1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,918 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:04,670 I am right in the middle of a nasty divorce. 3 00:00:04,713 --> 00:00:06,880 Oh, you can play hard to get all you like, Runkle. 4 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:09,341 But Sue Collini always gets the wienie. 5 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:13,137 - How's it going, Professor? - In a word? Awesome. 6 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,389 (Stacy) Look, Hank. I know you're not exactly 7 00:00:15,432 --> 00:00:18,475 what anyone would call an education professional. 8 00:00:18,518 --> 00:00:20,352 But my wife went out on a limb for you. 9 00:00:20,395 --> 00:00:22,354 (As Popeye) Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah! 10 00:00:22,397 --> 00:00:25,190 - What do you think of Jackie? - You're old enough to be her father. 11 00:00:25,233 --> 00:00:26,734 You find me irresistible. 12 00:00:26,776 --> 00:00:28,444 Has a woman ever punched you in the face? 13 00:00:28,486 --> 00:00:30,154 You know what? You should use me. 14 00:00:30,196 --> 00:00:31,238 - Really? - Mm-hm. 15 00:00:32,073 --> 00:00:33,907 - This is where you work? - You want to come inside? 16 00:00:33,950 --> 00:00:36,660 - Would that involve seeing you naked? - Oh, most definitely. 17 00:00:36,703 --> 00:00:39,329 I think not. In the interest of student-teacher relations. 18 00:00:39,372 --> 00:00:41,957 We're being all normal and responsible, and... 19 00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,501 What if, in the process, we... just kinda get over each other? 20 00:00:44,544 --> 00:00:46,545 What if... 21 00:00:46,588 --> 00:00:48,922 you tell me about our daughter? 22 00:00:48,965 --> 00:00:51,008 - Who are you texting? - Chelsea. 23 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,802 To tell her you're being a total dick right now. 24 00:00:55,263 --> 00:00:57,222 - (Glass shatters) - I fucking hate you! 25 00:00:57,265 --> 00:01:00,976 Yeah, and I fuckin' hate you too, you little shit. 26 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,319 (♪ Queens of the Stone Age: You Got A Killer Scene There, Man) 27 00:01:15,283 --> 00:01:18,368 ♪ Don't wanna love you no more 28 00:01:18,411 --> 00:01:20,537 ♪ Don't wanna love you less 29 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:25,876 ♪ I wanna be crushed by your sweet caress 30 00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,003 ♪ What's the fuckin' difference 31 00:01:28,046 --> 00:01:30,130 ♪ We all gonna die... ♪ 32 00:01:30,173 --> 00:01:33,050 Oh, no, no, no. You don't have to do that. 33 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,219 Not on my account. 34 00:01:35,261 --> 00:01:37,971 Oh. Well, you see, that is a prime example 35 00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:40,224 of what's wrong with the younger generation today. 36 00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:42,351 You leave nothing to the imagination. 37 00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:44,520 So you've got yourself some boobs. 38 00:01:47,065 --> 00:01:49,525 Some nice, big, round boobs. 39 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,986 Everybody's got 'em. 40 00:01:53,029 --> 00:01:55,030 You know, nothing to get excited about. 41 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,618 You know, just... 42 00:02:09,295 --> 00:02:13,423 (Felicia, echoing) Hank? Hank. 43 00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:16,802 Hank. 44 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,472 - Hank Moody. - Yes, Fräulein. 45 00:02:20,515 --> 00:02:24,017 - Do you have anything you'd care to add? - On the subject of? 46 00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,645 On the subject of the subject we were just discussing. 47 00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:29,940 Oh, that subject. Um, let me think. 48 00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:33,610 Not a thing. Nope. 49 00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:36,613 - No. There is something I would like to say. - Excellent. We're all ears. 50 00:02:36,656 --> 00:02:39,741 Do we think the ladies have gone too far with the sex-positive feminism? 51 00:02:39,784 --> 00:02:42,870 I mean, I know they all say they're down with the pornography 52 00:02:42,912 --> 00:02:45,747 and the shaved pudenda and whatnot, 53 00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:48,292 but do we really think this is the path to liberation? 54 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:50,502 Ezra Pound. What do you think? 55 00:02:51,254 --> 00:02:54,423 I'm not sure this is the proper forum for such a discussion, Hank. 56 00:02:54,465 --> 00:02:56,091 You asked me. I'm just thinking out loud. 57 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:57,676 - Spitball. - OK, everyone. 58 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,761 - That'll do. Thanks for coming. - Already? 59 00:02:59,804 --> 00:03:01,597 - My Lord. - Yeah, see you all tonight. 60 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:03,640 You too, Hank. Correct? 61 00:03:03,683 --> 00:03:06,268 - I'm sorry? - Tonight. My house. 62 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:09,104 English department fall mixer. Ring any bells? 63 00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:11,356 - Not a one. - Oh, it's just a little get-together 64 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,817 we have at the start of every school year. 65 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:17,613 Faculty, grad students, some wine, some cheese. 66 00:03:17,655 --> 00:03:19,948 Well, that sounds awesome and I'm stoked, 67 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:22,534 but alas, I've got plans with the soul-sucking vampire 68 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:25,162 I call my daughter tonight, so I gotta take a rain check. 