1
00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,557
(Man) I would have had them all
but I was full.

2
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,591
(2nd man) Well, this is it.

3
00:00:15,640 --> 00:00:19,758
Exactly. The way they are crushed
inside those lorries.

4
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,711
Vets hit them with planks. Vets!

5
00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:24,672
The hormones make
them so huge they're in agony!

6
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,711
Boo hoo about calves,

7
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,513
they do that with crabs,
you don't weep about crabs.

8
00:00:29,560 --> 00:00:32,518
Every animal has a right
to decent treatment.

9
00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,030
You're wrong
and you're a grotesquely ugly freak.

10
00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:40,312
Thanks. Animal rights. It's
an extremely controversial subject,

11
00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,796
not just the odd dinner party
punch-up over squealing meat.

12
00:00:43,840 --> 00:00:46,957
It's the Spaniards
chucking horses out of towers,

13
00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,151
the Chinese sucking the brains
out of live monkeys

14
00:00:50,200 --> 00:00:54,876
and now this, a shocking example
taken from a recent Libyan News.

15
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:57,229
(Speaking Arabic)

16
00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:00,909
The footage shows a ritual
from the Feast of Ayed Alabta,

17
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:05,511
a celebration in which the men
of Tripoli have a great time

18
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,677
but the same cannot be said
for their cattle.

19
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:10,711
At the climax of the feast,

20
00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,389
a cow is rounded up
and driven into a metal tube,

21
00:01:14,440 --> 00:01:17,796
a tube which is charged
with explosives.

22
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:23,990
The cow is fired through the air
and lands in a crunched-up boneheap.

23
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,476
Running men then clobber
any remaining life out of it

24
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:30,159
with their fists and feet
and sticks.

25
00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:32,191
The body is dragged about

26
00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:34,993
and then left
for the dogs and jackals.

27
00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,919
And possibly scorpions
if they eat meat, I don't know.

28
00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:40,996
Tonight on Brass Eye...

29
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:45,431
Animals - are we too nice
or too nasty?

30
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:17,879
Man's relationship with animals
has always been complex.

31
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,753
In ancient Egypt,
felines were worshipped

32
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:23,792
because the Egyptians
thought they were funny.

33
00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,674
Many of today's familiar relics
are cat monuments.

34
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:33,316
These vast cat heads were built
underground and seen by no one.

35
00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:36,432
Europe, too,
has its animal traditions.

36
00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:39,153
In Zaragoza,
the streets still get crazy

37
00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:41,919
with the annual running of the wasp.

38
00:02:41,960 --> 00:02:43,996
In Britain in the last century,

39
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:47,271
it was acceptable for
a gentleman to lose his virginity

40
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,595
to one of London's many whore dogs.

41
00:02:49,640 --> 00:02:53,553
Dickens and Prince Albert
both boasted of their experience.

42
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,558
Today animals are used
more discreetly

43
00:02:56,600 --> 00:03:00,309
as a vital lubricant
in the wheels of government.

44
00:03:00,360 --> 00:03:02,351
It was my job for 17 years

45
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,439
to procure wild beasts
for the Houses of Parliament.

46
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:09,358
I had to get bats, gibbons...

47
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:11,391
Ex-civil servant Foster Pann

48
00:03:11,440 --> 00:03:15,228
purchased over a thousand animals
to work in Westminster.

49
00:03:15,280 --> 00:03:18,556
Michael Hesseltine finds it
very useful, if he's angry,

50
00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:20,397
to have an ape to slap.

51
00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,512
Kenneth Clarke
has a baby moose in a cupboard.

52
00:03:23,560 --> 00:03:26,870
(Morris) 'The most commonly used
animals are zebras,

53
00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:31,198
hurrying between offices
with documents pinned to them.

54
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:34,915
Tony Benn had a tapir
in the '70s he sent messages on.

55
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:38,032
Rude messages to the Lords,
I always remember,

56
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,640
he used to pin
to the head of the tapir.

