WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
My name is Carl Palmer.
I've returned home after 20 years abroad
to find the son I abandoned in Catterick when he was just four years old.
This is the story of that search.
(RUMBLING)
(SEAGULLS CRY)
(GIVES RUMBLING SNORE)
(CLOCK TICKING)
- (TINNY BUGLE REVEILLE) - Wake up!
(ALARM OFF)
(JAUNTYBANJO MUSIC)
(SOBS)
(ENGINE WHINES)
(THUMP)
(LISPING) Excuse me.
SLEEPY BOY!
I've got a bone on because of you. And I vant to pick it.
There are several mysterious turquoise patches in prominent areas of the dining-room carpet.
Find out what produces these marks and report to me.
I vant them removed.
Now get up and vork.
Pfft.
(BOYS SHOUTING)
- Tosser! - I know.
(SIGHS)
Oh... (SIGHS)
So, plonker Rodney, will we soon be free of these frankly startling turquoise stains?
It won't shift, Mr Oates. I-it's Quink.
Quink? Quink?
What, like duck or pig, or...?
No, that's ''quack'' and ''oink''.
This is Quink. It's a brand of ink.
Quack, Quink, oink, ink. I don't give a flying picket! Just get rid of it!
I can't, Mr Oates. It's indelible.
I'm not asking you to eat it!
Do those people know what a startling stain their product causes?
Sort it out, sausage face.
All right, Mrs Trethrewick? Can I give you a hand?
- No, I'm all right, thank you, Chris. - I'll just watch, then.
Are you all right, Chris?
We hardly see you out and about these days.
Yeah? Well, I'm out today. Ha ha.
- 'Ow's your Trevor? - Oh, he's fine.
He had his 40th birthday party last week. Why didn't you come?
Parties are for kids. Anyway, I didn't know it was on.
Didn't you see the balloons on the gateposts?
Yeah. I just thought you were...raising your gateposts.
Gateposts.
Raising your gateposts.
- Who are the flowers for? - Me brother Carl's just out of the army.
- Ooh, that's nice. Is he still married to Judy? - Whisht, whisht, don't mention that. No.
That's why he transferred to Cyprus.
She was 'aving sly love with a midnight creeper.
- Ooh, fuckin' hell. - I know!
(MUFFLED CAWING)
(CAWING)
Our Carl, I'm over 'ere.
All right, Chris? You're lookin' good, man. You've hardly changed.
Apart from the beard, like.
- I know, I cut most of it off. - Snip snip, yeah?
Looks good. I like your new stance and all. You look cool.
I know. It's nice to see you and all. Obi-Wan Kenobi. Ha ha.
Ha ha.
- Are these owt to do with you, Chris? - No.
- Well, are they or aren't they, Chris? - Dunno. They were just there.
If you got 'em for us, that's nice. I'll take 'em with us.
I'm not bothered.
Come 'ere, Chris.
It's really nice to see you, man. I'm glad you're still 'ere, you know?
I missed you. I 'ave.
- Will you come and live with me at our mam's? - I dunno, I haven't made any plans.
I've got other things to think about. Just have a drink or summat?
I've got a surprise for you. You follow me.
Righto. Nice one, yeah?
Chris, I can't follow you if you don't move, can I?
You'll 'ave to move.
All right, Chris, hold on!
(MUSIC: CHRIS REA'S ''WORKING ON IT'')
♪ Somebody above me's in a desperate state
♪ Some kind of urgency, the kind that won't wai'
♪ I say, ''Tomorrow'', he say, ''Today''
♪ And the man in my head, well, he tell me, ''No way''
(GUITAR SOLO )
- # keep working - # Work, work, work
♪ I got eight li' tle fingers and only two thumbs
♪ Will you leave me in peace while I get the job done...? ♪
- All right, Mark? - Hiya, Tess.
Oh, so these are the mystery stains his royal highness was on about.
- You 'aving any joy? - No, Tess.
I seem to be, er...decreasing the intensity but increasing the impact.
You are aware it's Quink, are you?
Quink? No way. You're licking my lips, i'nt you?
Who uses Quink these days? Especially in a dining area.
Quink acknowledges no boundaries, Tess. It's a bastard.
Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear me, Mark. How terrible.
I dunno if it helps, but last night I was wiping meself off with a flannel,
and I got a Werther's Original stuck to it. I got it off with a turp substitute.
Very effective, though it rendered most of the Werther's inedible.
Oh, er...thanks, but his nibs has already told me he doesn't want me eating the carpet.
Phew, your fella is furious.
He's threatened to sack me if I don't shift these.
Oh, he's just nibbling your nuts. Roy Oates is a wanker.
- Come 'ere. Get up. I got an idea. - Oh.
(BUzzING)
(CHAINSAWBUZZING)
Should be all right.
Right. You wait 'ere until I shout you.
He's 'ere. Get ready.
(JUKEBOX: COUNTRY MUSIC)
Right, you can come in!
(ROLLICKING COUNTRY MUSIC)
(LAUGHS)
Go on, Ian!
