1 00:00:01,042 --> 00:00:02,960 Previously on Californication... 2 00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,130 - I'd like to introduce you to Richard Bates. - Big fan. 3 00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:09,133 Who wants to see me tuck and do the pee pee dance? 4 00:00:09,634 --> 00:00:11,385 - (Growls) - Whoa! 5 00:00:12,220 --> 00:00:16,140 - We're really gonna do this? Sell the place? - Isn't that what we want? 6 00:00:16,182 --> 00:00:17,641 Yeah, sure. I guess. 7 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:19,309 I just want to be done with it already. 8 00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:22,438 I want to sell this fucking house and get on with the rest of my life. 9 00:00:22,480 --> 00:00:24,648 You're saying just pack up and leave LA? 10 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:26,608 The three of us move back to New York together? 11 00:00:26,651 --> 00:00:29,236 Yeah, end of the semester, whatever. 12 00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:33,032 - So which one are you sleeping with? - Excuse me? 13 00:00:33,074 --> 00:00:35,701 My bets are on the young, voluptuous student. 14 00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:38,162 This is so not fair. 15 00:00:38,204 --> 00:00:40,080 I'm in love with you, Hank Moody. 16 00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:41,832 Oh! 17 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,126 I've never stepped outside of my marriage before. 18 00:00:44,169 --> 00:00:45,669 Please! Go! 19 00:00:46,838 --> 00:00:48,297 Something must be different. 20 00:00:48,339 --> 00:00:50,966 - That's right. You fucked my wife. - Well, there's that. 21 00:00:51,009 --> 00:00:52,718 - What does that mean? - You didn't tell her? 22 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,511 - Tell me what? - Becca's father and I 23 00:00:54,554 --> 00:00:57,556 - had a slight indiscretion. - She's gotta be kidding me, right? 24 00:00:57,599 --> 00:01:00,476 I don't want to hear about Felicia and her midlife crisis. 25 00:01:00,560 --> 00:01:02,770 Wait, who else has he been fucking? 26 00:01:02,812 --> 00:01:04,438 - You're a goddamn girl whisperer. - OK. 27 00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:07,107 I can't believe you slept with all of them. 28 00:01:07,150 --> 00:01:09,485 - Will you live? - I'm trying. 29 00:01:09,527 --> 00:01:11,070 That's all anybody can ask for. 30 00:01:11,112 --> 00:01:12,613 Oh, hey, check this out. 31 00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:13,989 Yeah. 32 00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:26,376 (Sighs) 33 00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:29,630 Lordy bagordy, we made some fucking love, woman. 34 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:32,966 They should put us in The Joy Of Sex. 35 00:01:33,009 --> 00:01:36,512 A nice little pencil sketch of us doing it. We're that good. 36 00:01:36,554 --> 00:01:38,639 (Laughs) Who are you right now? 37 00:01:39,599 --> 00:01:42,601 I'm not sensing the same level of enthusiasm from you. 38 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:45,729 Oh, no! I... It was good. 39 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,857 Come to think of it, you weren't quite as vocal as you normally are. 40 00:01:48,900 --> 00:01:50,943 I mean, you've never been a screamer per se, 41 00:01:50,985 --> 00:01:55,989 but I can always count on you for a little intense moaning. Ah-hooo! 42 00:01:56,032 --> 00:01:57,950 - Hank, stop it. - Ah-hooo! 43 00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,786 - Thank you. Thank you for that. - Ooh-hoo! 44 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:05,415 A woman does love a re-enactment of the most vulnerable moment. 45 00:02:05,458 --> 00:02:06,875 Oh, baby. 46 00:02:06,918 --> 00:02:08,585 But you got there, right? 47 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,840 Close. 48 00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,592 Oh, I see what you're saying. It was, like, a tiny one. 49 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,554 - That happens. That's understandable. - Not so much. 50 00:02:19,430 --> 00:02:21,098 What? Are you serious? 51 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:24,351 You mean not even a little one? Like a micro-orgasm? 52 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:27,396 - No. - Are you sure? Jesus, this is upsetting. 53 00:02:27,438 --> 00:02:30,107 The truth is, Hank, we've been through some... 54 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,401 We've been through some really hard times. 55 00:02:32,443 --> 00:02:33,777 - I know that. - So... 56 00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,156 But we've always had our fire and our passion. 57 00:02:38,032 --> 00:02:40,951 Our beautiful sex organs don't know about our problems, 58 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,703 and we should definitely keep them out of it. 59 00:02:42,745 --> 00:02:44,872 You got to give me another chance to please you... 60 00:02:44,956 --> 00:02:46,957 No, no, no, no. We can't. It's too late. 61 00:02:47,041 --> 00:02:49,459 It's not gonna work. No, there's too much pressure! 62 00:02:49,502 --> 00:02:52,462 Ah! No, no, no. Anyway, we have plans. 63 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:55,090 It's Saturday. I can do this all day. 64 00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:58,010 - Felicia. - Felicia. 65 00:02:58,052 --> 00:03:00,012 - Your new friend. Yes. - What? No! 66 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:01,763 - She invited us for lunch. - Oh. 67 00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,391 - I know. I had to say yes, because... - No, you didn't. 68 00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:08,103 God, that woman is so annoying. She's so irritating. Argh! 69 00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:11,440 Oh, yeah, that's good. Like that, only louder and deeper. 