1 00:00:01,126 --> 00:00:03,460 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:03,503 --> 00:00:06,588 (Hank) This is not a good idea. You're my student. 3 00:00:06,631 --> 00:00:09,133 I really thought you were gonna kiss me just then. 4 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:13,137 I've never stepped outside of my marriage before. 5 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:15,848 I am flattered, but I'm... 6 00:00:16,766 --> 00:00:18,684 What? Were you just gonna leave me behind? 7 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:22,312 The gods have seen fit to give me another shot with the soul mate. 8 00:00:22,355 --> 00:00:23,439 I gotta be ready for her. 9 00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,774 Maybe it's time to stop banging the entire college campus. 10 00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:28,068 Right you are, motherfucker! 11 00:00:28,111 --> 00:00:30,070 You wanted to see me, Professor Moody? 12 00:00:30,113 --> 00:00:33,282 - Look, here's the thing... - Oh, my God. You're trying to end this thing. 13 00:00:33,324 --> 00:00:35,367 - I've been doing some thinking. - Me, too. 14 00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,535 Look, here's the thing. 15 00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:38,162 - You're quitting. I know. - (Doorbell) 16 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,080 - David. - Hey. 17 00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:42,416 You're doing it, aren't you? Cashing in your freebie. 18 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:44,543 - I beg your pardon? - Fine, I'll do it. 19 00:00:44,586 --> 00:00:46,670 You want to throw your life away, use me. 20 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,338 Please! Go! 21 00:00:48,381 --> 00:00:49,590 Ohh! 22 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,728 Come on, show me something. 23 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:05,814 The hint of a nipple, the suggestion of an areola. 24 00:01:05,857 --> 00:01:09,860 We'll start small, we'll take it from there. See how you feel. No pressure... 25 00:01:09,944 --> 00:01:11,653 Unless you want to see my schween! 26 00:01:11,696 --> 00:01:14,865 Because I will totally unfurl for you. I'm not shy. 27 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:18,619 Hank, stop it. Your daughter could walk in any second. 28 00:01:18,661 --> 00:01:20,704 Oh, that's impossible. 29 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:23,082 It's unlikely, but it's not impossible, 30 00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:26,835 and I'm convinced she does not want to see your... schween! 31 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,837 Oh, why you gotta talk to me like that? 32 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:32,591 Besides, there's like 0.0% chance of that happening. 33 00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:36,011 - She's not even on the premises. - Where is she? 34 00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:38,806 - Huh? - Where is she? 35 00:01:38,848 --> 00:01:41,809 Oh. She went down to the liquor store for me. 36 00:01:41,851 --> 00:01:43,769 - (Sighs) - What? Oh, I hear the front door. 37 00:01:43,812 --> 00:01:45,729 - We're gonna have to Skype later. - Hank! 38 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,482 - Do not hang up. Hey! - Honey, you're pixellating. 39 00:01:48,525 --> 00:01:51,360 - Listen, she's with them, right? - What? 40 00:01:51,402 --> 00:01:53,695 - She's with them. - Them? 41 00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:56,615 They're not an alien race bent on intergalactic domination. 42 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,118 Well, how do you know that? Do you have proof? 43 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,745 No, but you're right. Maybe I should check the grounds. 44 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:05,415 Perhaps there's some sort of portal somewhere in the topiary. 45 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,875 OK, I'm gonna sign off. 46 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:09,795 No, no, no, come on. No virtual sexy time? 47 00:02:09,838 --> 00:02:12,631 Look, I'll start, and you can join in whenever you want. 48 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,342 No, you know what? You kind of broke the spell. 49 00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:17,344 You know, you blew it. 50 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,555 You were agin it when you thought she was here, 51 00:02:19,597 --> 00:02:21,640 and also now you think she's with the Tudors. 52 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:24,017 I can't win with you, woman. 53 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:29,439 Oh, yeah. Yes! 54 00:02:29,482 --> 00:02:32,901 Yes? That's it. Oh. 55 00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,945 There you go. Oh, yeah, come on. 56 00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:40,367 Whoa, oh! God damn you, that's unfair. 57 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:42,995 To say nothing of bad for my prostate. 58 00:02:43,037 --> 00:02:45,122 Skypus interruptus. 59 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:49,126 (Knock at door) 60 00:02:55,049 --> 00:02:57,009 (Knocking) 61 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:03,140 Want to party? 62 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:04,391 Hi. 63 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:55,734 (Ringing and vibrating) 64 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,994 (Groans) 65 00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:12,000 (Ringing continues) 66 00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:24,846 Hello. 