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00:00:01,103 --> 00:00:05,845
We'll stick a banner up here.
Saying what?
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00:00:05,846 --> 00:00:07,704
"Congratulations to Bob Servant on
winning
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00:00:07,794 --> 00:00:09,673
the Broughty Ferry by-election.
4
00:00:09,718 --> 00:00:11,677
"Have a few drinks on us and
go bananas.
5
00:00:11,782 --> 00:00:15,261
"All the very best, the Bob Servant
independent campaign."
6
00:00:15,486 --> 00:00:16,967
You could edit that doon a bit.
7
00:00:16,968 --> 00:00:20,006
How much are you putting
behind the bar?
8
00:00:20,007 --> 00:00:23,806
Oh, er... The alcohol budget is £60,
right?
9
00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:27,166
Now, that's...
that's three drinks per person.
10
00:00:27,167 --> 00:00:31,246
Now, please mark people's
hands for their first two drinks
11
00:00:31,247 --> 00:00:33,127
and then their forehead for
the third.
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00:00:33,128 --> 00:00:34,626
I'm not daein' that.
13
00:00:34,677 --> 00:00:36,797
And I want a real buzz aboot
the place.
14
00:00:36,798 --> 00:00:41,196
Lots of excitement, with a keen sense
of danger and uncertainty
15
00:00:41,197 --> 00:00:44,437
with absolutely nae limits -
got it? Nuh.
16
00:00:45,437 --> 00:00:46,957
And I want people standing here
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00:00:46,958 --> 00:00:50,956
wondering if they're gonna have a few
drinks, and maybe,
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00:00:50,957 --> 00:00:52,156
I don't know...
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00:00:52,157 --> 00:00:54,396
wake up...
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00:00:54,397 --> 00:00:56,037
in the Congo.
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00:00:58,437 --> 00:01:01,637
The atmosphere budget is £15.
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00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:13,506
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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00:01:13,557 --> 00:01:14,997
Hey, Georgie!
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00:01:27,317 --> 00:01:31,556
Bob, without sounding
like an awfa greedy guts,
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00:01:31,557 --> 00:01:33,477
dae I get the election deposit
back tonight?
26
00:01:33,478 --> 00:01:37,076
Yep, and probably
some prize money on top.
27
00:01:37,077 --> 00:01:40,436
Thank God. Money's for my new
bathroom.
28
00:01:40,437 --> 00:01:42,836
And you deserve it.
Thanks, Bob.
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00:01:42,837 --> 00:01:46,277
Good people, good people!
30
00:01:48,477 --> 00:01:49,995
Where are all our posters,
Frank?
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00:01:49,996 --> 00:01:53,597
Ah, you only need one, Bob.
They all say the same thing.
32
00:01:54,637 --> 00:01:57,876
Aye, it's a good day to die.
33
00:01:57,877 --> 00:01:59,635
Common sense will prevail.
34
00:01:59,636 --> 00:02:04,835
We're getting positive vibes from
the undecided. Oh, good for you.
Er, good afternoon. Nick Edwards.
35
00:02:04,836 --> 00:02:08,235
Er, now, if you don't mind me
saying, you look of retirement age.
Here...
36
00:02:08,236 --> 00:02:11,635
Have a gander at my policies for
ring-fencing pension funds.
37
00:02:11,636 --> 00:02:12,955
They're...
Are you the boy
38
00:02:12,956 --> 00:02:15,277
that was on the radio
talking aboot The Krankies?
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00:02:15,278 --> 00:02:18,476
Bob Servant, independent,
in the flesh.
40
00:02:18,477 --> 00:02:19,877
He's my man!
41
00:02:21,317 --> 00:02:22,797
Well, that's a definite.
42
00:02:22,798 --> 00:02:24,876
There's a long way to go.
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00:02:24,877 --> 00:02:26,117
Come on, darling.
44
00:02:27,557 --> 00:02:31,156
What a day, Frank.
What a day!
45
00:02:31,157 --> 00:02:33,396
And not a boo boy in sight.
46
00:02:33,397 --> 00:02:36,555
Right, Bob, final push.
We're going door to door.
47
00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:39,275
Oh, plenty of time for that,
Frank. Plenty of time for that.
48
00:02:39,276 --> 00:02:41,475
I've got a wee meeting
back at the extension.
49
00:02:41,476 --> 00:02:42,997
How can I help you, Bob?
50
00:02:42,998 --> 00:02:45,876
Well, I thought, you know,
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00:02:45,877 --> 00:02:47,915
while I'm in London, maybe
your mob
52
00:02:47,916 --> 00:02:50,555
could use the extension as a
cathedral.
53
00:02:50,556 --> 00:02:52,237
No.
Or some sort of prayer room.
54
00:02:53,357 --> 00:02:55,555
Punters could come and pray
that maybe one day
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00:02:55,556 --> 00:02:57,315
they'd have an extension of
their own.
56
00:02:57,316 --> 00:02:59,835
Prayer is reserved for spiritual
concerns.
