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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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<i>My name is Carl Palmer.</i>

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<i>I've returned home after 20 years abroad</i>

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<i>to find the son I abandoned in Catterick</i>
<i>when he was just four years old.</i>

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<i>This is the story of that search.</i>

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<i>(RUMBLING)</i>

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(SEAGULLS CRY)

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(GIVES RUMBLING SNORE)

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(CLOCK TICKING)

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(CLOCK TICKING)

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- (TINNY BUGLE REVEILLE)
- <i>Wake up!</i>

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- (TINNY BUGLE REVEILLE)
- <i>Wake up!</i>

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(ALARM OFF)

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<i>(JAUNTYBANJO MUSIC)</i>

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(SOBS)

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(ENGINE WHINES)

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(THUMP)

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(LISPING) Excuse me.

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SLEEPY BOY!

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I've got a bone on because of you.
And I vant to pick it.

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There are several mysterious turquoise patches
in prominent areas of the dining-room carpet.

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Find out what produces these marks
and report to me.

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I vant them removed.

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Now get up and vork.

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Pfft.

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(BOYS SHOUTING)

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- Tosser!
- I know.

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(SIGHS)

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Oh... (SIGHS)

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So, plonker Rodney, will we soon be free
of these frankly startling turquoise stains?

30
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It won't shift, Mr Oates. I-it's Quink.

31
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Quink? Quink?

32
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What, like duck or pig, or...?

33
00:05:01,487 --> 00:05:04,638
No, that's ''quack'' and ''oink''.

34
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This is Quink. It's a brand of ink.

35
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Quack, Quink, oink, ink.
I don't give a flying picket! Just get rid of it!

36
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I can't, Mr Oates. It's indelible.

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I'm not asking you to eat it!

38
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Do those people know
what a startling stain their product causes?

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Sort it out, sausage face.

40
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All right, Mrs Trethrewick? Can I give you a hand?

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- No, I'm all right, thank you, Chris.
- I'll just watch, then.

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Are you all right, Chris?

43
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We hardly see you out and about these days.

44
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Yeah? Well, I'm out today. Ha ha.

45
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- 'Ow's your Trevor?
- Oh, he's fine.

46
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He had his 40th birthday party last week.
Why didn't you come?

47
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Parties are for kids.
Anyway, I didn't know it was on.

48
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Didn't you see the balloons on the gateposts?

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Yeah. I just thought
you were...raising your gateposts.

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Gateposts.

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Raising your gateposts.

52
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- Who are the flowers for?
- Me brother Carl's just out of the army.

53
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- Ooh, that's nice. Is he still married to Judy?
- Whisht, whisht, don't mention that. No.

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That's why he transferred to Cyprus.

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She was 'aving sly love with a midnight creeper.

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- Ooh, fuckin' hell.
- I know!

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(MUFFLED CAWING)

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(CAWING)

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Our Carl, I'm over 'ere.

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All right, Chris? You're lookin' good, man.
You've hardly changed.

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Apart from the beard, like.

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- I know, I cut most of it off.
- Snip snip, yeah?

63
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Looks good.
I like your new stance and all. You look cool.

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I know. It's nice to see you and all.
Obi-Wan Kenobi. Ha ha.

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Ha ha.

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- Are these owt to do with you, Chris?
- No.

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- Well, are they or aren't they, Chris?
- Dunno. They were just there.

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If you got 'em for us, that's nice.
I'll take 'em with us.

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I'm not bothered.

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Come 'ere, Chris.

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It's really nice to see you, man.
I'm glad you're still 'ere, you know?

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I missed you. I 'ave.

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- Will you come and live with me at our mam's?
- I dunno, I haven't made any plans.

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I've got other things to think about.
Just have a drink or summat?

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I've got a surprise for you. You follow me.

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Righto. Nice one, yeah?

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Chris, I can't follow you if you don't move, can I?

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You'll 'ave to move.

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All right, Chris, hold on!

