1
00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:45,207
Right... ironmonger.

2
00:00:45,378 --> 00:00:50,338
- Hmm. How many letters?
- Um... ten.

3
00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:55,380
- What does it begin with?
- Well..."l".

4
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:03,621
- Well, write it down, then.
- Ironmonger begins with I. That's the clue.

5
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:05,958
So put it down!

6
00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:10,167
Well, there's only room for six letters.

7
00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:16,670
- You'll have to spell it wrong.
- All right.

8
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:20,704
V... Z...

9
00:01:23,383 --> 00:01:26,546
- So what have you got?
- Vzbxks.

10
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:30,884
Good. Good start.
How does that help us with two down?

11
00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:32,820
Er... all right, two down.

12
00:01:32,992 --> 00:01:38,396
Um... fish, four letters, now begins with... X.

13
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,567
- X?
- Xylophone. Xylophone fish.

14
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:46,835
No, it would sink, wouldn't it?

15
00:01:47,874 --> 00:01:52,277
- I'm not sure that "vzbxks" is right.
- Mmm!

16
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:58,179
Hey, why don't we think of another word that
means ironmonger but only has six letters?

17
00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:04,155
- That'd be cheating, wouldn't it?
- Who's to know?

18
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:07,349
You're right, my old pal!

19
00:02:08,194 --> 00:02:11,686
- We get through a few scrapes, don't we?
- Yeah!

20
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:16,461
- So where are we?
- Er... right. Ironmonger, six letters.

21
00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:19,800
Oh, got it! Harold!

22
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,873
Har...?!

23
00:02:22,575 --> 00:02:25,772
- Harold?
- Yeah, he's an ironmonger, isn't he?

24
00:02:25,945 --> 00:02:27,913
Harold the ironmonger.

25
00:02:28,081 --> 00:02:31,812
Remember! We ate his dog!

26
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:35,944
Oh, right! Yeah!
We bloody won that bet, didn't we?

27
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:40,725
- We didn't. That's why we had to eat his dog.
- Oh, yeah, right.

28
00:02:40,894 --> 00:02:45,831
OK. Well, Harold it is. No, hang on, hang on.
Harold only has five letters.

29
00:02:46,799 --> 00:02:52,635
Well, I could make the "Huh" really big
so it filled out the first two squares.

30
00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:58,266
- Are there any words dangling off them?
- No. The only one we've got so far is "vzbxks".

31
00:02:58,444 --> 00:03:01,572
- All right! Bang it in, buster!
- Right, then.

32
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,080
"Huh"..."Ah"...

33
00:03:05,151 --> 00:03:09,281
- There's no room for the D.
- For heaven's sake! Who prints these things?

34
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:13,482
What is the point of having a clue
if it doesn't fit the holes?

35
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:16,629
I think I'll just put "bollocks".

36
00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:21,324
No, no. No, come on, Eddie,
let's do it properly or not at all.

37
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:24,698
All right, then, not at all!

38
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:28,563
God, I hate crosswords!

39
00:03:29,509 --> 00:03:31,739
We can't go on like this!

40
00:03:31,911 --> 00:03:39,283
- Why did they take the telly away?!
- You know why they took the telly away.

41
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:42,012
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do, Edward Hitler.

42
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:48,457
They took it away because, while wending
your way to the telly shop with the rent,

43
00:03:48,628 --> 00:03:55,329
you ran into a rather strange and wizened
old man who sold you five magic beans,

44
00:03:56,970 --> 00:04:03,603
which, coincidentally, cost exactly the £86.23
we owed in back rent to Rumbelows.

45
00:04:04,477 --> 00:04:11,474
- They are magic beans, you know.
- Oh, yes, and here is the magic beanstalk!

46
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:17,480
I'm glad I've got a head for heights,
'cause it's a whopper, isn't it?

47
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:22,318
We'll need oxygen masks
before we get to the top, Sir Edmund

48
00:04:24,197 --> 00:04:33,401
It wasn't ME who let us get behind with the rent.
How did we get £86.23 behind in the first place?