57
00:02:59,836 --> 00:03:01,955
I want to send a message to
the people.
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00:03:01,956 --> 00:03:05,235
I wanna tell them that although Bob's
body may be in London,
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00:03:05,236 --> 00:03:06,957
his heart's here in Broughty
Ferry,
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00:03:06,958 --> 00:03:10,636
in there, on the coffee table,
beating away.
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00:03:10,637 --> 00:03:14,356
OK, Bob, if you're going away,
62
00:03:14,357 --> 00:03:17,355
the Church is always interested in
emergency housing.
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00:03:17,356 --> 00:03:19,115
Housing?!
We're in a recession.
64
00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:23,357
There are a lot of desperate people
in the parish. Oh, nae chance!
Cloud-cuckoo-land.
65
00:03:23,358 --> 00:03:24,677
Fine.
66
00:03:25,717 --> 00:03:27,716
I'll pass that reaction on.
67
00:03:27,717 --> 00:03:28,876
Pass what on?
68
00:03:28,877 --> 00:03:33,596
That you're unwilling to help the
weakest in Broughty Ferry society.
69
00:03:33,597 --> 00:03:35,755
Should make a good feature
for the newsletter.
70
00:03:35,756 --> 00:03:38,237
Newsletter? Or maybe even the local
media.
71
00:03:38,238 --> 00:03:41,836
Right, right.
You can have the extension.
72
00:03:41,837 --> 00:03:43,995
Hang on, Bob...
Oh, let it go, Frank, let it go.
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00:03:43,996 --> 00:03:46,315
I'll build a bigger one, a better
one.
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00:03:46,316 --> 00:03:48,037
I'm gonna be minted.
Really?
75
00:03:48,038 --> 00:03:49,836
Oh, aye.
76
00:03:49,837 --> 00:03:53,475
Oh, the MP game is where the readies
are, you know, above the table,
77
00:03:53,476 --> 00:03:55,995
below the table, brown envelopes,
white envelopes,
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00:03:55,996 --> 00:03:58,557
tips, winks, the old slap on the
back, the old,
79
00:03:58,558 --> 00:04:00,196
"Is this your handbag?"
80
00:04:00,197 --> 00:04:02,795
"Of course not. Why would I have a
handbag?"
81
00:04:02,796 --> 00:04:05,757
"Oh, I think this is one
handbag you do want."
82
00:04:05,758 --> 00:04:08,236
"Oh, well, then, if you insist,
83
00:04:08,237 --> 00:04:09,996
"I'll TAKE the handbag.
84
00:04:09,997 --> 00:04:11,317
"Frank can carry it."
85
00:04:12,997 --> 00:04:14,836
Gladly.
86
00:04:14,837 --> 00:04:18,115
I mean, the-the designs
are just mouth-watering, Bob.
87
00:04:18,116 --> 00:04:19,955
I showed them to my
swimming instructor
88
00:04:19,956 --> 00:04:24,237
and she said it was a bathroom that
was both elegant and practical.
89
00:04:24,238 --> 00:04:26,316
Sounds lovely.
90
00:04:26,317 --> 00:04:28,515
How many more have we got, Frank?
91
00:04:28,516 --> 00:04:31,237
I'm knackered.
It's the last couple, Bob.
92
00:04:39,477 --> 00:04:42,316
Good afternoon.
Jim Henderson?
93
00:04:42,317 --> 00:04:43,997
Hendo Henderson?
Who's asking?
94
00:04:43,998 --> 00:04:47,756
Bob Servant. Simple Servant!
95
00:04:47,757 --> 00:04:49,516
How you doing?
96
00:04:49,517 --> 00:04:51,915
Actually, Hendo,
it's Bob Servant, independent,
97
00:04:51,916 --> 00:04:54,195
nailed-on favourite in the Broughty
Ferry by-election.
98
00:04:54,196 --> 00:04:56,595
Ah? Well, you'll always be Simple
Servant to me.
99
00:04:56,596 --> 00:04:59,477
Is that right? Have we got your vote,
Hendo?
100
00:04:59,478 --> 00:05:02,997
As I says, he'll always be
Simple Servant to me.
101
00:05:06,717 --> 00:05:08,837
Come on, Bob.
102
00:05:17,637 --> 00:05:22,396
Hello there. This is Bob Servant,
independent. We're standing...
103
00:05:22,397 --> 00:05:25,395
I heard you on the radio.
I loved the free wellies idea.
104
00:05:25,396 --> 00:05:27,715
Well, without being an awfa
big head,
105
00:05:27,716 --> 00:05:29,915
the free wellies policy
was actually one of mine.
106
00:05:29,916 --> 00:05:33,715
Oh! 50 years he's been giving me
that. Well, you've got my vote.
107
00:05:33,716 --> 00:05:36,197
Can you do something
about our road? Fire ahead!
108
00:05:36,198 --> 00:05:39,556
Everyone laughing at wee
Simple Servant.
