1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:01,527 --> 00:00:03,597 My name is Carl Palmer. 2 00:00:03,767 --> 00:00:08,363 I've returned home to find the son I abandoned in Catterick when he was just four years old. 3 00:00:08,527 --> 00:00:10,199 This is the story of that search. 4 00:00:10,367 --> 00:00:13,723 - Our Carl, I'm over 'ere! - It's nice to see you, man. 5 00:00:13,887 --> 00:00:17,277 - Let's get the pints in, eh? - Good to see you! 6 00:00:19,127 --> 00:00:22,483 - How are we gonna get to Catterick? - By car. 7 00:00:22,647 --> 00:00:25,605 - We haven't got a car. - Let's go get one, then. 8 00:00:25,767 --> 00:00:29,077 - I was interested in one of your cars. - Let's go for a test drive. 9 00:00:30,127 --> 00:00:32,402 - All right? - Jesus, who's the monkey? 10 00:00:32,567 --> 00:00:34,637 Watch your mouth, mate, that's me brother. 11 00:00:35,647 --> 00:00:38,207 - Oi! Fuckers. - Whoo-hoo! 12 00:00:38,367 --> 00:00:40,835 You two are dead. 13 00:00:42,527 --> 00:00:43,926 (CHRIS) So where to now? 14 00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:48,558 Where else but a four-crown-rated English Tourist Board hotel? 15 00:00:48,727 --> 00:00:51,321 What level of luxury is four crowns? 16 00:00:51,487 --> 00:00:53,478 Oh, it's the best, man, you know. 17 00:00:53,647 --> 00:00:55,842 You've got en suite TV and bath, 18 00:00:56,007 --> 00:00:58,567 minibar, 24-hour room service, 19 00:00:58,727 --> 00:01:01,764 tea and coffee-making facilities, in the room, mind. 20 00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:04,236 So basically it's the ultimate in luxury. 21 00:01:04,407 --> 00:01:07,160 Nah, Chris, that would be five crowns. 22 00:01:08,407 --> 00:01:13,322 - So what do you get for the extra crown? - A nightly pillow chocolate and slippers. 23 00:01:13,487 --> 00:01:17,605 Oh, man, that's too much luxury. A man could suffocate in such luxury. 24 00:01:17,767 --> 00:01:19,678 (SIREN) 25 00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:28,997 (AMERICAN ACCENT) OK, listen up. I am Detective Fowler, 26 00:01:29,167 --> 00:01:34,036 and I will be leading this investigation to its dreadful conclusion. 27 00:01:34,207 --> 00:01:37,677 Cordon off this entire area with the finest silken thread. 28 00:01:37,847 --> 00:01:42,398 Erect roadblocks on every adjacent highway and seal off every potential escape route. 29 00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:44,876 To work! 30 00:01:54,727 --> 00:01:56,445 Double vodka, please. 31 00:01:58,767 --> 00:02:00,439 - What? - Double vodka. 32 00:02:00,607 --> 00:02:02,325 Oh. 33 00:02:02,487 --> 00:02:06,480 You know, a couple of rooms at the Mermade have got four-posters. 34 00:02:06,647 --> 00:02:08,797 So? I've got five posters on my wall. 35 00:02:08,967 --> 00:02:12,437 Well, four and a 'alf. I ripped George Clooney when he left ''ER''. 36 00:02:12,607 --> 00:02:14,643 Oh, that's a shame, that is. 37 00:02:14,807 --> 00:02:19,722 You got a lot of pleasure out of that poster. Have you found a replacement yet? 38 00:02:19,887 --> 00:02:23,277 Yes, I've looked round and I've found a replacement poster. 39 00:02:23,447 --> 00:02:25,438 - Oh, yeah, what is it? - Kevin Bacon. 40 00:02:25,607 --> 00:02:27,404 I'm sorry, I don't know him. 41 00:02:30,207 --> 00:02:32,482 Oh, right, him out of ''Footloose'', yeah. 42 00:02:35,887 --> 00:02:37,764 Hold on a minute, Chris. 43 00:02:43,607 --> 00:02:46,804 I'm not 'appy with this, Chris. I'm not 'appy at all. 44 00:02:48,327 --> 00:02:52,479 - I've been stupid, haven't I, Carl? - Yeah, you have a bit, to be honest. 45 00:02:54,127 --> 00:02:55,765 What's happening over the road? 46 00:02:55,927 --> 00:02:58,600 I don't know. There was a robbery or something. 47 00:02:58,767 --> 00:03:01,918 Quite dramatic. Took the owner away in an ambulance. 