MOBILE RINGS
(MUTTERS ANGRILY)
All stand.
VICAR: Please be seated.
We meet in the presence of God...
who holds the keys of life and death.
We meet to remember the life of Elsie...
..who has died.
(SIGHS)
Thank you, vicar. It was a lovely service.
Mum would have been so pleased. I'm delighted.
Interesting choice of music for the cremation.
Yes, it was a great favourite of Mum's.
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes.
Gracie. I thanked everyone for coming. Can we go now?
I'm talking to the Reverend Gilmartin, Maurice.
I can see that. Nice service, vicar.
Well done. Cheers. Can we go now? I'm getting hungry.
Maurice, I've got the vicar here and the crematorium.
I can get another urn in seconds. Don't tempt me.
Thank you so much...for everything.
How you doing, Grace? You all right? Oh, I'm fine, thanks, Leone.
It must have been terrible to lose her so suddenly.
Yes, I know she was 85 but...
it's still a shock when it happens. At least the old girl went quickly.
Which is all any of us can ask.
I'm not convinced your loft ladder didn't have something
to do with that. Not again, Grace, please.
He'd only just installed the damn thing and it came down like that.
It's supposed to come down like that. Not of its own accord at 3am!
Not when my mother's trotting off to the loo!
It didn't hit her hard. It sent her flying!
You know, I mean that sort of thing is bound to affect you.
It was days before she died. Even the coroner said there was no connection.
I do hope you'll all come back to the house for a drink.
Do come back to the house.
Are you going back? Yes.
But not for long. We've got things to do, haven't we, Dave? Yeah.
Has she still got you at it, Dave? Oh, yes.
Don't be like that! A lot of men'd kill to have as much sex as you!
A lot of men'd DIE having as much sex as I'm having. It's your fault.
How is it my fault? He's got low motility. What's that?
It means he's got lazy sperm. I haven't. You have. I haven't.
There's nothing wrong with my sperm!
They're just like him. Big lazy buggers.
They should be whizzing about.
Instead, they're lying on the sofa watching Match Of The Day.
I've had enough of this. I'm going to see Rob. You're not.
Oh, no, Dave! I promised him I'd pop round, I won't be long.
All right. But make sure you're not.
Oh, Dave. Remind him he's having the kids and not to be late.
Will do. Thank you.
No alcohol while you're there. Remember what the doctor said!
Shut up!
KNOCK AT DOOR
Hey. Hiya.
You didn't need to tidy up on my account.
Yes, sorry about this. A bit behind on the orders.
Want a beer? Erm...best not.
Any chance of a cup of tea?
Oh, Leone said to remind you you've got the kids all day tomorrow.
Don't be late. When have I ever been late for the kids?
Honestly, she's five miles away and she's still nagging me.
So, how was Maurice's funeral?
It wasn't Maurice's. It was his mother-in-law's. I can dream.
How was the old slaphead? He wasn't that upset she'd gone.
Mind you, give him his due. He kept it to a smirk for Grace's sake.
So, you're still copying the old DVDs, eh? I've got to earn a living.
Two houses to run. Leone and the kids to keep.
This is wrong. What?
Well, it says Forest Hump. No, that's right.
Hump?
You're not knocking out porn, are you? Don't say it like that.
I'm only copying 'em. I'm not starring in 'em
Yeah, I think she's bearing up all right.
Mind you, it was a bit of a blow.
One minute the old girl was shouting the odds at Richard and Judy,
the next minute - phwwt! - gone.
Still, that's life, innit?
In the garden if you're going to smoke that.
Oh, God! I can't do a bloody thing right in this place.
It's not just this place.
Oh, look. There's one of Grace when she was a teenager.
She looks the same as she does now.
(BOTH GUFFAW)
Look who's here.
He's changed a bit.
Would anyone like another sandwich? No, not for me, thanks.
Grace, it looks like someone's had a go at Maurice with a felt tip pen.
Show me.
Oh, no. He did have hair when I married him.
Oh, my God! Look at him here. (GUFFAWS)
He's a big boy, isn't he?
Oh, no.
Woollen swimming trunks always used to sag when they got wet.
I thought it was all him.
I should be so lucky.
Look. This must be their wedding.
Oh, doesn't Maurice look smart?
Yes.
Oh, look at the date.
What? Look.
The date and the year.
Oh.
So, how are things in Robbie land?
Yeah. Great.
Life of a single man.
Tops. Is it?
Yeah, you know.
I'm my own boss. Come and go as I please.
Brilliant.
If you say so, matey boy.
It's just, you know...
I always thought you and Leone...
What?
I don't know. It's just a shame how it all worked out.
You were always really good together.
Yeah. Well...
..that's all over now. Water under the bridge.
And, to be honest, I think she's probably happier without me.
Well, that's...er...
..not what she said to Cath. Right, Rob. I'm off.
Oh, hello, Dave. I thought I heard your voice.
Hiya, Jackie. I didn't know you were here.
How you doing? Yeah, fine.
Fine, thanks, babe. How are you?
Oh, not bad. I've just been to a funeral this morning.
Oh, lovely. Anyone you knew?
Well, yeah. I mean, why else would I go?
Oh, yeah, I suppose. It was the mother of a friend of ours.
Oh, why didn't you go, Rob?
I wasn't asked. Well, er...
better get going. They'll be expecting me back at Maurice's.
Hey, see you down The Swan tomorrow night. About 8?
I'll have dropped the kids off by then. Magic.
See you later, Jackie. Bye, Dave.
Ooh, I've got to dash too, babe.
Now, you've not forgotten Saturday, have you? Saturday?
We're going down Dungeness to see Mum and Dad. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Can't wait. Neither can I.
Bye, lover.
Right. It's time for a proper drink, I think.
I've had enough tea to threaten the Thames Barrier.
Who's going to join me?
So, what happens now, Grace?
Is she going to stay in the garden of rest? Oh, no.
Tomorrow we're collecting her ashes.
And then, on Saturday, we're heading off to Yorkshire.
To scatter them on the moors. Aw! How lovely.
Hm. She had some of her happiest times up there.
With my dad. Holidays and odd weekends.
Their favourite part of the world.
Bloody Yorkshire.
All the way to bloody Yorkshire just to chuck her over the moors!
But if it's what she wanted. It seems she went with Jack a lot.
There you go. She used to go to The Glades Shopping Centre in Bromley.
Why can't we scatter her there? Make visiting easier.
That's for sure.
Of course, it's all a massive inconvenience to Maurice.
If it was down to him, we'd empty her in the bin like a Hoover bag.
He keeps going on and on about how much it's going to cost him.
50 quid for petrol. Then there's food.
Staying over.
The hotel's going to cost 60 quid or more, isn't it?
I wonder if I can borrow my mate's camper van again.
Maurice, now come on.
I know she wasn't your favourite person but you can't skimp on this.
No, you're right.
Especially since the old biddy might have left me a bit of legacy.
Really? Two French clocks. Antiques.
Oh, well, that's nice. Well, it will be if I can get my hands on 'em.
It'll be something for you to treasure, won't it? Treasure?
I'm not keeping the bloody things! They're worth nearly 10 grand.
As soon as probate's sorted I'm off to the auction house.
Jeanie, will you give these to Richard when he comes back?
Get him to have a look at the figures. I think he's way off.
Ah. Good morning, Dave.