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00:05:39,557 --> 00:05:41,635
I have phoned the
council week in, week out
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00:05:41,636 --> 00:05:44,357
aboot the potholes. Madam, we will
raise merry hell
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00:05:44,358 --> 00:05:48,477
and soon those potholes...
Well! This ends TODAY!
112
00:05:49,957 --> 00:05:52,917
Excuse me. Bob. Bob!
113
00:05:55,157 --> 00:05:57,596
Bob, we've already done this one.
114
00:05:57,597 --> 00:06:01,677
I just want a wee chat with him.
Just a nice wee chat.
115
00:06:02,557 --> 00:06:06,436
What is it noo, Simple?
One, don't call me Simple.
116
00:06:06,437 --> 00:06:09,075
Two, I am the de facto MP
for Broughty Ferry
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00:06:09,076 --> 00:06:11,077
and I deserve a certain
amount of respect.
118
00:06:11,078 --> 00:06:16,076
But that's your name. Simple.
I said, don't call me Simple!
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00:06:16,077 --> 00:06:18,357
Bob, I don't think you...
Hey, hey, hey!
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00:06:18,358 --> 00:06:22,796
This is private property here!
I'm not Simple any more!
121
00:06:22,797 --> 00:06:25,637
Right, you two, just calm down, OK?
122
00:06:30,517 --> 00:06:32,516
Nice in here, Hendo.
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00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:35,157
Very... cosy.
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00:06:36,197 --> 00:06:37,236
Ah!
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00:06:37,237 --> 00:06:40,276
Where's your extension?
Is it oot the back?
126
00:06:40,277 --> 00:06:43,596
I don't have one.
Oh, really? That's a shame.
127
00:06:43,597 --> 00:06:47,556
My extension is probably
the size of your entire hoose.
128
00:06:47,557 --> 00:06:49,275
Oh, well, I might get one.
129
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,717
I could do with the extra space when
the grandkids visit.
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00:06:51,718 --> 00:06:53,757
Any grandkids, Bob?
131
00:06:55,437 --> 00:06:57,316
Oh, Hendo,
132
00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:01,637
am I right in thinking that you ran
away with that boy frae Fintry
133
00:07:01,638 --> 00:07:04,836
wha' drove the red Sierra?
I think it was you.
134
00:07:04,837 --> 00:07:05,996
That was my wife.
135
00:07:05,997 --> 00:07:10,036
Oh, it was your wife?
Oh, I knew it was one of yous.
136
00:07:10,037 --> 00:07:12,835
Right, well, er, thanks for popping
round lads,
137
00:07:12,836 --> 00:07:15,037
but Countdown's just aboot
to start... Frank,
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00:07:15,038 --> 00:07:18,437
this man was my first ever
boo boy.
139
00:07:19,597 --> 00:07:21,357
That Hendo Henderson?
140
00:07:22,637 --> 00:07:24,317
You and all your cronies.
141
00:07:24,318 --> 00:07:29,516
Telling the girls that my jumpers
were daft and that I had an odd walk.
142
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,317
Well, here's the headlines, Hendo.
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00:07:32,397 --> 00:07:35,077
I've got the best walk in
Broughty Ferry
144
00:07:35,078 --> 00:07:38,676
and my jumpers are the
nicest in the toon.
145
00:07:38,677 --> 00:07:40,276
Or...
146
00:07:40,277 --> 00:07:42,117
would you call that...
147
00:07:43,277 --> 00:07:46,477
daft?
A wee bit, aye.
148
00:07:47,517 --> 00:07:49,157
That's cashmere!
149
00:07:50,997 --> 00:07:53,516
Feel it.
Bob, behave yourself!
150
00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:57,636
It's 40% cashmere!
Aye, all right, Bob. All right.
151
00:07:57,637 --> 00:08:00,837
Your jumper is... is very nice.
152
00:08:03,597 --> 00:08:05,517
What do you like best about it?
153
00:08:07,357 --> 00:08:08,717
Patterns?
154
00:08:10,677 --> 00:08:12,557
Now we're getting somewhere.
155
00:08:14,797 --> 00:08:18,637
Right! Let's sort this walk situation
out.
156
00:08:26,117 --> 00:08:27,396
Very strong.
157
00:08:27,397 --> 00:08:29,197
And... what do you like best?
158
00:08:29,198 --> 00:08:31,636
Your... chin. You kind of...
159
00:08:31,637 --> 00:08:32,956
Hold it high?
160
00:08:32,957 --> 00:08:35,796
Correct. And well I should.
161
00:08:35,797 --> 00:08:39,036
But even today,
the day of my coronation,
162
00:08:39,037 --> 00:08:41,197
there had to be one last boo boy.
163
00:08:41,198 --> 00:08:43,476
Well, Hendo, when I'm elected MP,
164
00:08:43,477 --> 00:08:46,757
I'm gonna have you all rounded up,
brought to the town hall,
165
00:08:46,758 --> 00:08:50,036
and made to stand on a bucket
and say,
166
00:08:50,037 --> 00:08:51,595
"I'm a Broughty Ferry boo boy,
167
00:08:51,596 --> 00:08:54,997
"I'm a nasty piece of work, and I was
wrong about Bob Servant."
