1 00:00:41,641 --> 00:00:44,439 What happened there? I just don't understand it. 2 00:00:44,577 --> 00:00:48,513 I made all the right moves. I winked. I smiled - 3 00:00:48,648 --> 00:00:50,513 one of my nice ones as well. 4 00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:54,586 I sat down very nicely, leant forward, put on my special eyes 5 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:58,623 and said, "Hello, big tits, looking for some action?" 6 00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:02,125 - And what did she say? - I think she said, "No", didn't she? 7 00:01:02,262 --> 00:01:03,661 That's right - no! 8 00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:09,235 Blasted lesbians everywhere! They should have labels on them or something! 9 00:01:09,369 --> 00:01:11,030 I wasted half an hour on those two, 10 00:01:11,171 --> 00:01:15,608 prancing up and down, winking, clenching me buttocks. 11 00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,405 Backwards and forwards to the gents I was going. Look at this! 12 00:01:19,546 --> 00:01:23,038 I've got armfuls of gonad enhancers down here! 13 00:01:25,718 --> 00:01:28,278 I don't think they were lesbians, Richie, 14 00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:30,912 'cause they got off with those other blokes. 15 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:37,155 Those handsomer... wittier... Well, basically, those two guys 16 00:01:37,297 --> 00:01:40,289 that didn't have a load of toilet paper stuffed down their trousers. 17 00:01:40,433 --> 00:01:43,834 You hardly helped, stuffing a Vimto bottle down your pants 18 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,996 and shouting, "Looking for the Eiffel Tower, girls?" 19 00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:49,404 I got a result. 20 00:01:49,542 --> 00:01:52,170 I don't call a kick in the knackers a result! 21 00:01:52,312 --> 00:01:53,973 A free drink! 22 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:56,241 A kick in the knackers and a vodka in the face. 23 00:01:56,382 --> 00:01:59,442 Always keep your mouth open when you insult a lady! 24 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,151 What a waste of time! 25 00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:07,623 If only I could just get one of them to do it with me. 26 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:11,218 Anybody! Just to do it with me. 27 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,559 Just once. 28 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,100 Just to find out what it's like. 29 00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:17,601 I mean, look. 30 00:02:17,737 --> 00:02:19,967 Look all around you. 31 00:02:20,106 --> 00:02:22,597 Friday night, and everywhere you look, 32 00:02:22,742 --> 00:02:26,542 there's buildings full of people all doing it. 33 00:02:26,679 --> 00:02:29,807 All doing it and doing it, and then stopping and having a fag 34 00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:31,974 and then doing it a bit more. 35 00:02:32,118 --> 00:02:34,951 There's not a single one of 'em saying, "Hang on a minute. 36 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:38,854 "This really isn't fair. I mean, here's us doing it, 37 00:02:38,992 --> 00:02:42,257 "and there's poor old Richie and he hasn't done it - ever! 38 00:02:42,395 --> 00:02:44,693 "He hasn't got anyone to do it to. 39 00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:49,564 "Tell you what, I'll pop down and do it to him for a bit, all right?" 40 00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:51,397 I mean, it wouldn't hurt, would it? 41 00:02:51,538 --> 00:02:53,529 It'd be charitable. 42 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:57,541 I mean, just think of all those acres and acres of ladies 43 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,076 all lying there saying, 44 00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:01,737 "Come on, darling, let's do it", 45 00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:06,477 and the bloke saying, "I don't feel like it, the snooker's on." 46 00:03:06,619 --> 00:03:09,349 Well, I could be filling in for him. 47 00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:11,650 Providing a service. 48 00:03:11,791 --> 00:03:14,351 I could even charge. 