48 00:03:02,087 --> 00:03:04,043 Was he dead? 49 00:03:04,207 --> 00:03:06,437 I don't know. I don't think so. 50 00:03:06,607 --> 00:03:11,397 They took him out on a stretcher. He had tubes attached and all that shit. 51 00:03:11,567 --> 00:03:13,922 He were flattened like a spatchcock. 52 00:03:14,087 --> 00:03:16,840 - What? - It's a type of flattened chicken. 53 00:03:17,007 --> 00:03:21,080 - D'you want one? We're doing a special... - No! Did anyone see owt? 54 00:03:21,247 --> 00:03:22,646 Don't know. 55 00:03:22,807 --> 00:03:25,799 The police talked to Ian and Glen for ages. Five pound. 56 00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:28,401 Oh, right. Thanks very much. 57 00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:39,515 D'you know, Chris, you're just being stupid. 58 00:03:39,687 --> 00:03:42,485 It was a perfectly good George Clooney poster. 59 00:03:42,647 --> 00:03:46,162 Someone else could have got a lot of pleasure out of it too, 60 00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:51,765 and you've just ripped it in 'alf. It's ridiculous. I'm going to get some air. 61 00:04:16,527 --> 00:04:18,836 (Sorry.) 62 00:04:20,167 --> 00:04:22,556 Terrible business over the road. Did you see? 63 00:04:22,727 --> 00:04:27,084 No, no. To be honest, we were busy drinking with a mate and his brother. 64 00:04:27,247 --> 00:04:31,035 - He's just out of the army. - You don't mean Carl, do you? 65 00:04:32,207 --> 00:04:33,526 Blond hair? Short-arse? 66 00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:37,566 - Yeah. D'you know him? - Know him? I served with him in the... 67 00:04:37,727 --> 00:04:40,002 Battle of Britain. 68 00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:41,486 (Shit.) 69 00:04:41,647 --> 00:04:45,356 Oh, I've missed him, 'ave I? It's just I owe him some money. 70 00:04:45,527 --> 00:04:49,156 I wish I'd caught him. How unfortunate. Do you have an address? 71 00:04:50,727 --> 00:04:55,562 I imagine he's staying with his brother Chris. I'll write it down for you if you like. 72 00:05:00,487 --> 00:05:04,162 Hey, baby man, I need to see your mate and his monkey. 73 00:05:04,327 --> 00:05:06,477 Now give me the address. 74 00:05:08,247 --> 00:05:11,080 It's all right, man, Glen, it's his friend. 75 00:05:12,447 --> 00:05:15,723 Last chance, baby man! Now give me the address! 76 00:05:25,927 --> 00:05:27,918 Hey, thanks. Really. It's a great help. 77 00:05:28,087 --> 00:05:30,999 I'll go and catch up with him now. See you around. 78 00:05:32,967 --> 00:05:37,279 'Ere, d'you reckon a crabstick dispenser would go down well in the toilet, 79 00:05:37,447 --> 00:05:40,041 next to a blob machine? 80 00:05:41,927 --> 00:05:43,804 Lads? Lads? 81 00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:48,324 So there I was, surrounded by dirty bum-lickin' scumbags 82 00:05:48,487 --> 00:05:51,524 in one of the most notorious brothels on the Eastern Seaboard. 83 00:05:51,687 --> 00:05:54,485 A cop alone and in serious trouble. 84 00:05:54,647 --> 00:06:00,517 What they didn't know was that I had concealed my pistol in my Tooperware box. 85 00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:04,244 Yes, I owe my life to Tooperware. 86 00:06:05,247 --> 00:06:08,239 Yes, what is it, Sergeant Mingemungeington? 87 00:06:08,407 --> 00:06:11,126 Sir, er...what's Tooperware? 88 00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:15,599 You know, it's an airtight, see-through range of plastic convenience boxes. 89 00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:21,680 For transporting cookies, pretzels, turkey jerky, corn muffins... 90 00:06:21,847 --> 00:06:24,156 Er...it's pronounced ''Tupperware'', sir. 91 00:06:24,327 --> 00:06:27,717 OK, I concealed my pistol in my Tooperware box. 92 00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:33,798 OK, enough already. We've got work to do. 93 00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:38,722 I want that Range Rover. I want it yesterday. It is my destiny to confront this beast. 