1
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:13,392
- Hello, I'm Paul Troxx.
- And I'm Eve Pollard.

2
00:00:13,440 --> 00:00:16,716
We're looking tonight
at the appalling hazards of...

3
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,399
(Both)..irresponsible
weapons research.

4
00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:21,829
Terrible cases have arisen
in Siberia,

5
00:00:21,880 --> 00:00:25,998
where weapon chemicals are disrupting
embryo organ precursor cells

6
00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:27,837
in pregnant women.

7
00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:32,192
Precursor cells are the starting
points for every part of the body

8
00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:36,677
but they can be chemically switched
so they all make the same part.

9
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:40,076
Our undercover crew
was shown this tragic case.

10
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,877
A woman had given birth
to a two-foot testicle.

11
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,152
The gland was alive when we saw it
and being kept warm in a cot.

12
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:52,476
With no mouth,
the doctors knew it could not feed

13
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,478
and they were convinced
it could feel pain.

14
00:00:55,520 --> 00:00:59,035
We were told it would live
for two or three more days,

15
00:00:59,080 --> 00:01:01,071
all the time in chronic pain.

16
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:05,910
On a scale, say, one to 100 per cent,
what percentage bad science is that?

17
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,359
Oh, 100 per cent.

18
00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:10,392
(Morris) 'Tonight on Brass Eye...

19
00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:13,318
has science gone too far?

20
00:01:44,240 --> 00:01:47,312
Tonight: science in the dock.

21
00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,352
Science, you are accused
of going too far,

22
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:54,916
of befouling, pollutement
and the intoxifaction of men's minds.

23
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:58,714
Science has increased
our understanding of suffering

24
00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:00,557
but has it really helped?

25
00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:03,672
This recent experiment
into quadriplegia

26
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,870
produced results that disturb.

27
00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:08,593
We collected together
a group of disabled people

28
00:02:08,640 --> 00:02:11,393
and placed various
household objects around,

29
00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:16,560
some with quite tempting aromas,
for example, a cup of Bovril.

30
00:02:16,600 --> 00:02:19,751
What we found was that
they would lunge secretly

31
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,916
for the Bovril and quaff it.

32
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:26,317
I think they're not disabled at all,
they're just incredibly lazy.

33
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:28,555
(Deep voice) 'Innocent or guilty?

34
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:33,557
Is it right for scientists
to play with time?

35
00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:36,831
We got two mice
to give birth to a second.

36
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,190
And when I looked over,
the clock on the wall was...

37
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:43,117
Well, it was throwing up.

38
00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:47,915
There was a wonderful blue light...
everywhere.

39
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,791
Everybody noticed it.

40
00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,116
And a sensation like, um, a yawn,

41
00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:55,037
going backwards...

42
00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,036
inside you.

43
00:02:57,080 --> 00:03:01,949
In June this year, the same men
isolated and blew up a fortnight.

44
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:07,995
And I...turned around and - whack -
I was four miles down the road,

45
00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:10,634
Iying on my face
next to a little tree

46
00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:14,195
that I hadn't been meant to be
next to for about two weeks.

47
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,913
But does science
take responsibility?

48
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:19,997
Anything that went on in
that fortnight - or out of it -

49
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:24,192
was that fortnight's fault, not ours.
It was simply a bad fortnight.

50
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,435
Innocent or guilty?

51
00:03:26,480 --> 00:03:29,790
So is it any wonder people
are afraid of technology?

52
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,035
- Technology!
- Oh, my God!

53
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:35,675
And when science is on sale,
it may be helping us...

54
00:03:35,720 --> 00:03:37,915
but what about our children?

55
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:41,714
Hi, I'm Accelorata Jengold
and I'd like to tell you about

56
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,275
the most effective
weight-loss system in pregnancy.

57
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:49,313
The figure apocalypse that is
pregnancy is a female tragedy

58
00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:53,194
that has at last been conquered
by one man, Dr Balb Kubrox.

59
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,231
- Balb?
- That's right.

60
00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,475
Look at this little guy.

61
00:03:57,520 --> 00:04:00,990
He's using my
Gynaesium Womb Implant to exercise

62
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,076
so his mom loses weight.

63
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:07,910
Activity is maintained with chemical
stimulants and mechanical prods.

64
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:10,599
He can be made to flex
30 times a second.

65
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:14,155
But Gynaesium babies
are often born snapped.

