(Panting)
If this were really happening, what would you think?
Perhaps you wouldn't be that surprised.
Increasingly it seems the bone around our brains
is not the skull but the pelvis.
Aaaahhhhhh!!!!!
Just look at today's papers...
That's the U2 lead singer, Bono Vox.
Even the local press, the Portsmouth Gerald...
We are permissive, yet confused.
It's quite acceptable for Peter Sissons to receive oral sex
during disaster reports on the Nine O'Clock News.
Yet on the Isle of Man, nudity is still considered so shocking,
it's illegal for babies to be born naked.
(Cries)
Is a baby born today
a baby born into a world in sex crisis?
Good evening. Good evening.
Sex! Sex is a sumptuous glam babe in a hall of donkeys
or a sordid little incubus that looks like your granny.
It's a strong feelings kidney whichever way you slice it.
Now, where's Sophie Valve?
Sophie lost both her parents - they were killed on a picnic.
Can you tell us what happened?
Um, a frozen dog fell from a plane and killed them
while they were making sex.
- Were they dead when you saw them? - Alive.
Oh, come off it, you twit.
They'd be dead - completely smashed up like tongues under a hammer.
Will this give you psychosexual problems in later life?
It must have messed up your brain.
I'm afraid we will have to see Sophie being upset
in a more sustained way later on in tonight's disturbing broadgram.
Let me put it this way - it's not likely to happen,
but just say I attacked you now, would you beat me off?
Yes, but no more than that.
- How long would you beat me off for? - As long as it took.
- All the way? - As long as it took.
Would you beat me off with people looking?
I'd hope they'd join in and help me.
Right, so would I.
What if someone else started attacking you,
would you beat us both off?
It would be hard work but I'd have a go.
If a whole room of men was attacking you, you would beat them all off?
- I'd have to somehow. - Of course you would.
I'm not quite sure how.
- If you were in a corner, you would? - Of course.
And who'd pay for the dry cleaning afterwards?
Oh, paying's the least of it.
(Groaning) Who says Aids guys are too puny to do tough stuff?
This guy's got Aids and he's beating me at arm wrestling.
Oh! Well done. Oh, gosh.
Well done! Yeah...yeah.
Our friend here was unlucky enough
to catch his virus from a blood transfusion...
No sorry, I caught it from my boyfriend.
- Your boyfriend?! - Yeah.
So you've got bad Aids, not good Aids?
You caught it through your own fault, drugs, a homosexual act.
- Just a minute... - Good Aids is innocent.
This ribbon means I support someone with good Aids
because they caught the virus through no fault of their own.
So what have YOU done,
with the big gay plague, to stop people catching it?
- Personally... - (Audience) Yeah!
- I use condoms. - No, I mean here and now.
Like everyone else, I'm thinking, what about us?
What about me now? What have you done to stop us catching it?
What if a madman broke in here with a machine gun
and shot you to pieces?
Anyone yawning would get your blood in their mouths.
That's ridiculous.
You shouldn't have come in. You've got bad Aids.
Right? Can we have him removed during the next break?
(Audience) Get out!
You may remember another scandal involving a gay man last March.
Captain Mervyn Bruge of the HMS Watford was all over the press.
Libby Shuss went...
- You don't listen, do you? - Get away from me!
(Libby) 'The boat, the Captain
and the "He's a poof" headlines.
The scandal followed video evidence of Captain Mervyn Bruge
indulging in an odd practice with a gun.
(Man) 'First I think he's going to shoot a gull I've been looking at.
But he takes the gun, sticks it in his gob.
Starts sucking it, you know.
Like a nurse puts the baby's winkie in her mouth to make her go quiet.
Like that.
(Seagulls)
(Libby) 'Naval denial was swift.
Captain Bruge was on deck.
He noticed his gun was dirty and he cleaned it.
(Libby) 'For a while that was it. Nothing was doing.
Until we rooted out startlingly new evidence from this man -
Ben Fetch.
For a year, he served UNDER Captain Bruge.
(Ben) 'A lot of the on-board drill were done in the nude...
or sometimes just with jockstraps.
And he used to play loud music while we were doing it.
He made me shoot fire drill on his camera -
- I liked being a cameraman. -..the lads.
Strange thing, but you kind of got used to it after a while.
You used to report to his office and, in the nude,
just kind of stand there like,
and he'd be at his desk writing notes and whatnot
and he'd be humming little tunes to himself
and he was a bit...a bit weird.
Dress the penis.
(Ben) 'The worst thing was first aid drill.
We used have to dress wounds, but it was always penises -
penis wounds.
The MOD, what will they say now?
I'm going inside like a ferret with a tape.
What did Sir Hugh Maharggs make of our devastating new shots?