94 00:06:38,887 --> 00:06:42,402 May the police force be with you. My God! 95 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,798 The Mermade. 96 00:06:53,927 --> 00:06:56,680 Has Mr Clooney heard about what you've done? 97 00:06:56,847 --> 00:07:00,157 - How d'you think that would make him feel? - Look, I'm sorry! 98 00:07:00,327 --> 00:07:05,196 You're gonna write a letter of apology, Chris, that's what you're gonna do. 99 00:07:18,727 --> 00:07:20,399 Help you? 100 00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:24,526 Could I check in? I'm Palmer. I've got a double room for two nights. 101 00:07:24,687 --> 00:07:26,757 Oh, yeah. Mr Palmer. 102 00:07:28,927 --> 00:07:31,725 Are you here for fun or specially for the flotilla? 103 00:07:31,887 --> 00:07:35,038 They say it's gonna be the best ever this year. 104 00:07:35,207 --> 00:07:40,361 Erm...no, not for the flotilla. We're just 'ere for fun, I suppose. And a rest. 105 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:45,521 - I've just had a long flight from Cyprus. - Mm, Cyprus, eh? How exotic. 106 00:07:45,687 --> 00:07:48,679 - I expect you've still got the shits, have yer? - Sorry? 107 00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:54,240 No, no, no, I'm nice and, er... nice and stiff, thanks. 108 00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:57,126 I had six hard-boiled eggs on the flight. 109 00:07:57,287 --> 00:08:01,326 Six? No way. You're tickling my turnips, in't yer? 110 00:08:02,327 --> 00:08:05,478 No, I wouldn't do that. It's an old army trick. Honest. 111 00:08:05,647 --> 00:08:08,036 Oh. Is it? 112 00:08:08,207 --> 00:08:12,962 - So, this flotilla's popular, is it? - Very. Did you not 'ear about last year's? 113 00:08:13,127 --> 00:08:18,406 It was terrible. Three ships lost, 27 sailors injured, 114 00:08:18,567 --> 00:08:21,798 hundreds of spectators inconvenienced for months, 115 00:08:21,967 --> 00:08:27,360 all because one woman took it upon herself to bare her breasts in a gale force seven. 116 00:08:27,527 --> 00:08:30,200 Still, seems to be better organised this year. 117 00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:35,243 - (WHEEzES) - Ooh, whoops-a-daisy. 118 00:08:35,407 --> 00:08:37,477 Is that for your asthma, is it? 119 00:08:37,647 --> 00:08:41,276 - No, just makes me feel better. - Yeah, it does, doesn't it? 120 00:08:41,447 --> 00:08:44,007 - Doesn't last long. - Oh, that's a shame. 121 00:08:44,167 --> 00:08:48,445 So, er...Mr Palmer, that's room seven on the second floor. 122 00:08:48,607 --> 00:08:52,361 - Someone will take you up. - I like this, but the 'ead's too big. 123 00:08:52,527 --> 00:08:55,519 (MUSIC: ''KINKY BOOTS'') 124 00:08:55,687 --> 00:08:58,918 ♪ Everybody's going for those kinky boots, kinky boots 125 00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:03,124 - # kinky boots # - I'll give you head in a minute. 126 00:09:03,287 --> 00:09:06,996 Leave my fountain alone! How would you like it if I fingered YOUR rim? 127 00:09:07,167 --> 00:09:09,203 I'm not bothered. 128 00:09:13,447 --> 00:09:15,563 Here we are, gentlemen. 129 00:09:16,247 --> 00:09:20,081 Oh! Can we go anywhere in the room we want? 130 00:09:20,247 --> 00:09:24,240 Of course, sir, we allow, er... complete freedom of movement. 131 00:09:24,407 --> 00:09:27,524 Who made the bed? Your mam? 132 00:09:27,687 --> 00:09:30,918 - Er...no, a chambermaid does it every day. - I know. 133 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:36,398 (HINGES CREAK) 134 00:09:41,287 --> 00:09:44,199 (TV NEWS BROADCAST) 135 00:09:47,047 --> 00:09:51,643 Now we return to today's main i' em, the daylight robbery of Neil 's Wheels. 