1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:03,043 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:03,128 --> 00:00:06,088 - Did you two come together? - No. We just came in together. 3 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:11,260 I've never stepped outside of my marriage before. 4 00:00:11,302 --> 00:00:15,180 But I'm guessing that you feel like you're... owed one. 5 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:20,602 Come on. You're coming in. I want to take a look at you. 6 00:00:22,939 --> 00:00:24,690 This is so not fair. 7 00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,570 Daisy... came to see me. 8 00:00:29,612 --> 00:00:31,447 What'd she say, that little tramp? 9 00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:34,408 She said that she had contracted a few STDs. 10 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:36,994 No, I seriously think I'm gonna throw up right now. 11 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:39,913 What could possibly be so awful about visiting the woman 12 00:00:39,956 --> 00:00:42,166 who pushed you through her magnificent vagina? 13 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,084 Chelsea has Lakers tickets. 14 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,586 (Karen) I'm so excited. 15 00:00:45,628 --> 00:00:47,796 I can't wait to squeeze that little peanut. 16 00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:50,591 I wouldn't get too excited. She hasn't been very pleasant lately. 17 00:00:50,633 --> 00:00:52,801 Hey! Look who's here. 18 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,720 Not even a hello. Oh, good times. 19 00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:57,347 What? Were you just gonna leave me behind? 20 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,736 (Mobile buzzing) 21 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:12,571 Oh, my God. 22 00:01:12,614 --> 00:01:14,323 Chelsea. I need to take this. 23 00:01:14,365 --> 00:01:17,159 What do you mean? What, are you with the organ transplant team? 24 00:01:17,202 --> 00:01:19,787 Shut that shit down. Tell your old man about your weekend. 25 00:01:19,829 --> 00:01:21,747 Start by telling me how much you missed me. 26 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:24,291 Oh, we had a grand old time. 27 00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,503 Soaked up some culture, did you? Museums, shopping, girl talk? 28 00:01:27,587 --> 00:01:29,463 Some dirty-water hot dogs maybe? 29 00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,925 - Whoa. What? Where you going? - I'm still allowed to pee, aren't I? 30 00:01:32,967 --> 00:01:34,009 (♪ Mobile plays tune) 31 00:01:34,052 --> 00:01:35,594 (Thud) 32 00:01:38,807 --> 00:01:41,517 Remember this? Remember when you thought... 33 00:01:41,559 --> 00:01:43,185 - Yes. ...that was a good idea? 34 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:46,063 It's awful. I don't recognise her any more. 35 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,148 I told you. She's changed, right? 36 00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,818 She's a miserable little bitch all the time now. 37 00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,611 I guess at least we know why, right? 38 00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:54,863 - We do? - Chelsea. 39 00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:58,283 It's all she cares about any more. Chelsea, Chelsea, Chelsea. 40 00:01:58,326 --> 00:02:01,453 Well... it's better than her caring about a boy, right? 41 00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:03,497 Cos you can't get pregnant from your BFF. 42 00:02:03,540 --> 00:02:06,125 At least not without the aid of a turkey baster. 43 00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,918 Oh, Hank, this isn't working any more. 44 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:10,504 - What isn't? Don't say that. - This whole arrangement. 45 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:13,465 She needs to be living with me right now, OK? 46 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:15,676 I know... I know she hates me. 47 00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,678 And I know she wants to live here with you. 48 00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:21,640 But fuck it. We're the parents, right? We get to decide. 49 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,100 - We? - Yes, we. 50 00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:25,435 So what, you're saying we just pack up and leave LA? 51 00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,604 The three of us, move back to New York together? 52 00:02:27,647 --> 00:02:31,567 Well, soon, yeah. End of the semester, whatever. 53 00:02:31,609 --> 00:02:33,694 (Whispering) This place is toxic. 54 00:02:33,736 --> 00:02:35,612 OK? 55 00:02:35,655 --> 00:02:38,365 LA is no place to raise a daughter. 56 00:02:38,449 --> 00:02:39,908 - That's my line. - I know. 57 00:02:39,951 --> 00:02:41,827 You're stealing my shit. 58 00:02:41,870 --> 00:02:44,955 - All right. To our beautiful family... - I... Yes. 59 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:48,500 ...our black president, and my magnificent dong. 60 00:03:33,755 --> 00:03:36,798 What the fuck? I'm not even a part of this fucking family any more? 61 00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:39,760 - Jesus Christ. Karen! - She gets to decide? How is that fair? 62 00:03:39,802 --> 00:03:41,929 I don't think we were shooting for fair. Karen! 63 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,722 For the first time in my life, I'm happy, 64 00:03:43,765 --> 00:03:46,350 and you want me to move someplace I have no friends? 65 00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:49,353 New York doesn't mean shit to me. It isn't the answer to anything! 