1 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:18,396 (Distorted voices) 2 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:22,071 (Distorted laughter) 3 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:26,677 I am proud to be stupid. I am proud to be stupid. 4 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,952 Tonight on Brass Eye, are we in a state of irreversible decline? 5 00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:33,719 What's the reason, what can be done about it 6 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:38,072 and if there is a solution, who is going to put it into action? 7 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:40,998 Or is everything just great? 8 00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,429 (All laugh) 9 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,429 Welcome to the nerve centre of tonight's programme. 10 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:20,710 To paint a true picture of Britain, 11 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:23,991 we have surveillance cameras out with reporters. 12 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,157 Austen Tassletine - Austen, what are you doing? 13 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,715 I'm at a garage in the centre of Clapton in London 14 00:01:30,760 --> 00:01:34,514 which is raided every 35 minutes, day and night. 15 00:01:34,560 --> 00:01:38,439 So we hope that during the next half-hour we'll see some action. 16 00:01:38,480 --> 00:01:42,359 We certainly do. Now, we've just received these pictures 17 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,470 from a camera in a playground. 18 00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,956 They show an apparently innocent children's game 19 00:01:48,000 --> 00:01:50,560 which is in fact an exchange of drugs. 20 00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:55,037 And those two children are lucky not to have been killed to bits. 21 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:04,437 1996: what is the true state of Britain - 22 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,835 basking in rude health? 23 00:02:06,880 --> 00:02:08,950 Or sick to the guts, 24 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:13,551 its thermoralmometer now reading less than two morals per head 25 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:16,273 due to massive value haemorrhage? 26 00:02:16,320 --> 00:02:21,474 Some would say tish and fibsy but others wouldn't. 27 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:24,910 Due to repeat woundings from weapons like this. 28 00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,038 And this. 29 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:33,988 This is where pop happens and pop is always trouble. 30 00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:37,715 The new single by Blouse is a song of love to Myra Hindley 31 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,716 and it's caused more stink 32 00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,832 than a bomb in the toilets at a rock festival. 33 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,629 # When I saw your photo in the press 34 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:49,797 # I thought, "Is she blonde under her dress? " 35 00:02:49,840 --> 00:02:53,037 # I thought, "I hope they make her take off her dress" 36 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,755 # But they didn't, even though it would be much better... # 37 00:02:56,800 --> 00:03:01,351 Myra Hindley is a very complex woman and this song is about...her hair. 38 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,551 # I used to have your picture in the toilet 39 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,797 # I wanted you to see my naked body and oil it 40 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,877 # But my mother had to catch me and spoil it 41 00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:16,040 # And I don't think even you... could've given me more 42 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,877 # Murder... # 43 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:21,549 There isn't a single reference in the song to her brain, 44 00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:23,909 which I think had a slight problem. 45 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:27,111 # Every time I see your picture, Myra 46 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:30,311 # I have to phone my latest girlfriend and fire her 47 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,750 # And find a prostitute who looks like you and hire her 48 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,598 # Oh, me oh Myra... # 49 00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,234 I think if somebody's bought this record 50 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,748 just because of the fuss made about it, 51 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:43,597 they should throw it away 52 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,916 and then buy another copy because they like the song. 53 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:49,599 # Watch out, lady, I'm gonna have you later 54 00:03:49,640 --> 00:03:52,950 # Just cos I want her and I can get her and you can't 55 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,230 # So pogo on that you twat 56 00:03:55,280 --> 00:03:57,555 # Oh, oh # 57 00:04:00,960 --> 00:04:04,589 (Echoing) Traditionally we turn to the Bible for help 58 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:09,191 but now even that's been devalued by those who used to espouse it. 59 00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:13,518 Terry Waite, once special envoy to the Archbishop of Canterbury, 60 00:04:13,560 --> 00:04:17,314 has been paid two million pounds to write a fifth gospel 61 00:04:17,360 --> 00:04:19,351 to replace the existing four. 62 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,914 (Waite) 'Jesus didn't know he was Jesus 63 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,713 until he'd been chained to the radiator. 64 00:04:24,760 --> 00:04:27,513 Are we now utterly without guidance? 65 00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,553 How else do you explain the popularity of events like this? 66 00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,593 Next week, Peter Sutcliffe takes to the West End stage 67 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:39,269 to star in a musical of his own life. 68 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:43,836 On day release from Broadmoor, Sutcliffe has been rehearsing. 69 00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:46,952 # Sutcliffe, Sutcliffe! # 70 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:49,594 The role includes singing police chases... 71 00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:52,234 # Hee hee hee, you'll never get me in the slammer! # 72 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:55,670 ..but finishes with Sutcliffe atoning for his crimes. 