136 00:09:51,807 --> 00:09:56,881 (FOWLER) Yes, I can confirm that we are linking today's attacks at Neil 's Wheels 137 00:09:57,047 --> 00:10:00,244 with a similar occurrence last week at Car Pavilion. 138 00:10:00,407 --> 00:10:03,365 And can I assure you that I, DI Fowler, 139 00:10:03,527 --> 00:10:08,203 will catch this dickhead, using the most advanced DNA techniques. 140 00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,164 I can smell his scent, 141 00:10:10,327 --> 00:10:14,843 and I will pursue him over swamp, over dale. My God! 142 00:10:15,727 --> 00:10:18,639 A...are you 'ere for the flotilla, Mr Palmer? 143 00:10:18,807 --> 00:10:23,005 Ah, no, not really. Although we've heard it's gonna be good this year, yeah? 144 00:10:23,167 --> 00:10:25,727 Bound to be better than last year's. 145 00:10:26,967 --> 00:10:31,563 It was a bloodbath. Don't know how many died. It was too 'orrible to count. 146 00:10:31,727 --> 00:10:35,606 It was summat to do with a woman getting her cowies out, wasn't it? 147 00:10:35,767 --> 00:10:38,486 You know, getting her, erm... her bosoms out, yeah? 148 00:10:38,647 --> 00:10:40,877 Oh, yeah. The bitch. 149 00:10:41,047 --> 00:10:46,326 Look, Carl! Slippers! They're not meant to be 'ere. It's only four-crown. 150 00:10:46,487 --> 00:10:50,036 Oh, that's a new thing. We're trying to obtain a fifth one. 151 00:10:51,047 --> 00:10:53,083 Well, we don't want 'em. 152 00:10:53,247 --> 00:10:56,717 We came 'ere to relax, not to suffocate. 153 00:10:56,887 --> 00:10:58,957 Er...as you wish. 154 00:11:03,887 --> 00:11:06,845 (PHONE RINGS) 155 00:11:07,007 --> 00:11:09,043 (That's sick!) 156 00:11:09,207 --> 00:11:11,596 How could anyone do that? 157 00:11:12,887 --> 00:11:15,799 - (ANSWERPHONE BEEPS) - (IAN) Hello, Chris ? Carl? 158 00:11:15,967 --> 00:11:19,277 I'm just phoning to say that there's some fella after you. 159 00:11:19,447 --> 00:11:23,360 He's a nasty piece of work. Gave some bullshi' about owing you money. 160 00:11:23,527 --> 00:11:26,837 We had to give him your address and he got qui' e violent. 161 00:11:27,007 --> 00:11:30,716 I didn't say you were going to the Mermade, so you'll be Ok there. 162 00:11:30,887 --> 00:11:36,757 So take care. Oh, hey, he's a short lad, about five foot tall, a bi' piggy-faced... 163 00:11:40,367 --> 00:11:43,086 I say, mate, what's the name of the receptionist? 164 00:11:43,247 --> 00:11:45,522 - Tess. - Tess. 165 00:11:45,687 --> 00:11:48,247 - She's a lovely lass, i'nt she? - Oh, mm. 166 00:11:48,407 --> 00:11:50,238 Has she got a boyfriend or owt? 167 00:11:50,407 --> 00:11:55,845 Oh, yeah. She lives 'ere with the hotel manager, Mr Roy Oates. 168 00:11:56,007 --> 00:11:59,795 - He's a lucky lad, then, i'nt he? - (SIGHS) 169 00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:04,643 Anyway, er...dinner is served from 6.30. And, erm... 170 00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:07,480 Well, er...I don't know if you're interested, 171 00:12:07,647 --> 00:12:12,926 but I am the resident DJ at the jazz fusion disco in the bar. 172 00:12:13,087 --> 00:12:16,636 Everything from Spyro Gyra to Weather Report, 173 00:12:16,807 --> 00:12:20,163 with a guest appearance by Average White Band at 2200 hours. 174 00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:24,525 # A doodle da, diddly da, doodly deh-deh Da-da de-deh, pick up the pieces # 175 00:12:24,687 --> 00:12:27,520 - I know that one, yeah. - Oh, yeah. 176 00:12:27,687 --> 00:12:29,757 There should be some women there, 177 00:12:29,927 --> 00:12:32,236 but there won't be. And, er... 178 00:12:32,407 --> 00:12:35,444 I'll leave you to freshen up and do your ablutions. 179 00:12:35,607 --> 00:12:38,201 My name's Mark if you should need anything. 180 00:12:38,367 --> 00:12:42,565 - OK. Pleased to meet you, Mark. - You too, Mr Palmer. It's a p-pleasure. 