# Da-la da-la da daa #
After a long hike like that, I'm ready to pitch camp and hit the sack!
- I can still see the bus stop from here! - This looks like a good spot! A natural...
- Shit hole! - Yeah, shit... No, no, no!
A natural hollow in the lee of the wind. Fresh water supply.
The wind coming from... Cor! Dear, oh, dear!
You'd think people would have more control over their dogs! Look at that!
It must've been a Great Dane! We can't camp here! We're not French!
Hi-de-ho, on we go! No rest for the hygienic! Dear, oh, dear, who'd be English?
Yeah, this is much better here! A much more likely spot!
- This is great, isn't it? - What?
- This! - No.
You poor, sad, deformed urban pustule. This is real life!
Nature, struggle, destiny! Where's your romance?
She works in Sketchley's on Saturday. I should be going out with her tonight.
That's a point. I can get to the chemist before they shut.
Stay where you are, Judas! Where's your sense of adventure?
- Now, SHE'S in Chiswick! - No, I mean, where's your SPUNK!
No, no, no! Let's just avoid that line of questioning, shall we?
Come on, Eddie, we don't need birds.
Besides, we'll lose that bet with Mad Ken that we can live rough for a week.
We haven't got 50 quid and I'd rather hang on to my kneecaps!
A week?!
Ah... I was hoping to break that to you at a more opportune moment.
A bloody week?!
I wasn't the one who bet him he couldn't stick a dart in his temple!
- Having done that, he had us over a barrel! - I only have enough underwear for tonight!
- That's all you've ever had! - That's true.
We're stuck with it, so stop moaning! Let's get the tent up.
- Alexander the Great never had this problem. - HE wasn't a complete dickhead!
Right, that's it, that's it! Yes! I've been doing evening classes in jujitsu, you know!
You should've done 'em in Hammersmith and saved money on the bus fares!
What great mates we are!
Jujitsu, Hammersmith - marvellous! Come on, let's get the tent right up!
Right, well, that's the toilet tent. Where do we sleep?
Ha-ha-ha I'm about to blow my trousers off in merriment at Eddie's sarcasm
- You mean that's the whole tent? - Eddie, this isn't just a tent.
This is a World-Ranger Storm-Buster 4. You can go anywhere in that.
- We will as soon as the breeze gets up. - Hey, don't knock it.
- You'll be glad of this when the bomb drops. - You think that'll withstand a nuclear blast?
Well, you'll be sleeping in it tonight, so we'll find out!
- Wait a minute. We're both gonna sleep in this? - Yes.
- We'll be very close, won't we? - Our sleeping bags will keep us... respectable.
What's this all about? The last thing I remember was ordering two pints of mild.
- I've got my sleeping bag. - Where's mine?!
- The last I heard, she was in Chiswick! - So there's only one sleeping bag?
- It would appear so, yes. - Oh, I get it.
I'm not trying to trick you into a nudie sauce romp, believe me!
- I'd rather stick my genitals in a bees' nest. - Kinky.
- How am I kinky? - You wanna stick your genitals in a bees' nest.
No, I don't. That's the whole point. It's sarcasm, it's...
The point is that, though sticking one's genitals in a bees' nest is stupendously un-nice,
it's preferable to having a squidgy sleeping bag session with you!
Can we just get our equipment out? I mean, get our tackle out!
No, I mean get our gear... Oh, God!
You can't say anything without some double entendre lurking around the corner!
Shall we just unpack and get dinner on the go? All right?
I bet you forgot the tin opener! I despair, I really do!
I give you one little obligation and what do you do? You forget it!
Well, that's where you're wrong because - ha ha ha ha-ha - here it is!
- Right, where are the tins? - Shit! Shit!
You stupid bastard! Why did you make me forget them? We're gonna starve to death!
- We are going to starve to death! - I've got a packet of Chocolate Hobnobs.
Oh, thank God!
- Oh, Eddie, we're saved! - What do you mean, "we"?
- I'm all right. I don't fancy your chances. - Oh, have a heart, Eddie.
It's your old pal - Richie.
Exactly! Bugger off!
Right... Eddie? Eddie?
What was that film where they ate each other?
"Deep Throat", wasn't it?
Yeah, that's right.
Great, wasn't it?
- Anyway, back to the question of food. - Oh, yeah.
- Hang on, this is Wimbledon Common, isn't it? - Ye-es.
Hey... I wonder how much meat you get on a Womble.
- Eddie, Wombles don't exist. - Yes, they do. I've seem them on the telly.
Would it scar you for life if I told you they were just puppets?
- Yes, it would. - Good. Eddie, they were just puppets!
- Well, what's THAT, then? - Ahhh!
- Eddie, that is a hedgehog. - No, it's not. That is Great Uncle Bulgaria.
Then the series has taken a sad turn for the worse, 'cause he's in the nude!
Ohhh, the Wombles have gone X-rated!
Pop your insane leaking brain back in its sponge bag for an instant and concentrate.