168
00:08:54,998 --> 00:08:58,516
You know something, Bob?
I was wrong aboot you.
169
00:08:58,517 --> 00:09:03,196
I thought you were just daft. In
fact, you are utterly deranged.
170
00:09:03,197 --> 00:09:07,637
Now piss off, take your brother with
you and let me watch Countdown.
171
00:09:07,638 --> 00:09:10,557
There'll be no sums today, Hendo.
172
00:09:12,117 --> 00:09:14,517
You're one of my... Agh!
173
00:09:18,157 --> 00:09:19,957
I'll just put them back in.
Look, Bob,
174
00:09:19,958 --> 00:09:22,756
perhaps we should...
No sums today!
175
00:09:22,757 --> 00:09:25,236
Oh!
Ah, it seems fine.
176
00:09:25,237 --> 00:09:28,317
Bob, I think that's coming here.
177
00:09:32,437 --> 00:09:34,517
Let's hope they're not
showing Jaws tonight.
178
00:09:34,518 --> 00:09:37,796
Jesus! It's all gone Cagney & Lacey!
179
00:09:37,797 --> 00:09:41,797
Come on, Frank! Come on! Let's hit
the mealy pudding trail.
180
00:09:43,957 --> 00:09:45,317
Now, Bob...
181
00:09:46,317 --> 00:09:48,077
I'm no finger pointer...
182
00:09:48,078 --> 00:09:50,996
but I think perhaps
183
00:09:50,997 --> 00:09:56,156
you have at least partly created a
situation that is, some might say,
184
00:09:56,157 --> 00:09:58,196
a total disaster.
185
00:09:58,197 --> 00:10:03,116
Well, then, we'll have to make it a
secret disaster.
186
00:10:03,117 --> 00:10:04,915
And what do we do
in the meantime, Bob?
187
00:10:04,916 --> 00:10:07,035
We should be out there
campaigning.
188
00:10:07,036 --> 00:10:10,675
Now we're Broughty Ferry's most
wanted. So, we spend a few hours on
the run.
189
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:14,037
It's a piece of piss. We'll grow
beards, hide out in the swamps.
190
00:10:14,038 --> 00:10:15,836
There arenae any swamps.
191
00:10:15,837 --> 00:10:20,076
Well, then, we'll lie low in a motel,
get job as handymen,
192
00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:22,755
helping oot around the place,
live under assumed names,
193
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:25,277
be polite to the other guests without
giving too much away.
194
00:10:26,517 --> 00:10:27,717
And then...
195
00:10:28,997 --> 00:10:30,877
we'll come back this evening.
196
00:10:31,877 --> 00:10:34,317
The police, though, Bob -
they'll be on our tail.
197
00:10:34,318 --> 00:10:35,756
Now, Frank,
198
00:10:35,757 --> 00:10:38,357
I need you to stand up to
interrogation for a couple of days.
199
00:10:38,358 --> 00:10:39,756
Interrogation?
200
00:10:39,757 --> 00:10:42,356
You know, Chinese burns,
201
00:10:42,357 --> 00:10:44,516
er, thumbnails,
202
00:10:44,517 --> 00:10:47,277
the old elastic band round
your balls.
203
00:10:48,277 --> 00:10:49,677
Round my balls?
204
00:11:01,877 --> 00:11:03,117
Stay still.
205
00:11:04,717 --> 00:11:06,717
Stay very, very still.
206
00:11:08,237 --> 00:11:11,677
And we pledge to stand by
everything in the manifesto.
207
00:11:11,678 --> 00:11:13,837
Don't stop there!
208
00:11:15,237 --> 00:11:18,676
Oh, come on, lads.
Come on, you're killing me!
209
00:11:18,677 --> 00:11:20,037
You're killing me!
210
00:11:21,637 --> 00:11:27,556
The man was an 18-carat bully,
which is why Bob, quite rightly,
211
00:11:27,557 --> 00:11:29,757
booted the fuck out of his
telly.
212
00:11:29,758 --> 00:11:31,637
Sorry, officer.
213
00:11:41,397 --> 00:11:44,196
Bob, what d'you think gonna
hap...? Ssh!
214
00:11:44,197 --> 00:11:45,557
Ssh!
215
00:11:47,117 --> 00:11:48,437
They're watching.
216
00:11:51,237 --> 00:11:52,477
Two-way mirror.
217
00:11:55,037 --> 00:11:59,596
Oh, my God.
Cool, Frank. Keep cool.
218
00:11:59,597 --> 00:12:01,117
Just gie them a wee smile.
219
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:12,715
Right, Mr Servant, I don't have time
for this. You think I do?
220
00:12:12,716 --> 00:12:16,597
Mr Henderson wants £500 compensation
for the remote control,
221
00:12:16,598 --> 00:12:20,636
the TV and his two fish
who had heart attacks.