66
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,749
..foetal exerciser
that helps Junior tune ya.

67
00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,031
Tonight, science is on trial.

68
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,277
Will it be found innocent
or guilty?

69
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:26,993
Innocent or guilty?

70
00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:32,238
(Speech synthesizer) 'Innocent
or guilty? Innocent or guilty?

71
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:36,193
Look, leave me alone,
I'm trying to work it out, all right?

72
00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:45,517
Hello, I'm Tania Bryer

73
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,473
and I'm here to tell you about
a new space-saving farm idea.

74
00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:52,796
This typical farm
uses a lot of land, doesn't it?

75
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,673
Now look at this.
It's a vertical tube farm

76
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:59,872
capable of growing exactly
the same amount as a 300-acre farm

77
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:02,753
but on less than
one square metre of land.

78
00:05:02,800 --> 00:05:06,713
How? By growing crops
and vegetables vertically.

79
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:11,276
Up to a mile into the air rather than
wastefully taking up more land.

80
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,039
As available land space
is swallowed up,

81
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,834
simple, effective ideas like this
are just what we need.

82
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,475
Some people say it would be
vulnerable in a strong wind

83
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,910
but who's to say there's
going to be a strong wind?

84
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,430
Vertical farms:
good science at work.

85
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:38,434
Two weeks ago we uncovered
a story of grotesque suffering

86
00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:40,630
at the hands of medical science.

87
00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,194
Ted Maul went in search
of those hands

88
00:05:43,240 --> 00:05:45,959
determined to smash their bones out
with a little girder.

89
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,551
Loser Street -
look at all the feckless dregs.

90
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,319
In this report
you'll see them scream.

91
00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:56,351
(Screams)

92
00:05:56,400 --> 00:06:00,075
And hear unpleasant remarks
from their persecutors.

93
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,793
- Fuck off!
- You preyed on losers!

94
00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:09,118
A London alley. A body.
Looks dead but it isn't.

95
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:11,196
It just wishes it was.

96
00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:13,629
I took as many painkillers as I could

97
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:16,990
but in the end, it was better
to fight pain with pain.

98
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:20,430
I tried to kill myself
with a lawn mower.

99
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:24,075
What happened to them sounds like
something from the X-Files.

100
00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,873
I was paid £500

101
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:31,675
to have a limb grafted on my body.

102
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:34,473
Only this is real
and touches you in a way

103
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,718
that voguish fiction
wouldn't begin to understand.

104
00:06:38,760 --> 00:06:40,830
These aren't isolated cases.

105
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,997
In the last year,
numbers rose dramatically.

106
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:46,713
Conservative estimates said 1,500.

107
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,717
It works like this:

108
00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,752
you lose your money,
you reply to one of these ads

109
00:06:56,800 --> 00:06:58,950
and are persuaded to sell your body

110
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,958
to grow extra organs
for transplant clinics.

111
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,470
The deal that I struck was
to grow 150 lips on my chest.

112
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:07,476
- (Maul) For?
- £6 a lip.

113
00:07:07,520 --> 00:07:09,795
They'll even do you
a deal on the phone.

114
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,752
I'm out of wampum,
I spazzed it all on a horse.

115
00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:17,032
I was offered 500 quid
to grow a stomach full of shoulders.

116
00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:18,877
It could have been worse.

117
00:07:18,920 --> 00:07:21,992
When city analyst
Helly Melvick hit the skids,

118
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,555
she agreed to earn just £600
for a year of agony,

119
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,556
growing balls on her back.

120
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,717
It's like someone sticking
a sabre into you

121
00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:34,753
and screwing it around
day and night for six months.

122
00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:36,392
(Maul) Fuck me.

123
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:40,353
The organs are then harvested
and sold on for huge profit.

124
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,789
Who's behind this wretched usury?

125
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:46,435
Look no further than surgeons
by royal appointment,

126
00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:49,199
Hugh Spofforth and
Paul Godmanchester,

127
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,915
at London's top whack quack shack,
the Bounty Clinic.

128
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:58,193
These bread-heads don't give a
flying kak about the pain they cause.

129
00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,198
So how would they respond
to a foot in the door?

130
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:03,435
Why have you messed these people up?

131
00:08:03,480 --> 00:08:06,995
- Fuck off.
- You preyed on losers.

