1
00:00:41,574 --> 00:00:44,236
No objection to an identity parade?

2
00:00:44,411 --> 00:00:49,974
None. We're socially responsible.
Do we get the eight quid now?

3
00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:54,052
We were just on our way to give blood.

4
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:59,749
- Right.
- I get £6 a bottle 'cause mine's 90% proof.

5
00:00:59,926 --> 00:01:04,022
They're swarthy-looking. Which is the criminal?

6
00:01:04,197 --> 00:01:09,635
- These are the other volunteers.
- That one? Eh? Oh, that's right.

7
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:14,137
- I'll bring the suspect in.
- Give him a kicking, do we?

8
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:18,300
No, we let the witness identify him.

9
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:23,279
Oh, that's right. Good policing.
Right, form a line, everybody!

10
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:29,085
Whoops, here he comes. Dear, oh, dear!

11
00:01:29,255 --> 00:01:33,419
Look at that Neanderthal gait.
Only learned to walk upright today.

12
00:01:34,661 --> 00:01:41,863
Hanging's too good for you! How can he mug
old ladies with his knuckles scraping along?

13
00:01:43,403 --> 00:01:45,428
Hello, hello!

14
00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:52,036
Me respectable citizen.
He's making my flesh creep. You vile scum!

15
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,272
- Do you mind?
- Ooh, it talks!

16
00:01:55,448 --> 00:02:01,819
- What's next, a quest for fire?
- Gentlemen, I'm Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.

17
00:02:01,988 --> 00:02:04,786
Chief Inspector Grobb...

18
00:02:08,361 --> 00:02:14,766
The suspects are highly dangerous.
I don't want any of you fraternising, OK?

19
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:22,007
Look! Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog.
Hello, boys! What are you doing here?

20
00:02:22,175 --> 00:02:25,975
A bomb went off 200 miles away
and they arrested us.

21
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:31,015
- I hope we're not IRA.
- It's very secretive. We wouldn't know.

22
00:02:31,184 --> 00:02:38,090
Even if you were, you'd be OK. You'd get
17 years in jail and then get out scot-free.

23
00:02:38,258 --> 00:02:41,853
If I go down, I'm taking one of them with me.

24
00:02:42,028 --> 00:02:44,519
- Why's that?
- It's the way I fall.

25
00:02:44,697 --> 00:02:49,691
That's him! That's the one! Vicious bastard.
Ooh, me blood runs cold.

26
00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,393
Hello, Mum.

27
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:55,735
Send him down! Electrocute him! Guillotine him!

28
00:02:55,909 --> 00:03:00,869
- I'll tidy my room tomorrow!
- Where's my handbag?

29
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:03,607
- What do you know about my father?
- Nothing.

30
00:03:03,783 --> 00:03:07,310
- As I suspected.
- Concentrate on the bag.

31
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:11,218
It's hard to concentrate on anything else!

32
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:16,155
- Do you recognise any of these men?
- I know them all.

33
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:21,393
- Who took the bag?
- He did!

34
00:03:21,568 --> 00:03:25,060
- It was a cross-dressing party.
- Let's see.

35
00:03:25,238 --> 00:03:28,639
- Your son borrowed your handbag?
- Right.

36
00:03:28,808 --> 00:03:32,938
- Villain!
- Take her out for a good drubbing.

37
00:03:33,980 --> 00:03:35,880
Oh, shit!

38
00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:45,756
Eight quid each!
It pays to be a responsible citizen.

39
00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:48,120
- Oh, hello!
- Hello.

40
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:50,159
- You're new.
- Yes.

41
00:03:50,330 --> 00:03:55,097
Good! In that case, hello!
We're from Health and Safety.

42
00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:58,669
Can we examine two halves and some pasties?

43
00:03:58,838 --> 00:04:03,275
- Oi, Eddie!
- See they got new staff!

44
00:04:03,443 --> 00:04:09,814
- Great, innit?
- No need to spend any of our line-up money!

45
00:04:09,983 --> 00:04:15,944
Remember, lads, don't get too sloshed.
We got another one in Paddington today.

46
00:04:16,122 --> 00:04:20,491
- What's the crime?
- Flashing. Make it convincing.

47
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:24,721
- Mum, do you want another drink?
- Same again.

48
00:04:24,897 --> 00:04:31,666
- Another three bottles of brandy.
- I'd better test another eight pints of lager.