181 00:12:44,767 --> 00:12:47,520 - Yeah, bye. - Yeah. I'll see you, then. 182 00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:57,037 - Hello, Mummy? - Hello, Tony. 183 00:12:57,207 --> 00:13:00,279 I'm just phoning to say I'll be late for tea. 184 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:04,645 I have to pick up some, er...cutlery from the Mermade Hotel. 185 00:13:04,807 --> 00:13:08,083 - It's for the pop-in centre. - You're such a good lad. 186 00:13:08,247 --> 00:13:11,842 - I'll be as quick as I can. - I want you back for teaI 187 00:13:12,007 --> 00:13:15,238 - Yes, I promise. - OK, love, I'll see you at teatime. 188 00:13:15,407 --> 00:13:18,558 - Bye. - Bye. 189 00:13:19,687 --> 00:13:22,724 (GOBBLING) 190 00:13:32,487 --> 00:13:34,284 (COCKS GUN) 191 00:13:46,527 --> 00:13:49,325 (HAIRDRYER) 192 00:13:54,687 --> 00:13:57,406 - Chris, pass me the phone, please. - Why? 193 00:13:57,567 --> 00:14:00,365 - Because I wanna make a phone call. - Who to? 194 00:14:00,527 --> 00:14:03,644 It's none of your business, Chris. Just pass me the phone. 195 00:14:03,807 --> 00:14:06,321 It's George Clooney, innit? 196 00:14:06,487 --> 00:14:09,206 Yes, actually, Chris. Now, give me the phone. 197 00:14:11,687 --> 00:14:16,920 No, Carl, don't do it. Not with this phone. Don't tell George Clooney I ripped his poster. 198 00:14:17,087 --> 00:14:18,679 Too late now, Chris. 199 00:14:20,807 --> 00:14:24,846 Hello, could I speak to George Cloo... Oh, it is you, George. Hello there. 200 00:14:25,007 --> 00:14:27,282 Yeah, I'm fine, thanks. 201 00:14:27,447 --> 00:14:30,325 Yeah, I was phoning about me brother Chris. 202 00:14:30,487 --> 00:14:32,842 Yeah, yeah, with the woolly hair. 203 00:14:33,007 --> 00:14:37,603 I'm sorry to tell you this, George, but he's ripped one of your posters in half. 204 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:43,763 Oh, try not to be so upset, George, man... Yeah, of course you're devastated. 205 00:14:43,927 --> 00:14:49,559 Hello there. Yeah, could I have two fried eggs on toast, please? Room seven. 206 00:14:50,567 --> 00:14:52,683 Was he really angry? 207 00:14:52,847 --> 00:14:56,726 He was more upset than angry, really, Chris. 208 00:14:56,887 --> 00:14:59,879 Why's he sending us eggs, then? 209 00:15:00,047 --> 00:15:03,960 I'll tell you why. Because he's a decent bloke. He doesn't bear a grudge. 210 00:15:04,127 --> 00:15:06,436 You're a lucky lad, Chris. 211 00:15:11,647 --> 00:15:14,400 D'you want your face washing, Carl? 212 00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:17,127 Yeah, that would be nice, thank you. 213 00:15:18,287 --> 00:15:20,482 (RUNS TAP BRIEFLY) 214 00:15:25,647 --> 00:15:27,000 That's it. 215 00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:29,362 Cheers, Chris. Want me to do yours? 216 00:15:29,527 --> 00:15:31,836 - Yeah. - Take your gegs off. 217 00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:37,118 - Go 'way! Go 'way, man! - Ah, come on, Chris. 218 00:15:37,287 --> 00:15:39,164 - It'll freshen you up. - Away! 219 00:15:41,247 --> 00:15:42,646 (CAWS) 220 00:15:45,607 --> 00:15:48,519 - (TYRES SQUEAL) - (CRASH) 221 00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:55,361 - (MAN GROANS) - Now keep calm, it's going to be OK. 222 00:15:55,527 --> 00:16:00,396 - I'm a doctor. I saw it. It wasn't your fault. - He just stepped out. I didn't see him. 223 00:16:00,567 --> 00:16:03,684 Why does this always happen to me? 224 00:16:03,847 --> 00:16:06,281 Why does it always happen to me, more like! 225 00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:10,679 He's bleeding badly. I need a tourniquet. Take your tights off. 226 00:16:10,847 --> 00:16:14,044 (CAR STEREO: ''I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS'') 227 00:16:19,327 --> 00:16:20,680 (SCREAMS) 228 00:16:20,847 --> 00:16:25,284 What is that wonderful smell? It's like fruits of the forest. 