1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:05,045
- You're my student.
- Not any more, I'm not.

2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,964
This is so not fair.

3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,590
Previously on Californication...

4
00:00:08,633 --> 00:00:11,552
I've never stepped outside
of my marriage before.

5
00:00:11,594 --> 00:00:14,555
Who in their right mind
would step out on His Royal Deanness?

6
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:19,184
Oh, I am flattered, but I...

7
00:00:20,603 --> 00:00:22,604
And I'm wet.

8
00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:25,441
Hard and wet,
that's a winning combination.

9
00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:27,526
(Crunch)

10
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:30,446
Hey!

11
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:33,657
What? Not even a hello.

12
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,410
What? Were you just
gonna leave me behind?

13
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,162
You're saying we just pack up
and leave LA?

14
00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,372
The three of us,
move back to New York together?

15
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:41,999
Yeah, end of the semester.

16
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,667
For the first time in my life, I'm happy,

17
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,211
and you want me to move
someplace I have no friends?

18
00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:49,006
- What did you say your name was?
- She didn't. Next.

19
00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:51,300
Aaaah!

20
00:00:51,342 --> 00:00:53,594
Runkle is ankling!

21
00:00:54,220 --> 00:00:59,099
Rick fucking Springfield is here in my house
right fucking now?

22
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:02,102
'80s pop legend Rick Springfield
is in there stealing your girl.

23
00:01:02,145 --> 00:01:04,688
You have to out-fuck Rick Springfield.

24
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:06,857
The only time I ever
made Marcy squeal like that

25
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:08,650
was when I put the ring on her finger.

26
00:01:08,693 --> 00:01:11,570
(Marcy and Rick moaning)

27
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:13,864
(Marcy) Destroy me, Rick Springfield!

28
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:19,119
Christ on the cross, Hank.
My lungs are about to explode.

29
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:20,370
You didn't have to come.

30
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:23,665
You could have stayed home and made
the fucky-fucky with the boss lady.

31
00:01:23,708 --> 00:01:25,501
Hey, laugh all you want.

32
00:01:25,543 --> 00:01:28,837
How many people can say they've been in
the same honey pot as Jack Nicholson?

33
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,506
How many people in the LA phone book?

34
00:01:30,548 --> 00:01:34,384
Ah, who am I kidding?
I used to be Charlie Runkle.

35
00:01:34,427 --> 00:01:36,220
Now...

36
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:38,680
(Imitating Sue) I'm Runkkkklllle!

37
00:01:38,723 --> 00:01:42,684
Hm. Look at us, Runkle.
LA has made us soft.

38
00:01:42,727 --> 00:01:46,438
You used to be able to run for the Lexington
Avenue Express with the best of them,

39
00:01:46,481 --> 00:01:48,690
elbowing investment wankers
out of the way.

40
00:01:48,733 --> 00:01:51,276
Cellphone in one hand,
mammoth ball sack in the other,

41
00:01:51,319 --> 00:01:53,070
a Hollywood Reporter between your teeth,

42
00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:56,907
not even breathing so you wouldn't
inhale the fucking piss stench.

43
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,827
Jesus Christ, we're out here cos of Karen,
aren't we?

44
00:01:59,869 --> 00:02:04,081
That's right. The gods have seen fit to give
me another shot with the soul mate.

45
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:07,543
She's in New York feathering the nest,
and I got to be ready for her,

46
00:02:07,585 --> 00:02:11,672
mentally... physically... sexually.

47
00:02:11,714 --> 00:02:14,883
Maybe it's time to stop banging
the entire college campus.

48
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:17,886
Right you are, motherfucker!

49
00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,638
Right as rain.

50
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:22,224
It's time for me to grow up,
do the right thing.

51
00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:24,643
Easier said than done, though, huh?

52
00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:29,481
Nah, Jackie's 23. She's not looking
to make those breasteses exclusive.

53
00:02:29,524 --> 00:02:34,862
And Jill, she knows I got a snip and a baby.
And Felicia, I'm just a daydream to her.

54
00:02:34,904 --> 00:02:36,738
An escape hatch from the deanery.

55
00:02:36,781 --> 00:02:40,075
Shit, I can get this done in one day.
Breakfast, lunch, dinner,

56
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,744
then home for some cybersex
with the soul mate.

57
00:02:42,787 --> 00:02:46,290
- That's not a bad idea.
- You kidding? It's a terrible idea.

58
00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:47,958
The lighting is subpar,

59
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,295
very difficult to properly showcase
one's dangling majesty.

60
00:02:51,337 --> 00:02:53,088
But it sure beats phone-ilingus.

61
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,928
(Knocks)

62
00:03:40,970 --> 00:03:43,138
You wanted to see me, Professor Moody?

63
00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:46,683
Jackie, my prize pupil.
Come on in. Have a seat and shut the door.

64
00:03:46,768 --> 00:03:48,685
Or... or wait. Don't... don't shut the door.

65
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,021
I don't know. What... what do you think?

66
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,857
Well, I think you're more
of a thrill-seeker than I thought

67
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,318
if you want to fuck me with the door open.