49
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:38,067
Er... all right, let's change the subject.
It's irrelevant. In fact, I forgive you.

50
00:04:38,244 --> 00:04:43,511
It wasn't ME who bypassed Rumbelows
every week for the last three months,

51
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:49,918
saved up the £86.23
and took it five doors along

52
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:55,857
to Dr O'Grady's Personal Organ
Enhancement Clinic... was it?!

53
00:04:56,029 --> 00:05:01,194
- Er... cup of tea, Eddie, or some money?
- We have no money! That's the problem!

54
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:05,701
- I know, let's have a no-talking competition!
- "For a mere £85..."

55
00:05:05,872 --> 00:05:08,670
- Oh, God!
- "For a mere £85...

56
00:05:08,841 --> 00:05:12,402
"...you can have your personal organ enhanced

57
00:05:12,578 --> 00:05:17,072
"so it is comparable in size to that
of a fully-grown mountain gorilla!"

58
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:22,915
When he said comparable,
he meant an awful lot smaller than.

59
00:05:23,089 --> 00:05:28,652
- You mean it didn't work
- Yes. He did enhance it temporarily.

60
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:36,098
"Revolutionary enlargement technique"! He
stuck me in a cubicle with a copy of "Razzle"!

61
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:43,907
85 quid! I could've been watching
"Emmerdale Farm" now!

62
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:47,240
Yeah, then you could've got one for free!

63
00:05:49,982 --> 00:05:56,387
All right, we're both to blame. Why don't we stop
talking about it and sit down nicely and watch...

64
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,047
Oh, bugger!

65
00:06:02,962 --> 00:06:06,989
Oh, come on, Eddie,
there must be more to life than telly.

66
00:06:11,170 --> 00:06:14,105
You're right, there isn't!

67
00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:21,177
This is unbearable. We could be missing
a "Watchdog" special on faulty bikinis.

68
00:06:22,181 --> 00:06:28,984
Oh, don't. Right, come on, Eddie, we should
try and be positive about the lack of telly.

69
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:35,651
We should treat this as an educational,
spiritual and cultural plus. So... tiddlywinks?

70
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:40,560
- No, no, we ended up in hospital last time.
- True.

71
00:06:41,968 --> 00:06:48,237
Ohh, what a sad and tragic waste
of a young, attractive life.

72
00:06:52,879 --> 00:06:58,044
Hey, that's it! What about
Pin the Tail on the Donkey?

73
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:04,221
- We haven't got a donkey.
- Well, Pin the Tail on the Chicken!

74
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:07,621
- No tail.
- Pin the Sausage on the Chicken!

75
00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:11,195
- We haven't got a chicken.
- Pin the Sausage on the Fridge.

76
00:07:11,364 --> 00:07:14,299
- Or a pin.
- Sellotape a Sausage to the Fridge!

77
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:21,400
- We haven't got a sausage!
- Put a Bit of Sellotape on the Fridge!

78
00:07:24,343 --> 00:07:28,712
- It's not much of a game, is it?
- You have to do it blindfold!

79
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:33,215
- But we haven't even got a blindfold!
- We'll have to improvise!

80
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:39,550
- OK?!
- All right.

81
00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:45,755
- Give me sellotape to stick on the fridge.
- Look out, it's the last bit. Better be careful.

82
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:04,882
- Is that it, then?
- Yeah.

83
00:08:05,785 --> 00:08:11,485
- Who won?
- It matters not. Only how you play the game.

84
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,852
Oh, you mean I won.

85
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:21,597
Yes, I suppose so. I mean, if it's so important
to you, you did win. Eddie, it's only a game.

86
00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:29,036
Shit, shit, shit! VD, VD, VD!
Why do I bloody lose everything always?!

87
00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:38,108
So... you think you're good at games,
do you, big boy?

