Previously on Californication...
- I'd like to introduce you to Richard Bates. - Big fan.
Who wants to see me tuck and do the pee pee dance?
- (Growls) - Whoa!
- We're really gonna do this? Sell the place? - Isn't that what we want?
Yeah, sure. I guess.
I just want to be done with it already.
I want to sell this fucking house and get on with the rest of my life.
You're saying just pack up and leave LA?
The three of us move back to New York together?
Yeah, end of the semester, whatever.
- So which one are you sleeping with? - Excuse me?
My bets are on the young, voluptuous student.
This is so not fair.
I'm in love with you, Hank Moody.
Oh!
I've never stepped outside of my marriage before.
Please! Go!
Something must be different.
- That's right. You fucked my wife. - Well, there's that.
- What does that mean? - You didn't tell her?
- Tell me what? - Becca's father and I
- had a slight indiscretion. - She's gotta be kidding me, right?
I don't want to hear about Felicia and her midlife crisis.
Wait, who else has he been fucking?
- You're a goddamn girl whisperer. - OK.
I can't believe you slept with all of them.
- Will you live? - I'm trying.
That's all anybody can ask for.
Oh, hey, check this out.
Yeah.
(Sighs)
Lordy bagordy, we made some fucking love, woman.
They should put us in The Joy Of Sex.
A nice little pencil sketch of us doing it. We're that good.
(Laughs) Who are you right now?
I'm not sensing the same level of enthusiasm from you.
Oh, no! I... It was good.
Come to think of it, you weren't quite as vocal as you normally are.
I mean, you've never been a screamer per se,
but I can always count on you for a little intense moaning. Ah-hooo!
- Hank, stop it. - Ah-hooo!
- Thank you. Thank you for that. - Ooh-hoo!
A woman does love a re-enactment of the most vulnerable moment.
Oh, baby.
But you got there, right?
Close.
Oh, I see what you're saying. It was, like, a tiny one.
- That happens. That's understandable. - Not so much.
What? Are you serious?
You mean not even a little one? Like a micro-orgasm?
- No. - Are you sure? Jesus, this is upsetting.
The truth is, Hank, we've been through some...
We've been through some really hard times.
- I know that. - So...
But we've always had our fire and our passion.
Our beautiful sex organs don't know about our problems,
and we should definitely keep them out of it.
You got to give me another chance to please you...
No, no, no, no. We can't. It's too late.
It's not gonna work. No, there's too much pressure!
Ah! No, no, no. Anyway, we have plans.
It's Saturday. I can do this all day.
- Felicia. - Felicia.
- Your new friend. Yes. - What? No!
- She invited us for lunch. - Oh.
- I know. I had to say yes, because... - No, you didn't.
God, that woman is so annoying. She's so irritating. Argh!
Oh, yeah, that's good. Like that, only louder and deeper.
- I can work with that. Me love you long time. - No, no, it's over! Ah! It's over.
- I gotta go. I got to get ready. - Oh... All right.
Just give me a moment.
While I talk my testicles into descending.
(Running water)
Guys?
(Woman laughing)
(Karen) Wow.
Looks like there's some kind of a book club or something.
(Hank) Of a sort.
- (Indistinct chatter) - (Hank) Oh, dear.
(Becca) At least it won't be a dull Saturday afternoon.
Welcome. Hello. Come in.
Oh, you shouldn't have. Thank you.
No, it is you who shouldn't have. This is quite a surprise.
I think "pleasure" is the word you were looking for.
- Or "surprise". - They all heard I was having you over.
Guess the whole ya-ya sisterhood had to get in on it, huh?
Well, we can't let you skip town without a fond farewell.
Our last class was very unsatisfying, since you didn't teach us anything.
Karen? This is Jill.
She was Hank's teaching assistant this semester.
- And that's Jackie. - Hey, Jackie.
- We met in class, right? - (Jackie) Yes, in a way.
Why don't I come with you guys?
We can hang out, try on some lip gloss.
- You know, sparkly? - You made your bed.
Yeah, and now you're gonna have to lie in it. Have fun, Hank.
Wake the fuck up, Runkle.
(Exhales sharply) Open house time.
You know the house won't sell if we're within five miles of it.
Give me ten minutes, ten minutes!
Come on! We gotta jet.
Buyers can smell our impending divorce from the freeway.
Coming! I'm coming!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, God, you really are coming. Barf.
I told you!
And I told you! She never fucking listens, am I right?
Hi. Um, you must be Marcy. I'm...
Getting your pants and getting the fuck outta my house.
Now, please. Thank you.
