1 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:43,536 # Land of hope and glory 2 00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:47,077 # Something, something else 3 00:00:47,213 --> 00:00:50,580 # Land of hope and glor... glor... 4 00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:55,981 #... glory That is where I live! 5 00:00:56,122 --> 00:00:59,683 # Land of hope and glory... # 6 00:00:59,826 --> 00:01:02,226 - Morning! 7 00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:08,365 What a lovely day! God, I love Sundays! 8 00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,696 Sunday papers, a stroll in the park, 9 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:15,399 church, and back home for a nice big joint of good old English beef. 10 00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:17,806 Strawberries and cream, a spot of tennis, 11 00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:21,209 and a smile in the heart of every true Englishman! 12 00:01:21,347 --> 00:01:24,714 Morning, vicar. Lovely day!...Charming! 13 00:01:25,985 --> 00:01:28,317 Somebody got out of bed the wrong side this morning! 14 00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:30,753 He got out of the WOMB the wrong side! 15 00:01:30,890 --> 00:01:34,883 The same to you with brass knobs on, you steaming great twat! 16 00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:40,523 I feel great! The English summertime! Gets you right there, doesn't it, Eddie? 17 00:01:41,334 --> 00:01:43,029 Eddie? 18 00:01:43,169 --> 00:01:46,161 Eddie? Have you ever seen such glorious sunshine? 19 00:01:46,306 --> 00:01:49,139 Close the curtain. I'm trying to watch TV. 20 00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:54,042 Don't be like that. We should be out there playing cricket! 21 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:57,946 Come on. It's Sunday. It's a day of rest! 22 00:01:58,084 --> 00:02:00,245 Absolutely nothing to do for 24 hours! 23 00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:03,287 It's a bit like every other day, then. 24 00:02:03,423 --> 00:02:08,383 Come on, Eddie. We can't sit around watching videos all day. 25 00:02:08,528 --> 00:02:10,428 The bluebirds are singing... 26 00:02:10,563 --> 00:02:13,396 Close the curtain. This is the exciting bit! 27 00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,258 - NOW! - Right. OK. 28 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:32,308 - Well, this is great, isn't it - Yes. It's just dandy. 29 00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:36,120 I cooked you a breakfast. 30 00:02:36,256 --> 00:02:40,352 I can't find it now! I'll have to get the torch out. 31 00:02:43,763 --> 00:02:46,095 Breakfast! 32 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:49,599 - Where are you, breakfast? - What is it? 33 00:02:49,736 --> 00:02:52,000 It's your favourite. I cooked you your... 34 00:02:52,138 --> 00:02:53,605 # Da-da-da... # 35 00:02:54,741 --> 00:02:57,039 ...Sunday fish finger! 36 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:59,577 I don't like fish fingers. 37 00:02:59,712 --> 00:03:02,806 You don't, do you? I make that mistake every Sunday! 38 00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:06,180 Never mind. I'll eat yours for you. 39 00:03:06,319 --> 00:03:08,446 Mmm! 40 00:03:16,729 --> 00:03:18,856 Who's that anyway? 41 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:20,693 That's Mother Bear. 42 00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:24,462 I thought she was... I thought she was dead. 43 00:03:24,604 --> 00:03:30,509 No, that's Mr Rabbit. He's not dead. He's just asleep in the dingly dell. 44 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:35,637 That's how he's missed his birthday tea and why they're all out looking for him. 45 00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:40,985 It's not very sexy, is it? 46 00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:48,322 No. I must say, I expected a lot more from "The Furry Honeypot Adventure". 47 00:03:54,667 --> 00:03:58,194 I think this is for kids, Eddie! 48 00:03:58,338 --> 00:04:02,968 I think those Hussein brothers saw you coming again! What else did you get? 49 00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:05,906 "Big Jugs"! 50 00:04:06,045 --> 00:04:09,446 - Ha, ha, ha! - "Big Jugs"! All right! 51 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:12,244 "A history of pottery in the 19th century"! 52 00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,956 - Anything else? - This one's a sure buy. 53 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,858 "Swedish Lesbians in Blackcurrant Jam"! 