I'll see you there.
Hang on.
Weather forecast's good. It should be a cracking weekend.
By all accounts it's a lovely hotel.
You and me in a king sized bed, eh? Hey, behave yourself.
No chance! Oh!
Come here, you. Whoo-hoo-hoo!
'In his position I think I'd start getting a bit paranoid.'
'Oi, Syd!'
(DRILLING)
'You're a damned attractive fella.'
'You know we've all been there.'
(DRILLING)
Will you pack it in, you senile old git?
Kofi Annan's just phoned (!)
He's offering you a job as a peace negotiator (!)
Have you heard that racket from next door?
I can't hear anything over the noise you're making.
I'll turn that drill on you in a minute.
Don't get wound up. Just rise above it. Be more neighbourly.
(DRILLING STOPS)
Ah, there. You see?
What's this? What?
You can't have these, you're on a diet.
No, no, no. I WAS on a diet. I finished that yesterday.
Don't be ridiculous. You've only been on it three days.
And how'd you sneak this by me?
You said if I lost half a stone,
I could have steak and kidney pie, chips and peas as a reward.
But you haven't lost half a stone. You've barely lost half a pound.
You've been twiddling the wheel on the scales.
That is not true. Yes, it is.
Here you are, love.
Present for you.
Oh, thanks very much.
Is he gonna be doing this much longer? I'm getting a headache.
I know, Mum, you said.
Why does he want security lighting? He's got nothing worth pinching.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
Daniel? Dave.
Matey-boy!
How are you doing? All right.
Daniel came on that booze cruise. I thought you were living in France.
I am. I'm just over for a few days to visit my parents.
I thought I'd surprise them. Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, it would have been if they'd been home.
They've gone off to North Wales for a long weekend.
That's why I'm here, there's nothing in the house. Oh, I see.
Are you still with that French lass?
Juliet? Yeah. It's great. Perfect really.
Though it's tough finding a job over there. They all speak French.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
So are you at a loose end this weekend, then?
Well, yeah.
Not any more, matey-boy. You're coming with us.
What? Yeah, we're going on a car treasure hunt.
It's gonna be magic. The old booze cruise team back together again.
Well, apart from Clive, he's gone down the West Country.
Yeah, I heard. Have you seen anything of Chloe?
No, I hadn't planned to. It's a bit of a tricky situation, isn't it?
Ah, you mean with her being...
..the way she is.
Sorry?
Well, with her having...you know?
No. What?
Nothing.
What's going on? Nothing.
Yeah, just ignore her. She's rambling.
Anyway, treasure hunt. My place eight o'clock in the morning. OK?
Right. Yeah. See you then. See you later.
Big mouth. Sorry. Thought he knew.
(DRILLING)
Oh, every day it's something else.
'I thought if she could stick around I'd be able to watch TJ grow up.'
How'd you like that, you selfish slaphead?!
Bob, will you keep it down? The twins are asleep!
How?!
(BUZZER)
Oh. Sally.
Hi. Daniel. How are you?
Fine, thanks.
Is Chloe in?
Yes. Come in.
Chloe, you have a visitor. Look who's here.
Hi. Daniel!
How are you?
Yeah. Good.
So, how are things with you?
Oh, my God.
What? I mean...oh, my God.
I mean, look at you. You're...
..you're...
Pregnant is the word I think you're searching for, Daniel.
Yeah. Pregnant.
There. All done.
About bloody time too.
Not in the house, Maurice.
Bloody marvellous.
When's it due? About three weeks.
Why didn't you tell me? Why would I?
Well, I'm the father.
I mean, I am the father, aren't I?
Oh, bloody hell, there's been someone else.
Look, Daniel, can we please not go into all that?
He was just a guy I was at school with, that's all.
Oh, lovely (!) So he's the father then, is he?
No, I'm not saying that. Well, whose is it, then?
It's mine, Daniel. Mine.
Well, yes, obviously it's yours.
But...it might be mine too.
Yes, it might.
But that's for me to know, isn't it?
Look, the last thing I want right now is a man in my life.
(CLASSICAL MUSIC)
Oh, no.
Lights are on again.
I know they're on again.
They're off now.
I can see that.
They're on again.
I know, you stupid old - Maurice.
It'll be a fox or something.
What, making them go on and off like that? No.
They're off again.
There must be a fault somewhere. I'll go and check the wiring.
They're on again.
I said they're on again! Ah, shut up!
Where have you been?
Erm...out.
Doing what? Nothing.
You've been next door, haven't you?
Possibly.
Oh, what have you done? Oh, nothing, nothing.
(TEXT ALERT)
Ah. Erm...gotta go.
Where are you going now? Work.
I've had a call out.
Catch you later, babe.
Bye.
Ah.
I said you should get a man in to do the job properly.
Instead of standing there having a dig,
why don't you do something useful?
Like sticking your fingers in the light socket?
Eh?
Argh!
He's done it again. Bloody vandal.
Hello, Maurice. Where is he?
Sorry? That delinquent husband of yours, where is he?
He's out, he's working. What, at this time of night?
Computers don't just break down in daytime.
If he gets a call, he has to go. He's not off enjoying himself.
(SQUEAKING)
What the bloody hell's that?
I've got to put in for a bigger car.
What?
That's the best I can look forward to, is it, a bigger car?
Is that where our relationship's heading?
Erm, no. No, of course not.
I want us to go away together, Rob.
A nice hotel with a spa and a sauna. And a bed.
And we will, Jacks, I promise.
Yeah? Yeah, yeah, I've got it all planned.
Oh. When?
Er...soon. Oh, good.
Oh, my God. What is it?
There's blokes out there with machine guns.
That's your husband and his vigilante mates.
Don't be stupid. MEGAPHONE: This is the police.
Thank God for that. Get out of the car slowly, we are armed police.
Keep your hands raised.
(SHOUTING)
Woman from the back seat. Keep your hands in the air. Walk towards me!
This is a bit excessive, isn't it? Look at me.
Walk towards me.
Whoa! Steady. Look, what is all this about?
We just had a fumble in the car. Yes, sir.
But you've chosen a sensitive area for your fumble.
Chevening. Chevening?
Yes, sir. The Home Secretary's driveway.
Ah.
Where next, Downing Street? Shut up. I wish I hadn't told you.
You don't half push your luck, mate. Why do you do it?
It's a bit of fun. Nobody gets hurt. What if Leonie finds out?
I'll just have to make sure she doesn't, won't I?
Is that Daniel?
Yeah, I bumped into him yesterday. He's coming with us. Great.
Wotcha, Danny-boy. Or should I say bonjour?
Oh, right, yeah. Hiya, Rob. Still with your French bird?
Juliet, yeah. It's going really well.
Morning, matey-boy. Morning, Dave.
You made it then, eh? Good lad.
BOTH: Oooh, ha-ha-ha!
Ooh, what time is it?