68
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,987
I know. You know, I... I think,
as... as you got to know me,

69
00:03:59,030 --> 00:04:01,823
you'd find I was a fuddy-duddy,
just an old-fashioned...

70
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:04,952
Yeah, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.

71
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:07,120
I think we need to spice things up a little bit.

72
00:04:07,163 --> 00:04:09,790
I'm getting sort of tired
of being on top all the time.

73
00:04:09,832 --> 00:04:12,167
Oh, well, don't... don't knock cowgirl.

74
00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:15,879
That's... that's my favourite posish.
I do some of my best work from the bottom.

75
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,464
- You know why?
- Why?

76
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:20,384
I got my hands free.
It's like sexual Bluetooth.

77
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,177
(Jackie laughs)

78
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:25,722
- I missed you. It's been a while.
- Yeah, about that...

79
00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:31,270
- Did you miss me?
- Well, sure I did. Tons.

80
00:04:31,312 --> 00:04:33,689
Um... Look, here's the thing.

81
00:04:33,731 --> 00:04:34,982
- Oh, my God.
- What?

82
00:04:35,024 --> 00:04:37,317
Seriously?

83
00:04:37,360 --> 00:04:40,445
- You're trying to end this thing.
- Uh, a thing, is it?

84
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:43,907
Wow. Well, it sounds to me
like you're dumping me.

85
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,826
That's harsh when you put it that way,

86
00:04:45,868 --> 00:04:49,037
but, uh, that's exactly right,
in a manner of speaking.

87
00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:53,625
- You're lovely, the loveliest of the loveliest.
- This is because of that woman, isn't it?

88
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:57,087
Who was in class the other day.
Your old lady.

89
00:04:57,130 --> 00:04:59,089
That's the woman what done it, yes.

90
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:02,509
So, um... you're back with her now?

91
00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,344
She is the mother of my child.

92
00:05:04,387 --> 00:05:07,931
Oh, and she doesn't mind you
sleeping with students

93
00:05:07,974 --> 00:05:10,600
who aren't very much older than that child?

94
00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,894
Well, that is... low.

95
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:16,773
Oh, coming from the guy who loved my work
and found me oh-so-talented,

96
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,443
but now has grown tired of fucking me.

97
00:05:19,485 --> 00:05:23,238
- Really? Have I... made you feel that way?
- It's cool. Don't sweat it.

98
00:05:23,281 --> 00:05:26,074
It's not like it was serious, right?

99
00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:29,453
- Just fun?
- Fun it was.

100
00:05:29,495 --> 00:05:33,290
- Besides, I'm a sex worker, right?
- What does that mean?

101
00:05:33,333 --> 00:05:36,626
Don't worry about me. I can't get hurt.

102
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:39,504
I'm just a hot piece of stripper ass.

103
00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:43,800
You have your fun with me,
and then you're done. I got it, loud and clear.

104
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:47,262
- I don't like the way that sounds.
- Well, maybe I don't like the way it feels.

105
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,974
- (Sighs) Jackie, I'm sorry.
- (Chuckles) Sorry!

106
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:55,562
I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.

107
00:05:56,939 --> 00:06:00,692
No need to make a fuss.
We can handle this like adults.

108
00:06:00,735 --> 00:06:02,736
In fact, since I'm...

109
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:05,197
...right here...
- Mm-hm.

110
00:06:05,239 --> 00:06:08,033
...why not just, uh, blow you one more time?

111
00:06:08,076 --> 00:06:11,161
Oh. Well...

112
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:14,581
- No, that's really not necessary, no...
- Oh, come on.

113
00:06:14,624 --> 00:06:17,292
Just let the sex worker do
what the sex worker does best.

114
00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:19,544
- No, no, no, no.
- Moody, I...

115
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:22,339
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
what is going on here?

116
00:06:23,591 --> 00:06:26,385
Oh! This is so not what it seems.

117
00:06:26,427 --> 00:06:29,471
I knew it. I knew you were
a depraved lunatic.

118
00:06:29,514 --> 00:06:33,642
Well, that may very well be the case,
but things are not always as they appear.

119
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:36,603
Good God, man, your fly is open.

120
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:39,523
Thank you for embarrassing me
in front of my student.

121
00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,566
What do you have to say
for yourself, Jackie?

122
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:44,736
Well, he said he'd give me an A.

123
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:47,948
Oh, that is some fucked-up
shit right there, woman. Reverse course.

124
00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,908
I'm gonna have you
drawn and quartered.

125
00:06:49,951 --> 00:06:52,160
Maybe Jackie's gonna want
to press charges

126
00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:55,247
against the ageing degenerate who
compromised her college experience.

127
00:06:55,289 --> 00:06:57,749
- Maybe I will.
- (Whispering) What the fuck?

128
00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:01,461
- But I can't.
- Why on earth not?

129
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,296
(Laughing) Cos I was just kidding.

130
00:07:04,507 --> 00:07:07,551
- You were kidding?
- Look, I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous.

131
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,553
He was just giving me notes on a story.

132
00:07:09,637 --> 00:07:12,264
We were talking about the ending,

133
00:07:12,306 --> 00:07:14,474
- actually, of the story, right?
- Mm-hm. Yes.