49 00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:17,986 Might make a bit of money! Hey, Eddie, I've just thought of... 50 00:03:19,098 --> 00:03:21,658 What on earth are you eating? 51 00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:23,792 Lard. 52 00:03:31,077 --> 00:03:33,773 You are eating lard? 53 00:03:33,913 --> 00:03:37,906 Yeah, well, I'm hungry but I'm too drunk to cook. 54 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:41,910 All right, Eddie, I can feel the elbow in me ribs. 55 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:45,149 I'll do one of my famous Friday night fry-ups! 56 00:03:45,291 --> 00:03:47,816 Chuck us a couple of eggs. 57 00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:53,124 Ha, ha, ha! 58 00:03:53,266 --> 00:03:55,894 The old ones ARE the best ones, aren't they? 59 00:03:56,035 --> 00:03:59,402 Who needs girls when you've got your mates? 60 00:03:59,539 --> 00:04:01,871 There's some things a girl just can't appreciate, 61 00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:05,705 and Richie's Friday night fry-up is one of them! Oil! 62 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:10,308 Mazola! 63 00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:13,817 Right, then, a little dab of oil, 64 00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:16,751 my secret ingredient... 65 00:04:18,157 --> 00:04:20,523 Come on out, you know you want to! 66 00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:23,788 Come on, you've only been in there a week. 67 00:04:27,433 --> 00:04:31,062 And then just the last couple of pints... 68 00:04:35,908 --> 00:04:37,375 Oh! 69 00:04:48,021 --> 00:04:50,182 Lovely night! 70 00:04:58,698 --> 00:05:00,563 Hit that dog again! 71 00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:09,939 Why doesn't anyone ever wanna have any sex with me? 72 00:05:10,076 --> 00:05:12,271 Well, look on the bright side, 73 00:05:12,412 --> 00:05:16,439 at least you're not gonna get any sexually transmitted diseases. 74 00:05:16,582 --> 00:05:19,676 I'll be lucky to catch flu off a girl. 75 00:05:19,819 --> 00:05:21,810 The nearest I've ever got to sex 76 00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:24,787 was when that bus conductress sneezed all over me this morning. 77 00:05:24,924 --> 00:05:27,358 Talk about the Green Line! 78 00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:32,087 Oh, Eddie, 79 00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:34,324 I'm just so depressed! 80 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:38,267 Cheer up, Richie! There's loads of ugly birds in the world. 81 00:05:38,404 --> 00:05:41,430 One of 'em's bound to do it with you sooner or later. 82 00:05:41,574 --> 00:05:44,737 But there must be some way I can get a woman to sleep with me. 83 00:05:44,877 --> 00:05:49,280 Anyway, it's the staying awake bit I'm interested in. 84 00:05:49,415 --> 00:05:53,613 - I've just had a fantastic idea! - Great! 85 00:05:59,258 --> 00:06:01,283 Well? 86 00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,260 - What? - What was the fantastic idea? 87 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,797 To drink that. 88 00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:08,696 Only joking! 89 00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:12,327 Why not put an ad in a lonely hearts column? 90 00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:13,939 Yeah! 91 00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:18,601 Yeah. "Ugly virgin desperately seeks sex of any description." 92 00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:22,772 That is absolutely brilliant! 93 00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:26,180 "Suave, sophisticated, witty..." 94 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,480 Ba-ba-ba-ba! Ha, ha, ha! 95 00:06:28,621 --> 00:06:31,419 Let's just be economical with the truth. 96 00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,616 Something buck... 97 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:35,455 Hot young buck! 98 00:06:35,595 --> 00:06:36,994 What about badger? 99 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:39,894 No, no, I'm more a sort of... 100 00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:42,933 - Hedgehog! - No, fox! 101 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:45,037 That's good! No, that's good! 102 00:06:45,171 --> 00:06:46,661 No, that IS good! 103 00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:49,400 Stoat! 