1 00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:03,168 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:03,211 --> 00:00:04,420 I'm sorry, Marcy. 3 00:00:04,462 --> 00:00:06,880 I wanna get a divorce. I'm gonna be with Daisy. 4 00:00:06,923 --> 00:00:11,135 - Maybe we should take a break. - Take a break? I just left my wife for you! 5 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,929 - I didn't ask you to, Charlie! - I know! 6 00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:16,724 - I got a job. It's in New York. - Even better. 7 00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:18,434 - You're not invited. - That is fucked up. 8 00:00:18,476 --> 00:00:21,437 I will do whatever it takes to make you happy again. 9 00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:27,276 I can't teach you how to write. The only thing I can do is write about 10 00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:29,278 the shit that excites me, the shit that gets me hard. 11 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,114 - What do you think of Jackie? - You think she's hot, don't you? 12 00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:35,200 I haven't thought about it. But now that I have, yeah, she's smoking. 13 00:00:35,243 --> 00:00:36,994 This is not a good idea. 14 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,328 You're my student. 15 00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,497 This is so not fair. 16 00:00:47,964 --> 00:00:52,843 (PA) Flight 2570, New York, JFK, now boarding all rows. 17 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,928 OK, well, there you go, young lady. 18 00:00:54,971 --> 00:00:57,389 Off into the wild blue yonder. 19 00:00:57,432 --> 00:01:01,268 Great. Maybe I'll get lucky and my plane will explode in mid-air. 20 00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,854 I don't get it, Becks. 21 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:07,024 What could possibly be so awful about visiting the woman 22 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,027 who pushed you through her magnificent vagina? 23 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,363 In New York. In the fall, no less. 24 00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:16,283 You're gonna be stepping off that plane into a Woody Allen film. 25 00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:19,119 And not recent Woody Allen, old Woody Allen. 26 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,871 Annie Hall, Manhattan Woody Allen. 27 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:23,457 I'm pretty jealous right now. 28 00:01:24,125 --> 00:01:27,878 - Chelsea has Lakers tickets. - So what? You hate basketball. 29 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:31,340 You're missing the point. It's a killer scene. 30 00:01:31,382 --> 00:01:35,552 (Sighs) I know you're in there somewhere, baby girl. 31 00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:38,097 My sweet little partner in crime. 32 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:42,351 And you're having a good laugh about this, even if it's only on the inside. 33 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,355 All right, well, have a nice trip. 34 00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:48,440 Kiss Mama Bear for me. 35 00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:50,067 I love you. 36 00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:55,864 - Stay. - Stay. 37 00:01:55,907 --> 00:01:59,076 Stay. Stay. 38 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:02,579 Come on, turn around, just once. Then I'll know you still love me. 39 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:04,456 Please, God, send me a sign from on high. 40 00:02:04,499 --> 00:02:06,834 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 41 00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,379 Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. 42 00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:13,882 (Clicks tongue) 43 00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:01,889 - All right, well, she's up, up and away. - (Karen) I'm so excited. 44 00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:04,349 I can't wait to squeeze that little peanut. 45 00:03:04,392 --> 00:03:07,477 I wouldn't get too excited. She hasn't been very pleasant lately. 46 00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:12,024 - Kind of a little shit, actually. - Hey, come on. Don't poison the well. 47 00:03:12,066 --> 00:03:14,818 I know we're gonna have a great time, she and I. I can feel it. 48 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,279 Okus-dokus. I'm just warning you, 49 00:03:17,322 --> 00:03:20,699 something post-pubescent and wicked your way comes. 50 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:23,076 - I wish you could come with. - Yeah, me too. 51 00:03:23,119 --> 00:03:25,204 I'm not looking forward to this weekend much. 52 00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:26,872 Come on, Hank. He's your best friend. 53 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:28,582 Yeah, once upon a time, in Long Island. 54 00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:31,251 He calls me up out of the blue. Haven't talked to him in years. 