1
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:34,800
BIRDS FLY AWAY

2
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,800
HE SNORES

3
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,120
PIG GRUNTS

4
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,880
Salesman had a handshake like a refrigerated eel,

5
00:00:45,880 --> 00:00:48,000
but as I say, Harrovian.

6
00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:52,520
Yet, I am tempted...

7
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,000
Oh, Angus! Look.

8
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,520
The Rotary-Varianced, Fully-Rubberized Auto-Dibber.

9
00:00:56,520 --> 00:00:58,760
Does all your, erm...dibbing automatically.

10
00:00:58,760 --> 00:01:00,240
What do you think?

11
00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:03,560
We're no' ha'ing yon impudent contraption in these groonds.

12
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,240
Think of the energy you would save!

13
00:01:05,240 --> 00:01:08,280
This is the modern age, McAllister. We must not ossify.

14
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,920
Ye're off yir mickle heid, mun.

15
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:11,800
Yir park is infested with rabbits

16
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,200
and ye talk of a rubberized dibber.

17
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:17,080
Clarence!

18
00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,320
Oh, good heavens.

19
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:21,680
Douglas Fanshawe, of Marling Hall.

20
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:22,960
Where?

21
00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,680
Coming here, to stay the night.

22
00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:26,960
Why? Marling's only down the road.

23
00:01:26,960 --> 00:01:30,520
The Colonel wishes to experience our facilities.

24
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,840
Oh, poor fellow. Doesn't the Hall run to its own, erm, 'facilities'?

25
00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,640
No, no, be quiet, Clarence. Now, concentrate.

26
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:39,760
He has indicated his intention to retire on the grounds

27
00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:42,160
of black tongue fever contracted up the Yangtze.

28
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:46,200
He wishes to canvass you as his successor.

29
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:49,880
- But I don't want a feverish black tongue up the...
- As Lord Lieutenant.

30
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,280
The King's official host in Shropshire.

31
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,600
PIG GRUNTS

32
00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,080
Come on! Have you no ambition?

33
00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:57,520
And if you answer that with the words 'pig' and 'fat',

34
00:01:57,520 --> 00:02:00,240
I will have to extract your spleen with sugar tongs.

35
00:02:00,240 --> 00:02:04,040
Now... Clean shirt, noble demeanour. Chop, chop.

36
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,040
Now, the original castle was built by Erconwald the Rampant

37
00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:20,280
in the reign of Boadicea the First.

38
00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:23,320
Now, she was a Borgia, but she had an operation for it.

39
00:02:23,320 --> 00:02:27,000
Lived another 50 years, but never rode a horse. Ha!

40
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,640
You don't say much, do you?

41
00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:30,800
HE CHUCKLES

42
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,280
SHE SIGHS

43
00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:09,200
All hands on deck. Spice the pump.

44
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,000
Prepare to receive guests.

45
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:14,080
Beach!

46
00:03:20,080 --> 00:03:21,320
Hmn!

47
00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:31,280
I have been calling.

48
00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,000
Look what you made me do.

49
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:38,680
You made a rope.

50
00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,600
I did not make a rope. Now, listen to me.

51
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:46,040
Colonel Fanshawe and his daughter Valerie will be arriving shortly.

52
00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,240
Heavens, man, are you quite well?

53
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:49,840
In the ladle, your pinkyship.

54
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:51,080
DOOR CLOSES

55
00:03:51,080 --> 00:03:52,560
SHE SNIFFS

56
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,280
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

57
00:03:54,280 --> 00:03:55,320
Oh!

58
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,480
- What is that? 
- What is what? Oh, this.

59
00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,680
This is Mugsy. He is a dog.

60
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,280
Why are you carrying it?

61
00:04:03,280 --> 00:04:05,920
He prefers not to walk. He belongs to Aunt Julia.

62
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,720
She's gone into toenail, you know, with an ingrowing hospital.

63
00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:12,600
- What?
- So she wanted someone responsible to look after him.

64
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,000
In what possible respect do you think you qualify?

65
00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,080
I thought I might teach him some tricks.

66
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:21,680
Imagine Aunt Julia returning home to find Mugs can smoke a cigar!