Nice work, Glen.
♪ Then, like a miracle from heaven above, God sent an angel down for me to love
♪ Glory be She loved the devil outta me...
- (NEEDLE SKIPS ON RECORD ) - Right, television's going back on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! 'Scuse me. Hold your horses.
D'you feel you saw enough to get the full enjoyment out of the performance?
Yeah, Ian, I got the gist of it.
Yeah, you did, didn't you? Good.
- Let's get the pints in, eh? - Good to see you!
- You too, man. - In other news...
North Yorkshire Police's controversial American-style detective, kei' h Fowler,
gave his first press conference.
(AMERICAN) I'd like to thank North Yorkshire Police
for putting their faith in my incredible abilities.
I will make the county an environment where romance can blossom,
where children can play in the streets with their hoops, tops and jack-in-a-boxes.
Where pensioners can guard their melon patches
without fear of Huckleberry Finn-style moonlight attacks.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.
- What? - Four pints, some crisps and make it snappy.
That's a crocodile joke. Ha ha.
(LICKING)
I say, Pat, I might have just accidentally fed your dog.
- Shit. - Yeah, how did you know?
- Want any spatchcock? - What is it?
A type of flattened chicken. I flatten them myself.
Reversed my van over them at dusk this morning. Hand.
No. No, thanks, I like my chickens plump.
- Pat, did you just say ''hand''? - Yes, I did.
- I enjoyed it. Do you mind if I use it? - If you like.
Right, I will do, then. Four pints, please. Hand.
You've hardly changed, lads, apart from looking a lot older.
Look, Carl, before we get too drunk, I'd like your advice.
It's just that... Well, as you know, my trade is polishes, sealants,
varnishes, associated products, application, remedial works, even trouble-shooting.
But yesterday, the DSS sent me to an interview
for the job of a drummer with a Caribbean rock-funk band,
as I understand it, a bit like Osibisa.
I find it very worrying. I mean, the wife is very cold to the touch.
Y'know, she's absolutely nithered.
How would she feel if I started travelling the world with a black funk band?
Imagine me wi' caviar and champagne, drinking exotic cocktails at Ronnie Wood's beach bar,
drinking coconut milk from a native's brassiere. It doesn't add up. I'm a polishes man.
Do you not think it's a bit suspicious?
The job went to a black man. Quite right too,
but this whole episode has made me very worried, to say the least.
Then the wife, well, I'm spending a fortune just keeping her at a reasonable temperature.
- It's probably just an administrative error, Ian. - No, no. It's much more than that, man.
Right, get 'em down your necks.
(MUSIC: ''KINKY BOOTS'')
♪ Everybody's going for those kinky boots, kinky boots
♪ kinky boots, i' 's a manly kind of fashion that you borrowed from the brutes
♪ Borrowed from the brutes kinky boots ♪
So, plonker Rodney, let us see what my little Stain Devil has achieved.
Mr Oates.
Come here.
Sit at my feet.
Tell me, boy vonder, vot do you see before you?
Well, you, Mr Oates, with your leg cocked up on the table.
Yes, never mind about cock-up on table.
- What do you see? - Well, you, Mr Oates, the hotel manager.
And does this hotel manager look the type who likes to have his plonker pulled?
I don't know, Mr Oates. You tell me.
Do not be insolent to me. Vot you have done here is an outrage.
It is a joke, an unforgivable joke.
Maybe it is time you left us.
- Oh, for Christ's sake, give it a rest, Roy. - Why should I? Look what he has done.
Oh, stop scratching your sack. It was my idea to cover the stains. I thought...
Whoa, whoa! ''I thought''? I DO NOT PAY YOU TO THINK!
I am the brains behind this operation!
You're as bad as him.
You undermine my authority.
- If he goes, I go. We're both trying our best. - Well, maybe your best isn't good enough.
Consider this your final warning. Now pull me off.
- Thanks, Tess. - What for? It was my stupid idea.
Y...you wouldn't really have left, would you?
I dunno. Wouldn't bet against it.
So, anyway, lads, what's been happening?
- Ian's joined a rock-funk band. - I haven't, that's what I'm saying!
Yeah, all right, Ian. What's been happening for you, Chris?
- Pickfords have changed the livery on their vans. - Oh, wow.
So what was Cyprus like, then?
Cyprus? Oh, right, Cyprus, yeah.
It was hot, you know, and sweaty.
Shellfish 'n' shit!
- All right, Dan? - Hello, Carl, how you doin'?
All right, Dan? 'Ey, come over 'ere.
- What've you got, then? - What, apart from the pox?
The pox? Eh? Me with the pox?
Who'd have thought it? Right, what have we got today?
We've got the cockles, we've got the prawns,
we've got the whelks, the crabsticks.
Crabsticks?!
Who'd have thought I'd ever 'ave crabsticks? I never thought I'd 'ave crabsticks!
We've got eels, we've got winkles.
Yes!
Hold on, Dan, I think you got a hit there.
Len, was it the winkles?