55 00:03:31,294 --> 00:03:35,005 - He's got something important to talk about. - Whatever. Just have fun, you know? 56 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,841 All right, um... Call me when she lands. Give her a kiss for me. 57 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,676 Give yourself a kiss for me too. (Kisses) 58 00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,387 - Talk to you later. - Bye. Bye. 59 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:48,143 Moody! You handsome motherfucker. I just have to have me a piece of that ass. 60 00:03:48,186 --> 00:03:51,396 - Fuckin'... (Laughing) - Wait, I'm not through. 61 00:03:51,439 --> 00:03:53,941 - Zloz, shit. - What's up, buddy? 62 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:56,485 Where'd that plane come from, 1987? 63 00:03:56,527 --> 00:03:58,820 You look exactly the same. And that smell. 64 00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:01,657 What is that, booze, cigarettes, and Drakkar Noir? 65 00:04:01,699 --> 00:04:04,493 - Takes me right back. - Yeah, well, what about you? Look at you. 66 00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:06,578 You look like half a fag in this smoking jacket. 67 00:04:06,621 --> 00:04:10,207 You smell pretty much the same... like a cock dipped in shit. 68 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,377 Aww. It's good to see you, man. 69 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:16,505 - Yeah, it's been a long time. - Yeah, well, whose fault is that? 70 00:04:16,547 --> 00:04:18,423 Who never comes back to the island? 71 00:04:18,466 --> 00:04:20,884 Fuckin' fancy book writer Hank Moody, that's who. 72 00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,720 Well, you know, they won't let me back. 73 00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:26,056 I divulged too many small-town secrets. 74 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,934 - Named too many names. - Ah, right. 75 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:31,603 Well, here I finally am, man, in LA. 76 00:04:31,646 --> 00:04:34,398 - L fuckin' A. - Yeah, well, what's up? 77 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,525 You sounded pretty mysterious on the phone. 78 00:04:36,567 --> 00:04:39,361 Later for that, man. There's plenty of time to shoot the shit. 79 00:04:39,404 --> 00:04:41,488 First, I want to see Britney's vertical smile. 80 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:45,075 Ooh. I don't know if she's showing this week. I'll have to check the schedule. 81 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,327 All right, then, I want to act like a millionaire 82 00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:51,164 and get properly faced with my best buddy in the whole world, Hank Moody. 83 00:04:51,207 --> 00:04:52,708 - All right. - What do you say? 84 00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:56,128 I say we do it. Let's shoot the moon. If we only get halfway there, so be it. 85 00:04:56,170 --> 00:04:57,629 It's better than working for the man. 86 00:04:57,672 --> 00:04:59,631 Or dying five miles from where you were born. 87 00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:00,799 (Both) Mr Amato. 88 00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:03,468 11 th-grade English. Words to live by. 89 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:06,513 You know, come on, let's get fuckin' ossified. 90 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:11,810 How many kids now? 91 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:15,022 Three, which is... 92 00:05:15,064 --> 00:05:17,607 three too fuckin' many. 93 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,484 Hey, look, I made you come with one finger. 94 00:05:19,527 --> 00:05:21,486 You imagine what I could do with the rest. 95 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:23,864 Jesus Christ, Zloz, that old chestnut? 96 00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:25,782 Stand down, charm school. 97 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,493 I apologise for my friend. He's sick in the head. 98 00:05:28,536 --> 00:05:31,788 Just two days out of the asylum. He's doing OK, having said that. 99 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:35,250 We'd like another round, my lady, if you don't mind. Thank you. 100 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,919 - What the fuck is wrong with you? - What? What? 101 00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:41,256 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 102 00:05:41,299 --> 00:05:44,134 There's smokin' hot bitches everywhere you look, you know? 103 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,470 - What's the move here? - The move? 104 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:48,889 They all seem like a bunch of stuck-up cunts. 105 00:05:48,931 --> 00:05:52,225 That's the move. That's the line. Try that one out. See where it gets you. 106 00:05:52,268 --> 00:05:54,728 - You still pulling a ton of ass? - I do all right. 107 00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,272 Yeah? I got my dick wet first. Remember that shit. 108 00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:59,566 - (Woman) You guys ready to settle up? - Yeah. 109 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:02,986 - No, fuck you. - No, let me. Whoa, let me. 110 00:06:03,946 --> 00:06:05,530 (Bartender) Hm. 111 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,410 (Giggles) 112 00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:12,746 - Look at you. - Look at me. 113 00:06:12,789 --> 00:06:16,541 I'm, you know... I feel a little underdressed in this joint. 114 00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,877 That's because you are underdressed. 115 00:06:18,920 --> 00:06:21,004 You look like a fuckin' landscaper. 