104 00:06:49,542 --> 00:06:52,272 Foxy stoat?! 105 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,539 Yeah! 106 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:56,773 Yeah, it's got a ring to it! 107 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,645 Foxy stoat seeks... 108 00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:00,912 Pig! 109 00:07:02,288 --> 00:07:05,689 Foxy stoat seeks pig! 110 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,850 Shut up, Eddie! 111 00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:10,224 This is very important! 112 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:13,696 Let's see, now. Foxy stoat... 113 00:07:13,833 --> 00:07:16,563 ...on the prowl... 114 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:19,296 Grrr! 115 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,963 I like that! 116 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:22,972 Musky... 117 00:07:23,109 --> 00:07:25,737 Musky fox... 118 00:07:25,878 --> 00:07:30,212 Musky, sly old foxy stoat... 119 00:07:30,883 --> 00:07:35,786 Minky, musky, sly old stoaty stoaty stoat! 120 00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:40,091 Oh, this is ridiculous! 121 00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:42,558 I'm not getting anywhere! What do they normally put? 122 00:07:42,695 --> 00:07:44,959 Hang on, here we are. 123 00:07:45,097 --> 00:07:47,622 Sad old gits section! 124 00:07:48,701 --> 00:07:50,931 Sad old gits section! 125 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,470 - Did you hear what I said? - Yes. 126 00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:57,269 I said, "Sad old gits section"! 127 00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:01,278 Please, I've only got so many ribs, Noël Coward. 128 00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:04,008 What do they normally put? 129 00:08:04,150 --> 00:08:07,677 Well, HE'S not going to get very far, is he? "Gay"? 130 00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:10,084 Don't knock it, Eddie, 131 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,589 cuts down the field for guys like us! 132 00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:14,693 Let's have a look at this. 133 00:08:14,827 --> 00:08:16,522 Gay... 134 00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:19,187 gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, widow, gay. 135 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,357 Widow! 136 00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:27,829 Widow - busty, raven-haired, millionairess... 137 00:08:27,974 --> 00:08:29,965 ...gay. 138 00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:32,808 Gay, gay... 139 00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:35,140 - This is the gay section! - Yup! 140 00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:38,979 Oh, look... 141 00:08:39,118 --> 00:08:43,521 Ooh, what's this? "Instant Sex Appeal"! You can get it in a bottle! 142 00:08:43,656 --> 00:08:45,647 Let's have a look. 143 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:51,220 "Pheromone sex scent. 144 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:54,731 "Women cannot resist this powerful love smell. 145 00:08:54,867 --> 00:08:59,497 "Scientifically distilled from mystical African orchids." Wow! 146 00:09:01,774 --> 00:09:05,972 It's medically proven! "This stuff attracts women like you would not believe - 147 00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,637 "Karachi Medical Gazette. 148 00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,843 "Available at all good sex shops." 149 00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:14,316 This is it, Eddie! 150 00:09:14,453 --> 00:09:17,115 Girl City, here we come! 151 00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:20,487 What do you think, old chum? 152 00:09:24,630 --> 00:09:27,326 Nil desperandum! 153 00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:48,646 Can I help you, sir? 154 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,115 This is a sex shop, isn't it? 155 00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:54,817 Yes. 156 00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:57,987 I'll have five quid's worth, then! 157 00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,258 I haven't heard that one before. 158 00:10:03,402 --> 00:10:05,097 Shall I tell it again? 