222
00:12:20,637 --> 00:12:22,677
Agree to that
and you're off with a caution.
223
00:12:22,678 --> 00:12:24,796
Nae chance!
224
00:12:24,797 --> 00:12:27,356
You've derailed my entire
campaign,
225
00:12:27,357 --> 00:12:30,875
which is illegal. Now, it gives me no
pleasure to do this,
226
00:12:30,876 --> 00:12:33,077
but I hereby instruct you
to arrest yoursel'.
227
00:12:33,078 --> 00:12:35,716
£500, Bob.
228
00:12:35,717 --> 00:12:38,277
Yes or no?
229
00:12:40,437 --> 00:12:43,436
Right, er, we will pay every
penny.
230
00:12:43,437 --> 00:12:46,677
We apologise and you'll get no more
bother from us.
231
00:12:46,678 --> 00:12:48,236
Just...
232
00:12:48,237 --> 00:12:49,837
I'm actually begging you here.
233
00:12:49,838 --> 00:12:52,637
Do not put that round my balls.
234
00:12:56,957 --> 00:12:58,276
Hello. Er...
235
00:12:58,277 --> 00:13:03,757
This is a damage limitation
cold call from the Bob Servant
independent campaign.
236
00:13:03,758 --> 00:13:07,836
You may have heard
that Bob kicked a telly.
237
00:13:07,837 --> 00:13:09,957
However, it could be argued
that...
238
00:13:11,437 --> 00:13:12,597
Hello?
239
00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:15,037
Hello?
240
00:13:17,717 --> 00:13:19,356
Hendo!
241
00:13:19,357 --> 00:13:21,076
Oh!
242
00:13:21,077 --> 00:13:23,116
Aye... How we getting on?
243
00:13:23,117 --> 00:13:26,157
Superbly. How many people have you
spoken to?
244
00:13:26,158 --> 00:13:28,196
Er... two.
245
00:13:28,197 --> 00:13:29,397
Oh!
246
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:34,076
Two? It's a funny story.
247
00:13:34,077 --> 00:13:37,196
The first guy I phoned wasn't
at home.
248
00:13:37,197 --> 00:13:39,076
So, I called his neighbour
249
00:13:39,077 --> 00:13:42,236
and they said he was on
holiday in Blackpool.
250
00:13:42,237 --> 00:13:45,996
Well, I wasnae gonna
let it go that easily.
251
00:13:45,997 --> 00:13:49,916
Directory Enquiries gave me a list
of Blackpool hotels,
252
00:13:49,917 --> 00:13:53,035
who all said, "Oh, he's no'
here, we cannae help you,"
253
00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:55,595
et cetera, et cetera,
blah-dy blah-dy blah-dy blah.
254
00:13:55,596 --> 00:13:58,997
But efter a couple o' hours...
A couple of hours?
255
00:13:58,998 --> 00:14:00,596
I got him!
256
00:14:00,597 --> 00:14:02,556
He's at...
257
00:14:02,557 --> 00:14:07,116
Blackpool's two-star Royal Hotel.
258
00:14:07,117 --> 00:14:08,875
Which actually sounds lovely.
259
00:14:08,876 --> 00:14:13,117
They said, "He's not in, he's oot
having a walk on the beach."
260
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:17,396
So, I said, "Tell him someone's
ringing from Broughty Ferry.
261
00:14:17,397 --> 00:14:21,637
"It's an emergency
and it involves his family."
262
00:14:22,677 --> 00:14:24,677
Five minutes later,
he calls me.
263
00:14:25,797 --> 00:14:27,276
Very out of breath.
264
00:14:27,277 --> 00:14:30,196
I said I was calling from the
campaign
265
00:14:30,197 --> 00:14:32,395
and for the good of him and
his family,
266
00:14:32,396 --> 00:14:35,075
would he be voting for us
in the by-election?
267
00:14:35,076 --> 00:14:39,197
He said he wouldn't... Well, he was
actually quite firm aboot that.
268
00:14:40,197 --> 00:14:42,315
But what he also said, which...
269
00:14:42,316 --> 00:14:44,957
which I thought
was a very clever point, was...
270
00:14:46,037 --> 00:14:49,037
he couldn't vote for us
in the by-election today...
271
00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:51,596
because
272
00:14:51,597 --> 00:14:54,477
he is currently on holiday!
273
00:14:56,517 --> 00:14:58,357
In Blackpool.
274
00:15:12,157 --> 00:15:14,557
Everybody's looking at us,
Frank.
275
00:15:15,797 --> 00:15:17,556
They all know.
276
00:15:17,557 --> 00:15:20,157
Hendo's murdered me here.
No-one's looking, Bob.
277
00:15:20,158 --> 00:15:23,397
No-one's looking.
Everything'll be A-OK.
278
00:15:24,397 --> 00:15:26,597
That's what you said about
mad cow.
279
00:15:26,598 --> 00:15:27,837
Was that A-OK?