132
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:09,873
Dr Spofforth,
you're preying on losers.

133
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:16,318
Yes!

134
00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:21,229
The personal organiser revealed
a chain of rich clients.

135
00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:25,114
Donald Trump has received
over seven feet of new tongue.

136
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,355
Even Saddam Hussein has an access -

137
00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:30,756
he's obsessed with having
white lady's wrists.

138
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:35,715
We also discovered this man
is incubating over 700 livers.

139
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:39,514
Scenting blood, we set up
surveillance on their office

140
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:42,074
and waited till they returned.

141
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:44,873
I've just monkeyed
my way up the building.

142
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,876
I'm going to smash the window.

143
00:08:49,640 --> 00:08:51,710
Come here, you fucking louse!

144
00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,716
I've got a question for you.

145
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:56,320
What are you gonna do
about those people?

146
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,316
- You're on camera!
- Oh, yes!

147
00:08:58,360 --> 00:09:00,476
There's a camera here and here.

148
00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:03,876
- Yeah! (Blows raspberry)
- Was it just the money?

149
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:06,514
- "Was it just the money? "
- Was it just the money?

150
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:09,279
- Come on.
- You won't get away with this.

151
00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:12,995
It's not cool to be weird.
You won't get away with this.

152
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:16,669
- Grow up! Go on.
- You're just being weird. Argh!

153
00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:20,474
The creeps may have scarpered
but they forgot the golden rule.

154
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:23,034
If you're gonna jerk with Brass Eye,

155
00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:27,517
don't leave your poncey drop-top
roller skate parked outside.

156
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,151
(Morris) 'What's for pudding?

157
00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:36,715
Disturbing developments
in embryo research.

158
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:38,990
Let's have a look at this, right?

159
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:42,396
Normal-looking crab,
pregnant with a human foetus.

160
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,830
What is the point of that?
What's the argument for it?

161
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:48,599
It's cultivating foetuses
outside the womb

162
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,996
as the crab has a circulation
system that can feed it.

163
00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:54,429
But so many improvements in society

164
00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:57,790
have been brought about
by experiments on animals.

165
00:09:57,840 --> 00:10:01,230
- But that?!
- No, outrageous. Indefensible.

166
00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:05,114
- We're saying right or wrong?
- Wrong for that.

167
00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:09,631
When we asked the scientist
responsible "Why are you doing that? "

168
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:13,434
his reaction was pretty much...
(Speaking mumbo jumbo)

169
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,914
What do you do
when somebody does that?

170
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,878
- That's the way people are.
- I know, I know.

171
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:43,637
Hello, I'm Tania Bryer,

172
00:10:43,680 --> 00:10:46,911
this time, I'm afraid,
with some unpleasant truths.

173
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:50,714
Look at the sky. Doesn't look
like it's full of problems, does it?

174
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,877
But I've worked in weather
and I know that it is.

175
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:57,549
I'm not talking about ozone,
I'm talking about clouds

176
00:10:57,600 --> 00:11:01,195
because cloud damage
is dramatically on the increase.

177
00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:03,879
Due to industrial ultrabola carbons,

178
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,196
true clouds are being replaced
by mutant clouds

179
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:10,994
Iike cirrus cirrius,
jarbo nimbus and ulto-syphilis.

180
00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:13,998
More and more,
these are turning upside down

181
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,077
and injecting their rain
upwards into space.

182
00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:21,910
A Nigerian farmer can't exactly
go up there and get it back, can he?

183
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,872
Tragically,
if the water does fall downwards,

184
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,911
it can turn into triple water

185
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:29,679
which separates it into gases
as it lands,

186
00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,838
blasting trees out of the ground
and killing monkeys.

187
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:38,158
Perhaps the most disturbing effect
is the disruption of rivers.

188
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:41,795
This is footage of the river
Euphrates flowing backwards.

189
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,035
It looks like it's flowing forwards

190
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:46,389
but only because
we've reversed the film.

191
00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:49,671
Heavy water deeply confuses
river flow systems.

192
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,951
Just last month,
two rivers got completely lost

193
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:56,549
and were found wandering
about the southern oceans.

194
00:11:56,600 --> 00:12:00,275
Sadly, bad clouds equals bad science.

195
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,351
So how far has the blight
of bad science spread?

196
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,595
According to the latest scandal,

197
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,349
even as far as science classics
like the Apollo moon landing.