Marcus, this is a surprise. A pleasant one, I hope.
Oh, yes. Always pleased to see my biggest customer.
Come up to my office, please. Yes, of course.
You've never been in the new premises before.
No. No, I haven't. But I've often tried to envisage
what the QBL empire would look like.
And is this how you imagined it? Sadly, yes.
Just in there, Marcus.
Welcome to the nerve centre. (FEIGNS LAUGHTER)
Please take a seat. Thank you.
Can I get you a tea or a coffee? No, thanks.
So, how can I help you?
Well, actually, David, I need a favour. Ask away, Marcus.
You know I can deny you nothing.
You are going to that bathroom and shower exhibition
in Leeds on Saturday? Yeah. Yeah. We're staying over.
Yeah. Cath's really excited. Well...
I want to get a present to my brother
who lives not far from where you're going to be.
Not a problem. You tell me what you want me to get him.
No. No. No.
Oh, no. I'm on my way to pick up the present myself.
It's just I don't want to trust the delivery to an anonymous courier.
It is rather valuable. Consider it done, Marcus.
Why don't you come with us? That way you can give the present yourself.
Plenty of room in the car. Hotel and dinner on me, of course.
Tempting as a weekend in Leeds sounds, sadly I must decline.
My wife's ghastly family are descending upon us
and I have been instructed to play the convivial host.
Maybe next time, eh? Yes.
Well, I'll drop the gift off at your house this evening
if that's convenient. Would you mind if it was a bit later?
Cath's got a salsa class and I'm meeting Rob for a drink. Where?
The White Swan. What time will you be there? 8-ish.
Very well. I'll see you then.
It will be awfully nice to see Rob again.
Yeah, I'm sure he'll be thrilled to see you too. Yes, I'm sure (!)
Let me show you out. Thank you.
DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
Gracie! I'm in here.
Here she is.
Home at last.
A carrier bag?!
You brought my mother home in a carrier bag?!
Well, I didn't want to sit on the bus with an urn. People'd stare.
A BUS? I told you to take a cab!
Yeah, but you know what a cab would cost.
Anyway, I've got my bus pass. Silly not to use it.
Oh!
I didn't have to pay any more for her. She sat on my lap.
I had a bit of a peek inside.
It's amazing what little room she actually occupies.
Considering the amount of space she took up here. Oh!
There you are, Mum. There's a nice spot for you.
You're not going to leave her there. It's only till the weekend.
I booked the hotel, by the way. It looks very nice.
How much? £120.
120 QUID?
Where we staying? The Hilton?
I don't know why we have to stop over.
We could go up and back in a day if we went by train.
Three hours up. Scatter the ashes. Three hours back.
Home in bed with a mug of cocoa by eleven! Why bother getting off?
We could get on the Intercity 125 and chuck her out the window.
You're being silly. Better still we have Dan and Muriel at Tadcaster.
We could get them to scatter the ashes for us.
We could shove Mother in a Jiffy bag and post her to them.
You're more trouble now than when you were alive.
So when we saw the date on the wedding photo
we realised the day Maurice and Grace will be scattering
the ashes in Yorkshire is also their 40th wedding anniversary.
They never said anything. That's the point, Dave.
They haven't said because they aren't doing anything.
They've been too wound up with the funeral.
It's a shame, isn't it? They should do summat to celebrate.
That's just what we were thinking. So, Leone suggested...
that we organise something special for them this weekend.
Well, we can't, can we? We're doing something ourselves.
Yes, Dave. We're in LEEDS.
Which is...
whe-ere?
Ohh!
Yeah. Aahhhh!
So we're staying just outside Leeds.
I can do my business in the city and we can drive to the moors
and scatter Elsie's ashes and in-between...
we're surprising Maurice and Grace with an anniversary meal. Who's going?
Well, Maurice and Grace, obviously. Me and Cath. And...erm...Leone.
What about me?
You? Yeah. Me.
Or am I getting frozen out again? Oh, come on. It's not like that.
I'd love to invite you. It's just... it would be awkward.
I don't see how. You and Leone in a car together.
You and Maurice in a car together, for that matter.
Either way, it's a recipe for some serious friction.
Can't see you wanting that. Saturday? What time you leaving?
Oh, you're not thinking of coming, are you, mate? Yeah.
We are talking about two days with Maurice. I know.
But he's my favourite sport. Don't deny me. What about Leone?
It'll be fine. We can cope. We're grown-ups.
Well, she is.
Besides, being stuck in a car with them two
is infinitely preferable to going to poxy Dungeness.
What you going there for? Jackie wants me to meet her parents.
Oh, dear. Exactly.
Anyway, a couple of days away from Jacks won't hurt.
I thought you two were getting on all right. All right covers it.
So come on then, am I going or not?
Yeah. Course. I'll give you a buzz when I've sorted out the details.
And remember, this anniversary do is a secret so don't say anything.
No worries. Ah, David. There you are.
Ooh, I just felt a strange disturbance in the Force.
Tell me that's not who I think it is.
Well, well, well. If it isn't Lord Snooty.
Hello, Rob. I see you've graduated to cutlery.
You are coming on in leaps and bounds.
You just going to stand there making snide comments or get a round in?
Erm...that's all right, Marcus.
Keith, can I have a large Glenfiddich, please?
Cheers.
Oh, I feel guilty now. I didn't get you anything.
Do you want a chip? I think not.
So, how's it going? Still shooting peasants out of season?
How frightfully droll you are.
What you doing here anyway? I've come to see David
about this little trip to Yorkshire. Oh, for f- YOU'RE not coming?
He's not coming, is he? No, he's not.
Thank God for that. For a moment, a weekend in Dungeness
was starting to look very appealing. No offence, Marcus. None taken.
David has offered to deliver this to my brother-in-law in Leeds.
Here are all the details. Time, place etc.
Excellent. You can depend on me.
Why don't you just post it to him? It's valuable.
And fragile.
Anyway, that's why I've entrusted it to a good and loyal friend.
No worries, Marcus. You leave it to me. Well, business concluded.
I'll be on my way.
I hope all goes well with the party. Thank you.
Bring us back a vol-au-vent.
Oh, very good. You must keep your friends amused for hours.
Bye. Bye, Marcus. See you later.
You take care.
Who you calling? Police.
He's had a large whisky and he's driving. Thought I'd shop him.
He's got a chauffeur. Oh, yeah.
Bummer.
RUNNING WATER
I'm so touched that everyone wants to come up to Yorkshire with us.
Yeah. And with Dave taking us all in that bus of his,
it's going to save a few bob.
Oh! Not everything's about money, Maurice.
Oh, no. No.
No, of course not. You're right.
So, how's the will looking?
Any surprises?
I'm still getting the clocks, aren't I?
Well, that depends.
Depends? What do you mean depends?
Depends on what? Good night, dear.
Gracie.
(SIGHS AND TUTS)
DOOR CREAKS
Hello, you.
Oh. Hiya, Cath. I thought you'd be asleep already.
No, darling. I've been waiting up for you.
Hurry up. At least let me get in the room first.
Oh, all right. Go and get washed. I'll be waiting.
Oh, come on, Cath. Can I not have a night off, eh?
Just for once? No, Dave.
Look. It's all here in my diary.
Oh...er...you found it.
Yes, I did. Look.
We have a window of opportunity and I'm not going to miss it.
Remember what the doctor said.
