1
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,760
COCKEREL CROWS

2
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:18,600
Ah, Beach. Brisk this morning, eh?

3
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,880
Have we still got, um, Lady Constance's new friend with us?

4
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,240
Er...?

5
00:01:24,240 --> 00:01:25,920
Lady Cloughley, my lord. We do.

6
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:30,000
I cannot understand why my sister won't let me meet her.

7
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,520
Making me have my dinner up here.

8
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:35,840
I cannot imagine, m'lord.

9
00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:39,200
Is it still your lordship's intention to travel to London this morning?

10
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,280
What?

11
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,680
Where..where...where...where....

12
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:46,680
Who... Who says I have to go to London?

13
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:49,960
Lady Constance has arranged for his lordship to stay at his club.

14
00:01:49,960 --> 00:01:54,240
Has she, forsooth? Well, His lordship isn't ruddy going.

15
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:56,640
She can stick that in her pope and smike it.

16
00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:00,600
London. Hah!

17
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:01,840
Heinous metropolis!

18
00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:11,680
Glory be to God for dappled things!

19
00:02:15,040 --> 00:02:18,040
I do look forward to meeting Clarence.

20
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,360
- It's so sad he couldn't dine with us last night.
- Yes.

21
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:25,080
The Arch told me he was such fun at school.

22
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,200
The Archbishop. Gerald. My brother.

23
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:31,520
Ha-ha! Well, I fear, Drusilla,

24
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,360
you may be denied that pleasure altogether.

25
00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:37,640
Clarence is away this week. On retreat.

26
00:02:37,640 --> 00:02:41,320
Is he? Oh, bully for him.

27
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:46,360
The Arch approves of prayer in isolation.

28
00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:50,520
Denying pleasure is for me, of course, a way of life.

29
00:02:50,520 --> 00:02:55,320
What is more, dear, I thoroughly endorse the heating arrangements.

30
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,640
There are none.

31
00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,600
Precisely.

32
00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:03,640
Yes, this "central heating" that people have - I think it decadent.

33
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:08,320
I feel sure that it inspires all manner of immoderate

34
00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:11,480
communion between the sexes.

35
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:17,840
I am well insulated from such corruption.

36
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,520
Good.

37
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,520
By my leathern gusset.

38
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:25,880
Now - come along.

39
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,560
CAR HORN

40
00:03:27,560 --> 00:03:29,320
Oh! Company.

41
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,880
I hear the crunch of gravel.

42
00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,640
Here we are - Blandings Castle!

43
00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,360
Oh, my goodness. This is just so cute.

44
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,120
Don't you think it's cute, Mr Grumman?

45
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,720
As hell. Are we going in, or what?

46
00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:04,320
Of course. All very jolly inside.

47
00:04:04,320 --> 00:04:06,280
Guaranteed a warm welcome here.

48
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,760
Hello?

49
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,120
Hello?

50
00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,000
Shop?

51
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,520
Oh!

52
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:26,520
Ah, Beach. Didn't recognise you with a sock on your head.

53
00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:30,320
This is Mr Jerry Grumman, visiting us from Hollywood.

54
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:33,880
And Miss Pauline Petite, also of that parish.

55
00:04:35,280 --> 00:04:40,000
Observe the puceness of the butlerly pate. He's a fan.

56
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:44,200
Indeed, Mr Frederick. I have the lady's pantograph in my photry.

57
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:47,000
Oh, that's swell.

58
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,240
Let's all buy each other flowers.

59
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,120
Freddie, the talent is icing up.

60
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:53,360
Even her goose bumps are getting goose bumps.

61
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,960
Yes, Brynhilde must be up to her usual nonsense.

62
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,680
The boiler.

63
00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:01,200
Oh, Beach.

64
00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,760
On the QT, I've written a scenario.

65
00:05:04,760 --> 00:05:06,920
It's called A Woman's Price.

66
00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:09,840
Grumman's minded to make the picture with Miss Petite as the star.

67
00:05:09,840 --> 00:05:11,200
You may well gasp!

68
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:13,800
And I'm trying to flog him the family shack as the backdrop.

69
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:18,080
He's agreed to do a bit of a camera test. Script fee, location fee.

70
00:05:18,080 --> 00:05:19,640
Ker-ching!

71
00:05:19,640 --> 00:05:22,720
Pull this off and crinkle-wise, I'll be sitting in a bucket of cream.

72
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:27,040
Oh, also, I might be in with a yodel with Miss Petite.