49
00:04:31,838 --> 00:04:35,968
- There's a lot of government people today.
- That's right.

50
00:04:36,142 --> 00:04:39,270
How attractive you look
in that short summer frock.

51
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:46,210
It's quite lovely, isn't it?
Tell me, do you use Timotei?

52
00:04:48,888 --> 00:04:53,086
With such beautiful hair,
you must pop up a mountain,

53
00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:55,659
dip it in a stream and flick it about.

54
00:04:55,828 --> 00:05:01,198
Are you a Page Three girl?
If you wanted to, you could be.

55
00:05:01,367 --> 00:05:04,803
Take your top off, we'll give you our opinion.

56
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,563
Shut up, Eddie!

57
00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:10,609
You know...

58
00:05:12,378 --> 00:05:17,179
in the short time I've known you,
I've fallen head-over-heels in love with you.

59
00:05:17,350 --> 00:05:21,946
- What?! That's ridiculous.
- It's crazy, but hear me out.

60
00:05:22,121 --> 00:05:28,060
Ever since I was wounded leading the charge
at Goose Green in the Falklands,

61
00:05:28,227 --> 00:05:31,321
I haven't been able to make love properly.

62
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:37,026
Well, seeing as you're a barmaid -
and we all know what barmaids get up to -

63
00:05:37,203 --> 00:05:41,606
- could you see your way to...
- Having you bunged out?

64
00:05:43,042 --> 00:05:48,844
Well, I've never been "bunged out" before,
but I'm game for anything!

65
00:05:49,015 --> 00:05:53,349
- Was you in the Falklands?
- Shut up! I'm on the brink of a shag!

66
00:05:54,921 --> 00:06:00,257
- Have you read "The Joy of Sex"?
- I don't read things like that.

67
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:03,020
We can just look at the pictures.

68
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:07,428
- When was you there?
- Well, not for a holiday!

69
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:11,502
- So you're a veteran?
- No! I was in the thick of it!

70
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,798
Someone else looked after the ponies.

71
00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:20,905
# Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk

72
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,571
# Night fever, night f... #

73
00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:29,220
That's tight-mouthed Larry, the bookmaker.

74
00:06:32,024 --> 00:06:35,187
He's not very tight-mouthed today, is he?

75
00:06:35,828 --> 00:06:38,524
- Now, dear...
- When was you there?

76
00:06:38,698 --> 00:06:42,498
- Are you a professional bore?
- I was in the Falklands.

77
00:06:42,668 --> 00:06:47,503
Yes, I bet you were,
a chap like you. Got any proof?

78
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,472
Got me service medal, yeah.

79
00:06:53,479 --> 00:06:57,313
- You all right, mate?
- Yes...

80
00:06:57,483 --> 00:07:00,646
I get like this when I meet a compadre.

81
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,311
So... Shit!

82
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:06,048
Er, great.

83
00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:08,659
- You were there?
- I was in Two Para.

84
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,762
You went twice?

85
00:07:11,798 --> 00:07:15,393
- What regiment was you in?
- The English one, of course!

86
00:07:15,568 --> 00:07:21,063
- What outfit was you in?
- The green patchy one, mostly.

87
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:27,770
With the twigs and a leaf. Camouflage.
Not many of the chaps with busbies came back.

88
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:34,876
I remember looking at hordes of Argies going,
"We surrender, Tommy! Hände hoch!"

89
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:38,353
I tell you, I'm perfectly all right!

90
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:48,199
Yeah, so how did you get on?

91
00:07:48,367 --> 00:07:50,562
- Well...

92
00:07:51,804 --> 00:07:53,897
Well... what?

93
00:07:54,073 --> 00:08:00,478
- I lost me leg!
- Oh, I see. Oh, dear! Er, how sad!

94
00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:06,442
- No, look! There it is!
- Look!

95
00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:12,414
Eddie's found it for you.
There it is, under your bottom!

96
00:08:12,592 --> 00:08:17,461
Silly banana! A commando
should keep track of his legs!

97
00:08:17,630 --> 00:08:20,963
Nah, this is me falsie. Look at that.

98
00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:25,968
Two-and-a-half grand that cost.
Hand-carved by naked Balinese maidens.

99
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:31,976
- How do you know they were naked?
- I watched 'em do it!

100
00:08:33,045 --> 00:08:38,483
- That's why it cost so much.
- £2,500, eh?

101
00:08:38,918 --> 00:08:40,249
No, we can't!