57
00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,638
Most of it was great fun.
I enjoyed the job.

58
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:45,750
The only real difficulty I had

59
00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,998
was trying to haul a basking shark
up the Thames for Jack Ashley,

60
00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:52,031
it didn't really work out.

61
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,596
It died after three days
of being tethered to the terrace.

62
00:03:56,640 --> 00:04:00,394
Jack was quite unpopular
after that for a while.

63
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,670
So much for the fat brass
of Westminster

64
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:06,474
but this East London boozer
knows all about animal abuse,

65
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:08,511
because here every week,

66
00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:12,189
beer users gather to watch
large men fight with weasels.

67
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:17,071
(Man) 'There's normally
about 40 men in a room,

68
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:20,237
standing round in a ring
and a bag above your head.

69
00:04:20,280 --> 00:04:23,033
Somebody pulls a string,
the weasels cascade out,

70
00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,755
and you've got as short a time
as possible to despatch them.

71
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,189
I've seen a man die
weasel fighting.

72
00:04:29,240 --> 00:04:33,199
When you're fighting a weasel,
he's bigger than a man.

73
00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:36,391
And there is money in it,
if you're good.

74
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:40,035
There's other perks as well -
the women.

75
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,231
They fancy you if you
kick the shit out of a weasel.

76
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:47,273
(Morris) 'After 13 years in which
he pulped over 4,000 weasels,

77
00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:50,710
Lerring suffered
a compound nervous breakdown.

78
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,594
I lost it and I just picked up
a living doing otters,

79
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:58,030
which are very easy,
they're very docile animals,

80
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:03,791
and even when they pump them full
of rat hormones, which they do...

81
00:05:03,840 --> 00:05:06,513
you can kill an otter
in about a second.

82
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,351
Just kick its face off.

83
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:13,437
(Morris) 'Many legal sports
kill animals, too.

84
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,756
But I think the thing
that people get fussed about

85
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:21,555
is that a fox is a small, brown,
furry animal, very much like a dog.

86
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,273
I don't think
they'd be nearly so worried

87
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:27,630
if it was a little
four-legged car full of chips.

88
00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,877
(Morris) 'The evil in
our relationship remains a paradox.

89
00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:33,150
If you plot number of animals abused

90
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,589
against what makes people cruel,

91
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:38,279
versus intelligence of either party,

92
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:42,996
it's so unreadable you might as well
draw in fox heads on sticks.

93
00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,918
If you do,
an interesting thing happens -

94
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,713
the word "cruel" starts flashing.

95
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:52,230
So, are we cruel to hunt foxes?

96
00:05:52,280 --> 00:05:56,751
The fox feels nothing.
It's made of string.

97
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,677
Or are we too nice?

98
00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:01,996
This is a bus-load of flies
going on holiday to Africa.

99
00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,634
They'll enjoy Somalia
but should they?

100
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:08,719
Can it possibly be right
for gene men to play with DNA?

101
00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:13,788
This one...survived a couple of days
and then just keeled over and died.

102
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:15,239
Is this wrong?

103
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:18,909
- How on earth can you justify this?
- (Pigs squealing)

104
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:23,875
And has anybody ever come up with
a reasonable argument for this?

105
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:24,909
(Squeaking)

106
00:06:28,080 --> 00:06:30,992
Of course, animals and man
have coexisted

107
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,474
since long before we all evolved.

108
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,193
But while cruelty
makes our hearts bleed

109
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:38,993
Iike fresh operation scars
in a hot bath,

110
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,429
our daily language is full of abuse,

111
00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,552
with expressions like
"frog stupid"? Why?

112
00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:48,309
For some answers,
David Jatt asked Carla Lane for them.

113
00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,318
I saw something in the paper
this morning.

114
00:06:51,360 --> 00:06:54,750
A bulldog mauled a girl,
we don't want that. But...

115
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:57,519
We wouldn't like a girl
to maul a bulldog, either.