67 00:04:35,441 --> 00:04:37,192 (Sighs) 68 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,533 Wake up, sleepyhead. You don't want to be late for class. 69 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:47,619 - (Moans) - I remember killing that bottle of Jack, 70 00:04:47,662 --> 00:04:51,373 but I do not recall you making the sex with Betty and Veronica here. 71 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:54,042 Oh, no, they, uh... 72 00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:57,421 They pretty much just amused themselves. Could you blame a girl, though? 73 00:04:57,463 --> 00:05:00,299 It's not like you wanted to have anything to do with us. 74 00:05:00,341 --> 00:05:03,260 Want has nothing to do with it. I'm trying to be a good boy, you know? 75 00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,512 Mm, I don't see what's so good about it. 76 00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:09,766 It's a waste of perfectly lovely private parts if you ask me. 77 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,146 You never told me what you were celebrating last night. 78 00:05:14,188 --> 00:05:17,482 Oh, yeah, that. My last dance. 79 00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,819 - I'm done. - With what? 80 00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:24,364 - The stripping. - Oh, wow, you don't say. 81 00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,950 - Really? - Yep. I'm out. 82 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,828 No more grinding up on middle-aged hard-ons for me, 83 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,580 except for yours, of course. 84 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:33,498 Who you calling middle-aged? 85 00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:36,460 You, my old dude boyfriend. 86 00:05:36,502 --> 00:05:39,963 Oh, stop it. You're gonna make me blush. 87 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,798 So what is next for you? 88 00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:44,384 Writing. I'm gonna give it a shot. 89 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:46,887 I mean, fuck, it's what makes me the happiest, right? 90 00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,806 Who cares if I die poor, drunk, and alone? 91 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:53,310 Well, who's to say that you're not gonna end up like that anyway? 92 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:57,481 Mm. Well, thank you for showing me the light, Teach. 93 00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:00,484 Well, it's been my pleasure and an honour. 94 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:04,738 Just happy that my half-baked wisdom could assist you in any way... 95 00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:07,032 Oh, no. 96 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,493 Don't tell me you're trying to break up with me again. 97 00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:13,080 Well, to be fair and balanced, the term "breaking up" implies 98 00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,457 that once upon a time, we were together. 99 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:19,086 OK, so then, just to be clear, 100 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:22,422 the sheer amount of no-holds-barred sex that we've been having recently 101 00:06:22,465 --> 00:06:25,550 does not indicate a certain level of intimacy. 102 00:06:25,593 --> 00:06:29,137 Sure. Sure, it does. What's your point? 103 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:32,432 God, for someone who loves women so much, 104 00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:34,684 you sure don't understand them very well. 105 00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:38,313 I know this seems all Bridges Of Madison County right now, but... 106 00:06:38,356 --> 00:06:42,109 - Oh. (Laughs) - It's really more of a rite of passage for you. 107 00:06:42,151 --> 00:06:45,112 Every comely college-age undergrad has an... 108 00:06:45,154 --> 00:06:48,407 an affair with her favourite middle-aged professor. 109 00:06:48,449 --> 00:06:50,075 - Oh. - Even my old lady had one, 110 00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,119 and it used to bum me out, but now I get it. 111 00:06:52,161 --> 00:06:54,496 It's like she was fucking me before she met me. 112 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,581 (Phone) 113 00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,419 Her ass is ringing. Here, will you hold this? 114 00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:08,009 (Ringing) 115 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:15,100 Oh, I should take this somewhere else. Santa Monica, perhaps. 116 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:18,145 - Tell her I said hi. - I will not. 117 00:07:18,187 --> 00:07:20,272 City morgue. You kill 'em, we chill 'em. 118 00:07:20,314 --> 00:07:22,441 Hey, did she get off to school OK? 119 00:07:22,483 --> 00:07:25,777 - One would hope. Jesus. - Well, that's not very comforting. 120 00:07:25,820 --> 00:07:28,697 Oh, well, you know, the peoples of the dean, they are many things, 121 00:07:28,739 --> 00:07:30,490 but not punctual is not one of them. 122 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:32,826 - Don't worry so much. - I tried to check in with her. 123 00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:36,872 I texted, I checked her Twitter page. I got nothing. I mean, no response. 