We've got to get a move on. I'll go and gee the girls up.
(ENGINE BACKFIRES)
Morning, Maurice.
Morning, morning. Hello, Daniel.
Oh, I didn't expect to see you.
Yeah, he's coming with us aren't you, Danny-boy? Eh? Eh? Eh?
Yep.
Wow. Where did you get this from, Maurice?
Yeah, it's a little gem, isn't it?
I borrowed it off a mate from my bowls club.
Well, why waste money on an overpriced hotel
when you can have all the comforts of home in the back there?
Well, better get off, pick up the girls.
See you at the marshalling point. You bet.
Oi! I want a word with you. You've ruined my lawn, you have.
Look, it's Mr Whippy. I'll have a 99 and a choc ice, please.
He wrote TIT on my lawn with weedkiller.
It's not funny. It's going to take ages to grow out. Bloody vandal.
I don't know what you're talking about.
No, you never do, do you? One of these days I swear, I'm gonna...
I will, I tell you. Yeah, whatever.
(GEARS CRUNCH)
Pick any one you like, mate, they're all in the same box (!)
Oh, shut up, you bloomin' lunatic!
(ENGINE BACKFIRES)
Bloody hell. What?
He's come. Who has? Marcus.
Oh, Marcus.
I met him at a Chamber of Commerce do.
He's the boss of this big development company.
They order more shower fittings than you've had hot dinners. From you?
I wish. I've been playing him ever since. This could be big, very big.
Erm, will you do me a favour this weekend, Rob?
Could you not be quite so...well...Rob?
What's that supposed to mean?
I've just got to keep in with him, that's all.
Don't jinx it for me, will you?
Good morning, David.
Marcus. Lovely to see you. Please.
Thank you so much. This way.
I'm not travelling in that.
Why not?
You said you were going to hire a car, where did you get that from?
I borrowed it. From Steptoe and Son?
Listen, Maurice Stringer, we cannot turn up at a smart hotel in that.
Well, we won't be, will we?
What do you mean, we won't be?
Why spend money on flash cars and a sprauncy hotel
when you've got a flash car and a hotel all in one?
You're not suggesting we sleep in that thing?
Wait 'til you see inside, It's a little palace.
It's got a toilet, shower, telly. A little gas stove.
I am not cooking on my weekend away.
Yeah, all right, all right.
We'll find a Wimpy or something. Wimpy?!
Get moving or we'll be late. You haven't heard the last of this.
Ah, Marcus, this is Leonie. Hello.
Delighted to meet you, Leonie. This is my wife Cath.
How do you do? Yes, indeed.
This is Rob, Leonie's husband.
All right? How do you do?
I was concerned I'd be under-dressed but clearly I needn't have worried.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Who's the creep? A big banana in a building company.
With any luck he'll give Dave some business.
Daniel is back from France for a couple of days.
Ah, bonjour.
Nous avons une compagnie francaise a Poitiers.
Avez-vous travaille la-bas pour longtemps?
Sorry, mate, I didn't quite catch your name.
Marcus Forster.
Are you saying Forster or are you saying Foster with a poncey accent?
It's Foster.
I'm no wiser.
Shall we, er, get going?
Absolutely. Wagons roll.
Before we go any further, Marcus, I go in the front, all right?
I never travel in the front.
I thought you preferred the back of cars. Will you shut up?
Well, this door is not going to open by itself, is it?
Sorry, Marcus. Actually you're wrong. Have a look at this.
Very good.
Well done, mate (!)
You've pulled a rabbit out of the hat with him. What a winner (!)
He'll be all right. Trust me. Yeah, right.
Petts Wood Pioneers?
First time? You're going to have a lot of fun.
Pack, Dot. Pack!
Right. Here we are.
Hi. Chloe? It's Daniel again.
Look, can you give me a call when you get this message? Thanks. Bye.
It's a bit of all right, Marcus. We're going to have a great time.
One hopes, one hopes.
I wouldn't think this was your thing at all, really.
It isn't. The ladies from my wife's book club are taking over the house
and it was made clear I was surplus to requirements.
When I mentioned your little shindig, my wife insisted I come along.
You don't think I'd be here voluntarily, do you?
So your missus has kicked you out?
Let's say I merely opted for the lesser of the two evils.
You won't regret it, Marcus. We have a lot of fun don't we, Rob?
Fun doesn't begin to describe it. There you are. See?
Where'd we finish last year? Last I think, Rob.
And the year before that? Last again I think, Rob.
Yes, you're right again. Just ignore them, Marcus.
We'll do better this year with an educated man on board.
Wherever we finish, you'll enjoy yourself.
I suppose there's a sort of ghastly fascination
in watching the working class making idiots of themselves.
No-one's begging you to come. If you don't want to be here -
Yeah. Thanks, Rob. Joker.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
Oh, look.
It's the Hedgehoppers.
Oh, and the Bromley boys. They came third last year.
You have to have a name, it makes it more fun.
Does it? Tell them our name, Dave.
We're called The Booze Cruisers.
Why? Because we all went on a booze cruise last year.
It's all up here.
Fantastic, wasn't it, Rob?
Oh, look. It's Dick Dastardly and the Wacky Races.
You seem to be making a lot of calls. Is there a problem?
Oh, no, no, no. I've just got to call my girlfriend.
Ex-girlfriend, actually. I think I've made her pregnant.
So, you've all got your packs
containing maps, clues and answer sheets and the like.
Now, don't open them until I give you the word, all right?
Now, for those of you who've done it before, you know the drill.
Some answers need to be written down, some need objects to collect.
And some just need photographing.
Apropos of this, Dot is passing out Polaroid cameras and film.
Ooh, gonna be one of those weekends, is it? Behave.
Who's that then, Maurice, your pit crew?
Ah, shut up.
I still want to talk to you about my lawn.
Now, these cameras are to be used
to take photographs of certain landmarks en route
and have been kindly donated by Malcolm. Thank you, Malcolm.
Now, erm, you'll know which they are
because I've put a little camera symbol
next to the relevant map reference on your form, OK.
And thanks also to Dave, who's donated the first prize.
A case of champagne.
(APPLAUSE)
So, I look forward to seeing you all at about 1:30
at the Royal Oak in Laycock Green
where I shall be collecting your first set of answers
and issuing Pack Two.
So, good luck, everyone.
Oh, and remember this is not a race.
This is not a race.
Why do I bother?
Car, Dot.
Where are you going? I won't be a sec.
We're going to be last again. Oh, Marcus.
Please, let me.
There we go.
Thank you. You're welcome.
What's going on? Nothing.
Ohhh.
(TEXT ALERT)
Who's that?
Oh, it's er, it's work.
Ohhhh.
Come on, come on.
Right, let's get the pack open.
It might be useful to know where we're going.
What are you laughing at? Nothing.
We've eight dozen cans of lager, five dozen Breezers,
three bottles of whisky and three bottles of vodka.