73
00:05:27,040 --> 00:05:31,600
Really rather gone on her. Beach?

74
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,240
Sorry, sir. When did you last see your father?

75
00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:35,840
Eh?

76
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:39,640
Oh, no. He hasn't still got the face fungus, has he?

77
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,360
Look, just draw the guv'nor aside and tell him

78
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:44,600
the whole of Shropshire is sniggering up its sleeve.

79
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:46,880
I cannot, Mr Frederick.

80
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,880
It is without my mandate to remark on his lordship's appearance.

81
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:54,640
Oh, yes, yes, of course, I see that. Without your what?

82
00:05:54,640 --> 00:05:57,960
To venture such a criticism, I should first have to resign my position.

83
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,480
Good God, you can't do that!

84
00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:01,920
You've got to coax Brynhilde into fiery glory!

85
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:05,200
And Miss Petite's alabaster skin is horripilating.

86
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:09,360
Frederick? Who are all these unlikely people?

87
00:06:09,360 --> 00:06:11,280
Oh, they're making, um...

88
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:14,640
Um...come to fix the heating.

89
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:23,440
Is it your intention to make a feature film here, Mr Frederick,

90
00:06:23,440 --> 00:06:26,920
without anybody finding out?

91
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:32,760
Brilliant. As ever, Beach, top advice. Thank you.

92
00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:46,680
Benedicas benedicat, per Jesum Christum, Dominum nostrum. Amen.

93
00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:48,000
Amen.

94
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:53,440
Have you considered giving yourself to Jesus?

95
00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:57,440
Well, we've never actually discussed it specifically.

96
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,600
Who are you?

97
00:07:03,240 --> 00:07:05,120
Is this catering?

98
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,240
Where are the franks?

99
00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:16,400
They are, I believe, a loose confederation of Germanic peoples.

100
00:07:16,400 --> 00:07:17,920
So... Germany, one hopes.

101
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,200
Who's in charge around here?

102
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,360
Ah... Beach.

103
00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,600
Beach, eh?

104
00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,200
Hey, baby. You Beach?

105
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:44,440
Generally later in the day.

106
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:50,880
# My heart was free

107
00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,640
# I rose, went forth

108
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,640
# And followed Thee. #

109
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,760
I thought you'd gone. What on earth are you doing?

110
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:05,080
We're giving ourself to Jesus.

111
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:09,960
I see. Well, would you mind awfully just going somewhere else?

112
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:12,240
No. Not at all. Excuse me.

113
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:18,800
That bearded person is very odd.

114
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:23,080
Yes. Yes, he is, isn't he?

115
00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,320
In fact, he's a tramp.

116
00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:28,320
His name...

117
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:31,320
..is Whiffle.

118
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:36,000
And you allow this Whiffle the run of the house? Oh, Constance.

119
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,800
What a remarkable kindness to the disadvantaged.

120
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:42,200
I think I shall make Mr Whiffle my project.

121
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:43,960
No, I really wouldn't bother, dear.

122
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:48,240
No, I insist. I shall gather this lost lamb unto my bosom.

123
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:53,880
There's some interesting fungus in the shrubbery.

124
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,440
So is your father really a lord?

125
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:13,240
I mean, that's like a king or something. Do I have to curtsy when I speak to him?

126
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:15,360
No. No. But you may have to say things twice.

127
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:16,640
Is he hard of hearing?

128
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,200
Bit hard of thinking.

129
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,280
- Huh. I bet he's a very wise man. 
- Hey!

130
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,600
This guy, the Duck of Warlow.

131
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:26,760
The Duck, yes. The Vile Seducer.

132
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:27,960
He's the babe hound.

133
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:31,720
So what we need is some schmo already to stand in for the action.

134
00:09:31,720 --> 00:09:35,160
- Oh, well... 
- Not you. Somebody older.

135
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,280
Like me.

136
00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:43,040
Er, Mr Grumman? I have just the man.

137
00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:54,240
Freddie! Freddie, now listen to me.

138
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:57,960
Lady Cloughley must not discover that your father is your father.

139
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:00,360
Right. Who is he?

140
00:10:00,360 --> 00:10:03,160
Your father. But she must not know this.

141
00:10:03,160 --> 00:10:04,200
Do you see?

142
00:10:04,200 --> 00:10:07,440
- Um...
- The beard, Freddie. Heavens above!

143
00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,480
Are you on top of all these plumbers?

144
00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:11,840
What plumbers?

145
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:14,720
Oh, the plumbers. Absolutely.

146
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,920
Hullo, Frederick.

