1
00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,345
Ho, ho, ho!

2
00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:59,048
This is for Richie, who's been a good little boy.

3
00:00:59,225 --> 00:01:02,490
And this is for Eddie.

4
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:04,653
Enough said!

5
00:01:04,831 --> 00:01:06,822
Right, where's the sherry?

6
00:01:11,438 --> 00:01:13,929
- Typical!
- Hic!

7
00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:16,098
Never mind!

8
00:01:16,276 --> 00:01:19,370
Sweet dreams, little boy! Ho, ho, ho!

9
00:01:45,071 --> 00:01:46,936
Merry Christmas, Santa!

10
00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:50,770
Cut me down, Eddie! I mean, little boy!

11
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:55,278
- It'll cost you ten quid, Richie.
- I'm not Richie, I'm Santa Claus!

12
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,279
Ho, ho... urrgh!

13
00:01:57,450 --> 00:02:00,044
It'll cost you ten quid, Santa Claus!

14
00:02:00,220 --> 00:02:05,385
I don't know why I bother!
Every year the same! There you are!

15
00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:07,617
Ta very much.

16
00:02:13,433 --> 00:02:16,425
That was a particularly nasty fall!

17
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:22,534
And season's greetings to you, too,
little fellow! Ho, ho, ho!

18
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:25,075
Christ, I think I've broken my leg!

19
00:02:30,950 --> 00:02:35,910
Merry Christmas, Eddie! I thought
I heard sleigh bells. Has he been?

20
00:02:36,556 --> 00:02:41,186
Oh, he has! Oh, joy, oh, joy!
Let's open our presents!

21
00:02:42,929 --> 00:02:45,329
Oh, look, mine's bigger than yours!

22
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,365
That must mean I've been a nicer boy than you!

23
00:02:48,535 --> 00:02:51,026
Go back to bed. It's half-past three.

24
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:54,139
No present opening till half-past seven!

25
00:02:54,307 --> 00:02:58,334
Come on, let's see what Santa's brought us! Oooh!

26
00:02:58,511 --> 00:03:00,103
Ooh!

27
00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,579
It's a... It's a Brussels sprout.

28
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:06,981
That should come in handy for Christmas lunch!

29
00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:13,489
Ooh...

30
00:03:13,660 --> 00:03:15,719
it's a...

31
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:17,954
it's another Brussels sprout!

32
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:22,227
Thought so! We must have enough
for a whole Christmas lunch now!

33
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,666
Good old Santa thinks of everything.

34
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:30,334
That's present number 113.

35
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:35,106
Another Brussels sprout.
Mustn't forget the thank you letter list!

36
00:03:35,281 --> 00:03:38,842
Don't want Santa to think
we're ungrateful... Eddie?

37
00:03:39,018 --> 00:03:43,580
You've fallen asleep again!
Aren't you going to open your stocking?

38
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:49,490
Well, I would, but there doesn't seem
to be much in this small child's sock.

39
00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:53,098
Perhaps you haven't been a very good little boy.

40
00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:57,403
Did you post my letter to Father Christmas?

41
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:01,870
I can't seem to find the Star bird
I asked for, or me Batman cape,

42
00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,066
or the ticket to the Bahamas!

43
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:08,908
You can't expect Santa to put expensive gifts
like that in a stocking!

44
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,073
Well, he ought to

45
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:14,311
'cause I signed the letter "Eddie Hitler.

46
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:26,764
On y va qui mal y pense, Eddie! Qui mal y pense!

47
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:30,369
Now, come on, it's time!
Let's get our big ones out!

48
00:04:32,171 --> 00:04:36,198
Tee hee A big Christmas joke
like "Do you like stuffing?"

49
00:04:37,410 --> 00:04:39,344
Now, what have you got me?

50
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,772
Here you go, Richie.

51
00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:48,881
- Aren't you going to open it?
- I don't think I'll bother.

52
00:04:49,055 --> 00:04:51,023
Why not? What's wrong with it?

53
00:04:51,190 --> 00:04:53,124
It's about 20 times too small.

54
00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:55,894
It's the thought that counts.

55
00:04:56,062 --> 00:05:00,465
No, it's not. It's the size that counts.
Don't you read "Cosmopolitan"?

56
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:04,160
How can I?
They're all hidden under your mattress.

57
00:05:04,337 --> 00:05:07,568
That'll do! Let's try and keep it festive!

58
00:05:07,740 --> 00:05:09,731
God, I hate Christmas!

59
00:05:09,909 --> 00:05:14,937
I thought you were getting me
something sun-kissed and exotic!

60
00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:17,674
And I have. Just open it!

61
00:05:19,085 --> 00:05:21,383
It's a miniature bottle of Malibu!

62
00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:24,455
It's an EMPTY miniature bottle of Malibu!

63
00:05:24,624 --> 00:05:27,957
Correct! Merry Christmas, Richie!

64
00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:32,291
- What use is that?
- You can use it to keep Malibu in,

65
00:05:32,465 --> 00:05:35,195
so long as you keep it away from me. Hic!

66
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,359
Right, that's it!