280
00:15:28,957 --> 00:15:33,516
Rhona! You're looking decidedly top
drawer this evening.
281
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:35,795
I'm surprised you've had the gall to
show up.
282
00:15:35,796 --> 00:15:40,315
To what would you be referring? Your
campaign has been an embarrassment
for Broughty Ferry.
283
00:15:40,316 --> 00:15:42,195
For a by-election candidate to
go around,
284
00:15:42,196 --> 00:15:45,075
on election day, kicking television
sets and killing goldfish...
285
00:15:45,076 --> 00:15:48,995
I didnae kill the goldfish!
It's all over town, Bob.
Shall we wait for the autopsy?
286
00:15:48,996 --> 00:15:52,875
Well, if you lose your deposit,
you've only got yourself to blame.
287
00:15:52,876 --> 00:15:54,395
What do you mean, "lose"?
288
00:15:54,396 --> 00:15:58,037
You need 5% of the vote
to have your deposit returned.
289
00:15:58,038 --> 00:15:59,916
Which will be around...
290
00:15:59,917 --> 00:16:01,876
1,000 votes.
291
00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:05,315
That... That... That can't be
right. It's supposed to deter
timewasters.
292
00:16:05,316 --> 00:16:10,395
Timewasters?! Well, Rhona, if
standing up for the people and
shooting from the hip is timewasting
293
00:16:10,396 --> 00:16:13,995
then we might as well haul up the
white flag, get on a spaceship,
294
00:16:13,996 --> 00:16:15,995
drop the keys off to the
Martians and say,
295
00:16:15,996 --> 00:16:18,637
"All right, you boys have a go
at living on Earth if you like,
296
00:16:18,638 --> 00:16:20,597
"because we've fucked it!"
297
00:16:23,757 --> 00:16:25,957
God, this is going to be a long
night.
298
00:16:30,637 --> 00:16:32,237
Bob... You'll get your dough, Frank.
299
00:16:32,238 --> 00:16:34,236
My new bathroom, Bob.
300
00:16:34,237 --> 00:16:36,835
It's both elegant and practical.
Frank!
301
00:16:36,836 --> 00:16:39,675
My entire reputation's on the line
here! Never mind your bathroom!
302
00:16:39,676 --> 00:16:41,555
Bob... There's nothing wrong
303
00:16:41,556 --> 00:16:43,957
with your old bathroom.
I ripped it oot.
304
00:16:43,958 --> 00:16:46,477
When? Last Saturday night.
305
00:16:47,717 --> 00:16:50,317
Thought I might as well
get ahead in the job.
306
00:16:51,437 --> 00:16:52,636
I was...
307
00:16:52,637 --> 00:16:54,997
heavily inebriated.
308
00:16:56,917 --> 00:17:00,317
Where have you been going
to the toilet?
309
00:17:01,757 --> 00:17:02,877
Just sort of...
310
00:17:04,357 --> 00:17:05,677
on the hoof.
311
00:17:10,317 --> 00:17:11,517
All right, lads?
312
00:17:12,677 --> 00:17:15,955
No, no, no, no. You can't talk
to us. Er, which one's mine?
313
00:17:15,956 --> 00:17:18,435
Can we do hot and cold?
Mr Servant, please go away.
314
00:17:18,436 --> 00:17:22,955
Oh, come on, hen. Gie's a break.
I mean, you're... you're not robots,
you people. You have to have hearts.
315
00:17:22,956 --> 00:17:26,035
You are breaking
several regulations right now,
316
00:17:26,036 --> 00:17:27,435
so if you could please...
317
00:17:27,436 --> 00:17:29,235
Interfering with
the vote counters now?
318
00:17:29,236 --> 00:17:30,955
My word, you're having a
spectacular day.
319
00:17:30,956 --> 00:17:33,277
No, no, no. Just checking the
troops.
320
00:17:33,278 --> 00:17:38,196
Must be pretty boring for them,
seeing my name over and over again.
321
00:17:38,197 --> 00:17:40,036
You're just a...
322
00:17:40,037 --> 00:17:41,877
cocky-longlegs.
323
00:17:42,877 --> 00:17:43,997
Cocky-longlegs?
324
00:17:45,637 --> 00:17:48,037
I am extremely tired.
325
00:18:08,077 --> 00:18:09,516
Ladies and gentlemen.
326
00:18:09,517 --> 00:18:13,877
Thank you for your patience.
The results will be announced
in five minutes.
327
00:18:32,517 --> 00:18:34,077
Well, good luck, Bob...
328
00:18:35,077 --> 00:18:36,517
with your reputation.
329
00:18:37,677 --> 00:18:39,476
And you, Frank,
330
00:18:39,477 --> 00:18:41,877
with your... bathroom.
331
00:18:50,677 --> 00:18:52,715
I can't tell you anything, Bob.
332
00:18:52,716 --> 00:18:55,477
Well, just tell me, just tell me
it's not boo boy material,
Rhona.
333
00:18:55,478 --> 00:18:58,716
Just tell me that, please.