147
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,840
- I have no idea who you are.
- What?

148
00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,640
- That the sort of thing you mean? 
- Yes. You said you were going to your club!

149
00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:26,800
No, no - YOU said I was going to my club. Not the same thing at all.

150
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,200
The members are already dead.

151
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,360
You could've sat there completely happily, completely unnoticed.

152
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,440
- Oh, go and play with your pig. 
- Capital idea.

153
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,960
Anything to prevent any further intercourse with Drusilla Cloughley.

154
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:43,600
I will not have this friendship compromised by your ludicrous facial growth.

155
00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:47,600
The third and fourth earl both wore facial hair.

156
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,000
And look what happened to them. They died.

157
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,360
Is everything all right?

158
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:56,120
No cause for alarm, Lady Fluffly. I'm just going to see my pig.

159
00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:59,120
The pig lives in the house?

160
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,640
And you allow the village idiot the run of the place, out of charity.

161
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:07,760
Oh, Connie, you are magnificent.

162
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:11,080
Come. You are my special project.

163
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:12,720
Let us go into the drawing room.

164
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:15,880
No - you can't! It's full of plumbers.

165
00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:20,040
Now, you need to arrange the servants' shoes.

166
00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:23,560
- Connie? 
- He'll be quite happy in there.

167
00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:25,880
Now Drusilla, this time of day,

168
00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:28,200
I like to fall to my knees and give thanks.

169
00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,640
Hallelujah! Let us do so.

170
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:33,960
On my own. Do excuse me.

171
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,640
Connie?

172
00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:53,960
Oh! Right. That's it. I resign!

173
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,320
I did not come into butling to suffer beards, spanners and viscous slime.

174
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,440
No, no, no. Beach! You don't understand.

175
00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:02,120
Miss Petite needs to be morally tormented.

176
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:06,160
And you...are just the man to do it. Come on.

177
00:12:10,760 --> 00:12:13,360
Hey, honey!

178
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:18,320
Goodness. Such apparatus.

179
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,880
These are the basics, doll. For a test we travel light.

180
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:24,560
You make a "kinema" picture of your work?

181
00:12:24,560 --> 00:12:26,440
You find that helps?

182
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,120
Yeah. It helps.

183
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,320
Well, I trust you'll make it really hot.

184
00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,320
A broad who likes it hot.

185
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,240
We'll do our best, lady.

186
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:47,240
Freddie is so charming, you know.

187
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:50,640
Of course he's charming. He's a swish.

188
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:53,880
You're kidding me. Freddie shoots mink from the hip?

189
00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:58,320
All Englishmen is the same. It's a miracle they can breed.

190
00:12:58,320 --> 00:13:02,760
Er, Miss Petite? I have your Vile Seducer!

191
00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,360
But sir, you do not understand.

192
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:21,480
My aunt is a toboggan-faced old trout who is bound to cut up rough!

193
00:13:21,480 --> 00:13:23,960
Is this really how they spoke in medieval England?

194
00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:26,760
Oh, take it from me. And you're doing it perfectly.

195
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:30,560
Oh, Freddie. You don't have to pretend with me.

196
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:32,280
Just be true to yourself, huh?

197
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:36,440
I tell you - men, I've had 'em up to here.

198
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:40,040
It's so rare to meet a guy who doesn't want to, you know...

199
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,280
No! No!

200
00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,640
But I do want to, "you know".

201
00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:49,280
Even the feeblest amount of "you know" would sustain me for years.

202
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,160
- Dolores? Let's go already. 
- Come on, out you go.

203
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:56,400
Places, c'mon. Quiet. All right. We're going to rehearse.

204
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,960
OK.

205
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,320
Cue the Duck.

206
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:03,760
And the Duck speaks.

207
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,120
All the time, you poke me.

208
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:12,760
- Provoke me. 
- Provoke me. You pittle lopsy.

209
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,920
Erm...would you put your back into it, Beach?

210
00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,800
- Would you like to put your arm around my waist?
- Yes, please. 
- I was addressing Mr Beach.

211
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,600
C'mon, Duck, put some gas into it.

212
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:22,640
On page two you're gonna tear her buttons off.

213
00:14:25,080 --> 00:14:26,720
And try not to go puce.

214
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:28,880
Just say the damn line like you mean it.

215
00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:31,840
But all the time you provoke me! You little popsy!

216
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:34,840
Ahhhhh!

217
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,160
Now her, I like. Does she have an agent?