116 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:23,507 I am a fuckin' landscaper. 117 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,385 - I own my own business now, thank you. - Terrific. Good for you. 118 00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:28,929 Not quite as nice as getting paid to make shit up. 119 00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:31,515 - That is much harder than it looks. - Right. 120 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:37,062 Oh, man. I'd love to have her sit on my face before I die. 121 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,856 Like you'd ever cheat on Kim. How is she? 122 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:43,485 - That's what I meant to tell you, man. - What? 123 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,487 - We're through. - What? 124 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,697 We called it quits, man. It's over. 125 00:06:47,740 --> 00:06:51,451 - What happened? - Got in a fight. 126 00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:54,329 Words were spoken. Household appliances were thrown. 127 00:06:54,372 --> 00:06:56,373 I got in a cab, 128 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,708 hopped on a plane for LA. 129 00:06:58,751 --> 00:07:01,920 You don't mind if I crash on your couch for a couple of weeks, do you? 130 00:07:01,963 --> 00:07:04,798 Yeah, I mind. I'm trying to raise a daughter, numbnuts. 131 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:07,175 Oh, Becca. How's she doing? What is she now, 15, 16? 132 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,761 You're not gonna do any better than Kim. She's beautiful. 133 00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,764 I used to jerk off to that girl every night in high school, almost. 134 00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:14,724 You were my hero when you nailed her. 135 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,476 Yeah, well, how does the saying go? 136 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:19,104 For every beautiful woman, there's a guy who's bored of fucking her. 137 00:07:19,147 --> 00:07:21,106 Let's get out of here. Where's the party? 138 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:24,025 - What party? - Party, there's a party out there somewhere. 139 00:07:24,068 --> 00:07:27,988 And there's a blonde with big tits waiting for me to bang her stupid, all right? 140 00:07:28,030 --> 00:07:32,284 Call your agent. Call your agent. Isn't that what he gets paid to do, shit like that? 141 00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:33,702 You don't know my agent. 142 00:07:33,744 --> 00:07:35,662 (Charlie) Great, so we'll see you there. 143 00:07:35,705 --> 00:07:38,457 OK, looking forward to it. Any friend of yours. 144 00:07:38,499 --> 00:07:40,667 Oh, I'll see what I can do about the blonde. 145 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:43,712 With big tits, right? I'll make a note of that. 146 00:07:43,754 --> 00:07:45,839 See you, Hank. 147 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:48,800 (Humming) 148 00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:51,428 Hey, you. 149 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,639 Hey there, porn star. 150 00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:56,057 - Hi. - Hey. 151 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,768 Ay! Yo! Wow! 152 00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:02,647 - Your boobs, they're really... big. - I know, right? 153 00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:04,983 So that's what my last ten grand looks like, huh? 154 00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,027 Yep. You can touch them, if you like. 155 00:08:07,069 --> 00:08:10,071 - Really? - Well, sure. You paid for 'em. 156 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:12,824 Feel me up, citizen. 157 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:20,832 Oh. I knew you'd be back, you know, sooner or later. 158 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,459 (Makes beeping noise) 159 00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,711 - Oh, yeah? You did? - Sure, I said so, didn't I? 160 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:28,006 - This one's heavier. - Yeah, you did. 161 00:08:28,090 --> 00:08:30,175 Yeah, when I broke up with you. 162 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,969 You were all, "You'll be back. 163 00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:34,804 "They all come back sooner or later." 164 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:36,973 Exactly. The thing is, though, Daisy, 165 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:40,519 see, as much as I look back fondly on our little afternoon in the sun... 166 00:08:40,561 --> 00:08:42,979 (Inhales sharply) ...I don't think I can go back there. 167 00:08:43,022 --> 00:08:45,106 I'm trying to mend fences with the missus. 168 00:08:45,149 --> 00:08:48,902 Aww. You two are great together. Good luck with that. 169 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:51,821 - Well, thank you. - OK. 170 00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:55,075 I have something I need to tell you. 171 00:08:55,117 --> 00:08:57,202 I'm all ears. 172 00:08:59,580 --> 00:09:01,706 Eyes, Charlie. 173 00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:05,710 OK. I've been making the rounds, informing my partners 174 00:09:05,753 --> 00:09:08,213 of the various STDs I've contracted. 