73 00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,518 # And I really am so very truly sorry # 74 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:03,076 Co-star Marigold says he's a kind man with a sense of humour. 75 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:07,033 I mean, he's always... (Laughs) always jumping out at you, 76 00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:08,752 "Whoa!" like this. 77 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:11,314 So what will the audience make of it? 78 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,669 I think they'll go away thinking 79 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,359 maybe he's a really misunderstood man. 80 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:19,551 Maybe that 20 years ago he was taking the piss. 81 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,114 Not everyone sees the positive side. 82 00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:25,755 Peter Sutcliffe is allowed out under police escort 83 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:30,157 to perform a work about his own life in musical form. 84 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:32,919 The catch is he says, "I'm sorry." 85 00:05:32,960 --> 00:05:36,953 I don't care what he's saying. He's forfeited his rights to society 86 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:39,230 by doing so much damage to society. 87 00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:42,352 - His agent says... - Agent! What a game! 88 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:44,356 - I know. - An agent?! 89 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,312 - He's in jail for life! - The producer of the show. 90 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,032 There shouldn't be a show. 91 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,674 Should we revive our ailing culture 92 00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:53,870 or just put it out of its misery? 93 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:56,992 Or should we bring it back to life 94 00:05:57,040 --> 00:06:00,794 and then shoot it for letting us down so badly? 95 00:06:00,840 --> 00:06:03,479 You haven't got a clue, have you? 96 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:06,353 But you will do if you watch for 30 minutes. 97 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:20,553 If you want to let us know what you think of Britain's decline, 98 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,319 then please do make use of our phones. 99 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:27,433 Let's check that garage where there could be an incident now, 100 00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:31,393 Austen Tassletine is there. Austen - oi! Anything happened? 101 00:06:31,440 --> 00:06:34,477 No, nothing. There was a small incident with a pen 102 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,511 but nothing serious, no. 103 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:40,109 Exactly what do you mean by "a small incident with a pen"? 104 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,118 - We don't know for sure. - So why mention it? 105 00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,958 It was a small incident, that's all, with a pen. 106 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:48,911 Thanks, Austen. 107 00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,316 Now to shocking events that have actually happened 108 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,352 as we lift the whistle on drugs in the workplace 109 00:06:55,400 --> 00:06:59,279 and show how employees at Shaftesbury's Jams in Colchester 110 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:01,788 use illegal high drugs on a daily basis. 111 00:07:02,600 --> 00:07:06,593 (Woman) 'Shaftesbury's Jam has run at a profit since 1977. 112 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,871 Staff are encouraged to use cannabis, cocaine, 113 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:13,071 crack and heroin whenever they feel the need. 114 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,674 It's the weekly production meeting. 115 00:07:16,720 --> 00:07:20,315 A new product, loganberry jam, is behind schedule. 116 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:24,148 (Man) There is a delay. It's a twofold problem, really. 117 00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:27,875 I needed an indication from Marketing five weeks ago 118 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,434 about the jar shape we were going for. 119 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,836 If we'd had it then we'd only be a week behind but... 120 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,509 I've got a couple of points I'd like to make here... 121 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,279 Graham's lead times are way too long. 122 00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:44,711 They're not my lead times, they're given to me by the company. 123 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:48,275 The company has used drugs to improve its performance 124 00:07:48,320 --> 00:07:50,311 for the past 17 years. 125 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,432 (Man) That's holding us up. (2nd man) Exactly. 126 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:58,031 An hour later the drugs are speeding efficiency and decision-making. 127 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,958 Shirts are changed as old veins are damaged 128 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:03,753 and a small vomiting has taken place. 129 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,076 There's no conceivable way we can make a profit. 130 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,588 The only problem seems to be Matthew, 131 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:14,156 a new recruit from Spillers Dog Foods, who's inexperienced at crack. 132 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,236 He's beginning to suffer. 133 00:08:16,280 --> 00:08:20,637 (Woman)..75 per cent fruit content. (Man) We have a prestigious product 134 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:23,990 but I must agree with Matthew on this point - 135 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:28,591 because of financial restraints our hands are tied. 136 00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,995 What if the lids were berry-shaped? 137 00:08:31,040 --> 00:08:33,395 - (Man) OK... - Berry-shaped lids. 138 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,671 We'll start at 70 per cent and then over a two-year period 139 00:08:36,720 --> 00:08:40,110 - we'll decrease to 55 per cent. - (Hoarsely) 18 months. 140 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:44,517 (Woman) How can we do that? (Man) Restraints, I'm afraid. 