54 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,294 Yabba-dabba-doo! 55 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:28,696 It's "Swedish Legends in Blackcurrant Jam-making"! 56 00:04:28,835 --> 00:04:32,293 It must be dirty. It says "Swedish"! 57 00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:37,840 What a disaster! That's my Sunday ruined! 58 00:04:37,977 --> 00:04:40,912 I spent an hour choosing them. What a swizz! 59 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:47,215 Let's stick with "The Furry Honeypot Adventure". It might perk up in a minute. 60 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:50,949 There's that rabbit again. 61 00:04:51,090 --> 00:04:53,217 We should be on for a bit of action. 62 00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:56,351 He's a rabbit, for Christ's sake! 63 00:04:56,496 --> 00:05:01,433 There he goes into the house, and there's Mrs Bear! 64 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:06,800 Go on, my son! He's creeping up behind her. He's gonna surprise her. 65 00:05:08,775 --> 00:05:12,040 And here come all the little baby bears. 66 00:05:12,178 --> 00:05:17,115 They're all singing "Happy Birthday" and having a bit of a dance. 67 00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:22,215 It's not gonna get very dirty, is it? 68 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:28,021 No. You can sort of tell that, can't you, by the way it says, "The End"?! 69 00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:31,755 I'm bloody sick, I don't mind telling you! 70 00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,991 I'm glad they weren't dirty. 71 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:38,900 As a Christian, I couldn't look myself in the face whilst watching a dirty video. 72 00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:43,668 It's Sunday, for Christ's sake... for heaven's... for goodness' sake! 73 00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,176 Are the masses all in church? 74 00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:51,443 No, they're in the vid shop, looking for "Pervy Nights in Bangkok"! 75 00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:54,951 There's plenty of wailing going on, but it's not happening in church! 76 00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,648 When did you last go to church? 77 00:05:57,790 --> 00:06:00,884 I don't have to go. I'm Church of England. 78 00:06:01,027 --> 00:06:02,358 What are you? 79 00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:05,623 - I don't know. - What was your mother? 80 00:06:05,765 --> 00:06:07,995 A wrestler. 81 00:06:09,402 --> 00:06:11,996 That's enough general knowledge for one day. 82 00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,396 - Go away! 83 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:16,940 - Hello, gentlemen. - Mr Harrison, hello. 84 00:06:17,076 --> 00:06:20,603 Sorry about the rent. The Krugerrand's just crashed, 85 00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:25,707 and we can't get the junk bonds out of Liechtenstein yet. 86 00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:28,252 - That was a close one! 87 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:32,290 - This is intolerable! - I'm not here for the rent! 88 00:06:32,425 --> 00:06:35,121 Great! Sit down. Eddie, a cup of tea! 89 00:06:35,261 --> 00:06:37,957 Yes, please! 90 00:06:38,097 --> 00:06:40,031 I'm in a dreadful fix. 91 00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:43,897 I forgot about my stupid mother's bloody funeral! 92 00:06:44,036 --> 00:06:48,530 - Is she dead? - Hope so. Bloody coffin cost me 200 quid. 93 00:06:48,674 --> 00:06:51,643 Cow! I've got to go. Can you run the shop for me? 94 00:06:51,778 --> 00:06:55,805 I have to confess to being frankly really rather shocked. 95 00:06:55,948 --> 00:07:01,386 Me run a shop?! On a Sunday of all things? Absolutely not! 96 00:07:01,521 --> 00:07:04,649 - 50 quid. - You're on. 97 00:07:04,791 --> 00:07:08,192 - I'll show you the ropes. - I don't do lifting. 98 00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:11,819 - Show him the ropes. Show me the till. - No, no, no! 99 00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:15,161 Show me the drinks cabinet and the sign that says "Closed"! 100 00:07:16,469 --> 00:07:19,961 I don't know why they don't just stick 'em in a bin! 101 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:24,065 Have you got a white coat so that everyone knows I'm the shopkeeper? 102 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:27,509 Yeah. Here you are, and here's one for you, Eddie. 103 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:32,050 No, no! Haven't you got a brown one for him? 104 00:07:32,185 --> 00:07:36,246 - Of course I haven't! - Or a badge that says "Assistant"? 