175 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:12,801 Nothing crazy, mind you. Nothing life-threatening or anything like that. 176 00:09:12,843 --> 00:09:14,803 But you might want to get to a doctor 177 00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:17,556 and have him whip up some kind of cocktail. 178 00:09:17,598 --> 00:09:19,182 Help fight it off. 179 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:23,520 Cos let me tell you, this is some really pernicious shit. 180 00:09:23,563 --> 00:09:26,648 My vagina looks like downtown Baghdad right now. 181 00:09:28,442 --> 00:09:30,485 - Charlie, are you OK? - Yeah, I think so. 182 00:09:30,528 --> 00:09:33,321 I'm just... I'm a little dizzy. And... and clammy too. 183 00:09:33,364 --> 00:09:35,532 Do I feel clammy to you? Is that how it starts? 184 00:09:39,495 --> 00:09:42,998 Hey, this is some serious Scarface shit here. 185 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:46,501 - Runkles! - Hey, it's the boys. 186 00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,503 Runkles. 187 00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,714 This here is the almighty Zloz, 188 00:09:50,756 --> 00:09:52,674 my oldest friend from the island of long. 189 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:55,677 - Mr Almighty, pleasure to meet you. - You too. Mike Zlozowski. 190 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,305 - Very nice to meet you guys. - You've known him a long time. 191 00:09:58,347 --> 00:10:00,390 Let me ask you, was he always such a prick? 192 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,183 Always! He's always been a ball-buster. 193 00:10:02,226 --> 00:10:05,812 I spent half my life making sure this guy didn't get his fuckin' teeth kicked in. 194 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:08,898 - That's true. He's my bodyguard. - Oh! Welcome, boys. 195 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:10,400 - Hey. - And girl. 196 00:10:11,193 --> 00:10:14,279 So! You must be Runkle. 197 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:17,616 - In fact, I am. - Ah, I see what you mean. 198 00:10:17,658 --> 00:10:20,744 - Great head for helming. - Mm, yeah. 199 00:10:20,786 --> 00:10:23,538 Oh, this is my husband, Ricardo Collini. 200 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:27,792 - Call me Dickie. - Have fun, cap'n. You too. 201 00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:31,630 Ho! Whoa. Hold on a minute there. You're married? 202 00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:34,466 Yeah, 25 years and countin'. 203 00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:37,260 - I had no idea. - Well, you never asked. 204 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:40,013 I feel very strange about this. 205 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:43,350 Runkle, don't worry. Dickie and I have a very... 206 00:10:43,392 --> 00:10:45,268 a very open relationship. 207 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:48,313 But, as you can see, he has some limitations. 208 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:52,525 He is, however, a master of the oral arts. 209 00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:54,986 You ought to try him sometime, honey. 210 00:10:56,906 --> 00:10:58,448 There's no place like home. 211 00:10:58,491 --> 00:11:01,076 There's no place like home. There's no place like home. 212 00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:03,161 Is your father a lumberjack? 213 00:11:03,204 --> 00:11:04,954 Because every time I look at you, 214 00:11:04,997 --> 00:11:08,124 - I get serious wood in my pants. - Ugh. 215 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,713 Come on, what... What, do you think you're better than me? 216 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:17,133 - Come on. - Nice one, Shecky Greene. 217 00:11:18,761 --> 00:11:21,471 To the City of Angels and its stuck-up snatch. 218 00:11:21,555 --> 00:11:25,725 Can't we do better than that? Let's drink to Levittown, from whence we came. 219 00:11:27,603 --> 00:11:30,772 I don't know, Moody. I think I could get used to this, you know. 220 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:32,399 I got a few screenplay ideas. 221 00:11:32,441 --> 00:11:35,360 What's... what's stopping me from taking this town by storm? 222 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,654 Me. Just me. I won't let you. 223 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,739 Oh, yeah? You gonna get in my way? 224 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:41,908 You gonna keep it all for yourself? 225 00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:44,661 That? That out there? That's a fuckin' mirage. 226 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,579 That doesn't exist, behind me. 227 00:11:46,622 --> 00:11:49,791 You got everything you could ever want or need back home. Trust me. 228 00:11:49,834 --> 00:11:53,211 What the fuck do you know about back home? You got out years ago. 229 00:11:53,254 --> 00:11:57,006 Now, it's easy for you to spout some working-class hero 230 00:11:57,049 --> 00:11:59,718 Springsteen bullshit about the sanctity of small towns 231 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,095 when driving a Porsche through the promised land. 232 00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,848 - You got it all wrong, man. - I got it all wrong? Listen. 233 00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,850 You see that... you see that girl over there? 