141 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:47,358 (Hoarse mumbling) 142 00:08:47,400 --> 00:08:49,391 (Man) No, we'll start at 70 per cent 143 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:52,830 and over a two-year period, we'll reduce to 55 per cent. 144 00:08:54,280 --> 00:08:55,872 18 months. 145 00:08:55,920 --> 00:08:59,071 No, I think two years has got to be the period. 146 00:08:59,120 --> 00:09:01,839 18 months is too short a time. 147 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,156 Next business - apricots. 148 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,316 More jar trouble, Graham? 149 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:11,148 - (Sniffs) Uh, yeah. - I... 150 00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:15,034 Er, they're breaking. It's the temperature control. 151 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:19,312 The jam's coming out a couple of degrees hotter than normal. 152 00:09:19,360 --> 00:09:23,194 Er...we've got to work on the thermostat valves 153 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:26,710 - and it should be all right. - It's not the German...? 154 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,832 - (Grunts) - The machinery itself is fine. 155 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,713 In time, Matthew will learn his level. 156 00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,593 With company profits still rising, 157 00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,950 no one here will want to change the chemistry. 158 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:41,673 (Matthew howling outside) 159 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:54,398 Well, he married her! 160 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:58,035 Live now to that garage which should be raided any second. 161 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,913 Austen Tassletine, anything happened? 162 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,428 - 'Nothing. - No violence or stabbings? 163 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,199 - 'None at all, no. - What about those men? 164 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:10,074 - They're just buying some petrol. - Are you sure? 165 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:14,158 - Are you buying some petrol? - Yeah. 166 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:16,350 - Yes. - Thanks, Austen. 167 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:21,349 If that did turn into a shooting, then this is what it would look like. 168 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:37,748 Experts say that's what would happen. 169 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:39,711 - 'We hope so. - Oh, belt up! 170 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,558 I'm sitting opposite a man, he knows nothing. 171 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:52,071 The result is he's a trenchant buffoon who cannot present TV shows, 172 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:56,352 he looks ridiculous, he swans around hoping to be recognised 173 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,073 when no one's even remotely interested. 174 00:10:59,120 --> 00:11:03,796 He's taken up enough time already and hasn't even opened his mouth 175 00:11:03,840 --> 00:11:07,071 and for all I know he may be a cocoa-shunter too. 176 00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,873 - Darcus Howe. - What's a cocoa-shunter? 177 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:13,959 That's... Sorry, that's the introduction to Robert Elms. 178 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,919 Sorry, I've just read out the introduction to Robert Elms. 179 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:25,749 She just caught fire, it wasn't my fault. 180 00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,791 Back to our live cameras now. 181 00:11:27,840 --> 00:11:31,515 Austen Tassletine is at that garage we expect to be raided. 182 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:34,358 - Any incidents yet? - Still nothing, Chris, 183 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:38,871 apart from a young seagull that seems to have broken into the booth. 184 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,911 (Man) 'Fucking bird! 185 00:11:45,920 --> 00:11:51,119 In a few minutes: has even our sense of fair play been eroded? 186 00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:55,472 Nous exposons the growing fashion for torturing golf caddies. 187 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,717 (Man) There's what they call a "tee sandwich". 188 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,876 They ask, "Do you want tee? " 189 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,516 and that means just 20-25 golf tees, 190 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:09,269 a mixture of wood and plastic, in two big hunks of bread. 191 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,311 And you're forced to eat that. 192 00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:28,232 The broadcaster and entertainer Clive Anderson 193 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,670 has been shot dead by television host Noel Edmonds 194 00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:33,676 at his house in Cornwall. 195 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:37,030 Police were prevented from entering the grounds 196 00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:40,356 by machine-gun fire. Vivien Bansh reports. 197 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,960 The incident took place during dinner 198 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,037 when Mr Edmonds produced an automatic weapon 199 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,640 and began shooting indiscriminately. 200 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,514 One servant witnessed the bloodbath but escaped intact. 201 00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:55,438 I came round the grounds, round the back way, 202 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:57,357 and then got through the fence. 203 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:59,516 (Man) Why has Edmonds done this? 204 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,949 No idea. He's never done it before. 205 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,436 (Bansh) 'An hour later, Edmonds appeared at a window 206 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:09,314 with blood on his face and threw a head onto the ground. 207 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,432 It is not known what happened to the other guests 208 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:17,679 but Edmonds is now on his roof with an armoury of precision weapons. 