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(MUSIC: CHRIS REA'S ''WORKING ON IT'')

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<i>♪ Somebody above me's in a desperate state</i>

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<i>♪ Some kind of urgency, the kind that won't wai'</i>

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<i>♪ I say, ''Tomorrow'', he say, ''Today''</i>

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<i>♪ And the man in my head,</i>
<i>well, he tell me, ''No way''</i>

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<i>(GUITAR SOLO )</i>

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- <i># keep working</i>
- <i># Work, work, work</i>

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<i>♪ I got eight li' tle fingers and only two thumbs</i>

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<i>♪ Will you leave me in peace</i>
<i>while I get the job done...? ♪</i>

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- All right, Mark?
- Hiya, Tess.

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Oh, so these are the mystery stains
his royal highness was on about.

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- You 'aving any joy?
- No, Tess.

92
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I seem to be, er...decreasing the intensity
but increasing the impact.

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You are aware it's Quink, are you?

94
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Quink? No way. You're licking my lips, i'nt you?

95
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Who uses Quink these days?
Especially in a dining area.

96
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Quink acknowledges no boundaries, Tess.
It's a bastard.

97
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Oh, dear, dear, dear, dear me, Mark. How terrible.

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I dunno if it helps, but last night
I was wiping meself off with a flannel,

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and I got a Werther's Original stuck to it.
I got it off with a turp substitute.

100
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Very effective, though it rendered
most of the Werther's inedible.

101
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Oh, er...thanks, but his nibs has already told me
he doesn't want me eating the carpet.

102
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Phew, your fella is furious.

103
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He's threatened to sack me if I don't shift these.

104
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Oh, he's just nibbling your nuts.
Roy Oates is a wanker.

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- Come 'ere. Get up. I got an idea.
- Oh.

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(BUzzING)

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<i>(CHAINSAWBUZZING)</i>

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Should be all right.

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Right. You wait 'ere until I shout you.

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He's 'ere. Get ready.

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(JUKEBOX: COUNTRY MUSIC)

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Right, you can come in!

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(ROLLICKING COUNTRY MUSIC)

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(LAUGHS)

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Go on, Ian!

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Nice work, Glen.

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<i>♪ Then, like a miracle from heaven above,</i>
<i>God sent an angel down for me to love</i>

118
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<i>♪ Glory be</i>
<i>She loved the devil outta me...</i>

119
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- (NEEDLE SKIPS ON RECORD )
- Right, television's going back on.

120
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Whoa, whoa, whoa! 'Scuse me. Hold your horses.

121
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D'you feel you saw enough to get
the full enjoyment out of the performance?

122
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Yeah, Ian, I got the gist of it.

123
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Yeah, you did, didn't you? Good.

124
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- Let's get the pints in, eh?
- Good to see you!

125
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- You too, man.
- <i>In other news...</i>

126
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<i>North Yorkshire Police's controversial</i>
<i>American-style detective, kei' h Fowler,</i>

127
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<i>gave his first press conference.</i>

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(AMERICAN) I'd like to thank
North Yorkshire Police

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for putting their faith in my incredible abilities.

130
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I will make the county an environment
where romance can blossom,

131
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where children can play in the streets
with their hoops, tops and jack-in-a-boxes.

132
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Where pensioners can guard their melon patches

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without fear of Huckleberry Finn-style
moonlight attacks.

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Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you.

135
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- What?
- Four pints, some crisps and make it snappy.

136
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That's a crocodile joke. Ha ha.

137
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(LICKING)

138
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I say, Pat,
I might have just accidentally fed your dog.

139
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- Shit.
- Yeah, how did you know?

140
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- Want any spatchcock?
- What is it?

141
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A type of flattened chicken. I flatten them myself.

142
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Reversed my van over them
at dusk this morning. Hand.

143
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No. No, thanks, I like my chickens plump.

144
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- Pat, did you just say ''hand''?
- Yes, I did.

145
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- I enjoyed it. Do you mind if I use it?
- If you like.

146
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Right, I will do, then. Four pints, please. Hand.

147
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You've hardly changed, lads,
apart from looking a lot older.

148
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Look, Carl, before we get too drunk,
I'd like your advice.

