WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
My name is Carl Palmer.
I've returned home to find the son I abandoned in Catterick when he was just four years old.
This is the story of that search.
D'you know where my son lives?
He was working down the old what with the old down the old Riley's Garden Centre.
- We're going to find Carl's son. - D'you wanna come?
- I'm the best cuddler in England. - (LAUGHS) Prove it.
Tomorrow, you are leaving my employment.
- It's still in the car. - Did you not get Ian's message?
There was a right nutter in here before, looking for you and Carl.
Don't worry. We nicked 'is car.
- He'll calm down when he gets it back. - Fetch it tonight!
Fetch it tonight.
Hello.
Wakey-wakey.
Shit! Jesus.
Hiya.
I just thought I'd pop in and say hello.
Oh, listen, mate, I'm sorry about taking the car and that. We 'ad to do it.
Me brother Chris had seen summat dangerous and important on the horizon.
We thought it was best if we dealt with it alone.
Oh, that's fine. I wouldn't want to get involved
in something dangerous happening as far away as the horizon.
I clearly owe YOU an apology.
- What's more, you say it was important. - Yeah, it was, yeah.
- So, what was it? - A fire up the top of the hill, you know, and...
It was almost like a bushfire, and it was... There was children playing nearby. It was bad.
- Mate, the keys are in me jacket. Just... - Forget about the car.
Let's relax, have a nice time. Let's have a little party.
- We've gotta be up early... - I'm gonna stay up.
I've been looking forward to this. Don't spoil it.
I've even brought some music.
First up, though, take this shoe off for me.
- Sorry? - Take me shoe off for me.
Can't believe he's fucking done it. If I asked you to take the other shoe off, would you?
No, I wouldn't.
(SOBS) You're a good friend!
We're gonna have a good party.
- (MUSIC: THEME FROM ''EASTENDERS'') - (GASPING AND MOANING)
♪ Anyone can fall...
- There's nothing in there. - I know.
- Just saving you... - Waste of time talking about it.
What is it you want? I don't need any trouble.
D'you wanna have a fight, or... you want money? What?
I want you to sing along. It's a party.
- (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING) - I don't know this song.
- Didn't you have ''EastEnders'' in the army? - Course we did.
Remember it, then.
(OUT OF TUNE) # Anyone can fall...
I...I don't know the words, mate.
You've ruined it now.
Could've been a good party. Look what you made me do!
It's useless now! Eat it, you bastard!
Come on, eat it! Steal my car, would you?!
I know!
(CHOKES)
Help us! Help us! Somebody 'elp us! You just 'ave to!
Go on, get it stuffed down that little...
- (CHRIS) Come on! - Come back here!
- Chris, man, get out of here! - I know!
- (SHRIEkING) - God, Roy, what's that?
(STRANGLED ROARING)
Hang on!
Come on! Get going!
(ROARS)
(DARTH VADER BREATHING)
Ha. Ha ha!
Oh, thanks, Mark, man. You came just in time, like.
Oh, no problem, Carl. Who was that feller?
- The bloke you brained with a vacuum cleaner? - Well, yeah, I think so, Chris.
- I know! - Why did you ask?
- I never. I never said a single word. - Yes, you did. You said vacuum cleaner.
- Jesus was a carpenter. - Thank you, Chris.
- We borrowed his car without permission. - This one?
- Yeah. - This one?
- Er...the one we're sat in? - Yes, Mark.
It's a Range Rover.
What on earth is Elephant Man doing in my lobby?
What is your name? What is your name?!
What is your name?
It's you! It's Carl's mate. What IS your name?
Tony.
Tony, er...Curtis.
(AMERICAN ACCENT) The slaying of Neil Wheel of Neil's Wheels
appears to be a singularly motiveless crime.
His family and friends have all been excluded.
He was a private man.
A small businessman, God bless him.
So what next, boss? It...it seems hopeless.
It's not hopeless, Webster.
Sever that thought from your mind and replace it with one of guile and stealth.
I will bag this rat before sundown.
The wrong will be avenged.
I wanna pay a visit to the Mermade Hotel.
I smell a rat around that manager who lied to me about having a wife.
Come, Webster, time is not our worst enemy.
They've taken everything. Even the credit card records.
(WHEEzES)
Fat boy and his mates have shafted me!
God, man, they've stolen my car.
- My beautiful car. - Who the hell are you?
Hey, cool it. I'd just arrived to check in
when I was attacked from above by what I can only call the top third of a Dalek.
It was a vacuum cleaner.
Course! It was a vacuum cleaner, wasn't it?
They have slipped us a length, but they cannot be far.
Phone the police. We'll get changed.