229 00:16:25,447 --> 00:16:29,201 - Er...it's Fanny Fresh. - And what is that? 230 00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:31,198 Prat spray. 231 00:16:31,367 --> 00:16:35,758 - It's wonderful. It's wonderful. I love you! - (THUNDER ROLLS) 232 00:16:35,927 --> 00:16:39,681 ♪ I wanna know what love is 233 00:16:42,447 --> 00:16:45,962 ♪ I want you to show me 234 00:16:48,087 --> 00:16:51,204 ♪ I wanna feel what love is 235 00:16:54,287 --> 00:16:58,121 ♪ I know you can show me 236 00:16:59,967 --> 00:17:03,243 ♪ I wanna know what love is ... ♪ 237 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:07,837 That was a super little meal, wasn't it? 238 00:17:13,727 --> 00:17:16,116 - You 'aving a pudding? - I've already 'ad one. 239 00:17:16,287 --> 00:17:18,243 - No, you 'aven't. - I know. 240 00:17:18,407 --> 00:17:21,444 Every picture tells a story, and this one's a whodunnit. 241 00:17:21,607 --> 00:17:24,758 - Oh, right, so who did do it? - I dunno. 242 00:17:25,927 --> 00:17:29,363 Have you never heard anything about me son Paul whilst I was away? 243 00:17:29,527 --> 00:17:33,964 Read about him doing summat brave, or winning a trophy for running fast? 244 00:17:34,127 --> 00:17:38,040 Last I 'eard, he was working in Riley's Garden Centre on the Catterick Road, 245 00:17:38,207 --> 00:17:39,799 but that was three years ago. 246 00:17:39,967 --> 00:17:43,243 - Who told you that, like? - Dan Dan the Shellfish Man. 247 00:17:43,407 --> 00:17:46,922 Talk to him. He moves about and he's a nosy get. 248 00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:57,127 (SIGHING) 249 00:17:58,127 --> 00:18:01,597 Hang on in there. It von't be long. 250 00:18:06,207 --> 00:18:12,203 - Hello. Do you mind if I join you? - Oh, erm...no, Mr Palmer, that's fine. Please do. 251 00:18:12,367 --> 00:18:14,358 Thanks very much. 252 00:18:16,247 --> 00:18:19,045 So, Mr Palmer, is everything OK? 253 00:18:19,207 --> 00:18:21,675 Yeah, it's a super little hotel, it really is. 254 00:18:21,847 --> 00:18:24,725 And, er...are you still egg-bound? 255 00:18:24,887 --> 00:18:28,243 Oh, no, no, I've unburdened meself, up in the room, you know. 256 00:18:28,407 --> 00:18:31,479 It was spectacular. It was like a Jean Michael Jarre concert. 257 00:18:31,647 --> 00:18:34,559 You know, all singing and dancing. 258 00:18:34,727 --> 00:18:40,484 I phoned up the port authority to alert them that there might be a blip on the radar. 259 00:18:40,647 --> 00:18:44,879 It's the flotilla tomorrow. Let's hope it doesn't get in the way. 260 00:18:45,047 --> 00:18:49,359 Yeah. There she blows! Man the poop deck! 261 00:18:50,607 --> 00:18:52,359 Shit ahoy! 262 00:18:52,527 --> 00:18:57,726 - (NEEDLE SKIPS ON RECORD ) - I'll, er...just go and fix my record deck. 263 00:19:02,167 --> 00:19:06,319 - Nice fella, Mark, i'nt he? - Yeah. As men go, yeah. 264 00:19:06,487 --> 00:19:09,001 I like... I like your scarf. 265 00:19:12,087 --> 00:19:14,078 I bought it in a shop, so... 266 00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:20,397 - Is there anywhere good around here? - Over there by the window's quite popular. 267 00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:23,604 Yeah, I've been there. It's a hell of a view, innit? 268 00:19:23,767 --> 00:19:26,725 I was exhausted after about two minutes. 269 00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:31,005 To be honest with you, Tess, I, er...prefer the view from here, really. 270 00:19:34,727 --> 00:19:39,323 Oh, look, there's your...friend up at the bar. I'd better go and serve him. 271 00:19:39,487 --> 00:19:42,923 Oh, right. Hey, maybe we could have a dance later, eh? 272 00:19:44,287 --> 00:19:45,959 Maybe. 273 00:19:48,847 --> 00:19:50,883 Did you see or hear anything? 