Cockles?
- Crabsticks? - Yes!
(THEY CHEER)
(BUzzING)
- How's Chris managing on his own? - We don't see much of him, really, do we?
Well, he comes in most Fridays.
If he's playing nearby, we sometimes go and see his act.
Hold on, what do you mean, ''act''?
Oh-ho, wait till you see him. Ho-ho-ho! He certainly brings a crowd in.
Don't tell him we told you. He might want to keep it a surprise.
No, course not. Sounds brilliant, like.
I've got a surprise lined up for him. D'you know the Mermade Hotel?
Oh, the Mermade Hotel's a lovely hotel, it is.
Is it warm?
Ever since he was young, he's wanted to stay there.
He'd say, (CHRIS) ''Can I stay at the Mermade one day?''
You know what he's like. So I booked a couple of nights there.
So if we leave and make an excuse, don't cause a fuss.
- Nice one. - It is warm, the Mermade, Ian.
Is it?
Roy, why do you treat Mark like that?
He's a treasure. He's a real hard worker.
- If he left, you'd never replace him. - (CHUCKLES) He will never leave.
He will if you keep tugging his testes.
No, he won't, Tess. I have something he needs very badly.
And until he gets it, he is my chattel. Just like you.
(PATS HER BOTTOM) Back to work, my love. It need not concern you.
What's the plan, then? What are we gonna do?
Owt you want, Chris. The day's young.
No, what I meant was...
well, are you gonna come and live with me at our mam's old house?
To be honest with you, there's not that much left around here for me.
Apart from me!
Yeah, of course, and it's brilliant to see you, but...
I mean, the main reason I came up was to try and find me son, Paul, you know?
He won't remember me, I don't expect.
Probably thinks I've abandoned him, just like our dad did.
God knows what Judy's told him about me.
You never mentioned this before.
I've been trying to put it at the back of me mind.
I thought I'd forget, but it don't work like that.
I'd love to see him, even just for a minute.
(SIGHING)
Soon.
Very soon.
Stop staring at it. You're sick.
(GROWLS)
Ah, my little pony. What have we here?
Erm, I...I found these carpet tiles,
and they're a natural stone colour.
I thought if I laid them out over the stains, they could create a stepping-stone effect.
- Might be quite pleasing. - My word. That is good.
That is very good!
But not complete. Yes...
Your sensational pathway must lead to somewhere,
to a centrepiece, to something inspirational.
Yes, I have it!
This photograph of me and a frogman.
Now put it up.
I've got an address for Judy in Catterick. I've written to her but she hasn't replied, so...
Right, let's go and see her, then.
- How are we gonna get to Catterick? - By car. I only ever travel by car.
- We haven't got a car. - Let's go get one, then.
- And how are we gonna do that? - Same way as we always did. Remember?
I'll go and tell the lads that we're going to Catterick to see your Paul.
Right.
I was interested in one of your cars.
- What? - I was interested in one of your cars out...
Oh, right, yeah. Course. Which, er...car was it you fancied?
- It's this one here. - Oh, yeah, and why do you like that one?
- D'you know, it's the colour. - The colour (?) It's a 4.6 Vogue with all the toys.
It's for the wife. You know what women are like.
- No, no, I don't know what women are like. - No.
OK, then, so tell me what is it you like about the car.
So much. The big wheels, its height off the road, its, er...
Most of all, mate, I like the fact that you choose to drive it.
How did you know that?
- Well, I saw you pulling in earlier. - Oh, you saw me come in earlier, did you?
Oh, you're nosy, aren't you?
- Yeah, a bit. - Yeah, yeah. Come in 'ere.
Oh, no, I know.
Let's go for a test drive.
- I'm sure you'll find it appealing. - Smashing.
- Ever driven an automatic before? - Er...no. I've heard about them, though.
Oh, as long as you've heard about them, we're all right, aren't we (?)
So how long have you worked at the garage, mate?
What? Oh, er...I've worked there since I was six.
So, how do you like the ride?
- Oh, it's smashing. Nice and high up, innit? - Yeah, well, there's, er...
no body roll, air suspension and that.
- Air suspension? I've heard of that. - Oh, have you? That's all right, then (!)
- Yeah, it's a lovely smooth ride. - Mm. Enjoy it, it might be your last.
- All right? - Jesus! Who's the monkey?
Watch your mouth, mate, that's me brother.
It's OK, I do look a bit like a monkey. I like this ride.
- It's beautiful, innit? - Enough of the sales patter.
I know the wheels go round and round, but what's the story prior to that movement?
- It's a complicated piece of machinery. - OK, I understand, then.
So, could you pull over now, mate, let me have a go, yeah?
Yeah, all right, but just for five minutes.
- Oi! Fuckers. - Whoo-hoo!
- Just like old times, eh? - Yeah, good work, bro.
You two are dead.
- So where to now? - What, on a special occasion like this?
Where else but the Mermade Hotel, monkey man?
(GRUNTS) Uh?
- (MAN SNORING) - (CAWS)