70 00:03:11,482 --> 00:03:15,402 - I can work with that. Me love you long time. - No, no, it's over! Ah! It's over. 71 00:03:15,445 --> 00:03:18,238 - I gotta go. I got to get ready. - Oh... All right. 72 00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:19,907 Just give me a moment. 73 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:24,661 While I talk my testicles into descending. 74 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,580 (Running water) 75 00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:29,124 Guys? 76 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,629 (Woman laughing) 77 00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:18,966 (Karen) Wow. 78 00:04:19,008 --> 00:04:22,094 Looks like there's some kind of a book club or something. 79 00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:23,762 (Hank) Of a sort. 80 00:04:23,805 --> 00:04:26,723 - (Indistinct chatter) - (Hank) Oh, dear. 81 00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:29,977 (Becca) At least it won't be a dull Saturday afternoon. 82 00:04:30,019 --> 00:04:33,397 Welcome. Hello. Come in. 83 00:04:33,481 --> 00:04:35,065 Oh, you shouldn't have. Thank you. 84 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:38,694 No, it is you who shouldn't have. This is quite a surprise. 85 00:04:38,736 --> 00:04:41,029 I think "pleasure" is the word you were looking for. 86 00:04:41,072 --> 00:04:43,782 - Or "surprise". - They all heard I was having you over. 87 00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,994 Guess the whole ya-ya sisterhood had to get in on it, huh? 88 00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:50,789 Well, we can't let you skip town without a fond farewell. 89 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:54,376 Our last class was very unsatisfying, since you didn't teach us anything. 90 00:04:54,419 --> 00:04:56,461 Karen? This is Jill. 91 00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,839 She was Hank's teaching assistant this semester. 92 00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:01,300 - And that's Jackie. - Hey, Jackie. 93 00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:04,720 - We met in class, right? - (Jackie) Yes, in a way. 94 00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,596 Why don't I come with you guys? 95 00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:09,516 We can hang out, try on some lip gloss. 96 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,643 - You know, sparkly? - You made your bed. 97 00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:14,563 Yeah, and now you're gonna have to lie in it. Have fun, Hank. 98 00:05:22,405 --> 00:05:24,948 Wake the fuck up, Runkle. 99 00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,618 (Exhales sharply) Open house time. 100 00:05:28,661 --> 00:05:32,873 You know the house won't sell if we're within five miles of it. 101 00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,375 Give me ten minutes, ten minutes! 102 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:38,420 Come on! We gotta jet. 103 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:42,507 Buyers can smell our impending divorce from the freeway. 104 00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:44,801 Coming! I'm coming! 105 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,970 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 106 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,389 Oh, God, you really are coming. Barf. 107 00:05:49,432 --> 00:05:51,016 I told you! 108 00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:54,394 And I told you! She never fucking listens, am I right? 109 00:05:58,149 --> 00:06:00,484 Hi. Um, you must be Marcy. I'm... 110 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,778 Getting your pants and getting the fuck outta my house. 111 00:06:02,820 --> 00:06:04,863 Now, please. Thank you. 112 00:06:04,906 --> 00:06:07,366 There's a good girl. Off you go! 113 00:06:08,242 --> 00:06:09,451 Yeah. 114 00:06:09,535 --> 00:06:11,953 - I'll call you! - (Scoffs) 115 00:06:11,996 --> 00:06:14,247 Really? The floor? That's your move? 116 00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,833 You said not to mess up the bed if we're showing the house. 117 00:06:16,876 --> 00:06:18,085 Christ, Runkle! 118 00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:21,797 I'm sorry she's not a coke-snorting teen idol or a big black rapist! 119 00:06:21,839 --> 00:06:26,843 - Not everyone can have class up the ass. - No ass, just class. 120 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:33,725 Oh, my God! I could take the stubbornness, really I could, 121 00:06:33,768 --> 00:06:36,144 and the substance abuse, and the lateness 122 00:06:36,187 --> 00:06:39,773 and the "cooler than school and all the rest of us" ne'er-do-well attitude, 123 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:43,485 but the thing that absolutely got me was the unwarranted advice 124 00:06:43,528 --> 00:06:45,445 about my biological clock. 125 00:06:46,197 --> 00:06:49,366 Oh, but, you know, he's fully qualified to do that, 126 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,369 because he has such a deep understanding of womanhood. 127 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:55,831 Shouldn't you be defending me? Talking up my good points? 128 00:06:55,873 --> 00:06:57,791 Well, yeah, I will later. 129 00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:03,213 Right now I'm really enjoying this kind of appraisal of your little idiosyncrasies, 130 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:07,092 you know, the things that I have grown to know and love about you. 131 00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:10,554 - The cracks... That's how the light gets in. - More Pimm's, anyone? 132 00:07:10,596 --> 00:07:13,765 Oh, yeah, hit me with that. You know, it's not an act, this whole thing. 