88
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:44,823
Well, what about a REAL game?
The game of champions!

89
00:08:44,991 --> 00:08:49,894
The clash of the great big minds!
The battle of the titans!

90
00:08:50,062 --> 00:08:55,364
You mean a see-how-much-custard-you-can-
hold-in-your-underpants competition!

91
00:08:55,535 --> 00:09:00,029
Ye... No! Although that's a bloody good idea!

92
00:09:00,206 --> 00:09:06,076
We'll do that later if my idea doesn't work out,
but this time let's let the custard cool down.

93
00:09:06,245 --> 00:09:10,443
- And that handstand rule is a disaster.
- Apart from that, bloody good game.

94
00:09:10,616 --> 00:09:15,952
Absolutely. Mind you, you always have
an advantage because your underpants

95
00:09:16,122 --> 00:09:18,454
are so stupendously huge!

96
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:21,593
Too right, matey! OK, may the best man win!

97
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:32,170
So it's agreed? I'm the winner!

98
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:35,899
Yeah, all right.

99
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,441
I told you not to sit down!

100
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:50,421
Right, so you won the Stick the Sellotape
on the Fridge competition

101
00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:55,550
and I won the custardy-pants tournament -
that makes it... er... ooh, one-all.

102
00:09:56,295 --> 00:09:58,320
Right, time for a tie-breaker.

103
00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:05,232
It's 10 o'clock now. Probably missing
a "Late Show" special on lesbian art.

104
00:10:07,907 --> 00:10:12,367
- How do you feel about trying your luck?
- No, I'm not going out now.

105
00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:16,339
Even if I did score,
my underpants are all custardy.

106
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,111
No, I mean what about a game of chess?

107
00:10:21,287 --> 00:10:26,418
Chess? We haven't got a chess set, have we?

108
00:10:28,894 --> 00:10:34,833
Of course we have, you silly billy! There's my
antique chess set that Auntie Dorothy left me.

109
00:10:35,001 --> 00:10:39,097
I've got it under lock and key in my strong box
because it's so valuable.

110
00:10:41,741 --> 00:10:45,108
Well, don't look! I'm getting my key
from the secret place.

111
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:47,677
Behind the radio.

112
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:54,681
What's the key doing embedded in this cake
of soap? That's a bit dangerous, isn't it?

113
00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:59,857
Someone could take a copy of it from that.
I must speak to the cleaning lady.

114
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:04,721
- We haven't got a cleaning lady!
- Then, I must get one and speak to her!

115
00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:12,235
Here we are. This chess set was at Waterloo.
Wellington played on it before the big fight.

116
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:18,344
The men are carved from antique ivory. They're
worth 75 quid each, according to Aunt Dorothy.

117
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:21,912
Eddie, where have all the pieces gone?!

118
00:11:22,815 --> 00:11:25,511
Ah-ah-ahem! Pardon?

119
00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:33,356
- This is ridiculous! There's only five pieces left!
- Are you sure Wellington put them all back?

120
00:11:33,526 --> 00:11:36,859
Of course he did. He wasn't a stupid man.
He invented the Chelsea boot.

121
00:11:37,029 --> 00:11:44,959
Never mind, I'm sure we'll manage somehow.
I mean... we ARE British, after all!

122
00:11:46,305 --> 00:11:52,676
Yes... that's right. That's the spirit. I'd like
to see some Spic play with five pieces!

123
00:11:52,845 --> 00:11:57,214
- What colour do you wanna be? Black or white?
- White.

124
00:11:57,383 --> 00:11:59,874
Right, you win. There are no black pieces left.

125
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:05,615
- That was fun. What shall we do now?
- Let's play with a full deck.

126
00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:10,558
- We've only got five pieces.
- We can use other things.

127
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:14,131
- Great idea!
- We need 16 prawns.

128
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:18,168
We've got a bag in the freezer
four years past their sell-by date.

129
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:25,833
Oh, chess! God, I adore chess!
I should've been a chess champion.