66 00:03:49,395 --> 00:03:52,022 Telling her together, I guess that didn't work out so well. 67 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,523 You know what? It kind of came up 68 00:03:53,566 --> 00:03:56,360 while the narcissist in the family was deep-conditioning. 69 00:03:56,402 --> 00:03:58,737 I can't believe you didn't fight for me. 70 00:03:58,780 --> 00:04:01,865 There's nothing to fight about, honey. This was always the plan. 71 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,159 Honey, you're gonna be late to school, OK? 72 00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:07,120 We will talk about it later. I love you. 73 00:04:09,958 --> 00:04:12,918 So, well, the worst is over. 74 00:04:12,961 --> 00:04:17,005 Oh, yeah? You think the French Revolution was over when they stormed the Bastille? 75 00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:19,967 No, no, no. They had a little thing called the Terror. Years later. 76 00:04:20,009 --> 00:04:23,178 She will get used to the idea. Who doesn't want to live in New York? 77 00:04:23,221 --> 00:04:25,847 - Mm. - Anyway, Professor... 78 00:04:25,890 --> 00:04:27,933 you need to get dressed, you're gonna be late. 79 00:04:27,976 --> 00:04:30,143 Not that late. It's a very progressive school. 80 00:04:30,186 --> 00:04:33,188 - The students practically teach themselves. - Uh-uh, no, stop. 81 00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,274 - Why? Why? - Stop! Because. 82 00:04:35,316 --> 00:04:37,567 Well, for a start, I don't know where you've been. 83 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,821 Well, I'm freshly showered, right? That should count for something. 84 00:04:40,863 --> 00:04:42,572 I don't know where you've been either. 85 00:04:42,615 --> 00:04:44,491 - Oh, you do. - Oh, I do? 86 00:04:44,575 --> 00:04:46,285 - Yeah. - What is that, like a riddle? 87 00:04:46,327 --> 00:04:47,953 You getting all Sphinx-like on me? 88 00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:51,373 - I slept with Bill. - Ha ha-ha ha-ha. 89 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,500 I slept with Bill. 90 00:04:54,669 --> 00:04:57,129 I ran into him at NYU when he was visiting Mia. 91 00:04:57,171 --> 00:04:58,964 Ew! Ugh! 92 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,882 She says hi, by the way. 93 00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:04,219 Um, are you OK? You look a little sick in your stomach. 94 00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,971 (Belches) Oh... 95 00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,598 Shit, you're totally not joking about this, are you? 96 00:05:08,641 --> 00:05:12,060 Oh... Hank. 97 00:05:13,062 --> 00:05:15,564 Oh, come on, honey. It's not that big a deal. 98 00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:18,775 I mean, I kind of felt like I owed him one. 99 00:05:18,818 --> 00:05:21,236 I did, you know, ruin his life and all. 100 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,363 I mean, that night that I married him, 101 00:05:23,406 --> 00:05:25,991 and then I jumped in the car with you. 102 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:29,202 (Sighs) God, it feels good to tell the truth. 103 00:05:32,540 --> 00:05:36,752 Come on, Professor. Come out of there. Get dressed. 104 00:05:36,794 --> 00:05:39,421 I'm so excited to go to class with you! 105 00:05:43,801 --> 00:05:45,969 "Eva lifts her head from her book 106 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,597 "and regards the curious figure striding her way. 107 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,766 "A faint hint of a smile appears on her face. 108 00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:52,684 "Adam slows down, reaching her table. 109 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:55,103 "Their eyes meet, and it looks like Adam is going to do it. 110 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:58,815 "But what do you know, folks? He averts his eyes and keeps right on walking, 111 00:05:58,858 --> 00:06:00,817 "jamming his hands in his pockets." 112 00:06:00,860 --> 00:06:04,946 OK, so what can we learn from this early execrable work 113 00:06:04,989 --> 00:06:08,784 from a major, and I do mean major, American author? 114 00:06:08,826 --> 00:06:12,537 And don't be shy. Rip him a new asshole or three or four. 115 00:06:12,580 --> 00:06:14,664 Go. Dig in. 116 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:22,714 Sir? 117 00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:25,801 (Laughs) Yes. 118 00:06:25,843 --> 00:06:28,345 I think "execrable" is a little harsh. 119 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,555 I mean, I didn't think it was so bad. 120 00:06:30,598 --> 00:06:34,142 And I think those that are auditing this class really shouldn't participate. 121 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:37,062 - Others? - I think you should let the woman speak. 122 00:06:37,146 --> 00:06:40,816 - Sorry, what did you say your name was? - She didn't. Next. 123 00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:44,736 Well..."Their eyes meet"? 124 00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:48,115 That's a little hokey, don't you think? And, uh... 125 00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:52,869 Eva's whole introduction, really, is just... stupid, you know? 126 00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:55,205 - We know she's pretty. We get it. - And we're out of time. 127 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:57,416 Look at that. Class has now ended. 128 00:06:57,458 --> 00:07:00,710 Go in peace and love to serve the word. 129 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,802 Well... 130 00:07:08,845 --> 00:07:14,015 Um, here's the papers on last week's poetry of Jagger and Richards. 131 00:07:14,058 --> 00:07:15,892 Thank you. 132 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,936 (Softly) Jill. 133 00:07:18,729 --> 00:07:20,647 Thanks. 