67
00:05:37,537 --> 00:05:41,633
Hang on, hang on! I was only joking.
It's good for morale.

68
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:45,371
Look, here's your big one!

69
00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:48,512
Oh! Oh, Eddie, you haven't!

70
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:50,512
You haven't!

71
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:54,210
- No, you haven't!
- What do you mean?

72
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:56,378
- It's empty.
- No, it's not!

73
00:05:56,556 --> 00:05:59,582
Beg your pardon. There's a toilet roll in here.

74
00:05:59,759 --> 00:06:02,023
A used toilet roll!

75
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,755
That is not a used toilet roll.

76
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:07,923
That is a play telescope!

77
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:13,505
I've drawn a picture of Sue Carpenter
in a bikini on the beach at one end!

78
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,546
Hey, that's bloody good, Eddie!

79
00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,152
Why has she got five legs?

80
00:06:29,155 --> 00:06:32,921
No, that's her hand. She's waving.
It's perspective!

81
00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:34,992
Hello, Richie!

82
00:06:35,161 --> 00:06:37,129
Yes, that's bloody good!

83
00:06:37,296 --> 00:06:40,561
Hey! She's only got one knocker.

84
00:06:40,733 --> 00:06:44,863
No, that's a speech bubble. She's talking to you.

85
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:47,028
Oh, yes, so she is!

86
00:06:48,174 --> 00:06:50,165
"Fick urf...

87
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:55,638
"...you sad, pathtic winker."

88
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,712
I wonder what she means?

89
00:07:01,888 --> 00:07:05,551
- Well, where's mine?
- All right!

90
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:16,961
What is it?

91
00:07:17,136 --> 00:07:18,899
It's a picture.

92
00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:21,938
Oh, a picture. What of?

93
00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,133
Of me!

94
00:07:25,111 --> 00:07:28,706
A self-portrait. Don't you like it?

95
00:07:28,881 --> 00:07:31,441
It's bollocks, isn't it, Richie?

96
00:07:31,617 --> 00:07:34,051
No, it's not, it's one of mine,

97
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:36,188
although he is awfully good.

98
00:07:36,355 --> 00:07:40,985
We have a similar style. A lot of people
say my work looks like Bollocks.

99
00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:44,459
Let's go downstairs
and see where we can hang it!

100
00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:48,760
- It could go next to the table.
- That should help me lose weight.

101
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:51,460
We could stick it in the toilet!

102
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:56,233
Not a bad idea. I doubt if the flush
mechanism could handle it, though.

103
00:07:57,176 --> 00:07:58,575
What?

104
00:07:58,744 --> 00:08:00,939
I've got the perfect place for it!

105
00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:07,108
Right a bit, I think.

106
00:08:08,287 --> 00:08:10,278
No, left.

107
00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:13,425
Down a bit. Hold it there.

108
00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:16,255
Yep, that's just about dandy.

109
00:08:20,933 --> 00:08:22,924
That looks lovely!

110
00:08:26,105 --> 00:08:28,903
You're a philistine, Edward Hitler!

111
00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:31,737
It took me 15 minutes to paint that!

112
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,846
God, seven o'clock.

113
00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:37,812
Another 27 hours of Christmas to go.

114
00:08:37,984 --> 00:08:41,943
I won't survive. I'll have
to blank out in front of the telly.

115
00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:46,023
No one watches the telly until the Queen's speech!

116
00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,218
It's Noel's Christmas Family Video Accidents!

117
00:08:49,395 --> 00:08:52,831
I don't care. We're going to do Christmas properly,

118
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,024
unless there's a Bond film on.

119
00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:02,163
OK? Let's keep it Christmassy.
There's only five hours till lunch.

120
00:09:02,341 --> 00:09:05,742
I have to get my sprouts on.
Don't want them crunchy.

121
00:09:05,912 --> 00:09:07,311
Not sprouts!

122
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:11,314
- I hate sprouts!
- Stop whingeing! Nobody likes sprouts!

123
00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,475
Why are we having them, then?

124
00:09:13,653 --> 00:09:15,644
Because it's Christmas!

125
00:09:15,821 --> 00:09:20,281
We've got guests coming,
so I'd better get on with my turkey.

126
00:09:22,328 --> 00:09:24,387
What are you going to do with it?

127
00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:29,467
It's the season of goodwill,
so I'll chop its feet off, rip out its innards,

128
00:09:29,635 --> 00:09:33,366
shove an onion up its arse
and cook it till it's burnt.

129
00:09:33,539 --> 00:09:36,702
- Fair enough.
- Right, now peel the potatoes.

130
00:09:36,876 --> 00:09:39,674
We've four people coming so that means...

131
00:09:39,845 --> 00:09:41,836
four potatoes.

132
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,821
Do you really want me to peel them?
You'll only incinerate them.

133
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:57,019
Why don't we just bung 'em straight in the bin?

134
00:09:57,196 --> 00:09:59,687
All right, I'll do all the cooking...

135
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:04,495
...so long as you do
all the decorations. Now, crackers?

136
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:07,503
Yes, but it's never stopped me so far!