Is that going to be enough? Enough for me.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
Hi, Chloe, it's me.
Look, I don't want to nag
but I still need to know if I'm the father of this baby.
Or if it's the other bloke.
Oh, for goodness' sake, Daniel. We've been through all this.
Yeah, I know. I just don't think you're being particularly fair.
I'm sorry you feel like that but I can't talk about it right now.
I'm having a party this evening and I've got a lot to do.
A party? But you're pregnant.
Hey, don't overdo it.
It's just a few of the girls coming over.
Oh, right, yeah. But still -
Sorry, Daniel, I can't talk about it right now. Got to go. See ya. Bye.
So, er, what's the first clue?
At Helda Bridge your star sign looks quite good today.
Look for the one after the ram. Well, that's straightforward enough.
Good.
And there's a camera symbol so we have to take a photo of something.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
What's he hooting for? Bloody idiot.
One after the ram? What does that mean?
I think it's obvious. Mind you I do the Times crossword every morning,
the cryptic one. May I?
Excuse me. I do crosswords too.
Yeah. But you do the ones with a picture of a hat
with an H crossed out and a C written in.
Let Marcus have the sheets, Rob, that way we stand a chance. No.
I am a regular on these things. Very well.
If you think you can do better.
OK. Let's see.
One after the ram.
One...after the ram.
You know I think we've got to look
for the next star sign after the ram.
Virgo, we're looking for a virgin.
Well, you may be looking for a virgin but we're looking for a bull.
The next star sign after the ram is Taurus the bull.
We're looking for a bull somewhere near Helda Bridge.
It's coming up in a mile or so, Maurice.
Well done, Gracie, we're off to a flying start.
What do you mean "we"? Grace has solved it, you've done nothing.
Nothing? I'm doing the driving.
I haven't driven since the war and I can do better than you.
Right. You want to drive, do you? Yeah, all right, then. Come on.
Oh, stop it. Maurice. Stop it, the pair of you.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
What's he hooting for? It's been like that all bloody morning.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
No, I'm not sure this is right, Rob. I can't see any of the others.
Would they really ask someone to climb into a field with a bull?
Of course they wouldn't.
You can't bear the idea of me getting it right, can you?
All right then, Robbie, there's the camera over you go.
Er, me?
Erm, no. Here you are, Marcus, you'll be needing that.
He's joking of course, Marcus.
I'll go. I'll come with you, darling.
You better be right about this, Rob. I am right.
There's Helda Bridge, there's Taurus the bull. What else could it be?
We need to be in front of the sign, Maurice. Yeah, all right.
Right. Give us a smile.
Can't you do better than that?
Oh!
Keep still! It hurts.
I know it does, darling.
But look at the bright side, at least we've got the picture.
Plus you must have lost a couple of pounds running about.
You're looking for a smack in the mouth. Oh!
It is a brilliant picture though, Dave.
Oh! Ohhhhh.
No man is this.
Intelligent. Adult.
Worth keeping!
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
Bugger off!
I'm getting fed up with this.
No man is this.
No man is this...
Excuse me. I think it would be a good idea if I took over, don't you?
No. Why?
Your first foray hasn't exactly covered you in glory, has it?
Come on, give him the pack, Rob. No.
Go on, Rob. No, why should I? Dave.
Just give it to him. Oh.
What a blinding trip this is turning out to be (!)
He's a good boy!
You can have some sweeties later on.
Ah, you know what we've forgotten? Serviettes.
We've got kitchen roll. Fair enough.
(PHONE RINGS) Guess who?
Hello, Daniel.
Oh, hi. It's me.
Just checking in. Everything all right?
Yes, yes, everything's fine.
Good. Good.
Right, well, I'll get off the phone, then. Speak to you later, yeah?
Yes I'm sure you will. Bye.
She's panicking.
Bless.
I think I calmed her down though.
Yes, you must be a great comfort to her (!)
Oh, here we go.
There we are.
No man is this. An island.
Well done, Marcus. Yeah, well done.
I'd have got it eventually. I would.
There's a flag on the island we've got to collect. Easy-peasy.
Right, off you go, Rob.
What do you mean, "Off you go, Rob?"!
Well, this flag is not going to collect itself, is it?
Why don't you go? Very good.
I told you he was a character didn't I, Marcus?
Go on, Rob, in you go. Roll your trousers up. Go on.
Do we know how deep this is?
Well, no more than ten or 12 feet.
How long can you hold your breath?
DANIEL: I think I can see the bottom.
Maybe there's a boat. Oh, get on with it.
Oh, God! It's bloody freezing!
Ooh, would you like me to run in a bit more hot?
(LAUGHING)
You found it then.
How'd you get out there?
I walked across.
What are you, Jesus, you're bone dry?!
There's a bridge on the other side.
What are you doing in the water?
There's a bridge on the other side.
You know I thought there might be.
We'll walk round and meet you, matey-boy.
Hey, Grace, come and look at this.
Oh, do me a favour!
Oh, smile, please!
How's your salad, Dave, all right?
I think it's admirable when morbidly obese people
make an effort to lose a few pounds.
Are you going to let him say that?
Under the circumstances I thought I might, yeah.
I think we should have another drink.
Good idea, Marcus. I'll have a St Clements.
Or maybe I'll just go and get them in again.
I'll get them, Dave. Thank you, I'll have a large gin and tonic.
I'll give you a hand. Same again?
Ladies.
Got your answers?
That's good.
Photos?
Excellent. Got your flag?
Good.
Here we are.
You all right, Mum? Yes, thanks.
Have you dried out yet?
How have you all been getting on?
Not too sure, Grace. Rob's been helping us with the clues.
Has he? Dear, dear, dear, dear, dear.
I assume you got the Bull pub? That was the easiest one, we thought.
Marcus did say... Yes. Yes, thank you.
Who's Marcus? I am.
Oh. I don't think we've been formally introduced.
Maurice Stringer. How do you do? Hello.
I'm a neighbour to these reprobates. Yes, of course you are.
Are you from Petts Wood too?
No. Farnborough Park, The Glen.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Very nice.
This is my wife Grace.
Hello. How do you do? Her mother Elsie.
Hello. Delighted.
Are you enjoying the treasure hunt, Marcus?
Oh...I'm beside myself.
The Stringers are doing really well. The Stringers?
It's our team name.
It's not a team name, that's your surname.
So? You should have a team name that refers to your team.
Oh, here we go. Like Tithead and co.
See what I have to put up with?
Anyway, as I was saying, we're doing really well.
Thanks to Grace here.
She's amazing at this sort of thing, amazing.
Here, do you know what I sometimes call her?
Amazing Grace.
Yeah.
Hello. Hello. ALL: Hello.
Everyone enjoying themselves? Yeah. Good.
Stringers and the Booze Cruisers, got your answers?
Good.
