1
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:49,281
- Is it dead?
- Yeah.

2
00:00:49,416 --> 00:00:52,078
Shall we fry it or poach it?

3
00:00:52,852 --> 00:00:57,880
- I don't care as long as I get the head.
- This is the only food in the house?

4
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:00,618
Yes. The rest is in the cistern.

5
00:01:00,760 --> 00:01:03,558
We sit her down and she sees
that we're so poor

6
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:07,598
that we've had to kill Elvis just
to give her something for her tea.

7
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:11,431
She's very fond of animals.
That's why you're here.

8
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,766
If that doesn't break her heart...

9
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,137
- This will!
- No, Eddie!

10
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:20,178
- Let's just rumble the old bird!
- We've got gas and electric bills,

11
00:01:20,313 --> 00:01:21,644
poll tax and rent.

12
00:01:21,781 --> 00:01:25,945
We have to get Auntie Olga
to write us a big fat cheque.

13
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,350
I'll get her to bring all her chequebooks.

14
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,719
Daft cow brought
a bunch of bananas last time!

15
00:01:31,858 --> 00:01:35,521
Spread the bills around
so she sees one wherever she sits.

16
00:01:35,662 --> 00:01:40,497
Operator, I'd like to make
a reverse charges call, please.

17
00:01:40,633 --> 00:01:43,329
Little Piddle, 3-3-8.

18
00:01:43,470 --> 00:01:46,064
You know what to say when she gets here.

19
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,868
"Give us some money, you old bag!"

20
00:01:49,008 --> 00:01:51,568
- No!
- Give us some money, you old witch?

21
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:53,406
- No!
- Old bastard?

22
00:01:53,546 --> 00:01:55,070
- No!
- Git?

23
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:57,080
No!

24
00:01:57,217 --> 00:02:00,243
You say, "I am a sad orphan!"

25
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:02,013
Right.

26
00:02:02,155 --> 00:02:05,488
I am a sad orphan!
Give us some money, you old bag!

27
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:09,117
No, you prat! Hello, operator. Not you!

28
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,787
Tell them it's Richard Richard. Yes.

29
00:02:11,931 --> 00:02:14,399
Eddie, sprinkle some water about.

30
00:02:14,534 --> 00:02:17,059
Make it look like we've been crying a lot.

31
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:20,570
They won't accept the charges?! Bastards!

32
00:02:20,707 --> 00:02:22,572
I'll have to dial direct!

33
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:28,079
What's this? "Annual membership
to Barbarella's Aerobic Fitness Centre"?

34
00:02:29,749 --> 00:02:32,240
Nothing to do with me.

35
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:35,377
It has "Richard Richard" written on it.

36
00:02:35,522 --> 00:02:38,013
"Leotard"?

37
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:40,490
None of us are getting any younger.

38
00:02:40,627 --> 00:02:43,460
I just pop along
every Wednesday and firm up.

39
00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:47,362
You stand in a room full of girls
jiggling their bottoms up and down

40
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:49,695
and firm up?

41
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:52,805
- That's right.
- I bet you do

42
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:57,569
Listen, you big fat c... Hello, Auntie!
It's Rickie-Dickie-Davey!

43
00:02:57,710 --> 00:03:00,440
Kissie, kissie, kissie, hug, hug, hug!

44
00:03:00,580 --> 00:03:05,210
Oh, it's you, Mrs Higginbottom,
you sad old fart! Go and get my auntie.

45
00:03:05,351 --> 00:03:09,947
What? You're still a servant,
aren't you? Get that zimmer cracking!

46
00:03:10,089 --> 00:03:11,750
Shut up!

47
00:03:11,891 --> 00:03:15,588
I remember what I saw when I was four!

48
00:03:15,728 --> 00:03:17,662
You, the chauffeur,

49
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:19,890
the bucket of fish!

50
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,864
So go and get her.

51
00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:24,731
I don't care if she's dead, just go and get...

52
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:28,068
Eddie, my auntie's dead!

53
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:31,939
When did it happen? Last night?

54
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,410
So they haven't read the will yet?

55
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:38,073
Look in the desk.

56
00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:42,245
Search the body, then! I've got
first dibs on those gold teeth!

