Previously on Californication...
Ah, God, I love fucking you.
God, I love fucking you, too.
Hey, hey, hey.
- How's Batesy? - Rehab.
You still thinking about leaving him?
You have a magnificent body.
Do you think I have what it takes to be an actress?
Yes.
Have you had a chance to talk to Stuart
about Santa Monica Cop?
If there's a part that I could read for?
No, but I will.
Trixie.
That is a terrific name, if you're a hooker.
You take Diners Club?
I'm not kidding.
In about five minutes,
Tyler's going to be the hottest screenwriter in the business.
Someone has to represent him. Why not me?
Because you're my fucking agent, Charlie.
- You're fired. - What?
We're bringing in another writer for the on-set work.
Charlie sent me to meet with Stu.
- Charlie did? - Yeah, I just signed with him.
You just signed with Charlie?
I don't want to hit you.
I don't want to have anything to do with you, all right?
- Come on, buddy, don't be that way. - I am not your buddy
and you're fucking fired,
as an agent and a friend.
Five minutes. That's all I need.
Charlie, he doesn't want to see you.
Same as yesterday. I'm sorry.
He's never been this mad at me before, Karen.
I don't know what to do.
He feels like you betrayed him.
I did, I did!
I... I... I saw the forbidden fruit dangle in front of my face,
and I took a big bite, a juicy bite. It was wrong. I see that now.
- What can I do? - Something. Anything.
Maybe, um, tease him a little bit, you know.
Show a little flesh, a little nip-slip.
Whatever gets me in the door.
I am married to another man, Charlie.
Sure, sure, sure.
But you and Hank, you know, you're always just a nod and a wink
from jumping back in the sack.
Or not.
OK, I'll be on my way.
- Hey. - Ha!
Having a pool is awesome.
Having a husband in rehab is even better.
Hank, that was Charlie again.
Fuck that penis-headed motherfucker!
- Hank, forgive me. - No!
I'll do whatever it takes!
Fuck you, Charlie. There's nothing you can do.
This is the pink slip to my Porsche.
Hank, I signed it over to you. It's yours.
Fine, I'll take it.
- So we're good now? - No, never.
People are calling, Hank! There are opportunities to discuss!
Refer them to my new agent.
You have a new agent?
I'm taking meetings.
You're taking meetings?
- Well, Hank, do something! - He's fine.
He's like a beluga.
- Come on! - I think he's got a blowhole.
I'll be on my way.
See you in hell, motherfucka!
Don't say motherfucker like that! It makes me miss you!
Have a nice day, honey.
Too soon?
Good luck with your meetings.
Well, thank you.
It's about time I got myself some serious representation, huh?
You seem to be doing just fine with your current representation.
Previous representation, Karen. Previous.
Come on. Charlie's been good for you, Hank.
Au contraire, lady fair.
I have done well in spite of Charlie, not because of him.
Come on, that guy would take a bullet for you.
Oh, please, he'd piss himself and run away screaming.
Really? That's awesome.
You're so brilliant, baby.
Oh, I don't know what's more offensive, "brilliant" or "baby".
- Stop. - OK. Call me later.
Love you.
No, love you more.
- I saw that. - What?
- You pretended to throw up. - I wasn't pretending.
I think I threw up for real. Look, sputum.
On the marble. Look...
Tyler says that Apocalypse loves his ass, thinks he's brilliant.
You do realise you're talking to the man he replaced, right?
I'm sorry, Dad. Didn't mean to embarrass you.
You didn't embarrass me. You insulted me.
And Sam will love his ass
right up until the point where he doesn't.
He's a very fickle mistress, that brotha.
For what it's worth, I still love you.
That is worth quite a lot.
Oh!
Thank you.
Yo, lady, you wanna get in on this?
All right.
Mmm.
Mmm!
Pilates?
That's mean.
So this is what it would be like,
the three of us living in the big house
behind the white picket fence?
All my life, I thought that sort of thing was lame.
Now I realise the joke was on me.
Have a nice day,
honey.
Nailed it!
- I got it! - What?
The part! In Santa Monica Cop.
Really?
Hey, why do you sound so surprised? You don't think I've got the goods?
No, I know you got the goods, all right.
I just, it's... It was such a long shot.
I know, but Stu said that I nailed it.
Oh, Stu said that, did he?
Yep. Are you proud?
Of course. It's awesome.
I know! Oh, I'm so excited! Oh, um, I have to get naked, though.
Well, of course you do.
But it's a good thing you look pretty amazing naked.
Thank you, my Lord.
Speaking of you looking amazing naked, can we make love?
No, I'm, I'm sorry, but I don't have the time, Charlie.
You sure? I can be quick about it. I could really use the release.
I'm sorry, but I, I have three auditions all over town,
and then I have to pick up Stuart from school.