(Sir Hugh) 'It is absolutely important for every man on board
to be able to dress a penis wound.
93% of wounds sustained in naval battle are in fact to the penis.
I want you to take a look at this.
(Libby) What is the point of that pelvic marching?
Two men marching like that
present a much smaller target than two men marching like that.
Bruge often insisted that on man-overboard drill,
he was the one thrown overboard naked.
Um... One cannot be ashamed of what one's pulling out of the water.
If it is a nude man thrashing around, gasping for his life,
one must not shrink from that task
because one is abashed about his nudity.
(Libby) 'But two months ago, Ben Fetch was fired
when, on the first day of his transfer to HMS Gooch,
he reported for lifeboat duty stark naked.
Force of habit, I suppose. So that was me done.
Court martial, in the slammer, you know.
On Watford, nakedness was applicable,
but on Gooch, everyone was dressed apart from Fetch,
who was stark naked and seemed to be indulging
in some fit of anarchic clotheslessness
which cannot be tolerated.
(# Bronski Beat: Smalltown Boy)
(Libby) 'Fetch is now unemployed, a victim of the gay boat
and of Captain Bruge, who testified against him.
He was the one who said I spent all my time
taking my clothes off and whatnot and he gave evidence against me
and he told me to do it in the first place.
(Libby) 'No explanation was given by the Navy or the MOD.
But four days ago Bruge was on shore leave and I went on a nab.
Captain Bruge, why are you being gay with your men?
We saw you gobbling a gun like a man's part.
- Get out of the way! - Aargh! Get him!
You made a point, that, you say, Ben Fetch was dangerously gay.
Yes, he's totally gay.
Fetch is as gay as a window.
What's wrong with being gay?
Homosexuals can't swim, they attract enemy radar, they attract sharks,
they insist on being placed at the Captain's table,
they get up late,
they nudge people whilst they're shooting,
ah...they muck about...
Mmm.
Imagine the fear of knowing you have a gay man on board a boat,
when you retire at night, you think to yourself,
"God, will I wake up and find everybody dead? "
- Quite. - You can't run a ship like that.
No.
So there is a good reason after all.
Could have saved us a lot of fuss
if they'd told us that in the first place.
But that wouldn't have been a story - and maybe that's the point.
(Chris) 'Next on the felch spoon, sex and fantasy.
The door bell rings and I go to answer it
and Alan is wearing a police uniform
and he says could he come in, shows me his ID,
checks who I am and says he has some very bad news for me.
So I ask him into the hallway and he says that my daughter -
our daughter - has died in a car crash.
And I become very upset and...
we have sex.
(Chris) 'And a zeit guest special with Peter Stringfellow.
Peter Stringfellow is his name, but is it only a name?
Peter Stringfellow, is it only a name?
- No. - But you do have a name?
Yes, I do have a name and people...
- You would never deny that? - Not at all.
- Your club, what's it called? - Stringfellows.
But essentially we're talking about your club,
- it's called... - Stringfellows.
(Theme swells and fades with camera movements)
(Theme music fades in/out in time to camera movements)
(Chris) 'Welcome back and shut up.
New media plans for Sunday Sport's David Sullivan.
You've got a cable TV channel, right?
No, I've got a licence for Little Adult Channel, which...
- A channel for little adults. - Yes.
And Ted Maul reviews sex in the media.
(Ted) 'This is Belgium's most popular show.
It features a man on a penis trike
crashing round a play pen.
(Circus music)
And in this country next year, a nightly four-hour show
will feature a man looking at pictures of women
and saying which ones he'd hump.
No.
Yes.
(Sneers) No.
Yes.
Welcome back. Now sex and children.
Stop right there, you might think,
but don't say it because to hear the word stop
is for many the biggest turn-on of all.
We have Judy Luton in the audience. Judy, there you are.
Hello, Judy. Now tell us what happened to you?
- When I was nine... - Yeah.
.. I was abused by my uncle.
Sexually abused?
Do you remember what he was like, your uncle?
Was he a handsome man?
- He... - Just look at me. Take it easy.
Just look at me. Right.
Now was he as handsome as me?
Just...for example.
No, I...
Not quite. Stay looking at me.
Just do that again, will you?
God, you are...
12.
(Mutters) Do you...
If you fall over in the snow, do you make a couple of bumps?
Um...
(Muttering) Probably do, don't you... some adult channel.
It is as easy...
it's as easy as that, as you, as that,
for something to go wrong in a family.
We had someone else with a similar problem. Who was it?
Ah...yeah. What happened to you?
My father abused me repeatedly between the ages of four and 16.
But not a lot recently?
- No. - Good.
Now, from abuse to self-abuse,
something which has been disrupting the senatorial elections
in the United States.