69 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:28,540 Well, no, Chelsea's already asked if Becca can spend the night. 70 00:03:28,583 --> 00:03:32,169 But I think she'll change her plans when she hears what her old man's got on tap. 71 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:35,088 Besides, wine gives me a headache and cheese makes me fart, a lot. 72 00:03:35,131 --> 00:03:38,884 - You don't want me stinking up the place. - Now, what if I said... 73 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,845 your job depends on it, Hank? 74 00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,850 Are you sexually harassing me right now? 75 00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:50,854 Because if you are, I think I'm gonna have to report you. 76 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:53,857 For giving me a serious boner. 77 00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:56,693 Good to know. See you at seven. 78 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,200 No means no, you know. 79 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,662 This man is ruining my life. 80 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:50,831 By making it unbearably awesome. 81 00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:55,043 Sweetie, I'm not really sure I understand what the problem is. 82 00:04:55,086 --> 00:04:58,714 He's delusional. He thinks we're going to hang out and bond or something. 83 00:04:58,756 --> 00:05:01,091 OK, hand it over. 84 00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:02,676 Thank you. 85 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,886 You don't understand, woman. I have a plan. 86 00:05:04,929 --> 00:05:06,013 - You do? - Yes. 87 00:05:06,055 --> 00:05:09,266 If we never leave the house, nothing bad can ever happen. 88 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,601 Right, cos, like, your parents never fuck you up. 89 00:05:11,644 --> 00:05:14,479 No, you see, you were supposed to find that last remark charming. 90 00:05:14,522 --> 00:05:16,648 - (Phone chimes) - Hold... 91 00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:19,735 Hello? This thing on? 92 00:05:19,777 --> 00:05:22,612 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, I'm here, I just... - (Phone chimes) 93 00:05:22,655 --> 00:05:24,740 Um, my boss is trying to get through. 94 00:05:24,782 --> 00:05:27,409 I'm late for a dinner with him and some clients, so... 95 00:05:27,452 --> 00:05:29,202 Well, don't go. Just blow it off. 96 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,580 Please, will you take care of the Becca thing, please? 97 00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:34,916 - Yes. I will take care of it. - Bye. Bye. 98 00:05:34,959 --> 00:05:37,919 - Becca! - Yes, Father? 99 00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:40,839 Don your best frock. The wine and cheese awaits. 100 00:05:45,678 --> 00:05:47,929 You see that bathroom over yonder? 101 00:05:47,972 --> 00:05:53,518 Once, I took every crooked inch Jackie Gleason had to offer in that stall. 102 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:56,563 Signed Kristofferson right here in this booth. 103 00:05:56,647 --> 00:06:02,027 Yeah, time there was when I would get wet off a great sign. 104 00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:06,406 Oh, that's right. I'm talking dripping, fucking Ganges wet. 105 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,826 (Clears throat) Speaking of the good old days... 106 00:06:09,869 --> 00:06:12,120 - Hey, yeah. Sue Collini? - Over there, sir. 107 00:06:12,163 --> 00:06:15,165 Hey, Springfield. Get your toned tush over here. 108 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,958 Sorry I'm late. 109 00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:20,003 Some Tarzana housewife paid a grand to spend the day with me. 110 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:21,588 She wanted to make out, so I did her a solid 111 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:24,383 and I ate that butterscotch for, like, 45 minutes straight. 112 00:06:24,425 --> 00:06:26,218 - Mm-hm. - Right, Rick. 113 00:06:26,260 --> 00:06:29,137 This is my subordinate and prospective boytoy, 114 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,056 - Charles W Runkle. - Pleasure. 115 00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:33,517 Sue and I used to see each other, you know. Early '80s. 116 00:06:33,559 --> 00:06:37,187 Rick, in what universe is fucking like chinchillas 117 00:06:37,230 --> 00:06:41,149 and blowing coke up each other's asses "seeing each other"? 118 00:06:41,192 --> 00:06:45,737 I'm a big fan of your oeuvre, Rick. All of it. The music, the acting... 119 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,864 I'm flattered. Like I said on the phone, 120 00:06:47,907 --> 00:06:50,200 I mean, I'm not looking for representation. 121 00:06:50,243 --> 00:06:52,202 Oh, bullshit. 122 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:54,162 Housewives in Tarzana? 123 00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:57,457 Rick, don't tell me that you don't wanna rawdog the top shelf 124 00:06:57,500 --> 00:06:59,459 like you used to in your prime, huh? 125 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:02,587 All due respect, Sue, life isn't just about the pussy. 126 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,424 It's about finding your passion and never letting go, 127 00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:09,010 - and this man has done just that. - Quit licking his shaft. 128 00:07:09,053 --> 00:07:13,348 He's always been a prime cut of USDA beefcake, and he knows it. 129 00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:16,685 Sure, the ladies love him. September 7, 2002. 130 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:19,896 The best sex I ever had with my wife. 131 00:07:19,939 --> 00:07:22,274 Rick Springfield at the Universal Amphitheatre. 