102
00:08:43,756 --> 00:08:45,451
Well...

103
00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:50,118
Ha, ha, ha!

104
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:55,499
- It's great when we war horses get together.
- Was you there as well?

105
00:08:55,668 --> 00:08:58,136
- Er, oh, yes!
- What outfit?

106
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:05,738
The grey off-the-shoulder slinky number
with sequins and a split up the side.

107
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:09,143
Only joking. I was in Intelligence.

108
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:12,614
They dropped me behind enemy lines.

109
00:09:12,785 --> 00:09:15,811
Quite a long way behind enemy lines.

110
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,421
Guildford, actually.

111
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:24,924
- What, by parachute?
- No, dropped me from the army. Flat feet.

112
00:09:25,097 --> 00:09:28,555
Did you yomp from Goose Green to Stroud Hill?

113
00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:33,433
Yeah, we all had to do that. There were no lavs.

114
00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:39,340
Just open countryside.
Had to watch where you put your feet.

115
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,848
Must have been a bitch, squatting on one leg!

116
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,857
- But did YOU go to Stroud Hill?
- Of course! Me and my mates.

117
00:09:53,025 --> 00:09:57,394
There was me and, er... Ginger, er... Tommy,

118
00:09:57,563 --> 00:10:00,657
er... Tiddles, er...

119
00:10:00,833 --> 00:10:03,028
Er... Spot,

120
00:10:03,202 --> 00:10:07,366
Joey, Snowy and er... Corky.

121
00:10:08,507 --> 00:10:10,600
There isn't a Stroud Hill in the Falklands.

122
00:10:12,878 --> 00:10:19,511
Er... Oooh... You're the ones that didn't find it?
We had a laugh about you!

123
00:10:20,386 --> 00:10:23,787
Right, here I am, then! Oh, no, I'm not.

124
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:31,527
- What did YOU do, then?
- I can't talk about it.

125
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:36,691
Why, is it embarrassing?
Shit your pants, did you?

126
00:10:37,937 --> 00:10:41,998
- Cry, did you?
- The opposite, actually.

127
00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:45,439
You sucked water in through your eyes?

128
00:10:48,981 --> 00:10:55,216
- No, I took Harrison's Point single-handed.
- That could be nasty!

129
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:58,221
I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I?

130
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,760
- I don't know. It's all bollocks.
- Shh, shh!

131
00:11:02,928 --> 00:11:06,864
- His mind's blanked it all out.
- 'Cause it's so horrible?

132
00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:09,866
No, he's just got that sort of mind.

133
00:11:10,036 --> 00:11:12,596
Oh, well, must mingle. Charmed!

134
00:11:13,906 --> 00:11:18,036
- That's where I got the GC.
- Seen a doctor about it?

135
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:22,112
- You probably got germs in the cut.
- George Cross!

136
00:11:22,281 --> 00:11:25,808
Him, was it? You should have known better!

137
00:11:25,985 --> 00:11:29,716
What did you do in the war, Spudgun?

138
00:11:29,889 --> 00:11:34,417
- Nothing, I was unemployed.
- Very convenient!

139
00:11:34,593 --> 00:11:37,687
It is, I live very near the dole office.

140
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:41,856
That's not what I meant!
I spilled blood for the likes of you!

141
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:47,700
- My appendix are on Mount William.
- For what? A few farmers and penguins

142
00:11:47,873 --> 00:11:51,502
and another term of office for Thatcher.

143
00:11:51,677 --> 00:11:54,646
Oh, a Bolshie, eh? A pinko.

144
00:11:54,814 --> 00:11:59,478
Interesting, isn't it? Interesting.

145
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:04,715
- You women never muck in in a scrap.
- Interesting in what way?

146
00:12:06,092 --> 00:12:12,827
Well, it's interesting because, I said it
and anything I say is interesting per se,

147
00:12:12,998 --> 00:12:17,094
and... Well, there isn't a
'Cause the was so great.

148
00:12:18,104 --> 00:12:21,232
Have you any idea how women actually feel?

149
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,774
No, I haven't. That's my problem, really.

150
00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:29,540
- Would you like me to tell you?
- I'll take the practical.

151
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:34,583
- My mum's right.
- Why don't you live in the Soviet Union?

152
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,518
- It doesn't exist.
- And it's horrible.

153
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:41,456
- Er... that's my point!
- Stupid point.