133 00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:16,810 I'm very sensitive to the pain and suffering of women. 134 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:19,146 I listen to them. I'm aware of that shit. 135 00:07:19,188 --> 00:07:20,730 (Jackie) OK, that's true. 136 00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,733 In his defence, I must say that he paid me... 137 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:27,028 - tons of special attention in class. - Not special. 138 00:07:27,071 --> 00:07:29,406 No, Jackie! He did not! 139 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:33,326 Jackie's writing's actually very good. I read some of her short stories. 140 00:07:33,369 --> 00:07:34,995 - You have? - Yeah, sure I have. 141 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,747 I had to write her a recommendation to the graduate writing programme. 142 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:41,793 - She couldn't very well ask you. - When is luncheon gonna be served? 143 00:07:41,836 --> 00:07:44,254 That's why we're here, right? And I'm curious. 144 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:47,048 I wanna know how it's different from actual lunch. 145 00:07:47,091 --> 00:07:50,552 We have one last guest, who's a late arrival. 146 00:07:50,595 --> 00:07:54,347 - Oh, here's the latecomer now. - It's not a lady. Please say not a lady. 147 00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:57,100 - Mm! - Oh, my... 148 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,019 Is that Richard Bates? 149 00:07:59,103 --> 00:08:02,355 Yeah, Richard Bates. Crack The Sky. You know him? 150 00:08:02,398 --> 00:08:03,523 Know him? 151 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:06,526 - Karen, is that you? - God! Richard! 152 00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:09,446 Oh, my God! You look exactly the same. 153 00:08:09,489 --> 00:08:11,907 Exactly the same as what... exactly? 154 00:08:11,949 --> 00:08:13,867 - I mean, even more beautiful. - My God! 155 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:18,038 I can picture you right now standing under the arch in Washington Square Park, 156 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,124 - wind blowing your hair... - And you blowing me off, you asshole. 157 00:08:21,167 --> 00:08:24,544 Oh, asshole? I like where this is going, him being an asshole and all, 158 00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:26,838 but d'you wanna fill me in on... 159 00:08:26,881 --> 00:08:29,966 - the rest of this shit? - Oh, my God... You gave me a C! 160 00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,511 When you sleep with your professor, isn't that... 161 00:08:32,553 --> 00:08:35,639 - you're meant to get a B? - Hey, what, you slept with him? 162 00:08:35,681 --> 00:08:38,058 The glorious "mangina" here? 163 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,144 This is my professor that I had an affair with as an undergraduate. 164 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,438 - I know it was like 100 years ago... - Think I'm gonna be sick. 165 00:08:43,481 --> 00:08:45,982 - You look incredible. - It feels just like yesterday. 166 00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:48,276 - Worst day of my life. - God, you look great. 167 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:50,779 Thank you. You're not with Bush League here, are you? 168 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,739 - Oh... - Fuck, yeah, she... is. 169 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,908 (Karen) Well... kinda. (Richard) Really? 170 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:56,368 (Whispers) 171 00:08:56,410 --> 00:09:00,580 What? No, don't keep secrets from the rest of the class. 172 00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:04,960 You planted the seed - that writer thing, my attraction to writers. (Laughs) 173 00:09:05,002 --> 00:09:08,755 - Oh, hey, hey, hey! Have a drink. - (Richard laughs) 174 00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:13,260 How'd you snag her, anyway? The old "I'm an agent" spiel? 175 00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:16,221 Hey, it's not a spiel. I'm an agent. 176 00:09:16,264 --> 00:09:18,682 She has a dream, she's a waitress. 177 00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:21,893 In your language, waitress means stripper. She's a stripper. 178 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:25,230 No, no, no. She is a cocktail waitress with a screenplay. 179 00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:26,481 (Sniggers) 180 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:31,194 OK, OK. An idea for a screenplay. Still, I see potential, and I just... 181 00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:33,697 Oh, please! You see blow job. 182 00:09:33,739 --> 00:09:37,158 Do I detect a note of jealousy? 183 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:39,035 Mm. 184 00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:41,746 Like I could be jealous of a food-service professional 185 00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:44,374 with an idea for a screenplay. 186 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,668 - And her boobs. - (Laughs) You are! 187 00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:50,463 Marcy Runkle is jealous. I never thought I'd see the day. 188 00:09:50,506 --> 00:09:54,759 Ah! Go with God. I got mine, it's only right you get yours. 189 00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:56,344 Hey, Marcy... 190 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:59,889 I have said all along - I still love you. 191 00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:04,102 - It's not what you say, Charlie. - What do you mean? 192 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,895 It's "Out of sight, out of mind." 193 00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:07,939 "See Marcy, want Marcy." 