137
00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:09,300
Have you got the crackers?

138
00:10:09,475 --> 00:10:12,171
No, it's just the way my trousers hang!

139
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,905
Eddie, enough of the cracker jokes.

140
00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:18,175
I'm talking about the things you hold and pull.

141
00:10:18,351 --> 00:10:21,946
I've got one of those
but I'm not sticking it on the table!

142
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,521
You are funnier than Jonathan Ross.

143
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,749
But he's not funny.

144
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:30,020
Exactly. Get out of my kitchen before I twot you.

145
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:33,256
- Not fast enough!
- Fair enough. Point taken.

146
00:10:34,233 --> 00:10:38,761
You scrape all the congealed bits
off the cutlery and lay the table,

147
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:41,270
I'll get on with the brandy butter.

148
00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:43,067
Where's the brandy?

149
00:10:43,242 --> 00:10:44,937
Er... Hic!

150
00:10:45,111 --> 00:10:47,511
That's effing marvellous, isn't it?!

151
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,343
Hold your horses, Richie! Don't panic, because...

152
00:10:56,088 --> 00:10:58,022
Vodka margarine!

153
00:11:00,559 --> 00:11:03,722
That's brilliant. Are you sure it's flammable?

154
00:11:03,896 --> 00:11:05,727
I anticipated your concern,

155
00:11:05,898 --> 00:11:09,265
so I spiced it up
with a couple of cans of hairspray.

156
00:11:10,903 --> 00:11:13,701
That is brilliant! Well done!

157
00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:16,740
That's sorted. Now, table placings.

158
00:11:16,909 --> 00:11:20,902
I thought I'd put you next
to Spudgun because you're both...

159
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,776
...well, sort of, ugh, you know, aren't you?

160
00:11:23,949 --> 00:11:27,077
Did you get four quid off them each for the meal?

161
00:11:27,253 --> 00:11:28,811
- Yes, I did.
- Where is it?

162
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:30,922
I spent it on the brandy.

163
00:11:31,090 --> 00:11:33,820
I don't believe it! You're no help at all!

164
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:37,554
You've done nothing
towards this season's goodwill!

165
00:11:37,730 --> 00:11:39,891
You haven't even bought a tree!

166
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:42,125
- Yes, I have!
- Where is it?

167
00:11:43,469 --> 00:11:46,233
Shield your eyes and I shall wheel her in!

168
00:11:52,144 --> 00:11:53,702
No, there's no time.

169
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,147
Ta-da!

170
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:11,086
That's not a Christmas tree, it's a geranium!

171
00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:13,731
Well, whatever it is, it cost 16 quid.

172
00:12:13,899 --> 00:12:16,925
- 16 quid?!
- So that's eight quid you owe me.

173
00:12:17,103 --> 00:12:20,072
Eight quid? That's nearly 50 pence a needle!

174
00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:24,403
Oh, I despair, I really do!
And it's half-past eight already!

175
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:28,604
Half-past eight and all's crap!

176
00:12:28,781 --> 00:12:30,749
I've got to get into my kitchen!

177
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:36,149
Spray-on snow to make everything Christmassy.
I'll scrub my sprouts.

178
00:12:36,322 --> 00:12:39,223
I thought you were going to do some cooking.

179
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:42,820
Fair enough. Point taken.

180
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:51,633
Right, it's simple enough. It's potatoes anglaise.

181
00:12:51,804 --> 00:12:53,362
Sprouts à la...

182
00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:55,131
...à la water...

183
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:57,298
And turkey à la...

184
00:12:57,476 --> 00:12:59,171
...oven!

185
00:12:59,345 --> 00:13:02,075
That should get their taste buds going!

186
00:13:02,248 --> 00:13:06,514
When it comes down to it,
there's only me and Keith Floyd left!

187
00:13:12,091 --> 00:13:15,083
Bloody hell! Bloody hell, Eddie!

188
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,058
Help! Help!

189
00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:18,856
Why?

190
00:13:19,031 --> 00:13:22,967
- What have you done?
- I'd have thought that was obvious!

191
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,001
Oh, I see.

192
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:28,970
Ooh!

193
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,541
That's a bit of a nasty nick, isn't it?

194
00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,905
Why don't you call an ambulance?

195
00:13:34,079 --> 00:13:37,071
I haven't got anything to dial with now!

196
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:44,750
First aid! What's the procedure
for someone who's chopped their finger off?

197
00:13:46,125 --> 00:13:49,322
I think they bleed to death in half an hour.

198
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,794
I don't want to die!
What did we do in the Boy Scouts?

199
00:13:52,965 --> 00:13:54,956
No, there's no time for that.

200
00:13:55,134 --> 00:13:56,601
Apply a tourniquet

201
00:13:56,769 --> 00:14:01,229
- before I lose consciousness!
- Okey-dokey. What is a tourniquet?

202
00:14:01,407 --> 00:14:05,741
It's when you restrict the flow
of blood around the body. Come on!

203
00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:11,178
All the blood's rushing to your head.
Don't worry, I'll keep it there!

204
00:14:12,952 --> 00:14:15,420
Look, it's working!