132 00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:25,026 Was like three solid hours of foreplay, dude. 133 00:07:25,069 --> 00:07:28,405 Everything she wanted to do with him in 1982 but didn't know how, 134 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,533 she did with me repeatedly, and I thank you, sir. 135 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:34,244 - Fat lot of good that does me. - OK, Runkle, get to the point. 136 00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,204 First, we get you some indie cred. 137 00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:39,499 Let's find you your Wrestler, like Mickey Rourke. 138 00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:43,211 Let's see you blow people away with your serious side, huh? 139 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:47,466 Get an Oscar nom for playing an addict, a cripple, a retard, whatever. 140 00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:51,219 Then you go into every office in town and you hit 'em with your passion project. 141 00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:53,096 That's how you get it done. 142 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,266 Harry Greenberg Agency actually has the mojo to make that happen? 143 00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,144 Fuck, no. You supply the mojo. 144 00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:01,688 We take care of everything else. 145 00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:04,858 Yeah, I like the sound of that. 146 00:08:04,901 --> 00:08:06,943 Church. 147 00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:10,822 You're scaring me, Sue. 148 00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:12,657 Does that mean you like that? 149 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:14,576 Oh... 150 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,828 (Growls) 151 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:23,043 Ahh. 152 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:36,223 Finally. God, what took you so long? What up, Hank? 153 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:38,683 Becca, this is your last chance to change your mind. 154 00:08:38,726 --> 00:08:41,770 - Just do me one favour. - Anything, my churlish love. 155 00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:45,273 - Try not to get too hammered. - Don't put Daddy in a corner. 156 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:48,568 (Jill) Hank. You don't wanna park there. 157 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,695 Dean hates it when you block the entrance. 158 00:08:50,738 --> 00:08:54,074 - Hm, big date tonight? - Is it that obvious? 159 00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,910 That dress could cure cancer! 160 00:08:56,953 --> 00:08:58,286 (Laughs) 161 00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,080 I think you should fuck him. 162 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:03,500 If he agreed to meet you at this sad assembly of two-bit intellectuals, 163 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,168 he clearly digs the shit out of you. 164 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:08,338 Wow, you have the ability to make a simple cocktail party 165 00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,674 into the worst thing that's ever happened to you. 166 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:12,842 - It's a gift, really. - There you are. 167 00:09:12,885 --> 00:09:16,137 - Did you two come together? - No. We just came in together. 168 00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:19,432 - Oh, I see. - And I get more bars outside. Excuse me. 169 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,644 Did you happen to see where Becca and Chelsea got off to? 170 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,813 They're fine. They went straight to Chelsea's room. 171 00:09:24,855 --> 00:09:25,981 - Oh. - Come in, come in. 172 00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,693 - I have so many people I want you to meet. - Oh? 173 00:09:33,072 --> 00:09:35,657 Come on, baby. Celebrate with me. 174 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,742 Don't baby me, jackass. No. 175 00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:39,744 Fuck no. I got a date. 176 00:09:39,787 --> 00:09:41,746 Well, drop the zero and get with the hero. 177 00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:44,833 - I signed a big fish today. - Oh, well, good for you. 178 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,835 Maybe you can move the fuck out now. 179 00:09:46,877 --> 00:09:50,088 Right. Well. Force of habit, I guess. 180 00:09:50,131 --> 00:09:55,176 Every time I sign a client, I just can't help but picture the two of us with a bottle of bubbly. 181 00:09:55,219 --> 00:09:56,845 Well, that was then, Charlie. 182 00:09:57,888 --> 00:10:00,348 And this is now. Got it. 183 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,183 OK, well... 184 00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,728 Have a nice date. 185 00:10:04,770 --> 00:10:07,105 Yeah, thanks. 186 00:10:14,655 --> 00:10:20,035 Runkle, you were on fire today. I mean, that was serious Swifty Lazar shit. 187 00:10:20,077 --> 00:10:23,997 I've never been so proud and so wet... 188 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,166 at the same time. 189 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,293 Come on. 190 00:10:34,425 --> 00:10:36,718 Thank you. 191 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:41,598 How many jobs do you have, lady? You got a paper route too? 192 00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,142 Fill this thing up. Scotch preferably. 193 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:47,437 I'm coming off a lengthy conversation with a man in a sweater vest. 194 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,731 Dean Koons keeps the good stuff locked in his office. 