1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,960 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,878 Not Hank's fault? Excuse me. 3 00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:06,797 - What does that mean? - It's not my fault. 4 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:09,758 - You didn't tell her. - Tell me what? 5 00:00:09,801 --> 00:00:12,011 Becca's father and I had a slight indiscretion. 6 00:00:12,053 --> 00:00:13,637 She's got to be kidding me, right? 7 00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,598 I don't want to hear about Felicia and her midlife crisis. 8 00:00:16,683 --> 00:00:18,934 Fuck me, bone me, stuff me. 9 00:00:18,977 --> 00:00:20,769 - Take your pick. - Oh. 10 00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:22,688 Who else has he been fucking? 11 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:23,897 You? 12 00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:25,315 Oh, gross. 13 00:00:25,358 --> 00:00:27,651 I can't believe you slept with all of them. 14 00:00:27,694 --> 00:00:30,112 - You're a goddamn girl whisperer. - OK. 15 00:00:30,155 --> 00:00:31,905 - Julian's a writer too. - Really? 16 00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:33,240 He wrote The Artist Within. 17 00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:34,700 Fucking genius. 18 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,828 Why are you asking me to procure you drugs like I'm your assistant? 19 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,205 I'm dating my dream crush. 20 00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:42,249 Hitting my peak sexually. 21 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,418 Give me my blow and let's just call it a day. 22 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,503 No fucking way, Rick Springfield. 23 00:00:46,546 --> 00:00:48,672 You just don't want me to be happy, Charlie. 24 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:51,717 - Ha, ha, ha! - Shit! 25 00:00:51,760 --> 00:00:54,970 - You looking to get your ass fired? - I fire you first! 26 00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:58,432 Charlie! You wanna go back to slinging Beemers in the Valley? 27 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:01,268 All right, maybe I got carried away. 28 00:01:07,317 --> 00:01:09,526 (♪ Black Sabbath: NIB) 29 00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,404 ♪ Oh, yeah 30 00:01:16,451 --> 00:01:21,121 ♪ Some people say my love cannot be true 31 00:01:21,164 --> 00:01:25,834 ♪ Please believe me, my love, and I'll show you 32 00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:30,464 ♪ I will give you those things you thought unreal 33 00:01:30,507 --> 00:01:35,177 ♪ The sun, the moon, the stars all bear my seal ♪ 34 00:01:38,681 --> 00:01:43,102 Hey! What's the dilly, yo? Where are you fine young wenches off to this evening? 35 00:01:43,144 --> 00:01:45,938 - Oh, dinner. Yeah. - Oh. Great, I could eat. 36 00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:49,817 Give me a second, I want to change my shirt. These pits are barking. (Sniffs) 37 00:01:49,859 --> 00:01:53,570 No, actually, that's pretty good. Salty. Yeah, you girls want some of this? 38 00:01:53,655 --> 00:01:57,324 Check it out? Keeps you regular. All right, what are we thinking? 39 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,910 We're thinking that you weren't exactly invited. 40 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,203 Oh. 41 00:02:01,246 --> 00:02:03,413 - (Ringtone) - That shit is cold. 42 00:02:03,456 --> 00:02:08,085 Yeah. Marcy's in a funk about the whole Rick Springfield of it all, so... 43 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:10,504 - (Becca) Hey, Chels. ...we were gonna take her out, 44 00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:12,798 show her a good time. Lady stuff. 45 00:02:12,841 --> 00:02:14,883 - I like the lady stuff. - I know you do. 46 00:02:15,593 --> 00:02:19,763 I was kinda looking forward to this as a little family togetherness time. 47 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,307 Oh. Well, maybe next time. 48 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,060 Cos I thought it might be good foreplay. 49 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,897 Oh, um, family togetherness equals foreplay how exactly? 50 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,693 It's been quite some time since we have lain together as man and woman. 51 00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:35,696 - And it's gonna be some time, Hank. - Really? Can you... 52 00:02:35,738 --> 00:02:38,740 How many... Days? Weeks? Months? 53 00:02:38,783 --> 00:02:41,118 Mm. Well, when I close my eyes 54 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,912 - and I don't see you inside... - Oh, come on. 55 00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,831 ...that annoying little simp of a woman... 56 00:02:45,874 --> 00:02:48,250 - That's gross. ...then maybe I'll be good to go. 57 00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,460 - Roughly speaking. - Why you gotta be like that? 58 00:02:50,503 --> 00:02:52,045 Was it good, Hank? The sex? 59 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,548 - Ah, come on. - Did she rock your world? 60 00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:58,760 - Did she fuck your brains out? - Oh, stop. I was performing a service. 61 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:02,347 When a plumber works on pipes, he doesn't think about the quality of the pipes, 62 00:03:02,390 --> 00:03:05,475 he just fixes the shit out of them, then he goes the fuck home. 63 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:07,269 And drinks to forget. 