234 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:08,893 - Yes. - I'm gonna go talk to her. 235 00:12:08,936 --> 00:12:12,355 Maybe she's warm for my form, maybe not, but... 236 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,316 You know, I'm no Marky Mark, but I'm going down swinging tonight. 237 00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:16,651 - All right. - Wish me luck. 238 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:17,736 Good luck. 239 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:19,738 (Whispers) Fuck. 240 00:12:21,615 --> 00:12:24,993 What are you doing? Oh, wow, this is... 241 00:12:25,035 --> 00:12:26,327 - Yeah! - Ooh. 242 00:12:26,370 --> 00:12:28,913 Look... All this erotica, got me all... 243 00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:30,582 - Grande. - Yeah. 244 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,333 I'm all sexed up and shit. 245 00:12:32,376 --> 00:12:35,587 And you know how I am. The more I gets, the more I wants. 246 00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,881 Yeah, but not tonight, maybe. 247 00:12:37,923 --> 00:12:40,008 You know, maybe... we just take a break. 248 00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:43,011 What? Why don't you want to fuck me? 249 00:12:43,053 --> 00:12:45,805 Cos this is my boss's house. That's why. 250 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:49,392 Yeah, baby, and your boss is a stone freak. 251 00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:53,271 I think she would very much approve of a quickie happening right under her own roof. 252 00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,398 - (Machinery whirring) - Shoosh! 253 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:59,027 Well, really, I'm sore still. I mean, chafed, really. 254 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,613 OK, what the fuck is going on? 255 00:13:01,655 --> 00:13:04,991 Nothing, I'm just... I'm, you know, I guess a little, uh, uh... 256 00:13:05,034 --> 00:13:08,119 overwhelmed by the whiplash nature of our relationship... 257 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:10,789 Bullshit! You fucked someone else, didn't you? 258 00:13:10,831 --> 00:13:12,791 No! No, never. 259 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:15,084 I am done with that behaviour. 260 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,171 Something's going on with you. 261 00:13:18,214 --> 00:13:20,590 (Sighs) 262 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,343 Daisy... came to see me. 263 00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,553 Oh! I knew it! 264 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:28,932 I fucking knew it. A woman knows that shit. 265 00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:31,351 So, what, you want to get back together with her now? 266 00:13:31,435 --> 00:13:33,353 You gonna have skanky little porno babies? 267 00:13:33,395 --> 00:13:35,939 Why don't you make up your fucking mind already, Runkle? 268 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:37,106 No! 269 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,317 No, I told her I want to be with you. 270 00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:42,362 Only you... my one true love. 271 00:13:42,404 --> 00:13:44,489 Really? 272 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,034 What'd she say, that little tramp? 273 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:50,620 Well, actually... and this is interesting... 274 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:53,581 (Clears throat) She said that she had contracted a few STDs. 275 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:57,168 Nothing crazy, mind you. Nothing a bolus of antibiotics wouldn't cure. 276 00:13:57,211 --> 00:14:00,338 - Just... knock it out. - Oh, God. 277 00:14:00,381 --> 00:14:03,007 No, I seriously think I'm gonna throw up right now. 278 00:14:03,050 --> 00:14:05,760 That is exactly what I said! Right? 279 00:14:05,803 --> 00:14:09,097 Or, well, I don't know. Maybe I said, uh, I was dizzy. 280 00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:11,057 But it's the same difference, really. 281 00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:14,185 Ow! Fuck! Fuck. 282 00:14:14,228 --> 00:14:17,355 I'm taking your little fucking girl car, Charlie. 283 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:21,484 And don't you dare bother coming home tonight! 284 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:23,486 Fucking hell. 285 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:28,032 Dude! She's got a cock! 286 00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:31,494 Really? Sure it wasn't just an oversized clit? 287 00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,538 I know a cock when I touch one. 288 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,457 I... I... I was... We were messing around, OK, in the hot tub. 289 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:39,252 I was getting ready to close. She wants to tell me something. 290 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:40,753 I thought she had a boyfriend. 291 00:14:40,796 --> 00:14:45,258 Next thing I know, she's guiding my hand down to her thin, bent dong. 292 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,344 - Then what, you gave her a handy? - Fuck you. I fuckin' clocked her. 293 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:51,472 Zloz. You can't do that. That's a human being. 294 00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:53,558 You can't just be throwing punches at people. 295 00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:56,060 What the fuck is wrong with you, Moody? 