I vill soon catch them in my supercar.
(MOBILE RINGS)
- I'm not answering. - Just answer it!
- No, you do it. I'm not doing it. - Bloody 'ell, Mark.
- Hello? - Hello, I hope you're still enjoying the car.
I'm just phoning to say I'm coming after you.
Here, pull in 'ere, that pick-your-own place.
I'll see you soon.
Oh, and by the way, if you've touched my money, you're dead.
Actually, you're dead anyway. Ciao.
Hello, mate?
Hello?
Ah, he's gone.
It was that nutter from the hotel.
He says we've got his money and he's gonna kill us if he catches us.
He can't kill me. I'm indestructible. Everybody knows that.
I don't mind dying if I die rich. Where's this money?
- In the car, I presume. - 'Ey. It might even be this car.
(BOTH TALK EXCITEDLY)
(SHRIEKS) Oh! Oh!
- Oh! Oh! - Hey, Chris, get it over 'ere, man!
- Oh! - Open the handles.
- Oh! That's money! - Look at that!
- Can you not handle it, Chris? - I'm handling it already.
Right, Tess, let's go.
You never want to come! Not with me, anyway.
- Right, let's go. - Jesus, Roy, what you wearing that for?
It is my specialist pursuit outfit. Let's go.
No. No, I'm not coming with you, Roy.
I'm sick of the way you treat me.
Just listen to yourself, ordering me around like I'm your slave.
Sort yourself out, Roy!
And stop staring at that thing in the safe!
That ''thing'', as you call it, is our future!
It is also a private matter, and you're coming with me to reclaim it!
- No. - Do as you're told, woman!
- No! Get off me, Roy! We're finished! - I am not finished with you!
Oh, shit, man, look. They've done your safe, too.
God. Oh, my God, no!
They've taken everything!
- What, even the...? - Yes, everything!
- Have you called the police? - Yeah, they're on their way.
This is now a private matter. Ve must catch them before the police do.
Yes, that's it. In the supercar. Come on.
Come on!
?50,000, lads. It's gotta be stolen, you know.
Otherwise it would be the police after us, not that nutter.
- What do you wanna do, Chris? - Well, I'd very much like to keep it.
PS. And spend it.
- Mark? - Well, firstly, I'd like to say I'm very excited.
Er...and I too would like to keep it.
That is assuming, of course, you feel I'm entitled to a share.
What would you spend it on, Chris?
- I dunno. - What things are you interested in buying?
Well, luxury items, Mark.
What, such as a home cinema unit?
- A Ferrari? - Oh, aye, Ferrari! Fastest car in Britain.
Thanks, but no thanks. Luxury pets is what I want.
Chris, what exactly constitutes a luxury pet?
A soft white poodle, a lobster, a venison and a silkworm.
No, two silkworms. I intend to wear a lot of luxury gowns.
(SHRIEKS) Aaaaaah!
The manager, his girlfriend and a guest left ten minutes ago, sir.
Someone stole the guest's green Range Rover and they're chasing it.
Matches our Range Rover, sir.
Get in, Webster.
I smell blood.
And my God, does it smell good!
Mark, what are you gonna spend yours on?
Prostitutes, mainly.
If I've got owt left, repair me mam's banister.
Oh, excuse me, Carl.
If I've got any money left over, I'd like to contribute to the repair of Mark's mam's banister.
- Thank you, Chris, that's very kind. - I know!
They have stolen my most precious possession!
They can't have gotten far.
They better hope the police get there first. Yes, they have picked the wrong man to cross!
Oh, yes, I will take them one by one, from behind if necessary!
- Stop! I wanna get out! - Shut up! You're going nowhere!
You will remain here under my command at this time of crisis.
Mark, you don't wanna spend all your money on prossies.
Get a real wife and 'ave a luxury honeymoon, e.g. by a river.
That's a terrible idea. Isn't it, Carl?
- It is, Mark, yeah. - What about you, Carl?
Well, when I find me son, I'll give 'im 'alf.
There might be bits and pieces he needs. A mountain bike,
or a stereo for his bedroom, sports jerkin.
Maybe we'll go on 'oliday, just me and 'im. That'd be nice.
- What if you don't find 'im? - Well, I will find 'im, Chris.
- Calm down, man. You're driving like a dickhead! - Well, it takes one to know one.
How do you feel now, having what you said reversed upon you so cruelly?
Stop the fucking car!
- (BUzzING) - Vot are you brandishing? I need an answer!
You two, stop itching your arses!
Stop the car, Roy! You're gonna kill us all.
(BUMP)
(FARTING SOUND )
(ROY) Doughnut.
They've still not caught the bloke who did that shooting. Terrible business.