64 00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,646 All right, well, you guys have a lovely evening. 65 00:03:09,689 --> 00:03:12,649 Say hi to the Marce for me. Tell her to keep her chin up. 66 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:14,735 I'll be fine here alone! 67 00:03:14,777 --> 00:03:17,654 Eating a PB&J under a bare bulb! 68 00:04:05,536 --> 00:04:08,038 Ground control to Major Dong. 69 00:04:12,210 --> 00:04:14,294 Not a good time, Hank. 70 00:04:14,337 --> 00:04:18,382 I'm getting a serious relocation vibe here. You moving north of Wilshire? 71 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:21,093 I got the axe, Hank. Shit-canned. 72 00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:24,554 Charlie Runkle is once again an agent... without an agency. 73 00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:27,557 - Rick Springfield ankled? - That's right. 74 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,520 That He-Man, woman-hating salad-tosser is now in play. 75 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:33,230 Buck up, Chuck. You've still got me. 76 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,732 I'm bound to put pen to paper one of these days. Hey, fuck you. 77 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,653 - Woo-hoo! - All right, Runkle. Here are the rest of 'em. 78 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:44,116 I trust you will be discreet, especially with the ones with my legs akimbo. 79 00:04:44,158 --> 00:04:45,492 Sure thing, Sue. 80 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:48,120 Ah, the writer who doesn't write. 81 00:04:48,162 --> 00:04:50,455 I take it you're off with Jerry Maguire here. 82 00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:53,041 Undoubtedly. Homies before hoes, you know? 83 00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:57,379 Ah, good. Well, it saved me a phone call. There's no heat on you. 84 00:04:57,422 --> 00:05:00,215 I mean, you're as cold as a witch's cunny. 85 00:05:00,258 --> 00:05:03,468 Oochie-wah-wah. The lady's really got it in for me this evening. 86 00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:06,513 - Hey, it's just business. You understand. - Oh, yeah. I get it. 87 00:05:06,597 --> 00:05:08,515 - Nothing personal. - Nope. 88 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:12,436 Now, Runkle, just because we no longer have a professional relationship 89 00:05:12,478 --> 00:05:16,898 does not mean that you cannot wine me, dine me, 90 00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:20,527 and stand-up-69 me once in a while, huh? 91 00:05:20,570 --> 00:05:22,070 Dear God. 92 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:26,325 Well, she's got a point. There's no reason you should let a professional misstep 93 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,368 come between you and a quality 69. 94 00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:30,787 So... you fire me, 95 00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,540 but you still want me around as some sort of boytoy? 96 00:05:33,583 --> 00:05:35,542 How's Sundays for you? 97 00:05:35,585 --> 00:05:38,337 Charlie Runkle is not a doormat. 98 00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:42,507 He's not some little puppy that comes trotting back after being kicked to the curb. 99 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:45,552 - You go, girl. - Suit yourself, stallion. 100 00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:50,223 You know, we could have been lifelong fuck buddies, Runkle. 101 00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,142 Leave your keys with Rhonda. 102 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:53,769 Collini... 103 00:05:53,811 --> 00:05:55,020 out. 104 00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:59,983 She's a sweet woman. Salt of the earth, really. I'm gonna miss her. 105 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:01,860 - Really? - Not really. 106 00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:04,363 - Wanna get some gin and juice? - Ooh, hoochie-mama. 107 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:09,201 - Think I'm gonna take me one of these. - Bad boy. 108 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:19,419 To hamsters in a fucking cage, going round and round. 109 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,129 When will we ever learn? 110 00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:25,342 I'm still working off last year's sins. You're the one with fresh blood on your hands. 111 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,803 I didn't commit any crimes, though. That's the thing. 112 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:30,430 Karen was across the country. I thought we had an understanding. 113 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:31,723 - We did. - Oh. 114 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,892 She did some things. Ugh! 115 00:06:33,935 --> 00:06:35,644 Clearly I did some things. 116 00:06:35,686 --> 00:06:38,647 But we're being very adult and European about it. 117 00:06:38,689 --> 00:06:40,774 No matter what they say, 118 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,402 bitches don't like it when you fuck other bitches. 119 00:06:43,444 --> 00:06:47,197 Word. And they don't like it when you call them bitches, either. 120 00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:50,075 - Oh! - FYI for you, Charlie Runkle. 