Photos?
Excellent.
Just the one?
Your flag.
Good.
And question five...
..cones. Well done.
Booze Cruisers?
Marcus did say -
Yes, yes, I know Marcus did say. Can we just drop it now, please?
(TEXT ALERT)
Right. Anything else? No, that's all thanks, love.
You're all right, Danny-boy. You take them, I'll sort this out.
Cheers.
Can I have a slice of that pie please, love? Certainly, sir.
Salad or chips? Sh! What do you think?
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
All right? Everyone happy? ALL: Yes.
Good. Ready for stage two? ALL: Yes.
Good. Packs, Dot.
Now, five clues to be done this afternoon
and then we're off to the Linton Springs Hotel
where we're all staying tonight.
Not quite all.
By the way, question three.
What is the garden gnome in the front of Honeydew Cottage doing?
Well, of course, the answer was supposed to have been fishing.
However, some bright spark stole his rod.
But we're accepting both answers, all right?
Are you all right, Mum?
Do you need the loo before we go?
Yes, I think I'd better. I'm feeling a bit poorly.
Are you? Mm.
No rush.
Oh, stop it.
All right! Let's roll. Where's Rob?
He's outside making a call.
Oh, well, let's go.
Hang on a minute, love, you've cut yourself.
How have you done that?
That's ketchup. No, no. Can't be.
Come on we've got to go. David, what have you been eating?
As soon as I know I will give you a call and maybe we can get together.
I tell you what... try rebooting your hard drive. Yeah.
Yeah, that ought to do it.
And any more problems just give me a bell.
OK. Bye.
All right? Yeah, yeah.
You think I could get away from work for one weekend, wouldn't you?
Wouldn't you? I had no idea you were so indispensable.
What have you been doing? Nothing.
You're lying. I'm not. Cross my heart.
That's not your heart. Give it a rest.
Are we off, then? No, we're waiting for Marcus.
Leave him here.
I tell you, Dave, he says one more word, I'm gonna thump him.
Shall I go and get him? Cheers, Danny-boy.
I don't like him either but I'm trying to make some serious money.
Keep a lid on it, will you? Yeah, all right.
Once he's signed the contract, can I thump him then?
Look at everybody, they're all going. We're going to be last again.
Ah, there you are.
Oh, I do hope I haven't kept you all waiting.
No, no, no, Marcus. No rush. Whenever you're ready.
By the way, Marcus, I am doing the next clue.
But how exciting! I wonder where we'll all end up this time.
Come on, Grace, we're falling behind.
Mum's not feeling well, Maurice.
What? She'll be all right.
She's not well, Maurice.
I think we should stay here and let her lie down for a while.
Stay here? Oh, no.
I tell you what, why don't we put her in the back of the camper van?
Then she can get her head down for a couple of hours.
Well, all right. Is that all right with you, dear?
Come on.
Come on, hurry up. Oh, for goodness' sake!
Are you ready?
Say miaow.
It's going well.
# And it's hi-ho silver lining
# Everywhere you go now, baby
# I see your sun is shining
# But I won't make a fuss
# Because it's obvious
# Do-do do-do-do
# You're everywhere and nowhere, baby... #
Hello. Hiya.
All right? You're late.
It's a wonder we're here at all with Rob doing the clues.
This way.
No, I'm sure we've been this way before.
All looks the same to me.
Eh, have you got any shears?
Are you all right?
Yeah.
What are you going to do about Chloe?
She hasn't given me much choice. She doesn't want me involved.
She thinks I'll be sticking around for all the wrong reasons.
She might be right. You and Juliet have just got yourselves sorted out.
You don't want to give that up.
I still think I should give Chloe some kind of support, you know?
Financial, emotional.
She's a modern girl, Danny-boy. Modern girls can cope on their own.
Is this the middle?
I can't see a sundial.
Ah, come on.
Look, just don't rush in to anything, OK? Just think about it.
I will.
This way? It's a tricky one though, isn't it?
What's a tricky one?
Chloe wants to bring the baby up without any help from Daniel.
You jammy bugger. How'd you swing that one?
I'm trying to give him some advice.
I'll give you advice, get back to France before she changes her mind.
You might think getting shacked up is cosy and romantic
but give it a couple of months, she'll be all over the baby,
you'll be out of the picture.
And all you'll have to show for it will be sleepless nights
and jumpers that smell of baby sick. My advice is stay single.
Excuse me, lads, incoming.
Hello. Ha-ha-ha-ha. How are you?
Well, that was helpful.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
Ah shut up!
Can we stop, Maurice, I need the loo?
And Mum'll want to stretch her legs. Let's stop and have a cup of tea.
Tea?
Oh, all right.
Ah.
Don't you dare.
Well, it looked all right to me.
Ah, there you are. I'd almost given up hope.
We've been wandering about for ages. You could've given us a shout.
And spoil your fun? I hardly think so.
Come on, everybody. Hurry up, Rob, take the photograph.
I haven't got the camera.
Won't be long.
Right, a quick ten minutes. I'll go in and order the tea.
Oh, well that explains everything.
Maurice. Maurice!
You won't believe what he's done this time.
Look. It's Mum.
I think she's...she's dead.
No, surely not.
Oh, Grace...
..I'm so sorry.
Excuse me, can you help?
My wife's mother has just passed away.
Oh, dear. What ward was she in?
She's not in a ward, she's in a camper van.
It's gone. Oh, my God.
Somebody's stolen Mother!
I don't know why we've nicked this, Kev.
Because, my friend, it'll be full of good gear.
Trust me, Carl, these things are always full of surprises.
Is Dave still upset about missing that clue in the woods?
Don't worry about him, love, he'll get over it.
Once he's had a hot bath and something to eat.
We can put you in room 218, sir.
I would prefer a suite if you have such a thing.
Of course, Mr Forster. The Wyndham Suite?
Excellent. Are you getting a suite?
Yes. Whooo!
His lordship's in the Wyndham Suite.
Oh, dear, how sadly predictable you are.
You resent the fact that I have status and money
and you respond with low-grade scorn and contempt.
I've employed people like you for decades.
Talentless drones who lack motivation and ambition.
For you, it's anything for a quiet life,
whereas for me it's anything for a better life.
Now I would love to stay and indulge in a battle of wits with you...
..but I don't fight unarmed men.
If you'll excuse me.
He-he-he. Got a carvery tonight. Should be good. Ha-ha-ha.
I'm going to get a drink.
What have I said?
I don't know the registration number.
But it's easy enough to spot.
A white camper van with "Hoot Me I'm A Tosser" on the back.
Bloody hooligan! I'll have words with him - Oh, shut up!
Shut up, you stupid, insensitive old fool.
I've lost my mother for God's sake. Yeah, right. I'm sorry, Gracie.
Must be the grief speaking.
Hi!
Chloe. Chloe, hi.
Hi. I hope you don't mind, I've brought a friend.