57
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:45,255
I'm a sad orphan! Give us
your gold teeth, you old bitch!

58
00:03:45,391 --> 00:03:49,259
Shut up! This is a very difficult time for me.

59
00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:52,421
Have you got it? Great! What does it say?

60
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,633
Fantastic!

61
00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:02,472
Get the little duckling!

62
00:04:06,112 --> 00:04:09,047
That's right.
Blaze away, Eddie, blaze away.

63
00:04:09,182 --> 00:04:13,676
We deserve a little celebration.
Auntie Olga is dead at last!

64
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,482
600 smackers to do whatever we like with!

65
00:04:16,623 --> 00:04:21,458
£300 here, and 300 on top
of the bathroom cabinet

66
00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:24,654
where no one will ever find it!

67
00:04:24,797 --> 00:04:26,924
I'll have another 100 bullets.

68
00:04:27,066 --> 00:04:30,194
Hold it. That's 45 quid you owe me so far.

69
00:04:30,336 --> 00:04:33,567
I haven't any money.

70
00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:38,166
No need for that. I'll get the 45 quid!

71
00:04:38,311 --> 00:04:42,407
I love you Romany types,
with your legendary campfire hospitality

72
00:04:42,548 --> 00:04:47,144
and quaint insistence
on settling bills immediately!

73
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:50,916
Thieving bastard yobbos!
Someone's swiped my wallet!

74
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:54,026
A likely story! I want my 45 quid!

75
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,288
Didn't you hear me? I've just lost £300!

76
00:04:57,430 --> 00:05:01,161
I bet it was you that nicked it,
you swarthy, thieving nomad!

77
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:05,761
Either you or one of your slippery,
deformed half-brothers! Yes!

78
00:05:05,905 --> 00:05:08,999
I know what you get up to in the dark.

79
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:12,441
Extended family? It's just another
word for a sexual free-for-all!

80
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:17,015
You're not in Romania now!
I'm going to get a British policeman!

81
00:05:20,453 --> 00:05:23,354
You are going nowhere till I get my 45 quid!

82
00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:25,650
Eddie, help!

83
00:05:25,792 --> 00:05:31,287
Let me try for the 50 quid star prize,
and we'll call it double or quits.

84
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:34,161
- All right.
- Good luck, Eddie.

85
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,228
- Excuse me, mate.
- Yeah?

86
00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:41,431
Agh!

87
00:06:02,895 --> 00:06:06,092
300 quid! Thieving bastard vagabonds!

88
00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:09,224
Cross my palm with silver!

89
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:14,602
- My God, there's another one!
- Cross my palm with silver!

90
00:06:14,741 --> 00:06:17,676
You lot have had enough
off me, thank you!

91
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:22,804
- Then you must leave the tent.
- With pleasure! How's it look?

92
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:27,318
On a scale of one to ten,
I'd say it's bicycle clip time.

93
00:06:27,453 --> 00:06:31,355
Damn! All right, you old battle-axe,
read me my fortune.

94
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:36,155
First, you must cross my palm with silver!

95
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:40,527
I've just had my wallet nicked!
A fortune teller should know that!

96
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:43,863
- Cross my palm with silver!
- I've only got 5p left!

97
00:06:44,003 --> 00:06:47,905
- That's not enough.
- Can't you criss-cross it about?

98
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,100
- It's not enough!
- Just give me five pence worth.

99
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,644
You get it all
from the "Evening Standard" anyway!

100
00:06:53,780 --> 00:06:57,807
For 5p, your future's gonna look
pretty bleak, mate!

101
00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:03,879
Have you got a licence? I bet you haven't!
Give me a free fortune-telling,

102
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:08,460
or I'll tell the police and they'll
deport you back to Umma-Gumma Land!

103
00:07:08,594 --> 00:07:11,927
You'll end up making elephants
from bits of dried banana!

104
00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:16,091
Yes, I have got a licence, unlike you.

105
00:07:16,235 --> 00:07:18,499
Your driving licence is a fake!

106
00:07:20,173 --> 00:07:24,405
How do you know that? Eddie,
maybe the old crone's got something!

107
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:25,841
Yeah.

108
00:07:25,978 --> 00:07:28,469
Looks like dropsy.