121 00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:54,830 - So, you think we'll ever get it right? - Mm... That remains to be seen. 122 00:06:54,872 --> 00:06:57,958 I think that, ultimately, they're gonna have to raise the white flag 123 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:01,211 and accept us for the emotional retards that we are, don't you think? 124 00:07:01,295 --> 00:07:02,587 - One would think. - Yeah. 125 00:07:02,630 --> 00:07:05,340 - Just hope my wiener still works. - Mm. 126 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:10,178 You'll be punishing that thing with gnarled, arthritic hands. Don't you worry. 127 00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,639 - I still love her, though, you know? - Yeah. 128 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:15,267 - My sweet little piece of Marcipan. - Yeah. 129 00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:16,810 - Those boobies? - Mm. 130 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,271 - Her teeny, tiny bajinie. - That's enough. 131 00:07:19,313 --> 00:07:22,649 After all these years, she still gets this white man harder than igneous rock. 132 00:07:22,692 --> 00:07:24,734 Settle down, white man. Take it to the restroom. 133 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:27,446 Don't you have those moments sometimes? 134 00:07:27,488 --> 00:07:33,535 When you just... you think to yourself, "God! I love this woman, and I always will." 135 00:07:33,619 --> 00:07:35,495 There was this one time... 136 00:07:35,538 --> 00:07:37,956 I fell asleep in the Porsche outside of Bill's house. 137 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,791 - Just once? - Becca found me. 138 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:43,253 It was, like, two or three years ago, I think. 139 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:45,297 Karen invited me in and made me breakfast. 140 00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:49,634 I know that Becca strong-armed her into inviting me in, but that's not the point. 141 00:07:49,677 --> 00:07:52,220 She made me breakfast, and she didn't have to. 142 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:55,974 She made me this omelette that was delicious. Perfect breakfast. 143 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:58,852 - Know why? Because she made it for me. - Mm. 144 00:07:58,895 --> 00:08:01,438 Then she told me to grow the fuck up and get on with my life, 145 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:05,859 but that didn't matter, because it was one of those moments where I decided, 146 00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:08,820 I resolved, that I was gonna keep on fighting. 147 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:13,116 You know, I've lost many battles, but I've never lost sight of the war. 148 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,661 No retreat, baby. No surrender. 149 00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:18,872 (Runkle sniffing) 150 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:21,416 Jesus Christ, Runkle, are you weeping again? 151 00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:24,252 - Well, it was sweet. You moved me. - (Crash) 152 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:25,921 - Jesus! - Hey! Hey! 153 00:08:25,963 --> 00:08:28,465 - Get a load of this asshole. - No shit, brosephina. 154 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:31,259 - You spilled on my buddy here. - I did. 155 00:08:31,302 --> 00:08:32,928 (Laughs) Sorry. 156 00:08:32,970 --> 00:08:35,388 - Hey, uh, excuse me. - Just let it go, Hank. 157 00:08:35,431 --> 00:08:38,517 - Excuse me. I don't mean to be annoying... - Let it go, it's not worth... 158 00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:40,602 ...but just now when you said you were sorry, 159 00:08:40,645 --> 00:08:43,021 it didn't really sound like you were sincere to me. 160 00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:47,526 It was, like, "Uh, I'm sorry." Perfunctory. You understand that word? 161 00:08:47,568 --> 00:08:50,612 Man, I am sorry. Did I spill on your girlfriend? 162 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:53,990 - I can get you and your lady another drink. - Oh! 163 00:08:54,033 --> 00:08:56,868 I believe our manhood was just assailed. 164 00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:59,788 I believe you're right. What are we gonna do about this? 165 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:01,915 I know what I'm gonna do about it. 166 00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:06,670 Whoa! Fuck, I knew it! 167 00:09:06,712 --> 00:09:08,421 Couple of real-life faggots! 168 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:10,757 Charlie... 169 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,509 - That's right, baby. - (Men laugh) 170 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,512 We're here, we're queer, and get used to it. 171 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:18,056 (Glass smashing) 172 00:09:21,435 --> 00:09:23,144 Let me at him! 173 00:09:23,187 --> 00:09:30,902 ♪ Let it shine ♪ 174 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,114 Thank you. 175 00:09:34,156 --> 00:09:36,241 You might wanna think about popping a breath mint 176 00:09:36,284 --> 00:09:37,909 or chewing some gum every now and again. 177 00:09:37,952 --> 00:09:39,661 Your mouth tastes like a hobo's taint. 178 00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:41,663 Why you gotta do that - make me feel self-conscious? 179 00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,416 Do you have gum or a breath mint or something? 180 00:09:44,458 --> 00:09:47,377 - What are we gonna do now? - Something fun, huh? 181 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:50,922 Um, you wanna go back to my place, watch some DVDs? 182 00:09:50,965 --> 00:09:53,091 The girls are out for the night. 