Of course not, come on in.
Dominic, this is Chloe. Chloe, this is Dominic.
Yes, I know.
Oh, bloody hell.
Mr and Mrs Stringer, I have some news for you.
Have you found the camper van? We've found your mother.
Oh, thank God. She was all over the M11.
Oh, no.
Sorry. Let me rephrase that. Your mother is alive and well.
She's alive?! Yes?
She was driving the camper van in an attempt to get to your sister's place in Watford.
But she hasn't driven since the war.
That's probably why she was all over the M11.
We thought she was dead.
Not dead. Just exhausted, according to the police doctor.
And she's all right, you say?
She's fine. A little disorientated.
They're checking her out at Watford General
and your sister's picking her up.
Oh, thank you, officer. Thank you so much.
What a relief isn't it, Maurice?
Oh, yes, yeah, absolutely.
I say...
when are you bringing the camper van back?
I'm telling you, I came that close to thumping him.
Talentless drone, I'll give him talentless drone.
Who the bloody hell does he think he is? Pillock. (TEXT ALERT)
I don't care what Dave says,
if that git says one more word to me, I'll thump him.
I know it'll cause problems for Dave, I don't care, I'll thump him.
Whose is it? I mean, is it - is it, is it...
Oh, for goodness' sake, Dominic. I'm not looking for a man in my life.
I'm bringing this baby up on my own.
Oh. Cool.
Hello. Aren't you going to introduce me?
Sally, Dominic. Dominic, Sally.
Dominic? THE Dominic?
Yes. Whoa. This is going to be an entertaining evening.
Are you sure I can't tempt you to a glass of champagne?
No. Thank you, Marcus.
So, your mum's all right, then?
Yes, she's fine.
I rang my sister and she said Mum is none the worse for her ordeal.
That's fantastic. Panic over. Must be a relief, Maurice.
Great. Shelled out a small fortune on new clothes and toiletries.
All our stuff is in the camper van. I bet we never get it back.
Oh, shut up. Just saying.
(DANCE MUSIC)
Bit noisy through there. I'll go and have a word.
You'll do no such thing.
It's an engagement party, let them enjoy themselves.
Let's have another round. Yeah, that's a good idea.
Oh, what, me? Oh. Yeah, right.
Same again? BOTH: Yes, please.
Well the Booze Cruisers are probably sixth.
Sixth. Hey, we're not last any more.
No, with the Stringers pulling out, there's only six left.
Oh, bugger it. I wish we hadn't missed that clue in the woods.
It's not too late, Dave.
We're not collecting the answers 'til 11
then me and Dot will be up until one marking them. Aren't we, Dot?
Hey, that's it.
We go back to the woods and photograph that last clue.
Get your coat. We haven't eaten yet.
Half an hour there, half an hour back. You coming, Danny-boy? Yeah.
Must be mad.
Hello.
Good evening.
Are you on your own?
Sorry?
Would you like some company?
Company? With me.
Oh. Er...
Oh, well, that's very nice.
But I'm with some friends, actually. They're over there with my wife.
Oh, I see. Oh, well. Another time, eh?
Why don't you come and join us?
I don't think so. Thanks.
We'll be back before you know it. I'm going to keep him company.
Make sure you've got your phone. So you don't miss any messages.
What's that supposed to mean? Come on, matey-boy.
What's going on? Nothing.
Here we are. You're going to have to watch out, Grace.
You've got competition. What are you rambling on about now?
The woman over there was trying to chat me up.
What the one in the blue dress? Yeah.
She's a prostitute, Maurice.
What?
I mean ask yourself, what woman who looks like that
is going to be interested in a raddled old specimen like you
if money's not involved?
Oh.
I mean, she hasn't said anything but I reckon it's mine. You think?
I thought you only did it once. Once is enough with me.
I mean we're talking quality not quantity.
Yeah, I remember this bloke Daniel at school.
He's a little scrawny geezer. He's probably got little scrawny sperm.
It stands to reason, doesn't it?
Whereas I have got torpedoes in my trousers.
Ooh, what a class act you are (!)
No, no, no, no. All I'm saying is if they wore uniforms,
my sperm would be SAS whereas his would probably be Salvation Army.
Argh!
Half an hour there and back. You'll be home before you know it.
We've missed dinner, and the deadline.
It must be here somewhere. The stone crossing.
You said you knew where it was. It's in this forest somewhere.
So's Center Parc and we haven't stumbled over that either.
Don't be so negative, Rob. It's close, very close.
I think it's just a bit north west of here.
Oh, it's just a bit north west of here. Marvellous (!)
Get out your sextant, Captain Cook, you'll have us there in no time.
Don't be so hard on the lad, it's not his fault.
No, it's yours for having dragged us out here in the first place.
Shall we try this way?
Oh, yes, let's (!)
Oh!
Terrific.
So, what's the plan tomorrow, Grace, If you haven't got the camper van?
Go home, I suppose. After we drive to Watford to pick up her mother.
You can't go home. There's still another day of clues to go.
Why don't you come in with us? There's plenty of room in our car.
That'd be terrific. I'd love that.
Ooh, I wonder where the lads have got to.
It's not like my Dave to miss a meal.
I'm used to Rob being out all night.
What a waste.
So, Marcus, what's your line of country?
Hmm?
What is it exactly that you do?
Well, I suppose I could spend the next 20 minutes
explaining the complexities of my business to you.
No doubt you would nod sagely as if you knew what I was talking about.
But I think we'd both be wasting our time, so please don't let's bother.
Fair enough.
Aaaarrrggghhh!
AAARRRGGGHHH!
How much longer will that ambulance be?
What did they say when you phoned?
I didn't phone them, I thought you did. Men!
Oh! I'll do it. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God!
Ha-ha-ha. I've heard that before.
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
So Dave's having to bite his tongue a bit
in the hope of getting this big, juicy contract.
Oh, I see. I wondered why Dave was being so nice to a man like that.
# La-la-la la-la-la-la-la
Grace!
# La-la-la la-la-la-la-la
# Na-na-na
You know I think it's truly criminal
the way your husband has abandoned you like this.
Well, that's Rob. I'm used to it.
I am enjoying our little chat. Why don't we adjourn
to somewhere a bit less noisy and I'll order some champagne?
No, thank you.
So, erm, I understand that you and Dave
are going to be doing some business together.
I beg your pardon?
I heard you were the person who issued the contracts.
I am, but I'm hardly likely to issue one in Dave's direction.
Oh, I like the chap enormously and we've had some very good times.
But he's not quite ready to play with the big boys just yet.
You know what I mean.
You've been quick enough to accept his hospitality so far.
Yes, I know. Not fair, is it?
But what can one say? C'est la guerre.
Here we are.
Leonie.
Come here.
So, Marcus, a chance for you and me to get better acquainted, eh?
Can we please get some of these people out of here?