218
00:14:40,160 --> 00:14:42,000
Freddie, do something!

219
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,920
You snake in the grass!

220
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,440
Your father - the Lord of Emsworth - would be so ashamed of you.

221
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:07,080
There is every precedent for a bearded Emsworth.

222
00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:11,040
Granted, it would be unusual for Connie to grow a beard of any great substance,

223
00:15:11,040 --> 00:15:16,120
but should she choose to do so, I would refrain from adverse comment.

224
00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:21,320
I mean, if you yourself felt disposed to have a beard...

225
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:25,120
Guv'nor! Desperate times require desperate measures, you'll agree?

226
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:28,320
Not in the least. Am I going to require my chequebook, Frederick?

227
00:15:28,320 --> 00:15:30,040
No, no, no, no.

228
00:15:30,040 --> 00:15:31,200
I am in love.

229
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:33,160
Naturally. How much d'you need?

230
00:15:33,160 --> 00:15:36,160
No, what I need, old horror, is for you to accost Miss Petite

231
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,800
and tell her what a marvellous specimen of manhood is your son.

232
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,080
- Specimen of what?
- Manhood. 
- Who is?
- Your son.

233
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:45,520
- But you're my son.
- Guv'nor. Concentrate. Look. This is my best shot.

234
00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:48,280
If I bag Pauline Petite, I am off to Hollywood.

235
00:15:48,280 --> 00:15:51,600
Shazam! I shall never darken your bank account again.

236
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,720
- Hmm. You have my attention. 
- It's blissfully simple.

237
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:59,280
Miss P, you see, is putty in your lordly paws.

238
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:01,920
All you have to do is go to her pretending to be my father...

239
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,920
- But I am your father. 
- And plead my case. Ham it up a bit.

240
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,120
Play the dear old crock with one foot in the grave, sort of thing.

241
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:13,000
- The girl is charmed, the star-crossed lovers are united... 
- Frederick.

242
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,720
I am not an "old crock".

243
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:19,120
Guv'nor, please. Just speak on my behalf.

244
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:31,480
- Old crock... Ruddy insolence! 
- Right then, old girl. Plan B.

245
00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:32,640
PIG GRUNTS

246
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,440
I saw him, Constance...

247
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,440
ravishing the American girl.

248
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:43,440
What American girl? I don't understand at all, Drusilla.

249
00:16:43,440 --> 00:16:46,600
I shall call Beach. He can get you a glass of brandy.

250
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:50,360
I hardly think that the witnessing of a grievous assault

251
00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:53,200
warrants the consumption of alcohol.

252
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,760
Whiffle?

253
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,720
Oh!

254
00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,680
Whiffle does rather like to dress up.

255
00:17:03,120 --> 00:17:07,680
Clarence and I indulge him. And photograph him.

256
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,640
Ah, Beach.

257
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,280
Aghhhhhh!

258
00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:14,480
For heaven's sake,

259
00:17:14,480 --> 00:17:17,320
is everyone in Blandings now obliged to grow facial hair?

260
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,040
I do apologize, your ladyship,

261
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,640
but must hasten to reassure you that the moustache is false.

262
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:24,840
Why might that reassure me?

263
00:17:24,840 --> 00:17:27,200
It is the glue, my lady...

264
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:30,320
Beach. If I was to ask you what was going on in this house,

265
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:31,960
would I get a sensible reply?

266
00:17:34,240 --> 00:17:37,600
Alas not, your ladyship. Mr Frederick...

267
00:17:37,600 --> 00:17:40,040
Enough. I haven't got the energy.

268
00:17:40,040 --> 00:17:43,080
The plumbers have failed to produce even the smallest

269
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:45,720
amount of heat necessary to sustain life.

270
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,400
As always, we rely on you, Beach.

271
00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:51,440
I will do my best, your ladyship.

272
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:54,920
In the meantime, Lady Cloughley appears to have fainted.

273
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:59,080
Do you think you could put her into a reclining position?

274
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,720
You have my permission to handle her person. Go on!

275
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:06,640
Come now, Lady Cloughley.

276
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:08,160
You raise me up.

277
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,920
SHE SCREAMS

278
00:18:13,920 --> 00:18:18,040
Would you fetch a very large glass of brandy?

279
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:21,400
- Would Lady Cloughley...?
- Not for Lady Cloughley, it's for me.

280
00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:23,560
I am going to my room.

281
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,320
One foot in the ruddy grave...!

282
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,040
Blasted infernal impertinence.

283
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:36,080
Hollywood!

284
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,880
Hmm.

