1 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:25,920 Clarence? 2 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:31,200 Constance? 3 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,280 Pigs. 4 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,840 Constance! 5 00:00:42,840 --> 00:00:45,200 Clarence! 6 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:51,120 Constance! 7 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:52,720 Clarence? 8 00:00:55,080 --> 00:00:56,720 CONSTANCE! 9 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:04,720 I'm told Stinker Parsloe has got himself a new pig. 10 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:09,320 Pride of Matchingham. However, the Fat Pig Show cometh apace. 11 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:13,320 It would not do to be complacent. No, my dear. 12 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:15,720 Clarence! Clarence! 13 00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:19,440 I shall endeavour to make this as simple as I can. 14 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:21,320 You are aware that you have nieces? 15 00:01:21,320 --> 00:01:22,920 - Can you name them? - Of course not. 16 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,160 Millicent - daughter of Lancelot. 17 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,840 Oh! We had a brother, Lancelot. Poor Lancelot. 18 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:29,520 - He died, you know. - Yes, he did. 19 00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:31,920 And the care of Millicent passed to Charlotte Wisebite. 20 00:01:31,920 --> 00:01:34,080 Oh! We had a sister, Charlotte, er, Wisebite. 21 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:38,040 Yes, and we still do, and she is presently staying with us, with her ward, Millicent. 22 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:42,320 Do you have the information at your fingertips? May I meaningfully proceed? 23 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:46,800 Millicent has become infatuated with your feckless new secretary. 24 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,080 And before you start doddering, "Do I have a secretary?" 25 00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:51,080 Yes, you do, and his name is Carmody. 26 00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:52,960 Oh, I like him. 27 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:56,000 He doesn't interfere with my desk and make me sign things. 28 00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,800 Exactly, he is completely useless. 29 00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:01,120 I shudder to think what devices Freddie used to persuade you to employ him. 30 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,840 He's also sound on pigs. 31 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:05,520 Clarence, Hugo Carmody dances and plays the saxophone. 32 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:08,280 At the same time? Good Lord. Talented fellow. 33 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:14,440 It is a revoltingly unsuitable match and the liaison must be extinguished. 34 00:02:14,440 --> 00:02:18,240 Connie, why do you burden me with this disagreeable information? 35 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:20,480 Because although Charlotte is the guardian, 36 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:23,480 - you control the girl's money. - Oh! 37 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:26,440 It is like punching oneself in the face to utter the words - 38 00:02:26,440 --> 00:02:29,480 you have to put your foot down. 39 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:43,800 Miss Threepwood, I didn't see you... 40 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,800 SHE LISPS: Pleathe call me Millithent. 41 00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:50,720 I can't help thinking that if I do, your Aunt Charlotte might decapitate me with a cake slice. 42 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:55,880 Do you have work, Mr Carmody? 43 00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,080 Do you have occupation that requires you going in the opposite direction? 44 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,680 Yeth, Aunt. 45 00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:03,160 Beach? 46 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,640 Six seconds. 47 00:03:24,640 --> 00:03:27,280 If a servant moved that slowly in Calcutta, the Brigadier 48 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,120 and I would've had his guts for garters. 49 00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,200 I wish to speak to Lady Constance, where is she? 50 00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:34,240 I can't wait for all your blather. Send her to me in the library. 51 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:36,360 - Jaldi, jaldi. - Very good, your ladyship. 52 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:39,560 - Hullo, Beach. - Good morning, sir. 53 00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:45,640 < DOOR SLAMS 54 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:58,200 Look at this mess. It all needs sorting out. 55 00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,680 Well, it does NOW. 56 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:01,920 Same as the nursery, you never put things away properly. 57 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:04,360 Blandings is a shambles, Connie. 58 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:05,880 Clarence... 59 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,320 Don't blame Clarence, he's a raving ninny. 60 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:11,760 You're too soft on him, Connie, far too indulgent. 