154
00:12:41,627 --> 00:12:46,894
Ten years I fought in the Falklands!
Ten long years!

155
00:12:47,066 --> 00:12:49,967
We didn't have toilets! We didn't have telly!

156
00:12:50,136 --> 00:12:56,006
No buses. We had to carry everything.
Equipment, ammo - whatever that is -

157
00:12:56,175 --> 00:12:59,144
souvenirs, shopping...

158
00:12:59,311 --> 00:13:03,270
Yeah, shopping! I liberated Port Stanley Tesco's.

159
00:13:03,449 --> 00:13:09,046
I was there when Prince Andrew got his
undercarriage shot off. It was after the war.

160
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:12,213
I don't believe you were in the Falklands!

161
00:13:12,391 --> 00:13:15,383
Don't believe me, eh?

162
00:13:19,231 --> 00:13:22,325
- Take a look at this.
- I'd rather not!

163
00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:24,230
Go on! What's that?

164
00:13:25,404 --> 00:13:27,463
It looks like a very small penis.

165
00:13:29,708 --> 00:13:32,973
- Not that, THAT!
- It's an appendix scar.

166
00:13:33,145 --> 00:13:37,980
- Yes, and how do you think I got that?
- An appendix operation.

167
00:13:38,150 --> 00:13:40,175
Yes!

168
00:13:41,420 --> 00:13:44,321
An Argie took it out with a bayonet!

169
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:49,757
I don't believe this so much
I'm gonna smash your face in.

170
00:13:49,929 --> 00:13:54,025
- I'd like to see you try, Hopalong.
- You're about to.

171
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,600
- Give him one!
- I will!

172
00:13:56,769 --> 00:13:58,100
Just try, Buster!

173
00:13:59,371 --> 00:14:02,704
- Eddie, hold me back.
- I'm busy drinking.

174
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:05,070
What?

175
00:14:05,878 --> 00:14:09,974
- This time, Buster...
- That's enough! Calm down.

176
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:14,848
- Lucky escape for you.
- It's on the house. What would you like?

177
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:18,950
- Sexual favours, is it?
- No.

178
00:14:19,992 --> 00:14:23,951
- No? What's wrong with me?
- I think that's obvious.

179
00:14:24,663 --> 00:14:28,929
Oh! Ha, I'm not a homosexual,
if that's what you think.

180
00:14:29,101 --> 00:14:32,593
But you're not strictly heterosexual.

181
00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:36,367
Judas! I've never done it with a bloke!

182
00:14:36,542 --> 00:14:39,511
But you've never done it with a bird, either.

183
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:42,545
- Has he?
- No!

184
00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:45,548
But I'm heterosexual in intent.

185
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:50,052
The nearest you've come to being
heterosexual is locking yourself in

186
00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,350
with an "Amateur Photographer"
and a jar of hand cream.

187
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:58,221
Yeah, but I've done it mentally.

188
00:14:58,397 --> 00:15:02,424
Boy, have I done it mentally! Look at that bicep.

189
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:07,763
You're bloody lucky I didn't hit you
with that one! You'd be on a drip by now.

190
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:12,377
- Want some more?
- Boys, let's finish him off.

191
00:15:12,544 --> 00:15:16,071
- It's OK, we'll just watch.
- All the best!

192
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,715
Oh, Lor!

193
00:15:21,787 --> 00:15:27,919
Sorry, I'll have to stop this fight
because I need somebody to hold on to.

194
00:15:28,093 --> 00:15:30,721
I think I'm a little bit drunk.

195
00:15:32,064 --> 00:15:33,895
Which way's my betting shop?

196
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:38,400
I've got a dead cert for the 3.30 at Chepstow.

197
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:43,030
Sad Ken. He's 100 to 1,
but he's bound to come in.

198
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:49,807
It's a bit of a secret. Only us bookies
know about it, so don't tell anyone.

199
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:59,056
Let's just keep it a secret
between us few people in here, right?

200
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:03,354
No, tell you what, forget everything I said.

201
00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:07,226
Just wipe it from your minds. All right?

202
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:10,698
- What did I say?
- We can't remember.

203
00:16:10,869 --> 00:16:13,963
- Thank God!
- Chepstow.

204
00:16:14,139 --> 00:16:15,834
- 3.30.
- 100 to 1.

205
00:16:16,008 --> 00:16:19,341
- Sad Ken.
- My secret is safe.

206
00:16:22,047 --> 00:16:25,312
Bloody hell, Eddie, this is our lucky day!