285
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:46,320
Hollywood is quite possibly in North America.

286
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,040
Ah, Beach, capital.

287
00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:54,040
It is imperative that Mr Frederick lives in Hollywood.

288
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:55,600
Very good, my lord.

289
00:18:55,600 --> 00:18:59,560
By the way, Beach, your solidarity has been noted. Good man.

290
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:07,080
I've had the strangest dream.

291
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:09,760
I have them all the time. Fancy a snifter?

292
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:12,840
Oh, no. Set down that filthy decoction!

293
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,480
It's not that filthy. A rather tolerable nose.

294
00:19:15,480 --> 00:19:18,920
There is something profoundly queer about this house.

295
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:20,640
Well, you're on the money there.

296
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,800
I haven't given up on you, my man.

297
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:24,920
I must find Lady Constance.

298
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:27,640
You'll find her in her bedroom, scoffing Turkish delights.

299
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,960
If you do go up there, you'll find an altogether better class of cognac.

300
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,400
She conceals it in her scent bottle.

301
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,640
She thinks I don't know about it, bless her. Funny old girl.

302
00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:38,480
We'll have to see about that!

303
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:39,520
Hollywood!

304
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,560
Bingo!

305
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:08,120
Right, missy.

306
00:20:11,080 --> 00:20:13,720
All right, let's get ready. That's enough, Dolores.

307
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:18,440
We tried the swish, we tried the stiff in the vest.

308
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:20,400
We tried everything.

309
00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,880
Now it's time to try it with a real man.

310
00:20:22,880 --> 00:20:24,720
Can we move on from the seduction scene?

311
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:26,960
The seduction scene is fine.

312
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,520
OK, let's go, everybody.

313
00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:31,120
All right.

314
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,320
Lights.

315
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,920
Camera.

316
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:41,000
Cue the Duck.

317
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,560
Camera test. Seduction scene. Take one.

318
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:48,720
All the time, you provoke me, my little popsy!

319
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,680
- Miss Petty Patootie? 
- Yes!

320
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:56,240
- Am I disturbing you?
- No.

321
00:20:56,240 --> 00:20:58,920
What? Who is this bum? CUT!

322
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:04,440
I'm the Earl of Emsworth.

323
00:21:04,440 --> 00:21:07,080
Yeah, like I'm the Duck of Warlow.

324
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:08,960
Good gracious!

325
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,480
Well, well, what a pleasure.

326
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,800
Look, I don't need to detain you.

327
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:16,720
I just wanted a quick word with Miss Plankton O'Porpoise.

328
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,840
- It can wait.
- No, it can't. Please sir, sit down next to me.

329
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,680
If he's the Earl of Emsworth, I'll eat my pants.

330
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,920
Good heavens.

331
00:21:26,920 --> 00:21:29,840
"Pants" in American doesn't mean "pants".

332
00:21:29,840 --> 00:21:32,320
It means "trousers".

333
00:21:32,320 --> 00:21:36,000
My dear fellow, you can't go about the place eating your trousers.

334
00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,920
You'll have yourself arrested.

335
00:21:37,920 --> 00:21:42,080
Oh, swell, another music hall geriatric.

336
00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:51,680
Who the hell are you?

337
00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:54,040
What? What? What was that?

338
00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:56,600
I said - who the hell are you?

339
00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:59,240
Nearly time for luncheon.

340
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,440
Who are you?

341
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,400
Monday is generally spotted dick.

342
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,960
What?

343
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,920
Ah! How d'you do?

344
00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:11,600
I'm the... I'm the...

345
00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:15,080
I'm the Earl of Emsworth, don't you know?

346
00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:18,760
Might I have a chinwag with Miss Petite?

347
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,360
Frederick?

348
00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:21,720
Oh, my God.

349
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:28,000
Is this some sort of game of charades? I'm a little bit confused.

350
00:22:28,000 --> 00:22:30,720
LOUD RUMBLING

351
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:36,520
Suet and sultanas.

352
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:49,280
And let that be a lesson to you!

353
00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,360
So both you bozos is Earl Emsworth

354
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,040
and both of you want to wag Miss Petite's chin.

355
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:57,840
This is nuts.

356
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:00,760
Frederick, my dear boy, what was it you wanted me

357
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,800
to say to Miss Bovine de Witt?

358
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:04,640
She's right here, look.

359
00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:08,040
- You're the Earl of Emsworth. 
- Indeed I am, my dear,

360
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:11,160
and I'd appreciate a brief word with you about my son.