274 00:19:51,047 --> 00:19:54,926 C'mon, it's like trying to draw blood out of a bowl with you guys. 275 00:19:55,087 --> 00:19:56,725 No. Nothin'. 276 00:19:56,887 --> 00:19:58,445 No. 277 00:19:58,607 --> 00:20:02,282 And you? Where did you get that damage to your chin? 278 00:20:02,447 --> 00:20:07,396 - My hunch is it's a recent occurrence. - Me and Pat had a fight. 279 00:20:07,567 --> 00:20:10,957 About what, may I incredulously inquire? 280 00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:13,923 - Whose hands... - Were the heaviest. 281 00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:16,555 Were the heaviest. 282 00:20:17,447 --> 00:20:19,642 OK, I'll buy that for now. 283 00:20:19,807 --> 00:20:23,197 But if any of you remember anything, give me a call. 284 00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:26,643 Or dial 999 and ask for the American Eagle. 285 00:20:26,807 --> 00:20:28,559 Oh, one more thing. 286 00:20:28,727 --> 00:20:33,243 Might I ask that none of you leave Europe until this investigation is over? 287 00:20:35,607 --> 00:20:37,996 Come, Webster, we must away. 288 00:20:41,727 --> 00:20:44,719 Pint of lager, pint of cider and a pint of bitter. 289 00:20:44,887 --> 00:20:49,165 And a selection of pickles for two male adults, please, and make it snappy. 290 00:20:49,327 --> 00:20:51,602 That's a crocodile joke. Ha ha. 291 00:20:51,767 --> 00:20:54,600 - See them coasters there? - Yeah. 292 00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:57,122 They're multilayered. There's no adhesive. 293 00:20:57,287 --> 00:20:59,960 No adhesive? You're shitting on me. 294 00:21:00,127 --> 00:21:03,517 I wouldn't do that. I used to work in the paper factory. 295 00:21:03,687 --> 00:21:06,247 Hey. Hush, whisht, whisht. Listen. 296 00:21:06,407 --> 00:21:12,846 One day this bloke working the coaster press got his finger caught under the piston, 297 00:21:13,007 --> 00:21:15,919 and when he pulled it out, it had gone. 298 00:21:16,087 --> 00:21:19,523 There was no evidence. It just disappeared in a puff of smoke. 299 00:21:19,687 --> 00:21:22,565 No way. You're feeling my fanny. 300 00:21:22,727 --> 00:21:25,480 And that lonely coaster press operative 301 00:21:25,647 --> 00:21:27,797 lives today to tell the tale. 302 00:21:27,967 --> 00:21:31,642 And that bloke...is not me. 303 00:21:31,807 --> 00:21:34,799 Cheeky get, licking my arse like that. 304 00:21:34,967 --> 00:21:37,640 - I know. - (LAUGHS RAUCOUSLY) 305 00:21:40,887 --> 00:21:42,923 Pull me finger. 306 00:21:43,087 --> 00:21:44,964 (FARTS) 307 00:21:50,087 --> 00:21:52,601 I...I didn't see that coming! 308 00:21:52,767 --> 00:21:54,246 Uh? 309 00:21:56,207 --> 00:22:00,280 - (FARTS) - (LAUGHS) You're funny. 310 00:22:00,447 --> 00:22:05,726 #Judy Teen, the queen of the scene, she's rag doll amore 311 00:22:08,047 --> 00:22:13,997 #Judy Teen grew sick of the scene, just bragging to fools 312 00:22:15,087 --> 00:22:19,000 ♪ Together riding on a crest, i' was swell We stole her face 313 00:22:19,167 --> 00:22:25,481 ♪ And oh, how we laughed She made us happy... 314 00:22:30,447 --> 00:22:32,039 (NEEDLE SKIPS) 315 00:22:33,887 --> 00:22:37,562 This ungodly, feverish display vill stop now! 316 00:22:37,727 --> 00:22:40,116 I know your game. Back to your duties! 317 00:22:44,927 --> 00:22:47,441 -Vot do you call this? - Er...a disco night. 318 00:22:47,607 --> 00:22:50,679 ''Er...a disco night.'' 319 00:22:50,847 --> 00:22:55,204 And let me count the number of people at your disco night. 320 00:22:55,367 --> 00:22:59,804 One, two, three, four, five. 321 00:22:59,967 --> 00:23:04,961 I only need one hand, which leaves me the other free to thmack your head with! 322 00:23:05,127 --> 00:23:07,277 Come on, mate, give him a break. 323 00:23:07,447 --> 00:23:12,396 - Good idea. I'll break his neck. - Mr Oates, why are you so down on me today? 