So, come on. Get a move on. Cath...
please.
I'm exhausted. I can't go on like this morning, noon and night.
You wouldn't do this to a lawn mower. What's that got to do with it?
It's the same thing.
Look, you get great results from a lawn mower
if you use it once a week. No need to drag it out the shed
and whack it round the garden every four hours.
You just knacker the engine out. Do you know what I mean? I do.
Really? Yes. Of course.
Oh, good.
Now, hurry up and get your kit off.
Morning. Morning, all. We were going to come round and pick you up.
I wish you had.
This thing weighs a ton.
What have you got in there? Oh, just a few bits and bobs.
Blimey!
Is that the urn, Maurice?
Yeah, this is Elsie. What's left of her.
Hey, Dave.
Quick impression. Who's this?
Mike Gatting carrying off the Ashes! (BOTH CHORTLE)
Maurice!
Do you want to put Elsie in the back, Maurice?
You could wedge her between the cases. Oh, yeah.
That's a good idea. Oh, no. No.
Maurice is carrying her. Aren't you, dear?
Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Yes, I am.
It's one of the conditions of Mum's will that Maurice carries the urn
all the time until the scattering tomorrow.
Otherwise I don't get the clocks.
Otherwise he doesn't get the clocks.
I'll let you know about the other conditions as we get to them.
OTHER conditions?
Right. As soon as Rob gets here, we'll be off.
You all right about Rob coming? Oh, yeah. It's fine.
I see enough of him as it is. That's nice.
Nobody asked me if I'm all right about him coming! Bloody vandal!
It's all right. He's here.
Morning, Roberto. All right?
How's old tithead this morning? Behaving himself?
I thought we weren't going to have any aggro.
With my bitter and estranged wife and the neighbour from hell
in the same car? No.
You told me you'd be cool. Stop panicking. I'm winding you up.
Morning all. How are you, Maurice? All right?
What?
I'm waiting for your usual sarky comment.
Let's have it. I'm pacing myself. Don't want to peak too soon.
All right. Fine. You?
Yeah.
Kids with your mum, are they? Yes.
I thought it would be nice for them to stay with a responsible adult.
What have I done now? Fizzy drinks and chocolate.
Is that your idea of a balanced meal?
Well, they seemed to like it. Of course. They're children.
They were completely uncontrollable. They had a good time.
I know they had a good time. They always do with you. You spoil them.
You're not the one that has to drag them down from the pelmets.
I'm sorry. I'll leave them in the car next time. Don't be ridiculous.
Just be a bit more responsible. That's all I'm asking.
Whoo! Right. Yorkshire here we come.
Rob.
Oh...
Who is it? It's her.
Hey. Hey.
What the bloody hell are you doing?
What do you think? We're going to Yorkshire, aren't we?
No. You're going to Dungeness. You said we couldn't.
We're going to Yorkshire instead. I said WE couldn't go to Dungeness
because WE were going to Yorkshire. Do you see?
It's two different we's. Oh, no.
No, I didn't get that at all.
Anyway, I'm here now.
Yeah, I can see you're here now. Where do you want me? At home.
(GIGGLES) You. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where the bloody hell do you think you're going?
I'm getting in. You're not listening to me.
You cannot come with us.
Leone's here.
So what? So what?!
I can't have you and her in the same car.
Well, this is a turn-up, isn't it?
Oh, be quiet, Maurice.
And stop drumming on Mother.
Would you like me to have a word? Explain things. No.
It's fine. Tell her she can come.
What?! Tell her, will you, Dave?
Well, I don't think that's such a good idea, do you?
It's fine. Honestly. Yeah, but she's the woman who... I know who she is.
Just tell her she can come, will you? Please? OK.
I hope you know what you're doing.
I can't see any sense in this at all.
I'm not giving him the satisfaction of thinking I'm bothered.
He's got another woman, so bloody what?
Well, that's very...erm...
grown-up.
Anyway, it's not me who's going to feel embarrassed. It's him.
And it serves him right as well.
Hello.
Excuse me.
Up front.
You want me? Yeah.
I just wanted to say I hope this isn't too awkward for you.
Oh, it's fine. I could have died when Robbie told me
his ex-wife was on board. Er...not ex.
I'm STILL his wife.
You're his wife? Yes.
That's Leone? Yes.
So who's she then?
SHE is Cath. Dave's wife.
Oh, I got it all mixed up.
You're not at all like he described.
How was that, Rob?
Yes, how WAS that, Rob?
Oh, God!
Actually, that's easier. Means I don't have to shout.
As I was saying. I hope this isn't too awkward for you.
It's not awkward in the least. It's fine.
Oh. Good.
They you are, you see. She's not unreasonable at all.
You should have heard him just now. He was all over the place.
You see, what blokes don't get is that women can handle
awkward situations like this.
Cos we're more mature. Don't you think?
Yeah. Well, maybe.
Yeah. You see?
Isn't she nice?
Yeah. Terrific.
Unreasonable, Rob? I don't even remember saying it!
Yeah, you did. When we first started seeing each other.
Yeah. All right. Can we just...? Please?
Thank you.
Sorry.
Maurice!
I'm not going to light it. It's a comfort thing.
Get yourself a dummy. That thing stinks.
What do you say to the kids?
I don't say anything about you.
Do you think my pipe smells, Cathy? Don't drag Cath into this.
Yes, it bloody stinks. Oh, shut up, the lot of you! I've had enough.
We're not even at Swanley.
All you've done is bicker and snipe like schoolchildren.
Well, it can stop right now. All right?
We're going to scatter Grace's mum's ashes
and we're going to have a right laugh doing it. I know it came out wrong,
but you know what I mean. No, you're absolutely right.
We should have a good time. This trip should be fun.
Goodness knows my mother liked a laugh.
Really? I must have been out that afternoon.
Oi! That hurt.
Right. So no more arguing. No more sniping.
All right?
Sorry, Dave.
Yes, sorry, Dave. Sorry.
# We're all going on a summer holiday
# No more working for a week or two
GRACE AND DAVE: # Fun and laughter on a summer holiday
# No more worry for me and you, for a week or two
# We're going where the sun shines brightly
# We're going where the sea is blue #
RADIO: # I-I-I...
I will always love you # Making good time.
Where are we stopping for lunch? This little place called The George.
In Stamford. It's like a little coaching inn.
Ooh, that sounds nice. I bet it's expensive.
Then it's off to Leeds. Check in.
Erm...I've got to have a shufty round the exhibition.
Back for dinner. Sunday morning, drop off the parcel.
Go up to the moors about noon, if that's all right, Grace.
Yeah, fine with me.
RADIO: It's Sam with the traffic news. What's happening?
Well, Roy, we're just getting news of an oil spillage on the A1
south of Wansford. Traffic is tailing back to junction 17 on the A1(M).
Police are advising drivers to find alternative routes.
We'll update you with more info as we get it.
We'd best find a way round it. You got an atlas in the car, Dave?
I don't need an atlas, I've got a compass in my head, eh?
So, here are our choices. Garthorpe, Sproxton, Teigh, Wy-mond-ham.
Come on, then, Cochise,
which one? I don't know. Er...
What is it that stops men looking at maps?
It's like they're afraid to admit they need help.
It's the same with instruction books.
Whenever we bought something new, Rob would shove them in the drawer.
My Dave does that.
He'll never refer to them. Even when things start going wrong.