109
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:32,516
At least my licence doesn't say
"Martin Andrews" crossed out,

110
00:07:32,652 --> 00:07:35,212
and "Sir Richard Richard VC"

111
00:07:35,354 --> 00:07:38,585
crudely written over the top in biro!

112
00:07:40,159 --> 00:07:45,688
- How do you know these things?
- I see everything!

113
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:50,735
- What else do you see?
- I see...

114
00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:53,839
I see a naughty nudey picture
of a little lady

115
00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:57,670
with Julia Somerville's face
plastered on top of it!

116
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:03,110
Bloody hell! That's my secret love
picture that nobody knows about!

117
00:08:03,249 --> 00:08:05,479
- She's a genius!
- Yeah!

118
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,677
Ask her if there's a photo
of Julia Somerville

119
00:08:07,820 --> 00:08:11,551
with her own body all nudey,
and whether we can get a copy.

120
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:13,591
It would be worth a fortune!

121
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:17,992
The crone might be worth a fortune!
Tell me more, old bag!

122
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:22,658
I cannot tell you more without more money!

123
00:08:22,802 --> 00:08:25,362
- I haven't got any.
- Give me your watch.

124
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:28,167
All right. There you are.

125
00:08:30,977 --> 00:08:34,845
Om...
Ow-om...

126
00:08:34,981 --> 00:08:40,385
- Before the moon rises three times...
- Yes?

127
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,546
...you're gonna die.
- What?!

128
00:08:43,689 --> 00:08:45,748
You are going to die.

129
00:08:45,892 --> 00:08:48,827
- No!
- The power is fading.

130
00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:50,223
Let me have a look.

131
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,196
- The aura's dimming.
- What a swizz!

132
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:56,631
- What do you expect for 5p?
- And my watch!

133
00:08:56,769 --> 00:08:59,363
- It's broken.
- She's a genius!

134
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,605
Out the way! Out the way!

135
00:09:04,744 --> 00:09:07,110
Are you terminal?

136
00:09:08,514 --> 00:09:12,712
- Come on! I want to see a doctor!
- Do you have an appointment?

137
00:09:12,852 --> 00:09:14,752
- Of course!
- Name?

138
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:19,347
- Williams.
- Mr Williams...

139
00:09:19,492 --> 00:09:22,984
- Goodness, you are looking well!
- I like to put a brave face on it.

140
00:09:23,129 --> 00:09:24,790
One doesn't like to wallow!

141
00:09:24,931 --> 00:09:28,924
- And you've grown two new legs!
- Yeah, they're great...

142
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:33,505
It's another name that sounds like
Williams. There it is - Henderson!

143
00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,403
I always get them mixed up!

144
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:40,501
That's remarkable. You died
at six o'clock this morning,

145
00:09:40,646 --> 00:09:43,376
and you've changed sex.

146
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,643
I haven't got an appointment.

147
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:48,652
- Why didn't you make one?
- I didn't expect to be ill.

148
00:09:48,788 --> 00:09:53,782
- Unless it's an emergency...
- It is! I only have three days to live!

149
00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:55,791
- What's wrong?
- I don't know.

150
00:09:55,928 --> 00:09:57,520
- How do you feel?
- Great!

151
00:09:57,663 --> 00:10:00,860
There are genuinely sick people here
who need help.

152
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:05,164
- You're one of them!
- Come in a week next Friday.

153
00:10:05,304 --> 00:10:11,470
So this is the land fit for heroes?
I suffered in the Falklands conflict for this?!

154
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:14,978
- Did he?
- Yes. He tripped over the coffee table

155
00:10:15,114 --> 00:10:16,877
trying to switch channels.

156
00:10:17,016 --> 00:10:21,646
I pay my taxes! Well...
That's not important.

157
00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:26,156
I demand to see a doctor! Are they
all out flogging off the morphine?

158
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:31,787
I've got a dying woman in here.
Will you shut up? You look perfectly well.

159
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:35,697
If I'd wanted a transvestite's opinion,

160
00:10:35,835 --> 00:10:38,702
I'd have gone to the "Whisky-A-Go-Go"!