124 00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:40,500 Duh, we're ruining her life, remember? Or maybe it's game day for the crimson tide. 125 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,627 You know how edgy you get when Aunt Flo's in town. 126 00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:44,671 Hank, are you trying to piss me off? 127 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:49,342 You see? Is it... is it arts and crafts week at panty camp for you, too? 128 00:07:49,385 --> 00:07:51,928 - Hank! - What was that? 129 00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:53,930 - (Mouthing) - Uh, what was what? 130 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:55,515 Someone just said "Hank". 131 00:07:55,558 --> 00:07:59,269 No, that was, uh, the cleaning lady. The cleaning lady, that was. 132 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,439 Oh, so since when did we have a cleaning lady? 133 00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:04,524 Uh, soon. Recently. 134 00:08:04,567 --> 00:08:07,569 She doesn't appear to be dusting. The place is a mess. 135 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,946 You saw that shit. It's fucked up. I gotta go. 136 00:08:10,531 --> 00:08:12,782 - What the fuck is this? - She won't wake up. 137 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:15,202 - Shitness. Is she dead? - I don't know. 138 00:08:15,244 --> 00:08:17,871 Ooh, that's some intense morning breath. 139 00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:21,208 Cheez Doodles and beer. Midnight snack of champions. 140 00:08:21,250 --> 00:08:24,669 - She's breathing. What'd she take? - I have no idea. 141 00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:28,256 - She's like a walking pharmacy, this one. - She took some X. We both did. 142 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,799 (Knock at door) 143 00:08:34,138 --> 00:08:35,847 (Knocking) 144 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:45,148 - Top of the morning, chumly. - Ho, what the fuck do you want? 145 00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:47,108 - This guy know who I am? - Course he does. 146 00:08:47,151 --> 00:08:49,861 You met at my place, shared a meal, in fact. Broke some bread. 147 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:52,030 Where's the respect? Why's he being a douche? 148 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:54,115 Hey, watch it, Rick Springfield. I'm in no mood. 149 00:08:54,158 --> 00:08:57,244 Yo! Hey, studs, step back. No need for a cockfight. 150 00:08:57,286 --> 00:08:59,079 We're here to see about the Porsche, OK? 151 00:08:59,121 --> 00:09:02,415 You're selling, Rick's looking to buy. We set this up last night, remember? 152 00:09:02,458 --> 00:09:04,626 Yes, I remember now, but can we reschedule? 153 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:06,503 I've got a comatose stripper in my bed. 154 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,798 Ha! I been there. Can I help? 155 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,889 - (Thud) - Oh, ooh! Ooh! 156 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,891 - Ow! - Man, you hear that? Ha! 157 00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:22,852 Nothing like the sound of a stripper's head on a hardwood floor. 158 00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,773 - What the fuck is wrong with you? - What? Oh, you don't rough 'em up? 159 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,775 Oh, excuse me, George Bailey. 160 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,695 Get a load of this guy. Last fuckin' boy scout over here. 161 00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,030 ♪ Jessie is a friend 162 00:09:34,073 --> 00:09:36,700 ♪ Yeah, I know he's been a good friend of mine ♪ 163 00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,786 Charlie, get this ass clown out of here before I start swinging. 164 00:09:39,829 --> 00:09:43,164 Oh, yeah? You want to throw down, bad boy, huh? 165 00:09:43,207 --> 00:09:45,750 You think you can take this? Guess what? 166 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:49,421 - I shit a pint of blood this morning. - Why? 167 00:09:49,463 --> 00:09:52,340 Charlie, could you get this girl out of here for me? 168 00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:56,428 I don't know. This is kind of dirty business. You know, it's a little shady for me. 169 00:09:56,470 --> 00:09:58,346 When was the last time I asked for something? 170 00:09:58,389 --> 00:10:01,683 What? I got you those reservations you wanted that time at Mr Chow's. 171 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:05,520 Yes, you did, spring of 2003. I remember. I was still with Karen back then. 172 00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:09,524 You think that shit is easy? Try it sometime. Restaurant people can be very dismissive. 173 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,901 OK, all right, all right. Here's how it's gonna go. 174 00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:15,572 Me and Rick will take her to the ER, see what's what, leave your name out of it. 175 00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:19,492 And while we're there, we should really look into why you're shitting so much blood. 176 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,161 Let's go. 177 00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:25,123 Easy does it, easy does it. 178 00:10:25,166 --> 00:10:27,250 (Grunting) 179 00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:30,128 (Charlie) Narrow doorway. Safety first. 180 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:33,256 - You're Rick Springfield, aren't you? - That's right, tiny dancer. 181 00:10:33,299 --> 00:10:35,508 You look familiar. You ever shake your ass for me? 182 00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:39,179 No, but my mom did, back in the day. I think you guys boned. 