183 00:09:53,134 --> 00:09:56,845 I'm not gonna watch pornography with you, Charlie Runkle. Creeps me out. 184 00:09:56,887 --> 00:09:58,888 We'll watch a regular movie, I don't care. 185 00:09:58,931 --> 00:10:00,765 Last time you talked me into movie night, 186 00:10:00,808 --> 00:10:03,101 I sat there and watched you play pocket pool for two hours. 187 00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:06,479 Men should not experience pornography together. It's unseemly. 188 00:10:06,522 --> 00:10:08,106 Excuse me, Mr Morality. 189 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:10,817 Didn't know you had all these special rules about home entertainment. 190 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:14,487 You know what? The night is young. It's in diapers, for Christ's sakes. 191 00:10:14,530 --> 00:10:17,490 What do you say, you and me, we go on a good old-fashioned bender? 192 00:10:17,533 --> 00:10:20,660 - Aww! I could roll with that. - You can roll with it? 193 00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:23,747 - I can roll with it. - Then you roll with it, motherfucker. 194 00:10:23,789 --> 00:10:25,498 Proceeding to roll. 195 00:10:30,379 --> 00:10:32,297 I think I'm sewing it up. 196 00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:36,217 I tell you, seriously. It has led me astray. Thank you. 197 00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:40,555 That's disgusting, and, also, what's it gonna solve? 198 00:10:41,223 --> 00:10:45,101 I'm lost. Are you talking about your heart or your vagina? 199 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,520 Look at you! 200 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:51,650 - Using all the proper names for things! - Well, it is her father's favourite word. 201 00:10:51,692 --> 00:10:54,903 I'm speaking of my vagina, sweetheart. 202 00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:58,281 I don't have a heart any more. I lost that years ago. 203 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:01,660 I think it was the night of... the squirting incident. 204 00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:03,828 Remember that, huh? 205 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:06,289 OK, I'll say no more. 206 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:10,543 You know... You know what? You had the fantasy. 207 00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,714 How many people can say that they slept with their teen idol, right? That's... 208 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:18,009 How many people can say they slept with Rick Springfield? 209 00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:21,763 Only every tramp, ho, and thief in Greater LA County. 210 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,723 Bleurgh! Bleh! 211 00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:25,517 Ah! What was I thinking? 212 00:11:25,559 --> 00:11:28,603 You just... You don't put yourself out there like that. 213 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,480 - It was good... - Take note. 214 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:32,857 You owed it to your younger self, right? 215 00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,695 I mean, you needed to explore that whole area. 216 00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:38,530 Really? 217 00:11:38,572 --> 00:11:42,409 Were there any areas you explored when you was in New Yawk? 218 00:11:42,451 --> 00:11:44,869 - (Hushed) I don't think we need to... - What, Mom? 219 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,288 Yes, please, not in front of the child. 220 00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:51,000 No! Screw that. Tonight you're a growns-up. 221 00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:55,588 You're out on girls' night out - GNO. You want a zip of my wine? 222 00:11:55,631 --> 00:11:56,881 - Marce... - Mm-hm. 223 00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,650 Oh! Check it out. 224 00:12:16,652 --> 00:12:18,528 - South Of Heaven. - No. 225 00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,822 First edition, signed by the author! 226 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:24,492 Portrait of the artist as a dirty young man. What did I inscribe? 227 00:12:24,535 --> 00:12:27,120 "To Kelly. Best oral ever." 228 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,997 Who is Kelly? 229 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:32,625 I don't know. (Laughs) 230 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:36,588 - But I think we should find out! - Poor Kelly. 231 00:12:36,630 --> 00:12:38,631 Sounds like she had mad skills. 232 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:43,303 Oh, early Hank Moody, going for 100 big ones. 233 00:12:43,387 --> 00:12:45,180 That real money? Maybe in pesos. 234 00:12:45,222 --> 00:12:47,974 That's 100% John Wayne-style American dollar. 235 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:52,061 Shit. People are willing to pay good money for my early, beer-soaked ramblings? 236 00:12:52,104 --> 00:12:53,646 I've increased in value. 237 00:12:53,689 --> 00:12:56,816 The Franklin Mint can lick me where the good Lord split me. 238 00:12:56,859 --> 00:13:00,320 It's a shame that money doesn't go to you. It goes to sleepy-eyes over there. 