161
00:10:38,838 --> 00:10:42,899
I'm Sir Roger Cobham OBE,
the world-famous heart surgeon.

162
00:10:43,042 --> 00:10:45,806
This is my hospital.

163
00:10:45,945 --> 00:10:49,676
You look perfectly well to me.
Shut up and get out!

164
00:10:49,815 --> 00:10:51,908
Thank God!

165
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,679
Sorry I didn't recognise you.

166
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:02,560
I've got bad eyesight.
It's a Falklands war wound. Sorry about that.

167
00:11:02,695 --> 00:11:04,754
Thanks again, mate!

168
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:13,095
Is there anything I can do to help?
Anything you want, just name it.

169
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:16,868
You want spare parts?
I've got Eddie right here.

170
00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:21,708
- Anything you want, just name it.
- I want you to stop talking and leave!

171
00:11:22,648 --> 00:11:26,448
We're out of here. Come on, Eddie.
You heard the man.

172
00:11:26,585 --> 00:11:28,212
Come on...

173
00:11:30,589 --> 00:11:35,117
Come on. I know the NHS. Have
a quid. Oh, I haven't got any money.

174
00:11:35,261 --> 00:11:38,856
I'll owe it to you. Thanks again, mate.

175
00:11:40,032 --> 00:11:42,023
Thanks to you, too, dear.

176
00:11:42,168 --> 00:11:45,035
- Should she really be that colour?
- GET OUT!

177
00:11:45,171 --> 00:11:48,732
There we are, Eddie. See you all later!

178
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:53,205
Thanks, dear. You're doing a great job!

179
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:59,680
A clean bill of health.
I knew the old crone was insane!

180
00:11:59,819 --> 00:12:02,947
Great. The lift's working again.

181
00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:07,355
It's so good to be alive! After you, old timer!

182
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,094
Agh!

183
00:12:15,534 --> 00:12:17,798
God! That's terrible!

184
00:12:17,937 --> 00:12:20,337
That could have been me!

185
00:12:22,141 --> 00:12:26,771
That's what she meant. I'm not ill.
I'm the picture of health.

186
00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:31,076
An accident. That's how
it's gonna happen! The question is...

187
00:12:31,217 --> 00:12:32,844
...how?

188
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:43,659
Are you sure
you don't want your sausages?

189
00:12:43,796 --> 00:12:46,663
No. I'm not taking any chances!

190
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:49,393
Okey-dokey, matey.

191
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:54,032
- What was that apocalyptic clonk?

192
00:12:54,173 --> 00:12:59,805
I didn't see anything. Relax,
old chum. I'm on guard, remember?

193
00:13:02,481 --> 00:13:05,450
I must be hallucinating.

194
00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:09,179
Three days now with no food or water.

195
00:13:09,321 --> 00:13:12,586
Still, I'm safe under the sofa.

196
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:17,662
I've only got to make it until
the moon comes up, and then I'll eat.

197
00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:23,326
There's two Taiwanese ranch-style
jumbo fish burgers in the freezer!

198
00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:26,101
- You've had them.
- I haven't.

199
00:13:26,238 --> 00:13:29,730
- You had them for lunch.
- I haven't eaten for three days!

200
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:34,312
Obviously, YOU didn't eat them.
I ate them for you.

201
00:13:34,446 --> 00:13:38,314
You made me test them for poison.
I've been testing everything.

202
00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,543
I'm bloody knackered, I am!

203
00:13:40,686 --> 00:13:44,816
You're lucky to have such a good mate.
I tested the Indian take-away,

204
00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:49,121
three pizzas, a bottle of scotch -
I had to test all of that.

205
00:13:49,261 --> 00:13:51,491
I've totally tested out the drinks cabinet

206
00:13:51,630 --> 00:13:56,260
and the liqueur chocolates
we'd saved for our anniversary.

207
00:13:56,402 --> 00:14:00,168
Well, I'm starving!
Has the moon come up yet?

208
00:14:01,073 --> 00:14:03,735
- I can't see from here.
- Go and have a look!

209
00:14:03,876 --> 00:14:07,869
- You go and have a look!
- I can't go near the window.

210
00:14:08,013 --> 00:14:10,573
I might fall out,
or the window might fall in!