They never want to admit defeat. Always think they know better.
I reckon...
..it's an ego thing.
So, come on, then. Make a decision.
Garthorpe. Why don't we retrace our steps
and go back to the last main road?
Why don't you just -
Actually, that's not a bad idea, as it happens.
We're turning around. It was my idea.
CRUNCH
Oh! Is everyone all right?
Oh, I think so. Nothing broken.
Is Mum all right?
JACKIE: Did Dave mean to do that?
Bloody hell!
Anything? Nah. You?
Nope.
Maybe we should get Bald Eagle to send a smoke signal.
I'll walk down and see if I can find a house. Coming, Maurice?
We're going for help. Oh, all right, love.
Rob.
Yep. I won't be long, love.
It's not the end of the world, matey boy. These things happen.
Every time we get into a car together.
It never used to be like this.
It only started going pear-shaped when old tithead came on board!
Are you having a go at me again? It needs to be said.
The name Jonah does spring to mind. Thanks very much.
I suppose it's only a matter of time before you chuck me out the car
and drive off without me. Works for me. Dave? Leave him alone.
Haven't you got lovely skin?
Sorry?
I noticed it straight off. It's really creamy.
Well, thank you.
You see when you get to her age,
you expect skin to get wrinkled and leathery.
Oh, do you?
Oh, no, don't take it like that, Grace.
There's loads you can do. Come into the salon. I'll sort you out.
Come Wednesdays. It's half price for old people.
How could I refuse (?)
You can come too, Cath.
Get your sebaceous ducts sorted out.
My what? Your sebaceous ducts.
They're overactive.
That's what you've got such terrible oily pores.
You need a good astringent, you do. Proper cleanser.
Come in for a scrub.
But you...
well, there's nothing to do there, is there?
Fabulous complexion.
What moisturiser do you use? Don't do this.
Don't do what? Don't try and be my friend. I'm not interested.
No, I wasn't. I was just saying -
I know, but I don't want you hear it.
Right. Let's get one thing straight.
You are here because I didn't want Rob thinking he had one over on me.
Nothing more. OK.
Do you think it's open?
Not since 1941.
It says it's open.
Hello? Anyone home?
DAD!
Afternoon, gents.
Hiya. Erm...
I wonder if you could help us. We've driven the car into a ditch
a couple of miles up the road. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Well, we best tow you out, then.
Roland, get the truck.
Have you sorted in no time.
How's it looking?
You've cracked the flange on your axle casing.
Is that bad?
It's quiet here, innit? Can't be much passing trade.
None. No-one ever comes to Little Missingham. Ever.
No. Not any more. Not since t'bypass come through.
Bypass?
I'm surprised you didn't see it. It's only a quarter of a mile
from where you were.
"I've got a compass in my head," he says.
Shame you haven't got something more useful like a brain. Thank you.
So how do you make a living right out here?
As well as the garage, I've got the beetroot farm.
And young Roland, here, well, he's the real businessman.
He sells these late-flowering geraniums in the village.
Roland, I've got to talk to Harvey about getting parts for the car.
Why don't you show the folk your greenhouse? Oh, no, Dad.
They won't be interested in that. Course they will. Go on.
Give 'em the guided tour.
Right. Well I'm game.
Yeah, me too. Yeah.
No, let's go for a nice walk.
Oh. OK.
I'll see you in a bit. Come on, then, Pumpkin.
Oh, yeah. Off you go, Pumpkin.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is she?
Oh, she's typical. Believe me.
Oh, you've been busy.
Yeah, hasn't he just?
Here, Rob, aren't these...?
BOTH: Late-flowering geraniums.
They're not very colourful, are they? They haven't flowered yet.
Just the one variety you grow, is it?
Yeah. They've very popular. I'll bet they are.
So, this is it, is it?
Well, I've got two more polytunnels. Eh?
What's in them? The same.
Oh, really. Really?
Yeah, well...
..thanks for the tour. Very...educational.
I think I'll go back and join the others.
Yeah, I think I'll come with you.
Are you coming, Rob? Yeah. I'll just be a minute.
Three greenhouses? You must be making a fortune.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, please! Late-flowering geraniums?
Give me a break! If this lot caught fire half the county'd be stoned.
Oh, look...you're not going to say anything to anybody, are you?
No, we're cool.
Erm...listen, you haven't got any that's good to go, have you?
Now, there's an unlikely pairing.
Want to watch your step, Grace.
She'll be running off with your Maurice next.
She'll have to stop every five minutes
so he can catch his breath. (GIGGLES)
Well, how was it? A bit boring, really.
He only grows one type of plant.
So, we're off to Yorkshire, then? Hopefully.
Why Yorkshire? Oh, because it was one of my mum's favourite places.
She thought it was very romantic.
Well, she's not wrong there.
You watch Emmerdale or Heartbeat.
There's always a good love story in them. OK.
Right. How we doing?
We're still waiting to hear about the car.
Well, I'm afraid I can't get the parts till Tuesday. What do we do?
Ah, well...I might be able to help you there.
There you go. Beauty, isn't she?
Of all the words to describe it, beauty wouldn't be top of my list.
Eh, don't be fooled by her looks. She's a little classic. Hiya.
Oh, hello. We were wondering when you were gonna get back.
Yeah. We've just been off...exploring.
Yeah, we heard you exploring. Did you?
(I told you.) So, what's the news on the car?
We've cracked the flange and the axle casing.
Yeah, we know that, Jackie.
So, can you fix it?
Not till Tuesday so I've suggested you borrow this.
You can return it when you pick up the Peugeot. That's very kind.
That'll only take five and there's seven of us here. Eight with Mum.
Not a problem. Chugger Milburn rents out cars.
Roland'll run you over to his place. There you go.
You girls take the car and we'll see you later.
Oh, lovely. We'll have a girlie day out. Hey, girls?
Ooh, great (!)
Right. Shall I drive? Do you know where we're going? No.
We can't make a big a mess of it than they did.
Go down there five miles and you'll see the signs for the main road.
Take care, darling. You too. You drive safely.
Mind how you go, Maurice and look after mum.
No problem. She's in safe hands. See you later, Babe.
Yeah. OK.
Keep your mobile switched on. We'll keep in touch. Righto.
Here. I can see the road.
Yeah. Well, we can all see the road. No, down here through the floor.
Bye-bye.
Right. Let's get you lads sorted.
I don't know what Vernon's on. I've not hired cars here for years.
No, it's aircraft these days.
A bit of local crop spraying and a bit of charter.
Charter, eh? Perfect.
Eh? How much to fly us to Yorkshire?
Three of you? £600.
600 quid?! That's a bit too much for us.
Sorry. Can't do it any cheaper, I'm afraid.
We'll go to the main road and find our way to town.
Thanks anyway. 600 quid!
Arrgghh!
It's all right. It's all right. Don't panic.
OK. Now, she's just lying there.
So all we have to do is scoop her up, stick her back in the urn,
and no-one will be any the wiser. Great idea, Robbie.
You get some paper. I'll find a brush. Have you got a brush?
Good idea.
HELICOPTER APPROACHES
Do you know what's wrong with it?
Nope. So why are you staring at the engine?
It's what Dave does.
Does it make any difference? No.
It just stares at it, swears at it, then calls the AA.
Hey, hey.
Oh, this is an adventure, isn't it, eh, boys?
