1
00:00:10,800 --> 00:00:12,791
(Panting)

2
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,830
If this were really happening,
what would you think?

3
00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:23,678
Perhaps you wouldn't be
that surprised.

4
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,951
Increasingly it seems
the bone around our brains

5
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:29,070
is not the skull but the pelvis.

6
00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:32,351
Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!

7
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,789
Just look at today's papers...

8
00:00:45,520 --> 00:00:47,750
That's the U2 lead singer, Bono Vox.

9
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:50,712
Even the local press,
the Portsmouth Gerald...

10
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:55,835
We are permissive, yet confused.

11
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,475
It's quite acceptable
for Peter Sissons to receive oral sex

12
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,557
during disaster reports
on the Nine O'Clock News.

13
00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:06,752
Yet on the Isle of Man, nudity
is still considered so shocking,

14
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:10,031
it's illegal for babies
to be born naked.

15
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:11,479
(Cries)

16
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,511
Is a baby born today

17
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:17,519
a baby born into a world
in sex crisis?

18
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,953
Good evening. Good evening.

19
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:59,709
Sex! Sex is a sumptuous glam babe
in a hall of donkeys

20
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:02,957
or a sordid little incubus
that looks like your granny.

21
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:06,231
It's a strong feelings kidney
whichever way you slice it.

22
00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:08,430
Now, where's Sophie Valve?

23
00:02:08,480 --> 00:02:12,553
Sophie lost both her parents -
they were killed on a picnic.

24
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,239
Can you tell us what happened?

25
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:18,750
Um, a frozen dog fell from a plane
and killed them

26
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:21,314
while they were making sex.

27
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,954
- Were they dead when you saw them?
- Alive.

28
00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:26,195
Oh, come off it, you twit.

29
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:31,553
They'd be dead - completely smashed
up like tongues under a hammer.

30
00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,990
Will this give you psychosexual
problems in later life?

31
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,474
It must have messed up your brain.

32
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,557
I'm afraid we will have to see
Sophie being upset

33
00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:45,593
in a more sustained way later on
in tonight's disturbing broadgram.

34
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:55,190
Let me put it this way -
it's not likely to happen,

35
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:58,516
but just say I attacked you now,
would you beat me off?

36
00:02:58,560 --> 00:03:00,755
Yes, but no more than that.

37
00:03:00,800 --> 00:03:03,951
- How long would you beat me off for?
- As long as it took.

38
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,070
- All the way?
- As long as it took.

39
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,714
Would you beat me off
with people looking?

40
00:03:08,760 --> 00:03:10,910
I'd hope they'd join in and help me.

41
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,518
Right, so would I.

42
00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:15,552
What if someone else
started attacking you,

43
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,591
would you beat us both off?

44
00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:20,200
It would be hard work
but I'd have a go.

45
00:03:20,240 --> 00:03:24,279
If a whole room of men was attacking
you, you would beat them all off?

46
00:03:24,320 --> 00:03:26,914
- I'd have to somehow.
- Of course you would.

47
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,793
I'm not quite sure how.

48
00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:32,752
- If you were in a corner, you would?
- Of course.

49
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,758
And who'd pay for
the dry cleaning afterwards?

50
00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:38,075
Oh, paying's the least of it.

51
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:51,754
(Groaning) Who says Aids guys
are too puny to do tough stuff?

52
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:55,395
This guy's got Aids
and he's beating me at arm wrestling.

53
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:58,159
Oh! Well done. Oh, gosh.

54
00:03:58,200 --> 00:03:59,952
Well done! Yeah...yeah.

55
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,275
Our friend here was unlucky enough

56
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,039
to catch his virus
from a blood transfusion...

57
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,389
No sorry,
I caught it from my boyfriend.

58
00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,158
- Your boyfriend?!
- Yeah.

59
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,431
So you've got bad Aids,
not good Aids?

60
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:16,234
You caught it through your own fault,
drugs, a homosexual act.

61
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:19,192
- Just a minute...
- Good Aids is innocent.

62
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:22,232
This ribbon means
I support someone with good Aids

63
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:25,909
because they caught the virus
through no fault of their own.