134
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,518
- And he thinks it's over.
- Right.

135
00:07:16,561 --> 00:07:20,313
- But I know that it's just begun.
- Right.

136
00:07:20,356 --> 00:07:22,482
But don't worry, Dean Koons, really.

137
00:07:22,525 --> 00:07:25,569
He's never done anything
even remotely inappropriate.

138
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:28,071
Really, he's very boring,

139
00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,449
and so not my type.

140
00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:34,286
I like 'em darker, handsomer.

141
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:36,705
God, you have great eyebrows, sir.

142
00:07:36,747 --> 00:07:39,082
A girl could really get lost in those things.

143
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:41,877
- He's got pretty blue eyes, too, doesn't he?
- Gorgeous.

144
00:07:41,919 --> 00:07:44,463
Thank you. Thank you, Jackie.
That's very kind of you.

145
00:07:44,505 --> 00:07:47,215
You're welcome. Thanks for the help.

146
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:49,634
I'll show myself out.

147
00:07:52,430 --> 00:07:55,056
(Door opens)

148
00:07:55,099 --> 00:07:58,351
- You have a thunderous erection now.
- Ohh! Aaagh!

149
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:03,523
I'll close the door, give you some privacy.

150
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:09,196
(Sue) Oh, yeah. That's mama's sweet spot.

151
00:08:09,238 --> 00:08:10,739
Lower. Ah, lower.

152
00:08:10,781 --> 00:08:13,116
Ah! Another two inches,
I'll read your spec script.

153
00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:15,952
(Man) Oh, no, I don't do that.
(Sue) Oh, you're one of those, huh?

154
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:20,248
No happy endings, just cliffhangers.
Well, get the fuck out of here!

155
00:08:20,291 --> 00:08:22,250
I've grown weary. I have work to do.

156
00:08:22,293 --> 00:08:25,295
Runkle! I need you on my carpet!

157
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:30,175
Crazy bitch.

158
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,677
- Morning, Sue.
- Agh!

159
00:08:32,720 --> 00:08:36,765
That guy! Fired up the grill and walked
out of here with an uncooked wiener.

160
00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:38,433
Can you believe that?

161
00:08:38,476 --> 00:08:41,478
It's what happens when Buddhists
commandeer a profession

162
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,648
that rightfully belongs to well-hung Swedes.

163
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:48,985
So it is. What about you?
Have you emptied the chamber today?

164
00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:52,822
- (Chuckles) Well, as a matter of fact...
- Of course you have. You're Runkle.

165
00:08:52,865 --> 00:08:56,117
You'd whack it to a cat
dancing on YouTube.

166
00:08:56,160 --> 00:08:58,578
But I'm in the mood.

167
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:01,706
- Want to fire off another round, huh?
- Phone call for you, Sue.

168
00:09:01,749 --> 00:09:05,293
Rhonda, you know better than to interrupt
me when I'm entertaining a gentleman.

169
00:09:05,336 --> 00:09:08,213
- It's him.
- Him?

170
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,840
- Mm-hm.
- Everybody out.

171
00:09:10,883 --> 00:09:14,219
- Hm.
- Uh-huh.

172
00:09:16,597 --> 00:09:18,431
Mm-hm.

173
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,351
- How you doing?
- Huh.

174
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:24,604
Everything good out here?
You... you hip-pocketing anyone?

175
00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,731
That was always my move as an assistant.

176
00:09:26,774 --> 00:09:29,651
(Scoffs) I know she's seen your penis.

177
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:34,322
Guess what, Rhonda? She's not alone.

178
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,491
11,000 hits on RedTube.

179
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:39,536
- Whoo!
- (Chuckles)

180
00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:42,664
Don't go anywhere, Runkle.
(Breathes deeply)

181
00:09:42,707 --> 00:09:44,457
I need you.

182
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,466
- Jillybean.
- (Laughs)

183
00:09:53,509 --> 00:09:55,302
Nice to see you.

184
00:09:55,344 --> 00:09:57,679
- Wow, classy.
- Ah.

185
00:09:57,722 --> 00:10:01,725
Moody, real tablecloths.
You trying to tell me something?

186
00:10:01,767 --> 00:10:04,561
Cos I didn't even think we were dating,
per se.

187
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:08,273
That's interesting, because...
I've been doing some thinking,

188
00:10:08,316 --> 00:10:09,983
- and I wanted to...
- Yeah, me too.

189
00:10:10,026 --> 00:10:11,401
- You have?
- Mm-hm.

190
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:14,195
- Ladies first.
- Actually, not that much thinking,

191
00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:15,905
just a medium amount of thinking,

192
00:10:15,948 --> 00:10:18,742
cos too much with the thinking,
that does me in.

193
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:23,913
That's how I jinx things. So now I'm just
taking it slow, going day by day.

194
00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:27,626
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
- What were you gonna say?

195
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:32,547
OK.

196
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:35,634
- OK, look, here's the thing.
- Oh, my God.

197
00:10:35,676 --> 00:10:38,553
Oh, my sweet fucking God.