361
00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:12,760
That one there.

362
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,640
It's a fair cop.

363
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,520
Freddie!

364
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:20,640
I thought you said you wouldn't do it.

365
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,720
Ah, but then, y'see - deucedest thing - I thought of you

366
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:28,720
and Miss Pamplemousse being married and living in Hollywood...

367
00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,720
Oh, Freddie!

368
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:32,400
I pretended to be him, you see.

369
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:34,560
To convince you of my bona fides.

370
00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:36,200
Never mind your bonas.

371
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:42,040
- What's happening? 
- Freddie, was that supposed to be me?

372
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,600
But I don't have an ear strumpet.

373
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:47,640
You don't have a silly beard, either.

374
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:50,800
- No.
- Oh, you do.

375
00:23:50,800 --> 00:23:52,120
Yes.

376
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,080
As a matter of purely academic interest, Drusilla,

377
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,360
why are you pouring eau de cologne all over the carpet?

378
00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,440
Eau de diable, more like!

379
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,040
You think I hallucinate?

380
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:35,280
You want scenes of hideous sordidness and squalor?

381
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:36,880
Not especially, no.

382
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:38,480
Come with me. Come on.

383
00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:01,800
Ah, Lady Muffley...

384
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:03,800
I have considered giving myself to Jesus,

385
00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:07,680
and on the whole I have decided to shave my beard off.

386
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:12,360
Hallelujah. What's that awful groaning? Are the plumbers leaving?

387
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:15,920
Connie, you're daft as a brush. These people aren't plumbers.

388
00:25:15,920 --> 00:25:17,240
They're making a film.

389
00:25:19,120 --> 00:25:22,840
What? Clarence, what the...

390
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:27,960
Clarence? You...are the Earl of Emsworth?

391
00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,800
Of course I'm the Earl of Emsworth, madam. Who are you?

392
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,680
Constance? You have deceived me.

393
00:25:36,680 --> 00:25:39,200
You have presenting your own brother as a vagrant.

394
00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:43,320
You have called him "Whiffle".

395
00:25:43,320 --> 00:25:50,200
Constance, you are a glutton and a slattern and a drinker

396
00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:52,200
and I don't believe you pray.

397
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:55,440
I shall never set foot in this godless house again.

398
00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,840
What've you got to say for yourself?

399
00:26:04,120 --> 00:26:06,160
SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

400
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:14,240
Ladies and gentlemen, the central heating is now working.

401
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,280
Beach! You're a man in a million.

402
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,400
I endeavour to give service, my lord.

403
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,960
Moreover, summon a barber, for the both of us.

404
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:22,560
Your moustache is ridiculous.

405
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:25,520
I will not tolerate facial foliage at Blandings.

406
00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,320
Very good, my lord.

407
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,880
TREMENDOUS RUMBLING

408
00:26:42,040 --> 00:26:44,680
Is that supposed to happen?

409
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:51,080
Hey, you - Constanza.

410
00:26:51,080 --> 00:26:52,960
If any of my equipment is damaged,

411
00:26:52,960 --> 00:26:55,600
I sure hope you're insured for sue-age.

412
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,880
Clarence, would you kindly go to your study and fetch your assegai.

413
00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:01,280
Oh, splendid.

414
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,080
What? His assy-what?

415
00:27:03,080 --> 00:27:07,720
A Zulu spear. Fascinating artefact. Terrifyingly sharp.

416
00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:11,320
I fear you are about to feel its presence in your person.

417
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,840
So I guess I'll see you around, Freddie.

418
00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,000
And when I do...

419
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:26,600
SHE WHISPERS INAUDIBLY

420
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,760
Oh!

421
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:42,200
Ah! Thank you, Beach.

422
00:27:42,200 --> 00:27:44,160
The plumbers appear to be departing.

423
00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:45,920
Indeed, my lord.

424
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:49,200
Would you recommend them? People are bound to ask.

425
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,440
They have been most entertaining, my lord.

426
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:57,760
Good. Oh look, look, there's Miss Pansy Petticoat.

427
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:02,520
There, the one temporarily attached to Frederick's face.

428
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:07,560
For a minute there I thought she was going to whisk him away to Holloway, but not to be.

429
00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:12,200
One presses on in hope, eh, Beach?

430
00:28:12,200 --> 00:28:14,640
One does, my lord.

431
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:19,960
I've been giving a bit of thought to...to growing a beard...

432
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,880
HE MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

433
00:28:30,640 --> 00:28:31,960
Cut!