64
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,871
So what have YOU done,

65
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,151
with the big gay plague,
to stop people catching it?

66
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,509
- Personally...
- (Audience) Yeah!

67
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,915
- I use condoms.
- No, I mean here and now.

68
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,952
Like everyone else,
I'm thinking, what about us?

69
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,515
What about me now? What have you
done to stop us catching it?

70
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:45,358
What if a madman broke in here
with a machine gun

71
00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:46,799
and shot you to pieces?

72
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,832
Anyone yawning would get
your blood in their mouths.

73
00:04:49,880 --> 00:04:51,313
That's ridiculous.

74
00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,989
You shouldn't have come in.
You've got bad Aids.

75
00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:58,077
Right? Can we have him removed
during the next break?

76
00:04:58,120 --> 00:04:59,872
(Audience) Get out!

77
00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:03,674
You may remember another scandal
involving a gay man last March.

78
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,554
Captain Mervyn Bruge of the
HMS Watford was all over the press.

79
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:08,953
Libby Shuss went...

80
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,230
- You don't listen, do you?
- Get away from me!

81
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,349
(Libby) 'The boat, the Captain

82
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:16,994
and the "He's a poof" headlines.

83
00:05:17,040 --> 00:05:21,670
The scandal followed video evidence
of Captain Mervyn Bruge

84
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:25,235
indulging in an odd practice
with a gun.

85
00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:29,592
(Man) 'First I think he's going
to shoot a gull I've been looking at.

86
00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:32,473
But he takes the gun,
sticks it in his gob.

87
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,829
Starts sucking it, you know.

88
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:44,918
Like a nurse puts the baby's winkie
in her mouth to make her go quiet.

89
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,359
Like that.

90
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:50,112
(Seagulls)

91
00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,515
(Libby) 'Naval denial was swift.

92
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,154
Captain Bruge was on deck.

93
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,909
He noticed his gun was dirty
and he cleaned it.

94
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:02,396
(Libby) 'For a while that was it.
Nothing was doing.

95
00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:06,877
Until we rooted out startlingly
new evidence from this man -

96
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,399
Ben Fetch.

97
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:13,468
For a year,
he served UNDER Captain Bruge.

98
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:18,594
(Ben) 'A lot of the on-board drill
were done in the nude...

99
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,309
or sometimes just with jockstraps.

100
00:06:22,360 --> 00:06:25,830
And he used to play loud music
while we were doing it.

101
00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,270
He made me shoot fire drill
on his camera -

102
00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:33,472
- I liked being a cameraman.
-..the lads.

103
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,229
Strange thing, but you kind
of got used to it after a while.

104
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:40,272
You used to report to his office
and, in the nude,

105
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:42,276
just kind of stand there like,

106
00:06:42,320 --> 00:06:45,312
and he'd be at his desk
writing notes and whatnot

107
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,079
and he'd be humming
little tunes to himself

108
00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:50,395
and he was a bit...a bit weird.

109
00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:51,793
Dress the penis.

110
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:54,559
(Ben) 'The worst thing
was first aid drill.

111
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:58,434
We used have to dress wounds,
but it was always penises -

112
00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:00,550
penis wounds.

113
00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,556
The MOD, what will they say now?

114
00:07:05,600 --> 00:07:08,910
I'm going inside
like a ferret with a tape.

115
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:12,919
What did Sir Hugh Maharggs make
of our devastating new shots?

116
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:17,317
(Sir Hugh) 'It is absolutely
important for every man on board

117
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:20,272
to be able to dress a penis wound.

118
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:26,395
93% of wounds sustained in naval
battle are in fact to the penis.

119
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,193
I want you to take a look at this.

120
00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,998
(Libby) What is the point
of that pelvic marching?

121
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,235
Two men marching like that

122
00:07:38,280 --> 00:07:42,512
present a much smaller target
than two men marching like that.

123
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,872
Bruge often insisted
that on man-overboard drill,

124
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:51,436
he was the one thrown overboard
naked.

125
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:56,600
Um... One cannot be ashamed of what
one's pulling out of the water.