198
00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:14,992
Alabaster Codify reports

199
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,474
from across the big pond
they call the Atlantic Ocean.

200
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:23,479
It's 1969 and the world watches
three heroes alone in space.

201
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:27,798
Or was it four?
Who is the yelper on this tape?

202
00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,956
(Incoherent yell)

203
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,913
The 0836 Whimper was first
put down to atmospheric retching

204
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:37,396
but new evidence suggests
the sound was made by this man,

205
00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:40,671
Peacecap Johnson,
a sub-mental who died last week

206
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:44,030
at the asylum
where he'd lived for 27 years.

207
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,152
It's claimed a box of letters
found under his bed,

208
00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,952
many from Buzz Aldrin,

209
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,753
prove that Johnson
was the fourth man on 11.

210
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:56,038
From these guys right now,
it's no Apoll-a

211
00:12:56,080 --> 00:12:59,470
but an ex-operative defied
NASA to tell us que pasa.

212
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:02,910
Johnson, who was codenamed
Sleeping Beauty,

213
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,269
was a man of very low intelligence.

214
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,834
He never understood
what was going on.

215
00:13:07,880 --> 00:13:12,158
(Codify) 'Johnson's job was to act
as on-board sex receptacle.

216
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:16,113
(Candy) 'Sleeping Beauty was trained
to present his posterior to a hole

217
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,549
whenever the crew required relief.

218
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,353
(Codify)
Distorted sex drive in orbit

219
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,550
has long been a sticky knoblem.

220
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:28,310
(Candy) 'On Gemini, John Young raped
and ate two experimental monkeys.

221
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,999
(Codify)
Experiments with horses failed,

222
00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:34,077
women were deemed
too silly for space,

223
00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,509
so what man would
be the ass in NASA?

224
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:38,915
(Candy) 'He had to be
a zero-watt bulb.

225
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:43,556
He won the Stupidest Boy in the
County Fair three years running.

226
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,716
(Whimper echoes)

227
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:50,197
(Codify) 'The 0836 Whimper
is Johnson's giant squeak for mankind

228
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:52,993
at the hands
of a frustrated Collins.

229
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:55,759
He took out his frustration
on Johnson.

230
00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,759
It's what psychiatrists
would call a bully ramming.

231
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:02,997
(Codify) 'By contrast,
Aldrin used Johnson gently

232
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,032
and they forged a bond
that saved Johnson's life.

233
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,072
(Controller)
Lose Beauty, lose Beauty.

234
00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:13,477
When Houston required Johnson to be
ejected into space, Aldrin refused.

235
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:18,640
(Controller) 'Beauty must be lost.
(Aldrin) 'I repeat, I can't do that.

236
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:22,514
Once down, Johnson was whisked
to a shut-up-and-eat home

237
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:26,348
where his daffy moontalk
seemed like any other booby babble.

238
00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:29,073
I want Buzz to come back...

239
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,272
and clean my dirty
with his soapy fish.

240
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,436
The astronauts are now in hiding

241
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,836
and will only issue statements
through an animal.

242
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:42,555
But Aldrin's letters make
that testimony irrelevant.

243
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:45,512
They abound with muted references
to sex acts,

244
00:14:45,560 --> 00:14:49,075
written in a plaintive tone
that suggests a present yearning.

245
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:51,190
This is Alabaster Codify for 10NN

246
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:53,754
on the new buzz about Buzz,
the bum buzzard.

247
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,997
Did he fly in a rocket
or fly up a socket?

248
00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:06,871
Hello, Tamara Beckwith here,
at last with some good science.

249
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,911
This is a light-saving brick.

250
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:13,397
Inside, there are millions of
tiny boxes, mirrored on the inside.

251
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:17,433
During the day, light goes into
each tiny box and is trapped,

252
00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:19,869
where it remains bouncing around.

253
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:23,196
When it goes dark -
a good example of this is night -

254
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,596
turning this knob removes
the tops of the boxes

255
00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,631
and the light leaps out.

256
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,558
The light-saving brick.
It saves light.

257
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:38,998
What can be done
to keep bad science at bay?

258
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,077
All too often
it's left to the little people.

259
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:44,714
Austen Tassletine reports.

260
00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:48,878
The little people really don't
come much littler than this.

261
00:15:48,920 --> 00:15:52,629
They're GEFAFWISP
and they've launched this campaign

262
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,671
against the evil
of heavy electricity.