195 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:52,692 - Which would be where, exactly? - I can't tell you that. 196 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:56,988 People like you mess with the master's shit, people like me get blamed for it. 197 00:10:57,031 --> 00:11:00,367 - Class warrior, are we? - Just a girl saving for a rainy day. 198 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:03,787 You know, the truth is I'm a pretty shitty bartender. 199 00:11:03,829 --> 00:11:06,331 But I am a kick-ass stripper. 200 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:08,500 This bod is the true gift that God gave me. 201 00:11:08,584 --> 00:11:10,835 I agree, but I think you're selling yourself short. 202 00:11:10,878 --> 00:11:14,381 - What, I'm too smart to be a stripper? - Smart has nothing to do with it. 203 00:11:14,423 --> 00:11:16,341 I'm just thinking in practical terms. 204 00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,593 Down the road, job opportunities tend to dwindle 205 00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:21,388 for those in the more naked professions, if you understand what I'm saying. 206 00:11:21,430 --> 00:11:24,057 - Mm. - Two empty glasses, Jackie, thank you. 207 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,642 - Mm-hm. - I'm going to offer our 208 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,478 visiting scholar from Amherst some of my '82 Latour. 209 00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:31,064 - Ooh. - Hey. That's not cool, Dean Koons. 210 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,108 Segregating your guests into two classes, 211 00:11:33,150 --> 00:11:35,360 offering your good stuff only to a select few. 212 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,987 Well, when you get your Guggenheim, we can talk about that. 213 00:11:38,030 --> 00:11:40,240 - Oh. - In the meantime, you enjoy that glass 214 00:11:40,282 --> 00:11:42,784 - of very middling Cab. - Asshole. 215 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:47,706 (Growling) 216 00:11:47,748 --> 00:11:49,290 (Making explosion sounds) 217 00:11:49,333 --> 00:11:51,376 - There you are. - Oh. 218 00:11:51,419 --> 00:11:53,753 - I see you found the toys in the attic. - Uh. 219 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,464 What, are you running a museum here on the side or something? 220 00:11:56,507 --> 00:12:00,385 Oh, it's just his little hobby. Bores the shit out of me, actually. 221 00:12:00,428 --> 00:12:02,554 I'm quite relieved to catch you here alone. 222 00:12:02,638 --> 00:12:06,141 - You don't care about the snooping? - Oh, snoop all you want. 223 00:12:06,183 --> 00:12:08,893 My life's an open book. Sadly. 224 00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:11,730 Besides, Becca must have told you all about us by now. 225 00:12:11,772 --> 00:12:13,690 No, she's not much one for chatting. 226 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:16,693 Texting, yes. Twitting, tweetering, twatting, 227 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,445 staring sullenly at the old man. 228 00:12:18,487 --> 00:12:21,531 Oh, please. You fathers have it easy. 229 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:24,117 Most days, I can barely get a civil word out of Chelsea. 230 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:28,288 At least Becca still talks about you with some sort of twisted affection. 231 00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:31,332 Re-becca? My Becca? That doesn't sound like her. 232 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:34,002 No, it's true. We had an interesting discussion the other day 233 00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,379 about the more scatological elements in your work. 234 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,382 - And she knows a lot about Rabelais. - Yes, I taught her that shit. 235 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:43,386 I figured, when she told me all about how you got your start in New York 236 00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,430 - and how you met her mother. - No shit. 237 00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:47,515 Yeah. I mean, she seems a little confused 238 00:12:47,558 --> 00:12:50,393 about the issue of whether you two are still together or not. 239 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,687 (Sighs) Aren't we all? 240 00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,315 Oh, that's a shame. 241 00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,859 Gosh, I'd love to fix you up sometime. 242 00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,069 I appreciate that, but that's a fool's errand. 243 00:13:00,112 --> 00:13:03,281 - Oh, really? Why is that? - Well, it's my purgatory, really. 244 00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:06,409 Dinner, drinks, whatever. Never really all that interested, 245 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:09,704 but I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. 246 00:13:09,747 --> 00:13:13,208 Cos it's true. All women are, in one way or another. 247 00:13:13,250 --> 00:13:16,044 You know, there's always something about every damn one of you. 248 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:19,714 There's a smile, a curve, a secret. 249 00:13:19,757 --> 00:13:22,383 You ladies really are the most amazing creatures. 250 00:13:22,426 --> 00:13:24,594 My life's work. 251 00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,930 But then there's the morning after. 252 00:13:26,972 --> 00:13:30,141 The hangover, and the realisation that I'm not quite as available 253 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:31,893 as I thought I was the night before. 254 00:13:31,936 --> 00:13:33,937 And then she's gone, 255 00:13:33,979 --> 00:13:36,898 and I'm haunted by yet another road not taken. 256 00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:41,194 Wow. I'm impressed. 