183 00:10:39,221 --> 00:10:41,640 Right on. She say good things about my big ten-inch? 184 00:10:41,682 --> 00:10:43,558 She said you refused to put a rubber on it. 185 00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,353 That's right, baby. Skin on skin, let the love begin. 186 00:10:46,395 --> 00:10:49,272 Oh, hey, watch what the fuck you're doing, Rick Springfield. 187 00:10:51,275 --> 00:10:55,737 You know what? I've just about had it with this guy and his snotty fucking comments. 188 00:10:55,780 --> 00:10:58,239 I will fuck you till your ass bleeds, cowboy. 189 00:10:58,282 --> 00:11:01,701 Thank God, cos I don't think that's gonna take very long. 190 00:11:01,744 --> 00:11:03,662 - (Knock at door) - Fuck! 191 00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:07,457 Really? 192 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,543 Shit. 193 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:20,553 I know you're in there, Hank Moody. I heard the footsteps. Open up. 194 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,436 Get in the bedroom. Back in the bedroom. 195 00:11:37,154 --> 00:11:40,156 - Jilly! - (Laughs) Good morning. 196 00:11:40,199 --> 00:11:42,826 Good mor... Just stopping by, huh? Look at you. 197 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,537 Yeah, I figured I'd catch you before you left for work. 198 00:11:45,579 --> 00:11:46,996 - Caught me you did. - Uh-huh. 199 00:11:47,039 --> 00:11:48,123 - You caught me. - Yeah. 200 00:11:48,165 --> 00:11:51,167 It's a pretty safe bet, considering you're almost always late. 201 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,503 - (Laughing) - You gonna invite me in, or what? 202 00:11:53,546 --> 00:11:57,090 (Laughs) I have something I want to tell you. 203 00:11:57,174 --> 00:12:00,009 - I have news, really big news. - OK, all right, but can it wait? 204 00:12:00,052 --> 00:12:01,720 I was just about to jump in the shower. 205 00:12:01,762 --> 00:12:05,056 - Perfect. I'll join you and fill you in there. - No, no, no. 206 00:12:05,099 --> 00:12:07,976 I thought we agreed to stop those kind of shenanigans for now. 207 00:12:08,018 --> 00:12:11,479 - Yeah, but that's what I want to talk about. - OK. I'm gonna grab some coffee. 208 00:12:11,522 --> 00:12:14,149 - Would you like some coffee? Cos... - Ah, not so much. 209 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:17,610 - I just brushed and had a couple of Altoids. - Oh, nice, but I'd like a cup. 210 00:12:17,653 --> 00:12:21,489 All right. Go on, go on, and just meet me in the boudoir when you get it. 211 00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:23,908 No, no! Don't go in there. 212 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:27,245 - Why? - Just please don't. 213 00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,290 Oh, my God, do you have a fucking girl in there? 214 00:12:31,459 --> 00:12:36,337 Give a guy some credit. Maybe he just laid down some serious wolf bait. 215 00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,967 I just took my morning dump. It reeks to high heaven in there. 216 00:12:41,010 --> 00:12:42,844 - Lovely. - Yeah, it was. 217 00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:46,931 An almost perfect bowel movement. Clean as a whistle, barely had to wipe. 218 00:12:46,974 --> 00:12:50,685 - But you did, right? - I'm not a fucking animal. Of course I did. 219 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,229 What was it that you wanted to talk about, doll? 220 00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:56,316 - I've been doing some thinking. - Oh, you mean some over-thinking. 221 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:58,943 (Laughs) Shut up, you. 222 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,237 - You! - Yes? 223 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:03,740 - I accept you. - What? 224 00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,701 (Laughs) No, I accept you for who you are. 225 00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:10,038 Oh, you accept me. Thanks, I guess. 226 00:13:10,122 --> 00:13:12,373 - You're not listening, stupid. - I'm listening. 227 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:15,710 I accept you for who you are. I don't want to change you. 228 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,923 - (Coffee maker beeps) - I think we work well together, you know? 229 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:23,927 Kid or no kid, snip or no snip, I want to be with you. 230 00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,888 - I spent years idolising... - Sure you don't want some coffee? 231 00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,432 No. I think I was in love with the idea of love. 232 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:30,892 - Tea? - No, thanks. 233 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:34,187 - I like what we have. - Are you hungry? 234 00:13:34,230 --> 00:13:38,608 No, but now I know that I'm in love with you. 235 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,860 I'm in love with you, Hank Moody. 236 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:44,823 - (Laughs) Oh, Jill. - (Jill laughs) 237 00:13:44,865 --> 00:13:46,866 This... it's w... but... 238 00:13:46,909 --> 00:13:50,703 No, don't "but" me. Don't "but" me now. 239 00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:52,997 Ho! 240 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,084 Yeah, or I just might butt you back. 241 00:13:56,126 --> 00:13:57,669 (Knock at door) 242 00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:02,632 Fuck! OK, you hold that very naked thought. 