105 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,879 What are you talking about? 106 00:07:38,024 --> 00:07:40,083 - I'm in a hurry! - All right. 107 00:07:40,226 --> 00:07:43,252 Put your jacket on back to front or something. 108 00:07:43,396 --> 00:07:45,057 Piss off! 109 00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:51,694 Don't kick up a stink. There is an upstairs-downstairs thing to shopping 110 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,829 which the shopper needs to feel reassured about. 111 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,964 All right. 112 00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:59,776 There! Now everybody knows who everybody is! 113 00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:03,370 Everybody happy now? There's £30 in change in the till. 114 00:08:03,516 --> 00:08:06,212 Just sign there. I'd better be off. 115 00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:10,618 £200 for a coffin, then they set fire to the bastard! 116 00:08:10,756 --> 00:08:14,783 - This is a bit of all right! - Yeah. Shame there's no videos. 117 00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:19,829 It's a very dignified thing being a shopkeeper. 118 00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:24,665 There's power, integrity, snazzy coat... 119 00:08:27,406 --> 00:08:29,169 Yeah... 120 00:08:29,308 --> 00:08:31,276 Yeah... 121 00:08:31,410 --> 00:08:34,208 Morning. Morning. 122 00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:37,344 Morning, your Lordship. 123 00:08:37,483 --> 00:08:42,079 Yes, plenty of gravy mix. You help yourself. I'll put it on the slate. 124 00:08:45,491 --> 00:08:47,618 Oi! What do you think you're doing? 125 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:50,024 Shoplifting, eh, sonny? 126 00:08:50,162 --> 00:08:53,188 Eh? Eh? EH? 127 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:57,998 Haven't you got enough money? So you thought you'd take it out on me 128 00:08:58,137 --> 00:09:01,800 just because I earn so much money! 129 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:05,036 Spurt! Spurt! Spurt! 130 00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:11,049 Only kidding, little kiddy! Take your Jaffa Cakes and run along! 131 00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:12,844 Off you go. 132 00:09:12,985 --> 00:09:16,978 Oh, God, why did you make me so nice? 133 00:09:17,123 --> 00:09:19,921 Has he gone? Right. 134 00:09:20,927 --> 00:09:25,864 I want to report a theft. It was little Johnny Cartwright from the flats. 135 00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:28,330 Nail the sucker. Bust his ass! 136 00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:31,561 I want him doing twenty to ten in the pen! 137 00:09:31,704 --> 00:09:35,663 What do you mean no evidence? What about the goddamn Jaffa Cakes, asswipe? 138 00:09:35,808 --> 00:09:39,266 Yeah? Bullshit! Bullshit! 139 00:09:39,412 --> 00:09:42,813 I'm gonna get Mayor Dooley to... 140 00:09:42,949 --> 00:09:46,646 What's the matter? Are you mad? 141 00:09:47,954 --> 00:09:52,254 Do you want some of this? Do you? 'Cause you're gonna get it, you old git! 142 00:09:52,391 --> 00:09:56,293 You're gonna get this right in your face! 143 00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:58,021 That's right - run! 144 00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:01,793 Just like you did at Goose Green, Argie! 145 00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:05,762 Morning. 146 00:10:11,310 --> 00:10:13,107 British shopkeeping, Eddie. Best in the world! 147 00:10:13,245 --> 00:10:15,179 Yes, yes... 148 00:10:16,415 --> 00:10:18,849 Tuna. Good. 149 00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:22,978 We're a nation of shopkeepers, you know. Oh, yes. 150 00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:27,219 That's what makes us so great. 151 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:31,558 They don't call it "Great Luxembourg" or "Great France". 152 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:33,756 What's so great about a nation of shopkeepers? 153 00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,766 What's so great about a nation of shopkeepers? 154 00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:38,961 Yeah. What's so great about it? 155 00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:43,906 It makes us superior because we know how to run a corner shop! 156 00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:46,375 It only takes an ounce of brain power to see that! 157 00:10:46,512 --> 00:10:48,673 Suits you perfectly, then. 158 00:10:50,416 --> 00:10:52,646 I don't understand that. 159 00:10:54,954 --> 00:10:58,583 The whole cast of "Brookside" are lesbians! 