134 00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:28,280 - Well, then, I'll see you next week. - Thanks, Jill. 135 00:07:32,368 --> 00:07:35,162 - You are unbelievable. - What? 136 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,164 So, Adam... 137 00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:40,125 - which one are you sleeping with? - Excuse me? 138 00:07:40,168 --> 00:07:43,753 My bets are on the, uh... young, voluptuous student. 139 00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:45,547 She's a definite... 140 00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:47,549 Eva prototype. 141 00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:49,092 Please. There's only one Eva. 142 00:07:49,135 --> 00:07:51,511 Besides, it's against the rules to sleep with students. 143 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:54,514 Oh, of course. Yes. 144 00:07:54,557 --> 00:07:56,683 - Though when I was in college... - Oh, Jesus. 145 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:58,685 - I slept... - "...with my professor." I know! 146 00:07:58,728 --> 00:08:02,105 I've heard quite enough about your sexual goings-on for one day. 147 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,733 I can't believe you kept this ridiculous story. 148 00:08:04,775 --> 00:08:06,943 I mean, you wrote this when you were, like, 23? 149 00:08:06,986 --> 00:08:09,613 I save everything I write. All parts of the buffalo. 150 00:08:09,655 --> 00:08:12,574 - Hm. - Especially the stuff about you. 151 00:08:12,617 --> 00:08:17,370 - Yeah, one-act plays, haikus, grocery lists. - (Laughing) 152 00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:20,540 Hank. Oh, Hank. 153 00:08:20,583 --> 00:08:23,293 I'm sorry, I was just wondering if you were picking up... 154 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,754 - Felicia. ...the girls from school today. 155 00:08:25,796 --> 00:08:28,423 - K... Karen. Karen. - Hey. 156 00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:31,968 - Felicia. - Karen. Not... not the Karen? 157 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,887 The mamacita of my bambina. 158 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:36,640 - Sí. - Hey. I'm Becca's mom. 159 00:08:36,682 --> 00:08:38,975 - It's nice to meet you. - I'm Chelsea's mum. 160 00:08:39,060 --> 00:08:41,728 - Oh, yeah. - Lovely to meet you finally. 161 00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:44,272 Becca must be delighted to have you back. 162 00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,275 - Well, she's not back back. - Well, no. It's just a quick visit. 163 00:08:47,318 --> 00:08:49,486 You know, my work keeps me in New York, so... 164 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:53,240 I know. It's so awful, isn't it? The whole working-mum thing. 165 00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:56,117 I'm so lucky with my teaching schedule. 166 00:08:56,160 --> 00:09:00,080 Actually, I'm not working this afternoon, so I could pick them up if you'd like. 167 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:04,584 Oh, no, you know what? That's OK. I kind of... I kind of like it. I miss it, actually. 168 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:08,088 Oh, yeah, well, who... who doesn't love a carpool line? 169 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,549 Well, then, problem solved, I guess. 170 00:09:10,591 --> 00:09:15,345 - So... Lovely to meet you. - Yeah. And you. Yes. Yeah, bye. 171 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:20,183 Oh, my God, can you believe that woman? 172 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:22,978 Yeah, she's... she's real classy-like, right? 173 00:09:23,020 --> 00:09:24,854 - (Gags) - What? 174 00:09:24,939 --> 00:09:27,774 No, and that ridiculous accent. I mean, what the fuck? 175 00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:29,359 - It's pleasant. - She was like... 176 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:32,362 (English accent) "So lovely to meet you. My schedule." 177 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:36,616 But... she was taught to speak like... She's not making it... I think you're jealous. 178 00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:39,244 - Are you being jealous? - No. 179 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,246 If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were. 180 00:09:41,289 --> 00:09:44,666 I mean... No, she is definitely not your type. 181 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,254 No. 182 00:09:51,799 --> 00:09:55,260 There you are, you VD-riddled sack of shit. 183 00:09:55,303 --> 00:10:00,348 Ten days' worth of antibiotics I have to take, just in case, mind you. 184 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:03,184 I'm taking 'em too, you know, and I'm getting tested tomorrow. 185 00:10:03,227 --> 00:10:06,605 Yes, dear, but the delicate balance of yeast in your vagina 186 00:10:06,647 --> 00:10:09,733 isn't as likely to be compromised by all this shit, now, is it? 187 00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:13,778 Just, you know, eat more yogurt. Hey, I'll make you a smoothie. 188 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,907 Do I look like I want a fucking smoothie? 189 00:10:17,950 --> 00:10:20,493 Whose Corvette is that blocking the driveway? 190 00:10:20,536 --> 00:10:23,830 Rick Springfield. And a smoothie can be very refreshing on a hot day. 191 00:10:23,873 --> 00:10:27,167 - Oh, now you got to be fucking with me. - What fucking with you? 192 00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:30,337 I said, whose car is that blocking the driveway? 193 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:31,880 And I said Rick Springfield. 194 00:10:31,922 --> 00:10:34,507 He's got a big audition tomorrow, we're running lines. 195 00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:38,261 Shut the fuck up. Rick Springfield is running lines with you in my house right now? 196 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,805 Yes, he's a new client. I've told you this before. 