243 00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:05,760 Yeah. 244 00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,479 - ♪ Who is it? ♪ - It's Felicia. 245 00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:20,149 - Oh! Felicia? Fuck. - Fuck, yeah. You'll be cool? 246 00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:22,026 - OK. - All right. 247 00:14:22,069 --> 00:14:24,279 - Stay in there. - Oh! 248 00:14:24,321 --> 00:14:26,197 Whoo! 249 00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:33,746 - Good morning. - Good morning to you. 250 00:14:33,789 --> 00:14:37,584 - (Sighs) I can't stop thinking about it. - What? 251 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,044 Oh. Oh, that. 252 00:14:40,087 --> 00:14:42,505 - Mm, you liked that, did you? - I did. 253 00:14:42,548 --> 00:14:45,758 That was some very intense and powerful love-making, Hank. 254 00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:47,886 Mm. 255 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,598 - What's wrong? - Not a big fan of that term. 256 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,349 Love-making, making love. 257 00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:57,312 I prefer boning, stuffing, schtupping, banging, 258 00:14:57,354 --> 00:14:59,230 porking, boffing. 259 00:14:59,273 --> 00:15:00,523 (Smacking lips) 260 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:03,109 Anything, take your pick, just not love-making. 261 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,028 So much for the afterglow. 262 00:15:05,070 --> 00:15:07,447 All right, so what can I do for you this AM? 263 00:15:10,242 --> 00:15:12,243 - I told him. - Him? 264 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,665 Fuck. Please tell me that by "him" you mean your therapist? 265 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,876 No such luck, I'm afraid. 266 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,962 Felicia, why on earth would you do something like that? 267 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:24,380 He knew, Hank. 268 00:15:24,423 --> 00:15:27,216 He saw it in my face. The pure joy, 269 00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:30,595 the glow of a freshly fucked and properly tended-to woman. 270 00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:32,555 So I told him. I came clean. 271 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:35,308 It felt so good. It was the right thing to do. 272 00:15:35,851 --> 00:15:40,396 - Jesus fuck. - Jesus fuck is right. Guess what? 273 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:43,358 - What? - I'm leaving him. 274 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,151 Oh, no! Oh, no, you're not! 275 00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:48,071 Yes, I am. Stacy and I don't make sense any more. 276 00:15:48,113 --> 00:15:51,240 We haven't for quite some time now, and I was thinking, life is short. 277 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:54,911 Fuck it. I want to spend the rest of my days with someone I feel passionate about, 278 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:56,496 someone who gives me butterflies, 279 00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:59,040 and for better or for worse, Hank, that someone is you. 280 00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:01,125 Whoa, whoa, just slow the fuck down, Felicia. 281 00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:04,379 One session of love-making, no matter how inspired or transcendent, 282 00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:05,755 does not a relationship make. 283 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:07,882 - What about the Chelsea? - What about her? 284 00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:10,343 I don't care how bratty or snotty that little shit is, 285 00:16:10,427 --> 00:16:12,053 she doesn't deserve a broken home. 286 00:16:12,096 --> 00:16:14,931 Oh, she'll get over it. Becca's clearly weathered the storm. 287 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,308 No, she hasn't. She's totally fucked up, that kid. 288 00:16:17,351 --> 00:16:18,851 Karen and I made a huge mistake. 289 00:16:18,894 --> 00:16:21,104 We should have stayed together at all costs for her. 290 00:16:21,146 --> 00:16:24,273 But we were stubborn, and we were foolish, retarded, young... 291 00:16:24,316 --> 00:16:27,235 - Shut up and make love to me already. - Oh. 292 00:16:27,277 --> 00:16:30,780 Or you can fuck me, bang me, stuff me. Take your pick. 293 00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:37,745 - Who's that? - That'd be my agent, my representation. 294 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:42,583 Charlie Runkle, Felicia Koons. 295 00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,961 Oh, hey, hey, hey, the dean's wife. 296 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:46,713 - Mm-hm. - Oh, shit. 297 00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:49,924 - Nice to meet you, missus. - Lovely to meet you. 298 00:16:54,805 --> 00:16:56,681 So where were we? 299 00:16:56,724 --> 00:16:58,808 I was leaving my husband for you. 300 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,439 Hold on a second. 301 00:17:10,237 --> 00:17:13,614 Whoo-hoo! (Laughing) 302 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,285 Hey, come on, man, you want to get in on this? 303 00:17:17,327 --> 00:17:20,621 - You guys are fucking foul. - You sure? We got an open hole. 304 00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:23,249 Sweetheart, you OK? 305 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,002 Don't worry. They're paying for it... handsomely. 