211
00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:13,480
I can't go. They might think
I'm Sean Connery.

212
00:14:15,554 --> 00:14:18,546
What? You don't look
a bit like Sean Connery!

213
00:14:19,225 --> 00:14:23,821
Hello.
My name's James Bond.

214
00:14:23,963 --> 00:14:25,931
Not a lot of people know that.

215
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:29,000
Maybe death would be a blessed release!

216
00:14:29,134 --> 00:14:32,501
Zulus! Thousands of 'em!

217
00:14:32,638 --> 00:14:35,971
Wait till you see the whites
of their eyes, lads.

218
00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:39,635
They would have won
if they'd kept their eyes closed!

219
00:14:40,646 --> 00:14:42,637
Not a lot of people know that.

220
00:14:42,781 --> 00:14:44,271
- Eddie.
- What?

221
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:48,648
Here's 5p. Shut up and go and see
if the moon's come up!

222
00:14:48,787 --> 00:14:51,551
That's two things.

223
00:14:51,690 --> 00:14:54,215
Here you are.

224
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:56,656
Swindler!

225
00:14:56,795 --> 00:15:00,731
- What does it look like?
- It's hard to tell.

226
00:15:00,866 --> 00:15:06,964
It's ever so glum and cloudy.
It's hard to tell whether it's day or night.

227
00:15:07,106 --> 00:15:09,734
Shall I switch the telly on
and see if it's evening?

228
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:11,809
Yes, go on, old sport.

229
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:18,179
Well, it could be any time, really!

230
00:15:21,220 --> 00:15:24,656
Blast that vicious old gypsy slag wagon!

231
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:29,818
I've been stuck under this sofa
for three days, and nothing's happened.

232
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:34,456
I'm fed up with it. I'm going
to the lavvy once and for all!

233
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,933
I'm not scared of any silly mumbo-jumbo.

234
00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:41,597
I'm going to stare fate right in the face!

235
00:15:42,841 --> 00:15:47,301
Oh, God! It's true! Did you see that, Eddie?

236
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,515
You see? It could come from anywhere!

237
00:15:51,650 --> 00:15:53,515
Should the ceiling be sagging like that?

238
00:15:53,652 --> 00:15:56,280
- What's up there?
- My piano.

239
00:15:56,422 --> 00:16:00,722
That's dangerous. That shouldn't be
up there. Go and shift it.

240
00:16:00,859 --> 00:16:03,384
- It'll cost you.
- All right.

241
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:06,987
A 20p bit is sellotaped
to the bottom of the cistern.

242
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:09,362
Righty-o.

243
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:10,991
Hurry up!

244
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:12,899
Running all the way.

245
00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:14,938
Bastard!

246
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,067
Oh, Lord...

247
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:24,541
You won't know me,
but my name's Richard Richard.

248
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:28,710
You won't know me because I've led
such a quiet and blameless life,

249
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:32,255
apart from that incident
with the oven-ready chicken!

250
00:16:32,391 --> 00:16:36,487
I have already apologised about that.
I don't know if you remember.

251
00:16:36,628 --> 00:16:39,062
Anyway, we haven't got much time.

252
00:16:39,198 --> 00:16:42,429
I was wondering if I could do
a little deal with you,

253
00:16:42,568 --> 00:16:48,063
because I don't deserve any of this,
but I know somebody who does...

254
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,404
...Eddie, that chap
who just went out.

255
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:57,479
He's a foul pervert and a dole scrounger.

256
00:16:57,616 --> 00:17:01,074
Stop piddling around
and move it, you bastard!

257
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,882
No, not you, sir!

258
00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:05,581
Our Lord!

259
00:17:05,724 --> 00:17:09,660
I was talking to Eddie - the evil one!

260
00:17:09,795 --> 00:17:12,195
If you could see your way clear

261
00:17:13,732 --> 00:17:15,359
to murdering him horribly
instead of me, then I promise...

262
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:18,163
I mean it. I haven't got my fingers crossed.

263
00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:22,296
...I promise to go to church
for the rest of my life.

264
00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:25,535
You still do that thing
with the wine and the biscuits?

265
00:17:25,677 --> 00:17:28,009
Great. Thank you for your time.