257 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,948 You actually dropped the act for a moment and said something real. 258 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,200 Yes, I do that sometimes. But you never know when it's coming. 259 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,869 You gotta stay on your toes. I'm like a boxer that bobs and weaves, 260 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:52,205 like Muhammad Ali or Joe Frazier or Sugar Ray Leonard. 261 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:54,833 Basically, I'm just listing boxers you might... 262 00:13:58,128 --> 00:14:00,588 Oops. 263 00:14:00,631 --> 00:14:02,757 I'm... 264 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,176 The party's downstairs, isn't it? 265 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,598 - Wow. - Ow. 266 00:14:10,641 --> 00:14:13,518 I think you might be selling yourself a little short. 267 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,479 With just the tiniest bit of effort, 268 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:19,774 you could've had someone much younger 269 00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,776 and much hotter. 270 00:14:21,819 --> 00:14:25,238 But better luck next time, Teach. 271 00:14:27,575 --> 00:14:29,659 (♪ Chamber music) 272 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:36,374 What's the matter with you? You look flushed. 273 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:38,501 Well, my virtue was just assailed. 274 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,754 In a not entirely unpleasant manner, but still. 275 00:14:41,797 --> 00:14:44,340 - Leaving so soon? - Yeah. 276 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:47,302 Girl can only take so much humiliation in one night. 277 00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:49,429 Oh, the gentleman caller never called, huh? 278 00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:51,890 No, he never called. And he never texted. 279 00:14:51,932 --> 00:14:53,808 And he made an actual plan to meet me here. 280 00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:56,477 And he seemed really into it on the first two dates. 281 00:14:56,520 --> 00:15:00,440 And then, he just never showed. What... Go ahead and explain that to me. 282 00:15:00,482 --> 00:15:04,152 Take a shot, you said you would explain it and, and... Why? 283 00:15:04,194 --> 00:15:06,112 It's, like, so hard to make a phone call? 284 00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,489 You seem to forget I'm not the man who stood you up. 285 00:15:10,576 --> 00:15:12,827 Ah, here's where he keeps the good stuff. 286 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:17,457 Me! We were talking about me here. 287 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:22,795 OK. I'm gonna say this once and one time only, so listen closely, OK? 288 00:15:22,838 --> 00:15:25,089 Fuck the fireman. 289 00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:28,217 If I recall, that was the same advice you gave me earlier in the evening. 290 00:15:28,260 --> 00:15:29,719 Totally different context. 291 00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,972 So that's it. Just fuck him. That's all you got. 292 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:36,351 I gotta be laid-back about this. I'm not even allowed to be pissed off. 293 00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,311 No, you get to be... you get to be pissed off. 294 00:15:38,354 --> 00:15:41,439 But, uh, you know, Maybe if you just relaxed for... 295 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:46,277 whoa... half a second, and stopped looking so hard for the appropriate life mate, 296 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:48,905 then you might wake up one morning next to one. 297 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,240 Right. Cos it's just that easy. 298 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,369 I didn't say it was easy. But you've got a serious gam up in the matter. 299 00:15:54,411 --> 00:15:57,622 Oh, yeah. How... how so? 300 00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,583 Cos you're scary smart and you're crazy beautiful. 301 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:04,087 You're also incredibly sexual. So there. 302 00:16:05,172 --> 00:16:08,424 What the fuck are you talking about? I'm a total nerd. 303 00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,385 True that, but you're a sexy nerd. 304 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:12,887 Some women, they just shut off that part of themselves 305 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,722 and expect Prince Charming to come along 306 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,850 and pry open their dusty old beavers with the jaws of life, or some shit. 307 00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,769 Not you. You're a good-timer. 308 00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,437 - (Laughs) - Yep. 309 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:25,316 Mm-hm. And... and you're just saying this, right? 310 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,569 Which... What... what do you mean? 311 00:16:28,612 --> 00:16:31,280 Well, you're saying all this incredibly weird 312 00:16:31,323 --> 00:16:33,700 but incredibly sweet stuff about me and... 313 00:16:33,742 --> 00:16:35,952 - Ah! - But that's what you do, right? 314 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:39,330 That's what you do in this situation, you're trying to make me feel better. 315 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:43,543 - Mm. Yeah. Which is bad, why? - It's not necessarily a bad thing. 316 00:16:43,585 --> 00:16:47,922 I just wonder if you mean anything that's coming out of your mouth. 317 00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,508 I don't just say shit. I mean, I do talk a lot of shit, 318 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,553 but I generally mean what I say and I say what I mean. 319 00:16:55,139 --> 00:16:58,683 Mm-hm. So you see me as a viable candidate? 