194 00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:10,400 "No see Marcy, want boobies." 195 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,819 (Phone ringtone: Jessie's girl) 196 00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,988 Really? Still? 197 00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:17,574 Jesus fuck, I forgot to change my ringtone. 198 00:10:17,617 --> 00:10:21,703 Please allow me. Eat my bent wang, Rick Springfield. 199 00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,289 Wait, get that. It's Sharon. 200 00:10:24,332 --> 00:10:26,625 - Oh. - Sharon? 201 00:10:28,252 --> 00:10:30,670 Mm-hm. You're shitting me. 202 00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:32,797 Yeah. 203 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:37,802 - We have an offer. - (Stifled scream) 204 00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:41,931 Where were you off to when you dumped me? Was it Nepal? 205 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,184 It was Egypt. 206 00:10:44,226 --> 00:10:47,854 You know, I etched your name in stone atop the pyramid at Giza. 207 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,190 - I wish that were true. - Bullshit! 208 00:10:50,232 --> 00:10:52,859 - (Laughs) - (Hank) Staying home is very nice too. 209 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:56,321 It's cosy. You don't need a passport, no shots. 210 00:10:56,364 --> 00:11:00,116 So you would recommend the experience of sleeping with your teacher? 211 00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:01,951 See that? See what you've gone and done? 212 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:04,621 - You've set a bad example, woman. - You were just so sexy. 213 00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:09,000 I can't exactly be judgmental, because that is how I met Chelsea's father. 214 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:13,713 I was in graduate school, and I took one of his ridiculous Civil War classes. 215 00:11:13,756 --> 00:11:16,800 Loved to teach, you know, so passionate about what he was doing. 216 00:11:16,842 --> 00:11:19,386 That's it! You were so passionate. 217 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:24,891 - That's what turns me on. - Yes, but that kind of passion burns you out. 218 00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:29,270 - That kind of intensity, no bueno. - Look at him! He's not burnt out! 219 00:11:29,313 --> 00:11:31,523 The man had a serious breakdown recently. 220 00:11:31,565 --> 00:11:34,609 - Hmm. - Public nudity and... singing. 221 00:11:36,278 --> 00:11:39,781 - Smuggling Dr Johnson... - Oh, my poor love! I'm so sorry. 222 00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:43,159 Don't be. Truthfully, it was the best thing that's happened to me in years. 223 00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:48,581 For a man to be just broken down to his most naked, most vulnerable self. 224 00:11:48,624 --> 00:11:52,293 - Mm-hm. - Just stripped of all irony, all vanity. 225 00:11:52,336 --> 00:11:56,965 I mean, I don't think I've ever been so deeply in touch with my feminine side. 226 00:11:57,007 --> 00:12:00,468 - That's beautiful. It's really profound. - No, it wasn't. It was queer. 227 00:12:00,511 --> 00:12:02,470 Not queer as in gay, it was queer as in odd. 228 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:06,850 Downright lunatic, as a matter of fact, and I had to step in for him at that point 229 00:12:06,892 --> 00:12:10,854 with my passion, my intensity, cos I'm all about that stuff. 230 00:12:10,896 --> 00:12:14,023 Yeah, the guy who once fell asleep during his own lecture. 231 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,151 One time! I did that one time. 232 00:12:16,193 --> 00:12:20,196 I was boring myself, and I thought it was an honest reaction to actually fall asleep. 233 00:12:20,239 --> 00:12:23,992 Well, Moody, word on the street is you couldn't teach your way out of a paper bag. 234 00:12:24,034 --> 00:12:25,910 Where'd you hear that? 235 00:12:25,953 --> 00:12:28,872 Oh, I may have lobbed a few random emails here and there. 236 00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:31,332 - (Man) Moody! - (Door slams) 237 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:33,835 That sounds like Stacy. That's odd. 238 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:36,463 Justice will be served! 239 00:12:37,506 --> 00:12:40,008 - (Stifled laughter) - (Richard) Oh dear. 240 00:12:40,050 --> 00:12:41,384 Ladies. 241 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,636 Moody... 242 00:12:44,555 --> 00:12:47,140 I demand... satisfaction. 243 00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:50,769 Well, General Sherman, nice of you to join us. 244 00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:55,023 William Tecumseh Sherman, no. Yet another sign of your blazing ignorance. 245 00:12:55,065 --> 00:13:00,236 No. Major General George Henry Thomas, Rock of Chickamauga. 246 00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:02,322 Well, pleased to make your acquaintance. 247 00:13:02,364 --> 00:13:05,325 I don't know whether to shake your hand or your sword, or... 248 00:13:05,367 --> 00:13:08,495 The day of reckoning is at hand. It's time for you to answer for your sins. 249 00:13:08,537 --> 00:13:12,332 - You and I will duel on this fine day... - Duel! (Chuckles) 250 00:13:12,374 --> 00:13:14,375 ...like men! 251 00:13:14,418 --> 00:13:16,586 - Ah. Men of what century? - (Gasping) 252 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,631 - Dear God, he's completely blotto. - How can you tell? 253 00:13:19,673 --> 00:13:22,342 He must have gone drinking with those re-enactment people. 254 00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:24,636 - You mock me? - Guilty. 