Good sausages.
ALARM
(BREAKS WIND)
Oh, Rob!
Leone?
Leone!
Leone?
Morning, matey-boy.
Good morning. Lovely weather for it! Come on.
Where are we going? We're borrowing Barry's trailer.
Does he mind? He's on holiday. He'll never know.
Do we really need a trailer? Course we do. There are five of us.
We're not going to sit with all that booze on our laps, are we?
No, I suppose not.
Bit of T-Cut, that'll polish out no problem.
All right, Rob?
All right. Come to help me hitch this up?
Not really. I don't do manual, I'm more strategic.
Ahh. Rob...you know Clive? Lives over the back of me.
Hello. How do you do?
I saw you before you were at the... HORN HONKS
Who's this, then? My future son-in-law. That's Daniel.
Right. So he's coming, too, is he? Yes.
Am I late?
No, no. Morning.
Ahh, so you're young Daniel, are you?
I'm Dave.
Come to give us a hand, have you? Have I? Oh, right. Yeah.
This is Rob. Have nothing to do with him. Nothing but trouble.
All right. All right.
Well, come on, then. Sling your coats in. The back's open.
Where's Gerry? He's cutting it a bit fine.
Oh, Gerry's not coming. Shirley's got him doing the back bedroom.
So it's just the four of us?
Er...no, it's still five.
So, if Gerry can't make it, who's coming?
You can't be serious? It was Cath's idea.
She got talking to his old lady.
Is there a problem? A problem?
(LAUGHS)
Morning. Morning.
Morning all. Looks like it's going to be a lovely day.
Yeah, peachy.
Clive, this is Maurice. How do you do?
He lives over the back of me. Hazeldean. Very nice.
This is Daniel.
How do. He's marrying my daughter Chloe.
The social event of the year, eh, matey-boy?
Well, come on, then. Wagons roll.
Pile in, Daniel.
Erm...excuse me?
Yes? I sit in the front.
Tell him, Dave, don't I? I always go in the front.
I don't do very well in the backs of cars, so if you wouldn't mind...
(Pompous prat.)
Why's he coming along? It's the wedding.
He wanted to save a few bob on the champagne. My idea.
You're really on a roll, aren't you?
Where am I supposed to sit? In the trailer?
Why not put your crap in the back?
Better still, why don't you get in the back? Leave the crap in the car.
Are you off, then?
Have a lovely time. Drive safely.
Oh, thanks, babe. Yeah, we should be back before eight.
Have a nice day, boys. Play nicely.
Hey, don't forget my Cinzano.
I won't forget your Cinzano.
Right. Calais, here we come.
Right, Clive...
# FREE: All Right Now
# There she stood
# In the street
# Smiling from her head to her feet
# Uh, hey-hey
# What is this?
# So, baby, baby, baby... need of a kiss
# I said "Hey, all goes so fast" # A bit early for all this, isn't it?
Radio Two doesn't seem to think so. I'm not really a Radio Two person.
May I? SWITCHES RADIO OFF
I'm with you, only I didn't like to say anything. Not one to complain.
Do what? You do nothing but complain.
I only complain when I have a valid thing to complain about.
Like your shed. Like my shed. Like your shed. Here we go.
When are you going to get it through that grotesque dome of yours
that it is my shed?
MINE. I can do what I want with it.
You should see it, Clive. It's a disgrace.
You can't see it from your place because of your fir trees.
They're Lalandei. When are you going to cut them back?
When you get rid of that eyesore.
It's not an eyesore, that's my wine cellar.
Thanks to your trees, it's the coldest place on the property.
For goodness' sake. Are we going to have this bickering all day?
I thought the idea was to have a pleasant time in France.
And it is, matey-boy. It is. And we will have, won't we, Rob?
Rob? Yes.
Blinding.
Maurice? You'll have no trouble from me.
We're in Europe now, aren't we? For crying out loud.
You still need a passport, Dan.
Oh, dear, dear, dear. You've got a real winner here, Clive.
I didn't know.
What are we going to do now?
What?
Well, that's one way of dealing with the problem, I suppose.
(GRUNTS)
Oww!
GULLS CRY
Can I ask...why are we here so early?
To beat the rush.
Right, yes.
Well, we've certainly done that.
If you come this time, you get a cracking good deal.
It's saved us at least 20 quid.
That's 20 quid each, yeah? Don't be ridiculous.
You got us up at half-past five just to save four quid a head?
Mmm.
Well, look on the bright side, matey-boy, we'll be first on.
Hello, Adrian, it's me. Could you call me as soon as you get this?
I'm on my mobile all day. Thanks. Bye.
TURNS PHONE OFF
Look at the time, we should've been away hours ago.
There's no point in getting agitated.
The captain didn't hit the jetty on purpose.
Here you are. Oh, thank you. Any word?
They're waiting for another boat to come in.
Why do we have to go on a French boat in the first place?
You don't. You can stay here.
This has thrown my schedule out. There's not a lot you can do.
Here you are. Ta.
Hello?
Hello.
Hello?
Is anybody there? Shh! Daniel, keep it down.
I really need a pee. Shouldn't be too long, old mate.
Just cross your legs, huh?
Will we make it to Cafe De La Mairie for lunch?
Oh, we're not going there this time, Rob.
What do you mean? We always go there.
Clive suggested a little place in Boulogne he thought we might like.
Oh, has he? That's nice. We have to do what Clive says now, do we?
Come on, Rob. It's not like that. Oh, no?
I always sit in the front. Now I'm stuck in the back.
We go to the same place for lunch. Now it's somewhere else because Lord Muck says so!
What do you want me to do? Say no.
Blinding trip this is turning out to be.
ANNOUNCER: Harbour authorities
are pleased to announce the cross-channel ferry to Calais...
Yes. ..is now ready for boarding.
Daniel, not long now. We've got the green light.
Hey! What are you doing?
We were here first.
It just gets better by the minute, doesn't it?
Well, that went quite well, I think.
I told you no-one would spot him.
Where are the toilets? You've got to be back in the box
before we land.
Hello!
Spot of lunch, everyone? Coming, matey-boy?
Dave, sorry, I don't want to make an issue of this,
could you not call me "matey-boy"? Oh, yeah, all right.