197 00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:44,225 Now, listen to me. I'm gonna be late coming back from his audition, 198 00:10:44,268 --> 00:10:47,103 so I got everything prepped for our dinner with Hank and Karen. 199 00:10:47,146 --> 00:10:50,607 It's gonna be gumbo. Everything's going in the pressure cooker. 200 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:54,361 All you have to do is remember to start the rice, please. 201 00:10:54,403 --> 00:10:59,908 Rick fucking Springfield is here in my house right fucking now? 202 00:10:59,950 --> 00:11:01,743 (Laughs) Yes! 203 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:05,705 - He's upstairs having a nap, sort of. - Hey, Runkle. 204 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:09,501 Or... Wait. I spoke too soon. Here's Rick now. 205 00:11:09,543 --> 00:11:14,130 Dude, don't you have anything raunchier than back issues of Gent magazine? 206 00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,049 Well... 207 00:11:17,009 --> 00:11:19,594 - Hello. - Oh, my God. 208 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:23,139 You're really... Rick Springfield in my house right now. 209 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,100 Um... (Clears throat) 210 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:27,644 You're... you're very tall and... 211 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,855 and dark and handsome and, uh... 212 00:11:30,898 --> 00:11:33,525 No. Charlie doesn't have anything raunchier than that, 213 00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:36,820 because he likes to, you know, kick it old school with the pornography. 214 00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:39,447 - Know what I'm saying? - Church. 215 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:41,241 Hey, are these my beta-blockers? 216 00:11:41,283 --> 00:11:44,160 - I get real nervous before... - Oh, no, that's just a... 217 00:11:44,203 --> 00:11:46,287 - lip gloss. - Oh. 218 00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,456 Back in the old days, Sue used to blow me. 219 00:11:48,499 --> 00:11:51,501 But these days, she likes them younger... 220 00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:53,586 and balder. 221 00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,588 - Hey... would you... - OK. OK! 222 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:58,466 Don't you need to be running along somewhere, little one, hm? 223 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,635 - Appointments and such? - No, I'm OK. 224 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:03,054 I just want to stay here and talk to Rick Springfield. 225 00:12:03,097 --> 00:12:05,140 Not on my watch, OK? We got work to do. 226 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:07,183 Lots of it. No time for distractions. 227 00:12:07,226 --> 00:12:09,227 - But... Come on! - One more word out of you, 228 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,521 - and I'll tell him what the pills are really for. - Shh! 229 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:18,194 When I was a kid, you spoke when you were spoken to, 230 00:12:18,237 --> 00:12:20,864 or you were chased around the kitchen with a wooden spoon. 231 00:12:20,906 --> 00:12:24,492 Sorry we weren't put on this planet to entertain you. 232 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:26,911 Untrue. Entertainment for the poor. 233 00:12:26,954 --> 00:12:30,582 That's what my mother always called children. Clearly, she was wrong. 234 00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:34,627 - Hm. Well, maybe if you weren't poor... - Excuse me? 235 00:12:34,670 --> 00:12:36,713 Poor? I didn't get that memo. Are we poor? 236 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:40,675 No offence, Karen, but Becca showed me a picture of the apartment where you live, 237 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,844 and I've been in dorm rooms bigger than that. 238 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:45,889 I mean, I think that it would be best for Becca if she could stay in LA 239 00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,308 and at least have some shot at a normal life. 240 00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,986 - She did say "No offence." - (Whispers) OK. 241 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:02,363 (Grunts loudly) 242 00:13:02,406 --> 00:13:04,449 Ooh! She returns! (Grunts) 243 00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:06,534 Yes! 244 00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:09,287 Yes, in! On the fucking line! 245 00:13:09,330 --> 00:13:12,081 - I'm gonna take you down, Mommy. - Oh, Jesus. 246 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:16,503 Is there any sport for which your father does not have the proper attire? 247 00:13:16,545 --> 00:13:18,505 I bet he swims in a Speedo. Does he? 248 00:13:18,547 --> 00:13:20,381 - (Grunts loudly) - (Squeals) Oh! 249 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,925 Yes! Yes! Yes! 250 00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:25,720 - Take that, you lazy motherfucker! - Oh, hello. 251 00:13:25,763 --> 00:13:27,305 - Felicia. - (Stacy) All right... 252 00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:30,809 You just caught us getting some exercise. Hello. 253 00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:33,686 - Honey, game's not over. - That was just a point? 254 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:36,689 What do you do when you win a whole match, sacrifice a calf? 255 00:13:36,732 --> 00:13:38,107 - He doesn't... - Cheers. 256 00:13:38,192 --> 00:13:41,069 ...actually mean it, all that trash talking and such. 257 00:13:41,111 --> 00:13:43,738 That's just his way. Stacy, this is Becca's mum. 258 00:13:44,698 --> 00:13:45,907 - Karen! - Hi. 259 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,159 Oh, so nice to meet you. Heard so much about you. 260 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:49,702 - Oh! Thank you. - Delighted. 