159 00:10:05,237 --> 00:10:09,435 No. I'd rather have a pineapple inserted violently into my rectum. 160 00:10:10,576 --> 00:10:14,444 You've been working here too long, mate! 161 00:10:17,216 --> 00:10:20,083 - Can I help you, sir? - No. 162 00:10:20,219 --> 00:10:24,315 Do you wish to purchase anything to assist you with your sex life? 163 00:10:25,825 --> 00:10:29,693 What are you implying? That I'm a sexual inadequate? 164 00:10:29,829 --> 00:10:32,627 I have a full and varied sex life! 165 00:10:32,765 --> 00:10:34,960 I don't need anything from a shop like this! 166 00:10:35,101 --> 00:10:38,127 Would you get out, then, sir? 167 00:10:38,270 --> 00:10:40,670 - No. - Why not? 168 00:10:40,806 --> 00:10:44,469 It's a secret. 169 00:10:46,012 --> 00:10:48,640 OK! Two bottles of pheromone, please. 170 00:10:48,781 --> 00:10:52,717 - Pardon? - Two bottles of pheromone, please. 171 00:10:52,852 --> 00:10:57,346 That's the sex spray for inadequate men who are unable to attract women? 172 00:10:57,490 --> 00:11:00,755 - That's the one, yes. - Isn't it, sir? 173 00:11:00,893 --> 00:11:04,590 I've no idea! Not being a pervert, I'm not up on these things! 174 00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:07,028 Your sex spray, gentlemen. 175 00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,297 - I've got it! - Fantastic! 176 00:11:10,436 --> 00:11:12,563 Give me mine! Let's go! 177 00:11:12,705 --> 00:11:15,401 I mean, well done, Doctor! 178 00:11:15,541 --> 00:11:17,634 - I'm not a doctor. - Shut up! 179 00:11:17,777 --> 00:11:20,268 We are men of science. 180 00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,883 We live our lives on a higher plane 181 00:11:26,018 --> 00:11:29,112 where purity and virginity are the only things we respect! 182 00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:33,123 That's right! Let's get back to the flat, bung this on, get down the pub 183 00:11:33,259 --> 00:11:36,057 - and try to pick up some birds! - Yeah! 184 00:11:46,238 --> 00:11:51,335 Hello, baby. Feeling mysteriously drawn to me, are you? 185 00:11:51,477 --> 00:11:55,846 Well, don't you worry, you can have me whenever you like! 186 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,333 Blast these underpants! 187 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:23,374 I've been soaking them for hours and I still can't get them off. 188 00:12:24,877 --> 00:12:26,504 You know I've only one pair of pants? 189 00:12:26,645 --> 00:12:29,239 - Yeah. - The elastic went, so I glued them on. 190 00:12:29,381 --> 00:12:32,646 - Have you tried Swarfega? - This is Eternogum! 191 00:12:33,285 --> 00:12:36,812 Nothing'll shift this! I've been sitting in a bowl of petrol for two hours! 192 00:12:36,956 --> 00:12:41,086 One curry and I'll blow and take half the street with me as well! 193 00:12:41,227 --> 00:12:44,162 Don't you worry. Within the hour, 194 00:12:44,296 --> 00:12:48,596 some pheromone-crazed love goddess will be ripping them off with her teeth! 195 00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:51,361 Do you really think so? 196 00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,267 No doubt about it! 197 00:12:53,405 --> 00:12:56,897 God, I wonder what she'll find down there? 198 00:12:57,042 --> 00:13:02,002 I've had them on for three weeks. Where's that Biro? 199 00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:04,082 Right, chest hair. 200 00:13:04,216 --> 00:13:06,650 What do you think, curly or straight? 201 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,777 Curly's a bit suggestive, don't you think? 202 00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:10,889 I'd go for curly. 203 00:13:11,023 --> 00:13:13,321 Yeah, curly it is. 204 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,791 I'm not sure about the green, though. 205 00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:18,795 I used up all the black on my legs. 206 00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:23,662 Uh-oh! Nose hair! Tweezers! 207 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:26,271 What do you mean, tweezers? 208 00:13:26,405 --> 00:13:28,168 We've never had any tweezers. 