263
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,277
Hello, I'm Richard Briers.

264
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:01,108
I want to tell you about GEFAFWISP
and heavy electricity.

265
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:05,312
GEFAFWISP is the Global Ensortium
For A First World Initiative

266
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,716
on Scientific Practice,
self-explanatory really.

267
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,115
Heavy electricity is a bit trickier.

268
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:13,720
It's caused by particle accelerators

269
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,309
sending huge jolts of power
into domestic power lines.

270
00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:20,636
These knock the electricity
back into its wild state,

271
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,672
which is much heavier
due to flattened electrons.

272
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:27,474
The devastating result
is that masses of heavy electricity

273
00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:31,877
start falling out of wires
and crashing onto anything below.

274
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,990
This gives you some idea.

275
00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:38,352
Basically, it's like being hit
by a ton of invisible lead soup.

276
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,676
In the Sri Lankan village of Upuveli,

277
00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:46,430
inhabitants are suffering heavy
electricity attacks even as I speak.

278
00:16:46,480 --> 00:16:50,837
Can we stand around and eat pies
while they're flattened like flies,

279
00:16:50,880 --> 00:16:55,431
swatted by the tail of a mad,
invisible horse? Of course not.

280
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:59,473
You, me and GEFAFWISP
must contact the Sri Lankan embassy

281
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:02,478
and let them know
just how shoddy this all is.

282
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:07,230
If you're in any doubt, shut your
eyes and imagine a child you know

283
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,875
being hit on the head
by a ton of invisible lead soup.

284
00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,036
What's invisible lead soup?

285
00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:16,629
Non-scientific contributors
checked all the facts...

286
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:18,432
Wobbly matter?

287
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,119
..before ramming home
the dreadful urgency.

288
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:26,109
Heavy electricity is regularly
flattening cattle in Sri Lanka.

289
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:30,153
Afterwards, the poor beasts
look like giant, fur-covered slugs

290
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,191
thrashing about on their backs

291
00:17:32,240 --> 00:17:35,391
and made of what scientists
call "wobbly matter".

292
00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,112
I won't go into it here

293
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,596
but basically it's caused by
sodomised electrons,

294
00:17:40,640 --> 00:17:43,552
which rush to the cow's head end.

295
00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:46,558
Now, just apply that
to a young girl human.

296
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:49,433
Well, it's an appalling thought,
isn't it?

297
00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,199
Gita is 15 years old

298
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:56,791
and because of heavy electricity,
she is only eight inches tall.

299
00:17:56,840 --> 00:17:58,796
Now, just imagine that.

300
00:17:58,840 --> 00:18:02,913
She can't speak
but she must feel quite dreadful.

301
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,396
15 years old
and only, what, this tall.

302
00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:11,230
(Tassletine) 'Sometimes pure physical
aggression was the only way.

303
00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,589
Let me show you what's going on.

304
00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,473
Here is Upuveli,

305
00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:20,752
villagers and animals,
many small children.

306
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:24,270
Think how soft they are,
no exoskeleton,

307
00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:28,233
no horny old skin
like the village elders.

308
00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:31,795
And here is
the particle accelerator,

309
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:35,549
firing out huge,
irresponsible jolts of power.

310
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:40,355
The heavy electricity can wreak
its ghastly havoc at any minute...

311
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,908
raining down
tons of invisible lead soup

312
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:53,238
but lead soup that can
bounce destructively around

313
00:18:53,280 --> 00:18:56,272
Iike a hellish...power ball!

314
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:01,314
So, more accurately, it's
a cross between a ton of lead soup

315
00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:03,590
and a power ball, smashing...

316
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,831
animals, for example.

317
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,229
Smashing...people.

318
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:15,915
That could be your mother.

319
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:20,715
All because these bloody idiots
aren't doing their job properly.

320
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,078
So, what's to be done?

321
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,429
Write to the Sri Lankan embassy,

322
00:19:25,480 --> 00:19:27,755
expressing your acute displeasure.

323
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,836
Ask them how they'd feel

324
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:34,396
having their brain mashed
by invisible lead soup.

325
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:39,116
All you have to do is
just take a pen and sign it.

326
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,277
Yours sincerely, Steven Berkoff.

327
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:46,791
Explaining the problem is one thing,
knowing what to do quite another.