67
00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,040
I am a mild and reasonable woman.

68
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,480
If you taught my dog to smoke, I would disembowel you.

69
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:31,520
My sister Julia is neither reasonable nor mild.

70
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:35,160
She would disembowel all of us. Now, concentrate, Freddie.

71
00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,880
Colonel Fanshawe is a neighbour we must strive to know better.

72
00:04:38,880 --> 00:04:40,800
He is a celebrated explorer

73
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:43,320
and his daughter Valerie is about to come out.

74
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:45,560
From where?

75
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:46,800
Under the bed?

76
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,240
BEACH CHUCKLES

77
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:56,040
And moreover, Beach is behaving in the queerest way.

78
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:58,440
He just addressed me as 'your pinkyship'.

79
00:04:58,440 --> 00:05:01,040
What have you done to provoke that?

80
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,240
That's so typical of you, to side with the servants.

81
00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:05,480
I did nothing. He wasn't even drunk.

82
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:08,200
You're disappointed that Beach wasn't drunk?

83
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,520
Oh...

84
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:26,720
I do hope this Emsworth is the right man for the job.

85
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:29,560
I tell you candidly, my dear, I'm bushed.

86
00:05:30,560 --> 00:05:34,800
All your old man wants is for today to be tickety-boo.

87
00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,440
I think if we wait to be received, we wait in vain.

88
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:46,480
I hear the place is a shambles.

89
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:47,640
GUNSHOT

90
00:05:47,640 --> 00:05:48,720
BIRDS FLY AWAY

91
00:05:48,720 --> 00:05:50,120
There's someone, Papa.

92
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,160
I say, would you be kind enough to take us into the house?

93
00:05:57,160 --> 00:06:01,040
I'm a gairdener, son, no' a bleckin' footman.

94
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:02,600
What did he say?

95
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,600
I think he declined the invitation. Come on.

96
00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:26,560
HE SNORES

97
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:37,840
COLONEL FANSHAWE CLEARS HIS THROAT

98
00:06:39,080 --> 00:06:41,720
Good grief. Are you drunk?

99
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,760
I don't believe I am, sir. Are you?

100
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,360
SHE CHUCKLES

101
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,800
Extraordinary.

102
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,240
No, no, no, don't get up. I'll get the bags.

103
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:53,920
HOWLING

104
00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,080
Goodness. The Hound of the Emsworths.

105
00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,040
Papa? I might explore.

106
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:30,400
BIRDS FLY AWAY

107
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,920
HE SNARLS

108
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,000
HE HOWLS MUSICALLY

109
00:07:44,680 --> 00:07:47,800
Come on, Mugsy. Fill the diaphragm.

110
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,360
HE HOWLS

111
00:07:49,360 --> 00:07:50,760
What's the point?

112
00:07:55,880 --> 00:07:57,840
Brushes, is it?

113
00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,400
I beg your pardon?

114
00:07:59,400 --> 00:08:01,920
Dusters, handkerchiefs, that sort of thing?

115
00:08:01,920 --> 00:08:05,360
Beach usually takes a strong line about the front door,

116
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:08,840
but he doesn't seem to be about.

117
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,560
Let's have a squint, then, eh?

118
00:08:14,080 --> 00:08:16,560
Ah, very splendid.

119
00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,840
No good to me, of course.

120
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:24,040
Ah, Connie, fellow here wondering if he can squeeze you into these?

121
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,120
Colonel Fanshawe?

122
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,640
I'm not entirely certain.

123
00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:31,200
I'm having such a peculiar experience in this house.

124
00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,600
What are you doing?

125
00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:35,280
Oh, I like the spotty ones... Yes.

126
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:38,280
Your pig man is rifling through my daughter's underwear.

127
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:41,040
I'm not sure why he feels this is his prerogative.

128
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:43,200
- Clarence!
- Uh?

129
00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:44,680
Lord Emsworth?

130
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:46,000
Yes?

131
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:49,320
I'm Colonel Fanshawe, Lord Lieutenant of Shropshire.

132
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:52,160
What are you doing flogging ladies' underwear?

133
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:53,240
Augh!

134
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,000
Hey, hey, hey, hey!

135
00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,400
Come on, have a go.