205
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:22,383
Look, I found your finger!

206
00:14:24,230 --> 00:14:26,460
Pull your finger out, Richie!

207
00:14:26,632 --> 00:14:31,228
- This is no time for fun and games!
- Yes, it is. It's Christmas Day!

208
00:14:35,107 --> 00:14:37,098
Oh, it's worked!

209
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:40,734
Get your needle out. You'd better sew it back on.

210
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:44,680
I don't know. You know me and my sewing!

211
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:49,549
Yes, that reminds me, I must take
the dress you made me to the charity shop.

212
00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:53,686
That wasn't a dress. That was a woolly hat.

213
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:55,349
Was it?

214
00:14:57,096 --> 00:14:59,087
Never mind, because...

215
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:01,859
I'm a dab hand with one of these!

216
00:15:04,103 --> 00:15:06,094
Ooh, God!

217
00:15:06,272 --> 00:15:08,069
Ooh, agh!

218
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,736
Thanks, Eddie. AGH!

219
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,905
Sorry, wrong finger!

220
00:15:19,118 --> 00:15:20,710
Urrgh!

221
00:15:20,886 --> 00:15:23,980
It worked! Thank God!

222
00:15:37,970 --> 00:15:40,803
Good! Everything's going swimmingly!

223
00:15:40,973 --> 00:15:43,533
Hot enough for you, little sprouts?

224
00:15:43,709 --> 00:15:47,042
Or is that the potatoes? Or is it the stuffing?

225
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,305
Everything looks the same!

226
00:15:49,481 --> 00:15:51,642
That means everything's ready!

227
00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:55,412
Look at the time!
They'll be here soon. Is the tree ready?

228
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:58,385
Yep. There she is!

229
00:15:59,725 --> 00:16:01,420
Shall I fire her up?

230
00:16:01,593 --> 00:16:04,562
Rather! Get a bit of Christmas glow going!

231
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,961
Right... Contact.

232
00:16:11,570 --> 00:16:16,337
That's quite a lot of Christmas glow,
isn't it? Shall I open the window?

233
00:16:16,508 --> 00:16:18,942
Um... yes, thank you very much.

234
00:16:24,149 --> 00:16:26,276
And there she goes...

235
00:16:28,620 --> 00:16:30,611
...same as usual.

236
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:36,052
- That's the tenth one that's gone up like that.
- Yeah.

237
00:16:36,228 --> 00:16:39,595
Do you remember
that electrician's course I went on?

238
00:16:39,765 --> 00:16:44,532
I'm beginning to think I should have
stayed for the full half hour.

239
00:16:45,537 --> 00:16:47,505
Oh, Christmas!

240
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,870
Ding dong merrily on bloody high!

241
00:16:51,043 --> 00:16:54,479
Why's it always so desperately depressing?

242
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:56,637
Why does it never snow?

243
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,653
You can't make a drizzle man, can you?

244
00:17:02,821 --> 00:17:07,019
Can't play drizzle balls! At least
the drizzle will put the tree out

245
00:17:07,192 --> 00:17:09,183
and nothing else can go wrong!

246
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:10,988
Agh!

247
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:16,096
Open the window before I faint from the pain!

248
00:17:16,268 --> 00:17:18,532
Thank you. Eddie, come this way!

249
00:17:20,005 --> 00:17:22,872
I don't know why I bother! I really don't!

250
00:17:24,243 --> 00:17:25,733
Eddie, stand back.

251
00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:27,708
Merry Christmas!

252
00:17:34,420 --> 00:17:38,823
Lordy, lordy, it's the guests!
We've got no time for fighting now!

253
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:43,428
We'll pick up where we left off later.
Remember where we got up to.

254
00:17:43,595 --> 00:17:46,325
It'll be bloody difficult to forget!

255
00:17:46,498 --> 00:17:48,625
Well, just in case...

256
00:17:50,502 --> 00:17:54,734
...remember that! Tidy up.
I'll welcome them over the threshold.

257
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,375
- I'm coming!

258
00:17:57,543 --> 00:18:01,707
Can't wait to eat me out of
house and home, parasitic bastards!

259
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:06,450
Hello, Dave Hedgehog! How are you?

260
00:18:06,618 --> 00:18:08,586
No, I'm Dave.

261
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,745
Oh, God, my eyes!

262
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:14,484
I really must stop masturbating! Damn!

263
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:17,752
Well, hello!

264
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,865
Gosh, it's been what?

265
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:23,259
Raining?

266
00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:26,893
- No, no, it's been ages.
- What has?

267
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,472
Well, since we last, you know...

268
00:18:29,641 --> 00:18:32,201
We never, you know, with you!

269
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:37,781
No, it's all going wrong. This is silly!
Come in! Come ye! Come ye!

270
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:41,943
# God rest ye merry gentlemen
Let nothing you dismay

271
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,748
# Remember... # Er...

272
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:49,188
You said he was being put away before Christmas!

273
00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:52,990
She won't last long.
She lost a lot of blood this morning

274
00:18:53,165 --> 00:18:55,156
and she hasn't got the stamina!