Sorry about that. No offence intended.
What do you want me to call you?
Well...Clive really.
OK. Clive it is.
I don't know about you, but I could murder a Danish, Clivey-boy.
Hang on, lads. Rob.
What's that?
Grace thought I might find it useful.
What is it? 101 Ways To Complain In French?
There you go.
One tea, two coffees.
What do you want, Maurice? We've got...croissant,
pain au chocolat or Danish. Typical. Nothing English.
Sugar's Tate & Lyle. I'll stick to my Digestives, thanks.
Where's Clive got to? Missing all the fun.
ANNOUNCER: Les points de ralliement sont reconnaissables
en moyen de signes carres
verts et blancs...
Thank you.
Aux points de ralliement un membre de l'equipage
vous donnera un gilet de sauvetage...
Right. I've been giving some thought to the old schedule.
First off - Shh! Shh! Shh!
..a votre point de ralliement. What?
Did you hear that safety announcement?
The French version was a good 20 seconds longer than the English.
Maybe even 25.
Am I missing something here?
Well, just ask yourself,
what vital information are they giving the frogs
that they're not giving to us?
He's mad.
Yeah, it'd be typical of the French.
Sort themselves out. You're paranoid.
You won't be saying that when they're rowing off in the lifeboats
and you're in the Channel clinging to your Danish pastry.
I can't take any more of this.
I'm going up on deck.
Dieses war verspatet auf sieben...
Hello?
Hello.
Hello, could I - could I have a quick word?
It's about your shed - I'm sorry, I'm not interested.
I don't want to talk about it. No, no, no, no.
Say what you like. It's not my affair.
I never started this and don't want to get involved now.
I haven't come to argue with you. To be honest,
I'm sick of the whole business. Can I get a word in?
I'm as sick of this as you are.
Both our husbands are behaving like schoolchildren.
I wouldn't say they were being that mature.
I thought I'd tell you that I have arranged
for some men to come round today to cut these trees back.
Oh, yeah? Yes. Then, hopefully,
we can get back to some semblance of normality.
What does your husband think?
Well, he doesn't know. I've packed him off to France for the day.
Rob's gone to France as well.
I know. They're together.
What, in the same car?!
(GIGGLES)
Oh, bloody 'ell!
Chislehurst? Really?
That's no distance. I'll ring you when we get home.
Oh, you will, will you?
Go on. Give us your number.
Behave.
It's hot, isn't it? Very hot.
And getting hotter.
What are you like?
Here you are, let me.
Factor 35!
Well, I burn easy.
Can I borrow some of this?
Yeah.
Back in a sec.
Oi! Where are you going?
Since junior school?
Yeah. Childhood sweethearts.
You've had other girlfriends in between...
No.
No?
Well, there didn't seem any point.
Chloe and I have always been an item. We knew we'd wind up together.
If you've not been with any other girls
how do you know Chloe's the best one for you?
It's like buying a new car, you don't just grab the first model.
No. You get in a few and see how they perform.
Sorry?
Look, before I married Cath, I went out with loads of lasses.
Just...something about Cath that set her apart.
Really?
Yeah. She was the only one that would have me.
(CHUCKLES)
Eh, lad.
(MIMICS GUNSHOT)
Yes. I'm sure it's a very good deal.
It is my daughter's wedding.
I ordered a cream marquee. A cream marquee is what I expect to have.
Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
Thank you. Goodbye.
Morning, Chloe. Before you disappear,
have you heard from Serena? Serena?
Serena, is she coming? I don't know.
Can you find out? Seating plans don't happen overnight.
Have you made the appointment with the hairdresser?
No.
Do you want me to do it? No, I'll do it.
Then do it.
DOORBELL
(SIGHS)
Hello, Take Six Video Productions.
Mrs Rainer asked us to come round.
About a wedding...
Hello, Dominic.
Hello.
You don't remember me, do you?
Erm...remind me.
Larkenwood School.
Oh, right.
You were three years above me.
Of course, yes. How are you...?
Britney.
Of course, yes. (GIGGLES) Come in.
That was easier than I thought.
We'll stop when we can and get Daniel out the trailer.
On the right! On the right!
HORN HONKS
I always forget that one.
Are you all right, Daniel?
You've caught the sun, Maurice. Have I?
That'll be from the boat. I'll have to watch it.
I think we'll all have to watch it. Right.
Revised itinerary. We'll have dejeuner in Boulogne,
a saunter back up the coast, shopping in the hypermarket,
then back here to catch the early evening ferry.
When do we visit the cemetery?
Eh? My wife was told by your wife
that I'd get to see the cemetery. I could arrange that.
I'm not with you, Maurice.
What cemetery? The war graves.
I'm not here for shopping. I can do that at home.
I've come to see the war graves.
No-one else wants to see them,
you senile old twonk. I'd quite like to see them.
Well, if you want to see the war graves, Clive, no doubt we will,
isn't that right, Dave?
What is the problem here, Rob?
No problem at all, Clive. There is, Clive.
Dave and I have done this trip before. Many times.
We have a way of doing things and it works
and now suddenly you're in the car and everything's different.
His nose has been put out of joint, Clive.
Ignore him. I'll put your nose out of joint
if you don't wind your neck in. I don't want any unpleasantness.
If there's anything that I can do. You can sit back here with face ache
for a start. Lads, lads, come on.
This is not how it's supposed to be.
Just relax, eh?
We're here to enjoy ourselves, remember?
That's better.
# We're all going on a... For God's sake.
# Summer holiday, no more worries for a week or... #
Come on.
# Fun and laughter on a summer holiday
# For a week or two #
Come on, Clive.
# Oh, ho, a week or two
# We're going where the sun shines brightly
# Oh! We're going where the sea is blue
# Oh, yeah, we've seen it in the movies
# Let's see if it's tru-u-ue
# We're all going on a summer holiday... #
Like a drop more? Mmm. This is lovely. Thanks.
So, where are the twins today? Mum's got them for the weekend.
Bliss. Do you have children, Grace? No.
We never managed it. We huffed and puffed, but...
Well, it wasn't to be. I don't know if I'd have been much of a mother.