Get back.
334
00:18:58,717 --> 00:18:59,957
Morning.
335
00:19:03,077 --> 00:19:04,197
Oh!
336
00:19:05,957 --> 00:19:07,797
Nearly gave myself a hot bot!
337
00:19:07,798 --> 00:19:09,636
Ladies and gentlemen,
338
00:19:09,637 --> 00:19:12,477
I have here the results of the
Broughty Ferry by-election.
339
00:19:14,277 --> 00:19:17,956
Blackburn, Susan.
340
00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:21,717
4,296.
341
00:19:29,437 --> 00:19:30,796
Apologies.
342
00:19:30,797 --> 00:19:33,956
Edwards, Nick.
343
00:19:33,957 --> 00:19:38,077
9,546.
344
00:19:45,197 --> 00:19:46,796
Sorry.
345
00:19:46,797 --> 00:19:49,516
Ferrie, Thomas.
346
00:19:49,517 --> 00:19:53,116
5,872.
347
00:19:53,117 --> 00:19:56,477
Him?! This is insane!
348
00:19:59,197 --> 00:20:02,117
Just whisper mine. Back!
349
00:20:05,197 --> 00:20:08,117
Servant, Robert.
350
00:20:09,637 --> 00:20:12,957
112.
351
00:20:23,877 --> 00:20:25,117
Triple figures.
352
00:20:26,757 --> 00:20:32,436
Ladies and gentlemen, we are about
to embark on an extraordinary
journey,
353
00:20:32,437 --> 00:20:38,476
and though I will be based in
Westminster, for... practical
reasons,
354
00:20:38,477 --> 00:20:40,076
from this day forward,
355
00:20:40,077 --> 00:20:42,276
I am a Brochty...
356
00:20:42,277 --> 00:20:45,357
Broughty.
...Broughty Ferry man.
357
00:20:53,837 --> 00:20:55,916
Firstly...
358
00:20:55,917 --> 00:20:59,756
As a GENUINE Broughty Ferry man,
359
00:20:59,757 --> 00:21:03,836
I officially withdraw my bid.
360
00:21:03,837 --> 00:21:05,916
Secondly...
361
00:21:05,917 --> 00:21:11,116
To the people who, it could be
argued, got more votes than me,
362
00:21:11,117 --> 00:21:13,637
if you have cheated, and just now
it's only a rumour,
363
00:21:13,638 --> 00:21:18,077
then that is something
you'll have to live with.
364
00:21:19,557 --> 00:21:24,036
But more important, more important
than the also-rans
365
00:21:24,037 --> 00:21:27,117
is a wee man standing over
there, with glasses,
366
00:21:27,118 --> 00:21:29,556
called Frank.
367
00:21:29,557 --> 00:21:31,476
Over the last six weeks,
368
00:21:31,477 --> 00:21:34,476
he has worked like a... farmer.
369
00:21:34,477 --> 00:21:37,516
And yet recently,
370
00:21:37,517 --> 00:21:41,796
Frank has been unable to go to the
toilet in his own home.
371
00:21:41,797 --> 00:21:45,516
Ladies and gentlemen,
372
00:21:45,517 --> 00:21:47,836
as long as we live in a world
373
00:21:47,837 --> 00:21:50,396
where it is possible for a good
man
374
00:21:50,397 --> 00:21:54,037
to be unable to go to the toilet in
the comfort of his own home,
375
00:21:54,038 --> 00:21:55,797
I shall keep fighting.
376
00:21:56,957 --> 00:22:01,035
And to those of you who think you've
seen the last of Bob Servant,
377
00:22:01,036 --> 00:22:04,117
well, you're wrong. Because you
haven't seen the last of Bob Servant.
378
00:22:05,117 --> 00:22:06,557
So, good night...
379
00:22:07,637 --> 00:22:09,636
God bless...
380
00:22:09,637 --> 00:22:11,957
and safe journey home.
381
00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,196
And if,
382
00:22:17,197 --> 00:22:18,956
on that journey home,
383
00:22:18,957 --> 00:22:23,276
you should see a little child
looking sad...
384
00:22:23,277 --> 00:22:25,036
then...
385
00:22:25,037 --> 00:22:26,757
stop the car...
386
00:22:27,877 --> 00:22:29,196
open the door,
387
00:22:29,197 --> 00:22:31,597
coax them inside...
388
00:22:33,157 --> 00:22:35,076
turn off the lights
389
00:22:35,077 --> 00:22:37,477
and give that little child...
390
00:22:38,717 --> 00:22:41,076
the tightest cuddle you have
391
00:22:41,077 --> 00:22:43,316
and say...
392
00:22:43,317 --> 00:22:47,397
"That's from old Bob."
393
00:22:51,477 --> 00:22:52,797
Good night!
394
00:23:04,237 --> 00:23:06,956
I'll get you your bathroom,
Frank.
395
00:23:06,957 --> 00:23:08,877
It's not aboot the bathroom, Bob.