Attention! Can we have interested parties only in here, please?
Oh, for goodness' sake! Out. Come on, out.
It's all right, I found Alison and she's training to be a midwife.
Oh, that's handy. Here she is.
Right, Ali, what do we do?
Aarrgghh!
Well, that's useful (!)
Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!
Oh, no.
Well, that's the end of that.
That's probably the end of us. We'll be all right.
That's what they said in The Blair Witch Project.
(GURGLING)
What was that?
Oh, that's just my stomach.
Well, can you keep it under control, please?
Hey, we've got mobiles. We could call for help.
Ah!
Yeah, brilliant.
Who are you gonna call? The police? Coastguard? International Rescue (?)
"Yeah, we're in a forest. We can't give you our precise location but it's dark and full of trees."
Oh, yeah. Good point.
(GROWLING)
Will you keep your stomach under control?
That wasn't me that time.
Oh, shit.
Look, I'm really sorry, OK? I wish I'd never brought us here.
You're sorry (!)
I'm going to ring Cath. She'll be out of her mind with worry.
# And so you're back from outer space
# I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face
# I should have changed that stupid lock,
# I should have made you leave your key
# If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me
# Go on now go
# Walk out the door
# Just turn around now
# Cos you're not welcome any more
# Weren't you the one who tried to break me with your lies?
No, voicemail. Must have gone to bed.
Come on.
# I will survive
# As long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive
# I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give
# I'll survive
# I will survive, hey, hey! #
Hm. Hm-hm-hm-hm.
What?
I was just thinking, what would Harry Potter do in this situation?
That's a good question that, Dave.
Perfect. I'm lost in the woods with a pair of nutters.
We're never gonna find the car in the dark.
We'll have to wait till daylight. That's hours away.
Well, what else can we do?
# In the roaring traffic's boom
# In the silence of my lonely room
# I think of you
# Night and day
# Day and night
# Under the hide of me
# There's, oh, such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
# And this torment won't be through
# Till you let me spend my life making love to you
# Day and night
# Night and day #
Oh, no.
What?
I've lost the car keys. Oh, you are not serious?!
Search your pocket. They must have come out when I fell in that ditch.
Well, that just about puts the bloody lid on it.
Oh, no, hang on. Hey! Whoo!
Ta-daaaa!
Oh, look, the car's just here.
The car's just here?!
We've been sitting on a bloody tree stump for an hour and a half
and the car's just here?!
That was a stroke of luck, wasn't it? Shut up!
Keep breathing, well done.
AAARRRGGGHHH!
The ambulance is here.
The ambulance is here, Chloe. About bloody time!
Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Just breathe...breeeeaaathe.
That's it. Relax. How can I relax?!
It's the police.
Oh, bloody hell.
They've had a complaint about the noise. Aaarrrggghhh!
Chloe, sorry, they're complaining about the noise.
Aaarrrggghhh!
That was a right laugh. Whoo, I'm exhausted.
I'm surprised at you, Grace.
I thought I knew you. I never realised that you were such a -
..diva? Exhibitionist I was going to say.
Stop being such a killjoy and get us some more drinks.
You'll be lucky. You've had more than enough - Maurice.
All right.
Hey. Marcus is going up with the tart.
I don't care what he does as long as he gives my Dave a contract.
He's got no intention of doing that.
What?
He told me earlier he's stringing him along.
No, Cath. There's nothing to be gained by going after him.
It'll make me feel better.
It won't. You'll spoil the evening and regret it in the morning.
I won't let him get away with it. I'm not suggesting you do.
But now is not the time. This needs a little thinking about.
Dave will go mad when he hears.
Oh, isn't he lovely. Chloe, he's beautiful.
He looks like Elton John. That's a terrible thing to say.
I can't help how he looks. Aren't you a sweetheart?
Oh, thanks. Not you.
Oh, I'm gonna spoil you rotten.
And then when you're 18 you'll bring all your hunky friends around to meet your Auntie Sally. Behave.
Hey, I bet your parents are thrilled.
Mum burst into tears. She's already planning the christening.
Can you hand me my phone? There's somebody else I need to contact.
What the hell's happened to you lot?
Ask George of the Jungle here. Three brandies, please.
We got a little bit lost.
Before or after you found the clue?
Finding the clue became irrelevant after the first three hours.
Look, I said I'm sorry. All right?
Dave, I've got to talk to you about something later.
Not now, pet. All I want is a stiff drink, a hot bath and my bed.
(TEXT ALERT)
Not me. That makes a change.
It's Chloe. She's had the baby.
What's she had? I've got to go. I've got to get back.
How much does it weigh? Where's the train station?
There won't be any trains. You never know.
Go and get your bag, I'll wait in the car. Are you coming, Rob?
Yeah, all right.
His chances of finding the station alone are really very thin.
You know, apart from your mother being ill,
this has all worked out rather well.
This is a very nice hotel, I have to say.
Well, it beats the camper van, that's for sure.
Yeah, yeah. I admit I was wrong about that one.
And there's something about a hotel
that puts people in a romantic mood, don't you think?
What?
Oh. Yeah, right.
Oh, do you know what I've done? I've left my glasses in the lounge.
All right, I'll get them. Oh, no, no, no.
You go to the bathroom and freshen up and clean your teeth.
And I'll be back in a minute. Right.
Hey, don't be long.
I won't.
I'm sorry to bother you but my husband's asleep
and I don't want to wake him.
And the problem is that he's got the key inside the room.
Don't worry, madam, what room is it? Er, the Wyndham Suite.
Mr and Mrs Forster.
Right. If you'd like to follow me.
# Do-do do dooooo
If we could just do this as quietly as possible...
Of course, madam.
(WHISPERS) Thank you very much.
Not at all, madam. Night. Good night.
By the time we got back she's crashed out on the bed
fully dressed with the TV on.
Mine was sparko. She wasn't there when I woke up. They're swimming.
Morning, Dave. Morning, Rob. Morning, Lawrence.
I was expecting to see you last night with a missing clue.
No luck, eh? Never mind. There's always today.
Who knows what will happen?
Based on past experience, I think I can hazard a pretty good guess.
So, Lawrence, any chance of any advance tips?
All the clues are in the packs, David, you know that.
I know that, I know that. Very good too.
I'm looking forward to it.
I thought you might tip us the wink. What with us being in last place.
Oh, I can't do that, old man. Sorry.
Come on, Lawrence, I'll make it worth your while.
Dave. Three years of coming last.
You can see that can't you? He's still a bit tired.
I am begging you, Lawrence. I'm so sorry about this.
What harm can it do, eh? Lawrence, please, please!
How about a shower system at cost?
Half price?
Free? Dave, it's a treasure hunt.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Come along, Dot.
Marcus.
Good morning. Good morning.
I'm so glad I ran into you.
There's something I want to chat to you about. Oh?
It's this.