Anyway, who needs children? I have Maurice.
Oh, tell me about it.
I always say I've got three children,
twins of four and a 39-year-old. (CHUCKLES)
Those tree men are late.
They should've been here half an hour ago.
Give me a shout when they arrive.
Nothing cheers my day more
than hunks in hard hats wielding chainsaws.
It's primal, isn't it?
Look, if you haven't got to get away, why don't you stay for lunch?
I've got a nice bit of gammon and some salady stuff.
Yeah, you're on.
I'll just nip and get a bottle of Sauvignon out of Rob's shed.
Ooh, I say, that sounds nice. Well, I've got to make room
for the stuff he's bringing back, haven't I?
Did you do that? Yeah, on the boat.
How?
Sun block. I wanted to put tosser, but his head wasn't big enough.
(CHUCKLES)
Look, they do omelettes.
(BOTH LAUGH)
All right, Clivey?
Did you reach your business partner?
No, I couldn't get a signal.
I'll try again later. Give it a break.
Can't be that important it won't wait till Monday.
(LAUGHS)
Would you like some help with the menu, Maurice?
I thought I'd have an omelette. You can't just order omelette.
Let me pick something for you.
Oh, all right.
One can always learn from gourmets, like yourself.
Mmm.
(SNIGGERS)
Right. Receiving line will be in here
and I'd like everyone filmed as they come through.
Then they go out onto the lawns for champagne and canapes.
String quartet will be over there.
Shouldn't you be taking notes? It's all right. It's all filed.
Mmm.
Anyway, lunch will be in the marquee, which will be down there.
Here. Let me show you. She's got it all sorted.
She's doing my head in.
Mr Vernon. No. That's not what we discussed.
You broke my heart, you know that, don't you?
Me?
Yes. I really wanted to go out with you
but you didn't notice me. Really?
And I was gorgeous then. Fat, glasses, braces on my teeth.
Oh, what a babe (!) Just my type.
(GIGGLES) Instead you went out with Sarah Corsden.
I hated you for that.
Sarah Corsden?
Fat, glasses,
braces on her teeth. Why did I pick her instead of you?
She had big tits.
Oh, yeah. Men are so shallow.
Hello. Are you coming or not? We've a lot to get through.
You said it would be morning.
I see, so, when, then?
Well, can you let me know because - HANGS UP
They've gone. They're running late - trouble with an ash tree
in Beech Grove. Or was it a beech tree in Ash Grove?
Typical bloody men.
Yeah, sod them. Grace.
No, I mean it. Sod 'em all. Wait there.
What?
I mean, how hard can it be?
How hard can what be?
Grace?
Tres bien. Merci.
Ta very much.
Oh - forgot my jacket. Won't be a minute.
That was very nice. Very nice indeed.
What was it called again, Clive?
What? Gigues de chevreuil.
Would you excuse me? I've got to make this call.
You know what chevreuil is, don't you, Maurice?
No. Horse.
What? Horse.
Your steak was last seen falling at the fifty at Haydock.
Oh, no.
Isn't the French for horse cheval?
No, no. It's definitely chevreuil.
Right, then, booze cruisers. Time's awasting.
Let's go and cruise some booze, shall we?
He was joking, wasn't he? (NEIGHS)
What do you think? Some sort of religious thing?
It could be. Maybe he's sweeping for bugs.
No, he's trying to get a signal.
Sometimes, if the signal's weak, you can...
What?
Oh.
Oi, Mr Clever Dick, chevreuil isn't horse meat, it's venison.
I said chev-
Oh, I'm sorry, Maurice. I was just trying to give you a bit more room.
Ridiculous. You can see England from here.
Do you want to try mine? No. No thank you.
Maybe later.
I'm sorry, Rob, would you mind? I don't do well travelling in the back.
Well, perhaps you'll do better with a bit of practise, eh?
Maurice, would you mind awfully? Thanks. Thank you.
I'm all right. It's OK.
I thought he was just trying it on. How was I to know?
Are you all right, there, Clivey?
Yeah, all right.
Ohhh. Ohhh.
God almighty.
Where did all that lot come from? It's Maurice's.
I didn't think it was yours.
Whoa! Do you know how to use that thing?
Of course. Now, you go next door
and guide me from your side. I'll get this thing started up.
You'll be careful, won't you?
Have faith.
Lunch and a disco.
Oh, and I'd love you to capture the overall sweep of the garden,
taking in the flower displays and the fireworks later in the evening.
MOBILE RINGS Excuse me.
Hello?
RINGS Hello!
RINGING CONTINUES
Hello?
Ruth, is Clive there? Is that you, Adrian?
Yes. No, he's in France for the day.
He left me a message to call him on his mobile.
Oh, do you know what he's done?
He's picked up my mobile by mistake. Can I take a message?
Yes, could he call me as soon as possible?
It's important. Yes, all right.
Everything all right, Adrian?
Yeah. Yes, it's fine.
Bye. Right, bye.
Right.
MOTOR WON'T START
I nearly got it that time.
I'm really not happy about this.
Oh, don't be daft.
CHAINSAW WHIRRS
Grace!
It's all right. I'm fine.
I'll try it again without the run up.
CHAINSAW WHIRRS
Of course, what very few people know is that Napoleon lost Waterloo
because he was laid up with haemorrhoids.
That's an historical fact, that is.
If anyone knows about pains in the arse, it's you, Maurice.
Look!
Over there. The gunning placement.
What?
Yeah. Go round. Go round.
Now, this turning. Which one?
You missed it.
Go round again.
All right. Ooh, can we not do this?
I still don't feel all that clever. Sorry, Clive.
Will you give me clear instructions then I'll know where to go?
Please, just turn off quickly.
Is this the right one?
Hallelujah!
That's more like it.
What is it?
Well, obviously, it's the Musee De Mur De L'Atlantique.
Well, obviously. A war museum.
I'm not doing the cemetery as well. It's one thing or the other.
I think old slaphead's decided for you.
Mess around with our bloody schedule. What's the point?
Come on.
Yes, but do I really need to see a show reel of video effects?
Well, I think it would be useful. There's a lot we can do -
interesting mixes, or soft focus, to smooth out the wrinkles.