296 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:59,939 Have you been in LA so long that a chick with a dick means nothing to you? 297 00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,483 Hey! 298 00:15:02,526 --> 00:15:05,028 - Your friend's a closeted fucking homo! - OK. 299 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,822 That's what I've been telling him for years. I have, really. 300 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:09,908 See, them's fightin' words. 301 00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,492 - Asshole. - You're gonna hit me? 302 00:15:11,535 --> 00:15:16,247 I thought you knew. When I realised you didn't, I tried to break it to you gently. 303 00:15:16,332 --> 00:15:19,042 Well, for what it's worth, I think you're beautiful. 304 00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,210 I think you totally pass for a lady. 305 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:23,212 - Thank you, sweetie. - Any time. 306 00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:26,758 Oh, that's great. Why don't you guys get a room and suck each other's dicks? 307 00:15:26,800 --> 00:15:29,218 I think he knew, deep down. 308 00:15:29,261 --> 00:15:31,596 - He was looking for a little meat. - Mm, possibil... 309 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,765 Uhh! Shit. 310 00:15:33,807 --> 00:15:35,099 - Uhh! - Agh! 311 00:15:35,142 --> 00:15:36,768 Zloz! 312 00:15:36,810 --> 00:15:39,020 Boys, enough! 313 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:41,689 Up. 314 00:15:41,732 --> 00:15:43,775 There'll be no fighting in this house. 315 00:15:43,817 --> 00:15:46,486 This place is made for love. 316 00:15:46,528 --> 00:15:51,491 The Collinis are open to all sizes, shapes, and sexual preferences. 317 00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:54,494 Ignorance will not be tolerated. 318 00:15:54,536 --> 00:15:57,205 You're absolutely right, Sue. We are deeply ashamed. 319 00:15:57,247 --> 00:15:58,831 Deeply. Right, Zloz? 320 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,708 - Maybe you are... - Zloz. 321 00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,294 I am deeply ashamed... 322 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,380 that I touched a tranny's cock. 323 00:16:05,422 --> 00:16:07,006 All right, all right! 324 00:16:09,385 --> 00:16:12,345 Now that we've got that cleared away, 325 00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,806 you boys wanna go skiing with me? 326 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:17,892 - Yeah, OK. - Uh-huh. Ooh. 327 00:16:27,319 --> 00:16:29,237 Whoo! 328 00:16:36,620 --> 00:16:39,038 Hank, this is more like it! 329 00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,124 You see the mams on this broad? 330 00:16:41,166 --> 00:16:44,460 This guy was your BFF? I don't see it. 331 00:16:44,503 --> 00:16:48,131 You wouldn't know it to look at him now, but he was the coolest kid in high school. 332 00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:51,676 Not the smartest, but he was definitely the funniest. A regular fuckin' riot. 333 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,344 He had the hottest girlfriend. 334 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:56,180 We all wanted to be him. I worshipped the guy. 335 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,267 - I like you like this. - Like what? 336 00:16:59,309 --> 00:17:01,477 Like my new boyfriend. 337 00:17:06,191 --> 00:17:09,402 Be careful, ladies. I think I might have an STD. 338 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:11,904 You don't happen to have a dick, do you? No offence. 339 00:17:11,947 --> 00:17:14,449 None taken. 340 00:17:14,491 --> 00:17:17,452 Nope! No dick. 341 00:17:17,494 --> 00:17:20,163 No pubic hair, either. Dig that shit. 342 00:17:20,205 --> 00:17:22,623 I'm sorry I doubted you, sweetheart. 343 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,334 Bad boy. I'm gonna punish you. 344 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:27,587 You're my bitch. You my bitch? 345 00:17:27,629 --> 00:17:29,756 That's right. Oh, yeah. 346 00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,720 You wanna be my... What... Dude. 347 00:17:35,763 --> 00:17:36,888 Wait... wait, hey. 348 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:38,806 Hey! Stop it! 349 00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,641 Asshole! Get off! 350 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,810 Hey! Hey, fucker! 351 00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,188 - Aaah! - You're out of here! 352 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:49,817 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa. What happened? What'd he say? What'd he do? 353 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,070 He was sucking on her titty, and that ain't cool. 354 00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,530 That is not cool. What the fuck are you thinking? 355 00:17:54,573 --> 00:17:56,574 Did you see those things? They were epic. 356 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:59,869 It was like Pamela Anderson meets Samantha Fox. 357 00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,537 - Remember Samantha Fox? - Shut up. 358 00:18:01,580 --> 00:18:03,414 - Tits for days! - I apologise. 359 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,707 - Tits for days! - Shut up! 360 00:18:04,750 --> 00:18:07,251 I'm throwing working class out on his ass. 361 00:18:07,294 --> 00:18:09,253 - Working class? - Yeah. 362 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,675 (Man) Watch it! 363 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,844 (Glasses shattering) 364 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,391 You with me, compadre? 