136
00:08:57,400 --> 00:08:59,920
Gosh, you don't do anything, do you?

137
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:01,480
You just sit.

138
00:09:02,560 --> 00:09:04,400
But he sits very prettily.

139
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,920
Is he French?

140
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:08,800
Oh, oh... Good God, that never occurred to me.

141
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,120
It could be the problem.

142
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,080
Sprechen Sie Deutsch?

143
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:13,680
No, no, that's Italian.

144
00:09:13,680 --> 00:09:16,200
Look here, are you Miss Fanshawe?

145
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,760
I am. Come here, darling.

146
00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,240
Come and give me a cuddle.

147
00:09:20,240 --> 00:09:21,360
Oh!

148
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:23,000
I'm addressing the dog.

149
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,320
Come on!

150
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,040
My father won't let me have a dog.

151
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,240
He won't admit it, but he's terribly afraid of them.

152
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,000
He was badly bitten in the Khyber.

153
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,200
Oh, gosh. Clever tailoring required.

154
00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,320
BELL RINGS

155
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:37,320
Ah. Crumpets. Do you like crumpets?

156
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,240
Who doesn't like crumpets?

157
00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:41,000
Do you like crumpets?

158
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,120
Yes, Valerie, I do...

159
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,600
Fascinating, Colonel. Isn't that fascinating?

160
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,840
- Ouch!
- What?

161
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,600
What Colonel Fanshawe was saying?

162
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,080
Who is Colonel Fanshawe?

163
00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,600
Ouch!

164
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,800
(Beach, there is no tea in the pot!)

165
00:10:14,440 --> 00:10:16,280
How long have you had him?

166
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,600
Too long.

167
00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,200
The problem with these fellows

168
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,280
is once they get their feet under the table,

169
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,440
they think they rule the roost.

170
00:10:23,440 --> 00:10:25,800
I replace my butler every year.

171
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:28,200
I call them all George.

172
00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:31,040
I'm on George the 27th.

173
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,640
THEY CHUCKLE

174
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:35,880
Yes, we really must give that some serious thought, Clarence.

175
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:42,040
What's your view on fully rubberized automatic dibbing?

176
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,520
Generally, I'm...for it?

177
00:10:47,520 --> 00:10:49,000
How wise you are.

178
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,720
McAllister disagrees, but he's talking through his sporran.

179
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:53,880
No, not sporran, thing on the head.

180
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,200
Sham o' Tanter.

181
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:57,000
A man who thinks to the future.

182
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,120
- Yes.
- One tries.

183
00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:02,680
Papa? This is Mugsy and Freddie.

184
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,480
Excellent. Which is which?

185
00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,960
Mugsy's got the brains.

186
00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,240
- Beach!
- Milady!

187
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,320
Augh!

188
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,000
Shall you be mother?

189
00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:19,040
I'm just off for a bit of kip.

190
00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:22,480
Can I take Mugsy home with me, Papa? He's so weeny.

191
00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,640
No, no, darling.

192
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,000
How do you find the King these days, Colonel?

193
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:29,640
It would be such and honour to receive him here.

194
00:11:29,640 --> 00:11:32,240
Is the King going? Oh, capital!

195
00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:34,360
Gardening man, by all accounts.

196
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,800
I'd bet he'd like a crack at a fully rubberized dibber.

197
00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:42,760
Tea's a bit weak...

198
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,440
GUNSHOT

199
00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:48,600
BIRDS FLY AWAY

200
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,760
Do you ride the hounds?

201
00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,840
Ride hounds? No.

202
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:56,080
Shoot? Climb mountains?

203
00:11:57,640 --> 00:12:00,280
- How fascinating.
- Is it?

204
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,640
Come back here, ye hairy rat!

205
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:05,640
I've never met any men who don't do all that, constantly.

206
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:06,720
GUNSHOT

207
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,400
They're all the same, aren't they?

208
00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:10,840
When I come out, they're going to swarm all over me.

209
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:14,280
Oh, then don't come out.

210
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,120
I can't stay in all my life.

211
00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:17,960
I don't plan to become a nun.

212
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:20,920
- Nor me.
- How'd you like to see me in a wimple?