261 00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:51,621 You should stay for dinner. 262 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,332 - Just you, not him. - OK, give me that racket. 263 00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,669 The dean has just requested a heaping helping of my backhand for dinner. 264 00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:00,880 - Yes, of course, you must stay. - Oh, well, you know, 265 00:14:00,923 --> 00:14:02,715 that's really kind, but we have plans. 266 00:14:02,758 --> 00:14:04,968 We're meeting some friends, so... 267 00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,178 Their friends, not mine. 268 00:14:07,221 --> 00:14:09,973 Yes. But the point is we're going as a family. 269 00:14:10,015 --> 00:14:12,433 Tout ensemble. So that's the point. 270 00:14:12,476 --> 00:14:15,103 And I'd rather stay here with this family. 271 00:14:15,145 --> 00:14:19,190 Oh, isn't she sweet? You know you're always welcome here, Becca. 272 00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:20,567 (Stacy) Yes. Always. 273 00:14:20,609 --> 00:14:23,111 Your... your mom is visiting from New York. 274 00:14:23,153 --> 00:14:24,612 Your mom... Have you met your mom? 275 00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:27,574 She's only here for a little while. You want to spend time with her, no? 276 00:14:27,616 --> 00:14:30,159 No. Once you drag me back to New York, 277 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:33,329 all I'm going to be doing is spending time with my mother. 278 00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:35,081 I certainly won't have any friends. 279 00:14:35,124 --> 00:14:37,208 All right, Becca, apologise to your mother. 280 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,294 (Karen) It's fine. It's really fine. 281 00:14:39,336 --> 00:14:43,047 You know what? It seems like you have an open invitation here, so if... 282 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:45,550 Of course! It's no problem if you want to stay for dinner. 283 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:48,177 That way you two can have a lovely time with your friends. 284 00:14:48,220 --> 00:14:50,597 Yes. Thank you, Felicia. 285 00:14:57,271 --> 00:15:00,064 Karen couldn't make it. 286 00:15:00,107 --> 00:15:01,232 Not feeling well. 287 00:15:01,275 --> 00:15:02,775 Mm-hm. 288 00:15:02,818 --> 00:15:04,027 - Yes! - Surprise! 289 00:15:04,069 --> 00:15:05,737 - Oh, God! - Ha-ha! 290 00:15:05,779 --> 00:15:07,572 - Oh, look at you. - Look at you. 291 00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,616 - I miss you. - Is this for me? 292 00:15:09,658 --> 00:15:12,327 - What, my muumuu? - You look like America's Next Top Smurf. 293 00:15:12,369 --> 00:15:14,662 It's just the schmatte I wear around the house. What? 294 00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,582 - In with you! - Where's the Runkle-ator? 295 00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,334 - Well, he's stuck in... - Runkle! 296 00:15:19,376 --> 00:15:21,419 ...traffic on his way over from the Valley. 297 00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:24,380 That man is dead to me, by the way. Do you see this? 298 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,467 This hideous VD-type pustule on my face? 299 00:15:27,509 --> 00:15:28,801 - Ooh! - No, not really. 300 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,511 - That is disgusting. - Yeah. 301 00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,096 - Shut up. - You see it, right? 302 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:35,224 - Oh, yeah, it's deep in there. - Guess what? He gave it to me. Thanks. 303 00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:38,394 And he tried to rape me, by the way. But how are you? 304 00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:41,481 I'm good. I... I... you know, Becca, she's... 305 00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:43,399 - (Charlie) Hello. Hello! - I know. 306 00:15:43,442 --> 00:15:45,360 Make way for the victors. 307 00:15:45,402 --> 00:15:47,612 - Victory. - He got the part? 308 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,823 - You got the part? Oh, my God! - It's so good to see you... 309 00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:52,992 - Oh, my God... - (Marcy) Congratulations! 310 00:15:53,035 --> 00:15:55,536 - Is that Rick Springfield? - I believe it is, yeah. 311 00:15:56,872 --> 00:15:59,040 And who are you, pretty lady? 312 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,839 Rick Springfield and Andy Gibb on Solid Gold. 313 00:16:06,882 --> 00:16:08,633 This means nothing to you? 314 00:16:08,676 --> 00:16:11,636 I remember. Everybody loved Rick Springfield, right? 315 00:16:11,679 --> 00:16:13,680 She just didn't have the poster over her bed. 316 00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:17,308 You... I'm guessing you practised your she-bopping to that, huh? 317 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:20,311 You know what always used to start my motor? Mannix. 318 00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:24,023 That tall Armenian with a great head of hair. Mm. 319 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:28,027 Just thinking of him still gets my juices flowing. 320 00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,572 Teen fantasies are great, OK? 321 00:16:31,615 --> 00:16:34,367 - You know, I've had some of my own. - Oh, yeah, what, you? 322 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:35,493 - Mm-hm. - Duran Duran? 323 00:16:35,536 --> 00:16:37,161 - Ha. - Boy George? 324 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,123 Cheryl Tiegs, thank you very much. 325 00:16:40,165 --> 00:16:43,626 My point is, you have to remember, musicians, actors, models... 