I know it's only a Polaroid
but it's a surprisingly clear picture, don't you think?
I think I've caught you rather well. In more ways than one.
It was you last night. Hmm.
I only saw the flash.
I don't think your wife would be too thrilled to see that, do you?
Blackmail. Oh, yes I suppose you could call it that.
Well, what is it you want? Money?
Oh, please, nothing so vulgar.
I want you to be nice.
Nice?! Nice. To my friends.
Perhaps I should explain.
I don't know what came over me.
It's called desperation, mate, don't worry about it.
Did I seem desperate to you? Not so's anyone would notice, no (!)
Oh, goody, the Earl of Gitdom is up.
Look, Rob -
It's all right, not going to say anything. You don't have to worry.
I realise how hard it's been for you. You know, with Marcus.
I know you're trying hard and I appreciate you making the effort. Thanks, matey-boy.
Oh. Oh, I don't know what to say, mate, I'm moved.
Mind you I'd still rather thump him.
Good morning, David. Good morning, Rob.
Ah-ha, the full English fry-up.
Here we go. What's up, Marcus, this all a bit too working class for you?
I'm sure if you ask nicely they'll rustle you up some quail's eggs.
Oh, no, I was just thinking I'll have what you're having.
It looks absolutely delicious.
What's going on? First you being nice, now him.
Morning, all. Morning. Lovely morning.
I can't cope with this, I need to lie down.
Oh, David, before you go, I would just like a quick word.
Oh, yeah.
We've got this large housing development taking place.
Swallowfields, I've heard all about it.
I was rather hoping to involve your company in some way.
Would you be interested? Would I? I'd bite your hand off for an order.
Putting aside your cannibalistic tendencies...
I'll get my people to make contact some time next week.
Oh, magic. Thanks very much, Marcus.
Cath, you'll never guess what just happened.
Marcus has had a chat with me about a contract.
What do you think you're doing? I'm having breakfast.
You're not eating that. I am. You're not. Listen will you?
I'll get you a nice bowl of muesli. I didn't have dinner last night.
No, Dave. Down, boy, down! Drop it! Drop -
Ooh, you bad boy!
Cath, I've had enough. I'm not listening to you any more.
It's only for your own good.
I know you mean well but I don't want to diet.
But you said you did. Yeah, well, now I don't.
You have to accept that I'll never be Brad Pitt.
But, Dave - Look, I'm perfectly happy the way I am.
Take it or leave it. Now, do you want to hear my news? No!
Oh, please yourself, I'm having breakfast.
Right, everyone, if I could just have your attention. Thank you.
Dot is about to hand out packs for day two. Packs, Dot.
Ooh!
Now, you'll also be getting buckets and spades.
Donated by Jimmy's Toy Box. Thank you, Jimmy.
Now, the need for these will become apparent as the day progresses.
Anyway, good luck to you all and see you all by the seaside, eh?
ALL: Ooh!
Oh. I guess that's a bit of a giveaway there.
Yes. Come on. Buckets, buckets, buckets.
Oh, I forgot to tell you, Dave.
Because they lost their van,
I told Maurice and Grace they could come in with us.
You did what? It's all right. We've got plenty of room.
It's not about how much room we've got.
God, I knew this was too good to last.
Oh, don't be so petty.
I'll be squashed up against old face-ache again.
It's like Groundhog Day.
I'm sorry. You cannot deliver the Mail on Sunday
then charge me for the Sunday Times.
I know there's only 30p difference but there's a principle at stake.
Grace. So you're coming with us now? If that's OK with you.
Don't give it a second thought. We really appreciate it.
It's great to have you along. Who's doing the clues?
Not Rob, he's the reason we're in last place.
That's a bit harsh. It's true, though.
No, what we need is a bit of girl power.
Girl power? Yes, Mr Lost-in-the-woods-all-night.
Girl power. Here you are, Grace. Over to you.
(TEXT ALERT)
Oh, for God's sake!
What, it's work?! No it's not, Rob.
It's not work, it's never work. Don't insult my intelligence.
It's...oh, it's Jackie.
Would this be the same Jackie
that sent you four texts in the car yesterday?
The same Jackie you were talking to in the pub car park, hmm?
The same Jackie who texted you in our room last night?
Last night? Oh, you're pathetic.
You think you are so bloody clever.
But do you know what the real irony is, Rob?
All the time you've been treating me like an idiot,
you haven't had the sense to clear your call register
or delete messages or throw away restaurant receipts.
Can we talk about this? No.
There is nothing to talk about.
Who is she, anyway? Another hairdresser?
Another barmaid? Another aerobics instructor?
She's no-one. She's nothing. She's just someone I met, that's all.
She doesn't mean anything to me.
No, they never do, do they?
God, I am just so sick of this. Leonie, it stopped ages ago.
I can't help it if she keeps texting me, can I?
And I'm supposed to believe that, am I?
Yes, it's stopped, Leonie. I promise you faithfully.
Faithfully?! Oh, that's great coming from a serial adulterer like you.
Shut up. Shut up, I've had enough.
I've closed my eyes to your screwing around for the last time, do you hear me?
Now, you're going to call her and tell her it is over.
No more phone calls, no more texts, right?
No more contact, Rob. None.
OK.
I mean it, Rob.
If I find out you're still in touch with her then we are finished.
You pack it in now or you are out, do you understand me?
Right.
(WHIMPERS)
Hi.
Daniel! What are you doing here?
I thought you were off on some treasure hunt.
I was. I left as soon as I got your text. I've been up all night.
Yeah, so have I.
Yeah, sorry.
So...you all right?
I'm fine.
You look terrible. Thanks.
I mean, really wrung out. Yes, can you just stop now, please?
So...
..is this -
The baby. Yes.
Oh, look. She's gorgeous.
He's gorgeous.
Wow.
Can I -
Of course.
(WHIMPERS)
Look, Chloe,
I know you don't wanna talk about this now,
but we have to sort this out once and for all.
Oh, Daniel, please.
I know you've got rights.
But whoever is the father's got rights too.
So tell me, please...
..am I the father or is it Dominic?
You're never gonna let this drop, are you?
How can I?
You're talking about a human being here.
Chloe, this is so important to me.
I have to know.
I'm never gonna get any peace, am I?
All right.
If you really have to know.
Yes, it's you, Daniel.
Oh.
Good.
Well...I guess we ought to discuss how we're gonna make this work.
Sorry? Make what work?
Well, with you, me and the baby.
Look, I know you wanna do the whole single mum bit, and that's cool.
But I am his father.
I should be here for him, shouldn't I?
And for you as well, come to that.
It'll mean giving up France of course, but...
well, it's the right thing to do.
You're gonna give up living in France?
Well...
..yes.
And Juliet?
Yes.
Daniel, that's gonna make you so unhappy.
And it's gonna make Juliet unhappy and it's really not necessary.
But, Chloe - No, let me finish.