116
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,120
- No.
- No. But when you read on,

117
00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:04,039
you learn that some boys threw
the bulldog into the garden

118
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,071
- to get a fight together.
- Yeah.

119
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,430
Now, the bulldog was put down
but nobody said,

120
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,155
"What did they do to the bulldog
before it was in the garden? "

121
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:16,670
They wind up the tail,
tweak its central nervous system

122
00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:18,517
and it goes like a rocket.

123
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:20,949
Yes. But they put it down,
no thought.

124
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,798
Of course.
Now, they put the dog down...

125
00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,389
What of the people that fired
it off like some elastic...

126
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:31,035
There are no words to describe,
prison's not good enough,

127
00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,958
prison's become
bed and breakfast and telly.

128
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:37,151
Prison's too good. What about jail?

129
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,668
They should have
their coccyx twisted.

130
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:43,395
- Yes. Now people will say...
- Can I just say,

131
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:47,353
this, which has been prepared by
the news graphic people,

132
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,233
represents what's going on
in one way.

133
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:53,158
Is that the sort of thing
you'd agree with?

134
00:07:53,200 --> 00:07:57,876
"Human version of..."
Yes, I think so.

135
00:07:57,920 --> 00:08:01,595
I've been 20 years
going to the ministers

136
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,313
and they're finding out
what man does.

137
00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:06,351
- Yeah.
- Not only to calves,

138
00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:09,119
to everything -
frog's legs they're onto...

139
00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,435
- East End weasel fighting.
- Everything.

140
00:08:11,480 --> 00:08:14,233
Pulling live weasels out of the wild

141
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:18,068
- and making them fight a man.
- Yeah. And they have...

142
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:21,430
they do have endearing,
wonderful habits, animals.

143
00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,153
- I had guinea pigs, 11 years old.
- Jesus!

144
00:08:24,200 --> 00:08:25,918
- And one died.
- Yeah.

145
00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,269
Just before it died,
it washed its face.

146
00:08:28,320 --> 00:08:31,915
From what you're saying,
have we got it right or wrong?

147
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,157
What, people? Wrong!
A hundred million times...

148
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,351
- We're right here.
-..people wrong.

149
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:42,871
What chance of getting even here,
let alone here?

150
00:08:42,920 --> 00:08:46,959
Oh, dear. Not much.

151
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:48,479
Here?

152
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:50,511
Never in my lifetime or yours.

153
00:08:50,560 --> 00:08:54,553
Just watch this, then.
We're trying this, there's a tension,

154
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:58,149
- it goes back like that.
- I think so.

155
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,319
(Woman) 'During the Blitz,
when many clocks were destroyed,

156
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:09,036
Londoners knew the time by watching
a dog throw itself off a high board,

157
00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,834
which it did precisely
every 60 seconds, 24 hours a day,

158
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:15,030
for over eight months.

159
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,670
Institutionalised cruelty
is one thing

160
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:24,838
but the twisted brain-wrong of a
one-off man-mental is quite another.

161
00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,836
Ted Maul disturbs.

162
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:30,475
Arable Wiltshire,
a peaceful country haven

163
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,239
Iike something out of a cheese ad.

164
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,157
It doesn't look troubled...

165
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,998
but it is,
at least for one of these cows.

166
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:43,034
Take some money, this, and
a human mind as bent as a bad hedge.

167
00:09:45,840 --> 00:09:48,832
Six months ago,
life for a cow here at Park Farm

168
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,677
was pretty much like this.

169
00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:52,358
Nothing much going on here.

170
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,834
But last June, out of nowhere,

171
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:58,316
anti-cow slogans
started appearing on the sheds,

172
00:09:58,360 --> 00:10:02,478
the text designed to undermine
the cows' confidence.

173
00:10:02,520 --> 00:10:05,318
Local press
caught whiff of a weird one

174
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:08,113
when the vandal shot his paint
straight at the cow,

175
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:10,594
in the form of words like "twat"

176
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:14,030
and later "fucknut"
and "arsecandle",

177
00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:17,277
as the campaign
plunged into overdrive.