266
00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:32,345
One other thing, Lord, if you're still there...

267
00:17:32,484 --> 00:17:36,250
Seeing as how I'm going to live,
it's about girls...

268
00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:39,255
- Shut up, Eddie!

269
00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:42,883
I was wondering if I could
have a few more. Shut up!

270
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:45,895
Well, just one once. Right. That's it!

271
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:50,897
Edward Hitler, come down here at once!

272
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:03,537
- It's you!
- Well, who do you expect it to be?

273
00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:07,584
You're the one! You're the one
who said, "Let's go to the fair."

274
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:09,914
You're the one
who shot the thug in the eye

275
00:18:10,055 --> 00:18:13,320
and said, "Let's hide in the gypsy's tent"
where I got the curse!

276
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:18,260
Then, on the third night,
you drop a piano on my head!

277
00:18:18,397 --> 00:18:22,231
You bastard! You're after
Auntie Olga's 300 quid, aren't you?

278
00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,268
I've got news for you! You're out of here!

279
00:18:27,239 --> 00:18:29,469
You're history!

280
00:18:29,608 --> 00:18:33,408
How could you treat a friend
so badly? I'd never do anything like that!

281
00:18:33,545 --> 00:18:35,843
Get out of here
before I set the dogs on you!

282
00:18:35,981 --> 00:18:39,542
- We haven't got any dogs.
- It was a figure...

283
00:18:39,685 --> 00:18:41,448
...of...

284
00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:43,612
...speech!

285
00:18:44,256 --> 00:18:46,087
Get out!

286
00:18:50,829 --> 00:18:53,957
And good riddance!

287
00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,260
My poker!

288
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:05,338
Safe at last! I'll just pop into bed
with my hottie bottie.

289
00:19:16,522 --> 00:19:18,820
Where's my bedside book?

290
00:19:18,957 --> 00:19:21,926
Here we are. "War and Peace".

291
00:19:22,060 --> 00:19:27,157
We've been at it a few years now,
haven't we, old mate? Where was I?

292
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:30,325
Chapter one, sentence three.

293
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:38,073
Here we go again. Where's the dictionary?

294
00:19:39,645 --> 00:19:42,307
I'll never find out who did it!

295
00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:45,905
I'll be lucky to find out what they did!

296
00:19:46,051 --> 00:19:49,179
That's enough reading for one night!

297
00:19:49,321 --> 00:19:51,380
I'm tired.

298
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:55,152
Good for the soul, though,
a bit of reading. No doubt about that.

299
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:59,924
I'm all relaxed now. That's nice.

300
00:20:00,065 --> 00:20:03,466
I think I might... No, I'll just go to sleep.

301
00:20:11,076 --> 00:20:13,567
Nighty-night, world. God bless me.

302
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:17,409
See you in the morning - not too early!

303
00:20:17,583 --> 00:20:19,448
I wonder what happened to my mum?

304
00:20:19,585 --> 00:20:22,110
Ah, well. Hey-ho!

305
00:20:28,427 --> 00:20:30,759
No... No.

306
00:20:35,801 --> 00:20:37,735
It's bloody Eddie!

307
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:41,236
It's bloody Eddie sneaking in
to get me when I switch the lights out!

308
00:20:41,373 --> 00:20:44,900
I've a surprise for him! My cricket bat!

309
00:20:51,550 --> 00:20:55,543
- Come in!

310
00:21:04,896 --> 00:21:07,660
Are you...?

311
00:21:10,135 --> 00:21:12,626
Have you come for...?

312
00:21:13,639 --> 00:21:17,575
No! Oh, my God, the moon's up!

313
00:21:17,709 --> 00:21:21,236
Oh, my God! She was right!
Oh, my God!

314
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:24,474
Jesus H. Corbett! I mean, Christ!

315
00:21:24,616 --> 00:21:26,982
This can't be happening to me!

316
00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:31,146
Let's be English about this.
This is a private house!

317
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:35,590
If you don't clear off my property
immediately, I shall call the police!

318
00:21:40,532 --> 00:21:43,524
OK, point taken. So this is it, is it?

319
00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:49,269
I haven't got time. I'm not ready!
Have I got time to change?