126
00:07:56,640 --> 00:08:00,315
If it is a nude man thrashing around,
gasping for his life,

127
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:04,353
one must not shrink from that task

128
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:07,233
because one is abashed
about his nudity.

129
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:09,919
(Libby) 'But two months ago,
Ben Fetch was fired

130
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:13,350
when, on the first day
of his transfer to HMS Gooch,

131
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,631
he reported for lifeboat duty
stark naked.

132
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,993
Force of habit, I suppose.
So that was me done.

133
00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,191
Court martial,
in the slammer, you know.

134
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:28,994
On Watford, nakedness was applicable,

135
00:08:29,040 --> 00:08:32,476
but on Gooch, everyone was dressed
apart from Fetch,

136
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:35,478
who was stark naked
and seemed to be indulging

137
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:38,034
in some fit of
anarchic clotheslessness

138
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:39,798
which cannot be tolerated.

139
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,274
(# Bronski Beat: Smalltown Boy)

140
00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:46,438
(Libby) 'Fetch is now unemployed,
a victim of the gay boat

141
00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:49,995
and of Captain Bruge,
who testified against him.

142
00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:52,634
He was the one
who said I spent all my time

143
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:56,673
taking my clothes off and whatnot
and he gave evidence against me

144
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,154
and he told me to do it
in the first place.

145
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,988
(Libby) 'No explanation was
given by the Navy or the MOD.

146
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:08,239
But four days ago Bruge was
on shore leave and I went on a nab.

147
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,478
Captain Bruge,
why are you being gay with your men?

148
00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,308
We saw you gobbling a gun
like a man's part.

149
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:18,954
- Get out of the way!
- Aargh! Get him!

150
00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:26,717
You made a point, that, you say,
Ben Fetch was dangerously gay.

151
00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:28,955
Yes, he's totally gay.

152
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:30,991
Fetch is as gay as a window.

153
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:32,917
What's wrong with being gay?

154
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:39,479
Homosexuals can't swim, they attract
enemy radar, they attract sharks,

155
00:09:39,520 --> 00:09:43,433
they insist on being placed
at the Captain's table,

156
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,040
they get up late,

157
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:49,152
they nudge people
whilst they're shooting,

158
00:09:49,200 --> 00:09:51,236
ah...they muck about...

159
00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:52,952
Mmm.

160
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:59,155
Imagine the fear of knowing
you have a gay man on board a boat,

161
00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:02,317
when you retire at night,
you think to yourself,

162
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:06,751
"God, will I wake up
and find everybody dead? "

163
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,076
- Quite.
- You can't run a ship like that.

164
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,473
No.

165
00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,590
So there is a good reason after all.

166
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,631
Could have saved us a lot of fuss

167
00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:18,035
if they'd told us that
in the first place.

168
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:22,073
But that wouldn't have been a story
- and maybe that's the point.

169
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,518
(Chris) 'Next on the felch spoon,
sex and fantasy.

170
00:10:30,560 --> 00:10:33,677
The door bell rings
and I go to answer it

171
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:37,315
and Alan is wearing a police uniform

172
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:42,309
and he says could he come in,
shows me his ID,

173
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,797
checks who I am and says he has
some very bad news for me.

174
00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:50,549
So I ask him into the hallway
and he says that my daughter -

175
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,910
our daughter -
has died in a car crash.

176
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,713
And I become very upset and...

177
00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:00,751
we have sex.

178
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,349
(Chris) 'And a zeit guest special
with Peter Stringfellow.

179
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,631
Peter Stringfellow is his name,
but is it only a name?

180
00:11:07,680 --> 00:11:09,989
Peter Stringfellow,
is it only a name?

181
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,270
- No.
- But you do have a name?

182
00:11:12,320 --> 00:11:14,356
Yes, I do have a name and people...

183
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,789
- You would never deny that?
- Not at all.

184
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,479
- Your club, what's it called?
- Stringfellows.

185
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:22,080
But essentially
we're talking about your club,

186
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,429
- it's called...
- Stringfellows.

187
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:29,679
(Theme swells and fades
with camera movements)

188
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:56,679
(Theme music fades in/out
in time to camera movements)

189
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,198
(Chris) 'Welcome back and shut up.