160 00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,284 British journalism, Eddie. Best in the world! 161 00:11:01,427 --> 00:11:04,157 Bloody Nora! 162 00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:09,256 Neil Kinnock's grandparents were homosexual Martians! 163 00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:15,230 Lucky I read that. I was gonna vote Labour! 164 00:11:15,374 --> 00:11:17,604 Another great British scoop. 165 00:11:17,743 --> 00:11:21,804 The "Amsterdam Evening News" couldn't dig up something like that. Frogs! 166 00:11:21,947 --> 00:11:24,040 Hell's teeth! 167 00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:26,777 You can get Aids from bicycling! 168 00:11:26,919 --> 00:11:32,084 I know. Isn't it funny that you only read that in a British newspaper? 169 00:11:33,325 --> 00:11:36,317 Well, you don't read French or Italian papers. 170 00:11:36,462 --> 00:11:39,260 Well, I don't speak French or Italian! 171 00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:42,458 Hold together a cogent argument, why don't you? 172 00:11:42,601 --> 00:11:46,503 Here we go. Holidays in the Algarve 173 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,504 Look at this! 174 00:11:48,641 --> 00:11:52,133 No electricity, no running water, and 1500 quid a month. 175 00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:56,874 People pay for this! South of France We bloody invented it. 176 00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:59,985 George III was the one. All that swimming business. 177 00:12:00,119 --> 00:12:03,418 And the windbreak. Who invented that? The Brits! 178 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,786 Never mind covering yourself in Mazola 179 00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:08,917 and lying around with string up your crack. 180 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:11,621 No, quick dip in the briny, dig up a lugworm, 181 00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:15,359 and in the car before you get pneumonia. That's good enough for me. 182 00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:20,871 Look at this! 38 quid, return coach trip to Nice. Nude beach! 183 00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:24,305 Excuse me. I didn't get my paper this morning. 184 00:12:25,177 --> 00:12:29,204 So? It's not my problem. You should be more careful. 185 00:12:29,348 --> 00:12:31,646 It wasn't delivered. 186 00:12:31,784 --> 00:12:35,515 I get it. Trying to get a free paper, are we? 187 00:12:35,654 --> 00:12:39,852 Spend all morning doing that and you could open up a paper shop! 188 00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:44,895 I don't know what your game is, but I didn't get my paper delivered. 189 00:12:45,030 --> 00:12:48,090 I have the "Mail on Sunday", so if I could take one, please... 190 00:12:48,234 --> 00:12:50,566 - That's the last copy. - OK. 191 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:53,467 - I'm reading that! - Yeah, but it's mine. 192 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:56,404 - It's got my name on it. - That's your name? 193 00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:58,305 55p 194 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,674 Mr 55p! 195 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:05,944 No, my name is Cooper. It's written in biro in the corner. 196 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,045 All right, Mr Cooper. 197 00:13:09,188 --> 00:13:13,090 - There's your paper. Good morning! - Where's the rest of it? 198 00:13:13,225 --> 00:13:15,250 What do you mean, "Where's the rest of it"? 199 00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:20,457 - I want the rest of my paper. - Then, ask for it nicely! 200 00:13:24,270 --> 00:13:27,068 - See ya, Eddie. - Yeah, bye, John. 201 00:13:33,279 --> 00:13:34,746 Thug! 202 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,644 British thugs, Richie. Best in the world! 203 00:13:38,984 --> 00:13:42,920 Damn! We need the particulars for that nudey beach trip! 204 00:13:43,055 --> 00:13:46,218 Well, there is a nudey beach in Brighton, you know. 205 00:13:46,358 --> 00:13:51,660 It's £12.69 exactly on the InterCity Saver, and the nipples are bigger. 206 00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:53,196 It's the cold wind. 207 00:13:53,332 --> 00:13:57,928 They've got telescopes that you put 20 pence in. It's very discreet! 208 00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:02,370 Let's go! No, we've got to run the shop. 209 00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,237 That's what makes us British, you see? 210 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:07,903 The average Frog would be polishing up his zoom lens 211 00:14:08,047 --> 00:14:10,811 and sticking garlic up his bum. Not us! 212 00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:15,717 - Well, not you, maybe. - Stand firm! Where were you at Agincourt? 