149
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It's just that... Well, as you know,
my trade is polishes, sealants,

150
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varnishes, associated products, application,
remedial works, even trouble-shooting.

151
00:14:53,807 --> 00:14:56,799
But yesterday, the DSS sent me to an interview

152
00:14:56,967 --> 00:15:01,085
for the job of a drummer
with a Caribbean rock-funk band,

153
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as I understand it, a bit like Osibisa.

154
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I find it very worrying.
I mean, the wife is very cold to the touch.

155
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Y'know, she's absolutely nithered.

156
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How would she feel if I started travelling
the world with a black funk band?

157
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Imagine me wi' caviar and champagne, drinking
exotic cocktails at Ronnie Wood's beach bar,

158
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drinking coconut milk from a native's brassiere.
It doesn't add up. I'm a polishes man.

159
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Do you not think it's a bit suspicious?

160
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The job went to a black man. Quite right too,

161
00:15:58,127 --> 00:16:02,006
but this whole episode has made me
very worried, to say the least.

162
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Then the wife, well, I'm spending a fortune
just keeping her at a reasonable temperature.

163
00:16:08,247 --> 00:16:14,004
- It's probably just an administrative error, Ian.
- No, no. It's much more than that, man.

164
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Right, get 'em down your necks.

165
00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:23,680
(MUSIC: ''KINKY BOOTS'')

166
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<i>♪ Everybody's going for those kinky boots,</i>
<i>kinky boots</i>

167
00:16:28,247 --> 00:16:31,637
<i>♪ kinky boots, i' 's a manly kind of fashion</i>
<i>that you borrowed from the brutes</i>

168
00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:34,401
<i>♪ Borrowed from the brutes</i>
<i>kinky boots ♪</i>

169
00:16:34,567 --> 00:16:39,687
So, plonker Rodney, let us see
what my little Stain Devil has achieved.

170
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Mr Oates.

171
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Come here.

172
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Sit at my feet.

173
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Tell me, boy vonder, vot do you see before you?

174
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Well, you, Mr Oates,
with your leg cocked up on the table.

175
00:17:02,607 --> 00:17:04,723
Yes, never mind about cock-up on table.

176
00:17:04,887 --> 00:17:09,802
- What do you see?
- Well, you, Mr Oates, the hotel manager.

177
00:17:09,967 --> 00:17:14,279
And does this hotel manager look the type
who likes to have his plonker pulled?

178
00:17:14,447 --> 00:17:17,086
I don't know, Mr Oates. You tell me.

179
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:24,562
Do not be insolent to me.
Vot you have done here is an outrage.

180
00:17:24,727 --> 00:17:28,003
It is a joke, an unforgivable joke.

181
00:17:30,647 --> 00:17:32,877
Maybe it is time you left us.

182
00:17:33,047 --> 00:17:37,916
- Oh, for Christ's sake, give it a rest, Roy.
- Why should I? Look what he has done.

183
00:17:38,087 --> 00:17:42,478
Oh, stop scratching your sack.
It was my idea to cover the stains. I thought...

184
00:17:42,647 --> 00:17:47,198
Whoa, whoa! ''I thought''?
I DO NOT PAY YOU TO THINK!

185
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,359
I am the brains behind this operation!

186
00:17:52,207 --> 00:17:54,243
You're as bad as him.

187
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You undermine my authority.

188
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- If he goes, I go. We're both trying our best.
- Well, maybe your best isn't good enough.

189
00:18:08,167 --> 00:18:11,318
Consider this your final warning. Now pull me off.

190
00:18:24,767 --> 00:18:29,318
- Thanks, Tess.
- What for? It was my stupid idea.

191
00:18:29,487 --> 00:18:32,047
Y...you wouldn't really have left, would you?

192
00:18:32,207 --> 00:18:34,846
I dunno. Wouldn't bet against it.

193
00:18:39,607 --> 00:18:42,075
So, anyway, lads, what's been happening?

194
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:45,876
- Ian's joined a rock-funk band.
- I haven't, that's what I'm saying!