Sorry? Oh, no, I didn't mean -
A lot of older people like it.
Do they? I didn't mean you, obviously.
You're not older. I mean, you are older,
but you're not OLDER.
Look, the tape's up at the shop. I won't be long. I'll see you later.
Bye.
Hmm.
Bye, Dominic.
Mummy?
Excuse me.
Just what do you think you're doing? My job, madam.
Oh, I see. Car theft's a job now is it? Chloe, call the police.
Delton Vehicle Leasing.
We've come for the car. Your husband's in arrears.
Arrears? What do you mean...arrears?
He's failed to maintain the leasing arrangements on the car,
so, we're repossessing it. Repossessing?!
All right, mate. Surely there's been a mistake?
No. There's no mistake, madam.
Sorry.
Hell of a piece of work, this, eh, Clivey?
Japanese crap.
I think you'll find it's German.
What? Krupps.
You've got to hand it to the Krauts. Look at that engineering.
It's 35 metres long, this.
Yes. Made in 1941.
Yes, I know.
Do you know, they used to fire this across the Channel?
I know. I read the blurb the same time as you did.
Oh. Ah, but what you probably don't know
is this is the same type of gun they used at Navarone.
What?
Navarone, Greek island. Navarone doesn't exist.
Not since the British Commandos blew it apart it doesn't.
No, it never existed. Ever.
It's a work of fiction turned into a film.
What, like the Great Escape?
Well, no, that was based on fact.
Nah...bollocks.
It was.
Achtung! Achtung!
Show me your papers, you English swine.
You bloody idiot. For you, Tommy, the war is over.
That's right. Go on, laugh, why don't you?
It's all a big joke to you.
It's not a laughing matter.
People died in the war for you. I bet you were one of them.
You won't believe what you can buy. Uniforms, daggers, gas masks,
helmets, pistols, grenades. Don't be ridiculous.
I'm telling you, they're all for sale. Look!
I can't believe it.
Look at it all. And look at that.
What's this, Maurice?
That's a mine detector.
They used to use it in the war for...detecting mines.
See? Like that.
Oh, crikey.
Look at that, eh.
I'm getting the hang of it now. What do you think?
Yeah. It's unusual.
Look what I've found.
I'll slap some of this on the shed, shall I?
Terrific. Then there'll be nothing for them to argue about.
I'll just go and get a paintbrush.
DOORBELL
That'll be the men come to do the trees.
I had this planned like a military operation and it's gone tits up.
He can't be much longer. I've got a mind to go without him.
You got my vote. How would he get home?
We could load him into that cannon and fire him across the Channel.
Oh, here he is.
What's he got?
It's probably a mine detector.
What's he want one for? Maybe he thinks
Rob's going to mine his driveway. I hadn't thought of that.
Where can I stick this?
Answers on a postcard.
God! Chloe Rainer.
I haven't seen you since Larkenwood School.
Yeah, yeah. Come in.
Well, you've been busy.
Oh, it's just a fraction.
Minor epic.
The best man stood up and announced he was in love with the bride.
She said she was in love with one of the ushers.
You're not serious? Oh, yeah, deadly.
The tape is longer than the marriage.
Oh, don't take that one.
No, it's 'orrible.
I mean it. It's a video nasty.
The bridesmaids are wearing purple and orange.
Talk about a study in bad taste.
(LAUGHS)
What?
My bridesmaids are wearing purple and orange.
Ahh.
Well, no, I'm sure they'll look...
er...great.
Sometimes it works, doesn't it?
It depends how you carry it off.
Oh, I see. OK. All right.
Nice one.
I can't get hold of those car people.
All I'm getting is an answer phone.
I'm going over to see Adrian. Shan't be long.
So...
Just us. You and me.
Oi! Daniel. Don't rush off.
I've got a job for you, matey-boy.
You remember that garage down the road?
I want you to take the car down and fill her up.
Me?
I let the tank run down, petrol's cheaper over here.
Right.
That should do it.
Now, a little word. See this car? This is my car.
It is a new car. See how she gleams and shimmers?
I want it to stay like that. Sure.
Yeah, good lad. Mind how you go.
Hey, I mean it. Mind how you go.
Adrian, we're only asking them to hold on for a couple of weeks.
Did you tell them? 'I told them.' 'They're adamant.'
Surely they're just bluffing. 'They're not.'
Why don't you see if you can set up a meeting
with George for first thing on Monday morning?
PIPS Hang on a second, Adrian.
I've only got... Hello?
COINS DROP, DIALLING TONE
Oh, bugger.
Hey.
All right, mate?
You not getting any? I'm working on it.
Cheeky.
Oi!
(MUTTERS)
You're responsible for this.
Supergluing your hand to your head?
I don't think so. I've just been to the toilet.
I hope you washed your hands. Never mind about my hands.
What about this?
THIS? No, you've lost me.
Film? Book? How many words?
I'm talking about this.
(GASPS, THEN GIGGLES)
I'm sure I don't know where that's come from.
Of course you wouldn't. Butter wouldn't melt, would it?
You're so bloody juvenile.
At least I haven't got tit written on my head.
(GIGGLES) And you can stop smirking.
Has he told you that he's a married man with two children?
No, no. Of course not.
So, you're married with kids?
Er...yeah.
Isn't that funny?
So am I.
Oh.
Oh!
Oh, no.
Non, mais, ca ne va pas. Vous etes completement malade ou quoi?
Sorry. Pardonnez-moi.
Excusez-moi. I didn't see you. Quoi? Tu ne m'as pas vue?
Mais t'es pas seulement con, t'es aveugle aussi.
Where does it hurt? Mais ou j'ai l'air d'avoir mal?
Aides-moi a m'enlever.
Hello. Daniel Webster.
Non, aides-moi.
Oh, sorry. Terribly sorry.
I'll drive you home.
It's the least I can do.
Non. Je dois aller a l'hopital.
L'hopi... l'hopital?
Oh, hospital.
Je comprends.
It's a good idea.
Erm... Precautionary... You could have an x-ray.
X-ray. (CLICKS)
Er...of votre ankle.
Sorry.
Oh, yeah.
Perfect. Perfect.
If you're launching the Woolwich ferry.