Oh, we're having a right laugh.
Oh, side-splitting (!)
I have never been so happy (!)
Mind you, I suppose we should be grateful this thing's empty
and not full of pigs or are you saving that for the way home?
Oh, you're not going to light up again, are you?
Yes, I am. I'm going to be smoking all the way to Yorkshire.
I've got to fill this thing somehow.
There's hardly any of her in here.
MOBILE RINGS
Ooh, eh, excellent. Got a signal again.
This'll be Cath.
Hello, sexy. How's it going? I'm very well, thank you, David.
And thank you for the unexpected compliment.
Hello, Marcus. I thought it was Cath.
Oh, it's an easy mistake to make.
So, how is the trip going?
The trip? Oh, yeah. It's going very well. Yeah. No problem at all.
I'll be there in the morning to meet your brother-in-law. You reckon?
Excellent. I knew I'd chosen the right man for the job.
Do give my best wishes to Rob.
I assume you bought him crayons and a colouring book for the journey.
(CHUCKLES) What's he saying?
Yeah. He sends his best wishes.
All right, Marcus. I'll see you later.
Yes. Bye.
Leone... Mm-hm.
I'm really sorry.
It's not your fault we've broken down.
No, I mean what's happened with Rob and me.
You know - Look, Jackie, Rob is Rob.
If it wasn't you, it'd be somebody else.
You're not the first. You're probably not even the 21st.
I don't know why he does it.
You're really nice and I know he still worries about you.
Does he? Good.
Right. It looks like we're walking.
But what about this thing? We can't just leave it here.
Course we can. We'll get Dave to sort it out later.
We're walking.
What have you got in that thing? Oh, just a few bits and bobs.
Right. Well, let's see if we can find a bus stop.
I can't believe you lot. I mean, why walk when there are cars passing by?
Leave it to me.
There you go! Rock'n'roll.
Are you going anywhere near Leeds? Yeah, I am.
So what do you reckon Marcus has given his brother-in-law?
Ooh, I don't know.
Probably something expensive, though.
Er...what? Crystal glasses or...?
Laptop. Could be money.
That's a bit impersonal, isn't it?
It's like giving someone a book token.
No, I mean, a lot of money.
Like a box full.
Why would he give him that?
Ooh, maybe this bloke isn't Marcus's brother-in-law at all.
Maybe this is a payoff for services rendered.
One of Marcus's dodgy deals.
You really do see the worst in people, don't you, Rob? I do my best.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Ohh!
I wonder where we are?
Can't see much.
Er...hey...
Some ducks. No, hang on a minute.
No, that's a goose.
Hey, Rob, it's a swan.
Hey-hey-hey. Beautiful bird, that.
Thank you so much for stopping. You've really got us out of a jam.
Well, I'm going to Knaresborough, which is not a million miles away.
I can hardly leave such attractive women standing by the roadside.
(JACKIE GIGGLES COQUETTISHLY) Ta! Erm...this is Grace.
Thank you so much. Cath.
Jackie and I'm Leone.
Hi. I'm Ben.
(CHUCKLES)
(CONTINUES TO CHUCKLE)
Maurice, open the lid.
Come on. There you go.
There you go. Ta.
(GIGGLES) She's putting on weight!
(SNIGGERS) Do you get it?
Putting on weight. It's hysterical.
Eh, good news, lads. There's a station just up the road.
Station means trains. Trains means Intercity.
We'll be in Yorkshire in no time. Great.
She's gonna bring the food over in a minute. Oh, right.
Come on, Elsie, you come and sit near me.
This is the quietest she's been in years.
(SNIGGERS)
(SLURS) Did I tell you she's putting on weight?
Elsie putting on weight!
You all right, Maurice?
Ye-e-es! What's up with him?
Erm...well, let's just say he's not exactly smoking St Bruno.
Eh? Well, you know those late-flowering geraniums?
Hm. They weren't late-flowering geraniums.
I'm not with you, matey boy. OK. Erm...
Maurice has gone to pot.
(SINGS) Puff The Magic Dragon.
I don't believe you.
You wicked bugger!
It's the happiest I've seen him. Right.
Here we are then. Who's the battered cod?
BOTH: He is!
(CHORTLES) I'm the battered cod!
(LAUGHS GUSTILY)
And here's your cutlery.
Thank you very much.
Oh, dear.
Elsie's got sloshed.
(SNIGGERS)
So I'm guessing from your accent that Knaresborough isn't home.
No, I'm from Toronto. Oh, Canada!
Oh, that wonderful scenery.
The Rockies and the pine forests and the lakes. Fantastic.
Sounds like you've been. What? With my husband?
I'm lucky to get to Leeds.
So, what's in Knaresborough? I got family there.
Visiting for the weekend. From Canada?
No. No. I live in the UK now.
Really? Fancy?
Hello? Dave?
Dave?! Hiya, it's me!
Sorry, Dave. I can barely hear you.
What? What's that noise?
It's a long story, Cath. I'm afraid we're on foot now.
It's all right cos there's a train station just up the road.
It's...erm...well, it's a bit complicated. Yeah.
Yeah, I'll call you in a bit, love. Bye-bye.
Still looks a bit pasty. Hmm.
No. I love the cinema. I just prefer to go to the theatre. Me too.
I never get a chance to go.
Rob's idea of the performing arts generally involved
a girl in high heels and a chromium-plated pole.
So, who's Rob? Rob's my husband.
For the time being. Yes. Thank you, Cath.
They've separated. Yes, we've separated.
They're living completely apart.
Yes, all right.
Sorry to hear that. Well, it was one of those things.
He started playing around with another woman.
That'd be me.
That'd be her.
Oooh-oh. Here we go.
There doesn't seem to be anybody about. We'll pay on the train.
TRAIN TOOTS How's that for timing?
Where's this going? Hogwarts?
Towns mean trains and trains mean Intercity, huh?
Look at it.
The countryside's a blur.
(IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE)
You all right there, Maurice?
Yeah. I know this may seem daft...
but I've got this really strange feeling I've gone back in time.
Oh, you have, mate.
Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson are in the next compartment. Really?
(CHUCKLES) It's cold in here.
It's not exactly the Orient Express, is it?
Stop moaning, will you? We're nearly at a town.
When we get there, we'll hire a car and we'll be fine. I suppose.
No sign of 'em. I expect they're in the first class.
Yeah, that'll be it.
Course, it might not be money. Eh?
In there. It might be drugs.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, you may laugh, mate, but to me it's glaringly obvious.
Yes, Marcus Forster is probably Marcus Escobar.
Drug baron.
And even as we speak, he's sorting out his next shipment from Columbia.
That's it. Why didn't I see it?
He's got us delivering his drugs for him. What we carrying?
Viagra? Paracetamol?
What do you mean "we"? You're the one he asked. You're his mule.
Mule? Yeah, mule.
You know. Some mug employed by a drug dealer
to shove half a ton of cocaine up his jacksy
and smuggle it into the country. You're lucky he gave you a box.
Here, I don't want anything to do with drugs.
(SNIGGERS)
MOBILE RINGS Oh, hang on.
It's Cath. Hiya, love.
Oh, we're on a train at last.
Where are you? Oh, right.
Eh?
Who's Ben?
Leone? What?
Oh, nothing.
Eh?
Where are we, Rob? Erm...
Just coming through Trumpton.
Er...we're not sure.