209 00:13:28,307 --> 00:13:30,969 Well, get some pliers, then. 210 00:13:32,178 --> 00:13:34,169 It doesn't matter how much pheromone I put on, 211 00:13:34,313 --> 00:13:38,909 some bird will pull on that and expect the butler to come in. 212 00:13:39,051 --> 00:13:43,454 - Here we go. Which one is it? - The third one on the left. 213 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,353 - Brace yourself. - Yes. 214 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:50,223 - This might make your eyes water. - OK. 215 00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,173 Bastard! 216 00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:26,759 - No, Eddie, no! This is stupid! - Yes. 217 00:14:26,899 --> 00:14:31,063 We're going out tonight to get some fantastic birds, remember? 218 00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:33,103 Let's not take out our frustrations on each other. 219 00:14:33,239 --> 00:14:36,140 We can take them out on them, OK? 220 00:14:37,610 --> 00:14:38,872 OK. 221 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:42,037 OK. Come on. Let's shake and make up. 222 00:14:44,316 --> 00:14:46,910 Great gag! 223 00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:51,682 Yeah, that's right. Our crumpet-free days are over. Listen to this. 224 00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:53,724 "Spray liberally, 225 00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:56,726 "go to a place with lots of females 226 00:14:56,862 --> 00:14:59,353 "and brace yourself!" 227 00:15:01,133 --> 00:15:03,693 How much do you think we should put on? 228 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:08,500 - I've already put on half a bottle. - Half a bottle? Are you insane?! 229 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:12,236 You'll be dead by morning! Death by sex! 230 00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:14,346 You'll just be lying there 231 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,348 and they'll be doing it to you and doing it to you until... 232 00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:21,248 I think I'll put on half a bottle as well! 233 00:15:21,387 --> 00:15:23,753 A little bit there and a little bit there! 234 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,857 A little bit there just in case. 235 00:15:25,991 --> 00:15:28,789 Right, where's that packet of rubber johnnies we used to have? 236 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,420 We stuck 'em on our heads when Norman gave us that sherry. 237 00:15:32,564 --> 00:15:35,158 Great days, they were! Great days! 238 00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:38,395 Not to worry, let's get some down the pub. 239 00:15:53,519 --> 00:15:58,115 Blimey! When it said "female", I didn't expect the term to be so broad! 240 00:15:59,491 --> 00:16:02,221 Right, here we are. 241 00:16:03,295 --> 00:16:06,696 Here we go. Death by sex, part one! 242 00:16:07,933 --> 00:16:09,400 Come on! 243 00:16:09,535 --> 00:16:12,470 Look at that cracking bit of crumpet! 244 00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:15,437 That one's got my number on it. 245 00:16:16,442 --> 00:16:18,205 I'll see you later, pal, I'm going in! 246 00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:20,608 OK. Good luck, skipper. 247 00:16:38,364 --> 00:16:40,025 Yes! 248 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:41,996 Give in! 249 00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:44,568 Give into your cravings! 250 00:16:44,703 --> 00:16:47,069 I beg your pardon? 251 00:16:47,206 --> 00:16:48,901 Do as you are bid! 252 00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,601 You cannot help yourself! 253 00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:56,340 Come back to my place because we're going to have it off! 254 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:00,275 What do you think you're doing with my wife? 255 00:17:00,419 --> 00:17:02,944 He's gonna have it off with her! 256 00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:08,220 I don't think he is. 257 00:17:09,995 --> 00:17:13,692 - He's not capable any more! - Darling, don't hurt them. 258 00:17:13,832 --> 00:17:18,269 I think it's shocking they send them back into the community so soon. 259 00:17:18,404 --> 00:17:21,635 That's right! We're mere loonies! We mean no harm! 260 00:17:25,844 --> 00:17:29,905 Come back to my place, we're going to have it off! I'm mad! 261 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:33,018 - You see, Eddie? It works! - Did it? 262 00:17:33,152 --> 00:17:36,485 If it hadn't have been for that gorilla, I'd have been well away! 263 00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:39,557 She was mesmerised! And I'll tell you what, 264 00:17:39,691 --> 00:17:42,091 it's loosened up my pants a bit, too! 265 00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:44,559 - This is your lucky day! - You're not wrong there. 