255 00:13:24,678 --> 00:13:27,347 I challenge you to a duel, and this is how you respond? 256 00:13:27,389 --> 00:13:29,641 Personally, I love a good duel. (Laughs) 257 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:33,686 Bates! You're back and lookin' good. 258 00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,480 Let's go, Moody. 259 00:13:35,523 --> 00:13:39,317 You've defiled my wife, brought dishonour to this house, the university. 260 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:41,069 I'll stand for it no more. 261 00:13:41,111 --> 00:13:44,364 And get your filthy car out of my driveway. 262 00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:48,993 Stacy. Stacy, you might want to rest up. Hank doesn't want to play these games. 263 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,579 - No, Hank don't wanna play. - They always lose, you see. 264 00:13:51,622 --> 00:13:54,791 The Union Army gets defeated at the Battle of Chickamauga, then they go out drinking. 265 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,878 He held until nightfall, preventing an even greater Union defeat! 266 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:02,549 How? Because General Thomas refused to surrender Horseshoe Ridge. 267 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:05,593 Was he the flashiest Civil War general? No. 268 00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:09,055 Did he impress the ladies? Hm? 269 00:14:09,098 --> 00:14:14,352 Was he a highly functioning alcoholic like Ulysses S Grant? Maybe. 270 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,104 (Sniggering) 271 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:20,942 - You might want to play along with him. - What? 272 00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:24,821 And let him bust a Civil War-era cap in my ass? I don't think so. 273 00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,489 They're harmless, just blanks. 274 00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:30,285 - You won't feel anything. - (Laughs) Yes! 275 00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:33,454 - General? - I'll be waiting in the field of valour. 276 00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,500 (Stacy) For love and honour! 277 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:40,879 - (Door slams) - It's really quite fun! 278 00:14:42,673 --> 00:14:44,757 We're gonna sell this house. 279 00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:51,097 - To moving on. - And to my favourite roommate. 280 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:54,392 Aw. And just think, we don't have to be roommates any more. 281 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,853 You can fuck whoever you want, however you want. 282 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:59,439 - Whoo! - Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl, 283 00:14:59,481 --> 00:15:01,941 downward facing dog, whatevs. 284 00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:06,237 - I think that's a yoga term. - It is both a sex term and a yoga term. 285 00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:10,783 - I learned that from Rick Springfield. - Please don't tell me any more. 286 00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:14,454 That's the beauty of it. I fuck who I want, you fuck who you want, 287 00:15:14,496 --> 00:15:17,040 and we don't have to discuss the details. 288 00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:20,835 I don't have to hear all your shit about your pieces of class up the ass. 289 00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:25,173 Not to go back on this, but you actually did offer me the ass one time. 290 00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:28,551 - Right here in this very living room. - What was I thinking? 291 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:31,763 Dr Drew says you could get a prolapsed anus from that shit. 292 00:15:31,805 --> 00:15:33,640 - Ooh. - Once you hit 80, 293 00:15:33,682 --> 00:15:36,809 your ass is like, "Why'd you have to take it in the pooper that one time? 294 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:39,395 "Now you're gonna have to carry me around with you all day." 295 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:42,315 Oh, oh, oh. And right over here, huh? 296 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,692 The year that I got that UTK bonus, remember? 297 00:15:44,735 --> 00:15:47,445 I came in. I bent you over the couch and... 298 00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:50,490 And gave me the worst back pain I've ever experienced. 299 00:15:50,532 --> 00:15:52,367 - Ha ha! - For years, 300 00:15:52,409 --> 00:15:56,996 I had a man who liked to take it out of the comfortable bedroom, take it on the road. 301 00:15:57,039 --> 00:16:01,125 - Great! - (Chuckles) That's right. Wow! 302 00:16:01,168 --> 00:16:04,295 We really have humped all over this house, haven't we? 303 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:08,174 - Remember the kitchen-counter encounter? - Best night of my life. 304 00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:12,637 Not mine! Days later, I was still finding crumbs in my folds. 305 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,224 - What about the powder room? - We never did it there. 306 00:16:16,266 --> 00:16:21,354 That's true. There's one room in this house that was spared our unholy alliance. 307 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:24,190 - OK, let's go. Let's go, come on. - Where? What? 308 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,150 - We can't leave one room uninitiated. - No, no, no! 309 00:16:26,193 --> 00:16:28,319 - We're moving on! - We cannot leave that room pristine, 310 00:16:28,362 --> 00:16:31,155 because that would be a tragedy and this is a happy day. Let's go. 311 00:16:31,198 --> 00:16:33,992 - What? No! - You move it, schoolgirl. Come on, let's go! 312 00:16:34,034 --> 00:16:37,245 - You can't tell me what to do! - Daddy's coming, yah-hah! 313 00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:40,748 - You sure these aren't actually loaded? - Just pick one, Moody. 