There's a good girl. Off you go!
Yeah.
- I'll call you! - (Scoffs)
Really? The floor? That's your move?
You said not to mess up the bed if we're showing the house.
Christ, Runkle!
I'm sorry she's not a coke-snorting teen idol or a big black rapist!
- Not everyone can have class up the ass. - No ass, just class.
Oh, my God! I could take the stubbornness, really I could,
and the substance abuse, and the lateness
and the "cooler than school and all the rest of us" ne'er-do-well attitude,
but the thing that absolutely got me was the unwarranted advice
about my biological clock.
Oh, but, you know, he's fully qualified to do that,
because he has such a deep understanding of womanhood.
Shouldn't you be defending me? Talking up my good points?
Well, yeah, I will later.
Right now I'm really enjoying this kind of appraisal of your little idiosyncrasies,
you know, the things that I have grown to know and love about you.
- The cracks... That's how the light gets in. - More Pimm's, anyone?
Oh, yeah, hit me with that. You know, it's not an act, this whole thing.
I'm very sensitive to the pain and suffering of women.
I listen to them. I'm aware of that shit.
(Jackie) OK, that's true.
In his defence, I must say that he paid me...
- tons of special attention in class. - Not special.
No, Jackie! He did not!
Jackie's writing's actually very good. I read some of her short stories.
- You have? - Yeah, sure I have.
I had to write her a recommendation to the graduate writing programme.
- She couldn't very well ask you. - When is luncheon gonna be served?
That's why we're here, right? And I'm curious.
I wanna know how it's different from actual lunch.
We have one last guest, who's a late arrival.
- Oh, here's the latecomer now. - It's not a lady. Please say not a lady.
- Mm! - Oh, my...
Is that Richard Bates?
Yeah, Richard Bates. Crack The Sky. You know him?
Know him?
- Karen, is that you? - God! Richard!
Oh, my God! You look exactly the same.
Exactly the same as what... exactly?
- I mean, even more beautiful. - My God!
I can picture you right now standing under the arch in Washington Square Park,
- wind blowing your hair... - And you blowing me off, you asshole.
Oh, asshole? I like where this is going, him being an asshole and all,
but d'you wanna fill me in on...
- the rest of this shit? - Oh, my God... You gave me a C!
When you sleep with your professor, isn't that...
- you're meant to get a B? - Hey, what, you slept with him?
The glorious "mangina" here?
This is my professor that I had an affair with as an undergraduate.
- I know it was like 100 years ago... - Think I'm gonna be sick.
- You look incredible. - It feels just like yesterday.
- Worst day of my life. - God, you look great.
Thank you. You're not with Bush League here, are you?
- Oh... - Fuck, yeah, she... is.
(Karen) Well... kinda. (Richard) Really?
(Whispers)
What? No, don't keep secrets from the rest of the class.
You planted the seed - that writer thing, my attraction to writers. (Laughs)
- Oh, hey, hey, hey! Have a drink. - (Richard laughs)
How'd you snag her, anyway? The old "I'm an agent" spiel?
Hey, it's not a spiel. I'm an agent.
She has a dream, she's a waitress.
In your language, waitress means stripper. She's a stripper.
No, no, no. She is a cocktail waitress with a screenplay.
(Sniggers)
OK, OK. An idea for a screenplay. Still, I see potential, and I just...
Oh, please! You see blow job.
Do I detect a note of jealousy?
Mm.
Like I could be jealous of a food-service professional
with an idea for a screenplay.
- And her boobs. - (Laughs) You are!
Marcy Runkle is jealous. I never thought I'd see the day.
Ah! Go with God. I got mine, it's only right you get yours.
Hey, Marcy...
I have said all along - I still love you.
- It's not what you say, Charlie. - What do you mean?
It's "Out of sight, out of mind."
"See Marcy, want Marcy."
"No see Marcy, want boobies."
(Phone ringtone: Jessie's girl)
Really? Still?
Jesus fuck, I forgot to change my ringtone.
Please allow me. Eat my bent wang, Rick Springfield.
Wait, get that. It's Sharon.
- Oh. - Sharon?
Mm-hm. You're shitting me.
Yeah.
- We have an offer. - (Stifled scream)
Where were you off to when you dumped me? Was it Nepal?
It was Egypt.
You know, I etched your name in stone atop the pyramid at Giza.
- I wish that were true. - Bullshit!
- (Laughs) - (Hank) Staying home is very nice too.
It's cosy. You don't need a passport, no shots.
So you would recommend the experience of sleeping with your teacher?
See that? See what you've gone and done?