213 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:20,083 I stayed on the bus, remember, with Ethel Cardew. 214 00:14:20,226 --> 00:14:22,057 I wasn't talking about that. 215 00:14:22,194 --> 00:14:25,527 - That's why you don't like France! - I don't want to hear this. 216 00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:30,067 You don't like France 'cause you've only ever had one bird, 217 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:35,799 and I shagged her on the Christmas Club coach trip to Bruges! 218 00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:39,672 - Eddie, she was my fiancée. - Well, she didn't know that. 219 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:45,273 I was going to propose to her, but I wanted to make it romantic. 220 00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:49,911 That's why I took her on a cultural tour of the battlefields of the Low Countries. 221 00:14:50,055 --> 00:14:52,353 - But I decided to come along. - Yes. 222 00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:54,789 I showed her the low countries, all right 223 00:14:54,927 --> 00:15:00,422 I showed her the nether regions! They came at Bruges, they came at Agincourt! 224 00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:02,864 Talk about "The Battle of the Bulge"! 225 00:15:03,002 --> 00:15:05,129 I shouldn't have been car sick over her. 226 00:15:05,271 --> 00:15:09,469 - It's all go, isn't it? 227 00:15:09,608 --> 00:15:13,669 Good morning to you, sir. How may I assist you on this merry day? 228 00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:17,873 Good morning. Now, assistant, what I'd like this fine morning... 229 00:15:18,017 --> 00:15:19,985 Excuse me. Hang on. 230 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,986 Let's get one thing clear, shall we? 231 00:15:23,122 --> 00:15:24,749 I am not an assistant. 232 00:15:24,890 --> 00:15:27,484 - I am a shopkeeper. - Is there a difference? 233 00:15:27,626 --> 00:15:31,118 I've got a white coat on, he's got a jacket on back to front! 234 00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:35,632 That's just the tip of the iceberg, so show a bit of respect! 235 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,670 - What would you like? - The champagne, please. 236 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:45,071 - Are you 18? - No, I'm 54. 237 00:15:46,745 --> 00:15:49,373 - Three bottles. - Are you an alcoholic? 238 00:15:49,515 --> 00:15:54,282 - It's my daughter's birthday! - He's going to drink all this champagne! 239 00:15:54,420 --> 00:15:57,355 There's modern parenthood for you! 240 00:15:57,489 --> 00:15:59,457 What are you doing with that? 241 00:15:59,591 --> 00:16:01,354 This is a chequebook. 242 00:16:01,493 --> 00:16:04,087 This card only guarantees you for £50, 243 00:16:04,229 --> 00:16:09,997 and I'm afraid these items cost more than £50, so you'll have to... 244 00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:12,801 A cheque will do nicely. 245 00:16:12,938 --> 00:16:17,898 - Make it out to "Eddie Hitler". - Hitler! Any relation? 246 00:16:18,043 --> 00:16:19,908 Yes. 247 00:16:22,681 --> 00:16:25,741 So this is you, is it? This sort of squiggle is you? 248 00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,943 A modern artist, are you 249 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:29,679 I am a doctor. 250 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,188 Now bugger orf! 251 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:36,624 That's witty Took you five years at medical school to learn that, did it? 252 00:16:36,762 --> 00:16:39,959 On my money, let's not forget! Bloody students! 253 00:16:40,099 --> 00:16:44,729 Why don't you just go and live in Russia? Get out of my shop! 254 00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:48,567 Bugger out of it! On your bicycle! 255 00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:52,973 Good grief, Eddie. Sometimes, I think there's only you and me left! 256 00:16:53,112 --> 00:16:54,704 Eddie. 257 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:56,314 Eddie? 258 00:16:56,448 --> 00:16:58,416 Eddie! 259 00:17:00,719 --> 00:17:03,620 Eddie, what do you think you're doing? 260 00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:08,159 - I am going to watch some cricket. - What about the shop? 261 00:17:08,293 --> 00:17:12,252 I've had it with that shop assistant lark. I resign! 