Austen Tassletine reports reports reports.
This was the moment three days ago when Senator Dale Lee Agsby
plunged his campaign into crisis
with an unprecedented outburst on live TV.
..no pride.
Oh...
Oh...oh...pride.
(Sniggers)
(Audience cries out)
No one quite believed what they'd seen.
All of a sudden he just gets out his dick, man.
..extract his genitalia at a rally and manipulate them to issue.
Cords of reproductive mucus were expelled rhythmically into the crowd.
A big gob of the stuff went out into the audience.
It does indeed look like an impulsive act of self-abuse.
Senator Agsby unsheathes a length of skin-clad tube.
His anatomy breaks cloth and he staggers around
until finally he releases several arcs of liquid silk
from the fleshy nozzle of his fork.
But for two days, the besieged Agsby camp
would only say the Senator was unwell.
For the mischief makers, it's been a gift on a plate.
(Man burps on radio)
What's he going to do, work in Dong-ress?
(Chuckling)
I came first in the slimeries.
(Austen) 'And for the entrepreneurs,
a bonus boom-bomb benefit bowling alley.
A whacked-out meatball with zipper juice.
That's a big pink stick with a lot of cream puking out the top.
And you can wash it down with a cup of jerk-coffee.
Derisive and derisory, yes,
but Agsby was not without approbators.
He thrust aside the curtain
and admitted politics is just spewing jism in public.
But do we listen? No, we just weep like teased vaginas.
(Austen) 'Midday and Agsby makes a break for it...
and is clearly seen in the grip of an aggressive seizure.
For Agsby's mainly female family-man supporters,
the time had clearly come
to wake up and smell some unpleasantly milky tea.
So why would Agsby blow it on a public debasement,
albeit a pleasurable one?
The moment he turned, I knew. He always does it.
I knew he was going to get his dick out.
He was always this way and it's a wonder to me
he hasn't done it before now.
One time he jerked off in my dog's face.
She was very, very upset.
(Austen) 'But in a sensational announcement,
Agsby claimed he'd not been pounding his parson.
I have for many years suffered secretly
from the painful effects of Prestor Didwick's congena,
a rare blood disorder which causes sudden involuntary erective pressure.
The senator explained he'd sneezed into his hand
just before speaking, then suffered a massive attack of congena.
I tried repeatedly to return the organ with my fist...
ah...with the effect that the nasal mucus...
ah...flew across the room...
(Audience gasps)
..and hit a few people, as you saw.
Ah...sorry...uh...
(Man) Is he going to do it again?
(Audience gasps)
(Senator) No cameras! No cameras!
With the sound of that hullabaloo
still ringing in its ears, I have a question -
would there have been all this fuss if Agsby had been a woman?
I somehow doubt it, don't you?
Austen Tassletine.
Now, part your belief curtains for a final word on the matter
from Peter Tatchell.
- So what's next? - So what's next?!
I mean, what's going to be the next issue
and will it before the next election?
I think undoubtedly, Outrage will make an intervention
at the next election.
Are you going to... (Croaked out)
I think we'll do what we can to put pressure
on various people in authority.
Yeah, b-b-but, man, you know... I mean, if that...
was on the agenda,
the frog wouldn't come out of the box, would he?
The frog certainly WOULD come out of the box.
(Croaked out)
If two cabinet ministers came out...
Howard... (Croaked out)
That would certainly make a very big impact.
(Sniggers) You say Labour...
two of them would come out too, wouldn't they?
They're following suit like, you know, kids playing snap.
The problem is everybody's too scared to do it by themselves.
You get six, seven, eight MPs all coming out at once,
none of them are picked on individually.
They'll all be able to have the mutual support and solidarity -
hopefully - of their colleagues.
Jack Straw, Robin Cook... Michael Howard -
would there be an argument for them coming out if they weren't gay?
An interesting proposition.
It's a bloody convincing argument.
Why not send... (Croaked out)... a tape of this programme
say... (Techno beat)... "Come on, mate,
"you're obviously... (Techno beat)...
"You're a big... (Croaked out)"
Yes.
So where does that leave us? Well, let's ask our audience.
How many of you have changed your minds?
And why was that?
Throughout tonight's programme,
we've also had a naked asexual man up a stick
watching some pornography.
Have you reached any conclusions?
Well, I hope that's been of some help.
Just a couple of items of whore news.
There's a large build up of whores in a digger on the A47.
And in Leicester, Joanna Lumley,
Anita Roddick and Helena Bonham Carter
are all whoring themselves all night
to raise a little money to buy coloured bricks for children.
Helena's speciality is a golden shower.
And watch out in Yarmouth for that giant whore,
it's terrifying everybody, including the police.
That's it. Good night.