275
00:18:55,334 --> 00:18:58,269
Great, shall we have a drink, then?

276
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:01,668
Here we are. Drinks coming right up!

277
00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:06,600
What's that?!

278
00:19:06,778 --> 00:19:08,370
Gravy.

279
00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:09,946
Gravy?

280
00:19:10,115 --> 00:19:13,346
Somebody drank all the sherry,
didn't they, Eddie?

281
00:19:13,519 --> 00:19:14,952
Hic!

282
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,556
- Well, I'm not drinking that!
- I beg your pardon?

283
00:19:18,724 --> 00:19:23,593
- I said I'm not drinking that.
- You just drink that up right now

284
00:19:23,762 --> 00:19:27,027
or do I have to force it down your throat?

285
00:19:27,199 --> 00:19:28,598
Eh? Eh?

286
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:31,702
- What do you reckon?
- Drink it. He's a psycho.

287
00:19:33,138 --> 00:19:35,129
Merry Christmas, everyone.

288
00:19:35,307 --> 00:19:37,298
Merry Christmas, one and all!

289
00:19:41,213 --> 00:19:44,046
Is it Christmas? Today?

290
00:19:44,216 --> 00:19:49,449
Merry Christmas, then. That must
be why that woman gave me that aftershave.

291
00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:54,024
- What woman?
- That old woman who hangs round the place.

292
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,525
You know, what's-her-name, my wife.

293
00:19:56,695 --> 00:20:01,826
Andrea, no, no, Avril.
No, what am I thinking of? Susan, that's the one!

294
00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:06,061
Spudgun, you go next to Eddie
because you're both so ghastly.

295
00:20:06,238 --> 00:20:10,368
You go next to me. Anyone who turns up
might take you for a Bohemian

296
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:13,739
rather than the sad, unemployable wretch you are.

297
00:20:13,912 --> 00:20:18,747
Enjoy yourselves! It's supposed
to be Christmas! Heavens above!

298
00:20:19,918 --> 00:20:22,682
- What's that smell?
- That's lunch.

299
00:20:22,854 --> 00:20:26,119
Thank God for that. I thought I'd had an accident!

300
00:20:27,926 --> 00:20:29,723
Right, here we go!

301
00:20:29,895 --> 00:20:32,557
- One potato or two?
- Two, please.

302
00:20:32,731 --> 00:20:34,198
No...

303
00:20:34,366 --> 00:20:35,890
...one.

304
00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,467
No, two.

305
00:20:37,636 --> 00:20:40,696
- No, one!
- OK, one.

306
00:20:40,872 --> 00:20:42,271
That's better.

307
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:46,844
I changed my mind. None.

308
00:20:48,046 --> 00:20:50,014
'Scuse fingers.

309
00:20:50,182 --> 00:20:54,016
- Help yourself to sprouts.
- Oh, no, not sprouts.

310
00:20:54,186 --> 00:20:56,882
Sprouts. So it IS Christmas, then.

311
00:20:57,789 --> 00:20:59,916
Now, then, who likes stuffing?

312
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,083
Ha, ha, ha!

313
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:08,388
Oh, no one. Oh, well, worth it for the joke, eh?

314
00:21:08,567 --> 00:21:10,558
Cor! What a magnificent bird!

315
00:21:10,736 --> 00:21:13,534
- Where?
- Gets 'em every year!

316
00:21:15,140 --> 00:21:16,607
Here we go, then.

317
00:21:18,477 --> 00:21:22,675
Hey, who's for a lovely juicy bit of breast?

318
00:21:22,848 --> 00:21:24,645
Ha, ha, ha!

319
00:21:24,816 --> 00:21:26,716
I love Christmas!

320
00:21:26,885 --> 00:21:29,479
Eddie, are you a leg or a breast man?

321
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:34,558
Would you like a magazine to read
while he tells his Christmas jokes?

322
00:21:34,726 --> 00:21:39,686
It's all academic now. I've made
a slight miscalculation with the timing.

323
00:21:42,267 --> 00:21:45,532
Never mind! Let's get
straight onto the pudding!

324
00:21:45,704 --> 00:21:47,763
- Eddie, switch out the lights.
- Righto.

325
00:21:50,242 --> 00:21:52,972
- Switch the lights back on!
- Righto!

326
00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:57,241
Wait until I get to the pudding
before you switch out the lights.

327
00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:58,747
- Righto!
- Wait!

328
00:21:58,917 --> 00:22:01,647
Just smearing the vodka margarine on it!

329
00:22:01,820 --> 00:22:04,550
Are you sure this will sustain the flame?

330
00:22:04,723 --> 00:22:09,126
It should do. It's been soaking
for two weeks. Should go up a treat.

331
00:22:09,294 --> 00:22:12,320
- Here goes. Switch off the lights.
- Righto!

332
00:22:14,533 --> 00:22:16,524
Bloody hell!

333
00:22:46,098 --> 00:22:50,000
Well, same time next year, lads?
Merry Christmas.

334
00:22:50,168 --> 00:22:54,104
No, no, come on!
There's plenty of Christmas fun left!