- You've set a bad example, woman. - You were just so sexy.
I can't exactly be judgmental, because that is how I met Chelsea's father.
I was in graduate school, and I took one of his ridiculous Civil War classes.
Loved to teach, you know, so passionate about what he was doing.
That's it! You were so passionate.
- That's what turns me on. - Yes, but that kind of passion burns you out.
- That kind of intensity, no bueno. - Look at him! He's not burnt out!
The man had a serious breakdown recently.
- Hmm. - Public nudity and... singing.
- Smuggling Dr Johnson... - Oh, my poor love! I'm so sorry.
Don't be. Truthfully, it was the best thing that's happened to me in years.
For a man to be just broken down to his most naked, most vulnerable self.
- Mm-hm. - Just stripped of all irony, all vanity.
I mean, I don't think I've ever been so deeply in touch with my feminine side.
- That's beautiful. It's really profound. - No, it wasn't. It was queer.
Not queer as in gay, it was queer as in odd.
Downright lunatic, as a matter of fact, and I had to step in for him at that point
with my passion, my intensity, cos I'm all about that stuff.
Yeah, the guy who once fell asleep during his own lecture.
One time! I did that one time.
I was boring myself, and I thought it was an honest reaction to actually fall asleep.
Well, Moody, word on the street is you couldn't teach your way out of a paper bag.
Where'd you hear that?
Oh, I may have lobbed a few random emails here and there.
- (Man) Moody! - (Door slams)
That sounds like Stacy. That's odd.
Justice will be served!
- (Stifled laughter) - (Richard) Oh dear.
Ladies.
Moody...
I demand... satisfaction.
Well, General Sherman, nice of you to join us.
William Tecumseh Sherman, no. Yet another sign of your blazing ignorance.
No. Major General George Henry Thomas, Rock of Chickamauga.
Well, pleased to make your acquaintance.
I don't know whether to shake your hand or your sword, or...
The day of reckoning is at hand. It's time for you to answer for your sins.
- You and I will duel on this fine day... - Duel! (Chuckles)
...like men!
- Ah. Men of what century? - (Gasping)
- Dear God, he's completely blotto. - How can you tell?
He must have gone drinking with those re-enactment people.
- You mock me? - Guilty.
I challenge you to a duel, and this is how you respond?
Personally, I love a good duel. (Laughs)
Bates! You're back and lookin' good.
Let's go, Moody.
You've defiled my wife, brought dishonour to this house, the university.
I'll stand for it no more.
And get your filthy car out of my driveway.
Stacy. Stacy, you might want to rest up. Hank doesn't want to play these games.
- No, Hank don't wanna play. - They always lose, you see.
The Union Army gets defeated at the Battle of Chickamauga, then they go out drinking.
He held until nightfall, preventing an even greater Union defeat!
How? Because General Thomas refused to surrender Horseshoe Ridge.
Was he the flashiest Civil War general? No.
Did he impress the ladies? Hm?
Was he a highly functioning alcoholic like Ulysses S Grant? Maybe.
(Sniggering)
- You might want to play along with him. - What?
And let him bust a Civil War-era cap in my ass? I don't think so.
They're harmless, just blanks.
- You won't feel anything. - (Laughs) Yes!
- General? - I'll be waiting in the field of valour.
(Stacy) For love and honour!
- (Door slams) - It's really quite fun!
We're gonna sell this house.
- To moving on. - And to my favourite roommate.
Aw. And just think, we don't have to be roommates any more.
You can fuck whoever you want, however you want.
- Whoo! - Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl,
downward facing dog, whatevs.
- I think that's a yoga term. - It is both a sex term and a yoga term.
- I learned that from Rick Springfield. - Please don't tell me any more.
That's the beauty of it. I fuck who I want, you fuck who you want,
and we don't have to discuss the details.
I don't have to hear all your shit about your pieces of class up the ass.
Not to go back on this, but you actually did offer me the ass one time.
- Right here in this very living room. - What was I thinking?
Dr Drew says you could get a prolapsed anus from that shit.
- Ooh. - Once you hit 80,
your ass is like, "Why'd you have to take it in the pooper that one time?
"Now you're gonna have to carry me around with you all day."
Oh, oh, oh. And right over here, huh?
The year that I got that UTK bonus, remember?
I came in. I bent you over the couch and...
And gave me the worst back pain I've ever experienced.
- Ha ha! - For years,
I had a man who liked to take it out of the comfortable bedroom, take it on the road.
- Great! - (Chuckles) That's right. Wow!
We really have humped all over this house, haven't we?
- Remember the kitchen-counter encounter? - Best night of my life.