Womble or not... THAT is our supper.
- It'll be a bit spiky, won't it? - Red Indians eat them.
Is that why they run around going "Owww!"?
Eddie, Eddie, Eddie... you're so soi-disant.
Red Native Americans do not run around going "Waaaaah!"
Ridiculous! They run around going "How!"
They run around going, "How the bloody hell can we eat that spiky hedgehog?"
No, they say, "How lovely that spiky hedgehog meal was, Mrs Sitting Bull.
"We must do the same next Tuesday. How's Roger's prep school?"
- What the bloody hell are you talking about?! - It's a different social strata.
Now... how are we gonna kill it?
Well, you could bore it to death.
Righto. No! Hmm...
It's all academic now. He's buggered off. Oh, no, there he is - in the thicket!
This is it! Er... OK, right.
I know! Let's entice him out with a Chocolate Hobnob!
Great idea! Then, when he's out in the open, we'll surround him and finish him off!
We need to gather some sticks and lash them together to fashion some sort of rifle!
- I wonder what the pygmies do. - They say, "Crikey, isn't everything big?"
It's no wonder they're dying out, then. Ohh, hang on!
I've got my darts...
...and we could use this as a blowpipe!
Oh, yes! Oh, Eddie, yes! Darts and a blowpipe! Very rainforest!
I wish Sting was here to see this.
Right, here we go.
If we're going to do this properly, we have to have some proper Amazon Indian names.
- Come on! Before he goes off to meet Orinoco! - Shut up, Eddie! This is important.
It's gotta be eagle-y with a dash of running dog and a hint of being attractive to women.
Hmm... what about Neville?
That is brilliant! Running Neville! No, no! Sitting Neville! No, no, Squatting Neville!
- Come on, he's getting away! - All right, don't hustle me!
- I don't like it, but we'll go with Pocahontas. - All right, Hoggatipunctus, entice him out.
- Right! Hey, don't forget to make the noise. - Arrrghhhhhhhhhhh!
He's buggered off.
- No, there he is! By that tree! - Right, let's go!
Do you think we should do this in our underpants?
It'll be really Indiany. We could get hankies and put them down the front and back like flaps...
Stupid idea, isn't it? We haven't got any hankies.
Hang on! We could use some pages from the "Evening Standard"!
A big flap down the front and back! We'll get our biros out and doodle on our nip...
Well, take your point. It's a bit chilly, isn't it?
Right, then... Ahem!...let's hunt.
Mrs Tiggywinkle... Mrs Tiggywinkle!
It's not working. Ah!
Mr Tiggywinkle! Yum yum! Eddie, he's broken cover! Let him have it!
- Did I get him? - No, you missed.
- Damn! - Eddie, old chum.
- Yes, me old mate? - Pull this dart out the back of my head.
Blimey, how did that get there?
I've no idea. Hurry. I'm losing my eyesight.
- Richie... - Mm?
You've put the fire out now.
Eddie, there's a fish in there!
There he is! Let him have it!
- Go and get him. - No, I'll just hang around on the shore.
- Oh, come on, he's only a fish. - Yes, but my hand is attached to this boulder.
- Right... give me the blowpipe. - Yep. I'm very sorry, Richie.
- Give me the dart. - Here you go.
Right.
- Go and stand over there. - Fair enough.
- Slap me! - Beg your pardon?
- Slap me! - Oh! I like this game!
You've got a dart in there. Did you know that?
- You have got a dart in there! - Get it out!
I beg your pardon?
Get it out!
- Kinky! - The dart!
I don't think we're really cut out for this dart-blowing business.
The only thing that's eaten anything is the bloody hedgehog.
There's only one Hobnob left. That's 27 Hobnobs he's had.
No wonder he shits like a Great Dane!
- Hey, why don't we have a go at that fish? - But we haven't got a rod!
Let's use your vest as a net!
- Would I have to be in it? - Give us the vest.
Right, get the stove nice and hot. Stand back, Moby, here I come!
- Have you caught anything yet? - Yes, I probably have caught something.
It's quite a love nest round here, you know.
Oh, look, great! Eddie, I've landed one!
She is a beauty!
- Nice one, Richie! - Look at her! She must be THAT big!
Quite the little battler, yeah. I'm... afraid we lost the net in the conflict.
- You mean my vest is in the pond. - Is the stove lit yet?
Half.
- Half? - Yeah. Have you seen the matches?
- No. You could try rubbing a stick together. - Hmm.
It's a tad more urgent than that.
Oh, all right, all right, you can use my briquette.
Don't keep your finger pressed down longer than a second!
- The stove's lit. - Nice one.
Let's get Moby under the grill. I'm famished.
Is it done, then?
I think so. They don't take long, do they?
We just eat it straight off the ground? Is that safe?
You and your hygiene! We're in the countryside. We've got everything we need.
We'll wash it in the lake - fresh mountain stream.
It'll be lovely!
You pick it up. It's a bit near the dog shit.