190
00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,232
New media plans for Sunday Sport's
David Sullivan.

191
00:12:08,280 --> 00:12:10,430
You've got a cable TV channel, right?

192
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:13,870
No, I've got a licence for
Little Adult Channel, which...

193
00:12:13,920 --> 00:12:15,990
- A channel for little adults.
- Yes.

194
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:19,077
And Ted Maul reviews sex
in the media.

195
00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,192
(Ted) 'This is Belgium's
most popular show.

196
00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:24,708
It features a man on a penis trike

197
00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:27,479
crashing round a play pen.

198
00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,033
(Circus music)

199
00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:35,874
And in this country next year,
a nightly four-hour show

200
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:39,151
will feature a man
looking at pictures of women

201
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:41,430
and saying which ones he'd hump.

202
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:42,799
No.

203
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,913
Yes.

204
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:49,713
(Sneers) No.

205
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,233
Yes.

206
00:12:58,760 --> 00:13:01,069
Welcome back. Now sex and children.

207
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:03,236
Stop right there, you might think,

208
00:13:03,280 --> 00:13:05,953
but don't say it
because to hear the word stop

209
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,275
is for many
the biggest turn-on of all.

210
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,517
We have Judy Luton in the audience.
Judy, there you are.

211
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:15,678
Hello, Judy.
Now tell us what happened to you?

212
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,917
- When I was nine...
- Yeah.

213
00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:20,916
.. I was abused by my uncle.

214
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,269
Sexually abused?

215
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:25,959
Do you remember
what he was like, your uncle?

216
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,877
Was he a handsome man?

217
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,480
- He...
- Just look at me. Take it easy.

218
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,034
Just look at me. Right.

219
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:35,514
Now was he as handsome as me?

220
00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:37,755
Just...for example.

221
00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:40,189
No, I...

222
00:13:41,720 --> 00:13:44,757
Not quite. Stay looking at me.

223
00:13:48,640 --> 00:13:51,473
Just do that again, will you?

224
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:53,511
God, you are...

225
00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:58,716
12.

226
00:13:58,760 --> 00:14:00,318
(Mutters) Do you...

227
00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:03,989
If you fall over in the snow,
do you make a couple of bumps?

228
00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,678
Um...

229
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:11,551
(Muttering) Probably do, don't you...
some adult channel.

230
00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:16,039
It is as easy...

231
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,470
it's as easy as that, as you,
as that,

232
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,114
for something to go wrong
in a family.

233
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:25,675
We had someone else with
a similar problem. Who was it?

234
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,870
Ah...yeah. What happened to you?

235
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:31,595
My father abused me repeatedly
between the ages of four and 16.

236
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:32,993
But not a lot recently?

237
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,632
- No.
- Good.

238
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,636
Now, from abuse to self-abuse,

239
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,150
something which has been
disrupting the senatorial elections

240
00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,997
in the United States.

241
00:14:42,040 --> 00:14:44,508
Austen Tassletine
reports reports reports.

242
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,357
This was the moment three days ago
when Senator Dale Lee Agsby

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plunged his campaign into crisis

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with an unprecedented outburst
on live TV.

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..no pride.

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Oh...

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Oh...oh...pride.

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(Sniggers)

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(Audience cries out)

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No one quite believed
what they'd seen.

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All of a sudden
he just gets out his dick, man.

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..extract his genitalia at a rally
and manipulate them to issue.

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Cords of reproductive mucus were
expelled rhythmically into the crowd.

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A big gob of the stuff
went out into the audience.

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It does indeed look like
an impulsive act of self-abuse.

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Senator Agsby unsheathes
a length of skin-clad tube.

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His anatomy breaks cloth
and he staggers around

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until finally he releases
several arcs of liquid silk

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from the fleshy nozzle of his fork.

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But for two days,
the besieged Agsby camp

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would only say
the Senator was unwell.

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For the mischief makers,
it's been a gift on a plate.

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(Man burps on radio)

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What's he going to do,
work in Dong-ress?

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(Chuckling)

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I came first in the slimeries.