209 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:21,395 Less than half an hour ago, he fired a rocket-launcher 210 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,908 at a wedding party over a mile away. 211 00:13:23,960 --> 00:13:25,791 The estate is now surrounded 212 00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,753 but police fear he may take to the air in a helicopter gunship 213 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,031 and spread his massacre over hundreds of miles. 214 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:38,074 The world of show business has reacted with sadness and horror. 215 00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,315 I just heard a rumour about it... 216 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:44,069 - I don't know what's happened. - Clive Anderson was shot. 217 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,680 - By who? Not... - Noel Edmonds, yeah. 218 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,119 What? No... 219 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:51,357 I'd say there's no excuse. None whatsoever. 220 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:54,153 And if Edmonds is still inside the house? 221 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:56,350 Well, just shoot him. 222 00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:59,551 People like me, we're supposed to be rascals, 223 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,434 but it's your Edmonds, your Thomas Hamiltons, 224 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:06,836 your Hungerford guy, all so-called nice people. 225 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,519 - They ought to shoot him now? - Yes. 226 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:14,680 And there'll be an update at 11:30 after our next scheduled programme. 227 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:35,390 Coming up: can our decline be blamed on God? 228 00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:39,274 This is the house of God. So where's the landlord? 229 00:14:39,320 --> 00:14:43,313 It's infested with rot, I doubt if he's paid a visit in 20 years. 230 00:14:43,360 --> 00:14:47,273 These people - they're just tenants in a dead man's shack! 231 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,154 That idiot pukes it out and they hoover it up like puppies. 232 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:54,158 Father, when did you last check your facts? 233 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,909 This book reads like the ramblings of a drugged horse. 234 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:02,033 The question: is God confused like his prating truth-pimps 235 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:04,071 or is He dead? 236 00:15:08,920 --> 00:15:11,195 The Catholic Church is in turmoil 237 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,038 after an apparition claiming to be Christ 238 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:17,709 drunkenly cursed pilgrims at a holy site in Yugoslavia. 239 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,719 (Translator) 'He called us "fucking idiots". 240 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,877 (Presenter) Cardinal Hume was badly shaken 241 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:29,198 and issued what could be a resignation statement, saying: 242 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:52,917 Welcome back. I was about to read out this drivel 243 00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,669 that you've been phoning in but we've been saved from that 244 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,156 because there has been an incident at that garage. 245 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,919 After the seagull, it got more dramatic. 246 00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,712 Austen, what's happened? 247 00:16:04,760 --> 00:16:07,558 Things have become completely exciting 248 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:11,639 because the ferocity of the seagull became very unpleasant 249 00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:16,071 and the man panicked and started shooting at it with lighter fuel. 250 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,351 That's when I thought, "No!" because that garage... 251 00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:23,757 And the burning bird landed by a man filling his car with petrol 252 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,712 and I found myself flying through a hedge. 253 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:30,833 The garage man produced an air pistol and started shooting at the bird 254 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:34,953 but instead he hit the man in the knee and the man, I think, 255 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,878 must have sprayed everything with petrol 256 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:41,151 because when the bird blew up the place went sky-high. 257 00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,988 I've never seen any... I'm not sure if this is a true disaster 258 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:48,715 or a cross between an unpleasant event and a stupid one. 259 00:16:48,760 --> 00:16:50,557 (Chris) Thank you. 260 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,912 This is the Frankie Fraser Madometer. 261 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:05,033 Right? So it's a "Low Miff" here and "Mad As A Lorry" up there 262 00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:08,675 and all the stages in-between. Some examples, right. 263 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:13,919 Somebody gives you a bit of verbal GBH of the ear hole. 264 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,589 - Is that...is that low? - That's low, yeah. 265 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:19,870 OK, so that might go there. 266 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:22,832 Some Herbert's touching up your bird. 267 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:26,714 - Wouldn't like that, no. - OK. Fondled by a nonce. 268 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:30,513 Oh, he'd suffer for that. 269 00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,869 OK, so that might be up here. 270 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:35,480 Being grassed up to the filth. 271 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:38,114 - That would have to go up here. - Right, OK. 272 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:40,799 I'm interested to see what happens now. 273 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:44,150 Reading about a pervert who interferes with kids. 274 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:47,749 If you had another one further along here... 275 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,155 - So that goes off the scale? - Yeah. 276 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,760 - Now... - Anything goes with them. 277 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,631 - Anything at all? - Anything. 