213
00:12:20,920 --> 00:12:23,320
I'd love to. Crikey. No, no.

214
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:26,040
Sometimes, when I'm excited, I say the opposite of what I mean.

215
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:27,520
Why are you excited?

216
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,880
Absolutely not because of you.

217
00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,720
You are a most unusual man, Mr Threepwood.

218
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,080
SNORING

219
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,400
What's that noise?

220
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:46,440
HE SNORES LOUDLY

221
00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:51,000
Gordon Bennett.

222
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,240
Mugsy, in fact. I'm going to teach him to mix a Manhattan.

223
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:59,080
No, you are not. Come away and Valerie will keep you safe.

224
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,000
Have a care, sir.

225
00:13:03,000 --> 00:13:04,880
Anything untoward happens to that animal,

226
00:13:04,880 --> 00:13:08,120
your Aunt Julia will come down on you like the wrath of God.

227
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,760
She is the wrath of God.

228
00:13:09,760 --> 00:13:11,720
What are, erm...?

229
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:13,480
Swedish vitamins.

230
00:13:13,480 --> 00:13:16,800
I was feeling a bit mouldy and I found these in Mr Galahad's room.

231
00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:20,520
If Gally eats them, they certainly keep him perky.

232
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:21,800
Beach?

233
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:24,360
HE SNORES

234
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,760
I'm thinking of you, McAllister.

235
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:34,800
You could dibble the entire park from your deckchair!

236
00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:39,160
In all these years, have ye ever once seen me sit doon?

237
00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:42,240
But, my dear fellow, that is my point...

238
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:45,720
I dinnae want to sit doon.

239
00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,600
Can ye not grasp the indignity, old mun?

240
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,520
My head gardener. Capital fellow.

241
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:02,400
Emsworth, tell me frankly.

242
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:06,520
Do you feel you enjoy the authority that your rank should confer?

243
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:10,600
Bless my soul, Fannyhat, I don't have time to indulge in 'authority'.

244
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,360
I've got a pig to feed.

245
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,040
GUNSHOT

246
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,520
BIRDS FLY AWAY

247
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:25,480
HM runs a pretty tight ship, wherever he may be,

248
00:14:25,480 --> 00:14:28,480
but he appreciates good service.

249
00:14:28,480 --> 00:14:32,040
It is not unknown for him to address me as Horace.

250
00:14:32,040 --> 00:14:34,560
That being my name.

251
00:14:34,560 --> 00:14:37,760
Of course, it's an honorary position.

252
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:39,240
There's no salary.

253
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,960
One does it purely for the kudos.

254
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,160
I think your butler needs to go to bed.

255
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,880
Beach? My dear fellow, you really do look rather tired.

256
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:49,160
Why don't you withdraw to your comfortable chair

257
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:50,640
and have a glass of port?

258
00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,720
We can all manage perfectly well.

259
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:54,160
Very kind, my lord.

260
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,840
I'm going to put you in touch with the agency I use.

261
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:11,080
They'll get you someone within the week. Ex-soldiers, mostly.

262
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:15,520
They'll shine your boots and part your hair.

263
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:17,480
More wine, Colonel Fanshawe?

264
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,000
GUNSHOT

265
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:23,280
Good idea. We can get Beach to pour us something special.

266
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,120
From his 'comfortable chair'?

267
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:26,200
Mmmm.

268
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,280
- Freddie.
- Uh?

269
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:33,840
Arrange wine.

270
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,680
I'm just going to arrange wine.

271
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,080
Good luck.

272
00:15:37,080 --> 00:15:39,040
Will you be all right while I'm gone?

273
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,400
I'll try to cope, yes.

274
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,680
Miss Fanshawe, I do think you're rather jolly.

275
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:43,760
Frederick!

276
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:45,040
Doing it, Aunt.

277
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:53,200
Has your brother much experience of ceremonial duties?

278
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:54,400
But of course.

279
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,760
When HM visits Shropshire, it's the responsibility

280
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:59,200
of the Lord Lieutenant to have him correctly billeted,

281
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,600
- dined and entertained.
- He is very capable of all that sort of thing.

282
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:03,880
Aren't you, Clarence?