61 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,280 What this place needs is a thorough turning-inside-out. 62 00:04:14,280 --> 00:04:20,840 Sack that bibulous sloth of a butler. Mince that disgusting pig. 63 00:04:20,840 --> 00:04:23,560 I've half a mind to move back here and do it all myself. 64 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,840 Bring back the brush, I say. Can't beat the back of a hairbrush, 65 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,480 sharply on the knuckles. Remember Nanny Meisie? 66 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:34,600 Hello, erm...Charlotte. Connie's been talking to me about Gillian. 67 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:35,680 Millicent. 68 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,560 Exactly what I said. 69 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,240 Oh... I understand she's looking for a young man, 70 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,960 to give her life meaning, direction and purpose. 71 00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,680 You have remembered that completely back to front, Clarence. 72 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:47,160 Not at all. 73 00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,080 I think you'll be pleased to hear that I have just the fellow. 74 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:52,160 His name presently escapes me, but he plays the saxophone, 75 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:56,480 which I think you will agree is a fine accomplishment in a young man. 76 00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,520 Clarence, would you leave the room very quickly, please? 77 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:00,400 By all means. 78 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:07,600 What's going on, Connie? I shall not have secrets. 79 00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:11,120 Secrets deserve the brush, hard and smart. 80 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,400 Clarence tries to conduct... 81 00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:17,480 Clarence couldn't conduct a bus. 82 00:05:17,480 --> 00:05:20,880 It's up to you to tell the poor imbecile what's to be done 83 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,920 and see that he does it. 84 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,720 Quick's the word and sharp's the toffee, Constance, jaldi jaldi! 85 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:30,840 The more I think of it, the more inclined I am to return here. 86 00:05:45,480 --> 00:05:47,200 Hullo, Freddie. 87 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:48,280 What are you doing? 88 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:51,080 Sorting out your father's paperwork. 89 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,880 Is this the thorough method, Hugo? 90 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,840 It's the way he likes it. 91 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,440 Listen, old wound. You called. I came. 92 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:00,920 - You must have earned enough to pay back Oofy? - Yeah, yeah. 93 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,720 Then why the anxious telegram? 94 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:06,800 "Come haste, post-haste. The binge has sprung a leak." 95 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,920 I've fallen in love with Millicent. 96 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:15,200 What?! Carmody, you impetuous fool. 97 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,480 Who's Millicent? 98 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:19,960 - Your cousin. - Oh. - She's got me in such a spin. 99 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:23,080 Yes. I recall Millie Wisebite as quite a substantial, 100 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,480 rocking-horse nostrilled sort of girl. 101 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,960 Well, she isn't now. She's an absolute goddess. 102 00:06:27,960 --> 00:06:31,320 Your Aunt Constance is vividly opposed to me even speaking to her. 103 00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,600 If your Aunt Charlotte found out, her wrath would be apocalyptic. 104 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,160 Aunts. Nature's howler. Only one thing for it, H. 105 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,720 You'll have to impress yourself on the Guv'nor. 106 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:42,040 But nobody listens to a word he says. 107 00:06:42,040 --> 00:06:44,400 Ah, you haven't seen him in a passion. 108 00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,240 Imagine the torrent of joy... 109 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,240 when you rescue the Empress. 110 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,720 Rescue her from what? 111 00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:55,680 From the extreme peril in which she shall be placed. 112 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:59,840 Oh, yes... Keep that expression and come with me. 113 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:13,440 No, Mr Frederick. I'm sorry. 114 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:17,040 You're not going to sign up to the forces of oppression, surely? 115 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,160 You want young love to bloom? 116 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,480 Eh? Besides, there's 20 quid in it. 117 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:26,960 I might have to borrow that off you first in order to give it to you... 118 00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:29,360 Bit of confusion over my account at the Pink Pussy - 119 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,640 so not presently over flowing with cash - but damn it, Beach. 120 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:36,000 Look at him. Ahem... 121 00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:41,440 Oh, Gordon Bennett. 