130
00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:32,013
If I'd spent my life learning how to play chess,
I could've been the chess champion.

131
00:12:32,184 --> 00:12:34,709
I look a bit Slavic, don't you think?

132
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:42,117
- What's this cress doing in the fridge?
- It's a yoghurt you started during the Gulf War.

133
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:47,659
- You could've told me! Might as well finish it.
- Oh, yeah, chess!

134
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:52,497
Oh, God, if only I had a smoking jacket!
Hang on!

135
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:05,917
Doesn't taste like banana and peach.

136
00:13:07,253 --> 00:13:13,488
- Da-daaa! What do you think, Eddie?
- You've got your raincoat on inside out.

137
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:19,529
- Are you off? I thought we were playing chess.
- It's a smoking jacket. Sophisticates wear them.

138
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:25,330
- Why have YOU got one on? You don't smoke.
- And nor does my jacket!

139
00:13:26,272 --> 00:13:29,901
God, I feel just like Noël Wilde today!

140
00:13:30,075 --> 00:13:35,945
Right, here we go, then.
Now, that can be the king.

141
00:13:36,115 --> 00:13:40,575
- It has to be, doesn't it? It's brown sauce!
- Cigarette, my dear?

142
00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:45,383
I don't mind if I do. Have a biro
to smoke it through. Ta very much.

143
00:13:48,627 --> 00:13:50,492
Your new play was great!

144
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:55,191
There's only one thing better than having
a great play and that's having two!

145
00:13:56,101 --> 00:13:59,628
That doesn't make any sense, Oscar!
None of my stuff does!

146
00:14:00,372 --> 00:14:03,603
Nice bit of biro, by the way. Ta very much.

147
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,511
Nice.

148
00:14:19,491 --> 00:14:25,430
Right, then, all set. A little unconventional
but most of it's fresh.

149
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:31,468
Oh, Eddie, this is so sophisticated!
I feel just like Lord Byron.

150
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:35,095
And Earl thingy
with the flappy stuff around his chin.

151
00:14:35,274 --> 00:14:38,937
Really? 'Cause you look like a stupid git
with his raincoat on inside out.

152
00:14:39,111 --> 00:14:44,276
This is fantastic! Chess is the best idea
we ever had and it was one of mine!

153
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:50,045
Right, this has gotta be perfect!
It's just two guys, no chicks.

154
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:55,888
Man to man. Cultured, urbane, civilised
male stuff. And I'm not being funny.

155
00:14:56,061 --> 00:15:02,364
Right, what do we need? Twiglets! High society
stuff - dishes of nosey-picks scattered around.

156
00:15:02,534 --> 00:15:04,900
- Olives!
- You're catching on! Great idea!

157
00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:12,033
- We haven't got any olives. What about prunes?
- They look like olives and make you regular!

158
00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:17,945
- Tin of prunes coming right up, Mr Byron.
- Cocktails! What would James Bond have?

159
00:15:18,117 --> 00:15:23,885
He'd have a load of birds round his gaff
and a corset on so no one'd guess he was 60.

160
00:15:27,693 --> 00:15:31,527
Vodka Martini -
shaken about the place but not spilt!

161
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:37,363
- How do you make a Vodka Martini?
- It's gotta have some vodka in it.

162
00:15:37,536 --> 00:15:41,802
What about vodka and... um... Martini?
Or is that being too stupid?

163
00:15:41,974 --> 00:15:46,070
- We haven't got any vodka or Martini.
- What have we got?

164
00:15:46,245 --> 00:15:51,114
- A drop of Pernod and half a bottle of ouzo.
- That'll do nicely.

165
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:55,615
- And put a bit of salt around the rim.
- I beg your pardon?

166
00:15:59,124 --> 00:16:02,116
I know what I'm talking about.
Everybody in Hollywood does it.

167
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:06,663
I'll just put a bit of salt
around the edge of the glass.