Wait, why are you all wet?
So, Hank, tell me, what do you wanna do next?
What is your wildest dream?
Well, my wildest dream involves a three-breasted midget
with labial piercings and a desire to please.
But as far as Hollywood is concerned,
I think I'd just like to work with a world-class director for once.
I'm sick and tired of the hack parade.
And why haven't you done that?
I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just don't got the goods.
Nonsense.
It's because you haven't had somebody in your corner
making it happen for you.
Your former representative, if I can even call him that,
a sad, desperate soul.
He's more interested in having an office to jerk off in
than making his clients' dreams come true!
All right, I can make fun of Runkle, but you can't, OK?
Same with my mother.
I respect that.
And I apologise.
See, that is the kind of honour I'm talking about, Hank.
I can also make that three-breasted midget thing happen for you.
- I know a guy. - Wow.
Hey, boys! I see we're drinking our lunch.
Stu Baggs! How's the horse cock?
- Well... Shh... - Come on.
Take out just enough of it to scare me.
Hank, if you absolutely have to leave Runkle,
and I believe you do, this is the guy!
I'm not talking to you, Stu.
Look, I know I fired you,
but that doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart.
Don't be a grudge-holder, Hank. It's unbecoming.
Don't worry, Hank. I'll hold the grudge for you.
So, who are you having lunch with?
Well, actually, um, this could be slightly awkward.
Slightly?
Stu.
Larry.
Hank.
After the shit I've seen you do to yourself,
there's no way I'm touching
that fucking disgusting mitt of yours, Runkle.
Understood.
Just take good care of him, OK?
Just because I fired you, Charlie,
doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart.
I know that. It makes me feel a little better.
Just kidding.
Fuck you, motherfucka!
No crying at The Palm, Runkle.
If you're not careful, it'll be on Deadline
before you get back to the office.
Mmm.
Larry, it's been a slice.
This meeting's not over yet, Hank. There's somebody I'd like you to meet.
Follow me.
Thank you, Romeo.
Are you OK, Runkle?
Am I OK, Stu?
I'm the furthest from OK I've ever been.
I've lost the only client who ever meant anything to me.
OK, OK.
Just keep your fucking voice down, Runkle.
I mean, I've seen at least three of your other clients in this very room.
I mean, do you want them to see you like this?
Whatever.
Least I still got Lizzie.
Yeah.
So she really nailed it, huh?
Yeah, I mean, she was good. I mean, she was fine.
Well, but you gave her the part, right?
I mean, she must have been better than fine.
Well, you know, she's certainly gorgeous.
Yes, I know.
Yeah, something's not adding up here, Stu.
You don't wanna know, Charlie.
Know what?
Look, the only reason I'm going to tell you
is because I think you need to know what you're dealing with here.
OK.
Gentlemen.
She blew me.
What? Who?
Lizzie.
That's crazy.
She offered me a blowie in exchange for the role.
Now, I took it. It was an honest transaction.
How could you do that to me?
- Or Marcy? - Hey, hey, hey.
That one little blowjob, however delightful,
in no way diminishes the depth of my feeling for my beloved wife.
- Oh, I think it does. - Runkle,
you know, there are certain things in this life
that a man just cannot pass up.
And one of them is having Lizzie's lips
wrapped around my love cannon.
I can't believe my girlfriend blew you!
She's not your girlfriend.
OK, so we haven't had that conversation.
- I still feel she's my one and only. - Well, guess what, she's not, OK?
She is a fucking climber and she's doing it with style.
How do you know I won't tell Marcy about this?
- What is wrong with you? - What?
Why would you do that?
Why would you want to hurt the mother of your child?
You know, that is sick.
That is something only a monster would do, Charlie.
Now, are you ready to order? I gotta get to the set.
Romeo?
So I hear your work is very sexual, ja?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Ja.
You know, Hank, I would very much like to work with you.
Wow. That would be a dream come true.
You work fast, dude.
- It's what I do. - Uh-huh.
I have to say that your, your, your work
has meant a lot to me over the years, sir.
"Sir"? What is with this "Sir"? You can call me Lars, ja?
OK, Lars,
I just gotta say that it's really a kick
to be sitting across from a filmmaker whose work I admire.
Usually, I work with directors whose movies suck so hard
that I have to pretend that I was out of the country
or in a coma when they were released, if you know what I'm saying.
That is excellent, Hank. So nice to hear.
Hollywood has gone to shit. Scheiße.
What should we do? We should leave? Get out? No!
We dig in. We fight.
Ja.
I see myself returning to my root.
I wish next to make something very violent,
very sexual.
Wheelhouse!
Ja.
I want to make a picture about
the most famous whore in the history of mankind,
Mary Magdalene.