314 00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,875 So... ten paces and then turn? 315 00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:45,837 I don't believe I have ever met a bigger pussy in my life. 316 00:16:45,879 --> 00:16:49,799 You slept with the man's wife, didn't you? The code of honour demands it. 317 00:16:49,842 --> 00:16:51,634 What do you know about honour, you numbnuts? 318 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:54,887 Silence. I'll have none of that filthy talk on this field of valour. 319 00:16:54,930 --> 00:16:56,222 My bad. 320 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:59,642 This is quite fun, Chels, isn't it? Reminds me of the good old days 321 00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,687 when we used to follow your father from battlefield to battlefield. 322 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:07,233 (Richard) Ladies... start your egos. (Felicia) Come on! Whoo! 323 00:17:09,611 --> 00:17:13,197 Oh, for fuck's sake, Moody, stop fucking around! Come on! 324 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,407 (Both) Huh! 325 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:15,533 (Hank) Hmm! 326 00:17:16,618 --> 00:17:19,370 (Richard) Come on, let's do this thing! (Karen) Come on! 327 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:21,581 (Richard) Let's go. (Stacy) Stand there. 328 00:17:21,623 --> 00:17:28,046 - I hope Dad shoots him between the eyes. - I'll let that slide since this isn't a real duel. 329 00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:33,760 (Hank mumbles) One, two, five, seven, nine, ten. 330 00:17:35,304 --> 00:17:37,972 - (Gun clicks) - Oh, damn it to hell! 331 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:40,058 Well, Moody, take your shot! 332 00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:41,726 What, you want me to shoot you? 333 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:43,436 Nah, it's all right. I'm good. 334 00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,313 (Gun clicks) Oh! 335 00:17:45,355 --> 00:17:47,440 Moody, I demand that you shoot me! 336 00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:50,693 Oh, no can do. This whole thing is way too gay for me. 337 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:54,655 Hold on a second. You fucked the man's wife and now you refuse to shoot him? 338 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:56,908 You know, if it's all the same to you... 339 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,285 Aaargh! 340 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,123 Is this what's supposed to happen? 341 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:06,876 (Richard) Cool down, girls. 342 00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:08,586 (Hank groans) 343 00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:10,713 (Stacy) Ahh! 344 00:18:10,798 --> 00:18:12,507 Well, I guess I deserved that. 345 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:17,887 - I'm sorry. I apologise. - No biggie. 346 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,598 No, it was ungentlemanly of me. 347 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:25,436 The purpose of a duel is to fight with honour and decorum. 348 00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,230 - Ooh! - (Richard laughs) 349 00:18:28,023 --> 00:18:29,899 Nice one, Dean. That was... 350 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:32,527 - Oh, you liked that, huh? - Yes, I did. 351 00:18:32,569 --> 00:18:35,071 Well, you know something? You offend my honour. 352 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,949 - You offend my lady's honour. - Your lady? 353 00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:40,076 Are you so sure she's really yours? 354 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,620 Shit, Moody, you couldn't own a woman like that. 355 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:46,791 Christ, I still remember the sound of her approaching climax. 356 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,543 Fucking choir of angels... 357 00:18:48,585 --> 00:18:50,002 Ooh! 358 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,047 (All grunting) 359 00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:55,967 (Hank) That's my ass! 360 00:18:56,009 --> 00:18:58,094 I can't tell if they're joking or not. 361 00:18:58,137 --> 00:19:02,056 (Indistinct shouting) 362 00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,307 Got him! 363 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:07,603 - I think they're actually fighting. - Can I take you up on that drink? 364 00:19:07,646 --> 00:19:09,480 (Laughs) 365 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:12,233 - (Moaning) - (Growling) 366 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:16,070 Fuck your pussy! Fuck your pussy! 367 00:19:16,113 --> 00:19:19,073 Fuck my pussy? Or your pussy is my pussy, or... 368 00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:21,284 - Shut up and pound me! - OK. 369 00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,077 (Both grunting) 370 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,871 (Growls) God! 371 00:19:24,913 --> 00:19:27,165 Oh, shit! Ow! 372 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:29,125 Oh, my back! Oh! 373 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:32,879 - Holy mother of fuck! - Ow! Help, help! 374 00:19:32,921 --> 00:19:36,174 Why did I let you sit on the sink? The chick is supposed to sit on the sink! 375 00:19:36,216 --> 00:19:38,301 That's bathroom boning 101! 376 00:19:38,343 --> 00:19:42,346 - I can't move, I'm fucking drowning here! - You're drowning? Really? 