178
00:10:17,320 --> 00:10:19,880
Next came
a wave of sick attachments -

179
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:22,229
cow attached to a filing cabinet,

180
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:25,909
cow attached to a Mini engine
in a shopping trolley.

181
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,190
What sort of mind would do this?

182
00:10:28,240 --> 00:10:31,994
We contacted a huge bank
of psychiatrists in the States.

183
00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,349
They told us, "The guy's a homo."

184
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:37,278
- (Phone) 'A homosexual.
- 'Then, a breakthrough.

185
00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:40,278
The vandal was caught on camera.

186
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,197
(Man) 'You got no knickers.

187
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:45,994
(Maul) 'This farmer's son's handicam
footage shows him at work...

188
00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:47,234
(Man) 'Fuck off.

189
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:49,919
..whispering inept insults
down a wire,

190
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:51,951
straight into the cow's head.

191
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:55,231
(Man) '..don't even know what
electricity is, do you?

192
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:58,511
(Maul) 'The man was Simon Hotrin,
known locally as Chobb.

193
00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:02,394
(Chobb) 'Push off my wire.
(Maul) 'He lives in a field.

194
00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:03,919
(Chobb) 'Toss arse.

195
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,953
But that night, Chobb
had discovered a bad new hobby.

196
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,958
(Chobb) 'Idiot, fucking idiot,
idiot, idiot, idiot.

197
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,275
Stupid, stupid fucking idiot.

198
00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:18,189
(Maul) 'It seemed the court action
would be open and shut but it wasn't.

199
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,789
These pics from the Beeb's
Western Region show.

200
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,195
..but walked free
on a technicality.

201
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,231
(Maul) 'Local feeling ran high.

202
00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,078
One activist got so angry
he donned a cow suit

203
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,078
and lamped Hotrin
right outside the court.

204
00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:36,796
Wow, he chopped him in the gob
and he's legged it. Great running.

205
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:41,197
He may have been free but Chobb
owed the world an explanation.

206
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,073
I'm gonna muck your lens,
you gay sod!

207
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:48,591
Hotrin prevented himself
from giving a real interview

208
00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:53,509
but we gleaned vital clues
from some documents we nicked.

209
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,552
These docs show that Hotrin
had been driven nuts

210
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,876
because the land on which he lives
is owned by the cow.

211
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:03,390
In the will of Edith Bates,
a local crone who loved cattle,

212
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:05,510
then eccentric, now dead,

213
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,551
the cow inherited the land

214
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:10,637
and a special bank account
for stockpiling rent.

215
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:13,353
Meanwhile, for the beast,

216
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:16,517
which knows nothing of money
or bitter mankind,

217
00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,915
life has become a living cowmare,

218
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:23,351
thanks to the thoughtless
beneficence of a mad old woman.

219
00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:34,559
So far do we have it right or wrong?
Let's ask the answer prancer.

220
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,990
(# Renaissance music)

221
00:12:38,040 --> 00:12:41,430
Thanks. Find out
exactly what to think next.

222
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:47,433
Still to come up - David Jatt
meets Peregrine Worsthorne.

223
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,358
Here's a point.

224
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:53,710
We execute wasps
but we don't execute dogs.

225
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,239
We execute wasps because they sting
us and dogs give us pleasure.

226
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,271
Do wasps really sting us?

227
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:05,472
Well, they do, they have stung me
and it seemed like a sting.

228
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,954
Was it actually a sting?

229
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:12,312
Uh... I call it a sting.
I'm a creature of habit.

230
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,113
I've never been stung by a wasp.

231
00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,669
I don't necessarily believe...
We're told they sting.

232
00:13:20,720 --> 00:13:24,349
Well, I have been stung by a wasp
and they do sting.

233
00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:27,517
People say that snakes sting
and snakes bite.