Interesting.
Jennifer Aniston.
She is attached.
OK.
Why can't the Bible be sexy, huh?
Totally. That's what my grandmother always used to say.
Aha! The girls are here!
- Trixie? Trixie! - Hank!
Oh, you know each other. How lovely.
I knew this relationship was meant to be.
Larry, my man, Runkle never set me up on a meeting like this.
Well, I just wanted you to see what real representation is like.
So, Hank, you do your research
and I do my research,
we compare notes, ja?
Hells ja.
Hi!
You look like a slut.
In a good way.
It's for an audition.
Is everything OK, Charlie? You're home early.
I'm fine.
You seem awfully quiet.
Oh, what's wrong? Is it Hank?
Did you give Stu a blowjob?
No! Gross!
I knew you didn't! Thank God.
Well, maybe I did.
Maybe?
Did he drug you?
No, he didn't drug me, Charlie.
OK, I gave him a blowjob.
Why?
Because I really wanted the part.
But you might have gotten the part anyway!
Maybe.
See, now you'll never know.
It doesn't matter any more because I have the part.
Right.
I guess I see your logic.
It didn't mean anything, Charlie. It was just a blowjob.
Yeah, but what happened to the girl who, who didn't want to
go from kissing to finger-banging in just a matter of seconds?
She's standing right here.
She still doesn't.
Just because she gave a big movie producer
a blowjob in exchange for a role
doesn't mean that she's changed or sold out.
He's a married man, you know.
I know, but he's the one that accepted my offer, and...
And?
Marcy can be really mean to me sometimes.
Yeah, she can be a real bitch.
And she has been known to relax on the blowjobbing
once she settles in to a marriage.
Look...
I hope this doesn't change anything between us.
I still really like you.
I really like you, too.
Cool.
OK, I have to get to my audition.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
- And how's Becca? - She's great. She's in college now.
Holy shit. That's trippy.
Did she end up being a lesbian?
- No, much to my chagrin. - Hmm!
She is dating a guy with two moms, though.
Groovy!
And Karen?
She's actually married to this crazy fucking character.
That must really chap your hide.
Not as much as you'd think.
You know, I like him. He's a good guy. A bit of a drinker, though.
- More so than you? - Different.
When I drink, I do stupid shit.
And when he drinks, he does stupid shit with young boys.
Ew! That's not good.
Almost never a good idea.
So are you still hoping for a reconciliation?
I don't know if I'm hoping so much as yearning, you know?
We're still pretty much as star-crossed as ever.
Copy that.
How about you?
- Any love in your life? - No.
The whole sex-for-money thing kind of scares 'em off, you know?
Well, you shouldn't charge them, then.
You're funny.
It's gonna take a pretty special fella.
You think so?
I'm sick of waiting.
- So should we do this? - Oh, we should do this.
And a little bit of that, if you know what I'm sayin'.
OK.
Hello.
What is that?
I wouldn't worry about it. He's a legendary kinkster.
- Lars? - And Larry.
Those old-school guys like to get their perv on
with the 'tutes.
- The... - Prostitutes.
Oh, right on.
So you think she's OK?
Yeah, they're probably just playing Passion of the Christ or something.
I missed you, Hank.
I missed you too, Trixella.
I gotta go check on her.
Clock's ticking.
Hey, dude, what's the deal?
What's the world coming to when a whore cannot get a man hard, huh?
Relax. Pop a Viagra.
You know, you got a lot on your mind.
Viagra? I don't need that medical shit!
I'm virility incarnate, you asshole!
It's nothing to be ashamed of. You are getting on in years.
- Fuck you, writer! - OK, fine. Fuck me.
But take it easy on her. I think you're scaring the girl.
You're going to tell me how to conduct myself
in my own house with a whore?
Hey, stop raging, ja?
Hank, it's better to just let him be.
He's an artist. His passions run deep.
Fine, whore, you don't get me hard, I will urinate on you!
Assume the position, I will piss on you!
No, don't assume anything. Don't do that. That's gross.
Unless she's OK with it.
You OK with it? Really?
I am paying this whore for her time.
If I choose to treat her like a toilet...
- I will treat her like a toilet! - I don't wanna fight with you.
I like your work. I really like your work, man.
Why do I keep fighting with directors?
It's gotta be me, you know?
You happy now, you old fucking creeper?
I didn't want to give one of my favourite filmmakers
a bloody nose, but you made me.
He made me.
I guess it's kind of cool to realise that
world-class filmmakers are just as fallible as the rest of us, huh?
So, yeah, I'll call you.
I'll let you know what I decide, Larry.
It was nice to meet you and you know,
thanks for lunch and for this whole thing here, you know.
You just lost me a client
I've worked with for over three decades.
Oscars, Golden Globes, Palme d'Ors.