168
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:15,735
Ah, perfect! Ha-ha-ha-hah! Watching
your tellies, are you? Addling your brains?

169
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:21,346
We're having an evening of culture and chess
while you're vegetating in front of "Emmerdale",

170
00:16:21,513 --> 00:16:24,107
you poor, sad peasants!

171
00:16:24,950 --> 00:16:31,378
What's happened? Has Matt sorted out that
problem with Amos in t'top field? Pardon?

172
00:16:32,057 --> 00:16:37,085
No, I have not! It's a smoking jacket!
You ignorant git!

173
00:16:42,134 --> 00:16:47,299
It's a shame we have to live in this area,
it really is! Have we got any glacé cherries?

174
00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,904
- No, I don't think we have.
- Bung marmalade in. No one'll know.

175
00:16:53,045 --> 00:16:55,377
Let's have a little taste.

176
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,982
Here you go! The best of luck to you,
and I mean that sincerely!

177
00:17:04,156 --> 00:17:05,714
Right! Cheers!

178
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:11,056
Oh, no, before you start drinking, as this is
a special occasion... Should we dim the lights?

179
00:17:11,230 --> 00:17:16,600
We haven't got a dimmer.
Shall I get my hammer?

180
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:21,001
No. We'll just narrow our eyes a bit. Right...

181
00:17:23,075 --> 00:17:25,976
- Where are you?
- I think I'm over here.

182
00:17:26,145 --> 00:17:29,876
As this is a special occasion
and we've invented a new cocktail -

183
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:35,715
Pernod, ouzo, marmalade and salt -
we should think of a special name for it.

184
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:40,882
What about the... the Bloody... Awful?

185
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:45,759
- Oh, come on, Eddie, take it seriously.
- Got it! The Esther Rantzen!

186
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:51,267
- Why?
- It pulls your gums back over your teeth!

187
00:17:51,970 --> 00:17:58,170
All right, then... the Esther Rantzen it is!
Cheers!

188
00:18:03,482 --> 00:18:07,976
And on tonight's programme,
an interesting misprint that says "penis".

189
00:18:10,589 --> 00:18:16,721
I see what you mean, yeah! Phwoar! It's lacking
something, isn't it? Have we got any umbrellas?

190
00:18:16,895 --> 00:18:18,988
Coming right up!

191
00:18:25,204 --> 00:18:27,195
Here we go.

192
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:34,306
Ah, this is the life, Eddie.
Sophisticated living, gentlemen's rooms.

193
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:38,917
Yes, here we are underneath our umbrellas
drinking ouzo and salt,

194
00:18:39,084 --> 00:18:41,985
each behind his line of frozen prawns.

195
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,287
- That's what I love about you!
- What?

196
00:18:45,457 --> 00:18:47,482
You're completely insane!

197
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:58,092
Oh, gosh, I feel great! 'Course, you know
why I never got married, don't you?

198
00:18:58,270 --> 00:19:00,465
- Yep.
- Yeah, tragic, isn't it?

199
00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:06,669
- No. Right, shall we get started?
- Right... Oh, no! Wait!

200
00:19:06,845 --> 00:19:10,713
I know what we need! Music! Of course!
What shall we have?

201
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,681
Ohhh, James Last, Burt Back-a-ratch.

202
00:19:15,187 --> 00:19:18,987
Molière! Molière!
He could bash out a tune or two!

203
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:24,095
# Tum tum tiddly tum tum tum tum tum... #
And the other twiddly bits.

204
00:19:25,063 --> 00:19:27,759
- He was Scottish, you know.
- Who? Vivaldi?

205
00:19:27,933 --> 00:19:31,835
I'm talking about composers!
It's football, football, football with you!

206
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:38,132
- Remember that night those girls turned up?
- No.

207
00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:42,144
Yeah, shame. Mind you, they bloody nearly did.

208
00:19:42,314 --> 00:19:48,719
Your mistake was turning out the stair lights
and shouting, "Grab this, it's the banisters!"