198
00:10:38,596 --> 00:10:40,639
- What?
- Jack.

199
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,515
My egg-waster. Ohh!

200
00:10:42,558 --> 00:10:44,434
- That's the ex dull normal?
- Yeah.

201
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:48,146
The guy I waited half a fucking decade
to propose to me.

202
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,564
- That guy?
- Yes!

203
00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:52,817
And he dumped me,
in a place just like this.

204
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:55,779
- Fucking Italian food.
- Really? That is a dick move.

205
00:10:55,821 --> 00:10:58,114
Yeah. And you know what else?

206
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:01,409
He said it was unethical for him
to keep dating me,

207
00:11:01,452 --> 00:11:04,120
knowing that I wanted
to get married and have kids,

208
00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:06,081
and he wasn't ready for those things.

209
00:11:06,123 --> 00:11:09,959
Well, see, that... that sounds
pretty morally upstanding to me.

210
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,169
- In fact...
- Really?

211
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:14,839
Cos it didn't stop him from having
regular sex with me for five years.

212
00:11:14,882 --> 00:11:18,093
But you could have gotten rid of him.
Wash that man right out of your hair.

213
00:11:18,135 --> 00:11:19,302
Boom! End of problem.

214
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:22,305
Have you ever thought about being
the dumper instead of the dumpee?

215
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:23,682
That's not a bad idea.

216
00:11:23,724 --> 00:11:25,767
- Why don't you practise on me now?
- Oh, my God!

217
00:11:25,810 --> 00:11:28,770
Uhh! She has a ring. Look!
Look at her finger.

218
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,398
Do you see that monstrosity on her finger?

219
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,358
They're fucking engaged!

220
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:34,526
- I, uh...
- Oh!

221
00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:37,195
Oh, my God, I...

222
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,656
- What is my move? What do I do?
- There is no move.

223
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:42,659
- I have to go and say hi.
- No! Fuck, no. You don't say hi.

224
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:46,121
- But that's what normal people do.
- Jill, you've got to get out of your own way.

225
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:50,333
The only thought in your head right now
should be, "Fuck that guy."

226
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:53,461
I'm really starting to think
that's the only piece of advice you have.

227
00:11:53,504 --> 00:11:57,590
- This is what you should do.
- What are you doing?

228
00:11:58,426 --> 00:12:01,010
Oh, my God, Moody. Moody.

229
00:12:02,930 --> 00:12:04,931
- Oh, my God, it is you.
- Yeah?

230
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,475
Yeah, it's me, buddy. Kind of busy here.

231
00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:10,895
Well, excuse me for having the nerve
to come up to you and say hi in public.

232
00:12:10,938 --> 00:12:15,316
Don't blow me off. I just wanted you
to know that I got the test results back.

233
00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:17,694
And, uh, shit,
I hope you have the courage

234
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,863
to inform the rest
of your sexual partners,

235
00:12:19,905 --> 00:12:21,740
because Lord knows I never had the herp

236
00:12:21,782 --> 00:12:25,493
before you blew me until I was shooting
blood at the Palm Springs White Party.

237
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:26,703
Whatever.

238
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,205
I hope you and your... beard

239
00:12:29,248 --> 00:12:31,374
have a wonderful rest of the day.

240
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:32,834
(Snaps fingers)

241
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:36,546
(Laughing)

242
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,470
- Now...
- Oh, God.

243
00:12:43,554 --> 00:12:45,889
OK, can I just tell you
that being incredibly sweet

244
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,099
and sensitive to my situation right now

245
00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,852
is not making me want to fuck you any less.

246
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:53,605
- (Chuckling)
- Let's go, baby.

247
00:12:53,647 --> 00:12:55,607
OK, so here's the thing.

248
00:13:01,781 --> 00:13:05,241
Ugh. He's my life, Charlie.
He's my first client.

249
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:07,577
I can't lose him. I am fucked if I lose him.

250
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,162
Let me handle this for you, Sue.

251
00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:15,877
Knock-knock. Runkle calling.

252
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,379
How you doing there?

253
00:13:18,422 --> 00:13:21,758
Hello, hello. I'm Charlie Runkle and...

254
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:24,636
Are you the law?

255
00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,013
Or are you an outlaw?

256
00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,098
Cos there's only one I can abide.

257
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:31,643
Sue, uh...

258
00:13:31,685 --> 00:13:33,019
Susan.

259
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,148
No harm, man.

260
00:13:37,191 --> 00:13:39,359
Come in peace.

261
00:13:41,403 --> 00:13:44,572
- I owe you an apology.
- Don't do this.

262
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:47,617
Just get your head out of your ass,
and you don't have to apologise.

263
00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:50,703
- Come on, Sue, you know I love you.
- Then why change?

264
00:13:50,746 --> 00:13:54,290
It's... it's not about chasing
some shiny Hollywood dream.

265
00:13:54,333 --> 00:13:59,045
Hell, I've... I've snorted, fucked and smoked
everything Hollywood has to offer.

266
00:14:00,965 --> 00:14:03,091
It's...

267
00:14:03,133 --> 00:14:05,593
It's about my legacy.