328
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,990
GEFAFWISP had expert advice.

329
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,873
Richard Branson
has sent out these plugs

330
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:55,959
with his beaming face on them,
that are being used locally.

331
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,798
And there's a man,
with this huge hammer,

332
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:03,356
who's banging on the pipes trying to
relieve the pressure on the grid.

333
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:06,358
It's called
percussive counter induction

334
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,837
and he's already held back
a massive wall of heavy electricity

335
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:12,518
for about an hour,

336
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:16,155
allowing some children
and six pigs to escape.

337
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,395
You could do that, for God's sake.

338
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:21,671
The squashed people of Upuveli
are more important

339
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:26,475
than the inconvenience of you banging
a hammer for two days in Sri Lanka.

340
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,351
Public broadcasts help.

341
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:32,313
(DJ) 'We're doing a special video
about heavy electricity...

342
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:35,557
With backing from shock-jock
Caeser the Geezer,

343
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:38,558
failure for GEFAFWISP
looked impossible.

344
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:41,319
The sad truth about heavy electricity

345
00:20:41,360 --> 00:20:45,114
is that people in power
are too afraid to rock the boat

346
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:49,233
when it comes to helping people
and helping certain situations.

347
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,271
I say to that, "Bollocks."

348
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:55,518
It's time somebody got off
their fat arse and did something.

349
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:59,599
They actually say to me there's
no such thing as heavy electricity,

350
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,393
that electricity
couldn't fall out of wires.

351
00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,158
What a load of old crap.

352
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,191
And what is even more annoying

353
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:09,391
is that they say that
GEFAFWISP is a made-up name.

354
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:11,476
It's a fabulous organisation.

355
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:15,957
Do you realise if heavy electricity
falls from these headphones,

356
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,834
not only would it blow my head off
but it would cut me in half?

357
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:22,952
If a caller calls my show
and they're on the phone

358
00:21:23,000 --> 00:21:25,878
and they're affected
by heavy electricity,

359
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,275
they could be blown 100 feet away.

360
00:21:28,320 --> 00:21:31,039
That is the dangers
of heavy electricity.

361
00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:34,470
If you are an MP or somebody
in a powerful organisation

362
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:37,637
and you are listening to me now,
let me say this -

363
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:41,719
I have a lot of television
and radio shows and a big audience.

364
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,196
Do something about it,
otherwise I'll do something about it.

365
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,710
Sadly, GEFAFWISP
has yet to receive a single reply

366
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,796
from the Sri Lankan embassy.

367
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:01,594
So what is the verdict on science?

368
00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,435
Please stand. What is the verdict?

369
00:22:06,480 --> 00:22:08,471
I'm afraid there is no verdict

370
00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:11,592
because all the jury
have died of pollution.

371
00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,550
Oh, once happy bauble,

372
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,876
twisting on the bliss twig
of ignoramy,

373
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:24,357
you were suddenly plunged
into the braintanglia of rudemath

374
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:27,198
and with what shocking results.

375
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:31,028
Has the earth been reduced
to an odious space gland?

376
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:35,273
Is this what
we've done to ourselves?

377
00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:38,391
Good Christ, I hope not.

378
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,433
(Sighs) Good night.

379
00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:51,758
Jenny Powell here,
with an urgent GEFAFWISP PS.

380
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:55,759
Great Britain could be struck
by heavy electricity too.

381
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,836
Top scientists have just proved

382
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,997
that six flattened cars
and two stunted children

383
00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:05,511
were caused by a fall of heavy
electricity in Cumbria last year.

384
00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:09,075
This also pushed the peak
of the big mountain Helvellyn

385
00:23:09,120 --> 00:23:11,839
25 metres below sea level.

386
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:17,749
Now, scientists calculate that a
massive outburst of heavy electricity

387
00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:21,713
could just push the British Isles
totally under the water.

388
00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:25,673
I should say the chances
are negligible, about 20-1,

389
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,915
but the point remains.

390
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:31,111
If this were to happen,
and this is a big if,

391
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:34,357
then it's conceivable
that the north of the country

392
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,198
will tip downwards
like a heavy land rock,

393
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,994
catapulting the southeast
towards Finland.

394
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,749
So please, let our government
know that heavy electricity

395
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,634
will not be tolerated here
or anywhere else.

396
00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,671
Cut! That's it. Perfect.