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(Austen) 'And for the entrepreneurs,

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a bonus boom-bomb benefit
bowling alley.

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A whacked-out meatball
with zipper juice.

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That's a big pink stick with
a lot of cream puking out the top.

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And you can wash it down
with a cup of jerk-coffee.

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Derisive and derisory, yes,

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but Agsby was not
without approbators.

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He thrust aside the curtain

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and admitted politics is just
spewing jism in public.

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But do we listen? No, we just weep
like teased vaginas.

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(Austen) 'Midday
and Agsby makes a break for it...

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and is clearly seen in the grip
of an aggressive seizure.

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For Agsby's mainly female
family-man supporters,

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the time had clearly come

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to wake up and smell some
unpleasantly milky tea.

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So why would Agsby blow it
on a public debasement,

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albeit a pleasurable one?

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The moment he turned, I knew.
He always does it.

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I knew he was going
to get his dick out.

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He was always this way
and it's a wonder to me

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he hasn't done it before now.

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One time he jerked off
in my dog's face.

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She was very, very upset.

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(Austen) 'But in a sensational
announcement,

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Agsby claimed he'd not been
pounding his parson.

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I have for many years
suffered secretly

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from the painful effects
of Prestor Didwick's congena,

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a rare blood disorder which causes
sudden involuntary erective pressure.

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The senator explained
he'd sneezed into his hand

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just before speaking, then suffered
a massive attack of congena.

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I tried repeatedly to return
the organ with my fist...

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ah...with the effect
that the nasal mucus...

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ah...flew across the room...

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(Audience gasps)

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..and hit a few people, as you saw.

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Ah...sorry...uh...

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(Man) Is he going to do it again?

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(Audience gasps)

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(Senator) No cameras! No cameras!

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With the sound of that hullabaloo

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still ringing in its ears,
I have a question -

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would there have been all this fuss
if Agsby had been a woman?

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I somehow doubt it, don't you?

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Austen Tassletine.

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Now, part your belief curtains
for a final word on the matter

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from Peter Tatchell.

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- So what's next?
- So what's next?!

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I mean, what's going to be
the next issue

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and will it before the next election?

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I think undoubtedly,
Outrage will make an intervention

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at the next election.

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Are you going to... (Croaked out)

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I think we'll do what we can
to put pressure

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on various people in authority.

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Yeah, b-b-but, man, you know...
I mean, if that...

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was on the agenda,

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the frog wouldn't come out
of the box, would he?

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The frog certainly WOULD
come out of the box.

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(Croaked out)

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If two cabinet ministers came out...

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Howard... (Croaked out)

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That would certainly
make a very big impact.

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(Sniggers) You say Labour...

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two of them would come out too,
wouldn't they?

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They're following suit like,
you know, kids playing snap.

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The problem is everybody's
too scared to do it by themselves.

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You get six, seven, eight MPs
all coming out at once,

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none of them
are picked on individually.

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They'll all be able to have
the mutual support and solidarity -

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hopefully - of their colleagues.

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Jack Straw, Robin Cook...
Michael Howard -

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would there be an argument for them
coming out if they weren't gay?

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An interesting proposition.

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It's a bloody convincing argument.

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Why not send... (Croaked out)...
a tape of this programme

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say... (Techno beat)...
"Come on, mate,

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"you're obviously...
(Techno beat)...

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"You're a big... (Croaked out)"

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Yes.

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So where does that leave us?
Well, let's ask our audience.

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How many of you
have changed your minds?

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And why was that?

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Throughout tonight's programme,

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we've also had
a naked asexual man up a stick

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watching some pornography.

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Have you reached any conclusions?

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Well,
I hope that's been of some help.

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Just a couple of items
of whore news.

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There's a large build up of whores
in a digger on the A47.

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And in Leicester, Joanna Lumley,

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Anita Roddick
and Helena Bonham Carter

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are all whoring themselves all night

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to raise a little money to buy
coloured bricks for children.

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Helena's speciality
is a golden shower.

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And watch out in Yarmouth
for that giant whore,

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it's terrifying everybody,
including the police.

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That's it. Good night.