268
00:14:05,636 --> 00:14:09,180
These young bulldogs from UTK
came up nipping at my heels,

269
00:14:09,223 --> 00:14:12,350
saying they could put my face
on a salad-dressing bottle

270
00:14:12,393 --> 00:14:14,978
and sell millions for charity.

271
00:14:15,020 --> 00:14:16,855
Paul Newman-type shit.

272
00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:19,315
Shit is exactly what it is.

273
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:23,069
UTK gives that speech
to every potential client over 50.

274
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:26,823
It's how they poach boomers,
by preying on idealism.

275
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,741
Who the fuck are you?

276
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:31,578
I am Charlie Runkle.

277
00:14:31,620 --> 00:14:33,913
You can call me Chuck.

278
00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:37,709
Look, what they want to do is turn you
into a corporate brand, man.

279
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:41,921
Forget Paul Newman. UTK is more likely
to put your name on a McDonald's cup.

280
00:14:41,964 --> 00:14:44,799
- Sue here is the one...
- Stop the vomit.

281
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,304
Listen, Sue.

282
00:14:49,346 --> 00:14:52,849
Did you bring me one of those MBA twerps,
or is this guy a man?

283
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:56,769
- Oh, no. He's a man.
- Right.

284
00:14:57,646 --> 00:15:00,273
Well, then let's settle this like men.

285
00:15:09,950 --> 00:15:11,910
You want me to fight you?

286
00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:15,914
You lick me, I go with her.

287
00:15:15,956 --> 00:15:19,417
I lick you, you will leave the premises.

288
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:22,128
- (Laughing)
- All right, Runkle.

289
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:24,339
- I... wha...
- Ah! Pound him!

290
00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:29,552
- I'm not gonna hit an old man.
- I heard that, pantywaist.

291
00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:32,639
Forget to take your Pamprin this morning?

292
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,018
OK, then.

293
00:15:39,521 --> 00:15:42,106
How do you propose we do this, huh?

294
00:15:42,149 --> 00:15:44,108
We're gonna do it tiger style?

295
00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:46,110
Or do you like the spider, hmm?

296
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:49,364
Hmm? Aah! Unh!

297
00:15:49,406 --> 00:15:52,533
- Come on.
- Sue is Sue!

298
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,452
She believes in people, not brands.

299
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:56,663
She had your back
when you were living in her van.

300
00:15:56,705 --> 00:16:00,124
She'll have it till the day you die. Ow!
That's my fucking bad nipple!

301
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,168
(Both grunting)

302
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:04,796
You want your face
on some salad dressing,

303
00:16:04,838 --> 00:16:07,757
Sue will get you some
motherfucking salad dressing.

304
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:10,259
- Agh!
- Arrgh!

305
00:16:10,302 --> 00:16:12,428
Ohh! God, fuck.

306
00:16:12,471 --> 00:16:14,681
My goddamn sciatica.

307
00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:16,975
Fuck the whimpering dog pack!

308
00:16:17,017 --> 00:16:19,936
Go with the lioness!

309
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,897
- I'm in. Get the fuck off me.
- Oh!

310
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:27,819
- Runkle.
- (Grunts)

311
00:16:27,861 --> 00:16:30,738
- Come on, you.
- (Grunts)

312
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:32,323
- (Grunts)
- Come on.

313
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,993
You almost gave me
a heart attack, you old bear.

314
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:37,704
Oh, Susie, you know
I never would have left you.

315
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:41,916
I didn't want to sign with those UTK guys.

316
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:46,004
They're the laugh of the town, with that
agent that's masturbating all the time.

317
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:48,131
(Laughs) Yeah. Tell me about it.

318
00:16:48,173 --> 00:16:50,383
That place is unsavoury.

319
00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,031
(Gasps) Oh, Professor Moody.

320
00:17:13,073 --> 00:17:14,949
- Oh, you shouldn't have.
- Can I come in?

321
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:17,827
Uh, not the best of times, actually.

322
00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:21,789
Well, I have some important things
to discuss, weighty things...

323
00:17:21,832 --> 00:17:24,333
stuff I'd like to get off my chest.

324
00:17:25,836 --> 00:17:28,046
Well... by all means, then.

325
00:17:28,088 --> 00:17:30,256
(Clears throat)

326
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:33,509
- I really do have a meeting.
- OK, OK.

327
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,094
(Clears throat)

328
00:17:35,137 --> 00:17:37,180
(Inhales sharply) So look, here's the thing.

329
00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:40,600
No. No, no. This is yummier.

330
00:17:40,642 --> 00:17:42,894
You're quitting. I know.

331
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:45,438
You're moving
back to New York, aren't you?

332
00:17:45,481 --> 00:17:46,981
You and Kelly are going to give it

333
00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:48,566
- another go.
- Karen. Karen.

334
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:52,028
Whatever. The point is,
I assumed you'd be moving back.

335
00:17:52,071 --> 00:17:54,989
Not to worry, we'll be fine. Life goes on.

336
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,991
I'm sure I could just cruise
by Home Depot

337
00:17:57,034 --> 00:18:00,286
and find someone
more suitable for the job.