Not mine! Days later, I was still finding crumbs in my folds.
- What about the powder room? - We never did it there.
That's true. There's one room in this house that was spared our unholy alliance.
- OK, let's go. Let's go, come on. - Where? What?
- We can't leave one room uninitiated. - No, no, no!
- We're moving on! - We cannot leave that room pristine,
because that would be a tragedy and this is a happy day. Let's go.
- What? No! - You move it, schoolgirl. Come on, let's go!
- You can't tell me what to do! - Daddy's coming, yah-hah!
- You sure these aren't actually loaded? - Just pick one, Moody.
So... ten paces and then turn?
I don't believe I have ever met a bigger pussy in my life.
You slept with the man's wife, didn't you? The code of honour demands it.
What do you know about honour, you numbnuts?
Silence. I'll have none of that filthy talk on this field of valour.
My bad.
This is quite fun, Chels, isn't it? Reminds me of the good old days
when we used to follow your father from battlefield to battlefield.
(Richard) Ladies... start your egos. (Felicia) Come on! Whoo!
Oh, for fuck's sake, Moody, stop fucking around! Come on!
(Both) Huh!
(Hank) Hmm!
(Richard) Come on, let's do this thing! (Karen) Come on!
(Richard) Let's go. (Stacy) Stand there.
- I hope Dad shoots him between the eyes. - I'll let that slide since this isn't a real duel.
(Hank mumbles) One, two, five, seven, nine, ten.
- (Gun clicks) - Oh, damn it to hell!
Well, Moody, take your shot!
What, you want me to shoot you?
Nah, it's all right. I'm good.
(Gun clicks) Oh!
Moody, I demand that you shoot me!
Oh, no can do. This whole thing is way too gay for me.
Hold on a second. You fucked the man's wife and now you refuse to shoot him?
You know, if it's all the same to you...
Aaargh!
Is this what's supposed to happen?
(Richard) Cool down, girls.
(Hank groans)
(Stacy) Ahh!
Well, I guess I deserved that.
- I'm sorry. I apologise. - No biggie.
No, it was ungentlemanly of me.
The purpose of a duel is to fight with honour and decorum.
- Ooh! - (Richard laughs)
Nice one, Dean. That was...
- Oh, you liked that, huh? - Yes, I did.
Well, you know something? You offend my honour.
- You offend my lady's honour. - Your lady?
Are you so sure she's really yours?
Shit, Moody, you couldn't own a woman like that.
Christ, I still remember the sound of her approaching climax.
Fucking choir of angels...
Ooh!
(All grunting)
(Hank) That's my ass!
I can't tell if they're joking or not.
(Indistinct shouting)
Got him!
- I think they're actually fighting. - Can I take you up on that drink?
(Laughs)
- (Moaning) - (Growling)
Fuck your pussy! Fuck your pussy!
Fuck my pussy? Or your pussy is my pussy, or...
- Shut up and pound me! - OK.
(Both grunting)
(Growls) God!
Oh, shit! Ow!
Oh, my back! Oh!
- Holy mother of fuck! - Ow! Help, help!
Why did I let you sit on the sink? The chick is supposed to sit on the sink!
That's bathroom boning 101!
- I can't move, I'm fucking drowning here! - You're drowning? Really?
A person can drown in this amount of water in certain circumstances.
- Oh, God! - Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Come here, you big baby!
Ow! Oh!
- Get over here. - Oh! OK!
- OK, climbing the toilet bowl! - Oh, fuck!
- We're almost home. - Sit, sit.
- (Charlie groans) - Wait.
What the fuck is that?
You had my name tattooed above your ass crack?
Jesus, I was drunk. I don't even remember getting it done.
- (Gasps) Charlie! - What? I'm getting it removed! I am!
- No, you're not! - What? You like it?
- No, I don't like it. It's fucking retarded. - Ow.
Retarded and sweet.
Just like you, Runkle.
Ow. Ow.
I guess I'd better take my walking wounded home, right?
That's if he ever comes out of the bathroom.
Are you... Are you OK with Becca spending the night?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. It's no problem.
It's nice for the girls to spend one last sleepover together
- before Becca leaves for New York. - Right.
- Good luck with that, by the way. - Thank you.
- (Toilet flushing) - Are you always so civilised?
(Laughs) Well, the wife of a general has certain responsibilities, you know?
- Of course. - Uh-huh.
Well...
I'll never be as pretty as I once was... and I'm peeing blood.
I got myself more of a foot soldier.
Some cannon fodder, really.
What did I miss?
- (Karen laughs) - What did I miss?