What have you got in mind for this do of yours?
I haven't really given it much thought.
So much choice here, isn't there?
Here we are.
What about this? Nice vintage Bollinger. It's lovely, this.
Only 27.5 Euros each. That's not quite what I'm after.
Oh, all right.
What about this? Something nearer to the middle of the table.
Canard-Duchene.
Non-vintage grande cuvee with a nice crisp finish. Only 21.5 a bottle.
Quite a saving, isn't it?
Yes, I suppose it is.
How many people have you got coming?
About 180.
So, one bottle each, that's 180 bottles.
They won't all drink - some will have a Bucks Fizz.
So, say 150 bottles at 21.5 Euros.
That's...£2,722.22.
£2,700?
It'd cost three grand in England.
Worth coming, wasn't it?
Yes, I suppose, it was. Let's get you loaded up.
Oh, here, I tell you what, you finish this.
I'll nose round your dessert wines.
Avez-vous tire et tue l'Inspector Fox?
'Les autres questions vous seront posees
quand vous aurez les resultats de la balistique pour le revolver.'
Daniel?
Oh. Hi. Are you all right?
You're lucky. It's not broken.
Oh, good.
Oh...you-you speak English.
Yes. Why not?
Why not? Yes.
Why not?
But, hold on, in the car, you couldn't speak a word of English.
You let me make a complete fool of myself.
Why not?
Why not? Yeah.
So, now you'll drive me home, yes? Home.
Oh, erm...er...yeah. Why not?
OK.
Is it far?
Not far.
Bloody hell.
Merci.
Desole. C'est refusee.
What? Er...
Try another one.
Merci.
C'est refusee aussi. Oh, bugger.
Here. Try this one.
I couldn't. It's all right, Clivey-boy.
Don't worry. Probably just some glitch in the system.
Are you sure? Don't give it a second thought.
I can't think how this happened.
Clive, it's all right. Thanks, Dave.
I see you went for the cheaper one, eh?
It doesn't have the grace of the Canard-Duchene,
but best choice all the same.
Are you going to have enough there?
96 bottles. Should be enough.
I'll see you outside.
Merci.
Hello. Off to Ramsgate for the summer, are we?
You know perfectly well why I'm wearing this.
One bottle of sherry and a bar of fruit and nut!
So? You can get that down Asda.
Do I tell you what to buy?
Well, then.
Is it much further? No. Not much.
I feel like I've been driving for hours.
It is in France, your place?
You're very tense, aren't you?
Well, yeah.
Don't worry. You'll get back in no time. So, go on.
You were telling me about your fiancee.
Well, there's not much else to tell, really.
She's great.
And you love her a lot?
Well, obviously. We've been together since I was ten.
And you're looking forward to the wedding?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, I've bought the suit now. Be a shame to waste it.
No. I'm...
Oh, yeah.
Where did all this lot come from?
You didn't think that was it?
Where's young Daniel got to? Yeah, good question.
Sugar? Yeah.
How many?
Oh...sugar. Just one, please.
(RAGGED BREATHING)
Hob Nob?
Thank you.
I love Hob Nobs. Me, too.
DOOR OPENS
Hello, Mummy. Do you want some tea?
What?
No. No, thank you.
Did you find Adrian?
Yes. Yes, I did.
What did he say? About what?
About the car.
Oh, nothing. It's nothing.
Did Daddy phone? No.
Damn.
Is everything all right?
Yes. Fine.
Nothing for you to worry about.
Just need to talk to your father
and I don't know how to contact him.
Why not call one of the people he's gone with?
One of them must have a mobile. Yes. Yes.
Good idea. Do you know who they are? No.
I think one of them lives in the house behind us.
OK.
Right. I'll go round there.
Ooh. I do hope my daughter's looking after you.
Yeah.
Right. Bye.
Do you want to see my wedding dress?
Don't worry, Dave. He won't be long.
Probably trying to work out the French for unleaded.
It just gets later and later.
What's the point in a timetable if you're not going to keep to it?
Where are you having this wedding of yours?
St Paul's Cathedral? No, we tried for St Paul's.
They're having a bring-and-buy sale, so we settled for Westminster Abbey.
Really?
No. Actually, we're having it at St Luke's,
then everyone's coming back to us for the reception.
We're having a marquee in the garden.
Lovely.
Very nice. What time do you want us?
Er...er... Ah-hah. 15-all.
Here you are.
There you go. Thanks, Rob.
Sorry. It was meant for him.
Yes? Oh, excuse me.
Do you live at the bottom of my garden?
Eh? Are you over my fence?
Are you collecting for something? No, no.
I live in Hazeldean. I'm trying to find the people
who are in France with my husband. Oh, you're Clive's wife.
I'm Cathy. Dave's wife.
How do you do?
I'm Ruth Rainer. So sorry to trouble you.
I'm trying to contact Clive. I wondered if your husband
had a mobile with him. He does. Come in.
Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
Through there. Oh, right.
All right, try this.
Who said...
"At my command, unleash hell"?
Come on.
It's too easy. Russell Crowe in Gladiator. I love that film.
I should have gone with you. Chloe hated it.
Mind you, she took me to see Gangs Of New York and I hated that.
I did, too. Really?
OK. Your go.
And no more French films.
I mean it, Juliette. You don't play fair.
How hard can it be? You pull into a petrol station,
shove the nozzle in the hole and you pay.
You don't need a BSc in Astro-Physics, do you?
Perhaps he just got lost.
Do you want me to call home? Check if he's got in touch.
Just lend me your phone. Be my guest, Clivey.
A cool head in a crisis.
Well, cooler than yours, that's for sure.
(CHUCKLES)
ENGAGED TONE
It's engaged.
Oh. We'll try again in a minute.
PHONE RINGS
What do you think?
Beautiful.
PHONE CONTINUES RINGING
I think your phone's ringing.
It's stopped now.
There's no answer.
Where the bloody hell's he got to?
Is this where you live?
Yes.
Oh, tres joli.
And you said that you didn't speak French.
I'll give you a hand getting out.
So...
..you live over the back, then.
Nice.
Big garden.
When we first moved in,
I thought we backed onto a park.
So...
I hear you've got a big wedding coming up.