396
00:23:10,437 --> 00:23:11,596
I know it's not.
397
00:23:28,077 --> 00:23:30,277
Yes, you can use the karaoke.
Just don't touch...
398
00:23:30,278 --> 00:23:31,676
Whoa!
399
00:23:31,677 --> 00:23:35,396
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
400
00:23:35,397 --> 00:23:37,197
Whoa!
401
00:23:38,837 --> 00:23:42,516
Whoa! Whoa!
402
00:23:42,517 --> 00:23:47,157
Bob, these gentlemen are the lucky
recipients of your charitable
initiative.
403
00:23:47,158 --> 00:23:50,636
Sorry, folks.
I'm staying put.
404
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:52,956
The homeless party's off.
405
00:23:52,957 --> 00:23:55,315
But, Bob, these men need
your help.
406
00:23:55,316 --> 00:23:57,115
I can see that. Right, lads...
407
00:23:57,116 --> 00:23:59,357
It's back under the railway
arches for you tonight.
408
00:24:00,837 --> 00:24:05,637
Ach, you'll be fine. Just get a
fire going and tell sad stories.
409
00:24:07,157 --> 00:24:08,956
Hey! Hey! You.
410
00:24:08,957 --> 00:24:11,116
Is that my snazzy jacket?
411
00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:14,077
That, right there...
412
00:24:15,157 --> 00:24:17,277
is the final straw.
413
00:24:26,197 --> 00:24:27,357
Well done, Frank!
414
00:24:31,077 --> 00:24:34,196
Frank! Frank, what are you doing?!
415
00:24:34,197 --> 00:24:36,197
Frank! Frank!
416
00:24:38,197 --> 00:24:39,997
They're not my trousers, Frank.
417
00:24:41,757 --> 00:24:43,957
Stop it, Frank! Stop it.
You're being an idiot.
418
00:24:43,958 --> 00:24:47,837
I am not an idiot, Bob.
I am just doing my best.
419
00:24:48,957 --> 00:24:52,597
I am just doing my best.
420
00:24:54,597 --> 00:24:57,357
Frank!
421
00:24:58,437 --> 00:25:01,036
Frank! Frank!
422
00:25:01,037 --> 00:25:02,717
Frank!
423
00:25:21,597 --> 00:25:23,436
Listen, Frank.
424
00:25:23,437 --> 00:25:26,397
Let me tell you something
aboot winning and losing.
425
00:25:27,677 --> 00:25:31,557
Because you're probably wondering who
won the by-election.
426
00:25:31,558 --> 00:25:33,916
It was Edwards.
No, Frank.
427
00:25:33,917 --> 00:25:35,316
Who really won it.
428
00:25:35,317 --> 00:25:37,956
No, it was Edwards.
Frank,
429
00:25:37,957 --> 00:25:41,115
if we'd won the by-election,
we'd be aff to London
430
00:25:41,116 --> 00:25:43,675
to shake things up down
there, correct?
431
00:25:43,676 --> 00:25:45,875
But the punters don't want
that to happen.
432
00:25:45,876 --> 00:25:48,835
No, they... they made that quite
clear. Exactly.
433
00:25:48,836 --> 00:25:50,317
They want us right here.
434
00:25:52,597 --> 00:25:55,156
They've sent us a clear
message.
435
00:25:55,157 --> 00:25:56,596
"Stay here, lads,
436
00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:59,556
"because we need you,
we admire you,
437
00:25:59,557 --> 00:26:03,317
"we like what we've seen
and we want to see more."
438
00:26:04,877 --> 00:26:07,235
Broughty Ferry has spoken,
Francis.
439
00:26:07,236 --> 00:26:10,957
And I will not play deaf to the
people of Broughty Ferry.
440
00:26:10,958 --> 00:26:14,716
Neither will I.
We did it, Frank.
441
00:26:14,717 --> 00:26:17,116
We more or less did it.
442
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:18,836
We sort of won.
443
00:26:18,837 --> 00:26:23,477
Pretty much. Now, I believe we've got
a party to go to.
444
00:26:51,677 --> 00:26:54,197
You got that 60 quid for the
party, lads?
445
00:26:54,198 --> 00:26:55,676
Sorry, Stewpot.
446
00:26:55,677 --> 00:26:58,437
Nae win, nae fee.
447
00:27:03,797 --> 00:27:05,156
Revolting.
448
00:27:05,157 --> 00:27:07,356
Cheers.
449
00:27:08,873 --> 00:27:18,978
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
450
00:27:19,038 --> 00:27:21,236
So, what's next, Bob?
451
00:27:21,237 --> 00:27:25,517
Frank... think about the most exciting
thing you can.
452
00:27:27,357 --> 00:27:28,477
Now double it.
453
00:27:29,557 --> 00:27:31,357
Now times it by ten.
454
00:27:32,837 --> 00:27:36,077
Oh, Francis, Francis, not
even close!
455
00:27:37,397 --> 00:27:41,076
Morning, lads! Bob Servant,
independent!