320
00:21:49,408 --> 00:21:53,367
I can't go up there
in my jimmy-jams! What would St Pete think?

321
00:21:53,512 --> 00:21:57,676
They do call him St Pete?
First impressions are terribly important.

322
00:21:57,816 --> 00:22:02,219
Unless... Which way am I going, up or...?

323
00:22:03,422 --> 00:22:05,856
Agh!

324
00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:23,137
Wait!

325
00:22:23,275 --> 00:22:25,539
What about chess?

326
00:22:25,677 --> 00:22:28,339
What about it?

327
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:33,076
- Why don't we play a game of chess?
- Because I don't know the rules!

328
00:22:33,218 --> 00:22:36,813
That's all right. I'll teach you the rules.

329
00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:41,824
You won't need rules where you're going,
mate! You'll need asbestos underpants,

330
00:22:41,960 --> 00:22:44,451
'cause you're going downstairs!

331
00:22:44,596 --> 00:22:47,827
Ooh, the moans, the screams!

332
00:22:47,966 --> 00:22:52,403
Ooh, the countless billions
thrown naked into the pit!

333
00:22:52,537 --> 00:22:54,767
Naked? Phwoar!

334
00:22:56,975 --> 00:23:00,206
Wait! What about "Cluedo"?

335
00:23:00,345 --> 00:23:03,712
They tried it once,
but all the pieces caught fire.

336
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:06,875
Why don't we play "Cluedo" for my life?

337
00:23:07,018 --> 00:23:11,717
Because you always cheat!
You always look at the mystery cards!

338
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:15,156
- How do you know these things?
- I'm Death!

339
00:23:15,293 --> 00:23:18,262
Sorry.
HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE THINGS?

340
00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:22,029
No, I'm Death! I'm Death!

341
00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:23,759
If only Eddie were here!

342
00:23:23,902 --> 00:23:28,635
Yeah! Eddie was pretty great
at everything, wasn't he?

343
00:23:28,774 --> 00:23:32,039
He ponged. It would have sent you
round the twist.

344
00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:35,603
That's it, mate. Your time's up!

345
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:39,148
No, please! Give me one more chance!

346
00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:43,479
"I Spy"!

347
00:23:43,622 --> 00:23:45,715
Hmm...

348
00:23:47,225 --> 00:23:51,355
- OK.
- If I win, I get to live, OK?

349
00:23:51,496 --> 00:23:53,828
- Okey-dokey, matey!
- Pardon?

350
00:23:53,965 --> 00:23:56,695
I mean, all right, mortal!

351
00:23:58,904 --> 00:24:02,431
No, it's not possible. OK, "I Spy" it is.

352
00:24:02,574 --> 00:24:06,738
God, this is important.
I'd better make it a goodie!

353
00:24:06,878 --> 00:24:09,574
OK, coming, ready or not.

354
00:24:09,714 --> 00:24:14,708
I spy with my little eye
something beginning with "S"!

355
00:24:14,853 --> 00:24:18,812
- Submarine.
- No! It was scythe! Ha, ha!

356
00:24:18,957 --> 00:24:21,118
I win! I get to live! Thank you, baby Jesus!

357
00:24:21,259 --> 00:24:22,817
Thank you, all the baby Jesuses!

358
00:24:22,961 --> 00:24:25,987
Hang on! Scythe doesn't begin with an "S".

359
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:28,429
- It does!
- It's a "C"!

360
00:24:28,567 --> 00:24:31,195
- It's not!
- It is! Get a dictionary!

361
00:24:31,336 --> 00:24:35,466
All right. I've got one here. "Scythe"...

362
00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:40,604
There you are. "Scythe"! S-C-Y-T-H-E!

363
00:24:40,745 --> 00:24:43,145
That's "Sither".

364
00:24:43,281 --> 00:24:48,685
It's "Scythe"! It's in the dictionary.
Jesus wrote this!

365
00:24:48,820 --> 00:24:52,916
All right, then, mortal, I can see
you're eager to keep your life.

366
00:24:53,058 --> 00:24:56,926
How's about I offer you a straight deal?

367
00:24:57,062 --> 00:24:59,895
No problem. Great!

368
00:25:00,031 --> 00:25:03,159
How much money have you got?