306 00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,254 Well, I'm paying for it very handsomely. 307 00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,215 Hey, I left my wallet at home. Don't be such a fucking schnorr. 308 00:17:31,258 --> 00:17:34,218 Jesus. I'm losing my wood. Come on, say it, baby, say it. 309 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:37,680 - I'm getting fucked by Rick Springfield. - (Rick laughing) 310 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:40,099 ♪ You better love somebody ♪ 311 00:17:40,142 --> 00:17:42,018 Whoo! 312 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:46,022 ♪ It's late, you better love somebody ♪ 313 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,525 - You OK out here? What are you doing? - What does it look like? 314 00:17:49,568 --> 00:17:52,945 Oh, that? I got an apartment full of classics, and you gotta go with that one? 315 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:55,406 What's the big deal? I've heard good things. 316 00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:57,992 Yeah? Well, what do you think? Thoughts, criticisms? 317 00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:01,454 - What do you got? - I like it, a lot. She's a good writer. 318 00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:03,164 My kind of girl, obviously. 319 00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:05,875 So, uh, can we leave yet? 320 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,503 Uh, no, I still got some fires to put out. 321 00:18:08,545 --> 00:18:11,422 OK. Are you proud of me for quitting? 322 00:18:11,465 --> 00:18:14,550 Absolutely. You done good, kiddo. 323 00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:16,094 Thanks. 324 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:20,264 Hey, don't think we're done with the boyfriend-girlfriend conversation just yet. 325 00:18:30,025 --> 00:18:31,067 Hello, Hank. 326 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,781 - Morning, Stacy. - The front door was open. 327 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,909 Oh, I can be very neighbourly that way. 328 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:43,079 You never called me Stacy before. Wonder why. 329 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,915 I don't know. Just rolled trippingly off the tongue today. 330 00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:50,211 Oh, something must be different. Oh, that's right. You fucked my wife. 331 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,880 OK. Well, there's that. 332 00:18:52,923 --> 00:18:56,175 What could you say? What could you possibly say, Hank, 333 00:18:56,218 --> 00:18:59,554 to take away the hurt and the pain of being cuckolded? 334 00:19:01,390 --> 00:19:04,058 I got nothin'. I got nothin' at all. 335 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,311 Uh, I'm sorry. The well is dry. 336 00:19:07,354 --> 00:19:09,188 I think you should hit me. Want to hit me? 337 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,482 Head, gut, it doesn't matter. It's only fair. 338 00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:13,276 No, I don't want to hit you, Hank. 339 00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:15,486 I just want to try to understand, how do you do it? 340 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:19,866 - Do what? - Well, you obviously have this... this... 341 00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:23,286 this thing with women, some very strong connection, 342 00:19:23,328 --> 00:19:27,999 that no matter what you do, no matter how big of an ass you are, they seem to respond. 343 00:19:28,041 --> 00:19:31,002 - You're a goddamn girl whisperer. - OK. 344 00:19:31,044 --> 00:19:33,296 Have you listened to your wife lately? 345 00:19:33,338 --> 00:19:36,007 She gives every indication of being a woman scorned. 346 00:19:36,049 --> 00:19:38,676 Far be it from me to poke my nose into the dean's business, 347 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,012 but it seems to me like you hurt her first. 348 00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:44,390 You're right, I did. 349 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:45,933 I was weak. I cheated. 350 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:48,394 - Well... - Stepped outside my marriage. 351 00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:51,731 - Humiliated my better half. - Yeah. It happens. 352 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:54,442 But she was so hot, Hank, this student of mine. 353 00:19:54,526 --> 00:19:56,277 - You should have seen her. - Dean-o. 354 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,446 - A priest would have defiled this girl. - Wow. 355 00:19:58,488 --> 00:20:01,073 You might want to keep those kind of details to yourself. 356 00:20:01,116 --> 00:20:03,242 Oh, Felicia is wonderful. 357 00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,703 A beautiful wife, a beautiful mother. 358 00:20:05,746 --> 00:20:08,206 I was in love with her the first moment I set eyes on her. 359 00:20:08,248 --> 00:20:11,459 I knew she was the one. She was always a little reserved in the sack. 360 00:20:11,501 --> 00:20:13,044 - The British, you know. - Yeah. 361 00:20:13,086 --> 00:20:15,171 There was never a surplus of oral, 362 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:18,007 and whatever there was dried up right after the wedding. 363 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:19,926 - OK. - I never understood that. 364 00:20:19,968 --> 00:20:22,511 - Yeah. Here you go. - A man likes to get his dick sucked. 365 00:20:22,554 --> 00:20:24,096 Well, you know. 366 00:20:24,139 --> 00:20:26,599 Maybe if you took a goddamn shower once in a while. 