The agency will never sign you, Hank.
Ever.
As far as I'm concerned, you're dead.
You and that animal Runkle deserve each other.
Great seeing you again, Hank.
You too, Trixie.
Always a pleasure.
Thanks for sticking up for us working girls.
That's what I do.
One of these days, Hank,
you're not gonna be pining and I'm not gonna be working.
Shit's gonna happen.
Sparks will fly.
I look forward to that.
Writer!
Get the fuck out of my house, ja?
Hey, Trixie, hold up. Hold up.
What the fuck, Charlie?
What is so important
that I have to drive all the way to fucking Malibu?
Why can't we meet halfway or something?
I didn't want to drink and drive.
Oh, you're such a silly cunt.
Why don't you just, you know, come on in,
sit down, relax.
Would you like something to drink?
No, not particularly.
I think I'm gonna have a drink.
Good for you.
So what's the problem?
Is something wrong with Stuart?
No, he's sleeping.
We watched Iron Giant again.
It's such a sweet movie.
"Hogarth. Friend."
I know what this is about. It's about Hank, right?
Look, I know you're taking it hard,
but these things tend to happen, especially to agents.
- You guys... - OK, it's not about Hank.
Although that has been very upsetting.
OK, can we skip to the point?
OK, OK.
- This is about you. - Me?
I just... I...
I wanted to know if you're happy.
Of course I'm happy.
OK, so Stu...
Do you love him?
Hey, I know what this is.
This is one of your half-assed attempts
- to win me back or something, right? - No, that's ridiculous.
No, not ridiculous, Charlie.
OK! OK!
I have to tell you something!
What?
Lizzie cheated on me.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
Hank leaves you and then
Lizzie cheats on you.
It's not such a stellar week, huh?
No, not at all.
Hey, wait a minute.
Who'd she bang?
She didn't bang.
She blew.
She blew who?
Some guy in her acting class.
Oh, thank God.
I mean,
I'm really sorry, Charlie.
That's gotta suck.
Sure does.
Fuck her. She's a slut.
Can I go now?
How was your day, honey?
Ah...
Weird.
I spent the day with perverts and whores.
- Well... - Don't worry.
I didn't sleep with any of them.
Close, but I didn't take my cigar out.
Gross, and I don't even care.
- Sure you do, Karen. - No, I don't.
Anyway, I don't even have a right to care about such things.
You do too have rights.
You have the baby mama's bill of rights.
- You hungry? - Not particularly.
But I do love watching you cook.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's been really nice playing house this last little while.
It's always nice to take a vacation from your real life, Hank.
Well, all that's missing is the vacation sex.
Which is usually pretty primo.
- Remember Paris? - I don't.
But I do remember the inside of a hotel room in Paris
that we never left.
Mmm-hmm.
I wanted to go to the Louvre.
And I wanted to go to the vagin.
And I think you won out.
- I think we both won out, Karen. - Maybe.
It's just funny that, after all these years,
we can just pick up as if it were yesterday, huh?
I'm sure we could pick it up again,
but it would go to shit pretty soon thereafter.
At some point soon, we're gonna be too old
for it to go to shit.
That's so depressing.
So, uh, Bates is coming home tomorrow.
Oh, bummer.
- I mean, that's great. - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's good for him. - Hmm.
We'll see.
So we've got tonight?
What?
I can't.
It doesn't mean that some small part of you
doesn't want to,
does it?
Small?
I can't.
I know.
Maybe just knowing we could is enough.
Actually, it's not.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, sweetie. What is it? - What's wrong?
What do you think? Same old, stupid, fucking shit with that asshole.
Hey, what the fuck is wrong with you? What happened to the guy who was
head-over-heels in love with my daughter?
I didn't do anything, Hank, I promise.
Really? She seems to think otherwise.
Well, she was looking through my texts,
and she found something she didn't like.
Can you blame her? What was it?
It was nothing.
There was this girl who's, who's
been working with Samurai. Kali. He's producing her...
Just stay the fuck away from her, all right? You hear me?
Why? Did you hit that or something? I'm just kidding, dude! I'm sorry.
Look, it's nothing to kid about, all right?
As far as Samurai's concerned, that's his woman.
Well, I appreciate your concern, Hank, but Sam loves the shit out of me.
Yeah, he loves the shit out of you,
right up until the point that he finds out you've been
messing around with the woman that he loves the shit out of.
Oh, come on, dude. That guy gets tons of pussy.
It doesn't matter. This is the one he wants.
Well, whatever. I really don't think
he's gonna go and beat the crap out of me all over again.
Just keep playing with fire and we'll see.
Yeah, I hear you, "Dad." Jesus!
OK, now get the fuck out of here.
Don't come back without a dozen roses and your dick in a box!