207
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:30,888
Free money from the police, free drinks from
the bit behind the bar who I'm on with later,

208
00:16:31,056 --> 00:16:34,321
and now a free tip from tight-mouthed Larry.

209
00:16:34,493 --> 00:16:39,487
Let's see. Diddly-doo, diddly-doo.
That's 16 quid to put on Sad Ken.

210
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:45,103
It's a shame, 'cause it's the chance
of a lifetime. If only I had a huge wad!

211
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,865
- That or a huge pile of cash.
- Yeah.

212
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:51,566
I've had a great idea. Come to the lavatories.

213
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:55,339
That's the same trick you try every Saturday!

214
00:16:55,514 --> 00:17:00,144
This is no time to be an ugly, ignorant,
no-brained arse-head from hell!

215
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:03,948
- We're stumped, then.
- Yeah.

216
00:17:04,123 --> 00:17:07,058
Come anyway. I have something of interest.

217
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:10,024
OK, anything for a giggle.

218
00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:17,902
You wouldn't be laughing
if you were in my shoes.

219
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:21,471
I'd have very wet feet if I was in your shoes.

220
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,040
Damn! Oh, who cares?

221
00:17:24,209 --> 00:17:28,669
We'll have fur-lined lizard-skin
thigh boots if my plan works.

222
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:32,806
Let's go over it again. Ooh, sorry!

223
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:35,419
Right! Now, this is the plan, OK?

224
00:17:35,587 --> 00:17:38,784
We take off his leg, take it to the pawn shop,

225
00:17:38,957 --> 00:17:43,758
put all the money on the horse, win, redeem
the leg and put it back! He'll never know.

226
00:17:43,929 --> 00:17:47,126
What could go wrong, especially with Sad Ken?

227
00:17:47,299 --> 00:17:51,235
- Right!
- I'll distract him, you swipe the leg.

228
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:57,899
Righty-dokey, matey, bloke, flap old salty
seadog, amigo, jockstrap, piano tuner!

229
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:02,070
- Let's see you balls this up!
- Righto!

230
00:18:03,882 --> 00:18:08,251
Eddie, we're in luck. He's asleep. Get his leg off.

231
00:18:20,966 --> 00:18:23,594
Aghh! Ow!

232
00:18:26,905 --> 00:18:28,873
Eddie... Eddie!

233
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,565
- EDDIE!
- What?

234
00:18:30,742 --> 00:18:34,337
- It's the wrong leg!
- What?

235
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:39,678
- That's the real one!
- What shall I do with it?

236
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,583
Twist it back and slip it in the socket.

237
00:18:59,304 --> 00:19:01,329
Phew!

238
00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:04,738
Stick your hand up his trousers
and undo his falsie.

239
00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:08,806
OK, I'll do it.

240
00:19:09,615 --> 00:19:11,606
There we are.

241
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:25,627
Go to the pawn shop
and slap the money on Sad Ken.

242
00:19:25,797 --> 00:19:30,234
- I'll keep him unconscious.
- OK. Best foot forward. I'll leg it.

243
00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:45,177
Morning!

244
00:19:52,958 --> 00:19:57,657
- No, it's not!
- It's a mink!

245
00:19:57,829 --> 00:20:01,230
- See the pelt.
- This is the third time. Bugger off!

246
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,527
- Ivory?
- Yes, sir?

247
00:20:03,702 --> 00:20:06,899
- Get lost!
- A copy of "Health and Efficiency", please.

248
00:20:07,072 --> 00:20:10,530
- We don't do those.
- Not much of a porn shop!

249
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:13,041
- How much for the telly?
- Ten quid.

250
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:17,615
- It's new and "Bob's Full House" is on later.
- Exactly!

251
00:20:17,783 --> 00:20:20,274
OK, give us a fiver.

252
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:26,117
Come on, Gran, I only want the gold one.
Sad Ken's a dead cert!

253
00:20:26,291 --> 00:20:29,988
Out the way, I'm trying to get me leg over!

254
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:32,926
Saucy sod! It'll cost you!

255
00:20:33,098 --> 00:20:38,536
- What do you say to two quid?
- Ta very much. How was it for you?

256
00:20:38,704 --> 00:20:41,537
How much for this carved wooden leg?

257
00:20:41,707 --> 00:20:45,871
That's a nice bit of objet d'art.

258
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:49,138
Must be worth at least two-and-a-half grand.