338
00:18:00,329 --> 00:18:02,872
- Hm.
- (Sighs)

339
00:18:02,956 --> 00:18:06,793
Well... you can't say
we didn't give it a shot, right?

340
00:18:06,835 --> 00:18:09,170
We gave it the old college try, didn't we?

341
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:12,090
- Did you, Hank?
- I like to think so.

342
00:18:12,132 --> 00:18:14,509
Oh, well, that's all that matters, then.

343
00:18:14,551 --> 00:18:17,095
You seem rather annoyed with me.

344
00:18:17,137 --> 00:18:21,724
- Ah, it's all for the best, really.
- What's for the best?

345
00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:24,727
Well, seeing as though I made
an absolute fool out of myself,

346
00:18:24,812 --> 00:18:27,563
I can't say that I'm entirely sad
to see you go.

347
00:18:27,606 --> 00:18:30,191
No, it's true, really. You know...

348
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:33,277
I offered myself to you,
and you weren't interested.

349
00:18:33,320 --> 00:18:35,279
Whoa, that's not exactly how it went down.

350
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:39,075
You have some serious relationship issues
to attend to, as do I.

351
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:41,911
And the most that we could have offered
each other is some...

352
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,663
sexual healing.

353
00:18:43,705 --> 00:18:45,957
Pleasures of the flesh
and whatnot, that's all.

354
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:49,585
- But that's exactly what I was looking for.
- Oh, no, no, no. You say that, but...

355
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:51,212
- No, it is.
- No, but... but...

356
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,422
After a while, I would
work my way under your skin

357
00:18:53,465 --> 00:18:55,925
like the slow-moving fungus that I am.

358
00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,427
And you... I've always
been a sucker for a woman

359
00:18:58,470 --> 00:19:01,389
who's a boy on my arm
and a puma in the bedroom.

360
00:19:01,431 --> 00:19:04,642
If only I could have just had one little nibble.

361
00:19:04,685 --> 00:19:08,062
- A nibble's not enough. We both know that.
- Yeah. It's all for the best.

362
00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:10,815
- So we're cool?
- Yes, we're cool.

363
00:19:10,858 --> 00:19:13,109
- (Doorbell)
- OK.

364
00:19:13,152 --> 00:19:14,861
That's my meeting.

365
00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:17,780
You know what? You can go out this door
if it's more convenient.

366
00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,449
But I... my car is right out front,
so why don't I just...

367
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,661
Oh, of course. I'll see you out.
Oh, oh, wait, wait.

368
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:27,623
- David.
- Hey. Ooh.

369
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,417
- Come in.
- You look good.

370
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:32,420
Oh, I'm... I'm sorry. Uh, am I early?
Am I interrupting something?

371
00:19:32,462 --> 00:19:34,213
- Not at all.
- Yeah, well, he kind of is.

372
00:19:34,256 --> 00:19:36,299
Nonsense. Professor Moody
was just leaving.

373
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:39,343
Hank Moody. David Wilder.
Big fan. Big, big fan.

374
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:41,971
David's another of our notorious writers

375
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,848
- at the university.
- Yeah, The Hardest Of Woods.

376
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:44,932
- Yeah.
- I'm aware.

377
00:19:44,975 --> 00:19:47,935
Before you came along, I was in
a fair amount of trouble with this one

378
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:49,729
for bedding the local talent.

379
00:19:49,771 --> 00:19:53,274
- So thanks for taking the pressure off me.
- Ah, you're welcome...

380
00:19:53,317 --> 00:19:55,067
I guess.

381
00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:59,572
Yeah, it's, uh... it's given me a hell of a lot
of time to work on my writing, which is nice.

382
00:19:59,615 --> 00:20:04,202
What I like to do, I like to sit at my desk,
and I like to brew up a big mug of word tea.

383
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:05,703
Word tea? Sure.

384
00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:07,788
You should probably go.
We have work to discuss.

385
00:20:07,831 --> 00:20:12,210
Where... where exactly is, uh...
His Royal Deanness this evening?

386
00:20:12,252 --> 00:20:16,714
Oh, he's out with friends,
recreating, uh, the battle of Chickamauga.

387
00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:20,593
- That's interesting. Very interesting.
- No, it's not, actually. It's dull as shit.

388
00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:24,347
You're doing it, aren't you? Cashing in
your freebie, your marital hall pass.

389
00:20:24,431 --> 00:20:26,307
- I don't know what you mean.
- Yeah, you do.

390
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,769
You'll stick it to the deaner by letting Wilder
show you his hardest of woods.

391
00:20:29,811 --> 00:20:32,813
- I beg your pardon.
- Hey, buddy, that is completely out of line.

392
00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:35,024
Don't do it, Felicia. Don't throw it all away

393
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,693
for a few clumsy minutes
with the poor man's version of me,

394
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:40,279
- the road-show version of me.
- Hey, you know what?

395
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,573
Bragging's not my thing,
but I can go for hours.

396
00:20:42,616 --> 00:20:45,117
Stay and watch. Be my guest.
Maybe she'll take us both on.

397
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:46,994
Hank, this is none of your business.