Lost a bit.
- Which end's the head, do you think? - Give it to country boy. I'll divide it up.
It's bound to be one end or the other. Er... there! Heads or tails?
We can't do that. I'll have the black bit, you have the flaky bit.
Good health!
That was disgusting!
- You not eating yours, Eddie? - No, I'm keeping it.
What for?
- Evidence. - Come on, you've got to get some nutrition.
I'm all right. I've got half a bottle of Scotch. I know whose side I'm on.
Yes! Let's get boozy and sit around the fire singing dirty rugby songs!
Yeah! Right... here we go!
Oh, well. First shot to me.
- There you go. - All right.
Oh, I'm going crazy!
OK, dirty rugby songs! Let's go! Er...
# Twinkle, twinkle, little... #
Oh, it's not very dirty, that one, is it? Eddie? Oh, Eddie!
Oh, Eddie, don't pass out already! You'll miss out on all the fun.
- What fun? - Yes, I suppose that's a point.
When you come to think of it, nothing much happens in the country.
You wonder why they do it, really, don't you? I mean... with something as small as that.
Mine's bigger than that and mine's tiny!
Ish. Tiny-ish.
Oh, well... time for bed.
It's only 5.30.
This is the country. You know what they say - "A cuckoo in May, oo-arr, oo-arr-eyy!"
Right, well...
Here we are, Edward.
Are you sure you didn't sneak a peek at my underpants?
Absolutely, Richie. I give you my word of honour.
I didn't get even the slightest glimpse of your gaudily-stained love blob containers.
All right. Good. Well, nighty-night, then.
What do you normally do when you go to bed?
- I normally have a bit of a kip. - You're so concise.
- I mean, what's your going-to-bed routine? - Ah, routine.
Well, I normally get into bed... and then I have a bit of a kip.
I wonder what's on telly right now.
Probably missing "Emmerdale Farm".
Matt'll have his arm up some cow's backside by now. Lucky bugger!
We'll miss the "Late Show", of course.
Cor! That bird in the red specs!
Are you carrying a torch for her?
- No, it's just the way my trousers rucked up. - Oh... oh.
What are you reading, Eddie?
I dunno. I'm too drunk to focus.
I'm bored now.
- Ever been hang-gliding, Eddie? - Nope.
No, nor me.
Well, that's exhausted that one.
- I can't think of anything else to talk about. - Night-night, then!
Yes, I suppose so. Night-night, sleep tight. Hope the bed bugs do not bite.
If they do, do a poo, put it in a Cornish stew!
Into the ambulance, dring, dring, dring! Fish, trousers, elephant in Peking!
Saw a busy bee, diddle-diddle-dee! Daddy's an accountant just me like! Night-night. God bless.
I'm still not asleep, you know.
You know, I think it's this sleeping bag. It's letting in a draught.
Oh, my heart bleeds
Come on, Eddie, I'm more sensitive than you are.
Do us a favour, old pal. Grab my drawstring and give it a bloody good yank.
- I beg your pardon? - Here, here.
OK, fine, fine! Good.
Ah, right. Night-night, then.
No, no, no! Put the light out, Eddie, would you?
I can't get out. I'll have to do it myself.
Oh, oh!
Oh, God, who'd be me?
Night-night, then, world.
Eddie! Eddie!
There's someone outside doing owl impressions!
Not very good ones either. Eddie?
- Ahhhhhhh! - No, Eddie, no!
- What are you doing that for? I was dreaming. - It sounded harrowing.
No, I was in bed with Kim Basinger. It was fantastic!
Let's get back to sleep very quickly!
- Where the bloody hell am I? - Calm down, you're in a tent.
- Eddie, I think there's something outside. - Yeah.
There's bound to be something outside.
You can't expect the entire universe
to be contained within the confines of a small canvas tent.
- You're very philosophical for this time of night. - After all that Scotch, what do you expect?
- Listen!
I'm serious! I'm getting a sense of something magnificently evil, black and foul
hanging in the air, waiting to destroy us!
That'll be the fish repeating on you.
- There it is again! What do you think it is?
A wolf... a bear?
- Wombles! - WOMBLES!
Eddie, why don't we bring the fire inside the tent to ward them off?
- That'd be a bit dangerous, wouldn't it? - No, it's gone out.
- Well, what's the point, then? - Oh, yes, silly me.
Hey, hey, hey! Why don't we light a small fire inside the tent?
- All right, just a small one. - You know me!
- A itsy-bitsy, teeny one. - Good old Eddie.
Now, where's the paraffin?
Here we go.
Don't drink it! We need that!
- Stand well back. - I can't get out of this bloody sleeping bag!
- Here we go. - No, change of plan!
Nice one! That should ward 'em off
Eddie, look! Help me get out of this sleeping bag!
There's no time!
No, no!
AHHHHHHHH!
Right, well, that's about it for me. I'm off.
- Are you not coming? - I can't move, can I?
That's a point.
Eddie... no!