239 00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:01,780 No shit. 240 00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:06,409 I do all the work and Weird Beard over there profits off my words, my autograph, 241 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:10,038 - my memories of sweet gifted Kelly. - Mmm. 242 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:14,000 Probably costs 100 bucks a week to keep him in tie-dye, Birkenstocks and crystals. 243 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:17,420 True dat. And you know there's no way I'm seeing my 10% either. 244 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,923 You could really use that ten-spot now, couldn't you? 245 00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:22,342 - Right! - Cover me. 246 00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:26,554 - I'm going Abbie Hoffman on this shit. - OK. Hold on, hold on, hold on. 247 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:29,015 - I got you. - You know, Runkle... 248 00:13:29,058 --> 00:13:30,975 - information... - Take it on home. 249 00:13:31,018 --> 00:13:32,852 ...wants to be free. 250 00:13:35,314 --> 00:13:37,065 - I think we're good. - Got it? 251 00:13:37,107 --> 00:13:39,692 - Let's go. - We bad. 252 00:13:40,444 --> 00:13:43,613 - We bad, we bad, we bad. - Stop that. Stop. 253 00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,533 - Let me get you covered here. Let me... - No. 254 00:13:46,575 --> 00:13:49,369 - Charlie, don't be an ass. - I like to do that, it's fun. 255 00:13:50,704 --> 00:13:55,708 Holy fuck! Look at this. The Artist Within gets himself an entire table. 256 00:13:55,751 --> 00:13:59,629 All right, how much does a first ejaculate Sir Walter Dali go for? 257 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:02,507 - 95 bucks! - Yes! I win! 258 00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:06,594 Suck it and taste it, artist within my yam bag. 259 00:14:11,141 --> 00:14:13,601 Hold on a second, I gotta let one rip. 260 00:14:13,644 --> 00:14:15,311 Switch with me? 261 00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,730 - (Fart) - OK, OK, OK. 262 00:14:24,780 --> 00:14:28,199 - Come on! - Slow down! Come on, man! 263 00:14:29,034 --> 00:14:31,661 - Whoa! Ow, ow! - Get up. 264 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:34,789 - I'm down. Man down! - Get up. Get the man up. 265 00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:36,666 - OK, the man's up. Oh! - Hello! 266 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:41,546 - Hey, don't fuck with the pinkberry. - We can't stop. We can't stop. 267 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:44,799 You know there's no one chasing you, right, Dad? 268 00:14:44,842 --> 00:14:46,885 - No? - So there isn't. 269 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,678 Phew. 270 00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:51,264 This is fun! We have fun. 271 00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:53,308 Why are you looking at me like that, you goon? 272 00:14:53,350 --> 00:14:56,185 - Are you ready for an adventure, Marce? - No. 273 00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:58,229 Please stop doing that with your face. 274 00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:00,607 We should move to New York, hm? 275 00:15:00,649 --> 00:15:02,859 - With our friends, the Van der Moodys. - What? 276 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:05,445 I did it! I got fired! 277 00:15:05,487 --> 00:15:08,531 Whoo! (Chuckles) 278 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:11,200 That's it, there's nothing tying us here, man. 279 00:15:11,243 --> 00:15:14,287 You got dumped by a pervy rock star and I lost my job. 280 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:20,043 - Well, tell everybody. - ♪ Freedom's just another word for... 281 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:23,379 - ♪ I'm a free bird! - (Becca) He's freaking me out. 282 00:15:23,422 --> 00:15:24,547 (Marcy) Me too. 283 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:27,425 (Hank laughs) This is what two White Winters will do to you! 284 00:15:27,468 --> 00:15:32,472 - My V is sewn up tighter than ever. - That was great, Charlie. Congratulations. 285 00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:35,183 - Come with us. - The next stop is the convenience store. 286 00:15:35,225 --> 00:15:37,977 - What kind of snacks do you like? - Stop it. 287 00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,979 - Because I like snacks... - You know what? 288 00:15:40,022 --> 00:15:43,232 - It's past our, um, bedtime. - What about us? What about ours? 289 00:15:43,275 --> 00:15:48,154 Way past your bedtime. Come on. You better put yourself to bed tonight. 290 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:50,949 You're gonna be changing your own diapers and wiping your own ass. 291 00:15:50,991 --> 00:15:53,368 - I am done being your mommy. - OK. 292 00:15:53,410 --> 00:15:58,498 But could you just please say "ass" one more time? I can work with that for days. 293 00:15:58,540 --> 00:16:01,084 I want you to have this. This is your heritage and your inheritance. 294 00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:02,835 I liberated it just moments ago. 295 00:16:02,878 --> 00:16:05,046 (Karen) What is that? (Marcy) Stop it. 296 00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:09,092 Who's Kelly? 297 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:10,677 (Charlie laughs) 298 00:16:10,719 --> 00:16:14,555 I've been thinking about that for 10 minutes. She's either a... (Swallows) 299 00:16:14,598 --> 00:16:16,891 ...a cocktail waitress from Toronto 300 00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:19,268 or a very promising young marine biologist. 