234
00:13:27,560 --> 00:13:30,836
I haven't been stung by a snake,
I'm glad to say...

235
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,440
- That's cos they bite.
- Or bite.

236
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:36,472
Now, that, weirdly, I believe,

237
00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,954
and yet I've never been bitten
by a snake.

238
00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:40,672
Why don't I believe...

239
00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,917
Why do a lot of people not
believe that wasps sting?

240
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:49,432
Come out into our garden
in South Bucks on a summer's day,

241
00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:51,710
I'll find you a wasp and...

242
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,432
- Sting me with it.
- What?

243
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:55,311
You'd sting me with a wasp?

244
00:13:55,360 --> 00:13:58,033
- This is a conversation...
- Yes.

245
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,038
(Morris) 'Before it all stops,

246
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,674
a school tour for the Oxford don

247
00:14:32,720 --> 00:14:35,439
who believes
all animals are vegetarian.

248
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,552
Now, what do crocodiles eat? Natalie?

249
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:40,431
Other animals.

250
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:43,677
- (Groans)
- No, they eat grass.

251
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:47,395
Why wildlife documentaries
are often misleading...

252
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,149
(Woman) The famous footage
of a lion killing a wildebeest -

253
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,192
- can you explain that?
- The lion was chasing it,

254
00:14:54,240 --> 00:14:58,233
in fact, it wanted to catch up
with it to give it a potato.

255
00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,669
And can animal breeding go too far?

256
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:05,510
A discussion point for David Jatt
and horse jumper Oliver Skeete.

257
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:09,678
Is it because they don't have legs
that spherical cows are so bad?

258
00:15:09,720 --> 00:15:13,633
Or is there cruelty involved?
I mean, what what what what?

259
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,433
I'm not sure what they do
to the cows.

260
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,358
They breed them
in a particular direction,

261
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:21,709
so they're just a big ball of meat.

262
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,830
No, I wouldn't like to eat that.

263
00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:27,350
If I knew I was eating that,
I would go absolutely mad,

264
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:31,359
it's like somebody putting
a bit of snot in a bit of bread.

265
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:34,995
Really? That sort of thing?
Somebody's at a restaurant,

266
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:39,431
somebody out there, and they get
a piece of spherical cow,

267
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:42,631
- what do they do?
- They just eat it, don't they?

268
00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:46,355
But what SHOULD they do,
for God's sake? Yeah, yeah, yeah...

269
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:48,391
They should make a stink,

270
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,398
phone up people
and complain about the meat.

271
00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,228
"This came from a spherical cow,
how dare you sell this to me? "

272
00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,838
That's right.

273
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:04,397
More good news for animals
with Mike Fox's elephant campaign.

274
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,237
Let me explain.

275
00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:08,840
If this elephant was called Mike Fox,

276
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:13,351
it would have exactly the same name
as the man that did the campaign.

277
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:15,550
Mike Fox and Andrew Dean.

278
00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:17,955
These men hate zoos.

279
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:20,560
Together they run
the World Organisation

280
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,751
For Decreasing Captive
Animal Problems - WOFDCAP,

281
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,268
incorporating Against Animal Anger

282
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:30,359
And Autocausal Abuse Atrocities
in Zoos - AAAAAAAZ.

283
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,868
Two weeks ago they read about Karla,

284
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,595
an East German elephant
who'd been so upset by captivity

285
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:38,915
she'd stuck her trunk in her anus.

286
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:43,715
In seconds, a campaign was born to
publicise Karla's plight in a video

287
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,752
and tell the world about zoochosis,

288
00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,598
the disease
that drives animals nuts.

289
00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:52,279
Jilly Cooper
was busy writing a book.

290
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,880
- 'Hello?
- Has Jilly come out of her shed?

291
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,833
But Fox persuaded her to send
a drawing of Karla in her plight.

292
00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,758
(Fox) Thank you very much
for your picture.

293
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,918
We showed Karla and I think
she gave a little elephant smile.

