1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:00:01,327 --> 00:00:02,885 My name is Carl Palmer. 2 00:00:03,047 --> 00:00:07,882 I've returned home to find the son I abandoned in Catterick when he was just four years old. 3 00:00:08,047 --> 00:00:10,003 This is the story of that search. 4 00:00:10,167 --> 00:00:14,399 I hope you're still enjoying the car. And by the way, if you've touched my money... 5 00:00:14,567 --> 00:00:16,523 - Oh! - ..you're dead. 6 00:00:16,687 --> 00:00:21,602 - Stop staring at that thing in the safe! - (ROY) That thing is our futureI 7 00:00:21,767 --> 00:00:25,157 - Oh, shit, man, look. They've done your safe. - They've taken everything! 8 00:00:25,327 --> 00:00:29,718 - I really like you. - I like you too. It's a bad time for me. 9 00:00:29,887 --> 00:00:32,845 I've got a little place of my own. I'll lie low there. 10 00:00:33,007 --> 00:00:36,238 - I hope you find your son. - What is this precious item? 11 00:00:36,407 --> 00:00:38,443 My penis in a jar. 12 00:00:38,607 --> 00:00:39,960 My God! 13 00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:03,845 If no one 'ere knows the whereabouts of Carl's son, where we gonna go now? 14 00:01:04,007 --> 00:01:08,478 I dunno. Carl's gonna have to face up to it and see his ex-wife Judy. 15 00:01:08,647 --> 00:01:12,640 I dunno why he didn't do it in the first place. He lacks backbone. 16 00:01:12,807 --> 00:01:17,642 - Is he frightened of her? - Frightened isn't the word. Grease is the word. 17 00:01:17,807 --> 00:01:19,320 Is the word. 18 00:01:19,487 --> 00:01:21,125 Is the word. 19 00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:27,645 Now, can we be quiet for a bit so I can concentrate on picking me sweets? 20 00:01:42,807 --> 00:01:44,445 Who am I? 21 00:01:46,007 --> 00:01:49,283 - (TOY) How you doin '? - All right. Aye, not bad. 22 00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:52,439 - All right, Ian? - All right, Carl? What brings you here, then? 23 00:01:52,607 --> 00:01:54,723 I'm here to ask about me son, Paul. 24 00:01:54,887 --> 00:01:58,880 Apparently he used to work here. What about you? 25 00:01:59,047 --> 00:02:03,996 Oh, I'm after one of them outdoor heated lamps, you know, try and keep the wife warm. 26 00:02:04,167 --> 00:02:07,125 I've never known her so cold. She is like an icicle. 27 00:02:07,287 --> 00:02:09,676 Actually, Carl, I've got something to tell you. 28 00:02:09,847 --> 00:02:13,442 I went down the clinic this morning to get me sperm count checked. 29 00:02:13,607 --> 00:02:18,237 I like to keep it low, you see, round about 12, 14% active, you know. 30 00:02:18,407 --> 00:02:22,116 I feel good round about that level. Anyway, thing is, as I'm leaving, 31 00:02:22,287 --> 00:02:28,203 I notice an unmarked refrigerated Escort van pulling away from the rear of the clinic, right? 32 00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:32,724 And he pulls into that newly-cobbled area that belongs to the insurance company. 33 00:02:32,887 --> 00:02:37,677 I think they're taking my samples away and exploiting them commercially, you know. 34 00:02:37,847 --> 00:02:41,396 For example, to feed GM produce, or to make fertilisers, 35 00:02:41,567 --> 00:02:44,479 or perhaps in my case, weedkiller. 36 00:02:44,647 --> 00:02:49,516 And of course, all this is without my consent. So I've come down here today to investigate. 37 00:02:49,687 --> 00:02:54,602 Check on the odd sunflower, make sure it's not taking on my complexion or my demeanour. 38 00:02:54,767 --> 00:02:56,678 This is pretty suspicious stuff. 39 00:02:56,847 --> 00:03:00,283 Then of course, you realise, all the time I'm here investigating, 40 00:03:00,447 --> 00:03:04,804 my wife's sitting at home there just getting colder and colder. 41 00:03:04,967 --> 00:03:10,087 - Ian, why don't you get her seen by a doctor? - No, no, no, there's no need, man. 42 00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:13,478 No, it's just a matter of keeping her warm, man. 43 00:03:15,447 --> 00:03:18,962 Right, I've gotta get going. I'll see you around, yeah? 44 00:03:21,927 --> 00:03:24,646 (PANTING) 45 00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:29,477 (FOWLER) So, how exactly did you lose your, erm..? 46 00:03:30,887 --> 00:03:37,520 It got cut off when I was poking it around in cash till, trying to dislodge pound note. 47 00:03:37,687 --> 00:03:43,080 I had it preserved and was hoping to travel to Svitzerland for big operation, sew it back on. 48 00:03:43,247 --> 00:03:48,446 But, well, they have taken all my savings and the private member itself. 