377 00:19:42,389 --> 00:19:45,057 A person can drown in this amount of water in certain circumstances. 378 00:19:45,100 --> 00:19:48,477 - Oh, God! - Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow! 379 00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:49,937 Come here, you big baby! 380 00:19:49,980 --> 00:19:52,064 Ow! Oh! 381 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:54,817 - Get over here. - Oh! OK! 382 00:19:54,860 --> 00:19:58,696 - OK, climbing the toilet bowl! - Oh, fuck! 383 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:00,823 - We're almost home. - Sit, sit. 384 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:04,535 - (Charlie groans) - Wait. 385 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,996 What the fuck is that? 386 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:09,832 You had my name tattooed above your ass crack? 387 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,460 Jesus, I was drunk. I don't even remember getting it done. 388 00:20:12,502 --> 00:20:15,880 - (Gasps) Charlie! - What? I'm getting it removed! I am! 389 00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:19,425 - No, you're not! - What? You like it? 390 00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:22,803 - No, I don't like it. It's fucking retarded. - Ow. 391 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,640 Retarded and sweet. 392 00:20:25,682 --> 00:20:27,225 Just like you, Runkle. 393 00:20:27,267 --> 00:20:29,685 Ow. Ow. 394 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:36,234 I guess I'd better take my walking wounded home, right? 395 00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,653 That's if he ever comes out of the bathroom. 396 00:20:39,655 --> 00:20:43,366 Are you... Are you OK with Becca spending the night? 397 00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:45,993 Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. It's no problem. 398 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:49,288 It's nice for the girls to spend one last sleepover together 399 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,290 - before Becca leaves for New York. - Right. 400 00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:54,126 - Good luck with that, by the way. - Thank you. 401 00:20:55,879 --> 00:20:58,673 - (Toilet flushing) - Are you always so civilised? 402 00:20:58,715 --> 00:21:03,261 (Laughs) Well, the wife of a general has certain responsibilities, you know? 403 00:21:03,303 --> 00:21:05,096 - Of course. - Uh-huh. 404 00:21:05,138 --> 00:21:07,181 Well... 405 00:21:07,224 --> 00:21:11,352 I'll never be as pretty as I once was... and I'm peeing blood. 406 00:21:11,395 --> 00:21:13,896 I got myself more of a foot soldier. 407 00:21:13,939 --> 00:21:15,856 Some cannon fodder, really. 408 00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:19,318 What did I miss? 409 00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,112 - (Karen laughs) - What did I miss? 410 00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:24,490 (Felicia sighs) Look at that. 411 00:21:24,533 --> 00:21:28,244 One semester ends, another begins. 412 00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:32,999 - You gonna do something about that? - What's the point, you know? 413 00:21:33,041 --> 00:21:36,460 Nothing ever really changes around here. That's the beautiful thing about academia. 414 00:21:36,503 --> 00:21:40,715 None of us can really function in the real world, so that's why we end up here. 415 00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:43,301 - It sort of works for everyone, really. - (Hank) Mmm. 416 00:21:43,343 --> 00:21:49,223 - We can't function anywhere else but here. - (Mimics Felicia) You can't. No, you can't. 417 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:51,767 - Ignore him. - What's he saying? 418 00:21:51,810 --> 00:21:56,772 - I'm gonna go say good night to Richard. - (Mimics Felicia) No, you can't. 419 00:21:56,815 --> 00:22:00,026 - (Normal voice) Go. I'm timing you. - Thank you for lunch. 420 00:22:00,068 --> 00:22:03,070 I hope we didn't give you too hard a time of it today. 421 00:22:03,113 --> 00:22:04,989 No, no worries. I'm fine. 422 00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:08,075 My ass is a little sore, but that's normal for me. 423 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:09,702 It's all done with great affection. 424 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:13,164 You're such a mess, and you cause such chaos, but I wouldn't change anything. 425 00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:16,876 - You sure about that? - Really, truly. It was a fabulous disaster. 426 00:22:16,918 --> 00:22:18,711 - Hmm! - Come here. 427 00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,796 - Be happy in New York. - Oh! There you go. 428 00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:23,007 What about General Sherman? You gonna let him back in the house? 429 00:22:23,050 --> 00:22:25,176 If you don't, I think he's gonna call in reinforcements. 430 00:22:25,218 --> 00:22:28,512 - The cavalry, perhaps. - He does seem very determined. 431 00:22:28,597 --> 00:22:31,640 Yeah. Passionate, one might say. 432 00:22:31,725 --> 00:22:34,143 Oh, I do like that in a man. 433 00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:39,065 - (Stacy) Felicia! I'm in a fever! - I better go tend to the General. 434 00:22:39,107 --> 00:22:41,901 - Toodle-oo. - (Stacy) Soothe my brow! 435 00:22:44,946 --> 00:22:47,990 Did you ladies have fun twisting the knife this afternoon? 436 00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:50,409 - Absolutely. - Too much fun. 437 00:22:50,452 --> 00:22:56,082 I'm so happy that I could give you a reason to come together and become friends. 438 00:22:56,124 --> 00:22:59,377 Yeah, we're like BFFs now. She's gonna teach me how to pole-dance. 439 00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:04,340 Mm, such a crying shame, Hank. Just think of all of the missed opportunities. 