Pat, there's something I gotta tell you.
I was up early trying to get the house warmed up for the wife, you know.
I looks out the window and sees the postman crouching on the driveway.
I thought, ''He's dropped an earring.''
Anyway, I look at his anus, and this great big shit was coming out of it.
It dropped on the shingle that abuts the lawn,
so I knocks on the window. I went, '''Ey, not there, man, round the back!''
But it was too late.
He made this half-cocked attempt to cover the brute with the gravel, then he ran off.
Thing is, though...why my property?
Why my driveway? Eh? Makes you wonder, doesn't it?
He's a government employee, isn't he?
Could have been housing a transmitter. You doing a ploughman's today, Pat?
- Spatchcock. - Oh, bollocks. Not spatchcock again, man.
Well, it's not my bloody fault! What an irresponsible place to put a gate!
- Let me out! - Both of you, shut it!
Get a move on, man, or we'll be miles away!
- (HORN HONKS) - (TYRES SQUEAL)
My God!
(CARL) Now, subject to yous two's approval, this is how we should proceed.
We're gonna dump that car there because it's become what I believe is called ''hot''.
Now, Mark, 'ow far's that garden centre that Dan the Shellfish Man said me son worked at?
What, Riley's? Oh, it's a few mile up the road towards Catterick.
You say ''garden centre'' but it's much more than that.
You get pets, wicker shit, fragrant candles,
and some very cheap hardback books, mostly about military history.
Thanks for the information, Mark. Right, so we walk to Riley's,
I'll ask about me son, then we'll telephone a taxi from there. All right?
You're quiet, Chris. What you thinking about?
Mandarins.
Not the oranges. The actual people.
- You OK? - (SNAPS) Yes.
(LIGHTLY) Think so.
Is this your vehicle, sir?
- No, it's mine, officer. - I'm Roy Oates, manager of the Mermade Hotel.
Webster, this is not the same guy who claimed he was the hotel manager yesterday, is it?
No, sir, it's the other one.
I thought so.
OK, get the driver's details and run a vehicle check.
- Sir. - Sir, could I take a word with you over here?
We met yesterday and you said you were the manager of the Mermade Hotel.
No way, man, you're mistaken.
Who are you, my friend? What have you got to hide?
I am the American Eagle. There is no nook nor cranny I cannot penetrate.
This gentleman is Roy Oates. He manages the Mermade Hotel.
- The car's in his name, registered at the hotel. - How interesting.
We should get a little ID here,
don't you think?
Come on, we'd better get going.
Come on, Chris.
(SHOUTS)
Tess, what are you doing 'ere?
I've left Roy.
He's just down the road with some coppers and some nutter.
They're looking for you lot. We've gotta get away from here.
Calm down, Tess! Just calm down!
No.
- (GUNSHOT) - (BIRDS FLUTTER)
- Get out, please. - No, thanks, I've got a headache in my leg.
Get out!
Fuckers! I'll take the car now, thanks.
By the way, you did that.
Oh, bloody 'ell!
Tess! Tess?
Where could she be?
Tess! Where are you?!
- Put your foot down! - I am, Chris.
- Put your foot down! - Chris, calm down. It's not helping, you know!
(SHRIEKS) Oh! Oh!
Pack it in! You're just like me mam and dad!
Right, you lot, stop it now! Behave yourselves!
If you can't behave yourselves, you can all get out the car, all right?
Just stop it!
- That's better. I'm surprised at you, Mark. - Sorry, Carl.
(CARL) Come on, let's go.
(GROANS)
Shit.
Webster.
Oh, bloody 'ell.
It was not me. I did not shoot him. It was that crazy shit!
- I deplore you, believe me! - OK, calm down.
Lay the piece on the ground.
Piss on the ground! Piss on the ground! Piss on the ground!
What you doing?
(ENGINE GRINDS AND SPUTTERS)
(GROANS) Oh, excuse me, sir.
Webster.
Webster, is that really you?
- Yes, it is, sir. - Is this the creep who shot you?
No, it isn't, sir. I'm...
- I'm sorry, sir. - No need to apologise, Webster.
Who was it?
Ah, the other guy.
Goodbye, sir. I hope the note is of use to the...
Er...
- Oh, what's the word? - The search?
- No, it's... Well, it's like a search, but it's... - A quest?
Well, it is like a quest, but it's not as fantastical. It's...more forensic.
- The investigation. - Investigation, that's it.
- (GROANS AND EXHALES) - Webster.
No!
(Webster.)
My dear Webster.
In the two... or is it three... days that we worked together,
you've become more than a friend to me.
You're like family.
Jeez, we had some good times together.