320 00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:05,148 - Depends on what you're running for. - Dick! You know what I mean. 321 00:17:05,232 --> 00:17:10,528 Look, if... if my love life weren't as complicated as something that is... 322 00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,739 really complicated that I can't think of now, 323 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:15,074 I'd totally check your teeth and take you for a ride. 324 00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:17,243 God, I hate you! 325 00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:19,704 What? You're a strange bird. Why are you hating on me? 326 00:17:21,123 --> 00:17:23,374 Cos I really thought you were gonna kiss me then. 327 00:17:23,417 --> 00:17:26,753 Oh. That is weird. That is very weird. 328 00:17:26,795 --> 00:17:30,339 - Why? - Cos I was thinking the exact same thing. 329 00:17:30,382 --> 00:17:31,924 - Really? - Well, not exactly. 330 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:35,303 I was thinking about what it might be like to go down on you for the first time. 331 00:17:35,387 --> 00:17:38,765 - It's kind of the same thing, isn't it? - You're such an asshole. 332 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,393 ♪ Boys are boys and girls are joys 333 00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:45,229 ♪ To you and me they're more than toys 334 00:17:46,982 --> 00:17:48,649 ♪ Gonna find one, she won't be lonely 335 00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:50,777 ♪ She'll be mine, mine and mine only 336 00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:54,864 ♪ And when you will be all right 337 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,324 ♪ Wee-hoo ♪ 338 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,869 (Chelsea) Do you feel it yet? 339 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,122 (Becca) Nope. Is that normal? 340 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:04,665 (Chelsea) Totally. 341 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:07,335 Mushrooms take a while to hit. 342 00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:13,299 What's the craziest thing you've ever done? 343 00:18:13,342 --> 00:18:15,551 Sexually. 344 00:18:15,594 --> 00:18:17,804 Let's put it this way. 345 00:18:17,846 --> 00:18:22,433 My father would be thrilled by my lack of experience in the area. 346 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,728 What about blow jobs? 347 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,773 I touched one. 348 00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,817 Kind of freaked me out how hard it got. 349 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:33,694 - Hm. - You? 350 00:18:33,737 --> 00:18:36,364 A bunch of times. It's fun. 351 00:18:36,406 --> 00:18:39,367 Weren't you scared? 352 00:18:39,409 --> 00:18:44,288 Sure. At first. But then you realise how much power you have over guys, 353 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:46,749 and it's kind of exciting. 354 00:18:46,792 --> 00:18:49,001 I'm sure I'd do something wrong. 355 00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:51,212 It's not like you're gonna break it. 356 00:18:51,296 --> 00:18:53,923 I mean, as long as you're careful with your teeth 357 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,635 and remember to incorporate the balls, you can't fuck it up too bad. 358 00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,679 Ask any guy, he'll tell you. 359 00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:02,890 - OK. Good to know. - Don't worry. 360 00:19:02,933 --> 00:19:06,811 - We'll get you laid this year. - No rush. 361 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:11,232 Sometimes I think I'd be happy to stay a virgin forever. 362 00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:13,359 Seems like once you get laid... 363 00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:16,445 Your whole life basically turns to shit. 364 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,740 I've heard that one before. Come on, Becca. You're slipping. 365 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:24,120 I've done a lot of work to get you out of that gloomy fuckin' head of yours. 366 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,247 Think about it. 367 00:19:26,290 --> 00:19:29,500 If my mother and father hadn't been so quick to fuck each other, 368 00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:32,128 - I wouldn't be here right now. - Hm. 369 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:35,590 And if I wasn't here right now, I think they'd be a lot happier. 370 00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:38,259 Especially my father. 371 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:42,471 It's really shitty that he makes you feel that way, Becca. 372 00:19:42,514 --> 00:19:44,599 He doesn't. It's me. 373 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:48,728 (Laughs) 374 00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:50,813 I just see things. 375 00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:53,024 (Laughing hysterically) 376 00:19:54,234 --> 00:19:57,320 - Is this it? - Yep. 377 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:06,704 - Oh, wow. - I know, right? 378 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:08,414 - No, not that. - No? 379 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:10,833 No. I'm such a slut. 380 00:20:10,876 --> 00:20:13,669 In the best way possible. 