324 00:23:12,567 --> 00:23:18,244 Yes, I vill go down on you. Very hard and very forcibly until you come good. 325 00:23:21,247 --> 00:23:23,761 Hey, you two, tossers, off. 326 00:23:26,247 --> 00:23:30,763 - That's it. Get out! - You can't throw us out, we're residents. 327 00:23:30,927 --> 00:23:34,681 Vell, the bar is shut, so you can PISS OFF back to your room. 328 00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:38,203 And as for you, baby bellboy, 329 00:23:38,367 --> 00:23:40,562 I vill deal with you in the morning. 330 00:23:40,727 --> 00:23:42,843 Now, everybody out! 331 00:23:43,007 --> 00:23:44,679 All right, mate. 332 00:23:50,927 --> 00:23:54,761 - (MOUTHS) - I told you to get out. 333 00:24:03,247 --> 00:24:05,841 Er...Chris, can I have a word? 334 00:24:06,007 --> 00:24:10,683 Erm...your brother's told me all about this George Clooney business. 335 00:24:10,847 --> 00:24:12,485 - Aaargh! - No, Chris. 336 00:24:12,647 --> 00:24:16,196 I have to say I'm with your brother over this. What possessed you? 337 00:24:16,367 --> 00:24:18,517 Pull my finger. 338 00:24:23,647 --> 00:24:25,922 (SQUELCHING) 339 00:24:27,767 --> 00:24:29,086 (THUD ) 340 00:24:29,247 --> 00:24:32,557 Come with me. I've got something to show you. 341 00:24:36,967 --> 00:24:39,800 How did he do that? 342 00:24:41,007 --> 00:24:45,478 How dare you look at me like that? You whore! Go to the room now! 343 00:24:46,327 --> 00:24:48,522 Piss off, Roy. 344 00:24:48,687 --> 00:24:51,679 Just piss off and leave me alone! 345 00:24:51,847 --> 00:24:55,283 (MUSIC: MORRISSEY'S ''SATAN REJECTED MY SOUL'') 346 00:25:05,807 --> 00:25:09,004 ♪ Satan rejected my soul 347 00:25:09,167 --> 00:25:13,046 ♪ As low as he goes, he never qui' e goes this low 348 00:25:13,207 --> 00:25:15,437 ♪ He's seen my face around 349 00:25:15,607 --> 00:25:21,000 ♪ He knows heaven doesn't seem to be my home 350 00:25:21,167 --> 00:25:26,764 ♪ So I must find somewhere else to go 351 00:25:26,927 --> 00:25:31,443 ♪ I must find somewhere else to go 352 00:25:31,607 --> 00:25:35,077 ♪ So take i', please 353 00:25:35,247 --> 00:25:39,798 ♪ Call me in , call me in , call me in 354 00:25:41,447 --> 00:25:42,926 ♪ Come on, come on 355 00:25:43,087 --> 00:25:48,320 ♪ Oh, come on, come on, la, la, la la la la 356 00:25:48,487 --> 00:25:50,682 ♪ Ooh ♪ 357 00:25:57,647 --> 00:25:59,877 Don't leave me, Tess. 358 00:26:00,047 --> 00:26:03,119 Please don't leave me! 359 00:26:05,127 --> 00:26:08,563 - (SQUELCHING) - Don't leave me, Tess. 360 00:26:12,007 --> 00:26:16,159 Erm...I found that in a skip. 361 00:26:16,327 --> 00:26:20,115 If it'll 'elp to smooth things out with you and Carl, it's yours. 362 00:26:22,767 --> 00:26:24,519 (SOBS) 363 00:26:26,647 --> 00:26:28,000 It's all right, Chris. 364 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:38,202 - You little liar! - (SCREAMS) 365 00:26:39,247 --> 00:26:42,398 Mum! What are you doing? Aagh! My hair! 366 00:26:43,607 --> 00:26:46,167 What are you doing, Mum? Get off me! 367 00:26:47,287 --> 00:26:49,755 You're not collecting cutlery. You're on the run again! 368 00:26:49,927 --> 00:26:54,796 - No, Mum, honest! You've got it wrong! - Get in there now! 369 00:26:54,967 --> 00:26:57,356 I got it direct from the police! 370 00:27:02,847 --> 00:27:05,156 Don't leave me, Tess. 371 00:27:05,327 --> 00:27:09,320 Not now! Soon we will be complete. 372 00:27:09,487 --> 00:27:11,045 (WHIMPERS) 373 00:27:11,207 --> 00:27:13,277 Don't leave me, Tess! 374 00:27:14,367 --> 00:27:17,803 ♪ I wanna know what love is 375 00:27:20,567 --> 00:27:24,242 ♪ I want you to show me 376 00:27:26,207 --> 00:27:29,279 ♪ I wanna feel what love is 377 00:27:32,487 --> 00:27:35,923 ♪ I know you can show me 378 00:27:38,007 --> 00:27:41,124 ♪ I wanna know what love is ... 379 00:27:42,207 --> 00:27:44,767 (TONY) You two are dead.