326 00:16:43,711 --> 00:16:46,004 these are people with flaws and such. 327 00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:49,966 I mean, there's no way they could possibly live up to the excitement, the mystery 328 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,885 that our tortured teen psyches choose to project upon them. 329 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,430 - That... that's... that's my point. - Oh, my God. 330 00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,474 - I made a girl come seven times once. - (Gasps) 331 00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,726 Oh... 332 00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,729 Over the course of an entire relationship? 333 00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:05,189 - (Giggling) - (Marcy) All in a row? 334 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,151 Sweet Jesus. 335 00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,653 Who's ready for dessert? I know I am. 336 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:13,406 Cheers to you, Rick Springfield. Hold on a second. 337 00:17:21,498 --> 00:17:23,207 What are you doing moping in the fridge? 338 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:26,252 '80s pop legend Rick Springfield is in there stealing your girl. 339 00:17:26,295 --> 00:17:28,713 Not Jessie's Girl, your girl. Runkle's girl. 340 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,674 - I'm well aware of this fact. - So get in there and make her jealous. 341 00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:35,219 - With what? You gonna loan me Karen? - That's disgusting. What's wrong with you? 342 00:17:35,262 --> 00:17:36,888 - What's wrong with you? - Fuck you. 343 00:17:36,930 --> 00:17:39,223 - (Mobile) - Y'ello. 344 00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,558 Shit, really? 345 00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:43,978 Um... All right, we'll... Yeah. We'll be right over. 346 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,688 - We got to go. - What? 347 00:17:45,731 --> 00:17:48,191 Little problem with the offspring. Don't panic, no. 348 00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:51,944 They just... It seems Becca and Chelsea staged a raid on the dean's wine cellar. 349 00:17:51,987 --> 00:17:55,198 Oh, my God. I knew that Chelsea was trouble. 350 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,741 - Honey, I... - OK. 351 00:17:56,784 --> 00:17:58,701 - Call me later. - Bye. Very nice to meet you. 352 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:00,870 - I hope she's OK. - Bye, Rick Springfield. 353 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,997 (Rick) Bye, guys. 354 00:18:03,791 --> 00:18:06,584 Mm. (Clears throat) Do you want to, um... 355 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:09,045 go up to my room and listen to some records? 356 00:18:11,215 --> 00:18:13,841 - Only if they're mine. - Church. 357 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,015 So, Runkle, 358 00:18:21,058 --> 00:18:23,059 what are you serving for dessert? 359 00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,103 I know what I want. 360 00:18:25,145 --> 00:18:28,064 Tube steak. Yes, I know. 361 00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:30,566 Listen, Sue, this is, uh... 362 00:18:31,735 --> 00:18:33,736 a really difficult time for me right now, 363 00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:37,615 and besides, I should probably let you know I think I have VD. 364 00:18:37,658 --> 00:18:42,036 Oh, no worries. Oh, just slap a bag on it, and I'm good to go. 365 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,709 Welcome. 366 00:18:48,794 --> 00:18:52,964 Glass of Cab? Oh, fuck, I forget what fucking year this is. 367 00:18:53,006 --> 00:18:54,465 - Stacy! - She's drunk. 368 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,217 - No. - Look at her. 369 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:59,137 - She can't even walk in a straight line. - Felicia, are you drunk? 370 00:18:59,221 --> 00:19:00,972 Just a tiny bit. 371 00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:04,016 Seemed such a shame to let all that perfectly good wine go to waste. 372 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,853 They opened about $3,000 worth. 373 00:19:06,895 --> 00:19:09,647 Which is the one you were saving for our 20th anniversary? 374 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:11,440 Not that we're ever gonna get there. 375 00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:13,985 Oh, darling, I think you should slow down a little bit. 376 00:19:14,027 --> 00:19:16,028 Karen, may I get you a glass? 377 00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:19,657 I've got an '82 Pétrus, an '86 Château Margaux, 378 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,952 and a '92 Screaming Eagle Cab that'll blow your mind. 379 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:26,747 - What can I get you? - This is not some fucking social occasion! 380 00:19:26,790 --> 00:19:29,709 I have come here to collect my daughter! OK? So where is she? 381 00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:30,918 - Whoa, whoa. - Becca! 382 00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:33,045 - I understand your concern, but... - Becca! 383 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:36,257 ...is profanity really warranted? - Where the fuck is she? 384 00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,551 Big house. They keep the kids chained in the basement. 385 00:19:38,594 --> 00:19:40,344 - Hank! - She's not as scary as she seems. 386 00:19:40,387 --> 00:19:42,388 - She's had anger-management issues. - Becca! 387 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:45,099 - Thank you. - Excellent. A whole family of sociopaths. 388 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,603 In this case, maybe she's right. We should get Becca and leave. 