283
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,920
But I don't want someone to shine my hair and boot my parts.

284
00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:08,160
I want Beach!

285
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,200
CROCKERY CLATTERS

286
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,720
- BEACH:
- Wahey!

287
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:14,560
Lord Emsworth, it strikes me

288
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,280
there are domestic matters that require your attention.

289
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:21,560
- Ah!
- Valerie and I shall return to Marling Hall in the motor.

290
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:23,280
Come along, Driver Fanshawe.

291
00:16:23,280 --> 00:16:24,800
But...

292
00:16:25,960 --> 00:16:27,680
..Colonel...

293
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:31,280
Colonel...

294
00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:35,400
You are coming with me!

295
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,000
Cheers.

296
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,440
Oh!

297
00:16:57,880 --> 00:16:59,160
Where are you going?

298
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,960
Me?

299
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,640
Whoever else is there in the room?

300
00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:04,200
Frederick. Oh!

301
00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,680
Hello?

302
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:08,480
What are you doing?

303
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:11,320
- Looking for Mugsy.
- What?

304
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,720
Blighter's done a bunk.

305
00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,000
BELL RINGS

306
00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:18,400
Freddie, just go and answer the door. Go!

307
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:23,440
I thought Admiral Handsaw and his daughter were...

308
00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,960
They have gone, Clarence.

309
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:29,600
You have driven them away, you gibbering halfwit. God in heaven!

310
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,560
Calling you a halfwit is a discourtesy to people

311
00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:34,360
with 50% of their brain missing.

312
00:17:34,360 --> 00:17:37,240
You are a child, Clarence.

313
00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,400
Even if you have no interest in being of service to the King,

314
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:44,320
did it never occur to you that it might have been pleasant for me?

315
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:55,880
You asked me where I was going, and I've just remembered.

316
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,280
I'm looking for Beach.

317
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,000
I'm... I'm concerned about him.

318
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:06,040
Connie, you might not have noticed, but he seems a little out of sorts.

319
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:10,480
You're counting to ten, aren't you?

320
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:13,360
- I am going to my room, Clarence.
- Oh!

321
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:18,960
And while I am there, I wish you to sort out every aspect

322
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:22,600
of this appalling, shameful fiasco.

323
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,280
- Moreover, I intend to take steps. 
- Ah!

324
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:32,080
The first of which will be the immediate dismissal of Beach.

325
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:41,480
It's awfully late for a telegram. Oh! Oh!

326
00:18:44,240 --> 00:18:45,480
HE SCREAMS

327
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,200
FREDDIE GROANS

328
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:05,840
Spit and corruption!

329
00:19:07,720 --> 00:19:08,840
HE SNORES

330
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:09,880
Beach?

331
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:11,960
Oh, good heavens, Frederick.

332
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,760
Whatever have you done to your, er...?

333
00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,120
I read a telegram that made me fall down the stairs.

334
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,680
Oh, bless my soul.

335
00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,080
Your soul may well be in need of blessing, Guv'nor.

336
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:23,160
Aunt Julia is out of hospital. And Mugsy's gone rogue.

337
00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:26,120
Oh, your Aunt Julia is a terrible person, Frederick.

338
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,720
She lost her temper in the summer of 1882

339
00:19:28,720 --> 00:19:30,160
and it has never been recovered.

340
00:19:30,160 --> 00:19:33,040
And when she finds out I've lost her dog, she'll blow her top.

341
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:34,840
Which means Aunt C will blow hers.

342
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,280
It's going to be one hideous orgy of auntly top-blowing, Guv'nor.

343
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:39,680
What to do?

344
00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,880
- Pinch it back.
- What?

345
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:44,440
The girl pinched the dog...

346
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,480
so go to Marling and pinch it back.

347
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:50,760
Miss Fanshawe, you voluptuous fiend.

348
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,080
Here, Beach, sharpen up. Have a pill.

349
00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:57,400
All you have got to do is...

350
00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:00,480
HE SNORES

351
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:03,320
Never seen a fellow fall to sleep so rapidly. It's a sort of gift.

352
00:20:03,320 --> 00:20:05,960
But he's right, Guv'nor. Does your bicycle have a light?