How's it going, then? All right?
(WEEPS)
Not so good, then?
(SOBS) It's just... It's all so awful.
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like a cup of tea?
Weddings are always stressful.
It's not the wedding. It's Clive.
Why didn't he tell me?
Why did I have to find out like this?
You've no idea
how humiliated I feel.
What can you say?
Men.
They're all the same. Except for my Dave, of course,
and that's only cos he's not bright enough.
For what?
Well...to be unfaithful.
Unfaithful. Who's been unfaithful?
Your husband.
What? Who with?
Well, how should I know?
It was you who was telling me. No, I wasn't. I was talking
about his business collapsing. Oh, so he's not been unfaithful?
No. Oh, well, that's some good news.
Two men just turned up and took the car away.
Oh, dear.
Why didn't Clive tell me the business was in trouble?
Why didn't he talk to me about it?
Am I so unapproachable? Am I?
Well, I don't...
(SOBS) Oh, God.
It's just that I think... Why don't I go and put the kettle on?
(SOBS)
Tea or coffee?
(WEEPS)
I'm sorry.
Don't apologise, love.
I'm sure it's nothing that can't be sorted out.
We'll have a nice cuppa
and a choccy biccie and see if we can't put the world to rights.
Now, how does that sound, eh?
Mrs Rainer?
Ruth?
I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating biscuits.
No.
Nice six-pack.
I haven't got past his lunch box yet.
Grace, you're a married woman.
Yes, but to Maurice. All right. I'll let you off.
Do you want any logs for your fire? No thanks.
Or we've some bits of garden shed if you prefer.
(GIGGLES)
Oh, Bonfire Of The Vanities.
I've got that.
And the John Grisham.
You've got a lot of English books, really.
Mind you, I've got quite a few French books.
Babar The Elephant, Asterix the Gaul.
Some more coffee?
No, thanks. I'd better go.
That's a shame.
Can I use your phone? I need to tell my friends what's happened.
Of course.
Mrs Rainer.
Ruth. Hello?
You forgot my husband's phone number.
Oh, yes. I'm so sorry.
MOBILE RINGS You'd better come in.
Hello? DANIEL: 'Hello?'
Yes, who's that?
I'm sorry, is Mr Rainer there? 'Daniel?'
Yes? Mrs Rainer?
Where's my husband, Daniel?
I thought he was on the end of that phone.
'He took my phone by mistake. Where is he?'
'I need to talk to him urgently.'
He's with the others at the hypermarket.
I've become sort of detached.
'What does that mean?'
I've lost them...or they've lost me
depending on your viewpoint.
If Mr Rainer phones, tell him I'll get back to the hypermarket in...
30 minutes. In about three quarters of an hour.
Give us time for another coffee.
Yes, but if you talk to him first, tell him to phone me, will you?
'It's very important.' Right. OK.
I'll just get Chloe for you. I don't really need to speak to -
Won't be a minute. Mrs...
Chloe?
Daniel's on the phone.
Chloe?
Mrs Rainer?
Daniel, I'm afraid she's a little busy now.
DOOR SLAMS
I'll put the kettle on.
If we're not on ferry in an hour-and-a-half
we're going to pay a supplement. My schedule -
Will you stop going on about your bloody schedule?
So we end up paying an extra £15. Big deal.
Well, we can't sit around here all day, can we?
Shouldn't we go and look for him? I'll take Provence,
you take the Dordogne, Maurice can snoop round the Loire valley,
Dave can take the Riviera. We'll find him in no time.
Oi! A little bit of respect wouldn't go amiss here.
I think it's a very good idea. "I think it's a very good idea."
Why don't you climb right up his arse and give us all a break?
I think we can do without that sort of talk, don't you?
Do you now? Not the sort of chatter you're used to hearing
down the polo club, what? Well, tough luck, mate.
It's how we talk on these trips.
Give it a rest, Rob. I've had it with these two.
They've ruined this trip for me.
I don't know what I've done to warrant this reaction.
I've said nothing offensive to anyone, including you.
I've done nothing offensive apart from sit in your seat.
And I thought I made my reasons for that quite clear.
As far as I can make out, all you've done since you got in the car
is moan and bellyache about the changes to your routine.
Has it occurred to you that doing something differently
might be more interesting than replicating what's gone before?
I don't know where you got that chip on your shoulder,
but it certainly wasn't from me.
And I'm sorry if you don't like the way I sound,
but talking properly is not a crime.
Well...that's cleared the air.
Shall we start this search, then?
Look, don't worry. These things happen.
You read about people going bankrupt all the time.
You hear about brides having a fling before the wedding.
Admittedly, they don't usually happen to the same family...
on the same day.
Well...what can you do?
£2,000...
that wedding dress cost.
2,000...
I think our whole wedding cost less than that.
Including the honeymoon.
How could she?
I suppose you'll have to find a new photographer for the wedding.
Wedding?
What wedding?
How can there be a wedding after that?
No. No, I suppose not, no.
Thanks again for the coffee. I'd better get going.
Face the music, as it were.
Sorry about your foot. It will get better.
Right.
Bye.
Erm... Yes?
I was thinking...
If I was to come back over...
like quite soon...
could I maybe come and see you?
That would be nice.
You could drive over my other foot.
Great.
Bye.
Except...
Yes?
Aren't you getting married?
Oh, yeah.
Well, better go.
Yes, I'd better go.
It's been very nice meeting you, Daniel.
Yes, me too. I mean...
me to you, Juliette.
Au revoir.
Yeah.
Bye.
STARTS CAR
There you go. Thanks.
There's no keeping you away. You're magnetic, aren't you?
Behave.
What's your problem?
This is Gazzer...my husband.
Well, how bad is it? 'I don't know.'
I get the feeling his business has collapsed. They took away his car.
They bounced his credit card in the supermarket.
At least he couldn't buy the champagne.
He has cos I erm... 'What?'
Er... Oh, nothing, babe. It's all right.
Listen, don't say anything to him. Leave that to his wife.
'Don't tell him about his daughter.' What about her?
Oh, yeah, sorry.
Clive's wife caught her having a bit of rumpy-pumpy
with the wedding photographer.
No way!
'He's not having the best of days, is he?'