398
00:20:47,037 --> 00:20:49,664
Even if I was cashing
something in or whatever...

399
00:20:49,706 --> 00:20:52,500
Felicia, don't do it.
Don't... don't... don't chuck it all

400
00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,502
for the fucking Nutty Professor here.

401
00:20:54,586 --> 00:20:56,379
- This is bullshit.
- That is uncalled for.

402
00:20:56,421 --> 00:20:58,089
And we both know that I'm not black.

403
00:20:58,131 --> 00:21:01,968
When was the last time, by the way,
that you published anything, Moody?

404
00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,470
Easy for you to say.
No, no, no, no, no, no. You have no...

405
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:08,432
You got back with your ex-whatever, just as
things were starting to heat up between us.

406
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,768
You know what, Felicia? It's up to you.

407
00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:14,021
You know that I would jump at the
opportunity to make sweet, hard love to you.

408
00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:17,275
You have the... you have the ass
of a ten-year-old boy.

409
00:21:18,402 --> 00:21:22,530
Hank, please, just go.
It's too little, too late. I can't.

410
00:21:24,074 --> 00:21:25,866
Fine. You're a big girl.

411
00:21:27,035 --> 00:21:29,245
You can make your own decisions.

412
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:32,290
Be good to her, Wilder.
She's way out of your league.

413
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:35,293
I concur. Hey, uh, Moody...

414
00:21:35,335 --> 00:21:37,378
I have a book coming out this spring.

415
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:40,464
Do you think maybe
you can write me up a blurb?

416
00:21:40,507 --> 00:21:42,925
What's this one called,
The Buoyancy Of Turds?

417
00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,760
Think about it. I'll send you a copy, OK?

418
00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:50,599
I think he's drunk.

419
00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:03,696
So how do you want to do this?

420
00:22:03,739 --> 00:22:07,408
Do you want to just kick back
and start with a little oral, huh?

421
00:22:07,451 --> 00:22:10,703
Do you want a little bit of this?
Or should I go for a little bit of that?

422
00:22:10,746 --> 00:22:14,749
Because I'll tell you something,
I could eat that peach all night long.

423
00:22:14,791 --> 00:22:17,209
I just camp out...

424
00:22:17,252 --> 00:22:18,627
S'mores.

425
00:22:18,670 --> 00:22:20,588
(Chuckles)

426
00:22:20,630 --> 00:22:23,799
Yeah, I think you'll find that
I'm a very giving and caring lover...

427
00:22:23,842 --> 00:22:25,593
- (Door slams)
- So don't worry...

428
00:22:25,635 --> 00:22:27,720
Fine, I'll do it.

429
00:22:28,805 --> 00:22:31,223
You want to throw your life away, use me.

430
00:22:31,266 --> 00:22:33,809
What? That's the most
ridiculous thing I've...

431
00:22:33,852 --> 00:22:35,561
Please! Go!

432
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:37,897
Mm, mm.

433
00:22:40,859 --> 00:22:42,318
Ohh.

434
00:22:43,612 --> 00:22:46,822
Wilder, go brew yourself
a big mug of word tea...

435
00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:48,949
and dip your balls in it.

436
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:57,458
Huh. Behind The Green Door
is available on Blu-ray.

437
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,418
LaserDisc.

438
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:03,297
People who sold their LaserDiscs
were absolute assholes.

439
00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:05,758
Fools and assholes.

440
00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:07,968
- Oh! What?
- Flip it.

441
00:23:08,011 --> 00:23:10,096
Ah, flip it!

442
00:23:16,436 --> 00:23:18,813
Wow. OK.

443
00:23:21,024 --> 00:23:23,526
So where is the man
of the house this evening?

444
00:23:23,568 --> 00:23:25,319
Berlin.

445
00:23:25,362 --> 00:23:28,739
Think he is bidding
on an Egyptian fertility amulet.

446
00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:30,533
It's quite rare, really.

447
00:23:30,575 --> 00:23:33,536
It's the world's first depiction of a butt plug.

448
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:35,496
Excellent. Excellent.

449
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:37,748
Good for him.

450
00:23:39,668 --> 00:23:42,211
I must toast you.

451
00:23:42,254 --> 00:23:45,131
- What you did today was astonishing.
- Thank you, Sue.

452
00:23:45,215 --> 00:23:47,133
When you started, I thought,

453
00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:49,718
"My God, this man
has diarrhoea of the mouth

454
00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:51,762
"and there is no kaopectate in sight."

455
00:23:51,805 --> 00:23:54,265
But the poetry...

456
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:56,225
that poured out of you...

457
00:23:56,268 --> 00:23:59,103
I mean, you cast your rod,

458
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:01,230
and you hooked the old swordfish,

459
00:24:01,273 --> 00:24:03,858
and you reeled him in by his taint.

460
00:24:03,942 --> 00:24:07,570
To Charles W Runkle, my hero.

461
00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:09,530
No. No.

462
00:24:09,573 --> 00:24:11,907
To you, Sue.

463
00:24:18,832 --> 00:24:20,916
- Ahh.
- Well, look at that.

464
00:24:20,959 --> 00:24:23,461
- So let's get this party started!
- Hm.