122 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:44,680 That's the spirit! 123 00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:29,560 Good Lord. 124 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:45,520 # Don't know why there'th no thun up in the thky 125 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:48,680 # Thtormy weather... # 126 00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:51,480 Stop that row. 127 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:52,960 You don't care for thinging? 128 00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:57,720 Ruddy jungle music. Constance, do you not have a decent programme of blood sports on this estate? 129 00:08:57,720 --> 00:08:59,240 Not at this time of year. 130 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:01,000 What's the time of year got to do with it? 131 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,880 Plenty of fish to shoot. We've got to stop this girl drooping about the place like a wet rag. 132 00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:07,160 Jaldi, jaldi! Both of you! 133 00:09:07,160 --> 00:09:08,680 Oh, God. 134 00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:15,440 Pick your feet up! We're not made of carpets. 135 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:25,000 - Not such a bad idea to remove her from her usual domicile, sir. - Eh? 136 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,800 Yesterday I saw Grunding - Sir Gregory's footman - 137 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,680 making a purchase at the chemists. 138 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:32,200 You'd think a man of Parsloe's age would have the courage to do 139 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,960 that sort of thing himself. 140 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,760 No, sir. The purchase was a hundredweight of Slimmo. 141 00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,280 A preparation for dramatic and rapid loss of weight. 142 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:42,840 But Stinker's skinny as a hake. No, not a hake. 143 00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:45,360 Some other emaciated...fish. 144 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:48,280 A hundredweight of Slimmo and he'd go into minus figures. 145 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:50,640 Sir Gregory does not intend to ingest it himself, sir. 146 00:09:50,640 --> 00:09:52,160 He means to feed it to The Empress. 147 00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:55,320 Good God, Beach. I call that dirty work at the crossroads. 148 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,120 It is observed below stairs, sir, that Sir Gregory is that bent 149 00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:01,280 you could stick a maggot on his head and catch mackerel. 150 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:06,800 Have you seen Lord Emsworth? 151 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:08,600 - WOMAN: - Well, I think... 152 00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:11,480 Don't answer that. 153 00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:20,840 Where have YOU been? 154 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:24,920 Erm... I have been observing Stinker Parsloe through a... 155 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:28,480 long thing, made of brass, goes in and out... 156 00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:32,320 His new pig is very fat, Connie. 157 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:35,640 Good. Then the two of you will have plenty to discuss tonight 158 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:36,880 when he dines with us. 159 00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:38,520 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. 160 00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:41,120 Clarence, Charlotte has made a point 161 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,400 and I think it is a fair one - you are a congenital idiot 162 00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:48,120 and have to be supervised, and I have been far too lenient with you. 163 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,080 She also thinks that you and I 164 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:54,520 are incapable of running a house in a civilised fashion. 165 00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,800 Dining with the Stinker is not going disabuse her of that. 166 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:02,520 Do one thing for me now 167 00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:05,600 and you will not have to sit anywhere near Sir Gregory. 168 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,760 Ah, there you are. 169 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:11,160 Hullo, Uncle Clarenthe. 170 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,480 Hullo, my dear. I particularly wanted to talk to you. 171 00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:18,080 Your aunt and I... Have you met your aunt? 172 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:21,720 Clarence. Will you get on with it? 173 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:25,000 We're a little concerned about your friendship with m'secretary. 174 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:30,120 I knew it. Why mutht you hate Hugo tho? 175 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,720 Hugo Tho? 176 00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:36,600 But that's Carmody, Gillian. I like Carmody. 177 00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:38,400 Carmody is your secretary. 178 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,520 - Absolutely. Sound on pigs. - Oh, God...! 179 00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:47,720 The Empress...has been kidnapped! 