353
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,480
What does it matter if my icicle has a blight? I'm not going.

354
00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:10,200
Well, he can't go and I can't go.

355
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,760
So you have to go. It'll be peasy!

356
00:20:11,760 --> 00:20:13,800
All you need to do is lurk in the shrubbery

357
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:16,360
till they shove the dog out to ablute and then nab him.

358
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,880
But what if the dog doesn't wish to be nabbed by me?

359
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:20,520
Well, rub your trousers with meat.

360
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,920
Meat?

361
00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,320
Oh, Guv'nor, don't be so obtuse.

362
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:26,600
Make yourself attractive to Mugsy by anointing your trousers

363
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,520
with...raw sausage or something.

364
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,840
- What utter tripe.
- Oh, tripe! Perfect!

365
00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,760
Frederick, I am not triping my trousers

366
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:34,320
or anointing them with sausages.

367
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,760
I am not doing this thing.

368
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:38,560
BEACH SNORES

369
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:47,800
DOGS BARK AND HOWL

370
00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:55,080
Do you forgive me?

371
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:59,520
Unreservedly. With glittering knobs on. Where's the pooch?

372
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:00,920
I've lost him.

373
00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:04,080
Oh, not to worry. Minor detail.

374
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:06,320
Papa says I'm never to come here again.

375
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,120
He says you're all doolally.

376
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,720
He says that a bucket of frogspawn would have made

377
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:13,440
a better Lord Lieutenant than Emsworth.

378
00:21:13,440 --> 00:21:14,880
Well, harsh but fair.

379
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:18,880
Before I go...

380
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:21,680
can I just say something I've been meaning to say?

381
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:29,080
TELEPHONE RINGS

382
00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:34,480
Where are we?

383
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:35,960
Blandings Castle.

384
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,760
Blandings Castle. Who are you?

385
00:21:37,760 --> 00:21:40,360
'This is Lieutenant Colonel Horace Fanshawe.'

386
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:42,920
- Bully for you, being a colonel. 
- 'What?!'

387
00:21:42,920 --> 00:21:44,360
I'm a butler.

388
00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:45,560
Shall I have a word?

389
00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,720
Have a whole pile.

390
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:51,000
Beach, your manner of late has become a little informal.

391
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,440
I beg your pardon, Mr Frederick. I do feel a bit...

392
00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,040
irregular.

393
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,760
Yeah, I prescribe a Rotterdam.

394
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:00,280
Large port.

395
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:01,360
No...

396
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,080
Really?!

397
00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:10,360
- Oh! Stop. Hold the line a minute. 
- Oh, goodness!

398
00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:13,240
Those aren't Gally's pick-me-ups.

399
00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,000
They're his Mickey Finns.

400
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,600
Gad, Beach!

401
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,280
If your vital organs hadn't been mummified by alcohol,

402
00:22:19,280 --> 00:22:21,000
you'd be in a ruddy coma.

403
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,680
Great excitement. There's been an intruder at the Hall.

404
00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:26,120
Papa went down with his revolver

405
00:22:26,120 --> 00:22:27,920
and there was a great tussle in the dark!

406
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:31,840
- But Papa managed to bundle the low fellow into the coal cellar.
- Oooh!

407
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:33,480
What?

408
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,880
Oh, family thing. Nothing to worry about.

409
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:37,320
Bit of a sticky wicket.

410
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:41,280
Mr Frederick, the time has come for me to make amends.

411
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,720
Miss Fanshawe.

412
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:45,320
Could I prevail upon you to drive me to Marling Hall?

413
00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,240
Oh, yes... Rather.

414
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,080
Oh, dear...

415
00:22:57,080 --> 00:22:59,480
This is all so inconvenient.

416
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:01,160
DOOR OPENS

417
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:08,680
Now, look here.

418
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:16,480
Beach?

419
00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,760
I know the hour is uncivilized, my lord,

420
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:21,920
- but I thought you might appreciate refreshment.
- Oh...

421
00:23:26,200 --> 00:23:28,240
DOGS HOWL AND BARK

422
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,800
May I recommend to his lordship that he removes his trousers?

423
00:23:31,800 --> 00:23:35,280
I fear they may be exciting the local dogs.