294
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:09,077
Oh, I love that,
I want to cry, that's sweet.

295
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:11,953
- The zoo won't acknowledge us.
- 'Bastards!

296
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,719
She could be accommodated
by Jimmy Page.

297
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,833
- 'It's only this bloody book.
- Oh, bloody book!

298
00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:21,269
Oh, duck,
you've made me very happy.

299
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:23,231
- 'OK, darling, bye.
- Bye.

300
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:25,271
With Jilly's drawing on her shirt,

301
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:28,118
Britt Ekland
told the world about WOFDCAP.

302
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,435
Last year they stopped penguins

303
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:34,712
catapulting each other through
the glass roof at Sydney Zoo.

304
00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:38,594
Last month they stopped a pig
throwing itself out of a tree

305
00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,394
onto a python
in a two-way death pact in Chester.

306
00:17:42,440 --> 00:17:46,638
Now they want to help Karla,
an East German elephant

307
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:50,559
who has got her trunk
jammed up her own guts.

308
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:56,396
I can't understand the mentality
or physical make-up

309
00:17:56,440 --> 00:18:00,479
of anybody that lets an elephant
get into that condition.

310
00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:04,593
(Morris) 'Paul Daniels' contribution
moved all to horrible tears.

311
00:18:04,640 --> 00:18:09,839
Karla the elephant is currently
curled up in kind of a grey ball.

312
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,678
Her trunk is actually
stuck up her anus

313
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,633
and they're not trying to help her,
so we must.

314
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:20,116
I'll give you another one
that you can cut in later,

315
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:22,754
I'll just say that
and you can cut it in later.

316
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,475
Yeah, go, well, go to the elephant,
go to somewhere else

317
00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:28,511
and...still rolling?

318
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,871
Come on, help us get that trunk out.

319
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:37,071
(Morris) 'And so thank Christ
for Wolf the Gladiator,

320
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,429
who joined not a moment too soon.

321
00:18:39,480 --> 00:18:44,793
Urgent news - Karla has started
to ingest her own head.

322
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,674
Her dung pump mechanism has blown.

323
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:52,838
There's bloody vegetable gas
everywhere.

324
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:56,270
For God's sake,
help us pull her trunk out.

325
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,550
She needs Wolf power

326
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:03,116
or she will explode
in a shower of pulped yams.

327
00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:05,230
Please help me and AAAAAAAZ

328
00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:08,192
get Karla's trunk
out the end of her guts.

329
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,674
With that ace burst of Wolf,

330
00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,951
the WOFDCAP appeal
was ready for its final phase.

331
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,468
You've heard a great deal
about Karla,

332
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,318
the poor elephant
in this East German zoo

333
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,397
who's suffering horrendously,
horribly.

334
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,876
Desmond Morris,
the great anthropologist,

335
00:19:25,920 --> 00:19:27,911
the author of The Naked Ape,

336
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:31,635
who understands more about
animals than probably anybody,

337
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:34,353
has written this little poem
about Karla.

338
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,550
I'd like to read it to you.

339
00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,433
"Aren't we a bunch of fuckwits?

340
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:43,268
"An elephant could no more
get its trunk up its arse

341
00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,470
"than we could lick our balls."

342
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,309
We're obviously
pretty close to a solution.

343
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,830
Three points. Firstly,
cruelty has not been eliminated.

344
00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:57,156
These goats are going to box
each other's heads in

345
00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:59,998
and there's nothing the law
can do about it.

346
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,315
On the other hand,
we can be too nice.

347
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:05,796
This woman spent her life
savings on plastic surgery

348
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:08,559
to make her dog
look like Ralph Fiennes.

349
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:11,637
It's an improvement on the original.

350
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,355
Well, the way ahead's obviously
through compromise.

351
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:19,871
Next month sees new regulations
for slaughterhouses.

352
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:21,751
How are these going to work?

353
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:25,509
We kill 400 cows a week
and to redress the balance,

354
00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:29,030
we'll be slaughtering
one member of staff every six weeks.