262 00:17:13,665 --> 00:17:15,895 You won't get any money, you know! 263 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:19,061 I've already got a cheque for 53 quid. 264 00:17:19,204 --> 00:17:21,138 - You bastard! - Yep, that's me. 265 00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:24,003 You're not going to get away with this, you miner! 266 00:17:24,143 --> 00:17:28,773 This is Britain! You're not allowed to go on strike any more. 267 00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:33,613 It's illegal! And don't forget, I'm a mason! 268 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:37,819 I've only got to nod to Scotland Yard 269 00:17:37,956 --> 00:17:41,255 and they'll be in with the tear gas before you can say, "Vote Labour"! 270 00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:45,989 - What are you doing? - You are gonna watch the cricket, too. 271 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:51,000 I am not! I have social responsibilities! See this little old lady! 272 00:17:51,136 --> 00:17:53,001 We shall not fail her! 273 00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:54,730 See her walking! 274 00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:57,671 See her enormous son walking next to her. 275 00:17:57,810 --> 00:18:02,406 She's the one I threatened earlier. See his mighty tattoos! 276 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:06,678 - I think he's gonna whack me! - That's the one. 277 00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,520 You were right! 278 00:18:10,656 --> 00:18:12,783 Maybe watching the cricket will be a bit safer. 279 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,052 - What's the plan? - Well... 280 00:18:15,194 --> 00:18:19,460 We sit up on the roof, watching the cricket and having a picnic. 281 00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:25,036 Someone comes into the shop, the bell rings, we come down and serve them. 282 00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:26,535 Smashing. Let's go. 283 00:18:26,672 --> 00:18:30,665 Righto, young sonny Jim, old fellow me lad, me old pal from the briny, 284 00:18:30,809 --> 00:18:33,437 let's fill up the picnic hamper! 285 00:18:41,987 --> 00:18:43,955 Here he comes... 286 00:18:44,089 --> 00:18:46,114 Here he comes... 287 00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:47,816 And he's out! 288 00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:51,790 Hang on, he's back in again. 289 00:18:53,398 --> 00:18:55,263 She's closed the curtains! 290 00:18:57,369 --> 00:19:00,167 - How's the cricket going? - Well... 291 00:19:00,305 --> 00:19:03,138 ...it still hasn't started. 292 00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:07,378 Those stumps are very big, aren't they? 293 00:19:07,513 --> 00:19:09,674 Let's have a look. 294 00:19:12,951 --> 00:19:16,148 That's the rugby ground. 295 00:19:16,288 --> 00:19:18,779 Cricket's over there. 296 00:19:18,924 --> 00:19:22,087 Oh, yes! Hmm... 297 00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:25,293 What's going on? 298 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:30,390 - They've broken for lunch. - Why is there mayonnaise on your face? 299 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:33,232 It's suntan lotion! 300 00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:38,175 Never heard of low calorie suntan lotion before. 301 00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:41,108 Oh, no! Blast! 302 00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:46,309 Where's the suntan lotion, then? 303 00:19:46,451 --> 00:19:49,318 You squirted it into your cheese roll. 304 00:19:49,454 --> 00:19:52,321 - But I ate that! - I know! 305 00:19:52,457 --> 00:19:56,553 - Why didn't you tell me? - Because I don't like you. 306 00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:01,859 Now I know you're joking me! 307 00:20:04,169 --> 00:20:06,569 This is the life, isn't it? 308 00:20:09,341 --> 00:20:14,244 I should have been a farmer. I really am an earth child. 309 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,711 I know the deep movement. 310 00:20:16,848 --> 00:20:20,113 The only deep movement you know is when you've had a curry! 311 00:20:21,753 --> 00:20:25,154 I am part Red Indian, you know! 312 00:20:25,290 --> 00:20:27,190 That'll be the curry again. 313 00:20:27,326 --> 00:20:29,385 I am. Cherokee! 314 00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:32,725 I can even tell when it's going to rain. 315 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,631 How do you do that? 316 00:20:34,766 --> 00:20:38,566 I sort of look up mystically. 317 00:20:39,571 --> 00:20:41,698 Check out the sky. 318 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,776 If I see any black clouds, "That's it!" I think, "Rain." 319 00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:48,937 What was your Red Indian name, then? 320 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,549 "Running Mouth"? 