301 00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:21,688 Either way, your father's very lucky to have known her. 302 00:16:21,730 --> 00:16:23,481 OK, that's it. Let's go. 303 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,899 - OK. - Bye. 304 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,484 - Your loss, ladies. - Thank you. 305 00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:29,362 You're never gonna know the splendour of a Cheez Doodle burp. 306 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:32,240 - Stop selling, Runkle. Come on. - Good point. 307 00:16:32,282 --> 00:16:33,741 (Both laugh) 308 00:16:36,912 --> 00:16:38,287 Good evening. 309 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:40,665 I think she liked me. 310 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,215 (Hank) Kim, wasabi? (Charlie) Wasabi! 311 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,884 Living the dreams, Hank, living the dream. 312 00:16:51,927 --> 00:16:55,304 - You get the booze, I'll get the snacks. - This is all the snack a brother needs. 313 00:16:55,347 --> 00:16:57,765 (Charlie) You got your guilty pleasures, I got mine... 314 00:16:59,143 --> 00:17:02,061 (Charlie) Ow! (Hank) Sh... The humanity! 315 00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:04,647 - Jesus Christ, Hank! Come on. - Jesus, Hank! 316 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:07,734 - Sorry, Kim. I'll pay for it. - You bet your ass you pay for it. 317 00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,485 (Hank) Yeah. (Kim) Shit, man. 318 00:17:10,696 --> 00:17:12,321 - You got scolded. - Yeah. 319 00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:14,157 (Charlie) I heard it. 320 00:17:21,206 --> 00:17:22,623 Hey, I saw that. 321 00:17:22,666 --> 00:17:25,376 - Saw what, homie? - What are you doing? Put that shit back. 322 00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:27,420 - What the fuck you care? - What do I care? 323 00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:30,715 Kim and his wife... Kim are good people, and you're stealing from them. 324 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,551 You need money, get a paper route or something. That's bullshit. 325 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,178 - Whatever. - Leave him alone, Hank. 326 00:17:35,220 --> 00:17:38,181 - No, the kid's stealing. That's not cool. - He's a kid. 327 00:17:38,223 --> 00:17:41,893 Need I remind you, we borrowed some hardcover non-fiction this very evening? 328 00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:44,103 - That is totally different. - Of course it is. 329 00:17:44,146 --> 00:17:46,397 There's no law against an author stealing his own work. 330 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,982 What about Julian? 331 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:51,569 There's no law against stealing from a colossal douchebag. 332 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,237 Wait, check this out, I got an idea. 333 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,907 Hey... No, no. No, it's cool. 334 00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:58,159 Put that shit back, and I'll give you this book. 335 00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,329 People swear by it. It'll change your life, put you on the straight and narrow. 336 00:18:01,371 --> 00:18:03,289 If it doesn't, use it as toilet paper. 337 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:06,417 Check it out. The Artist Within. 338 00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,920 (Charlie) Hank... (Hank chuckles) My ass. Here you go. 339 00:18:08,962 --> 00:18:10,213 - Hank... - Take it. 340 00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,423 - Shut up, Charlie, I'm schooling this kid. - Hank! 341 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:13,716 What? 342 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:16,469 Ah... 343 00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:19,806 - Give me your fucking wallet. - Yeah, OK, just take it easy. 344 00:18:19,848 --> 00:18:22,725 You win, all right. Settle down. No, you got it. You got it. 345 00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,727 - Take it easy. - Shut the fuck up. 346 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:26,771 Just take it. Treat yourself. 347 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:32,360 What, are you kidding me? What the fuck? What the fuck is this? 348 00:18:32,402 --> 00:18:34,946 - I work on commission, bro. - Shut the fuck up! 349 00:18:34,988 --> 00:18:36,989 You think this is a fucking joke? 350 00:18:37,032 --> 00:18:38,449 I got a daughter. 351 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:45,665 - (Gunshots) - Get out of my store, motherfuckers! 352 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:50,211 - Get out! You motherfuckers! - (Alarm bell rings) 353 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,089 - Fuck you! Get back here! - (Gunshots) 354 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,841 Fuck me. 355 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:07,603 (Siren) 356 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,120 I thought that was it, Hank. 357 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,746 The end. 358 00:19:25,789 --> 00:19:27,748 I know what you mean, broheme. 359 00:19:29,793 --> 00:19:33,296 - What was going through your head? - What do you think? 360 00:19:34,339 --> 00:19:36,048 Karen and Becca. 361 00:19:36,091 --> 00:19:38,134 How much I love them. 362 00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,262 How much time I've wasted being a selfish prick. 