465
00:24:23,503 --> 00:24:24,837
Toot?

466
00:24:26,131 --> 00:24:27,756
Uh...

467
00:24:27,841 --> 00:24:30,676
Why not? (Chuckles)

468
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:34,472
Wow, that's, uh...
that's a nice coke straw.

469
00:24:34,514 --> 00:24:36,182
(Clicks tongue) Very classy.

470
00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:39,852
Oh, yeah. It was given to me
by a female member of Fleetwood Mac.

471
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:41,937
(Snorts) Ahh.

472
00:24:41,980 --> 00:24:43,606
Whoo! (Sniffs)

473
00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:46,692
- Stevie Nicks?
- Oh, I can't say.

474
00:24:46,735 --> 00:24:48,569
But it wasn't Christine McVie

475
00:24:48,653 --> 00:24:50,738
or Lindsey Buckingham.

476
00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:52,281
Yeah, Lindsey's a dude.

477
00:24:52,324 --> 00:24:54,533
Exactly.

478
00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:58,746
I have a deviated septum.

479
00:24:58,788 --> 00:25:01,582
Oh. Well, you really shouldn't
touch this stuff at all.

480
00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:04,084
That... that really burns.

481
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:06,504
I want you to do me a solid, Runkle.

482
00:25:06,546 --> 00:25:10,591
I need you to blow this up my bum.

483
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:13,427
You know, a tush toot.

484
00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:16,305
The old coke in the can, huh?

485
00:25:17,641 --> 00:25:19,600
(Laughs) No biggie.

486
00:25:19,643 --> 00:25:22,228
Ha! Heh, no, it's no biggie...

487
00:25:22,270 --> 00:25:24,939
- (Laughing)
- No biggie at all.

488
00:25:24,981 --> 00:25:27,149
(Both laughing)

489
00:25:31,821 --> 00:25:33,322
Got anything a little longer?

490
00:25:33,406 --> 00:25:34,949
- (Laughs)
- We'll use this.

491
00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:42,248
Whoa. Not so fast. Where you going
on a school night, young lady?

492
00:25:42,290 --> 00:25:46,293
Actually, I was hoping
we could go grab some ice cream,

493
00:25:46,336 --> 00:25:49,004
make those Cold Stone guys
work for their tips.

494
00:25:49,047 --> 00:25:51,674
Really? What, like me and you?

495
00:25:51,716 --> 00:25:53,717
Together?

496
00:25:53,760 --> 00:25:56,720
Like father and daughter, almost, together?

497
00:25:56,763 --> 00:25:59,014
To the Stone that is Cold, together?

498
00:25:59,057 --> 00:26:00,766
- (Door opens)
- That's cool.

499
00:26:01,851 --> 00:26:03,602
What the fuck?

500
00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:09,441
Hank! (Chuckles) Mr Moody.

501
00:26:09,484 --> 00:26:12,069
You're not gonna "Mr Hank"
your way out of this one, Chelsea.

502
00:26:12,112 --> 00:26:14,363
- Jesus Christ.
- Becca said you'd be gone.

503
00:26:14,406 --> 00:26:17,741
- Dad, can you please be cool?
- Be cool?

504
00:26:17,784 --> 00:26:21,745
I don't know how much spunk this kid
has deposited all over your bedroom!

505
00:26:22,914 --> 00:26:26,166
OK, that was unsavoury, all right?
But it had to be said. Now, time to go!

506
00:26:30,130 --> 00:26:31,213
Come on, Chelsea.

507
00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:33,841
- Ow.
- You limping, Hank?

508
00:26:33,883 --> 00:26:37,177
Yes, I went jogging this morning, Chelsea,
OK? Now go.

509
00:26:37,220 --> 00:26:40,431
- You're not interested in what I'm doing.
- (Door closes)

510
00:26:40,473 --> 00:26:42,850
Is this really how you want
to spend your school nights?

511
00:26:42,892 --> 00:26:46,854
- I wasn't doing anything wrong.
- You weren't doing anything wrong?

512
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:48,814
Becca, you invited your friends over

513
00:26:48,857 --> 00:26:51,025
to fuck in your bedroom
while you waited outside.

514
00:26:51,067 --> 00:26:52,610
That is disgusting.

515
00:26:52,652 --> 00:26:55,571
And that's hilarious,
coming from you and all.

516
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:57,990
What? I don't understand you.

517
00:26:58,033 --> 00:27:01,869
What the fuck are you thinking?
Do you think this house is a bordello?

518
00:27:06,416 --> 00:27:07,958
OK, look...

519
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:10,085
- Here's the thing.
- Actually, Dad, yes.

520
00:27:10,170 --> 00:27:13,380
This house is a bordello,
because that's how it's run by you!

521
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:15,674
Don't you try to turn
this around on me. Becca!

522
00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:17,760
Becca! Don't go out that door!

523
00:27:18,511 --> 00:27:22,514
Might as well live whatever life I have left
before you ship me off to New York!

524
00:27:22,557 --> 00:27:25,225
Becca. Becca!

525
00:27:26,311 --> 00:27:28,854
- Becca.
- (Door closes)