365 00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,729 (Bouncer) Aaah! 366 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,652 (Karate yell, neck cracks) 367 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,946 (Groans) 368 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:35,756 (Belches) 369 00:20:00,157 --> 00:20:02,241 (Light snoring) 370 00:20:28,685 --> 00:20:31,604 Well, good morning, Teach. 371 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,898 Wow, our very first sleepover. 372 00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,816 I wish I remembered more of it. 373 00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:37,985 Did we take a bubble bath? 374 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,113 There is evidence to support that theory, yes. 375 00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,199 (Giggles) 376 00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:47,745 Can I ask you a favour? 377 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,664 (Snoring lightly) 378 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:06,264 Uhh. 379 00:21:10,852 --> 00:21:13,854 - Good morning. - Good morning. 380 00:21:13,897 --> 00:21:15,690 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. 381 00:21:15,774 --> 00:21:17,525 Uh, um... 382 00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,568 Wow. Did we... did we, um... 383 00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:21,279 Oh, fuck, yeah. 384 00:21:21,321 --> 00:21:23,155 Hm. Mm. 385 00:21:23,198 --> 00:21:25,700 - Was I any good? - Oh, the best. 386 00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:28,369 You've got a great cock. 387 00:21:28,412 --> 00:21:30,579 Fuckin' A. 388 00:21:30,622 --> 00:21:33,499 Good times. 389 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:35,459 Morning, kids. 390 00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:38,004 (Grunts) 391 00:21:38,046 --> 00:21:40,548 - Dude. - Buddy? (Chuckles) 392 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,731 (Zloz) This place is beautiful, man. 393 00:21:56,773 --> 00:21:59,150 Takes your breath away sometimes. 394 00:21:59,192 --> 00:22:01,402 That's one of the perks. 395 00:22:01,486 --> 00:22:02,862 That and In-N-Out Burger. 396 00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:05,406 - I got a question for you. - Shoot. 397 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:07,950 How come you never made it to my wedding, man? 398 00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:10,244 Oh, man. 399 00:22:10,287 --> 00:22:12,288 I don't know. 400 00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,623 I guess I was pissed. 401 00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:17,960 You know, uh... I didn't want to see you ruin your life. 402 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,004 We had a plan. 403 00:22:20,047 --> 00:22:23,049 - Right, and I fucked it up. - Well... 404 00:22:23,091 --> 00:22:25,509 We were gonna get out of there, the two of us, together. 405 00:22:25,552 --> 00:22:28,804 You were gonna be a rock star. I was gonna be a famous writer. 406 00:22:28,847 --> 00:22:31,557 That's the way I thought back then. Black and white. 407 00:22:31,641 --> 00:22:34,894 I was a fuckin' idiot. Couldn't have been more wrong. 408 00:22:34,936 --> 00:22:36,771 You did a beautiful thing. 409 00:22:36,813 --> 00:22:40,066 You stepped up, married that girl, had a family. 410 00:22:40,108 --> 00:22:41,984 Don't fuck it up. 411 00:22:42,027 --> 00:22:45,321 Don't chase these... girls with fake titties 412 00:22:45,364 --> 00:22:48,741 and half-baked screenplay ideas. 413 00:22:48,784 --> 00:22:51,827 Dude... I'm sorry about your father, man. 414 00:22:53,455 --> 00:22:56,415 Yeah. Thank you. Um... 415 00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:00,711 (Sighs) Thanks for the flowers that you sent. 416 00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:05,299 Did you hear about Mr Amato? 417 00:23:05,342 --> 00:23:07,468 - He passed away last year. - Did he? 418 00:23:07,511 --> 00:23:09,428 - Yeah. - Shit. 419 00:23:09,471 --> 00:23:11,555 Well, I guess that really proves his theory. 420 00:23:11,598 --> 00:23:13,974 That you... you really do die 421 00:23:14,017 --> 00:23:16,143 less than five miles from where you were born. 422 00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:18,813 Now, that might happen to me now. 423 00:23:18,855 --> 00:23:20,564 What? What do you mean? 424 00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:22,691 Ah, man, you know, I get these nosebleeds. 425 00:23:22,734 --> 00:23:25,569 What do you mean, nosebleeds? What are you talking about? 426 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:29,907 I never thought much about them, but Kim finally made me go to the doctor. 