367 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,976 Do you really think a woman wants to go down on a man 368 00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,853 who just walked in off the tennis court? 369 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,813 Or just came in from a ride, huh? 370 00:20:32,856 --> 00:20:37,276 You think I want to peel off those sweaty bike shorts and go to town? Disgusting! 371 00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:40,363 I'm sorry, Felicia, but that just so happens to be 372 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:43,366 when this man is at his horniest, you know that. 373 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:46,744 - Have you heard of compromise? - Compromise. I like where this is going. 374 00:20:46,787 --> 00:20:49,038 Divorce court, that's where this is going. 375 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:50,539 What are you doing here anyway? 376 00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:52,625 A free pass means once, no repeat business. 377 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,460 We're gonna discuss this in therapy. 378 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,128 - Just you watch. - Excellent idea. 379 00:20:56,171 --> 00:20:59,215 - Therapise the fuck out of this shit. - And you're coming with us. 380 00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,259 - Oh, that's an awful idea. - It is awful. 381 00:21:01,301 --> 00:21:03,219 Do you know how much of my life I've wasted 382 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,429 pretending we can jabber through our issues? 383 00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:08,140 No more, Stacy. No more. 384 00:21:08,183 --> 00:21:10,017 I'm in love with someone else. 385 00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:12,103 Yee... 386 00:21:12,145 --> 00:21:14,355 Are you in love with my wife, Hank? 387 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:19,360 That's a ridiculous question. 388 00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:22,655 Well, she seems to be in love with you. Do you feel the same? 389 00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:27,535 - Feel the same? - Do you love her? 390 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,250 (Door shuts) 391 00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:36,294 (Laughs) 392 00:21:36,336 --> 00:21:39,630 - What do we have here? - What are you doing home? 393 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:42,925 - School closed? What is it, a snow day? - What are you guys doing here? 394 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,594 I believe that question should be directed at you, young lady. 395 00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:49,682 - Copy that, motherfucker. - I left one of my books here. I needed it. 396 00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:52,810 Well, you could have called me. I would have brought it to you. 397 00:21:52,853 --> 00:21:55,896 I'm gonna take you right back to school now, you little guttersnipe. 398 00:21:55,939 --> 00:22:00,109 No more double-talk. I'm taking your lying, no-account ass back to school, pronto. 399 00:22:00,152 --> 00:22:03,237 - Excellent idea. Let's go. - Wait a second. Why are you guys here? 400 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:06,365 - Actually, we were chatting about you. - Yes. 401 00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:08,617 We were talking about your offensive behaviours, 402 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:12,246 which apparently seem now to be not so unjustified, do they? 403 00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:14,582 Hey, Becca. Becca? 404 00:22:19,796 --> 00:22:22,256 - Dad? - Yes, daughter? 405 00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:26,010 Why is there a naked lady in my bedroom? 406 00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,303 Is that my kimono? 407 00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:28,596 - (Chelsea laughs) - Yeah. 408 00:22:28,638 --> 00:22:31,140 - Way to go, Hank. - (Felicia) Oh, my God. 409 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:35,394 Were you sleeping with your TA the whole time you were sleeping with me? 410 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:38,522 - What? Mom! - Well, to be fair, it was only the once. 411 00:22:38,565 --> 00:22:41,942 - Bullshit. - No, I was referring to Flea and I. 412 00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:44,737 - I counted three times. - Oh, all in one night doesn't count. 413 00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,947 Your dad's fucking my mom. 414 00:22:46,990 --> 00:22:50,993 - Dad, anything to say about this? - I think this calls for a family meeting. 415 00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,411 - Good thinking. - Oh, anyway? 416 00:22:52,454 --> 00:22:55,331 - (Smoke alarm beeping) - (Charlie) What is it? Oh, whoa! Oh! 417 00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,583 - Oh, boy. - Oh, my God! 418 00:22:57,626 --> 00:22:58,834 (Muttering) 419 00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:01,629 What the fuck? Is that Rick Springfield? 420 00:23:01,671 --> 00:23:03,672 You bet your khaki-clad ass, white man. 421 00:23:03,715 --> 00:23:05,800 - Oh, holy shit. - You a fan? 422 00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:07,885 Where the fuck's that fire extinguisher? 423 00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:10,596 - Hey, what's up, sweetheart? - (Charlie) Sorry. 424 00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:13,974 Oh, you have got to be shitting me. 425 00:23:14,017 --> 00:23:16,268 Please tell me you have not been fucking her. 426 00:23:16,311 --> 00:23:18,312 Hey, whoa, not in front of the children. 