209
00:19:50,322 --> 00:19:55,726
Worth a try, Eddie, worth a try!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Great days!

210
00:19:56,528 --> 00:20:00,089
- No, they weren't.
- No, but you have to say that.

211
00:20:00,265 --> 00:20:04,998
- Come on! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! Great days!
- Rrrr. Great days.

212
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:10,472
- Yes, they were! Come on, let's go out!
- I thought we were playing chess.

213
00:20:10,642 --> 00:20:18,208
Wonderful chess! Did I tell you about that time
Uncle Roderick drowned in the Ungugu River?

214
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,045
- No!
- Good, it's rather embarrassing.

215
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,986
Let's get on! Oh, I feel great! Let's dance!

216
00:20:25,857 --> 00:20:34,765
- Sit down! You're getting over-excited!
- Yes, of course. Sit down. Good idea.

217
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:39,836
OK, this is it. Everything's ready!
Are you ready, Eddie?

218
00:20:40,005 --> 00:20:43,031
- Yep.
- Right, all set.

219
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,301
- Oh, one more thing.
- What?

220
00:20:45,477 --> 00:20:52,280
- How do you actually play chess?
- You don't know how to play chess?

221
00:20:52,451 --> 00:20:57,855
Well... no. I know how to ride a bike,
so I'll pick it up pretty quick.

222
00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:03,290
Just tell me which pieces are mine, which way
round the board we go. Do we get any money?

223
00:21:09,968 --> 00:21:13,426
Let's go through the rules one more time,
then we can start properly.

224
00:21:14,773 --> 00:21:20,211
- How does the racehorse move again?
- It's not a racehorse, it's a knight!

225
00:21:22,614 --> 00:21:27,176
- Where's the knight, then?
- Well, he must have fallen off.

226
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:31,854
- Not much of a knight, is he?
- Just put it back.

227
00:21:32,024 --> 00:21:33,753
All right, all right.

228
00:21:34,826 --> 00:21:37,852
- And that one's called a rook?
- Yes!

229
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:40,521
Why? Does it nest in trees

230
00:21:40,699 --> 00:21:45,693
- No, it's a castle!
- But it's called a rook?

231
00:21:45,871 --> 00:21:49,830
- Yes, some people call it a rook.
- Which people? Blind ones?

232
00:21:53,645 --> 00:21:57,581
- Yes.
- Oh, I see, I see. Right.

233
00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:02,547
- But the castle can move, you say?
- That's right.

234
00:22:02,721 --> 00:22:06,589
- Even though it hasn't got any legs?
- Yes.

235
00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:14,496
It's not very likely, is it, Eddie?
And this is also a bishop, you say?

236
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:18,033
- Yes.
- And he bends sideways?

237
00:22:18,203 --> 00:22:22,606
- Correct.
- Well, there's no surprise there!

238
00:22:22,774 --> 00:22:26,938
I wonder what the church is coming to!
Let me get this sorted out.

239
00:22:27,112 --> 00:22:34,883
The bent vicar stands next to the queen...
and the queen goes in every direction.

240
00:22:35,053 --> 00:22:37,886
That's right.

241
00:22:38,990 --> 00:22:41,959
And they let children play this, you say?

242
00:22:43,128 --> 00:22:46,120
It's pretty strong stuff, isn't it, Eddie?

243
00:22:46,298 --> 00:22:52,897
Knights taking prawns and then, if a prawn
goes all the way, he turns into a queen!

244
00:22:53,071 --> 00:22:57,030
- Shut up, Richie, and play the game!
- OK, OK, let's go!

245
00:22:57,209 --> 00:23:02,772
Hey, I know! Let's pretend I'm James Bond
and you're a baddy - Q or whoever -

246
00:23:02,948 --> 00:23:06,543
and if I lose I have to die!

247
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:10,511
- Fair enough.
- Yeah, great!