389 00:19:48,645 --> 00:19:50,396 - Yes! - Oh, whatever you like. 390 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:53,941 I don't see why we can't all just sit down as adults and talk this thing through. 391 00:19:53,984 --> 00:19:56,694 - What? Your idea of shitty parenting? - Uh-oh. 392 00:19:56,737 --> 00:19:59,030 Oh, well, I don't think that's our place to comment, 393 00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:00,364 even though you're right. 394 00:20:00,407 --> 00:20:03,284 Let's all just try to keep cool heads, shall we? 395 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,037 The girls are just testing our boundaries. 396 00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:08,164 It's all perfectly normal for their age range. 397 00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:10,208 Normal for Chelsea, maybe. 398 00:20:10,250 --> 00:20:13,669 - Are you implying this is Chelsea's fault? - I'm not implying anything. 399 00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:16,464 - I'm just saying it flat out. - You've got a lot of nerve. 400 00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:19,008 Oh, shit, now you've angered the dean. Becca! 401 00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,551 - Becca! - Hank, find her. 402 00:20:20,594 --> 00:20:24,388 Fuck it, Stacy. She's right. This is obviously Chelsea's fault. 403 00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:27,892 Becca doesn't have the gumption to get in any kind of serious trouble. 404 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:29,393 - She's a follower. - Excuse me? 405 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:32,355 Oh, no, no, no. I meant it in a nice way. You know, teenagers suck. 406 00:20:32,397 --> 00:20:34,690 They're all bloody awful, Chelsea in particular. 407 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:37,109 I just hope she gets to 17 without getting pregnant. 408 00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:39,070 Honey! 409 00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,821 That's not fair. 410 00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:44,659 (Slurring) You're all such fucking hypocrites. 411 00:20:44,701 --> 00:20:49,872 We are the way we are because you made us this way. 412 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,793 - OK, sweetie, come on. Let's go home. - I don't want to go home. 413 00:20:53,877 --> 00:20:57,213 - (Whispering) Hank! - I want you all to listen to me for once! 414 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,298 Sweetie, we're here. 415 00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:02,677 All right? We're listening. We're all ears. 416 00:21:02,719 --> 00:21:04,762 What is it you want to say? 417 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,264 What is it... Oh, boy. 418 00:21:06,932 --> 00:21:09,767 - Oh! - (Whimpers) 419 00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,648 (Loud moaning, thudding sounds) 420 00:21:17,192 --> 00:21:20,486 (♪ Rick Springfield: I've Done Everything For You) 421 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:23,406 (Marcy) Yes, yes, yes, yes, Rick Springfield! 422 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:24,907 (Thudding) 423 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,952 (Rick) Oh, I fucking love this part! 424 00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,037 (Marcy) Me too, me too, me too, me too! 425 00:21:30,080 --> 00:21:32,748 (Marcy moaning) 426 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,251 Hi. What took you so long, Runkle? 427 00:21:35,294 --> 00:21:38,045 You know, they've been at it for a while over there. 428 00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:41,841 Sounds good too. I almost started without you. 429 00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,260 I'm just finishing up some dishes. 430 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:47,430 (Coughs) I thought I'd let a few things... 431 00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:48,723 (Sobs)... soak. 432 00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:51,600 Runkle, are you... Were you crying? 433 00:21:51,643 --> 00:21:53,561 Ah... 434 00:21:53,603 --> 00:21:56,147 Maybe, a little. 435 00:21:56,189 --> 00:21:58,899 - Yes. - Oh, please! 436 00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:02,653 Over that? I mean... That's kids' stuff. 437 00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:05,239 - Ignore it. - (Marcy) Destroy me, Rick Springfield! 438 00:22:05,282 --> 00:22:07,491 Listen to that, will you? 439 00:22:07,534 --> 00:22:10,036 I don't know how to compete with that! 440 00:22:10,078 --> 00:22:12,246 The only time I ever made Marcy squeal like that 441 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:13,998 was when I put the ring on her finger! 442 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,251 - Harry Winston? - Tiffany. 443 00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:19,170 Oh, Runkle. 444 00:22:19,212 --> 00:22:22,173 You are the saddest sack I have ever seen! 445 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:27,053 To you, the glass is always half empty, huh? Never half full? 446 00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:30,431 Right now, my wife is half full of Rick Springfield! 447 00:22:30,474 --> 00:22:33,225 That's exactly what I mean. Men! 448 00:22:33,268 --> 00:22:36,312 I mean, you are the biggest bunch of pussies there ever was. 449 00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:38,272 (Marcy) Yes, yes, yes! 450 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:40,441 - You're leaving? - Yeah. 451 00:22:40,484 --> 00:22:43,235 Well, I'm gonna let you off the hook this time. 452 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:44,820 But before I go... 453 00:22:44,863 --> 00:22:49,283 I'm gonna give you a little tip on how to get your hot little wifey back. 454 00:22:50,202 --> 00:22:56,791 Sex is supposed to be about joy, Runkle, pure joy. 455 00:22:57,709 --> 00:23:00,169 And if you've forgotten what that sounds like... 456 00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:03,047 - (Moaning and thudding) - Ah! 457 00:23:03,131 --> 00:23:07,009 Oh! Oh! Don't stop! 458 00:23:07,052 --> 00:23:09,387 Runkle, no! Don't... 459 00:23:09,429 --> 00:23:12,139 Stop! Oh, God! 460 00:23:12,182 --> 00:23:13,682 You are good! 461 00:23:13,725 --> 00:23:15,726 Oh, oh, oh! 462 00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:19,230 - Ah! That is perfect! - (Marcy screaming) 463 00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:20,314 Ah! 464 00:23:20,357 --> 00:23:22,024 Oh, that's... oh... oh... 465 00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:24,819 That is perfect! 