427 00:23:18,355 --> 00:23:22,191 And not last night. I was being good. I was an officer and a gentleman. Tell her. 428 00:23:22,234 --> 00:23:25,486 - (Charlie) Are these my pants? - Wait, who else has he been fucking? 429 00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:29,073 You? Oh, gross. 430 00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:31,867 - (Charlie) Sorry, man, I just... - So you, too, then? 431 00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:33,994 God, no. Thanks. He's just fucking my mom. 432 00:23:34,037 --> 00:23:36,288 - Chelsea, watch your mouth. - Dad, seriously? 433 00:23:36,331 --> 00:23:39,500 Man up and grow a pair already. You're gonna let this asshole steal your wife? 434 00:23:39,543 --> 00:23:42,545 - Hey! That's my father you're talking about. - Thank you, Becca. 435 00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:45,965 - I can't believe I quit stripping for you. - I still think it's a solid move. 436 00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:49,635 Now, if you'll all excuse me, I appear to have an actual fire to put out. 437 00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,849 - Sorry about that, dude. - That's Rick Springfield. 438 00:24:03,191 --> 00:24:05,901 (Alarm beeping) 439 00:24:15,996 --> 00:24:18,998 - OK. - (Moaning) 440 00:24:37,642 --> 00:24:40,311 Come on, honey, we should really get you to school. 441 00:24:40,353 --> 00:24:42,480 I can't believe you slept with all of them. 442 00:24:42,522 --> 00:24:46,650 - It's not that simple, sweetheart. - All of them. 443 00:24:46,693 --> 00:24:49,904 Yes, I suppose I did. Yeah. 444 00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:51,655 Why? 445 00:24:51,698 --> 00:24:53,949 I don't know. I don't know. 446 00:24:53,992 --> 00:24:57,077 That's not good enough. I want to know why. 447 00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,997 There has to be a reason. Make me understand. 448 00:25:02,584 --> 00:25:05,544 - It just sort of happened. - Why do you do things like that? 449 00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,006 Because I'm an idiot, obviously. 450 00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:13,511 No, you're not allowed to feel sorry for yourself, not right now. 451 00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:15,304 You need to talk to me. 452 00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:18,349 You need to tell me why you do the things you do 453 00:25:18,391 --> 00:25:21,477 when you know that people can get seriously hurt, 454 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,145 myself included. 455 00:25:24,439 --> 00:25:27,525 God damn it, I hate it when you're mad at me. 456 00:25:27,567 --> 00:25:29,735 I'm not mad at you. 457 00:25:29,778 --> 00:25:33,239 You wouldn't get mad at a big, dumb dog for shitting on the rug, would you? 458 00:25:33,281 --> 00:25:36,116 I would, but I'm a harsh taskmaster. That's just me. 459 00:25:36,159 --> 00:25:39,078 What do you want me to take away from this, from how you treat women? 460 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:43,082 - Oh, Jesus. - Is that all they are to you, walking vaginas? 461 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:51,882 There's no excuse for my behaviour. 462 00:25:51,925 --> 00:25:55,427 There's no defence if somebody got hurt, especially you. 463 00:25:55,470 --> 00:25:58,722 But I need you to know that I started out with the best of intentions. 464 00:25:59,975 --> 00:26:03,102 I guess I just wanted them all to see it, 465 00:26:03,144 --> 00:26:05,229 the thing that makes them special. 466 00:26:06,731 --> 00:26:10,442 I guess that's all anybody wants is to be seen, to be recognised. 467 00:26:12,153 --> 00:26:14,071 Then the lines get blurry, 468 00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:17,366 and the fact that your mom and I are in such a weird place. 469 00:26:18,827 --> 00:26:22,955 Yeah. Hence the big stinking mess. 470 00:26:24,916 --> 00:26:27,543 But I'm sorry if I let you down, sweetie, 471 00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:31,714 and I don't know how much more I'm gonna be able to say I'm sorry 472 00:26:31,756 --> 00:26:35,259 before it doesn't mean anything any more. 473 00:26:36,386 --> 00:26:39,138 I don't know, either. 474 00:26:39,180 --> 00:26:41,682 But I have this funny feeling we're gonna find out. 475 00:26:41,725 --> 00:26:43,767 (Phone) 476 00:26:50,775 --> 00:26:52,901 Hey, honey. 477 00:26:52,944 --> 00:26:56,363 Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's, uh, at school... 478 00:26:56,406 --> 00:26:59,158 receiving her education. 479 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:04,204 Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm gonna pick her up and take her to get some ice cream. 480 00:27:04,247 --> 00:27:06,415 Shoot the shit, bridge the gap. 481 00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:09,126 Just like old times. Mm-hm. Yeah. 482 00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:14,340 Well, I love you, too. 483 00:27:14,382 --> 00:27:17,384 Skype you later? All right. 484 00:27:22,182 --> 00:27:26,018 - ♪ Oh, soul, all I want ♪ - Where are my fucking clothes? 485 00:27:26,061 --> 00:27:28,771 ♪ Is freedom 486 00:27:30,940 --> 00:27:36,987 ♪ But I'm told materials bleed wisdom 487 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:45,788 ♪ Oh, Lord, show me a sign of power 488 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:54,755 ♪ And rid thy world of all the cowards 489 00:27:57,967 --> 00:28:03,722 ♪ Oh, soul, we'll find our own saviour 490 00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:12,690 ♪ Deep down in the coldest winter ♪