363 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:46,517 What a cosmic "fuck you" it would be if you were the last person I kissed before I died. 364 00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:50,563 I don't know. I think it would have been kinda poetic, actually. 365 00:19:50,606 --> 00:19:52,190 For you, maybe. 366 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:58,362 I know what you mean, though. I had my whole life flash before my eyes. 367 00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:01,991 Really just like a... like a TiVo on fast-forward. 368 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,701 And you know what? 369 00:20:03,744 --> 00:20:05,745 It was really fucking pathetic. 370 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:07,413 Oh, I believe you. 371 00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:13,294 OK... what now? 372 00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:16,422 - Where do we go from here? - I'm not entirely sure, 373 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:20,176 but if you thought we were drinking before you were dead wrong, because now... 374 00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,428 - (Chuckles) ...we are gonna do some drinking. 375 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:26,182 - You with me? - Oh! Till the end, my Nubian brother. 376 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,850 Till the bitter end. 377 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:34,273 - I love you, bro. - Hey, settle down. Don't soil yourself. 378 00:20:34,316 --> 00:20:35,524 Again. 379 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:38,653 (Charlie) Make the car go very fast. 380 00:20:40,781 --> 00:20:42,615 OK, just one drink, 381 00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:46,953 so that missy here doesn't slit her wrists when she's left all alone. 382 00:20:46,995 --> 00:20:49,956 Oh, but you forget - I won't be alone. 383 00:20:49,998 --> 00:20:53,251 - I got Yertle the Turtle as my roommate. - (Laughs) 384 00:20:53,293 --> 00:20:58,256 All the disadvantages of being married and none of the advantages. 385 00:20:58,298 --> 00:21:01,384 And what would those be, if you don't mind my asking? 386 00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:05,054 - Those what? - The advantages of being married. 387 00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,848 I need to know so I don't end up as bitter as you guys. 388 00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,558 Shit, is that how we sound? 389 00:21:09,601 --> 00:21:12,395 So far I haven't heard much in the pro-men column. 390 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:14,105 The best you can hope for, I guess, 391 00:21:14,147 --> 00:21:17,608 is that they make you laugh and occasionally fix things around the house. 392 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:19,735 Yeah, that would be great. 393 00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:23,406 What? I would kill for a guy to fix things around the house. 394 00:21:23,448 --> 00:21:27,576 - What we meant to say was... - Don't look at me. I know I'm bitter. 395 00:21:27,619 --> 00:21:32,873 - I own that shit. I ams who I's ams. - Well, I'm not bitter. Am I bitter? 396 00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,461 Maybe I am. I'm disillusioned, that's what I am. 397 00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:39,547 I'm definitely disillusioned. 398 00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:41,757 Come on, Mom, what did you think would happen? 399 00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:44,302 Did you think if you left he would grow up all of a sudden? 400 00:21:44,344 --> 00:21:49,223 No, I just... You know, I wish we didn't have to prop him up all the time. 401 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:53,185 What's the point in wishing for something that's never going to come true? 402 00:21:53,228 --> 00:21:55,479 He's never going to change, Mom. 403 00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:59,817 He's always going to be that drunken fool in the middle of Abbot Kinney. 404 00:22:00,944 --> 00:22:03,237 The same guy who wrote this book. 405 00:22:06,825 --> 00:22:10,161 If that's not what you want then you have to be the one to walk away. 406 00:22:10,912 --> 00:22:13,247 Because he never will. 407 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:16,876 God, Jesus! 408 00:22:16,960 --> 00:22:20,212 I love this little Buddha you shot out of your vag. 409 00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:21,797 So wise! 410 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:42,068 (Sighs) 411 00:22:43,570 --> 00:22:46,364 Mm. Jesus! 412 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:51,911 (Sighs) Feel like I've been fucked in the ass by God himself. 413 00:22:53,246 --> 00:22:54,830 And he... he... 414 00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:58,292 he pulled out and jizzed all over my face, 415 00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:01,379 got in my eyes, and now I can't even open 'em properly. 416 00:23:01,421 --> 00:23:04,048 I'm hungry. You? 417 00:23:04,091 --> 00:23:06,675 So our ladies must be worried sick about us, huh? 418 00:23:06,718 --> 00:23:08,969 - You know why? - Why? 419 00:23:09,971 --> 00:23:11,972 Cos we're a couple of dirty stay-outs. 420 00:23:12,015 --> 00:23:13,557 No missed calls. 421 00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:19,397 Huh, me neither. 422 00:23:21,149 --> 00:23:22,566 Well, whatever. 423 00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:24,985 Oh! 424 00:23:25,028 --> 00:23:27,655 This was fun. We should do this more often. 425 00:23:27,697 --> 00:23:31,492 You know, I can do this because I'm an artist. 