Listen, give us a call when you get to the hotel.
Pretty tired really.
Why?
Oh, give it a rest, Cath.
Remember what I said about the lawn mower.
Yeah.
See you later.
You don't want to know.
Oooh-ooh! Ssh!
Ssssh!
Oooh-oooh!
Well, he seems nice. Who?
Who? Who do you think?
Oh, yes.
He fancies you. No. He does.
What you going to do about it? Do? I'm not going to do anything.
You may have forgotten but I'm a married woman.
Yes, isn't that your husband's mistress over there?
Listen, what's sauce for the goose...
Oh, for goodness sake, Grace. I'm just coming out of one relationship.
The last thing I need is to step into another one.
I'm not suggesting you should marry, I'm saying...
don't be negative. Take a chance.
You don't know where these things can lead.
This could be fate. Yes. Well...
it was fate that brought me and Rob together. This could be different.
I mean, look at him.
He's got a lovely smile. Obviously well set up.
I bet he's dynamite in bed. Grace!
I'll ask him. Will you stop it?
# We're on the road again...
# We're on the road again #
Do you need me to navigate?
Oh, no. It's pretty straightforward from here.
That's what you said last time. Just before you got us all lost.
Hey...
it was nice of that train driver to give us some ash from his smoke box.
It's the warmest Elsie's been since the cremation.
That's not Elsie, Maurice. You remember.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Strange how your mind plays tricks, innit?
Anybody mind if I smoke? No. Yes!
Go on. Have a puff.
Rob!
Thanks for everything, Ben. You've been a godsend.
I'm happy to have helped.
Yeah. Thanks, babe.
Any time. It's nice meeting you.
Hope the rest of the weekend goes OK.
Ben...
are you doing anything this evening? This evening?
Yes. Because we're having dinner in the hotel
and we thought you might like to join us.
Just our way of saying thank you.
Grace, I'm sure he's got better things to do.
I'm sure he hasn't.
What do you think? Would you like to join us? Well, yeah.
I'd love to.
At one point, I thought you were going to pick me up
and throw me at him! After a couple of drinks, you'll do that yourself.
She's right, you know, Leone. Men don't react to subtlety at all.
Right. And you'd know all about subtlety, Jackie. Oh, yeah.
And, of course, Grace here knows better than I do. She's been around.
A woman of her age has years of experience. Thank you.
Years and years. Yes, I think we get the picture, thank you, Jackie.
Any news, Cath?
I've spoken to Dave. They've hired a car and will be here in an hour.
Oh, marvellous. We've got time for another drink.
Grace!
I was beginning to get quite worried about you.
I was fine. It was quite an adventure really.
We had some very interesting conversations.
And do you know what surprised me?
Rob.
He was delightful. He never once objected to me smoking my pipe.
I tell you what, though, I'm really hungry now.
When's dinner?
All right, we're eating at eight which gives me...
an hour and a half to have a quick shower
and a bit of kip.
Or something else. Eh?
Come on, Rob.
Nice hotel. Big comfy bed.
Shame to waste it. Yeah. Er...
listen, Jacks...would you mind if we didn't, only...I'm not in the mood.
Oh. What's up?
Nothing. Just don't feel like it.
Nothing to do with Leone being here, is it?
Now, what makes you say that?
No, it's nothing to do with Leone.
Oh!
I tell you what, I'm going to have a nice hot bath. Not too hot.
Remember what the doctor said. No lowering your sperm count.
I'll have that bugger struck off. And don't be too long.
We've still got time for a quickie before dinner. Cath!
Oh, come on! What?
We've got to keep trying if we're ever going to have this baby. Oh!
You and your bloody baby!
I didn't mean that I just...
It just came out.
I thought you wanted this baby as well, Dave.
I do.
You know I do. Cos if you don't...
just say. Don't do this just for my sake.
I'm not. I'm just...
I'm just tired, that's all.
I know it's been tough on you, love. Don't be daft.
I'm nagging at you all the time.
I don't mind.
I'm sorry. Don't apologise, Cath.
It's not you, it's me.
I'm scared, Dave.
I'm running out of time, here.
I can't...
just do it to order.
Can we...
can we make love cos we want to?
Yeah. Course we can.
I tell you what, I'll have a quick bath...a cold one...
You get yourself sorted and by the time I come back, I'll be ready.
How's that sound?
I've heard it expressed more romantically.
I'll settle for that.
Are you sure?
Course I am.
I love you, you know.
I love you too...
..big fella.
So, what's with the badge, then, Maurice?
It's one of the conditions of Mum's will.
There are more tomorrow.
No problem. Looking forward to it.
(DAVE PINGS GLASS)
Ladies and gents, I'd just like to say a few words.
Sssh-ssh. Dave's going to make a speech.
Yes.
Well, all I wanted to say is...
Sorry I'm late. The traffic's terrible. You must be Ben.
Pleased to meet you. I'm Dave. This is Maurice.
Grace's husband. And this is Rob...
who's very pleased to meet you, I'm sure.
Please take a seat.
Hello. Hello, how are you? Glad you made it.
Sorry. Traffic was terrible. Who's Ben?
He's the bloke that gave us the lift. Didn't I tell you? No.
Gorgeous, isn't he? Heartbreaking. What's he doing here?
Leone invited him. Did she?
I know we're...er...sorry...
I know we're all in Yorkshire for a very solemn occasion,
but it's also a very happy occasion
because tomorrow is Grace and Maurice's ruby wedding anniversary.
I know you've probably not had chance to think about it
with everything that's been going on.
We all think that moments like this should be properly recognised. No.
Just a minute, Dave. Please, Grace. Let me finish.
I also want you to know that this evening's meal is on me.
And I fully intend for us to push the boat out.
Oh, no, Dave. Hang on a minute.
Grace, please. I've had a good year and it's my pleasure.
Now, ladies and gents, would you join me
in a toast to Maurice and Grace.
Happy anniversary. IN UNISON: To Maurice and Grace.
This is very nice but it's not our anniversary.
It's in November and it's the 38th not the 40th.
But we saw the photograph in your album
of you and Maurice outside the church.
It was dated 40 years ago tomorrow.
Oh, that wasn't me.
That would have been my sister's wedding.
I was giving her away. Oh. We assumed it was you.
No, I'm sorry. We've cocked it up, haven't we?
We were going to surprise you. We've cocked it up. There's a novelty.
No, it's lovely of you.
I think we're lucky to have such good friends, don't you, Maurice?
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
You will still be paying for the dinner, Dave?
(CHUCKLES) Course I am.
I love Simon and Garfunkel. I went to their concert in Hyde Park.
So did I. Don't remember seeing you.
Oh, no. I was right at the back in the standing section.
Where were you? Well...
I bet you had front row seats, didn't you? No. No. No.
I was at least three rows back.
So, you'll come with us tomorrow morning, Rob?
Rob? Sorry. What?
Come with us tomorrow morning. Deliver the parcel. Yeah.
What's the dress code for tomorrow? I've never scattered ashes before.
Oh, don't wear your Sunday best, for goodness sake.
Am I still carrying the urn tomorrow? Oh, yes.
Right.
How many more conditions are there, Grace? Not many.
And in return for doing them I get two very nice clocks.
Stop it!
Have you seen all this? Up the end?
She's doing it deliberately to wind me up. Just ignore it, mate.
It's nothing. I'm not sitting here watching this.