369
00:25:03,301 --> 00:25:04,768
None.

370
00:25:04,903 --> 00:25:07,997
What about the 300 quid
on top of the bathroom cabinet?

371
00:25:08,139 --> 00:25:13,076
- How do you know about that?
- I told you. I'm Death. I know everything!

372
00:25:13,211 --> 00:25:18,046
- What, even about the...?
- Especially that, you naughty boy!

373
00:25:18,183 --> 00:25:21,584
OK, I'll get the money.
Just don't tell anybody!

374
00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,915
Wait right here!

375
00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:38,969
Here we are. So I give you the 300,
and I get to keep my life, OK?

376
00:25:39,104 --> 00:25:42,631
Not quite. The full deal is this.

377
00:25:42,774 --> 00:25:47,734
I get to keep the £300,
and your fantastic mate, Eddie,

378
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:52,179
lives here rent free for the rest of his life!

379
00:25:52,317 --> 00:25:53,978
OK. It's a deal.

380
00:25:54,119 --> 00:25:58,419
And I'll have that "Girlie World"
that's under your mattress.

381
00:26:00,825 --> 00:26:04,283
Or you'll burn in the fires of hell!

382
00:26:04,429 --> 00:26:07,227
All right.

383
00:26:07,365 --> 00:26:09,196
Bye! Is that everything now?

384
00:26:09,334 --> 00:26:11,199
That's it, mate. Cheerio!

385
00:26:11,336 --> 00:26:14,464
Ha, ha, ha! 300 quid
and a copy of "Girlie World"!

386
00:26:14,606 --> 00:26:15,971
Ooh!

387
00:26:23,048 --> 00:26:25,312
Blimey, I've broken me stilts!

388
00:26:25,450 --> 00:26:30,046
You total bastard! How do you know
about my secret copy of "Girlie World"?

389
00:26:30,188 --> 00:26:32,315
You're getting a knuckle sandwich,

390
00:26:32,457 --> 00:26:37,656
and I don't mean a sandwich
with knuckles in it! Well, I do, actually.

391
00:26:37,796 --> 00:26:42,392
You're gonna get a smash in the chops
and no questions answered!

392
00:26:44,069 --> 00:26:46,503
Who can that be at this time of night?

393
00:26:46,638 --> 00:26:49,334
I'm not expecting anyone.

394
00:26:49,474 --> 00:26:53,035
- Maybe it's the real Death!
- That'd be a turn up!

395
00:26:56,948 --> 00:26:58,711
You fight him to the death.

396
00:26:58,850 --> 00:27:01,614
- I'll slip down the fire escape.
- Too late.

397
00:27:01,753 --> 00:27:04,551
Sir Richard Richard Esquire?

398
00:27:04,689 --> 00:27:08,090
- That's him!
- I've got your wallet.

399
00:27:08,226 --> 00:27:09,750
That'll be me!

400
00:27:09,894 --> 00:27:14,831
How very honest of you. You Romany
types are as generous as the day is...

401
00:27:14,966 --> 00:27:20,029
All the credit cards have expired,
the driving licence is a forgery,

402
00:27:20,171 --> 00:27:24,403
and apart from the nudey collage
of Julia Somerville, it's of no use to me,

403
00:27:24,542 --> 00:27:26,203
rather like my eye!

404
00:27:26,344 --> 00:27:29,245
So that's how she knew all those things!

405
00:27:29,381 --> 00:27:32,350
How much money have you got
in the house?

406
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:35,647
- None.
- What about that £300 I heard about

407
00:27:35,787 --> 00:27:40,019
that you've got safely ensconced
on top of the bathroom cabinet?

408
00:27:40,158 --> 00:27:43,525
- It's not there any more.
- I'll have this, then!

409
00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:48,565
That should cover the £300
to get my eye fixed.

410
00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:52,136
I'll have that copy of "Girlie World" an' all!

411
00:27:52,270 --> 00:27:54,568
Wise choice, sir.

412
00:27:54,706 --> 00:27:59,302
Seeing as you're here, would you
like to kick Eddie in the bollocks?

413
00:27:59,444 --> 00:28:02,277
I don't mind if I do. Thank you very much!