335
00:22:54,272 --> 00:22:56,263
No one likes pudding anyway!

336
00:22:56,441 --> 00:22:58,432
Let's pull some crackers.

337
00:22:58,610 --> 00:23:00,840
What, there's some birds coming?

338
00:23:01,012 --> 00:23:03,003
Ha, ha, ha!

339
00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:07,845
Yeah, Christmas is great with jokes,
isn't it? Come on!

340
00:23:08,019 --> 00:23:11,921
Chivvy, chivvy! If it wasn't
for me, you'd sit around all day

341
00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:14,786
drinking and watching the television!

342
00:23:19,598 --> 00:23:22,465
They've changed the titles to "Emmerdale Farm".

343
00:23:22,634 --> 00:23:26,934
It's just called "Emmerdale" now.
Doesn't take so long to read.

344
00:23:27,105 --> 00:23:30,131
Gives you a lot more time to do other things.

345
00:23:30,308 --> 00:23:32,299
Can pack a lot more story in.

346
00:23:32,477 --> 00:23:34,468
Mmm... Mmm...

347
00:23:34,646 --> 00:23:38,309
- Mmm... Mmm...
- We still can't hear you!

348
00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:41,077
If I speak, I'm out of the game.

349
00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:44,484
You just spoke, so you're out of the game, then!

350
00:23:44,656 --> 00:23:46,647
Stop! New game, OK?

351
00:23:46,825 --> 00:23:50,784
When I go like this, it means it's a film.

352
00:23:50,962 --> 00:23:54,159
All right? So, it's a film.

353
00:23:54,332 --> 00:23:56,357
Well, what's it called?

354
00:23:57,035 --> 00:23:59,003
No, you're supposed to tell me.

355
00:23:59,171 --> 00:24:00,968
Why, don't you know?

356
00:24:01,139 --> 00:24:04,006
If you don't know, we could be here all night!

357
00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:07,339
- You have to guess!
- Tell us. It's a lot quicker.

358
00:24:07,512 --> 00:24:12,108
All right, stop, stop!
Shall we start again? Off we go.

359
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,486
- It's a film.
- It's a TV programme.

360
00:24:17,656 --> 00:24:20,216
- They televised it?
- Or it's on video?

361
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:23,520
No, no, no! It's not a film.

362
00:24:23,695 --> 00:24:25,526
You just said it was a film!

363
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:29,793
- All right. I'll go back to the film!
- Just tell us what it is!

364
00:24:29,968 --> 00:24:33,563
All right. It was "The Guns of Navarone".
Satisfied?

365
00:24:33,738 --> 00:24:35,672
Right. My turn.

366
00:24:37,809 --> 00:24:39,208
"Goldfinger"!

367
00:24:39,377 --> 00:24:41,174
Right, Hedgehog.

368
00:24:42,147 --> 00:24:44,206
I'll have "Goldfinger" as well.

369
00:24:44,382 --> 00:24:46,782
You can't have that. Eddie had that.

370
00:24:46,952 --> 00:24:51,446
Let's just all have "Goldfinger"
and then pack it in, OK?

371
00:24:51,623 --> 00:24:54,057
Right, Spudgun.

372
00:24:54,226 --> 00:24:55,784
"Goldfinger".

373
00:24:56,795 --> 00:25:01,698
Right, now that's that over with, OK?

374
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:04,267
What's next?

375
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,028
Sardines!

376
00:25:06,204 --> 00:25:09,332
Anything's better than that bloody turkey!

377
00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:13,239
- Oh, Jesus Christ, who can that be?!

378
00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:17,574
Are they collecting on Christmas Day?

379
00:25:17,749 --> 00:25:20,343
Sod off, you do-gooding bastards!

380
00:25:26,191 --> 00:25:27,590
Oh!

381
00:25:29,194 --> 00:25:30,661
Oh!

382
00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:32,990
Oh!

383
00:25:34,199 --> 00:25:36,190
Who is it?

384
00:25:36,368 --> 00:25:38,359
I don't know. He can't talk.

385
00:25:39,204 --> 00:25:42,867
Well, punch him in the face
and kick him down the stairs!

386
00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:47,307
If he's too drunk to talk,
he won't put up much of a fight, will he?

387
00:25:47,479 --> 00:25:50,744
Go on! Enjoy yourself! It's Christmas!

388
00:25:55,387 --> 00:25:59,380
Look, guys, it's a baby.

389
00:25:59,558 --> 00:26:01,253
What?

390
00:26:02,294 --> 00:26:04,285
I've got a baby.

391
00:26:05,630 --> 00:26:07,530
We don't want a baby.

392
00:26:07,699 --> 00:26:09,724
Get rid of it.

393
00:26:09,901 --> 00:26:12,096
We're happy as we are.

394
00:26:13,071 --> 00:26:15,062
Why spoil everything?

395
00:26:15,874 --> 00:26:17,865
We'll drift apart!

396
00:26:18,043 --> 00:26:20,807
I mean, it's bound to come between us.

397
00:26:21,546 --> 00:26:25,038
Well, I think that it's come between us already.