180 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:49,840 Hello, Frederick. Extraordinary thing. 181 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:54,440 I thought you just said the Empress had been kidnapped. 182 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:55,880 Uh... 183 00:11:57,520 --> 00:11:59,560 PARSLOE! 184 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:10,280 The Fat Pig Show but weeks away, and he does this. 185 00:12:10,280 --> 00:12:16,280 The perfidious Parsloe, propagating evil about the Earth. 186 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,840 My poor Empress! 187 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,160 We've searched everywhere - haven't we, Beach? 188 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,560 In the laundry, up the chimney. 189 00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:28,520 Absolutely no chance of finding her anywhere - is there, Beach? 190 00:12:28,520 --> 00:12:30,320 No, sir. 191 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:34,600 It would take an extraordinary man to track her down now. 192 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:39,520 Lord Emsworth. I shall find her. 193 00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,840 You can rely on me, sir. 194 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,960 Well, if any man can get the Empress back for you, 195 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,320 that man is Hugo Carmody. 196 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:49,680 Good old Hugo Carmody. 197 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,480 You know what we have to do, Beach? 198 00:13:04,760 --> 00:13:06,960 Steal Stinker's pig. 199 00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:10,960 - Oh, no, my lord. - Oh, yes, Beach. 200 00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,720 We must abduct Pride of Matchingham and closet her privily. 201 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,480 I tell you where would be ideal - the summerhouse. 202 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:18,680 Nobody would dream of... 203 00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:22,000 I fear, my lord, the summerhouse you speak of is no more. 204 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,560 Eh? 205 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:26,240 It has burned down, my lord. 206 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,040 - Burned down? - Struck by lightning. 207 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:32,600 My dear fellow, I passed it on my bicycle not an hour ago. 208 00:13:32,600 --> 00:13:34,320 Oh, the summerhouse, sir. 209 00:13:34,320 --> 00:13:37,560 Yes, the summerhouse. Beach, you're gibbering. Now listen, 210 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,480 get the Rolls-Royce. 211 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,360 We may take the Pride prisoner, 212 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:43,680 but we shall transport her courteously, what? 213 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,760 Be about it, Beach. 214 00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,280 Yes, Your Lordship. 215 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,440 So. When do I spring the porker? 216 00:13:56,440 --> 00:14:00,040 On my command. But Hugo, don't tell a soul. Especially not Millicent. 217 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,040 If the aunts smell a rat and put the screws on her for intelligence, 218 00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,240 she'll crack. 219 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:05,560 I'm not an idiot, Freddie. 220 00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,080 I wouldn't dream of telling poor Millicent about her. 221 00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:12,000 Tho. 222 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,720 Who ith thith female who mutht be conthealed from "poor Millithent"? 223 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:19,840 What? No, no, no. Female, yes, but... 224 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:20,920 What'th her name? 225 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:23,640 I regret I cannot tell you that. 226 00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:34,160 No, no, you...hang onto it. 227 00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:38,760 Thank you, Freddie. You were alwayth tho conthiderate. 228 00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:42,520 You really mustn't worry, old scream. All shall be well. 229 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:46,200 Do you remember, Freddie... when we were thweethearts? 230 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:51,200 You were alwayth tho courageouth. 231 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:56,880 Yes... I used to try to lift you off the ground. 232 00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,200 Mr Frederick? 233 00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,800 Ah, Beach. What news? 234 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:02,600 His Lordship is determined to steal Sir Gregory's pig, in retribution. 235 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,320 Ha! Excellent. 236 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:05,800 And hide it in the summerhouse. 237 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:08,360 Ah, well that's where the Guv'nor's scheme comes a cropper. 238 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,680 For the summerhouse is already full of pig. 239 00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,520 Oh, Lord. 240 00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:15,080 Mr Carmody will have to discover the Empress immediately. 241 00:15:15,080 --> 00:15:16,600 No, no, no. Much too soon. 242 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,080 The Guv'nor has not yet built up a head of fretful steam. 