Remember the time you tried to explain
the difference between an Isuzu Trooper and a Range Rover?
Boy, that was somethin'.
May God rest upon your soul.
Miss you.
# I'll be dreaming of you
# Dreaming that I kiss you when nights are long... #
Goodbye, my love.
♪ Miss you
♪ Since you went away, dear
♪ Miss you
♪ More than I can say, dear
♪ In daytime, night time, nothing I do
♪ Can make me forget
♪ That I still love you
♪ kiss you
♪ In my dreams, I kiss you
♪ Whisperin '
♪ ''Darling, how I miss you''
♪ Tell me
♪ Do you ever miss me
♪ As I miss you? ♪
What did I tell you? Bargain books! Yes! Meet you in the cafe.
Yeah, Catterick Garrison.
40 minutes is fine, yeah, thank you. Cheers.
You left your bag, so here it is.
I'm not bothered, like.
Thanks, Chris. You didn't look inside a lady's bag now, did you?
No. My life's complicated enough as it is.
I'll go and get a cup of tea. (WHEEzES AND GIGGLES)
Carl!
- Now I've got money, can I look at marginals? - Do what you want. What are marginals?
Plants that grow around the boggy fringes of ponds.
- Right. You 'aven't got a pond, though, Chris. - I know!
I always said if I win ''Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'' I'd get a pond.
- What kind of pond are you gonna get? - I dunno. I'll get a big 'un.
I'll get a lake.
An oxbow lake.
You can't buy one of them in a garden centre, though.
Well, what's that over there, then?
I'll meet you in the caff, Chris. Cab'll be about 40 minutes.
- You got a cellphone? - I have, but it's in me Rolls-Royce.
In the glove department next to the herrings.
Shit! Shit! Shitty shitty bang bang!
Hmmm.
Next to the herrings, you say. A tasty and much-neglected fish.
Yeah. They are quite tricky to fillet, but it's never put me off.
- What do you do? Pop 'em under the grill? - Yeah, for about three minutes. Turning once.
- Turning once, you say? - Hm.
- So you've left him for good this time? - Yeah. Yeah, I reckon.
You know, I don't know what a beautiful woman like you was doing with a fella like him.
When I first met him, you know, he was lovely.
We had some good times.
- He took me shopping... - (TINKLY MUSIC)
..taught me how to play the trumpet.
He showed me how to climb trees.
He even introduced me to a barrister.
- Wow. - You know, they were really, really good times.
- Have a little bit of your gas if it helps, Tess. - Thanks, yeah.
(GASPS)
So what went wrong, then?
Well, he had this terrible accident, and it changed him.
He became a bully.
We... I mean, we stopped having sex and he got possessive.
I couldn't even leave the hotel without his permission.
- You know what he was like, Mark. - Oh, yeah, all of them things.
Except he never stopped having sex with me.
- Just joking. - Oh, right.
Tess means everything to me. I could not live without her.
If he has hurt her... (GROWLS)
What are you gonna do, Tess?
I've got a little place of my own nearby. I'll lie low there.
Oh, right. Well, that's nice, then. Yeah.
Oh, er...yeah, I just...
I think I'll, erm...go and have another look at those bargain books.
Yeah.
There's something I wanted to say to you. The thing is, I really like you,
and I was wondering if you would like to come with me
to maybe to a village, or perhaps to a town, even.
You know, the two of us together.
It's tough, I know.
I remember once I had profound feelings for a beautiful black lady.
An Australian.
An Abo...
..rigine. And boy, was she hot!
Cecilia was her name.
Well, I like you too.
Some of the things you say are quite good.
Your suggestion of going to a town or a village is a particularly good one.
But it's a bad time for me. I mean, you know I've...I've just packed one bloke in.
I think I just need some time to get my head straight.
- Of course, no worries. I understand, yeah. - Yeah.
We made love in a number of locations I had personally cordoned off.
I screwed her a lot and with great vigour. Boy, I sure miss her.
Well...you know, I should probably get going.
Right.
Erm...it's been a real pleasure meeting you.
It was a pleasure meeting you, Tess, it really was.
- Er...hope you find your son. - Thank you.
- Bye-bye. - Yeah, bye.
I will have your lady returned to your loving arms before any harm can come to her.
You have my sweet guarantee, my friend.
Thank you. I hope your word is good and she is soon returned to my hungry arms.
But, friend, there is something else of equal importance
that has also been taken from me by those criminals!
If I do not retrieve this precious item,
I fear there is no future for me and Tess.
What is this precious item?
My penis. In a jar.
My God!
♪ Miss you
♪ Darling, how I miss you
♪ Tell me
♪ Do you ever miss me
♪ As I miss you? ♪