195
00:18:46,047 --> 00:18:49,517
Yeah, all right, Ian.
What's been happening for you, Chris?

196
00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:03,486
- Pickfords have changed the livery on their vans.
- Oh, wow.

197
00:19:03,647 --> 00:19:05,524
So what was Cyprus like, then?

198
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:08,759
Cyprus? Oh, right, Cyprus, yeah.

199
00:19:11,847 --> 00:19:13,997
It was hot, you know, and sweaty.

200
00:19:18,887 --> 00:19:21,799
Shellfish 'n' shit!

201
00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:24,686
- All right, Dan?
- Hello, Carl, how you doin'?

202
00:19:24,847 --> 00:19:26,963
All right, Dan? 'Ey, come over 'ere.

203
00:19:28,327 --> 00:19:31,524
- What've you got, then?
- What, apart from the pox?

204
00:19:31,687 --> 00:19:34,565
The pox? Eh? Me with the pox?

205
00:19:34,727 --> 00:19:37,844
Who'd have thought it?
Right, what have we got today?

206
00:19:38,007 --> 00:19:40,805
We've got the cockles, we've got the prawns,

207
00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:43,117
we've got the whelks, the crabsticks.

208
00:19:43,287 --> 00:19:45,642
Crabsticks?!

209
00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:50,927
Who'd have thought I'd ever 'ave crabsticks?
I never thought I'd 'ave crabsticks!

210
00:19:51,087 --> 00:19:52,918
We've got eels, we've got winkles.

211
00:19:53,087 --> 00:19:54,440
Yes!

212
00:19:54,607 --> 00:19:57,405
Hold on, Dan, I think you got a hit there.

213
00:19:58,727 --> 00:20:01,241
Len, was it the winkles?

214
00:20:02,367 --> 00:20:04,756
Cockles?

215
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,883
- Crabsticks?
- Yes!

216
00:20:08,047 --> 00:20:09,765
(THEY CHEER)

217
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:33,286
(BUzzING)

218
00:20:34,927 --> 00:20:39,079
- How's Chris managing on his own?
- We don't see much of him, really, do we?

219
00:20:39,247 --> 00:20:41,397
Well, he comes in most Fridays.

220
00:20:41,567 --> 00:20:44,479
If he's playing nearby,
we sometimes go and see his act.

221
00:20:44,647 --> 00:20:46,558
Hold on, what do you mean, ''act''?

222
00:20:46,727 --> 00:20:51,847
Oh-ho, wait till you see him.
Ho-ho-ho! He certainly brings a crowd in.

223
00:20:52,007 --> 00:20:55,682
Don't tell him we told you.
He might want to keep it a surprise.

224
00:20:55,847 --> 00:20:58,122
No, course not. Sounds brilliant, like.

225
00:20:58,287 --> 00:21:02,041
I've got a surprise lined up for him.
D'you know the Mermade Hotel?

226
00:21:02,207 --> 00:21:05,597
Oh, the Mermade Hotel's a lovely hotel, it is.

227
00:21:05,767 --> 00:21:07,723
Is it warm?

228
00:21:07,887 --> 00:21:10,765
Ever since he was young,
he's wanted to stay there.

229
00:21:10,927 --> 00:21:14,476
He'd say,
(CHRIS) ''Can I stay at the Mermade one day?''

230
00:21:14,647 --> 00:21:18,276
You know what he's like.
So I booked a couple of nights there.

231
00:21:18,447 --> 00:21:21,723
So if we leave and make an excuse,
don't cause a fuss.

232
00:21:21,887 --> 00:21:24,924
- Nice one.
- It is warm, the Mermade, Ian.

233
00:21:25,087 --> 00:21:26,645
Is it?

234
00:21:34,687 --> 00:21:37,121
Roy, why do you treat Mark like that?

235
00:21:37,287 --> 00:21:40,324
He's a treasure. He's a real hard worker.

236
00:21:40,487 --> 00:21:44,878
- If he left, you'd never replace him.
- (CHUCKLES) He will never leave.

237
00:21:45,047 --> 00:21:47,117
He will if you keep tugging his testes.