243 00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,560 He must be inspired to roar and biff down mountains. Wait a minute. 244 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,120 Oh, Beach - you will be delighted to hear 245 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:30,200 I have devised a cunning codicil to my original wheeze. 246 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,840 Oh, no, Mr Frederick. 247 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:34,000 Not at all. Couldn't be simpler. 248 00:15:35,920 --> 00:15:38,440 What do you want? 249 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:42,360 Merely to say that I have invited Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe 250 00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,000 to dinner tonight. 251 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,800 Such a bore. All he cares about is his pig. 252 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,240 He is worse than Clarence. 253 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,800 Oh. 254 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,960 Awful provincial person, Connie. You can do better. 255 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,720 So...you won't dine with us? 256 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,720 Of course I shall. What other entertainment can you offer? 257 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,400 Yes. What indeed? 258 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,120 By the way, I've spoken to the Brigadier. 259 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:13,480 He agrees with me, as he darn well should if he knows what's good for him. 260 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,280 We're moving into Blandings. 261 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,920 Permanently. So brace yourself for change. 262 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,160 HE MOANS IN DISTRESS 263 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,720 I am looking forward to tonight. 264 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,400 BEACH MOANS 265 00:16:51,160 --> 00:16:53,000 OWL HOOTS 266 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:56,200 - PIG GRUNTS - Ssh! 267 00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:01,640 There's a good big old girl. 268 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:43,400 Evening, Parsloe. I hear you've got a new pig. 269 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:45,400 Straight to pigs. 270 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,640 I have, Emsworth. I think we can offer you a run for your money. 271 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,000 Pah! 272 00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,440 Sir Gregory, why don't you tell us about life on the Bench? 273 00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:58,800 Sleeping on a bench, is he? Can't say I'm surprised. 274 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:03,840 Clarence. You know perfectly well that Sir Gregory...Justice of... 275 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,880 Hah. We'll see about justice! 276 00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,440 If you talked like that in the cantoonment mess, Clarence, 277 00:18:10,440 --> 00:18:13,840 the Brigadier would have you banged up in chokey, jaldi jaldi. 278 00:18:13,840 --> 00:18:16,000 Chokey jaldi jaldi? Is that some sort of dance? 279 00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,760 Yes... 280 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:21,360 It is, Guv'nor, and Hugo Carmody is the man to teach it to you. 281 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:24,040 His accomplishments are legion. 282 00:18:30,440 --> 00:18:32,600 Whatever criminal activity you are considering, 283 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,240 Emsworth, I counsel you to avoid it. 284 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:39,080 I trust that whatever righteous action I have already taken, Parsloe, 285 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:45,200 will give you pause. I mean.. occasion to reflect, not paws... 286 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,520 to reflect. 287 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,320 Let us trust, Emsworth, 288 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:52,880 that nothing unpleasant befalls you in the small hours of the night. 289 00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:54,960 You utter Harrovian. 290 00:18:56,000 --> 00:19:00,320 Whatever they may have taught you, Stinker, at the Dump on the Hump, 291 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:04,440 it is bad form to threaten an Englishman in his own home. 292 00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:06,560 Return to me what is mine, and I will... 293 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,560 What?! Emsworth, you're demented. 294 00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,600 Millicent? Go to your room. 295 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,680 Clarence, I think you have surpassed yourself this evening. 296 00:19:22,680 --> 00:19:24,240 Thank you, my dear. 297 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:27,040 Just wait till the Brigadier gets here. 298 00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,400 - He'll make you hop, by God. - The who? 299 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:34,120 Brigadier Wisebite, Clarence. Charlotte's husband. 300 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:39,160 Not that awful man with oily hair, parted sideways? 301 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,640 The Brigadier and Charlotte are moving into Blandings. 