266 00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:48,723 Come on. We'll get the drinks in and then we'll prowl. 267 00:17:50,202 --> 00:17:53,171 Landlord, two halves of mild, please. 268 00:17:53,305 --> 00:17:55,569 - In pint glasses. - Certainly, Eddie. 269 00:17:55,707 --> 00:17:58,039 - How are we tonight? - Yup. 270 00:17:59,545 --> 00:18:03,572 Phwoar! Smells like the drains have gone again! 271 00:18:03,715 --> 00:18:07,412 Cor! Look at those couple of stunners down there! 272 00:18:10,556 --> 00:18:12,217 Do you think they're Star birds? 273 00:18:12,357 --> 00:18:13,688 Bound to be, mate. 274 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:17,159 Either that or topless models. 275 00:18:18,163 --> 00:18:21,792 Look at the way they're sitting. They're screaming for it. 276 00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:26,997 They want to have it off with someone! Come on! 277 00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:30,939 - That'll be £1.60, please. - Stick it on the slate. 278 00:18:31,076 --> 00:18:33,567 - You haven't got a slate. - Yes, we have! 279 00:18:33,712 --> 00:18:35,839 - No, you haven't. - I demand to see the landlord! 280 00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:37,642 - I AM the landlord. - I know. 281 00:18:37,783 --> 00:18:40,718 We have this conversation every night! £1.60! 282 00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,684 - There you are! Vampire! - Leech! 283 00:18:42,821 --> 00:18:46,279 - Bloodsucker! - Shut up! 284 00:18:46,425 --> 00:18:49,292 - It's always worth a try! - Absolutely! 285 00:18:49,428 --> 00:18:53,728 Speaking of which, let the tournament commence! 286 00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:10,041 Excuse me! Excuse me! 287 00:19:12,551 --> 00:19:17,250 - Is there something wrong? - No, there's everything right... 288 00:19:17,389 --> 00:19:19,323 my love! 289 00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:22,825 - Is that one mine? - Yeah, that's your bird. 290 00:19:22,961 --> 00:19:25,725 Right, I'd better get started, then. 291 00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:30,368 What's it to be, then? Mild or bitter? 292 00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:33,960 - Or straight back to our place? - We don't want a drink. 293 00:19:34,106 --> 00:19:36,040 I think you do. 294 00:19:41,246 --> 00:19:44,010 - Are you sure? - OK, if you must, I'll have a coke. 295 00:19:44,149 --> 00:19:46,174 Bingo! It bloody works! 296 00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,980 Get the drinks in. I'll keep the birds white-hot! 297 00:19:52,157 --> 00:19:54,182 So, little baby... 298 00:19:54,326 --> 00:19:56,817 ...what might your little name be today? 299 00:19:56,962 --> 00:20:00,489 My little name's Kate today, same as it was yesterday. 300 00:20:05,470 --> 00:20:07,836 I say, what a lovely blouse. 301 00:20:07,973 --> 00:20:11,067 It's very special, isn't it? 302 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:14,702 Do you often wear blouses? 303 00:20:14,846 --> 00:20:18,111 Or sometimes do you wear a jumper? 304 00:20:20,586 --> 00:20:23,248 I suppose it depends on the weather, doesn't it? 305 00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:27,882 I sometimes wear a jumper. There again, sometimes I wear a cardy. 306 00:20:30,362 --> 00:20:33,923 Tell me, do you like to take people's underpants off with your teeth? 307 00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:38,464 You haven't got a slate! Extortioner! 308 00:20:38,604 --> 00:20:40,834 - Parasite! - Shut up! 309 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,204 - Here we go. - I suppose if you're wearing dentures... 310 00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:46,811 Fancy a gander at the Eiffel Tower? 311 00:20:46,945 --> 00:20:50,210 This is frightfully good... No, it's not! Eddie, no! 312 00:20:50,349 --> 00:20:55,309 No, don't do that, because I think it's time to go to the toilet. 313 00:20:58,757 --> 00:21:01,157 Wouldn't you like to come to the toilet with me? 314 00:21:03,328 --> 00:21:05,853 No, I wouldn't. 315 00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:28,411 I get it! Johnnies! 