You're not to say anything. 'No, I won't.'
No, I mean it, Dave. It's none of our business.
'All right! Can I at least tell Rob?'
Why don't you broadcast it over the internet and have done with it?
Oh, and one other thing.
Oh, God, there's more. 'Daniel's phoned'
Has he? Well, Hoo-bloody-ray! Where is he?
He spoke to Mrs Rainer. He's on his way back to the supermarket.
'He'll be there soon.'
That's something, I suppose. I'll see you later.
Yeah. 'Bye-bye.'
Bye-bye.
Dave, help me!
But I'm innocent.
A witness said that you committed an assault.
Me? Do I look as though I've committed an assault?
I'm the assaultee here.
Please understand. We won't tolerate any disturbances in our streets.
Well, yeah, yeah. Fair play, I accept that.
Very well.
You are free to go.
Eh?
You can go.
Have a nice day.
Oh, thanks.
What's he doing here? Oh, peachy.
My two most favourite people in the world. What happened to you?
It wasn't my fault. I was beaten up.
Oh, were you, indeed?
Now, why am I not surprised?
I'll have your number. Maurice, I don't think Rob meant -
You won't get away with it. I've seen you on TV with water cannons.
Don't think I don't know what this is all about.
It's Trafalgar.
Trafalgar?
Waterloo, Crecy, Agincourt, take your pick.
Those British archers waving their fingers.
You don't like it, do you, froggy?
You tosser.
CAR HORN
Where are the others?
Where do you think? Looking for you, you daft get!
Where the bloody hell have you been? Sorry. I bumped into a French girl.
Excuse me? You leave us sitting here for hours on end
while you've been sloping for a bit of ooh-la-la.
Lovely. It wasn't like that.
I knocked her off her bike.
What? Is my car all right?
I had to take her to hospital. Hospital. What do you mean?
She's fine.
In fact, she was very nice.
So, what did you say to him?
Not much. Just came to an arrangement.
You see? Negotiating skills. It marks the leader.
I gave him a small bribe. Nice one.
A bribe? Yes.
I'm sorry, but I can't believe what I'm hearing.
I'm bitterly disappointed in you, Clive.
Somehow, Maurice, I'll learn to live with that.
Perhaps you'd rather be in jail.
We wouldn't have been in there in the first place
if it wasn't for that stupid gob of yours.
Nevertheless - BOTH: Oh, shut up, Maurice.
Sounds like you're struck on this French girl.
What are you going to do about it?
Nothing. I'm marrying Chloe in a couple of weeks.
Well, nothing in life's certain, you know, Daniel.
It's all sorted. Clive's even offered me a job in his company.
Yeah, well erm...
Well, like I said, nothing in life's certain.
You know, Danny boy...
you don't have to do what other people expect you to. Look at me.
You're your own man.
All right?
Yeah.
Oh, look, it's the good, the bad and the ugly.
What happened to you? Don't ask.
He's decided to come back, has he? Where on earth have you been?
I got sidetracked. What's that supposed to mean?
There's plenty of time for questions later. We've got a ferry waiting.
Erm, excuse me.
How are we going to get him back into England now the trailer's full?
Er...
See? Once the tarp's on, you'll never know.
Will you be all right, Daniel? It's not too bad, actually.
Oh, good, good. Do you want to have a pee now?
I don't think we'll be able to let you out before Dover.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Mummy?
I don't want to talk now, Chloe.
Please, go away. Please, Mummy.
How could you?
I'm sorry.
That makes it all right, does it?
No, of course not, but -
Seven months planning...
organisation.
You go and throw it all away.
For what?
A tawdry quickie...
with a complete stranger. He wasn't a stranger.
I thought I knew you.
I'm starting to wonder.
God alone knows what your father will say. What a mess.
So...
Any suggestions?
Don't shrug, Chloe. You're not a little girl any more.
I don't know what to do.
Well, do you still want to marry Daniel?
Hm... I don't know.
Well, that rather answers that, doesn't it?
What about this other chap? Dominic, is it?
He's very nice. I like him a lot.
I gathered that much.
Well, I've got some phone calls to make.
I'm sorry, Mummy.
Oh, do stop saying that. What are we going to tell Daddy?
WE aren't going to be telling Daddy anything.
That's your job, young lady.
And I think you'd better spend a little time working out
how you're going to break the news to poor Daniel as well.
Well, I think this looks very suspicious.
A trailer on the back and yet we've got a ton of stuff inside.
I think it's inviting trouble. ALL: Shut up, Maurice!
Yeah - Eh, eh.
Quite a day, all in all.
Never dull.
Eh, sorry about Morris. It's all right.
He's been good entertainment in his own obnoxious little way.
Where is he?
He's asleep in an armchair.
A group of kids taking photographs of his head.
Wicked bugger, you are.
I know. Eh.
I'm sorry about Clive as well.
He's all right, as it happens. He's a bit of a pompous prat.
He can't help what he is.
Where has he got to anyway?
The club lounge. Natural habitat
for a bloke like that. Not for much longer.
Eh?
Cath phoned. His business has gone tits up.
You're going to love this.
His wife caught the daughter shagging the wedding photographer.
Bloody hell.
I thought our day had been eventful.
He's kept that quiet, hasn't he? Well, he doesn't know.
You're not to say anything. I promised Cath I wouldn't tell you.
Poor old Clive. Yeah.
What the bloody hell is that?
It's terrific isn't it? It's a Mark II Bren gun.
Only 150 quid.
Great piece of engineering.
What do you want a machine gun for? It's interesting, isn't it?
To who? Other lunatics like him.
I'm changing my opinion of you, Clive.
Really? My opinion of you remains exactly the same.
Just put that thing away, will you?
THROATY GROWL
I told you all the booze in the car looks suspicious.
You wouldn't listen, would you?
Shut up! This is all your fault, you tosser.
I only bought a bottle of Harvey's Bristol Cream.
Waving a Bren gun around might have had something to do with it.
Step out of the car if you would, please, gentlemen.
Sir, the officer will take that.
Just step right back from the vehicle, please, gentlemen.
Passports, please.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
Are you the owner of this vehicle, sir?
Well, er... yes and no.