466 00:23:24,861 --> 00:23:27,822 (Music stops, silence) 467 00:23:29,324 --> 00:23:31,992 Ahh! 468 00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:34,745 (Silence) 469 00:23:37,082 --> 00:23:39,917 Collini... out. 470 00:23:45,382 --> 00:23:47,675 Come on, take this. 471 00:23:47,717 --> 00:23:50,553 Now, you may wake up in the middle of the night... 472 00:23:50,595 --> 00:23:52,513 possibly craving an Egg McMuffin. 473 00:23:52,556 --> 00:23:55,224 The important thing is not to get off the ride at that point, 474 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:59,728 but to remain in your seat with your seatbelt securely fastened. 475 00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:02,189 OK, sweetie? 476 00:24:02,232 --> 00:24:04,483 Good night, sweetie. 477 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:08,320 I promise, everything will be better tomorrow. 478 00:24:08,363 --> 00:24:10,781 Except for your head. That'll feel much worse. 479 00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:12,783 Stay. 480 00:24:19,791 --> 00:24:21,917 What's up, sweetie? 481 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:24,795 We don't have to do what she says, you know. 482 00:24:24,838 --> 00:24:27,756 - What who says? - Her. 483 00:24:27,799 --> 00:24:30,050 The enemy. 484 00:24:30,093 --> 00:24:31,969 Your mom is not the enemy. 485 00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:34,138 She loves you. She wants what's best for you. 486 00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:36,599 Mom doesn't understand. She never will. 487 00:24:36,641 --> 00:24:39,351 This is it, OK? 488 00:24:39,394 --> 00:24:41,979 I'm not just gonna wake up one day and be like her, 489 00:24:42,022 --> 00:24:44,648 six feet tall and beautiful. 490 00:24:46,109 --> 00:24:48,861 You already are beautiful. 491 00:24:48,904 --> 00:24:52,406 Chelsea's the only friend I've ever had, 492 00:24:52,449 --> 00:24:55,201 the only one who accepts me for who I really am. 493 00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:57,828 - That is not true. - It is. 494 00:24:58,663 --> 00:25:02,875 Do you know what it's like to have no one and nothing, 495 00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:05,586 how totally awful that feels? 496 00:25:07,923 --> 00:25:10,257 Yes, I think I do. I... 497 00:25:10,300 --> 00:25:13,802 Once upon a time, I felt like that. 498 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,305 Now I have you. 499 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,810 Yet, somehow... 500 00:25:21,853 --> 00:25:24,146 I still have nothing. 501 00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:36,116 Good night. 502 00:25:54,135 --> 00:25:55,594 Thanks. 503 00:25:57,764 --> 00:25:59,848 So... 504 00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:02,017 (Sighs) I guess you're on her side, 505 00:26:02,060 --> 00:26:04,270 like you guys are this team right now. 506 00:26:05,105 --> 00:26:06,814 We're a team, all right. 507 00:26:09,526 --> 00:26:14,029 Just not a very good one, not without our captain. 508 00:26:14,656 --> 00:26:17,616 You know, you're right. LA is no place to raise a daughter. 509 00:26:17,659 --> 00:26:19,785 Or a dad. 510 00:26:19,828 --> 00:26:21,996 We need your guidance. 511 00:26:22,038 --> 00:26:23,956 We need you, Mommy Dearest... 512 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,835 Really. 513 00:26:27,877 --> 00:26:31,338 Ah, even though sometimes we may take you for granted 514 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:34,800 and throw embarrassing hissy fits and get drunk, 515 00:26:34,843 --> 00:26:38,304 and generally act like we don't give a shit about anything. 516 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:43,434 So you're just both adolescent girls at heart, right? 517 00:26:44,144 --> 00:26:46,604 Yes, we are, the both of us. 518 00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,609 I like you like this. 519 00:26:51,651 --> 00:26:54,028 What, all defeated and shit? 520 00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:58,449 Yes. You're like... you're like putty in my hands. 521 00:26:58,491 --> 00:27:00,367 - Oh, yeah? - Really. 522 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:03,245 - Do with me what you will. - Mm. 523 00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:08,584 - Anything? - Yeah, anything at all. 524 00:27:16,635 --> 00:27:19,303 Mm. Hank? 525 00:27:19,346 --> 00:27:20,929 Wha... 526 00:27:21,514 --> 00:27:23,891 You know what I said about Bill this morning? 527 00:27:23,933 --> 00:27:25,351 Yes. 528 00:27:25,393 --> 00:27:26,685 (Whispers) Got ya. 529 00:27:30,148 --> 00:27:32,650 You fucker. 530 00:27:32,692 --> 00:27:34,485 (Laughing) 531 00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:37,696 ♪ Feeling all alone without a friend, you know I feel like dying 532 00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:45,245 ♪ Oh, didn't I, didn't I, didn't I see you crying? 533 00:27:46,915 --> 00:27:50,209 ♪ I want you 534 00:27:50,251 --> 00:27:53,671 ♪ To want me 535 00:27:53,713 --> 00:27:57,174 ♪ I want you 536 00:27:57,217 --> 00:28:00,386 ♪ To want me 537 00:28:00,428 --> 00:28:03,931 ♪ I want you 538 00:28:03,973 --> 00:28:06,975 ♪ To want me 539 00:28:07,018 --> 00:28:10,729 ♪ I want you 540 00:28:10,772 --> 00:28:13,691 ♪ To want me ♪