381 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,214 You're not, like, gonna lose respect for me now, are you? 382 00:20:16,256 --> 00:20:18,216 - Eight per cent at the most. - (Giggles) 383 00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:20,760 - Hold on. Thought I heard somebody. - (Man singing) 384 00:20:20,802 --> 00:20:23,971 - Shit. No... Ah! - Shit. 385 00:20:24,014 --> 00:20:25,473 Go, go. 386 00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:29,185 (Stacy) ♪ Won't you treat me nice? 387 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:34,649 ♪ Hey, my peach, blow on my dice 388 00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:37,151 ♪ Gonna swing on my swing 389 00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:40,071 ♪ Ah! Don't you dare treat me nice 390 00:20:40,113 --> 00:20:42,907 ♪ Cos I'm a child for you 391 00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:47,203 ♪ Baby, I'm wild for you 392 00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,414 - ♪ And... ♪ - (Mobile plays disco tune) 393 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:57,255 - OK, you caught me. - Oh, Jesus! 394 00:20:57,297 --> 00:20:59,257 Watch that stuff. Here, let me take that. 395 00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:01,133 - Gimme that. - No, no! Will you stop it? 396 00:21:01,176 --> 00:21:03,386 - Moody, for Christ's sake. - You were gonna spill it. 397 00:21:03,428 --> 00:21:06,305 Please don't handle me. What are you doing in my private office? 398 00:21:06,348 --> 00:21:09,725 - Came in here to make a phone call. - That was... that was your cell phone? 399 00:21:09,768 --> 00:21:11,894 Yeah. I like me a '70s groove. 400 00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:14,855 What about that ditty you were singing when you came in here? 401 00:21:14,898 --> 00:21:18,734 - May I enquire about that? - That was an obscure classic. 402 00:21:18,777 --> 00:21:20,403 - Was it? Yeah. - Yes. 403 00:21:20,445 --> 00:21:23,239 Is it, uh, some ditty of your own invention, perhaps? 404 00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,908 No, it's right out of the great American songbook. 405 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,494 If you had a little more culture, you'd understand. 406 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:31,622 Something you would have sung a cappella with the Whiff 'N' Poofs? 407 00:21:31,665 --> 00:21:34,208 Gay Men's Health Choir, or something like that? 408 00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:37,461 - Hey, you two. Party's in there. - Ah. Yeah. 409 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,423 - You're not having any of my Lowland malt. - I wouldn't dream of it. 410 00:21:40,465 --> 00:21:42,675 But I would like some privacy to make a phone call. 411 00:21:42,718 --> 00:21:43,801 - No. - No? 412 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,511 - No. - What do you mean, no? 413 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:49,015 - That's not very polite. - Well, my house, my rules. 414 00:21:53,478 --> 00:21:55,646 What's gotten into him? 415 00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:58,357 - Is there another way in here? - Why do you want more privacy? 416 00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:00,234 - Well, I just... - Listen, Hank. 417 00:22:00,277 --> 00:22:03,237 About earlier, can we just forget what happened? 418 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,699 Oh, well, we needn't ever speak of it again. 419 00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:10,494 But one does not very easily forget the kiss of a beautiful woman. 420 00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:13,706 That's right. I said it. I meant it. And I'm here to represent it. 421 00:22:14,624 --> 00:22:18,002 I gotta run, cos that cheese is working on me. 422 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,005 (Lift bell) 423 00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:28,721 Ah. Mm. 424 00:22:28,764 --> 00:22:33,434 - (Chuckles) - Oh, hi. I was looking for Charlie. 425 00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:37,730 - He's gone home for the day. - Oh. You must be Sue. 426 00:22:37,773 --> 00:22:40,191 Yes. Sue Collini. 427 00:22:40,233 --> 00:22:42,234 Marcy, the ex. 428 00:22:42,277 --> 00:22:44,528 - Ah. - He's told me all about you. 429 00:22:44,571 --> 00:22:46,614 Oh. 430 00:22:48,450 --> 00:22:52,244 OK, well, if you just tell him that I was looking for him, 431 00:22:52,287 --> 00:22:55,122 - I was gonna give him this bottle of... - (Coughing) 432 00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:57,249 (Coughs) 433 00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,628 Smoker's cough. Love those More Menthols. 434 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,715 Charlie. 435 00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:07,385 - Charlie Runkle. - Yes. 436 00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:09,512 Are you inside that woman? 437 00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:12,306 - I can explain. - Oh, Jesus Christ. 438 00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:14,934 Marcy. Marcy, it... 439 00:23:14,976 --> 00:23:20,106 - Ahem. It was nice to meet you, Sue. - Marcy, Marcy, don't go. Marcy! 440 00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:21,941 Oh, God, OK. 441 00:23:21,983 --> 00:23:26,028 Let's just keep my ass closer to the ground, please. 442 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:27,780 - There you go. - OK. 443 00:23:27,864 --> 00:23:31,283 Remind me, never take your advice again. 444 00:23:31,326 --> 00:23:33,828 You're gonna thank me when you're living in the suburbs 445 00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:37,289 with that house with the attached garage of your dreams. 446 00:23:37,332 --> 00:23:40,751 - (Chuckles) - Would you like a smoke? 447 00:23:40,794 --> 00:23:44,713 No, I've broken quite enough rules for one night, thank you. 448 00:23:44,756 --> 00:23:48,551 Speaking of which, uh, probably wasn't cool of me 449 00:23:48,593 --> 00:23:52,012 to take advantage of you in your moment of weakness. 450 00:23:52,055 --> 00:23:57,184 No, it wasn't. But in fairness, uh, all of my moments are moments of weakness now. 451 00:23:57,227 --> 00:23:58,894 Hm! 452 00:23:58,937 --> 00:24:01,522 So, what's the matter with me anyway? 