Technically, that's my firm.
QBR Shower Fittings (UK) Limited.
Right, and who is the owner of this?
Captain Chaos over there.
It's not real. I bought it in a museum. I've got the receipt.
Yes, thank you, sir. You'll have plenty of opportunity to explain.
Well, while we're waiting for our firearms expert,
let's take a look around the vehicle, shall we?
And what's in here, sir?
Champagne and drinks for his daughter's wedding
and some crates of ours. But we're within the limit. No need to look.
I would like it noted nothing in there belongs to me.
Really? No rocket launchers? Anti-tank missiles?
Uzis? Kalashnikovs?
Well, now you're just being stupid.
I can explain. He forgot his passport and...
Who would that be, then, sir?
No, nothing.
Just ah...
Where is he? I don't know.
I do.
All right, here's one for you.
In what film did the hero say "I'll be back"?
Look at the time. I told Cath we'd be home by now.
It just flies by when you're having fun, doesn't it?
They had no right keeping that gun. No right at all.
We were spared the indignity of the snap of rubber gloves
and the squidge of surgical lubricant.
The James Herriot number. I wouldn't fancy that again.
Long story.
And another thing, why did they have to keep us apart like that?
Standard procedure, to check our stories.
To make sure we all said the same thing.
And we did, Maurice, we all said you were a tosser.
I'm sick of this. You've sniped at me since first thing this morning.
Know why? You've been a tosser since first thing this morning.
Lads, let's not spoil a lovely day, eh?
What?
I don't know how I explain to my daughter that we lost Daniel.
Don't worry, Clive. She might have some news for you. You never know.
What's that supposed to mean? Nothing. Ignore him.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
Hello?
Where are you? 'Oh, hello, love.'
Yeah, we got held up. Unforeseen difficulties.
What's that supposed to mean?
Tell you later. We're just going through Ashford.
We'll be home in no time.
You haven't said anything to Clive? No, er...
No, nothing. I told you I wouldn't.
Did you find Daniel?
We found him. We lost him again.
'I'll explain it all when I get home. See you later, babe.'
All right, love. Drive carefully.
Aye. Bye-bye.
Welcome to England.
Oh, bloody hell! What?
Bloody hell! Bloody hell! Unhitch the trailer, Rob.
You unhitch it. Oh, God.
Ohhh!
Shall I call the fire brigade?
Yeah, yeah, call the fire brigade.
It's 999. I know!
GLASS BREAKING, CORKS POPPING
Oh, bloody hell!
That's two grand's worth of Champagne exploding.
What will I do about this wedding?
Don't worry, there isn't going to be one.
We don't know that for sure, do we, Rob?
We do. The groom's done a runner,
the bride's shagged the wedding photographer,
how can they get married after that?
What?
What's that about the bride... Take no notice, he's just rambling.
They are on their way. Don't need them,
the Champagne's putting the fire out.
Definitely dying down.
EXPLOSION
All right, who bought the brandy?
Sorry, Clive. I wasn't supposed to say anything.
Poor Ruth must be going out of her mind.
She wasn't supposed to find out like this.
Why didn't you tell her?
I thought I could put it right. It's been coming for months.
Look, Clive, I know you're at rock bottom at the moment.
No more business, no wedding, most of your Champagne's on the A20.
But I really believe things have a way of working out for the best.
It's a cliche, but tomorrow's another day.
You have GOT to stop watching Richard and Judy.
I'm trying to be sympathetic here.
And you were and it's much appreciated.
Oh, well, obviously the wedding was never meant to be.
Shame, really, I liked Daniel. Yeah, I did.
Very er...personable. Yes.
Very uh... ENGINE SPLUTTERING
Forgot to put any petrol in!
What's happening?
Come on, lads, nearly there.
# If I were a rich man
ALL: # Vooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby dooby doo
# All day long I'd yiddy biddy bom
# If I were a wealth - #
Sorry, Clive. Sorry, Clive.
There you are, Robbie.
Woo! Well, it's been eventful.
It certainly has.
Don't know about you lot, but I love adventures, me.
We could do it again in a couple of weeks, if you fancy.
I don't think so. No.
You won't catch me going back.
OK, undecided. Take a couple of days.
I'll be off, then. See ya. See ya, Maurice.
Good night, Maurice. Cheerio.
Bye, Maurice. Mind how you go.
That's the first civil word you two have exchanged all day.
Yeah, well, I'm tired.
See ya.
Hey, what are you doing with my Champagne?
Well, I thought - Listen, I'll take it.
No, Dave, I - Don't worry about it.
Let me pay you - I wouldn't hear of it, Clivey.
Thanks, Dave.
So, what happens now?
In what respect? Well, the business and that.
Who knows?
Have to see what the bank has to say on Monday morning.
If we can buy some more time, then...
But if not...
Oh, God, it's horrible, you know.
Watching a business that you've built up from scratch
just fall to pieces in front of your eyes.
Hey, it hasn't happened yet.
And said yourself, if it does,
you built it up from scratch, you can always do it again.
I love your optimism, Dave.
There's no point in moping. Gets you nowhere.
True, and, ironically,
I don't have to pay for an expensive wedding any more.
Well, it all helps.
Poor Ruth. All that work for nothing.
She'll get over it.
I don't know how I'm going to explain how everything went so wrong.
God knows what she thinks of me now.
Well, there's only one way to find out.
Here.
Take these. They might help soften the landing.
Thank you, matey-boy.
What will you tell your friend about his trailer?
Ah, nothing.
He'll never notice.
Night, Dave. N'night, Clive.
Grace!
Grace -
Hello, dear, did you have a nice day?
Where have all those logs come from?
You're drunk.
What's that on your head?
Now, don't you start.
Leonie!
Where's my shed?
Champagne.
You silly man.
Why didn't you tell me about the business?
Admit to being a failure?
You'll never be a failure.
Hello, princess.
I hear you've had a bit of a day of it, too.
Let's have this now, shall we?
It might still be a little bit warm.
All done? Yep.
Made a nice cup of tea.
Ohhh, thanks, babe.
So, how was it?
Do you know, in a strange kind of way, it were brilliant.
Oh, good.
Did you remember my Cinzano?
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