(Felicia sighs) Look at that.
One semester ends, another begins.
- You gonna do something about that? - What's the point, you know?
Nothing ever really changes around here. That's the beautiful thing about academia.
None of us can really function in the real world, so that's why we end up here.
- It sort of works for everyone, really. - (Hank) Mmm.
- We can't function anywhere else but here. - (Mimics Felicia) You can't. No, you can't.
- Ignore him. - What's he saying?
- I'm gonna go say good night to Richard. - (Mimics Felicia) No, you can't.
- (Normal voice) Go. I'm timing you. - Thank you for lunch.
I hope we didn't give you too hard a time of it today.
No, no worries. I'm fine.
My ass is a little sore, but that's normal for me.
It's all done with great affection.
You're such a mess, and you cause such chaos, but I wouldn't change anything.
- You sure about that? - Really, truly. It was a fabulous disaster.
- Hmm! - Come here.
- Be happy in New York. - Oh! There you go.
What about General Sherman? You gonna let him back in the house?
If you don't, I think he's gonna call in reinforcements.
- The cavalry, perhaps. - He does seem very determined.
Yeah. Passionate, one might say.
Oh, I do like that in a man.
- (Stacy) Felicia! I'm in a fever! - I better go tend to the General.
- Toodle-oo. - (Stacy) Soothe my brow!
Did you ladies have fun twisting the knife this afternoon?
- Absolutely. - Too much fun.
I'm so happy that I could give you a reason to come together and become friends.
Yeah, we're like BFFs now. She's gonna teach me how to pole-dance.
Mm, such a crying shame, Hank. Just think of all of the missed opportunities.
(Whimpers) Ow!
- (Both laugh) - Mm-hm.
(Richard) Moody...
If I hear you've gone and blown it with this gorgeous filly,
I will kick your ass and make her my queen.
- Ladies? - Yes.
- Take care, Karen. - Bye, have fun.
(Jackie) Bye.
- I can't believe I used to love that guy. - You'll get over it.
Come on, soldier, let's get you home.
You still have battles to fight, realms to conquer.
The child? What about the child?
The child is staying here tonight.
Oh!
Oh, wow! No wonder we never did it in the powder room, huh?
That was really not pleasant at all.
- (Chuckles) It wasn't great. - I don't mean the first part, of course.
I meant the second part. I enjoyed the shit out of humping you at first.
Yeah, well, we can sleep knowing we gave the next homeowners
a dirty sink and a plumbing problem.
(Both laugh sarcastically)
- Holy shit. - Mm?
They came - the divorce papers.
Whoa.
Big day, Charlie. Signing time.
Well, I can't move. You're gonna have to bring me a pen.
(Marcy sighs)
Hey, how was the first part for you, Marce? You never said.
What do you want me to say, Charlie?
The first part with you was great.
It's the last part that ended in disaster.
Yeah, yeah, but it doesn't have to, you know?
Because we could keep going, right?
You know, we... we turn the last part into the middle part.
And what happens when we get to the next shitty part?
There doesn't have to be a shitty part.
Baby...
there's always a shitty part with us.
(Marcy sighs)
(Grunting) Ow!
Hey.
(Marcy sniffles)
I appreciate the interest, I really do.
- You do? - Yes, I'm just...
I'm just not sure I'm...
in the moody.
Oh, no! But I am. I really am.
I mean, today was so exciting.
I could totally just, like, carry on from where we left off this morning.
My mind and my body are totally in sync.
I'm not sure that I like the implication of that.
What? It's very sexy for a man to fight for your honour.
Is it also very sexy to run into some old geezer you let bone you when you were 19?
You know, it just reminded me of being back at college again,
when life was so simple, and he was so...
(Camply) He was so passionate, so full of enthusiasm. I know, I know.
He was so big, actually.
Oh, gross!
I mean, not that that matters or anything, but, um...
- Well, you know, you saw the whole deal. - I saw nothing.
As far as I know, the man is a hermaphrodite.
Really? God, he was...
He was, like, the hottest assistant professor on the campus.
Everybody wanted to sleep with him. My friends were so jealous.
One time we were doing it in his office,
- and there was this line down the hall... - OK, that's it.
- I demand satisfaction! - Yes, yes, it worked!
Good. Mm. Are you gonna punish me?
You know I'm gonna have to live with that image in my head for the rest of my life.
I know.
I'm just not sure that my mind and my body are in sync either.
You know, the events of the day, all this fun you've had, it's bruised my mind.
It's traumatised me. It may very well undermine my ability to please you.
Really?
No, not really.