Well, here we are. Yep.
Here we are. I told you I could find it on my own.
Resourceful girl. I'm really sorry I kept you up so late.
I completely lost track of time.
Well, do you hear me complaining?
No.
I've had a really nice time tonight, Ben.
What's this? Are we going somewhere?
Not "we", babe, just me.
Oh, what's wrong? Nothing.
You don't pack a bag in the middle of the night over nothing.
Is it something I said? Nothing you've said, Rob.
It's just time for me to go, that's all.
At one o'clock in the morning?
Look, Rob...
..when we first started this it was just for a laugh.
Two married people having a bit on the side.
Well, it's exciting, isn't it?
Very. So what's changed?
I met Leone. That's what changed.
I quite like her.
Yeah, well, I like her too.
It's more than that, Rob.
You should have seen the way you looked at her across the table.
You couldn't take your eyes off her. That was because
I was finding it strange watching her flirt with Ben all night.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry if I cut you out of things. I was probably jealous.
What I saw was more than jealousy, babe.
I think you've still got it big time for her.
Now, Jacks, please don't be silly.
I know what I saw.
I know you think I'm dippy, and maybe I am,
but I'm not stupid.
Better if I just get out the way.
Look, I've got to run.
I've got a taxi coming.
The train's at two.
Jacks...
please.
Thanks for everything, sweetheart.
Take care.
The thing is, when you boil it all down...
..we're just a tiny speck in the universe.
A 60-watt bulb in the star-spangled cosmos.
A crumb on the tablecloth of life.
It's a very humbling experience.
Don't you think so?
Yes, of course you do.
You're even lower down the evolutionary scale than I am.
No, I wouldn't have said so.
Don't get me wrong, old chap, I wasn't being offensive. Maurice! Yes?
Behind you.
Oh, hello, Grace. What are you playing at?
I was just finishing a pipe and having a bit of a chat with Archie.
Has he got much to say for himself? No, not really.
Oh, hello. You off somewhere? Yeah. Home.
At this time of night? Why?
I think we both know the answer to that one, eh? You were at dinner.
Yes. Well...
I wish you luck, Jackie. Oh, thanks.
It's been nice meeting you, Grace.
And you too, Maurice. Yeah. Cheerio.
Hope it all goes OK for you tomorrow.
Oh, thank you. Safe journey.
Ta.
Hm. Someone's smoking dope.
Dope?
You know, dope. Grass. The old wacky baccy.
Well, you must be able to smell it.
Oh, well...better go.
Ta-ra, then.
Bye-bye. Bye.
I think we'd better get you to bed, Maurice.
I'll just finish this. I think you've had enough. Really?
Well, I'll be up in a minute.
Be sure you are.
Dear, dear, dear.
There's women for you, Archie. They're a breed apart.
All right. Morning.
So...erm...no Ben?
No. No Jackie?
No, she had to get back. A family crisis. Really?
That's not what I heard from Grace.
Oh. Right.
So you know.
Fine.
Well, so what? These things happen.
Yeah, they do.
So, your Mountie didn't fancy sticking around
for the scattering of the ashes, then?
No. Well, it's nothing to do with him, is it?
He's not one of our friends.
He seemed pretty friendly with you during dinner and AFTER dinner.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm surprised he didn't stick around.
Had his quickie and then went home, eh? Shut up!
I never thought you'd be the sort to go in for a one night stand.
Well, who says it was a "one night stand"?
Oh, you're seeing him again. That's nice. I've got his number.
Oh. Honestly. I'm happy for you. Will you just grow up?!
There wasn't any one night stand. You just said there was.
No. YOU just said there was.
You're quick to make assumptions and you assume people behave like you.
They don't. Don't play Little Miss Innocent with me.
I saw him go into your room! Yeah. To write his number down, Rob.
That is all. Then he went home.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. Exactly.
Hiya.
MOBILE RINGS
Oh. Hello.
Good morning. Marcus here. Hello, Marcus. How are you?
Fine. Thank you. I trust all is well.
Oh. Perfect. All going to plan.
I've got your package. Delighted to hear it.
As luck would have it, my wife's ghastly family left late last night
in high dudgeon. I can't imagine what upset them.
I'm now in a position to present the gift myself.
Even as we speak, I'm heading up to Leeds to join you.
Oh, right. I've spoken with my brother-in-law
and we've moved the meeting to 11. Is that all right?
Absolutely fine. Yeah.
Right. Well, I'll see you then.
Bye.
Well, Grace, big day, eh?
Yes. Are you going to be all right?
Oh, I think so.
I'm sorry about your mum. I really am.
Don't be silly. I know you never liked her.
I know but that's not the issue, is it?
It's about how you feel.
Losing a parent even at our age... well...
it's not easy, is it? No.
You're going to miss her a lot. It's sad.
Yes, it is.
So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Tell me, how long does probate normally take?
Actually, perhaps now would be a good time
to tell you about Mum's other conditions.
Right.
This is a bit cloak and dagger, innit?
It's just somewhere to meet. Easy to find.
Dave, you hand over a birthday present in a hotel room
or a coffee bar or in someone's front room.
You don't go skulking around a deserted car park. Give over.
Hey, do you reckon that's him?
The brother-in-law.
Dunno. Probably.
You've got to admit this is all a bit iffy.
(SIGHS)
Good morning, Warren. Good to see you.
Good morning, David. Oh, you've brought your little friend.
Good morning, Rob. Hi, Marcus.
Let me introduce you. Warren, this is David and Rob.
Pleased to meet you. Oh, here you are.
Safe and sound. Excellent. Thank you so very much.
Warren, this is for you. Thanks, Marcus.
Very kind.
I don't think we need to detain you any longer, David.
I know you've got things to do. Nothing that won't keep.
Go on, Warren. Let's see what he's got you.
All right.
There we are, you see. It's a briefcase.
Yeah, but what's inside? Care to share, Marcus?
What? And spoil the surprise?
What is it? Money? Yeah, I bet it is. One of your little backhanders.
Enough, Rob. It's nice to meet you, Warren. We'll say our goodbyes.
No. No. No. I want to see what's inside. You can't.
You're making a fool of yourself. Am I? There's one way to find out.
Rob! No! Rob!
Let go. Let go!
Get off!
Ah.
That camera cost more than £4,000.
I don't quite know what to say, Marcus.
I can only apologise, Warren. There must be summat I can do.
You've done more than enough.
It would be best if you just left.
Yeah, but I - NOW! Please.
Three quarters of my work is tied up with him and you ballsed it up.
You chucked it over the side. You let go! You TOLD me to!
(SIGHS)
I am so very sorry about that, Warren.
One would have thought that even a cretin like David
could have managed such a simple task but even this was beyond him.
Ah, well, no matter.
We'll have to think of some other way of thanking you
for pushing through our planning application.
David.
I came back to offer to buy Warren a new camera but Rob was right.
You made such a fool out of me.
Oh, spare me the anguish, please, David. It's called business.
It's called fraud, actually.
I bet the council will be interested to know what you've been up to.
I see. You do realise that any move in that direction
would mean the end of our working relationship
and that would mean a substantial hole in your business, would it not?
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
Maybe I should stop and think about it.
I've thought about it. Shove it.
Do hurry up, Maurice, you're going to make us late.
I'm not sure I want to come along now.
Oh, well that's your choice, dear.