278 00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:57,194 You're being grassed up to the filth. 279 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:01,358 How would you feel if you'd accidentally grassed yourself? 280 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,914 Well, that's me own fault, isn't it? 281 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,030 So that would make you less mad? 282 00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,595 If you grassed yourself, you'd have yourself to blame 283 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,838 - but how could you grass yourself? - You get drunk, give yourself away. 284 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:19,954 No way. You don't do that. It can't happen. We're too experienced. 285 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,037 - Were you ever not experienced? - No, never. 286 00:18:23,080 --> 00:18:26,470 - You were born experienced? - I think so, yeah. 287 00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:36,191 Whatever our state of decline, 288 00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:39,915 there's no denying the power of miracles to focus hope. 289 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:45,789 Moss Staples has been to Ireland where he done this. 290 00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:51,193 Ballakreen: rural, pastoral and peaceful. 291 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,993 The last notable event here was in 1792 292 00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,112 when the nationalist Patrick Duggon 293 00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:01,312 single-handedly besieged the British Army until it starved to death. 294 00:19:01,360 --> 00:19:05,194 But for that, Ballakreen wouldn't bother a single map. 295 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,038 Or a guidebook. There's only one entry - 296 00:19:08,080 --> 00:19:10,071 it's less than an inch long. 297 00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:13,317 But all that's changed now because of that one. 298 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:19,230 Patricia O'Dennell, the local girl who says she saw the statue of Mary 299 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,238 driving a car through a field. 300 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:25,431 (Staples) Patricia, what does the statue do? 301 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,757 It...it kisses me 302 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:34,874 and...tells me everything will be all right with Daddy. 303 00:19:38,440 --> 00:19:41,352 Two days later, Spike Durnaburny claimed 304 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:45,279 the statue had driven into his garage and asked for petrol. 305 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:49,518 I thought I heard her say very quietly "Fill 'er up." So I did. 306 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:54,877 She pulled a face. It went like this... 307 00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:02,551 Villagers started incorporating the face into their prayers. 308 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,079 Amen. 309 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:10,276 Many say they hear the sound of roaring engines 310 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:13,756 or see smoke from the grotto exhaust pipe. 311 00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:17,952 The driving statue has also brought pennies from heaven. 312 00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,231 If you look for a doubt here, you won't find one here. 313 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:25,717 The proof for me is they found a white plaster powder 314 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,593 and then after sending it off for testing 315 00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:33,316 the results came back and there's virgin DNA in the plaster. 316 00:20:33,360 --> 00:20:37,478 No one takes it more seriously than Patricia's mother. 317 00:20:37,520 --> 00:20:41,513 I suggested she might like to pray in the middle of the road 318 00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,757 and that if she were to be killed by a car, 319 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:48,679 then the chances of her going to heaven would be higher. 320 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,950 (Staples) When you're in the road 321 00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:53,468 do you think, "I want a car to hit me? " 322 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,272 Yes. 323 00:20:55,320 --> 00:20:58,710 Kneeling girls! Statues driving cars! 324 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,637 What's going on? 325 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:03,319 Ten years ago a man was arrested here 326 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,999 for driving statues around in a car. 327 00:21:06,040 --> 00:21:07,632 Was it him? 328 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:09,113 Not you, then? 329 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,357 He told us not. Could the priest explain it? 330 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:15,119 The car was driven on the right-hand side 331 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,152 which might indicate it's from the Holy Land. 332 00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:19,189 No! 333 00:21:19,240 --> 00:21:21,390 The most likely explanation is 334 00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:25,797 that people are just seeing some blue light bouncing off a strut 335 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:29,196 but try telling that to these bog-brained Murphys. 336 00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:32,869 You'd have more chance of getting a blow job from the Pope. 337 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:47,112 Just a moment to recap on the state of Britain. 338 00:21:47,160 --> 00:21:51,472 Your calls have been described as "rabid", "pig-ignorant" 339 00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,990 and "stultifyingly ill-informed." 340 00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,678 Thanks for those. 341 00:21:56,720 --> 00:22:01,316 Back to that exploded garage as there could still be an incident. 342 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:05,194 - Austen, will you stay there? - Yes, yes I will. 343 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,550 Good man. And we leave you tonight with a question. 344 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,909 As we approach the third millennium, 345 00:22:10,960 --> 00:22:12,951 have we really come to this? 346 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:18,996 (Man moaning) Ooh. Oh, yes! 347 00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:23,153 I'm afraid the answer is yes. 348 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,191 Good night.