I think that it is sweet that you would even consider doing that.
But it's not what any of us really want.
He's gonna get all the love and support he needs.
And you can visit him anytime you like.
You'll be a part of his life wherever you are.
And I have to say,
if he grows up with half the principles that his father has,
well I'm gonna be dead proud of little Timberlake.
Timberlake?
Well, here we are. Upon the green there's a sign of a wise old bird.
This is the green, there's the sign and the owl is a wise old bird.
Well done, Grace. You're a wise old bird yourself.
Good.
You play away from home, you've only got yourself to blame.
What goes around comes around, matey-boy.
He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword.
As ye reap, so shall ye sow.
OK, what is this, the Penguin Book of Quotations?
People like you should keep it in their trousers.
And people like you want to learn to keep their traps shut.
You all right now, love?
Yeah, she's fine. I'm so sorry.
I shouldn't have gone off like that, not in front of everybody.
I'm so embarrassed. There's no need. Is there, Grace?
No. No.
He had it coming.
If Maurice ever did anything like that to me...
Well, all right, it's not likely.
But if he did, I'd give him the full Lorraine Bobbitt treatment.
(TEXT ALERT)
Right, that is it.
No, no, it's Da-
I was due for an upgrade anyway.
Oh, Dave. I thought it was Rob's ph-
I'm so sorry.
I can go and get it.
Don't worry, I'll get it. I'm getting used to wading into ponds.
Don't worry about it, Rob. It won't work anyway now.
Let's get cracking. What's next, Grace?
Right, two more clues and then, er, lunch.
Whoo! And then it's off to the seaside.
You're like a big kid, you are.
I must say I'm looking forward to lunch.
Are you, Marcus?
Which, of course, is on me.
Hmm. Still no sign of the Booze Cruisers.
They're going to be last again.
We'd just about given up on you, Dave.
Yeah, we got a flat tyre.
You've missed it, I'm afraid. The treasure hunt's all but finished.
We've got the prize-giving at three.
Let's get inside and have a drink. No. We'll finish this treasure hunt.
It's a matter of principle now. I'm with you. We've come this far.
I'm inclined to agree. Why not wait in the bar, lasses?
We won't be long.
Last time he said that we got lost in the woods all night.
All right then, Dave. Good luck. You're marker number five.
He-he. There we are, number five.
What exactly are we looking for?
Ahhhh, Marcus, me boy, Spanish doubloons. Pieces of eight.
Well, actually it's a Tupperware box with a big fish in it.
Who wants to start the digging?
I will, but not with that.
Here we are. Whoa-ho-ho!
Done this before, remember?
I don't think that's in the spirit of the competition, Dave.
ALL: Oh, shut up!
Do you know what's surprised me most about this trip?
Rob? No, no, that's not a surprise.
No, it's Marcus. I can't believe the change in the man.
He's polite, he's courteous.
He's even stopped leering at me.
And I'll tell you something else,
he says he's going to give my Dave a contract, an' all.
Yeah, I know. It's amazing.
Don't you think so, Grace? Amazing.
Ooh, you know something.
Do I?
Grace Stringer, what's going on?
You know last night when he went off with the tart in the blue dress?
You know I really can't believe
they would have buried whatever it is quite so deep.
We don't know that for sure, Marcus.
Lawrence wouldn't want the tide to carry it away, would he?
Are you kidding? At this depth, a JCB couldn't carry it away.
Can't we just stop now and go for a drink?
Come on, Rob, we're almost there. Where? Australia?
Have a look at that.
Am I holding this the right way up?
Yes. I can't tell where he begins and she ends.
Eugh. Eugh, the mucky bugger.
Oh, he should be ashamed of himself. He should but I'm sure he's not.
You wouldn't really show his wife, would you?
I might. Especially if Dave's contract doesn't come through.
But that's blackmail. I know.
God, you are a devious woman, Grace.
I do my best.
Can I just ask how much longer you intend to be?
A while yet, why?
Well, I hate to be the harbinger of bad news -
Then don't be. Keep it to yourself. That's not entirely possible.
All right, Marcus, what's the bad news?
Oh! Bloody hell! The tide's coming in!
The tide's coming in!
Yes, we can see that King Canute, we know.
Hey, help us out. I'm drowning here.
Oh, come on then, you old git.
Right, let's get the car started.
I'm sorry that we couldn't wait any longer for the Booze Cruisers.
But it doesn't really matter because they finished last anyway.
Now, this is the best bit...
Where the hell are they?
I'll give Dave a call on his mobile.
Oh, no, I can't.
Erm, I'll call Rob.
..and secateurs. Could I have the captain of the Bromley Boys.
No, it's a bit tricky at the moment, Cath, can't really talk.
No, we're expecting a Sea King helicopter any minute.
Yeah. Yeah, Lord Tosspot here
backed the car straight into the hole we dug on the beach.
That really wasn't my fault.
I haven't driven a car in nearly 30 years.
Leave him alone. It's not his fault.
I do hope they winch you two up together so you can carry on kissing his arse.
Do you have to be so vulgar? Oh, wind your neck in, you tosser.
Tosser? I knew it was you who wrote on the back of my camper van.
Don't bloody start. I should've left you in the hole.
Calm down, will you?
# We're all going on a summer holiday
# No more work for - come on - a week or two
# Fun and laughter ohhhhhhhh! #
What a weekend, eh? We've had some adventures.
Eh? Well, I've enjoyed it.
Does the sun shine on the planet you come from?
It's been a nightmare from beginning to end.
I must admit from a perverse point of view that I have enjoyed it too.
There you are, you see?
Normally you're the sort of people I would cross the road to avoid
but actually, you've all been rather entertaining.
(CAR HORN SOUNDS)
Ah. Here comes my man now.
So I'll say good night.
And we'll talk next week about the contract.
Contract? (CLEARS THROAT)
Ahhhh, yes.
Ha-ha, the contract.
Next week. Anyway, good night.
Good night, Marcus.
We'll be off too. Thank you.
Good night. Night, you two.
Don't think I've forgotten about my lawn.
Yeah, yeah.
Good night. See you.
Night, Rob. Behave yourself. See you, Roberto.
Night. Come here.
I was just saying, it'll take months for that lawn to grow out.
Give it a rest, Maurice, please!
Oh, no.
She's back.
You'd think she could stay in Watford for a week or two.
Oh, shut up.
ELSIE: They're on again. I know they're on again!
(TEXT ALERT)
No!
Leonie, you don't understand.
(DOOR LOCKS)
See you.
Ah well, it all worked out well in the end.
Except we came last again.
Who cares? There's always next year.
Doesn't matter cos I've got a special prize for you anyway.
Special prize?
Yes, big fella.
I have got something for you that I know you're going to love.
Yeah?
How does steak and kidney pie, chips and peas sound?
Oooh! Come here, you.
subtitles by Deluxe