316 00:21:29,554 --> 00:21:34,457 I'm desperate to go. Keep yourselves hot, we shall be but a moment. 317 00:21:34,593 --> 00:21:36,424 Adieu, 318 00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:38,153 adieu, 319 00:21:38,297 --> 00:21:40,697 to yer and yer and yer. 320 00:21:40,832 --> 00:21:43,232 Will you get into the lavatory with me this instant! 321 00:21:49,808 --> 00:21:52,242 We're toilet inspectors. 322 00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:59,348 - The coast is clear! - Right, let's go! 323 00:21:59,484 --> 00:22:02,317 Nadgers! What kind do you want? 324 00:22:02,454 --> 00:22:04,752 Rubber ones. 325 00:22:04,890 --> 00:22:09,122 Yeah, but there's ribbed, there's ticklers and there's ultra-sensitive. 326 00:22:09,261 --> 00:22:10,694 - Ripped? - Yeah. 327 00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:13,127 Who's gonna want a ripped condom? 328 00:22:13,265 --> 00:22:15,995 That must be for people who wanna get pregnant. 329 00:22:16,134 --> 00:22:20,366 I don't think ultra-sensitive is our style, do you? 330 00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:22,735 Right then, tickler it is. 331 00:22:22,874 --> 00:22:24,171 Oh, nadgers! 332 00:22:24,309 --> 00:22:26,106 - What colour? - What have they got? 333 00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:31,511 There's black, there's gold, there's Union Jack or there's leopard skin. 334 00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:33,641 Which do you think is the most romantic? 335 00:22:33,785 --> 00:22:35,309 Union Jack, of course. 336 00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:38,048 - Well, Union Jack tickler, then. - Okey-dokey! 337 00:22:38,190 --> 00:22:41,091 - Oh, nadgers! What flavour? - Flavour? 338 00:22:41,226 --> 00:22:44,559 Yeah, there's banana, strawberry, 339 00:22:44,696 --> 00:22:46,323 peanut butter, 340 00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:49,559 Marmite or cheese and onion. 341 00:22:51,670 --> 00:22:54,833 Well, everyone likes cheese and onion, don't they? 342 00:22:54,973 --> 00:22:59,273 Okey-dokey, cheese and onion flavour Union Jack tickler it is. 343 00:22:59,411 --> 00:23:01,936 Bagsy me first go with it! 344 00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:04,745 - Get two. - Get two? 345 00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:07,181 - Yeah. - Wildman! 346 00:23:16,027 --> 00:23:17,392 Bastard! 347 00:23:17,529 --> 00:23:18,791 Bastard! 348 00:23:18,930 --> 00:23:21,364 - Give me my rubber johnnies! - Hang on, hang on! 349 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:23,468 I'm the DIY expert. 350 00:23:23,602 --> 00:23:26,969 Right, let's have a look at the little fella. 351 00:23:27,973 --> 00:23:31,170 - Yeah, I think I see the problem. - What is it? 352 00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:37,344 Give me my johnnies! There's two birds out there in the bar 353 00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:40,349 who are just screaming for it! Get off, Eddie! 354 00:23:40,485 --> 00:23:42,009 Give me my johnnies! 355 00:23:42,154 --> 00:23:45,851 I just want to do it and do it to those two birds at the bar! 356 00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:47,583 You wanna what? 357 00:23:47,726 --> 00:23:51,753 He wants to do it and do it to those two birds at the bar. 358 00:23:58,804 --> 00:24:01,602 Look! More johnnies than it's humanly possible 359 00:24:01,740 --> 00:24:04,265 - to use in a week! - Great! 360 00:24:09,581 --> 00:24:14,746 That should do. Let's get out there before our two crumpets go off the boil! 361 00:24:16,588 --> 00:24:18,522 Oh, no! Someone's nicked our birds! 362 00:24:18,657 --> 00:24:22,388 Come on, Richie, let me at 'em. I'm a sex typhoon. 363 00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:23,789 Hello, baby! 364 00:24:23,929 --> 00:24:26,363 Eddie, Eddie, calm down. That's a chair! 365 00:24:26,498 --> 00:24:29,399 Yeah, it's a bit of all right, isn't it? 366 00:24:29,534 --> 00:24:32,935 Someone's nicked our crumpets! Oh, no, 367 00:24:33,071 --> 00:24:35,505 there they are! 368 00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:41,077 Eddie, no, wrong one! 369 00:24:44,149 --> 00:24:46,208 Ha, ha, ha! 370 00:24:46,351 --> 00:24:50,117 Oh, so you've moved tables. 371 00:24:50,255 --> 00:24:52,223 Of course, how silly of me. 372 00:24:52,357 --> 00:24:54,791 It's much more romantic in a booth, isn't it, birds? 