424
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:39,400
Dog! Beach, Beach, I came here to nab a dog.

425
00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:43,840
The task his lordship set himself has been rather overtaken by events.

426
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:45,920
I think it would be prudent to return home.

427
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:49,240
Home... Yes, Beach. Let's go home.

428
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:50,680
- What the devil's going on?
- >

429
00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,160
- The trousers, my lord. 
- Eh?
- Disrobe.

430
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,600
DOGS KEEP BARKING

431
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,400
Show yourself, damn you, I'll take you all on!

432
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:58,960
Who goes there?

433
00:23:58,960 --> 00:24:01,000
MUGSY GROWLS

434
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,600
Oh, my God... Good dog, good dog...

435
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:08,880
DOGS BARK LOUDER

436
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,360
Just a little further, my lord.

437
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:00,040
Right.

438
00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:05,280
Let us prepare for Beach the Second.

439
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:11,240
I absolutely insist on serving you, Beach.

440
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,360
You're a man in a million.

441
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:16,200
I endeavour to give satisfaction, your lordship.

442
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:18,040
Chin-chin.

443
00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:19,840
Chin-chin, my lord.

444
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:21,480
Beach!

445
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,320
I'm sorry, but this is atrocious.

446
00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:26,480
You have to leave the house immediately.

447
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,120
Hold your horses, Aunt C.

448
00:25:28,120 --> 00:25:31,920
One or two items here require clarification.

449
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,600
Beach is not atrocious.

450
00:25:34,600 --> 00:25:36,120
He is magnificent.

451
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:39,520
His selfless dedication to this family is the stuff of legend.

452
00:25:39,520 --> 00:25:43,760
- Last night, he saved the Guv'nor's bacon...
- Yeah!
- ..and yours.

453
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:45,240
What are you drivelling about?

454
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,280
I drivel thus...

455
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:49,400
Aunt, be seated.

456
00:25:54,160 --> 00:25:59,200
It was a night like any other, when benign, elderly Lord Emsworth

457
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:01,680
- gazed serenely... 
- I dispute 'elderly'.

458
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,160
Get on with it.

459
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,400
HE SNARLS

460
00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:24,000
Thus, it is demonstrated, Aunt Constance, that Beach

461
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,880
is the finest asset a family such as ours could wish to possess.

462
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,360
Of course, we do not possess him.

463
00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:34,040
We merely enjoy the privilege of his service.

464
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,840
Accordingly, I advise doubling his salary.

465
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:38,600
Hear, hear.

466
00:26:41,040 --> 00:26:42,240
Agreed.

467
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,360
Ah, splendid. Have a sherry. Sorry.

468
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:48,320
Freddie, it's nine o'clock in the morning.

469
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:50,600
Small one, as befits the hour.

470
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:51,800
Cheers.

471
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:56,160
We could have had such fun, you know, entertaining the King.

472
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,520
Good heavens, is the King coming?

473
00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:01,440
No, Clarence, he is not.

474
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:05,000
What a shame. Farming man, by all accounts.

475
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:07,840
I bet he would have enjoyed mucking out The Empress.

476
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,360
DOOR CLOSES

477
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:11,440
Ha! If that's Corporal Flanpaw,

478
00:27:11,440 --> 00:27:13,720
I'm going to give him a piece of my mind.

479
00:27:13,720 --> 00:27:15,400
If you can find any.

480
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,680
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

481
00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:28,560
DOG WHINES

482
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:30,200
Good morning, McAllister.

483
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,040
We were just about to have breakfast.

484
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:34,320
What have you done?

485
00:27:34,320 --> 00:27:36,680
I'm glad you're a' here,

486
00:27:36,680 --> 00:27:39,600
for I desire y'all to witness this.

487
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:48,840
Play deid!

488
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,840
THEY CHUCKLE

489
00:27:54,840 --> 00:28:00,080
Is that nae the cutest thing ye e'er saw in yir life?

490
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,240
Aunt Julia's going to adore that!

491
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:05,360
Angus, that is capital. That is capital.

492
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,440
Connie, did you see this?

493
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,520
Do you think he might do it again?

494
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:10,880
Aye!

495
00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:18,520
THEY LAUGH