248
00:23:10,689 --> 00:23:16,525
We should have loads of birds around -
all like Ursula Andress! Everyone's in bikinis!

249
00:23:16,695 --> 00:23:19,562
- Shall I get some of my magazines out?
- Richie!

250
00:23:19,731 --> 00:23:25,363
I've been here since 10 last night.
It's now 5 o'clock in the morning!

251
00:23:25,537 --> 00:23:30,065
We've finished off the Pernod, the ouzo,
the Old Spice,

252
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:35,305
even the industrial strength floor cleaner -
three litres of it!

253
00:23:35,480 --> 00:23:39,416
I've explained the rules of chess
to you 124 times!

254
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:45,181
I'm buggered if I'll let you delay the game again
while you scan "Amateur Photographer"!

255
00:23:47,292 --> 00:23:49,817
OK?! Right!

256
00:23:50,462 --> 00:23:53,625
King's prawn to king's prawn 4.

257
00:23:57,903 --> 00:24:01,737
- Why do you have to do that?
- Shut up! It's your move!

258
00:24:02,808 --> 00:24:06,175
My move. OK.

259
00:24:44,516 --> 00:24:47,417
Yes... yes.

260
00:24:47,586 --> 00:24:49,451
Am I black or white?

261
00:24:50,722 --> 00:24:56,922
You're black! You're those ones there!
The ones next to YOU!

262
00:24:57,095 --> 00:25:03,034
- Now, make your move!
- All right, don't hustle me! I know your tactics.

263
00:25:03,201 --> 00:25:08,503
What would Napoleon do? Lose the Battle
of Waterloo. That's no good to me.

264
00:25:08,673 --> 00:25:11,574
Only one thing for it! Attack, attack, attack!

265
00:25:11,743 --> 00:25:13,734
Over the top, lads! CHARGE!

266
00:25:16,648 --> 00:25:21,676
Ahhhhhhh! I'm hit! No, leave me here!
Oh, my arms and legs have come off!

267
00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:25,482
Ohhhhh, the blood! Oh, the horror!
I'm getting out of here!

268
00:25:25,657 --> 00:25:31,755
# Da-da da-da daa da-da-da da-da! #
Shoot that prawn! Pow! "Ahhhhhhh!"

269
00:25:31,930 --> 00:25:36,867
Everybody follow me! # Da-da-da! #
I'm a bishop! I have to go sideways!

270
00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:38,832
# Da-da-da! # Ahhhhh!

271
00:25:39,437 --> 00:25:42,668
Rat-a-tat-a-tat!
Hooray! It's the queen's own ketchup!

272
00:25:45,544 --> 00:25:46,875
Pow, pow, pow!

273
00:26:04,963 --> 00:26:08,990
- That's your move, is it?
- Yep.

274
00:26:09,167 --> 00:26:11,294
Get out of that one, Rommel!

275
00:26:32,157 --> 00:26:34,625
Checkmate!

276
00:27:19,704 --> 00:27:21,729
No! Ahhhhhhhh!

277
00:27:30,348 --> 00:27:35,308
You know, it's funny.
They say television encourages violence.

278
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:39,947
I'm smashing his face in
and we haven't got one!

279
00:27:40,125 --> 00:27:44,824
That's where he's wrong, listeners.
We DO have a telly and here it is.

280
00:27:44,996 --> 00:27:48,363
- Where did that come from?
- It was behind the fridge.

281
00:27:48,533 --> 00:27:50,967
I hid it when Rumbelows came round.

282
00:27:51,136 --> 00:27:54,663
Why didn't you tell me?
I could've been watching television!

283
00:27:54,839 --> 00:27:58,036
I thought it'd be interesting
to spend an evening without it.

284
00:27:58,209 --> 00:28:02,839
We could chat a bit more. It's good for our
relationship to get a bit of interaction going.

285
00:28:04,649 --> 00:28:07,846
Well... if it's interaction you want...

286
00:28:09,087 --> 00:28:11,282
...cop a load of this, matey!