355
00:20:29,080 --> 00:20:31,469
That's him?
Are you happy about this?

356
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,193
- Oh, yes, yes.
- Thank you for coming in.

357
00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,117
- So whatever you...
- Hello.

358
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:41,359
So whatever you forget about
tonight's programme, remember this...

359
00:20:41,400 --> 00:20:44,358
Introduction time,
let's talk about cows.

360
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:47,517
This is the grave of a cow.

361
00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,599
As you'll see, it was killed
in unnecessary pain, by a man.

362
00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:55,315
- We agree with that, don't we?
- I agree, yes.

363
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:59,194
If we think it's bad in this country,
if it's bad in Europe,

364
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:01,231
it's worse in Libya.

365
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,236
Take a look at this piece of VT.

366
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:07,831
(Jatt) 'The men gather round
and finish it off with their feet,

367
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:13,557
drag it through town and leave it
quite often to the jackals and dogs.

368
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,990
In fact, the end word of
this news report from his mouth is,

369
00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:19,315
"Wow, look at that dead bastard."

370
00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:23,069
That incident itself,
the Libyan cattle slaughter,

371
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,156
- right or wrong?
- Wrong.

372
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,636
- That wrong?
- Yes, absolutely wrong.

373
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,671
OK, yeah, you can kill the tape.

374
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:33,314
- Please, kill the tape.
- Kill the tape.

375
00:21:34,000 --> 00:21:36,992
(Phone) 'Hi, this is Alexandra Paul
from Baywatch.

376
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:40,476
Please help me get Karla's
head out of her guts now

377
00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:42,192
before she explodes.

378
00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:45,835
(Fox) 'Just imagine how she feels.
(Paul) 'Oh, gosh.

379
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,714
(Fox) 'Oh, goodness me! Goodness!
I've just received this.

380
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:53,036
Now, our vet has managed to get in
an hour ago...

381
00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:54,559
(Paul) 'Uh-huh...

382
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:58,115
..and she pulled Karla's head out.
Oh, God!

383
00:21:58,160 --> 00:22:00,276
(Paul) 'Well, what does it say?

384
00:22:00,320 --> 00:22:03,232
(Fox) 'Her head came out
but it had shrunk

385
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,636
and it was now small
and smooth and white.

386
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,830
(Paul) 'So did she put it back in?

387
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:12,190
(Fox) 'No, she's walking around
with a smooth white head

388
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:14,276
about the size of a man's head.

389
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,880
- 'God...
- 'She's got eyes...

390
00:22:16,920 --> 00:22:20,230
..but she hasn't got any ears.

391
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:25,513
It looks like one of our helpers,
Andrew Dean, got sucked in.

392
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:29,678
- 'No!
- 'He's breathing through a tube.

393
00:22:29,720 --> 00:22:33,554
- 'Oh, Jesus.
- 'And he's stuck inside.

394
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:36,353
(Paul) 'You should get
a press release out.

395
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,960
(Fox) 'Which paper would print it?

396
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,878
(Paul) 'Well, you put it over AP.

397
00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:43,956
(Fox) 'You put it over a pea?

398
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:46,912
(Paul) 'You put it over
the wire services.

399
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,679
(Fox) 'What, you put a wire
over a pea?

400
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:52,109
(Paul) 'No, no, this is, um...

401
00:22:52,160 --> 00:22:54,628
(Fox) 'Is it like a distribution pea?

402
00:22:54,680 --> 00:22:58,309
I phone up a pea and I send it
down the wire to the pea

403
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,750
and then the pea sends it out
to all the newspapers.

404
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:03,199
(Paul) 'Yeah.

405
00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:06,755
- 'Thanks very much, Alexandra.
- 'OK, and, um...

406
00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:11,078
(Fox) 'I'll pass on your good wishes,
particularly to Andrew...

407
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:13,350
if he's still going.

408
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,391
(Hangs up phone)