302 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,120 Hah. 303 00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:47,400 Thought for a minute you were telling me Charlotte 304 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,760 and the awful oily sideways husband were moving in with us. Ha-ha! 305 00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:11,040 I thuppothe you know that I loathe and despise all men? 306 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:13,200 I loathe and despise all women. 307 00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:16,160 Good. 308 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,760 Isn't it? 309 00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:21,920 Ah...Hugo. 310 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,840 What the devil are you up to, Threepwood, 311 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,720 hanging around Millicent's bedroom? 312 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,840 Fundamental change of wheeze, old corpse. 313 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,040 Is that a fact? 314 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,080 Yes. Put me down, you fathead. Oh! 315 00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:34,600 If you boyth are going to be dithagreeable with each other, I'm going to have a bath. 316 00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:36,840 Good plan. Make it a thoapy one. 317 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,960 Talk fast, Threepwood, before the shrivelled broccoli 318 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,240 that is your brain starts leaking out your ears. 319 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,520 This whole damn thing is a filthy ruse, isn't it, 320 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:46,320 to get your clammy mitts on Millicent? 321 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:47,720 < SHE SCREAMS 322 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,120 I'm coming, darling! 323 00:20:54,360 --> 00:20:56,760 < SCREAMS 324 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:58,080 What on Earth was that? 325 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:00,160 Always carry it. 326 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:03,040 One never knows when one may be called upon to prevent wrongdoing. 327 00:21:03,040 --> 00:21:05,200 Clarence. Are you a man or a mouse? 328 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,280 Ruddy Stinker. Pig-pincher. 329 00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:09,800 DINNER GONG 330 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,640 Well. If nobody else is, I'm going in to dinner. 331 00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,360 And if there was anybody left in the room they'd appreciate 332 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,240 the suavity with which I say that. 333 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:31,400 - Millicent! - Help! 334 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:35,760 Millicent? Stand back. 335 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,080 Ha! See? Perfectly rational explanation. 336 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,080 Out of the way. I'll deal with this. Millicent! 337 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:50,800 Pig! 338 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:52,520 Isn't she a beauty? 339 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,480 Frederick - I suppose it's pointless asking why the Empress 340 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,280 has made this unexpected excursion? 341 00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,760 Not at all, Aunt, laughably straightforward. 342 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,080 Cannot abide a pig! Dirty, filthy, secretive animals! 343 00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,840 Secretive? I think the Guv'nor would take issue with you there. 344 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,400 The Empress has a sweet and open... 345 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,120 Connie - I think I am going to be sick... 346 00:22:09,120 --> 00:22:12,480 The creature's frothing at the mouth! 347 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:14,560 She's just eaten a cake of soap. 348 00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:19,400 Pull yourself together. This sort of thing happens all the time. 349 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:24,640 Behold, Freddie, how mathterful Hugo ith with the beatht! 350 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,160 Hurrah. 351 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,800 I think, if nobody strenuously objects, I shall go to my room. 352 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,840 Ah, Beach. Are you there? 353 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:52,880 I believe so, my lord. 354 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,760 Capital. Erm... 355 00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:56,360 Is that for me? 356 00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:57,800 It is, my lord. 357 00:22:57,800 --> 00:22:59,040 Hurrah. 358 00:23:00,440 --> 00:23:02,040 Won't you join me, Beach? 359 00:23:02,040 --> 00:23:03,960 Thank you, my lord. 360 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,600 Here's to a job well done. Eh? 361 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,600 Indeed, my lord. 362 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,280 Do you suppose we ought to kidnap Stinker as well? 363 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,160 Just to be on the safe side? 364 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:16,800 Are you all right? 365 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:19,000 I mean, one really cannot trust the fellow. 366 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:23,080 God knows in what insalubrious conditions the Empress is 367 00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:25,000 presently detained. 368 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:28,440 But a step too far, do you think? 