259
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,442
- I'll give you £1.50 for it.
- Let's haggle.

260
00:20:52,618 --> 00:20:55,451
- OK, a quid.
- Haggle upwards.

261
00:20:55,621 --> 00:20:56,986
50p!

262
00:20:57,155 --> 00:21:00,613
You're not called Harry the Bastard for nothing!

263
00:21:00,792 --> 00:21:05,092
- I'm called Ted.
- Listen, Ted.

264
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:11,533
I've still got a photo of you, a Chippendale
and a very large drum of Swarfega.

265
00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:14,367
- Have you?
- A-ha.

266
00:21:14,539 --> 00:21:19,238
Then, I'll give you £500 for the leg.
Now, bugger off!

267
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:25,780
# Hush, little baby, don't say a word

268
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:30,411
# Daddy's got a dead cert
in the 3.30 at Chepstow... #

269
00:21:30,589 --> 00:21:33,149
God, what's that 'orrible noise?

270
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:37,989
I've had a nightmare
about a git with a tiny penis singing!

271
00:21:38,163 --> 00:21:41,462
Quick, another seven bottles of Malibu.

272
00:21:41,633 --> 00:21:46,036
- You government types can put it away.
- You're not wrong there!

273
00:21:46,204 --> 00:21:49,833
Sorry about that.
Oh, my head. I'll just walk it off.

274
00:21:50,008 --> 00:21:53,967
No! No, I'll walk it off for you.

275
00:21:56,348 --> 00:22:01,115
- I feel completely legless.
- You don't know the half of it, mate!

276
00:22:01,286 --> 00:22:05,655
- Tell us another two-hour anecdote.
- Well, there was me...

277
00:22:05,824 --> 00:22:10,454
500 quid on the nose on Sad Ken, please.

278
00:22:10,629 --> 00:22:14,725
- Would you like to pay tax?
- Of course not!

279
00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:20,270
- What a ridiculous question.
- Another bundle for Sad Ken.

280
00:22:20,439 --> 00:22:23,966
- 7p on Sad Ken, please.
- 7p?

281
00:22:24,142 --> 00:22:28,238
That's all Harry the Bastard
gave me for my house.

282
00:22:28,413 --> 00:22:30,608
OK, race on!

283
00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:34,445
Here we go. Acapulco here we come!

284
00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:38,055
This is it, boys, untold wealth.

285
00:22:38,223 --> 00:22:40,282
- Birds!
- Booze!

286
00:22:40,459 --> 00:22:42,586
Budgerigars.

287
00:22:43,662 --> 00:22:49,623
And they're off! They're nearly all off.
Stuck in the stalls is Sad Ken.

288
00:22:49,801 --> 00:22:55,034
No, he's off now. Gone in completely
the wrong direction, rather slowly.

289
00:22:55,207 --> 00:23:00,611
It's very sporting of them to enter
a three-legged blind horse here.

290
00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:04,078
He's hit a tree and he's down.

291
00:23:04,249 --> 00:23:08,709
Back to the leaders...
No, back with Sad Ken now.

292
00:23:08,887 --> 00:23:14,519
I'm afraid they've had to shoot him.
Sad Ken has been shot.

293
00:23:14,693 --> 00:23:17,161
And so has the jockey.

294
00:23:18,063 --> 00:23:24,491
After that, I went to my secondary school,
where all the teachers had different names.

295
00:23:24,669 --> 00:23:28,070
There was Mr Baker,

296
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:32,199
er, Mr Derbyshire,

297
00:23:32,377 --> 00:23:36,211
who, interestingly, actually came from Berkshire.

298
00:23:36,381 --> 00:23:39,373
- Richie...
- Shh! I'm keeping him busy till Eddie...

299
00:23:39,551 --> 00:23:42,611
Oh, it's you! Don't sneak up on me like that.

300
00:23:42,788 --> 00:23:47,350
Us war veterans, they didn't call us
Desert Scorpions for nothing.

301
00:23:47,526 --> 00:23:51,257
They called you that
'cause you're small and poisonous.

302
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,593
- Shut up. You're not as interesting as me.
- OK.

303
00:23:54,766 --> 00:23:57,929
- Where is the loot?
- Ah, well...

304
00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:00,367
Brace yourself...

305
00:24:00,539 --> 00:24:06,967
...because Sad Ken wasn't quite
the wonder horse that we expected.