453 00:24:03,316 --> 00:24:06,402 Well, now that I've had an up close and personal view, 454 00:24:06,445 --> 00:24:09,196 I would have to say, nothing. 455 00:24:09,239 --> 00:24:11,574 - Oh, come on, that old chestnut? - Mm? 456 00:24:11,616 --> 00:24:15,161 It's not me, I just haven't found the right guy? 457 00:24:15,203 --> 00:24:16,829 - Oh, my God. - What? 458 00:24:16,872 --> 00:24:18,956 - Shit, he's here. - Him who? 459 00:24:18,999 --> 00:24:22,626 - The fire dude. - The balls on that guy, three hours late. 460 00:24:22,669 --> 00:24:25,504 Then again, you just had another dude inside you ten minutes ago. 461 00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:27,965 - Jill. - Hey, Ross. 462 00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:29,675 - Hey. - You made it. 463 00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:33,012 - Yeah, you must really hate me right now. - She does. 464 00:24:33,054 --> 00:24:37,308 Um, yeah. That... that's not a lie. I, um... 465 00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:39,685 (Clears throat) This is... 466 00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:43,063 Uh, this is Dr Henry Moody. I'm her thesis advisor. 467 00:24:43,106 --> 00:24:45,900 It's nice to meet you. I was beginning to think Jill made you up, 468 00:24:45,942 --> 00:24:48,027 that you were a figment of her imagination. 469 00:24:48,069 --> 00:24:52,615 Well, I'm hoping you'll give me a chance to explain, you know, unless I'm too late. 470 00:24:52,657 --> 00:24:54,700 Maybe I've... maybe I missed my chance. 471 00:24:54,743 --> 00:24:58,162 Well, normally she's a real stickler for verities and balderdash, 472 00:24:58,205 --> 00:25:01,248 but if you were out saving lives, I think an exception can be made 473 00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:03,918 for a real-life fire dude, don't you think? 474 00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,712 What were you just saying, you want another fucking drink? 475 00:25:06,755 --> 00:25:08,255 - Yes. - Just now. You were, right? 476 00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:11,675 - I was. I... I need another fucking drink. - Yeah. 477 00:25:11,718 --> 00:25:16,055 And spring for the good stuff. Top shelf. Don't be cheap. 478 00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:18,432 - See you in class, Professor. - Mm-hm. 479 00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,394 - (Giggling) - (Becca) There's my dad. 480 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:24,688 Hey. What have you two been up to? 481 00:25:24,731 --> 00:25:27,024 Late-night swim, midnight tennis match? 482 00:25:27,067 --> 00:25:30,694 We, um, just walked down to campus to get some pizza. 483 00:25:30,737 --> 00:25:33,989 - Pizza? - Yes, pizza. 484 00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:38,536 - Hm. Come closer. - Why? 485 00:25:38,578 --> 00:25:41,497 I want to smell you. 486 00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:44,291 (Sniffing) 487 00:25:46,586 --> 00:25:49,046 You smell like pizza. 488 00:25:49,089 --> 00:25:51,882 Be careful, don't get too close. 489 00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:53,926 I feel a burp coming on. 490 00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:56,428 - You wouldn't. - I would. 491 00:25:56,471 --> 00:25:59,890 And remember, sometimes burps smell worse than farts. 492 00:25:59,933 --> 00:26:02,434 - Is that a threat? - You guys are so gross. 493 00:26:02,477 --> 00:26:06,105 What, there's no bodily functions at the deanery? Just catered affairs? 494 00:26:08,358 --> 00:26:11,860 Hey, Dad, don't pick me up till noon tomorrow, OK? 495 00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:15,823 - OK, sweetie. - (Giggling) 496 00:26:19,286 --> 00:26:21,620 Very cheerful. Very cheerful. 497 00:26:22,372 --> 00:26:24,498 ♪ Shadows are falling... ♪ 498 00:26:25,292 --> 00:26:28,502 One night, Felix. That's it. All right? 499 00:26:28,545 --> 00:26:31,630 Understood. I just... I can't go back there tonight. 500 00:26:31,673 --> 00:26:34,508 I can't face her. Not after this humiliation. 501 00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:38,554 Remind me again how this humiliation is different from all the others. 502 00:26:38,597 --> 00:26:40,931 I'm gonna need some eggs Benedict tomorrow, blue man. 503 00:26:40,974 --> 00:26:45,477 That I can do. What I cannot do is resist the allure of a powerful woman. 504 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:49,106 So we're 100 per cent sure she's 100 per cent woman, right? 505 00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:52,568 The balls of steel thing is just metaphorical? 506 00:26:53,862 --> 00:26:55,821 You know what did the trick, Hank? 507 00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:58,282 What sent me over the edge after weeks of resisting? 508 00:26:58,325 --> 00:27:01,201 One tiny little compliment about my agenting. 509 00:27:01,244 --> 00:27:03,996 That's it. That's all it takes to make a man come across. 510 00:27:04,039 --> 00:27:06,373 We are not complicated creatures. 511 00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:10,794 Don't be so hard on yourself. You were sexually harassed tonight. 512 00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:14,465 As was I. No man can withstand that kind of pressure. 513 00:27:15,634 --> 00:27:18,719 Yeah, but do you know where I'd be If I'd been just a tiny bit stronger? 514 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:20,846 Back in the promised land. 515 00:27:20,889 --> 00:27:23,891 The whole package, man. My own house, my own bed, 516 00:27:24,434 --> 00:27:26,935 my own wife. 517 00:27:27,020 --> 00:27:29,813 Next year, my Hebrew friend. 518 00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,524 Next year in Jerusalem. 519 00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:35,903 ♪ It's not dark yet 520 00:27:35,945 --> 00:27:37,404 ♪ But it's getting there ♪