238
00:21:47,287 --> 00:21:50,404
No, he won't, Tess.
I have something he needs very badly.

239
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:54,401
And until he gets it, he is my chattel.
Just like you.

240
00:21:54,567 --> 00:21:58,082
(PATS HER BOTTOM)
Back to work, my love. It need not concern you.

241
00:22:02,487 --> 00:22:05,001
What's the plan, then? What are we gonna do?

242
00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:07,283
Owt you want, Chris. The day's young.

243
00:22:07,447 --> 00:22:09,278
No, what I meant was...

244
00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:14,604
well, are you gonna come and live with me
at our mam's old house?

245
00:22:15,607 --> 00:22:19,520
To be honest with you,
there's not that much left around here for me.

246
00:22:19,687 --> 00:22:21,405
Apart from me!

247
00:22:21,567 --> 00:22:24,877
Yeah, of course, and it's brilliant to see you, but...

248
00:22:25,047 --> 00:22:29,996
I mean, the main reason I came up
was to try and find me son, Paul, you know?

249
00:22:30,167 --> 00:22:32,123
He won't remember me, I don't expect.

250
00:22:32,287 --> 00:22:35,484
Probably thinks I've abandoned him,
just like our dad did.

251
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:38,525
God knows what Judy's told him about me.

252
00:22:38,687 --> 00:22:40,757
You never mentioned this before.

253
00:22:40,927 --> 00:22:44,124
I've been trying to put it at the back of me mind.

254
00:22:44,287 --> 00:22:47,245
I thought I'd forget, but it don't work like that.

255
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:50,126
I'd love to see him, even just for a minute.

256
00:22:50,287 --> 00:22:52,642
<i>(SIGHING)</i>

257
00:22:53,207 --> 00:22:54,720
Soon.

258
00:22:54,887 --> 00:22:56,957
Very soon.

259
00:22:59,727 --> 00:23:03,606
Stop staring at it. You're sick.

260
00:23:03,767 --> 00:23:05,917
(GROWLS)

261
00:23:09,207 --> 00:23:12,563
Ah, my little pony. What have we here?

262
00:23:12,727 --> 00:23:15,560
Erm, I...I found these carpet tiles,

263
00:23:15,727 --> 00:23:17,683
and they're a natural stone colour.

264
00:23:17,847 --> 00:23:23,638
I thought if I laid them out over the stains,
they could create a stepping-stone effect.

265
00:23:23,807 --> 00:23:28,005
- Might be quite pleasing.
- My word. That is good.

266
00:23:29,527 --> 00:23:31,404
That is very good!

267
00:23:32,487 --> 00:23:35,524
But not complete. Yes...

268
00:23:35,687 --> 00:23:39,282
Your sensational pathway
must lead to somewhere,

269
00:23:39,447 --> 00:23:42,200
to a centrepiece, to something inspirational.

270
00:23:43,607 --> 00:23:45,086
Yes, I have it!

271
00:23:47,687 --> 00:23:50,884
This photograph of me and a frogman.

272
00:23:51,047 --> 00:23:52,878
Now put it up.

273
00:23:56,327 --> 00:24:01,355
I've got an address for Judy in Catterick.
I've written to her but she hasn't replied, so...

274
00:24:01,527 --> 00:24:03,518
Right, let's go and see her, then.

275
00:24:03,687 --> 00:24:08,238
- How are we gonna get to Catterick?
- By car. I only ever travel by car.

276
00:24:08,407 --> 00:24:11,126
- We haven't got a car.
- Let's go get one, then.

277
00:24:11,287 --> 00:24:15,678
- And how are we gonna do that?
- Same way as we always did. Remember?

278
00:24:18,487 --> 00:24:22,605
I'll go and tell the lads that we're
going to Catterick to see your Paul.

279
00:24:22,767 --> 00:24:24,405
Right.

280
00:24:45,167 --> 00:24:47,283
I was interested in one of your cars.

281
00:24:47,447 --> 00:24:51,281
- What?
- I was interested in one of your cars out...

282
00:24:52,287 --> 00:24:55,597
Oh, right, yeah. Course.
Which, er...car was it you fancied?