306
00:24:08,180 --> 00:24:12,583
What?! Impossible! Tight-mouthed Larry
said he was 100% cert.

307
00:24:16,988 --> 00:24:20,788
- We had you!
- Afternoon, suckers!

308
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:27,330
As your friendly landlord, can I introduce
my niece, Veronica? How'd it go?

309
00:24:27,499 --> 00:24:33,028
Like you said. They pretended to be from
the government. And you're right about the git.

310
00:24:33,205 --> 00:24:36,333
He HAS got a small penis.

311
00:24:36,508 --> 00:24:39,136
That's your name crossed off my little list.

312
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:44,408
- Thank God.
- You can throw away that list now.

313
00:24:44,583 --> 00:24:47,575
- How much did they get through at the bar?
- 2,000 quid!

314
00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:52,145
- That's about right.
- We made 14 grand on the race,

315
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:57,091
- minus two is twelve.
- Six grand apiece. Not bad!

316
00:24:57,262 --> 00:24:59,355
- BASTARDS!
- Correct!

317
00:24:59,531 --> 00:25:04,992
Shut up! The psycho's coming round.
Where's his leg?

318
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:08,829
- There.
- No, his other leg.

319
00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:13,603
- He hasn't got one.
- Get down the pawn shop!

320
00:25:13,778 --> 00:25:16,872
- Give me 500 quid.
- Into the lavvies.

321
00:25:17,048 --> 00:25:23,317
Richie, it's illegal. And you'd never make
500 quid. You'd be lucky to get 10p a go!

322
00:25:24,155 --> 00:25:27,147
I've got a brilliant idea. Into the lavs.

323
00:25:28,593 --> 00:25:32,359
- What's the brilliant idea?
- Panic! Aghh!

324
00:25:36,101 --> 00:25:41,664
I'll handle this. Uncle Percy was
in the trenches in the First World War.

325
00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:43,774
- Know what he used to say?
- What?

326
00:25:43,942 --> 00:25:46,775
Aghh! Bloody hell! Thousands of Germans!

327
00:25:46,945 --> 00:25:51,245
Who will rescue me? Mummy, I wanna go home!

328
00:25:51,416 --> 00:25:53,077
Shut up! Shut up!

329
00:25:53,952 --> 00:25:56,386
Shut up! Shut up! OK?

330
00:26:04,763 --> 00:26:09,063
- This is a bloody good idea!
- Want some more?

331
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:12,897
Why not mug the first person that comes in?

332
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:14,436
Great idea!

333
00:26:15,340 --> 00:26:18,537
- What's that for?
- You were the first in.

334
00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:22,111
- But I haven't got any money.
- Damn!

335
00:26:23,715 --> 00:26:26,582
Not much in this mugging game, is there?

336
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:29,584
No, I'm talking about subsequent lavatarians.

337
00:26:29,754 --> 00:26:32,279
The next person who comes in, we mug him.

338
00:26:32,457 --> 00:26:35,290
Or her, if she's a perv. Never know your luck.

339
00:26:36,528 --> 00:26:39,429
We get 500 quid, nip down the pawn shop,

340
00:26:39,598 --> 00:26:42,761
redeem the leg and put it back on.

341
00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:46,233
We'll be back home before you can say...

342
00:26:46,404 --> 00:26:49,771
- Someone's coming into the toilet.
- Someone's coming into the toilet!

343
00:26:50,742 --> 00:26:53,210
Quick, Eddie! Let him have it!

344
00:27:01,453 --> 00:27:04,445
It's Chief Inspector Grobbelaar.

345
00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:07,291
Shit!

346
00:27:10,695 --> 00:27:14,654
Get on with it, you filthy scum.
Why not get a real job?

347
00:27:19,537 --> 00:27:25,066
- Happy with the line-up?
- No, you know it's us. We've no chance!

348
00:27:25,243 --> 00:27:31,580
- That's the beauty of it.
- How about a make-up artist or sex change?

349
00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:36,414
I demand to see a lawyer...
preferably a female nudie one!

350
00:27:36,588 --> 00:27:42,049
If you'd shut up, I'll go down the line
and see if I can spot the felons.

351
00:27:48,767 --> 00:27:51,827
Damn! What happens now, copper?

352
00:27:52,003 --> 00:27:55,700
I invite everyone
to give you a damn good kicking.

353
00:27:56,541 --> 00:27:59,567
- What?!
- In your own time, gentlemen.