440 00:23:04,383 --> 00:23:06,175 (Whimpers) Ow! 441 00:23:06,218 --> 00:23:08,677 - (Both laugh) - Mm-hm. 442 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,096 (Richard) Moody... 443 00:23:10,972 --> 00:23:14,558 If I hear you've gone and blown it with this gorgeous filly, 444 00:23:14,601 --> 00:23:18,270 I will kick your ass and make her my queen. 445 00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:20,064 - Ladies? - Yes. 446 00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:23,150 - Take care, Karen. - Bye, have fun. 447 00:23:23,193 --> 00:23:24,693 (Jackie) Bye. 448 00:23:24,736 --> 00:23:28,906 - I can't believe I used to love that guy. - You'll get over it. 449 00:23:28,949 --> 00:23:30,950 Come on, soldier, let's get you home. 450 00:23:30,992 --> 00:23:34,703 You still have battles to fight, realms to conquer. 451 00:23:34,746 --> 00:23:37,623 The child? What about the child? 452 00:23:37,666 --> 00:23:40,334 The child is staying here tonight. 453 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,383 Oh! 454 00:23:48,427 --> 00:23:52,388 Oh, wow! No wonder we never did it in the powder room, huh? 455 00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,849 That was really not pleasant at all. 456 00:23:54,891 --> 00:23:58,936 - (Chuckles) It wasn't great. - I don't mean the first part, of course. 457 00:23:58,979 --> 00:24:02,648 I meant the second part. I enjoyed the shit out of humping you at first. 458 00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:05,651 Yeah, well, we can sleep knowing we gave the next homeowners 459 00:24:05,694 --> 00:24:07,611 a dirty sink and a plumbing problem. 460 00:24:07,654 --> 00:24:10,030 (Both laugh sarcastically) 461 00:24:12,117 --> 00:24:13,951 - Holy shit. - Mm? 462 00:24:14,035 --> 00:24:17,288 They came - the divorce papers. 463 00:24:18,707 --> 00:24:20,207 Whoa. 464 00:24:22,544 --> 00:24:25,588 Big day, Charlie. Signing time. 465 00:24:25,630 --> 00:24:29,216 Well, I can't move. You're gonna have to bring me a pen. 466 00:24:31,178 --> 00:24:32,720 (Marcy sighs) 467 00:24:38,226 --> 00:24:42,021 Hey, how was the first part for you, Marce? You never said. 468 00:24:42,063 --> 00:24:44,190 What do you want me to say, Charlie? 469 00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:46,525 The first part with you was great. 470 00:24:46,568 --> 00:24:49,028 It's the last part that ended in disaster. 471 00:24:49,070 --> 00:24:52,031 Yeah, yeah, but it doesn't have to, you know? 472 00:24:52,073 --> 00:24:55,201 Because we could keep going, right? 473 00:24:55,243 --> 00:24:59,705 You know, we... we turn the last part into the middle part. 474 00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:02,917 And what happens when we get to the next shitty part? 475 00:25:02,959 --> 00:25:05,544 There doesn't have to be a shitty part. 476 00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:08,047 Baby... 477 00:25:08,089 --> 00:25:11,175 there's always a shitty part with us. 478 00:25:16,056 --> 00:25:17,389 (Marcy sighs) 479 00:25:18,099 --> 00:25:20,309 (Grunting) Ow! 480 00:25:23,063 --> 00:25:24,688 Hey. 481 00:25:37,744 --> 00:25:39,161 (Marcy sniffles) 482 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:46,043 I appreciate the interest, I really do. 483 00:25:46,086 --> 00:25:48,128 - You do? - Yes, I'm just... 484 00:25:48,171 --> 00:25:50,839 I'm just not sure I'm... 485 00:25:51,758 --> 00:25:53,300 in the moody. 486 00:25:53,343 --> 00:25:57,555 Oh, no! But I am. I really am. 487 00:25:57,597 --> 00:25:59,265 I mean, today was so exciting. 488 00:25:59,307 --> 00:26:03,602 I could totally just, like, carry on from where we left off this morning. 489 00:26:03,645 --> 00:26:06,564 My mind and my body are totally in sync. 490 00:26:06,606 --> 00:26:10,109 I'm not sure that I like the implication of that. 491 00:26:10,151 --> 00:26:14,280 What? It's very sexy for a man to fight for your honour. 492 00:26:14,322 --> 00:26:18,742 Is it also very sexy to run into some old geezer you let bone you when you were 19? 493 00:26:18,785 --> 00:26:21,745 You know, it just reminded me of being back at college again, 494 00:26:21,788 --> 00:26:24,373 when life was so simple, and he was so... 495 00:26:24,416 --> 00:26:28,669 (Camply) He was so passionate, so full of enthusiasm. I know, I know. 496 00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,547 He was so big, actually. 497 00:26:31,590 --> 00:26:33,424 Oh, gross! 498 00:26:33,466 --> 00:26:37,011 I mean, not that that matters or anything, but, um... 499 00:26:37,053 --> 00:26:40,347 - Well, you know, you saw the whole deal. - I saw nothing. 500 00:26:40,390 --> 00:26:42,891 As far as I know, the man is a hermaphrodite. 501 00:26:42,934 --> 00:26:44,852 Really? God, he was... 502 00:26:44,894 --> 00:26:48,397 He was, like, the hottest assistant professor on the campus. 503 00:26:48,481 --> 00:26:52,026 Everybody wanted to sleep with him. My friends were so jealous. 504 00:26:52,068 --> 00:26:54,486 One time we were doing it in his office, 505 00:26:54,529 --> 00:26:57,906 - and there was this line down the hall... - OK, that's it. 506 00:26:57,949 --> 00:27:01,535 - I demand satisfaction! - Yes, yes, it worked! 507 00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:04,413 Good. Mm. Are you gonna punish me? 508 00:27:04,456 --> 00:27:07,708 You know I'm gonna have to live with that image in my head for the rest of my life. 509 00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,209 I know. 510 00:27:12,005 --> 00:27:16,258 I'm just not sure that my mind and my body are in sync either. 511 00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:20,596 You know, the events of the day, all this fun you've had, it's bruised my mind. 512 00:27:20,639 --> 00:27:25,434 It's traumatised me. It may very well undermine my ability to please you. 513 00:27:25,477 --> 00:27:26,852 Really? 514 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,230 No, not really.