427 00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:32,326 And it turns out I'm sick, dude. 428 00:23:32,369 --> 00:23:35,287 What do you mean, sick? What... What kind of sick? 429 00:23:35,330 --> 00:23:38,499 I mean sick like I gotta... Like I got something I gotta deal with sick. 430 00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:42,128 I got to get a whole shitload of tests. I keep putting it off. 431 00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:44,797 That's why Kim and I had that big fuckin' blowout, man. 432 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,049 It's not a good time right now. 433 00:23:47,092 --> 00:23:48,509 Oh! 434 00:23:49,719 --> 00:23:52,972 Ah, at least I got to see all this, though, man. 435 00:23:53,014 --> 00:23:55,558 Zloz... Yo! 436 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,394 - You're not gonna die. - (Chuckles) 437 00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,396 Maybe, you know. Maybe not. 438 00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:04,859 Whatever happens, it's got me thinking about a lot of things, you know? 439 00:24:04,901 --> 00:24:07,278 About how fuckin' short it all is. 440 00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:11,240 How you and I, once upon a time, we were thick as thieves. 441 00:24:11,283 --> 00:24:12,950 I don't know what happened. 442 00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:15,244 I just wish I knew the moment where it all changed, 443 00:24:15,287 --> 00:24:19,331 - because I would do things differently. - You didn't do anything wrong. 444 00:24:19,374 --> 00:24:22,460 I didn't mean to let things slide with you, Zloz. 445 00:24:23,670 --> 00:24:25,838 I guess I did. 446 00:24:25,922 --> 00:24:28,340 You were my best friend, Hank. 447 00:24:28,383 --> 00:24:33,304 I'll never forget. Some of the greatest times of my life, you know? 448 00:24:33,346 --> 00:24:36,599 Maybe that makes me a big, pathetic fuckin' loser, 449 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:40,478 but... once upon a time has got to count for something, I figure. 450 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:42,438 - Right? - Course it does. 451 00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:46,025 I just... I didn't belong there any more. 452 00:24:46,067 --> 00:24:48,027 Fuck, I don't belong here, either. 453 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:52,698 It doesn't... it doesn't change the fact that I love you, man. 454 00:24:56,953 --> 00:24:58,829 Look at you, Moody. 455 00:24:58,872 --> 00:25:00,998 I can't believe... 456 00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:04,502 I haven't seen you cry since Thurman Munson died. 457 00:25:04,544 --> 00:25:07,087 You got to bring up Thurman Munson? You fucking asshole. 458 00:25:07,130 --> 00:25:08,881 - I had to go there because... - Don't! 459 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:12,092 You were crying, I was crying. It was beautiful. 460 00:25:12,135 --> 00:25:13,302 You were crying about Andy Gibb. 461 00:25:34,574 --> 00:25:36,575 (Hank) Sorry I got to drop you off so early. 462 00:25:36,618 --> 00:25:38,786 I got to pick up the little monster. 463 00:25:38,828 --> 00:25:41,080 No worries. 464 00:25:41,122 --> 00:25:46,001 Gives me plenty of time to get loaded and piss myself on the plane. 465 00:25:52,133 --> 00:25:55,052 - It was good to see you, Zloz. - Yeah, you too, man. 466 00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:57,012 Thanks for showing me a good time. 467 00:25:57,055 --> 00:26:00,641 You know, uh, what happens in LA... 468 00:26:01,726 --> 00:26:03,811 - Right, brother? - Yes, it stays in the vault. 469 00:26:03,853 --> 00:26:06,230 You think you can patch things up with the old lady? 470 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:09,275 To tell you the truth, she doesn't even know I'm gone. 471 00:26:09,317 --> 00:26:13,696 She was so pissed at me, she took off with a couple of her girlfriends to Atlantic City. 472 00:26:13,738 --> 00:26:17,825 So for all I know, she could have been making out with a tranny too. 473 00:26:17,867 --> 00:26:20,911 - You're a colossal pussy, you know that? - You'd better come visit. 474 00:26:20,954 --> 00:26:23,539 I got a bunch of kids with a shitload of Hank Moody stories. 475 00:26:23,582 --> 00:26:26,250 - They don't have a face to put to the name. - That's not good. 476 00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:28,168 - No, it's not. - All right, well... 477 00:26:28,211 --> 00:26:30,671 - Fuck it, I... I love you. - Oh, God. 478 00:26:30,714 --> 00:26:33,215 - I love you, Zloz. - I... I love you too. 479 00:26:33,258 --> 00:26:35,467 I love you too. Fuckin' homo. 480 00:26:35,510 --> 00:26:37,595 OK, faggot. Go. 481 00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:41,515 Hey, Zloz. Made you look... 482 00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:43,183 at my cock. 483 00:26:52,152 --> 00:26:54,737 Hey! Hello! 484 00:26:54,779 --> 00:26:57,072 Look who's here. Hi. Wow. 485 00:26:57,115 --> 00:26:59,033 Not even a hello. Wow, good times. 486 00:27:01,328 --> 00:27:04,163 Good times, good times. 487 00:27:04,205 --> 00:27:06,582 Hey, what are you doing? What am I, your limo driver? 488 00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,208 No, come on. You get in the front. 489 00:27:10,754 --> 00:27:13,672 What? Were you just gonna leave me behind? 490 00:27:16,384 --> 00:27:17,718 Hey. 491 00:27:22,515 --> 00:27:26,226 Merry fucking Christmas. Can we go home already? 492 00:27:27,354 --> 00:27:28,979 (Both) Shut up. 493 00:27:29,022 --> 00:27:33,192 ♪ You got all the sugar 494 00:27:33,234 --> 00:27:35,944 ♪ You'll ever need 495 00:27:36,488 --> 00:27:38,739 ♪ You're gonna give 496 00:27:38,782 --> 00:27:41,283 ♪ Some of your sugar 497 00:27:41,326 --> 00:27:43,619 ♪ To me 498 00:27:43,662 --> 00:27:47,122 ♪ You got all your demons ♪ You got all your demons 499 00:27:47,165 --> 00:27:50,250 ♪ Held at bay 500 00:27:50,293 --> 00:27:57,257 ♪ You're gonna drive some of my demons away 501 00:27:57,300 --> 00:28:00,594 ♪ Sweet, sweet 502 00:28:00,637 --> 00:28:04,682 ♪ Sugar to me 503 00:28:04,724 --> 00:28:06,642 ♪ Please let me know 504 00:28:06,685 --> 00:28:11,313 ♪ When your kisses are free ♪