321 00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:54,652 "Sitting Down"? 322 00:20:54,786 --> 00:20:57,414 "Talking Bollocks"? 323 00:21:01,526 --> 00:21:04,051 "Dances with the Wind." 324 00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,494 That'll be the curry again. 325 00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:10,227 I advise you to take me seriously, or I might make it rain! 326 00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:15,136 That'd be good. Go on, then, "Breezy Trousers", or whatever your name is. 327 00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:18,641 - Make it rain! - You don't dabble with the deep forces. 328 00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:24,113 There's not a cloud in the sky. I'll give you 25 quid if you can make it rain. 329 00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:27,616 You're on! I shall need a tomahawk. 330 00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:30,449 This'll do. That's good, actually. 331 00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:34,889 This may not work properly. I'm used to working in moccasins. 332 00:21:35,827 --> 00:21:39,991 Right. Put up your brolly, this is gonna be a big one. 333 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:42,828 Huh-ya! Jesus, ooh! 334 00:21:44,369 --> 00:21:46,599 Om-balla pappior! 335 00:21:46,738 --> 00:21:49,764 Om-balla pappior! Oompah! Rain! 336 00:21:52,344 --> 00:21:55,006 It worked! Look, Eddie! 337 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:57,274 Ugh! Bloody hell! 338 00:21:57,416 --> 00:22:01,147 - I must have used the wrong chant! - What will you do now? 339 00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:04,414 Bring down a typhoon of buffalo dung? 340 00:22:05,791 --> 00:22:12,458 - Watch it or I'll invoke the Big Spirit! - Pull the other one. It's got bells on! 341 00:22:16,201 --> 00:22:18,431 How did you do that? 342 00:22:18,570 --> 00:22:21,505 Mystical forces, Eddie! Mystical forces! 343 00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:22,902 Rubbish! 344 00:22:23,041 --> 00:22:25,669 It's the shop. We've got a customer. 345 00:22:27,512 --> 00:22:30,174 - Careful with that step. - What step? 346 00:22:30,315 --> 00:22:32,215 - Agh! 347 00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:45,889 Eddie, I've got a lovely chair for you! 348 00:22:46,898 --> 00:22:50,299 Eddie? Maybe he's not coming up. 349 00:22:51,303 --> 00:22:55,000 Eddie! I'm stuck on the roof, Eddie! 350 00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:59,042 I can't open it from out here! Mayday! Mayday! 351 00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:07,080 - Are you OK, Richie? - I think I've broken my nose. 352 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:09,881 You'd better have a sit down. 353 00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:13,217 Thanks, mate. 354 00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:15,451 Oh, my back! 355 00:23:16,461 --> 00:23:20,022 You're lucky. You should see what happened downstairs! 356 00:23:20,165 --> 00:23:22,030 Why? Who was it? 357 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:25,102 There was no one there - 358 00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:28,570 just a bloke lying in the doorway with a bell in the back of his head. 359 00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:30,971 - Did you put the bell back up? - Yes. 360 00:23:33,478 --> 00:23:37,346 - Another customer. Your turn. - Be an angel, Eddie. 361 00:23:37,482 --> 00:23:40,883 I've hurt my face and broken my back. I can't handle three flights. 362 00:23:41,019 --> 00:23:42,384 Three quid. 363 00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:44,421 - £2.50. - Six quid! 364 00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:47,582 You're on! It doesn't do to haggle with Eddie too long! 365 00:23:48,460 --> 00:23:51,623 Eddie, be careful with that step. 366 00:23:51,763 --> 00:23:54,823 - Right. Agh! 367 00:24:03,708 --> 00:24:06,199 Tie the string here... 368 00:24:08,547 --> 00:24:13,314 Careful... I need some bait. What does Eddie like best? 369 00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,784 A pickled onion sandwich! 370 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:28,263 Eddie! I've made your favourite - a pickled onion sandwich! 371 00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:32,559 I hide here, Eddie sees the sandwich, 372 00:24:32,704 --> 00:24:35,639 says, "Pickled onion sandwich - my favourite!" 373 00:24:35,774 --> 00:24:40,507 I pull the string. Whack! Eddie gets the trapdoor in the back of the head! 374 00:24:40,645 --> 00:24:43,136 Nothing can go wrong! 