369 00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,760 I shall be guided by you. 370 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:38,520 Oh...my poor Empress... 371 00:23:41,600 --> 00:23:44,160 Small glass of brandy, perhaps. 372 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:51,840 Blackguard. 373 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:52,960 Blackguard. 374 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:01,720 See those boxes with Slimmo written all over them? 375 00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:04,920 Put them in the boot. NOW! 376 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:09,960 KNOCK ON DOOR 377 00:24:11,840 --> 00:24:13,680 Enter. 378 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:20,400 Connie, dear? I've been thinking. 379 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:24,720 If this foaming-pigs-in-bathrooms business is a quotidian event 380 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,880 at Blandings, I really don't think I can help you. 381 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,600 Oh, dear. 382 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:33,240 I'm afraid it's not for me. 383 00:24:33,240 --> 00:24:36,160 In fact, I think in the morning, Millicent 384 00:24:36,160 --> 00:24:39,360 and I should really return home. 385 00:24:39,360 --> 00:24:41,640 Well, I am distraught to hear that. 386 00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,720 The Brigadier will be missing me. 387 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,720 Yes, of course he must be. 388 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:48,760 Well. Good night, dear. 389 00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:50,520 Good night. 390 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:20,840 < PIG GRUNTING, GIRL GIGGLING 391 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,480 Oh, good Lord. 392 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:31,640 Yes! Hugo found her, Guv'nor, just as he said he would. 393 00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,160 She's right as rain. 394 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:35,160 Not a bristle on her snout out of place. 395 00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:38,280 Carmody, I am agog... 396 00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:42,280 Suffice it to say the rescue required the utmost 397 00:25:42,280 --> 00:25:43,720 bravery on Hugo's part. 398 00:25:43,720 --> 00:25:47,640 He really is the most remarkable man. 399 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,280 Also, he'd like to marry Millicent. 400 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,120 My dear fellow, of course you would. 401 00:25:53,120 --> 00:25:56,200 Who in their right mind wouldn't want to marry Millicent? 402 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,080 Who is Millicent? 403 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,240 - Me. - Well, there you are, Carmody, fill your boots. 404 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,040 I plan to open a small jazz club in Chelsea. 405 00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:08,040 Sorry, did you just say "fill your boots"? Thank you, Lord Emsworth! 406 00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:11,200 Thank YOU, my dear fellow. 407 00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:15,400 It's possible that Aunts C and C may not smile upon the betrothal. 408 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,720 You leave your aunts to me. 409 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:23,040 Beach! Gird up your lions - poss misheard. One more thing to do. 410 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:24,240 No, Mr Frederick. 411 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,360 Dot the Ts and cross the Is. Come on. 412 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,960 Capital. Capital. 413 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:43,200 PIG EATS NOISILY 414 00:26:43,200 --> 00:26:45,760 Don't turn the torch on, you ruddy imbecile. 415 00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:53,920 Listen to that. Wolfing it down. Know what this stuff does, Grunding? 416 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:55,760 It gives you the trots. 417 00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:59,040 This pig'll be doing the Aztec two-step for weeks. 418 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:01,680 The weight will simply stream off her. 419 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,960 THEY GET INTO CAR AND DRIVE OFF 420 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:20,640 Now, Mr Frederick? 421 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:21,760 Yup. 422 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,840 Woo-hoo! Right. 423 00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:29,280 I'd say we have 15 minutes to return Pride of Matchingham before 424 00:27:29,280 --> 00:27:35,640 she starts exhibiting the indelicate symptoms described by Sir Gregory. 425 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:37,320 We, sir? 426 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:39,680 Did I say 20 quid, Beach? I meant 40. 427 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,240 You haven't got 40 quid, sir. 428 00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:45,080 I haven't got 20 either, but it's the thought that counts. Hey? 429 00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:58,920 I shouldn't wish to give the impression 430 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:01,360 that you are in any way spoiled. 431 00:28:02,400 --> 00:28:08,560 I take these measures solely in the interest of your security. 432 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,440 So... 433 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,720 Just for tonight, eh? 434 00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:22,960 Mmm.