426 00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,328 But you? You're a fucking businessman. 427 00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:37,456 A sucker in a three-piece suit. You gotta keep your shit together. 428 00:23:37,499 --> 00:23:41,001 - Doesn't sound very fair at all. - I didn't make the rules. 429 00:23:45,841 --> 00:23:49,427 You know, you're a good friend, you bald motherfucker. 430 00:23:49,469 --> 00:23:51,053 I'm lucky to have you. 431 00:23:51,096 --> 00:23:53,055 Same here, buddy. 432 00:23:53,098 --> 00:23:55,266 You're a really good kisser too, you know that? 433 00:23:55,308 --> 00:23:57,810 Karen doesn't know what she's missing right now. 434 00:23:58,687 --> 00:24:01,021 There's a good chance I'd have forgotten about that. 435 00:24:01,064 --> 00:24:03,190 - Oh, no. - Thanks for calling it back. 436 00:24:04,192 --> 00:24:06,277 God, I am sore! 437 00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:10,531 My fucking back is killing me. 438 00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:13,993 Got quite a workout last night, huh? (Groans) 439 00:24:18,748 --> 00:24:20,708 - Hey, Charlie? - Yeah. 440 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:23,502 Did we get tattoos last night? 441 00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:25,880 Did we what? 442 00:24:29,009 --> 00:24:31,343 Oh, no, Hank. 443 00:24:31,386 --> 00:24:33,220 Hank, what did I do? 444 00:24:33,263 --> 00:24:35,347 I don't know, but we're about to find out. 445 00:24:35,390 --> 00:24:37,475 Bend over, big boy, and drop your drawers. 446 00:24:37,517 --> 00:24:39,894 And I hope that's the last time I ever say that to you. 447 00:24:39,936 --> 00:24:42,271 Jesus Christ, say it ain't so, Hank. 448 00:24:42,314 --> 00:24:45,357 (Laughs) Oh, it is so. 449 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,860 It is definitely so. 450 00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:50,196 Why would you let me do that, Hank? 451 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:53,115 Why would you let me get a tramp stamp? Why would you do that to me? 452 00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:55,910 Look on the bright side. It's a beautiful tattoo. 453 00:24:55,952 --> 00:24:59,914 - The artist definitely outdid his self. - Jesus Christ! 454 00:24:59,956 --> 00:25:02,208 It's a goddamn butterfly, isn't it, Hank? 455 00:25:02,250 --> 00:25:05,252 Now I remember. It's all coming back to me. 456 00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:07,630 I'm such a fucking idiot! 457 00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:11,884 OK, come on. Let's go. We're going to the removal place right now. 458 00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:13,802 Let's go. Hey... 459 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:17,306 (Hank hoots, laughs) 460 00:25:18,266 --> 00:25:20,184 (Charlie) Come on, let's go! 461 00:25:38,119 --> 00:25:40,454 - Good morning. - Morning. 462 00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:45,709 - How was your night? - You know, it was great. It was really good. 463 00:25:45,752 --> 00:25:47,378 Great. 464 00:25:47,420 --> 00:25:49,880 - Yours? - Mine was interesting. 465 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:52,883 Definitely had its moments. 466 00:25:54,719 --> 00:25:57,846 I didn't fuck anyone, if that's what you're wondering. 467 00:25:57,889 --> 00:26:00,849 Uh, no, I wasn't, actually. 468 00:26:01,768 --> 00:26:03,269 Mm, bullshit. 469 00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:05,479 How's Marcy? 470 00:26:06,648 --> 00:26:10,484 - Uh, she'll live. You know... - Well, that's good. 471 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:12,319 And you? How are you? 472 00:26:14,114 --> 00:26:15,531 I'm trying. 473 00:26:16,658 --> 00:26:18,951 That's all anybody can ask, huh? 474 00:26:20,328 --> 00:26:21,537 Right. 475 00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:29,503 Hey, check this out. 476 00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:32,214 - Hank, don't... - No, no, no. No. 477 00:26:32,257 --> 00:26:33,591 (Groans) 478 00:26:38,805 --> 00:26:40,055 Huh? 479 00:26:40,098 --> 00:26:41,849 (Sighs) 480 00:26:41,891 --> 00:26:45,644 - Am I supposed to be impressed? - That's the idea, yeah. 481 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:48,022 Hmm. 482 00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:50,816 "Hmm"? 483 00:26:50,859 --> 00:26:53,986 I scar myself for you, I stigmatise myself for you, 484 00:26:54,029 --> 00:26:56,530 and that's all I get as a response is "hmm"? 485 00:26:58,658 --> 00:27:00,242 Hmm? 486 00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:03,162 ♪ Can you see the light... ♪ 487 00:27:03,204 --> 00:27:04,455 (Sighs) 488 00:27:04,497 --> 00:27:09,835 ♪ Can you hear the hum of our song... ♪ 489 00:27:09,878 --> 00:27:11,420 Are you hungry? 490 00:27:12,464 --> 00:27:14,715 ♪ I hope they get it right... ♪ 491 00:27:16,134 --> 00:27:17,718 Would you like some breakfast? 492 00:27:17,761 --> 00:27:20,471 ♪ I hope we dance tonight... ♪ 493 00:27:20,513 --> 00:27:22,848 I would love some breakfast. 494 00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:25,476 ♪ Before we get it wrong 495 00:27:25,518 --> 00:27:28,312 ♪ Now I see you 496 00:27:28,355 --> 00:27:29,813 ♪ Till kingdom come 497 00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:33,275 ♪ You're the one I want to see me 498 00:27:33,318 --> 00:27:36,236 ♪ For all the stupid shit I've done 499 00:27:42,118 --> 00:27:47,206 ♪ Soil and six feet under 500 00:27:47,248 --> 00:27:51,210 ♪ Killed just like we were 501 00:27:51,252 --> 00:27:55,422 ♪ Before you knew you'd know me 502 00:27:55,465 --> 00:27:59,009 ♪ You know me ♪