375 00:24:44,316 --> 00:24:47,649 Great! A pickled onion sandwich - my favourite! 376 00:24:47,786 --> 00:24:51,552 Get a load of this, you bastard! Got you now! 377 00:24:52,557 --> 00:24:54,650 You let the trapdoor shut! 378 00:24:54,793 --> 00:24:57,227 - We're stuck on the roof now! - How's that my fault? 379 00:24:57,362 --> 00:25:01,696 - Your head was supposed to stop it! - I didn't know that. 380 00:25:01,833 --> 00:25:03,994 It was a surprise. It was a joke. 381 00:25:04,135 --> 00:25:08,003 - That would have hurt, wouldn't it? - That's what was so funny! 382 00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:10,974 Don't you dare! 383 00:25:13,745 --> 00:25:14,109 - Another customer. 384 00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:18,347 - But we're stuck on the roof! - What about the fire escape? 385 00:25:18,483 --> 00:25:21,714 It collapsed when Tubs Lardy went on it for a bet. 386 00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:25,345 I remember. Shocking mess. That dustbin's still flat! 387 00:25:25,490 --> 00:25:28,254 You can still hear the cat when you shake it. 388 00:25:28,393 --> 00:25:30,020 What about this customer? 389 00:25:30,161 --> 00:25:31,856 Perhaps you should tell him 390 00:25:31,997 --> 00:25:35,364 some bald-headed loony tune has trapped us on the roof, 391 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:39,436 - so we're not serving him today. - That won't work. 392 00:25:39,571 --> 00:25:41,869 - Why not? - He's lying unconscious 393 00:25:42,007 --> 00:25:44,840 with a bell in the back of his head. 394 00:25:44,976 --> 00:25:48,275 Hang on. Someone's coming to help him. 395 00:25:48,413 --> 00:25:51,314 No, they're just nicking his wallet. 396 00:25:51,449 --> 00:25:53,781 - Have they got his wedding ring? - Not yet. 397 00:25:53,919 --> 00:25:57,514 - Let's get down there! - We cannot get off the roof. 398 00:25:57,656 --> 00:26:02,389 There must be some way! Couldn't we make a parachute out of your trousers? 399 00:26:02,527 --> 00:26:05,052 We'd get an aircraft hangar out of yours! 400 00:26:05,196 --> 00:26:08,188 Don't you call me "Mr Wobbly Bottom", young lad! 401 00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:12,667 And why not, "Mr Two Planets Colliding in a Pair of Pants"? 402 00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:17,434 Every time you bend over, it's like watching two zeppelins having it off! 403 00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:21,171 This is no time to discuss the vastness of your bottom. 404 00:26:21,313 --> 00:26:25,545 We have to get off the roof, you madman! They're looting the shop! 405 00:26:27,953 --> 00:26:30,148 Put those Frosties back immediately! 406 00:26:30,288 --> 00:26:31,880 Bring back that Dream Topping! 407 00:26:32,023 --> 00:26:34,890 I'm writing all this down. I know who you are! 408 00:26:35,026 --> 00:26:38,086 You'll all be for the high jump! 409 00:26:38,229 --> 00:26:42,757 That's it - jump! Why don't you jump? Go on. It's only you! 410 00:26:42,901 --> 00:26:45,529 You'd be doing a service. You might get a George Cross! 411 00:26:45,670 --> 00:26:49,231 - I might get two broken legs. - The drainpipe! 412 00:26:49,374 --> 00:26:51,535 It's staring us right in the face! 413 00:26:51,676 --> 00:26:54,474 - You go on, mate! - Why don't you go? 414 00:26:54,613 --> 00:26:59,050 I've got mayonnaise all over my face. What will they think? 415 00:26:59,184 --> 00:27:01,482 Bring those shelves back! 416 00:27:01,620 --> 00:27:05,056 It's getting serious! This is going to cost us a fortune! 417 00:27:05,190 --> 00:27:07,283 - Money? - We'll have to pay for this. 418 00:27:07,425 --> 00:27:08,983 Right. I'm on my way. 419 00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,027 Agh! 420 00:27:13,665 --> 00:27:15,997 I forgot about the string! 421 00:27:17,702 --> 00:27:22,196 - What string? - The string that holds everything onto... 422 00:27:22,340 --> 00:27:25,332 - Agh! 423 00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:27,843 Eddie, are you all right? 424 00:27:27,979 --> 00:27:30,038 Is the car? 425 00:27:30,181 --> 00:27:32,672 That's it. Now fight off all the looters! 426 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:35,445 Get the big one with the tattoos. 427 00:27:35,587 --> 00:27:37,919 No, you're supposed to hit HIM! 428 00:27:38,056 --> 00:27:42,083 Come inside and lock the doors and get me off this bloody roof! 429 00:27:46,931 --> 00:27:49,661 AND STAY OUT! 430 00:27:49,801 --> 00:27:51,996 I'm coming, Richie! 431 00:27:52,137 --> 00:27:56,540 I'm not coming up here again! I'll just remember the old maxim, 432 00:27:56,675 --> 00:28:00,111 "If you want to have a good time, forget it!" 433 00:28:06,551 --> 00:28:07,916 Ta-da!