398
00:26:25,216 --> 00:26:30,244
Come on, Eddie! It's time
we faced up to our responsibilities!

399
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:35,291
We can't carry on being playboys
all our lives! Besides...

400
00:26:35,460 --> 00:26:38,725
it's a fact now. We have to deal with it!

401
00:26:38,897 --> 00:26:41,957
Why couldn't you be more careful?

402
00:26:44,669 --> 00:26:48,696
Poor little mite. What a way
to spend your first Christmas!

403
00:26:48,873 --> 00:26:52,639
Lying on your back with a bottle
sounds pretty good to me!

404
00:26:54,379 --> 00:26:56,108
Don't cry, little matey!

405
00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:58,707
Coo-ee!

406
00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,281
I think he likes me!

407
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,427
Poor little blighter!

408
00:27:09,594 --> 00:27:11,585
His first Christmas,

409
00:27:11,763 --> 00:27:13,788
no family, no friends,

410
00:27:13,965 --> 00:27:16,160
no Christmas presents!

411
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:20,794
Well, he's got us now. We'll look after him.

412
00:27:20,972 --> 00:27:24,305
Yeah, he can have my Christmas present.

413
00:27:24,476 --> 00:27:26,444
It's a box of Terry's All Gold.

414
00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:31,378
He'll have to wait for his little teeth
before he can manage the chewy ones.

415
00:27:32,384 --> 00:27:35,080
Yeah, and he can have my Frankenstein mask.

416
00:27:35,253 --> 00:27:38,814
I was going to scare the shit
out of Richie with it later.

417
00:27:38,990 --> 00:27:40,787
Agh! Oh!

418
00:27:41,459 --> 00:27:44,360
And you can have my bottle of aftershave.

419
00:27:44,529 --> 00:27:46,520
It's a new one.

420
00:27:46,698 --> 00:27:48,632
It's called "Grrr!"

421
00:27:52,604 --> 00:27:57,303
Gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr!"

422
00:28:05,083 --> 00:28:07,677
And you're all wearing crowns!

423
00:28:13,124 --> 00:28:15,115
And I'm a virgin!

424
00:28:19,831 --> 00:28:24,131
- I thought you said you weren't!
- I was fibbing to look hunky.

425
00:28:24,302 --> 00:28:26,270
Oh, didn't work, did it?

426
00:28:26,438 --> 00:28:28,406
No, but enough of that.

427
00:28:28,573 --> 00:28:32,703
Guys, if I was you, I'd stay on my knees.

428
00:28:33,878 --> 00:28:35,869
This is it.

429
00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:38,743
This is the Second Coming.

430
00:28:38,917 --> 00:28:41,886
- What?
- Well, look!

431
00:28:42,053 --> 00:28:46,217
The three kings, gold, Frankenstein and "Grrr!",

432
00:28:46,391 --> 00:28:48,552
the virgin birth.

433
00:28:48,727 --> 00:28:51,423
And look - a blue headscarf!

434
00:28:51,596 --> 00:28:54,121
I mean, that really tops it off!

435
00:28:55,133 --> 00:28:57,124
It's all slotting into place.

436
00:28:57,302 --> 00:28:59,293
I knew I was special!

437
00:28:59,471 --> 00:29:02,998
I always knew I was different
from the other people!

438
00:29:04,609 --> 00:29:07,476
That's why I never got a shag!

439
00:29:08,613 --> 00:29:13,676
I was being kept pure because I'm better
than everyone else in the whole world!

440
00:29:13,852 --> 00:29:16,685
Had a few pretty narrow squeaks, though!

441
00:29:16,855 --> 00:29:20,120
Oh, yes... I didn't really. I'm lying to meself!

442
00:29:21,092 --> 00:29:22,559
Guys...

443
00:29:24,462 --> 00:29:28,330
...I think that we should pray.

444
00:29:34,639 --> 00:29:38,200
- I think his nappy needs changing.
- What?

445
00:29:38,376 --> 00:29:40,367
Yeah, go on, Richie.

446
00:29:40,545 --> 00:29:42,604
I mean, you're his mother.

447
00:29:42,781 --> 00:29:46,683
Aw, come on, guys.
This is the 20th century. It's not fair.

448
00:29:47,452 --> 00:29:49,750
But we are not worthy, O holy one.

449
00:29:51,122 --> 00:29:54,285
Yeah, that's right, O chosen thing.

450
00:29:54,459 --> 00:29:56,427
Yeah, O one...

451
00:29:56,594 --> 00:29:58,687
...what he said.

452
00:29:58,863 --> 00:30:03,232
What do you mean, "What he said"?
You're supposed to be a wise man!

453
00:30:03,401 --> 00:30:07,394
All right. I'll do it.
Who'd be a woman? I don't know!

454
00:30:14,245 --> 00:30:16,236
Are you sure he's the son of God?

455
00:30:19,651 --> 00:30:23,917
Nobody smoke! Eddie, get the mop
and the bucket and the bleach.

456
00:30:24,088 --> 00:30:27,524
What?! You can't put bleach on a baby's bottom!