I'll just phone Patrick and tell him he can have the clocks, shall I?
Grace. Grace!
GRACE!
HORN
Hey, Rob, not a word to Cath about what just happened.
I'll break it to her in my own time.
Come along, dear.
Oh, have a look at this!
Very nice, Maurice. Very nice.
I think it's very brave to choose this weekend,
with all of us here, to come out as a cross-dresser.
Here we go.
Let's have it. Let's get it over and done with.
Oh, no, no, mate. I'm gonna make this last.
(CHUCKLES) I wish I had a camera.
Sorry, Dave. What's going on?
Try not to draw attention to it.
He's feeling a bit conspicuous. Draw attention to it.
He looks like Hyacinth Bucket.
It's just another thing Elsie wanted. God bless her.
What? And he has to dress up in all that lot?
Until the ashes are scattered. Any time anyone says, "Elsie."
God bless her. He has to say that.
(CHUCKLES) So, if I say, "Elsie",
God bless her. Or Dave says, "Elsie", "Elsie."
God bless her. Or even if you say, "Elsie", God bless her
he has to say, "God bless her." Yes, but let's not overdo it, Rob.
I'll try but I can't promise, Grace. This is too much fun.
Come on. Let's get loaded up. In you get, girls.
He's talking to you, gorgeous. Pack it in.
OK. So where now?
The top of the moors. About three miles or so that way.
Three MILES? I'm not walking three miles. I get tired driving that far.
You can always stay in the van if you're not up to it, Rob.
Why can't we scatter the old girl here. What difference does it make?
Mum was specific. It has to be the top of the moors. Does it matter?
I mean it's not as if it's her in the urn.
What? What?
What do you mean she's not in the urn?
Oh, no, she's in the urn. Of course she's in the urn.
What I mean is, it's not the actual person in the urn.
You know? That warm, lovable human being we all knew and loved.
Elsie.
God bless her. Yes. Thank you, miss.
I mean, it's just her remains.
Oh, I see. So my point is...
Is what Rob?
My point is...
that since she has been reduced to a pile of ash,
what difference would it make if we just scattered her here?
Well, you seem to forget her spirit, Rob.
You see, I firmly believe that she's up there right now
looking down on us.
Shall we crack on?
Come on then, Doris.
Oh, sorry. Maurice.
Lead on.
Nifty bit of footwork there, matey boy.
Thank you.
Come on, dear.
They're supposed to be frail pensioners, look at 'em go!
Haven't they heard of osteoporosis? Have you heard these two?
I know. It's pathetic.
Keep going. Think of the nice lunch we'll have when we get back.
IF we get back.
Leone.
Can I say something? What?
I'm very sorry for what I said earlier about you and Ben.
I was out of order. Yeah, you were.
It was just seeing you and him together like that at dinner.
It freaked me out. It's just jealousy, Rob, that's all.
Jackie thought there was more to it than that. Did she?
She thought you and I had unfinished business. Good old Jackie.
First she's a mistress, now she's a marriage guidance counsellor.
Come on, Lone.
She went home because she didn't want to be in the way. Of what?
Of us. There isn't an "us" any more, Rob.
You were pretty quick to tell her we were still married.
Only technically. It's just a bit of paper. Look...
we vowed to be together for better or worse.
There was also the little matter of "forsaking all others".
Yeah. Well...maybe I should have done more forsaking
but, like I said, we are still married.
And like I said Rob, only technically.
Here, don't expect too much tonight, Cath, I'm knackered.
It's all right, love, you're excused duty for a few days.
That's a shame. I was just beginning to get the hang of it.
(GIGGLES)
Oh! Look at this view, Maurice!
It's perfect.
BAG CLANKS
Yes, just pop it down there. Then we can get set up.
Set up?
Look, I know I've been an idiot.
I know I've treated you badly and I'm sorry.
I really am.
OK.
And I want to come home.
Oh, Rob, it's - No, please. Hear me out.
It's taken me being away from you to realise how much I miss you.
I miss being with you. I miss being with the kids.
I miss everything we had.
I can't, Rob.
I can't go through all that again.
You broke my heart.
I know. You made me feel stupid.
I won't be humiliated like that. I can't put myself through it.
And you won't have to.
Look...
let me come home and I promise -
No, don't promise, Rob! All right. All right.
No promises.
Take me back and I will try.
I really will try...
to do better.
Please.
Come on. We're keeping the others waiting.
(LAUGHS)
What's all this about?
All in good time. What's Miss Marple up to now?
(CHUCKLES)
Now, if you'd all like to form a semicircle around here.
Right. Shall we start?
I'd just like to say a few words about my Mum, Elsie.
God bless her.
Elsie... God bless her.
was a remarkable person.
She was optimistic and positive.
She always gave me and my sister great encouragement.
She was a very generous person who gave regularly to good causes.
Some people thought she was a little eccentric.
(SNIGGERS)
But those of us who knew her realised she was just a quirky soul
with a great sense of fun.
Mum loved Yorkshire and wanted this beautiful spot
to be her final resting place.
Now, I hope you'll all enjoy one of Mum's favourite songs.
# Doe, a deer, a female deer
# Ray, a drop of golden sun
She loved the Sound of Music.
# Me, a name I call myself
# Far, a long, long way to run
# Sew, a needle pulling thread
# La, a note to follow sew
# Tea, a drink with jam and bread
# That will bring us back to doe
# A deer, a female deer Hello, we're going round again.
# Ray, a drop of golden sun
# Me, a name I call myself
# Far, a long, long way to run
# Sew, a needle pulling thread
# La, a note to follow sew
# Tea, a drink with jam and bread
# That will bring us back to doe!
# A deer, a female deer #
Yes, that's enough, Maurice. Thanks. Oh, sorry.
I couldn't seem to find a way of stopping. OK.
Are we ready?
Just say the word.
Goodbye, Mum. God bless.
Bye, Elsie. Bye-bye, Elsie.
SHOTGUN CLICKS, GUNSHOT
Bloody hell!
Well, I said she was quirky.
Oh!
(COUGHS)
Cigarette ends?
Well, it was probably in her pocket when she was cremated.
No, the shotgun was all Mum's idea.
She said she wanted to go out with a bang.
Where'd you get it from? It was my Dad's.
It's been in the loft for years.
Really? If I'd have known it was there,
I could have seen the old girl off years ago.
Where's Rob and Leone?
Here they come.
You all right, Robbie? Perfect, thank you, matey boy.
Good.
Grace, do you think I could take some of this stuff off now?
I think I've humiliated myself enough, don't you? Yes, love.
You've been very good. I tell you what, I could murder a drink.
So could I. Oh, yeah. That's right.
Go on off without me. Don't worry about me. Do you want a hand?
It's all right.
So, are you two getting together again, then?
Thought we might, yeah.
Is that a good idea, Leone? It's not too late to change your mind.
Actually, Maurice, we think you should know the whole story.
Me and Leone are thinking of renewing our marriage vows.
What? Really? Yeah.
And we would be honoured if you would consent to be our bridesmaid.
Bloody hell!
Here we go again!
Eh, I bet your mum must be laughing her socks off
at what poor Maurice has had to do this weekend.
Oh, I do hope so.
When did she come up with all those daft things? SHE didn't.
I did. He's going be furious when he finds out.
And even more furious when he finds out
his precious clocks are worthless!
subtitles by Deluxe