373 00:24:54,926 --> 00:24:56,917 This is a private conversation. 374 00:24:57,062 --> 00:25:00,190 Carry on. We'll just sit here and listen, 375 00:25:00,332 --> 00:25:03,392 but you'd better hurry up, we haven't got all night. 376 00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:06,095 No, I'm sorry. We'd rather be on our own. 377 00:25:06,238 --> 00:25:07,603 Oh. 378 00:25:07,739 --> 00:25:10,833 Oh! Ha, ha, ha! 379 00:25:11,843 --> 00:25:16,041 Trying to decide which one of us you want to have, are you? 380 00:25:18,316 --> 00:25:20,614 Well, before you decide let me tell you 381 00:25:20,752 --> 00:25:23,687 that "tiny" Eddie here and I... 382 00:25:25,757 --> 00:25:28,282 ...share the same flat, so don't worry, 383 00:25:28,426 --> 00:25:30,860 you'll both be waking up in the same house. 384 00:25:30,996 --> 00:25:33,021 Have me! 385 00:25:33,164 --> 00:25:34,756 Have me! 386 00:25:34,900 --> 00:25:37,869 I'm a love albatross! 387 00:25:40,205 --> 00:25:42,036 Ha, ha, ha! 388 00:25:42,173 --> 00:25:43,435 Yes... 389 00:25:43,575 --> 00:25:46,009 ...although, if you play your cards right, 390 00:25:46,144 --> 00:25:50,581 you could both wind up sleeping in the same bed. 391 00:25:50,715 --> 00:25:54,116 Sorry, we're really NOT interested. 392 00:25:54,252 --> 00:25:57,619 - Besides which, we're lesbians. - You're used to it, then! You're what?! 393 00:25:57,756 --> 00:26:01,658 - We're lesbians. - Is this a joke? It isn't very funny! 394 00:26:01,793 --> 00:26:04,785 - Come on, Kate, let's go. - Sit down, young lady! 395 00:26:04,930 --> 00:26:08,024 I bought you a Coca Cola in good faith. 396 00:26:08,166 --> 00:26:11,294 That's 80 pence you've hoodwinked out of me! 397 00:26:11,436 --> 00:26:13,427 When I said, "Hello, darling, would you like a Coca Cola?" 398 00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:16,632 Did you say, "No, thanks, I'm a lesbian"? 399 00:26:16,775 --> 00:26:21,144 - No, you said, "That'll be lovely." - I said, "All right, if you must." 400 00:26:21,279 --> 00:26:23,474 There's no need to be so pedantic! 401 00:26:23,615 --> 00:26:26,675 - You owe me 80 pence! - What do you mean? 402 00:26:26,818 --> 00:26:31,448 - Well, you won't sleep with me! - Here's your 80 pence. Let's go. 403 00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,319 What, you're going? No, wait! 404 00:26:33,458 --> 00:26:35,858 Wait! This is silly! This is so silly! 405 00:26:35,994 --> 00:26:38,929 Look, I'm terribly sorr... 406 00:26:39,064 --> 00:26:41,498 What the hell! Let's waive the 80 pence. 407 00:26:41,633 --> 00:26:43,464 It's Saturday night, who cares? 408 00:26:43,602 --> 00:26:47,163 Look, OK, I'm sorry. I have been terribly intolerant. 409 00:26:47,305 --> 00:26:50,832 It's not your fault that you're lesbians. 410 00:26:50,976 --> 00:26:53,308 Look, please, give me one more chance. 411 00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:56,881 Come back to my place and I'll cure you. 412 00:26:57,882 --> 00:26:59,645 What did I say? 413 00:26:59,784 --> 00:27:03,379 Don't go! Please! I've got the same ideas about women as you have! 414 00:27:03,521 --> 00:27:07,423 I've got loads of magazines. We can read them together. 415 00:27:07,559 --> 00:27:10,084 I've got every mail order catalogue since 1983 416 00:27:10,228 --> 00:27:13,356 and they just flop open at the lingerie pages. 417 00:27:13,498 --> 00:27:17,195 I even taped the Clothes Show special on beachwear. 418 00:27:17,335 --> 00:27:21,066 We could take our clothes off and watch it in our pants! 419 00:27:26,544 --> 00:27:29,206 Yes, is there something wrong? 420 00:27:34,719 --> 00:27:39,520 Huh! Saturday night. Oh, well, may as well have another drink. 421 00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:42,092 - I shall have a large... - Time, gentlemen, please. 422 00:27:42,227 --> 00:27:43,694 - You are a c... - Out! 423 00:27:46,865 --> 00:27:49,129 Hi, baby. 424 00:27:50,869 --> 00:27:54,805 Cor! You smell great! 425 00:27:54,939 --> 00:27:57,965 - Let's do it! - Get a grip! 426 00:27:58,109 --> 00:28:00,805 Lovely, aren't you? Lovely, lovely, lovely! 427 00:28:00,945 --> 00:28:02,344 Eddie, no! 428 00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:05,142 Richie, yes! 429 00:28:06,017 --> 00:28:07,314 Right, I'm off. 430 00:28:14,392 --> 00:28:16,986 Changed your mind, have you, dearie? 431 00:28:17,128 --> 00:28:18,823 Well, come on, then! 432 00:28:18,963 --> 00:28:21,022 Plant a big one right on me kisser!