283
00:24:55,767 --> 00:24:59,203
- It's this one here.
- Oh, yeah, and why do you like that one?

284
00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:04,157
- D'you know, it's the colour.
- The colour (?) It's a 4.6 Vogue with all the toys.

285
00:25:04,327 --> 00:25:07,160
It's for the wife. You know what women are like.

286
00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:10,956
- No, no, I don't know what women are like.
- No.

287
00:25:11,127 --> 00:25:15,200
OK, then, so tell me
what is it you like about the car.

288
00:25:15,367 --> 00:25:19,042
So much. The big wheels,
its height off the road, its, er...

289
00:25:19,207 --> 00:25:23,359
Most of all, mate,
I like the fact that you choose to drive it.

290
00:25:25,047 --> 00:25:27,322
How did you know that?

291
00:25:27,487 --> 00:25:31,765
- Well, I saw you pulling in earlier.
- Oh, you saw me come in earlier, did you?

292
00:25:31,927 --> 00:25:34,521
Oh, you're nosy, aren't you?

293
00:25:36,727 --> 00:25:40,356
- Yeah, a bit.
- Yeah, yeah. Come in 'ere.

294
00:25:42,207 --> 00:25:43,765
Oh, no, I know.

295
00:25:44,767 --> 00:25:46,598
Let's go for a test drive.

296
00:25:46,767 --> 00:25:49,281
- I'm sure you'll find it appealing.
- Smashing.

297
00:25:53,807 --> 00:25:58,085
- Ever driven an automatic before?
- Er...no. I've heard about them, though.

298
00:25:58,247 --> 00:26:02,365
Oh, as long as you've heard about them,
we're all right, aren't we (?)

299
00:26:12,327 --> 00:26:15,922
So how long have you worked
at the garage, mate?

300
00:26:16,087 --> 00:26:20,763
What? Oh, er...I've worked there since I was six.

301
00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:24,078
So, how do you like the ride?

302
00:26:24,247 --> 00:26:28,479
- Oh, it's smashing. Nice and high up, innit?
- Yeah, well, there's, er...

303
00:26:28,647 --> 00:26:31,286
no body roll, air suspension and that.

304
00:26:31,447 --> 00:26:37,238
- Air suspension? I've heard of that.
- Oh, have you? That's all right, then (!)

305
00:26:37,407 --> 00:26:41,559
- Yeah, it's a lovely smooth ride.
- Mm. Enjoy it, it might be your last.

306
00:26:41,727 --> 00:26:43,877
- All right?
- Jesus! Who's the monkey?

307
00:26:44,047 --> 00:26:46,322
Watch your mouth, mate, that's me brother.

308
00:26:46,487 --> 00:26:50,162
It's OK, I do look a bit like a monkey.
I like this ride.

309
00:26:50,327 --> 00:26:53,444
- It's beautiful, innit?
- Enough of the sales patter.

310
00:26:53,607 --> 00:26:58,442
I know the wheels go round and round,
but what's the story prior to that movement?

311
00:26:58,607 --> 00:27:02,122
- It's a complicated piece of machinery.
- OK, I understand, then.

312
00:27:02,287 --> 00:27:06,485
So, could you pull over now, mate,
let me have a go, yeah?

313
00:27:09,127 --> 00:27:11,846
Yeah, all right, but just for five minutes.

314
00:27:20,807 --> 00:27:23,401
- Oi! Fuckers.
- Whoo-hoo!

315
00:27:26,967 --> 00:27:30,164
- Just like old times, eh?
- Yeah, good work, bro.

316
00:27:32,887 --> 00:27:35,196
You two are dead.

317
00:27:36,847 --> 00:27:40,635
- So where to now?
- What, on a special occasion like this?

318
00:27:40,807 --> 00:27:43,958
Where else but the Mermade Hotel, monkey man?

319
00:27:44,127 --> 00:27:45,640
(GRUNTS) Uh?

320
00:27:47,847 --> 00:27:50,725
- (MAN SNORING)
- (CAWS)