457
00:30:27,692 --> 00:30:30,388
Let me have a go. I come from a large family.

458
00:30:30,562 --> 00:30:32,553
You'd have to, wouldn't you!

459
00:30:44,275 --> 00:30:48,871
You know, what we need is some girls
with really big breasts!

460
00:30:49,047 --> 00:30:51,777
You've been saying that for 20 years.

461
00:30:52,383 --> 00:30:55,409
Not for me, you fool! For the baby!

462
00:30:55,587 --> 00:30:58,021
He's very good with the baby, isn't he?

463
00:30:58,189 --> 00:31:02,455
Yes, he is. I am thinking
of conferring a sainthood upon him.

464
00:31:03,828 --> 00:31:06,558
What, Saint Spudgun?

465
00:31:06,731 --> 00:31:10,132
Haven't you got
through to the Pope yet?

466
00:31:10,301 --> 00:31:12,269
No, he's gone.

467
00:31:12,437 --> 00:31:14,428
Right, then. Next one,

468
00:31:14,606 --> 00:31:16,574
Pope G.

469
00:31:16,741 --> 00:31:18,971
Pope G? He's not Pope Gavin, is he?

470
00:31:19,143 --> 00:31:21,134
It's Pope John Paul!

471
00:31:21,312 --> 00:31:24,509
- Look under Pope JP!
- Oh, right, JP.

472
00:31:24,682 --> 00:31:28,880
Pope JP. I didn't know he lived in Twickenham!

473
00:31:29,053 --> 00:31:30,680
Fancy that!

474
00:31:30,855 --> 00:31:34,518
Did you know...?
Stop that! You show some respect!

475
00:31:34,692 --> 00:31:39,925
I'm not going to let the arrival
of the son of God spoil my Christmas!

476
00:31:40,098 --> 00:31:45,297
Ooh, some terrible things will happen to you
when you finally pop off!

477
00:31:45,470 --> 00:31:49,065
Yes, I shall have a word
with Richard Junior's father -

478
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:51,606
you know, my husband-in-law, God!

479
00:31:51,776 --> 00:31:56,008
I shall make sure you get
a right proper roasting and no mistake!

480
00:31:56,180 --> 00:31:59,343
It's not just my flat now,
it's my universe! My name...

481
00:31:59,517 --> 00:32:02,680
is now Richard Mary...

482
00:32:04,322 --> 00:32:07,120
...and you all have to do everything I say

483
00:32:07,292 --> 00:32:11,126
otherwise you will all go to hell! Yeah!

484
00:32:11,296 --> 00:32:16,097
Bloody hell! This would work a treat
with Tracey down the Lamb & Flag!

485
00:32:16,267 --> 00:32:20,727
I need some commandments.
One, everyone has to give me their money.

486
00:32:20,905 --> 00:32:25,638
Two, all the girls in the world
have to take their tops down now.

487
00:32:25,810 --> 00:32:31,271
NOW! Three, no one's allowed
to hit me ever again in my whole life!

488
00:32:32,483 --> 00:32:36,249
Hello, boys! Merry Christmas and all that bollocks!

489
00:32:36,421 --> 00:32:39,322
I didn't knock 'cause I couldn't be bothered.

490
00:32:39,490 --> 00:32:44,723
Mr Harrison, you may be our landlord
but I'm the mother of God, so if you...

491
00:32:44,896 --> 00:32:47,296
Oh, bugger off, you sad git!

492
00:32:47,465 --> 00:32:49,558
Now, where's my grandson?

493
00:32:49,734 --> 00:32:52,703
Your... grandson?

494
00:32:52,870 --> 00:32:57,398
Are you deaf? My daughter left him
with me. She'll be back soon, cow!

495
00:32:57,575 --> 00:32:59,805
She went to see her bloody mother.

496
00:32:59,978 --> 00:33:02,970
Stupid bitch had a heart attack this morning.

497
00:33:03,147 --> 00:33:07,880
Expects us all to gather round,
and there's "Goldfinger" on the telly!

498
00:33:08,052 --> 00:33:09,917
On Christmas Day - I ask ya!

499
00:33:10,088 --> 00:33:14,582
Sorry I didn't ask but I knew you'd
say no so I thought, "Sod it!"

500
00:33:14,759 --> 00:33:16,693
You bloody coo, you!

501
00:33:16,861 --> 00:33:19,489
Keep your trap shut about my daughter

502
00:33:19,664 --> 00:33:22,724
or I'll tell the police you kidnapped him!

503
00:33:22,900 --> 00:33:27,496
- Where's Johnny?
- I was showing him off to the neighbours!

504
00:33:27,672 --> 00:33:31,130
He's such a bonny... bloody... thing!

505
00:33:31,309 --> 00:33:33,209
Poor thing, he's hungry.

506
00:33:33,378 --> 00:33:36,370
I'd better feed him. Bring him over here, Dad.

507
00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:39,175
- You don't mind, do you, gents?
- No, no!

508
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:41,147
Go ahead!

509
00:33:41,319 --> 00:33:43,310
Merry bloody Christmas!