49 00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,477 Say, I was just admiring your slacks. 50 00:03:56,247 --> 00:03:58,477 Cotton-synthetic mix. Very nice. 51 00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:05,117 - Can get a little sweaty around the, er... - Yes, I still have my balls, thank you. 52 00:04:12,447 --> 00:04:15,007 - (PANTING) - (GASPS) 53 00:04:28,047 --> 00:04:30,959 Sorry, I had to nip out. What can I get you? 54 00:04:31,127 --> 00:04:34,563 Erm...I'll have three teas, please, and three rounds of toast. 55 00:04:34,727 --> 00:04:37,525 Course, kid. How you keeping? 56 00:04:37,687 --> 00:04:40,121 - Fine, thank you. Yourself? - Oh, don't ask. 57 00:04:40,287 --> 00:04:42,960 I'm bad today. Really sick. 58 00:04:43,127 --> 00:04:46,358 - So very, very poorly. - Oh, dear. 59 00:04:46,527 --> 00:04:48,483 How long have you worked here, mate? 60 00:04:48,647 --> 00:04:51,957 Five years, on and off. When me 'ealth permits. 61 00:04:52,127 --> 00:04:54,243 Maybe you could help me. 62 00:04:54,407 --> 00:04:57,922 It's just I've been abroad and I've lost track of me son. 63 00:04:58,087 --> 00:05:02,160 Last I heard, he was living at Catterick Garrison with me ex-wife Judy Palmer. 64 00:05:02,327 --> 00:05:05,364 And I did hear that he worked here at Riley's. 65 00:05:05,527 --> 00:05:09,406 Judy's son. Nice boy. Enjoyed very good health. 66 00:05:09,567 --> 00:05:15,039 Sometimes he'd pop to the chemist for my repeat prescriptions. You'd be proud of him. 67 00:05:15,207 --> 00:05:20,361 Worked outside with the conifers, mostly. He's not been here for about a year or so. 68 00:05:20,527 --> 00:05:25,920 - Say hello from me. He's a good kid. - Yeah, I will. I will. That's brilliant. 69 00:05:26,087 --> 00:05:31,400 - Do you know where he's living now? - Far as I know, he was going to college to study. 70 00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:34,400 Still living with his mum when he worked 'ere. 71 00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:37,035 College, eh? Wow! 72 00:05:42,487 --> 00:05:44,318 (GASPS) 73 00:05:48,327 --> 00:05:50,204 (GASPS AND WHIMPERS) 74 00:05:53,207 --> 00:05:56,722 You've been really helpful, thank you. Sorry about your health. 75 00:05:56,887 --> 00:05:59,447 Oh, you know, I don't like to complain. 76 00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:05,043 To be honest, it's me niece that's the real worry. She's in 'ospital as we speak. 77 00:06:05,207 --> 00:06:09,246 We're trying to raise money to send her to Disneyland in America to cure her. 78 00:06:09,407 --> 00:06:11,557 It's her only hope. 79 00:06:11,727 --> 00:06:15,686 We need five grand to send her to Walt Disney. 80 00:06:15,847 --> 00:06:19,044 Oh, sorry, I...I've got a tear in me eye. 81 00:06:19,207 --> 00:06:22,756 W...would it not be cheaper to send her to EuroDisney? 82 00:06:22,927 --> 00:06:25,236 No. They don't do cures there. 83 00:06:25,407 --> 00:06:28,160 No. No, I don't suppose they do. 84 00:06:28,327 --> 00:06:30,158 (PANTING) 85 00:06:39,687 --> 00:06:43,760 Oh, my beautiful sick daughter. It's just too much to bear. 86 00:06:43,927 --> 00:06:47,158 I...I'm sorry, is it your niece or your daughter that's ill? 87 00:06:48,767 --> 00:06:52,646 Did I say niece? I think of her as a daughter. 88 00:06:52,807 --> 00:06:54,638 Anyway, that's ?2.40, please, 89 00:06:54,807 --> 00:06:59,676 and anything you can give me to send my lovely little boy to Disneyland...in America. 90 00:06:59,847 --> 00:07:02,122 Your lovely little boy? 91 00:07:02,287 --> 00:07:05,677 So is it your son or your niece or your daughter that's...? 92 00:07:05,847 --> 00:07:08,520 It's all of 'em. It runs in the family. 93 00:07:08,687 --> 00:07:11,759 All of 'em? Good God. 94 00:07:11,927 --> 00:07:14,885 Well, look, you can take all that. You've been very helpful. 95 00:07:15,047 --> 00:07:19,279 Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. Such a kind soul, sir. Thank you so much. 96 00:07:19,447 --> 00:07:20,926 Pleasure. 97 00:07:25,727 --> 00:07:28,480 I'm sorry, mate, what did you say the illness was? 98 00:07:28,647 --> 00:07:30,638 Chest wheezles. 99 00:07:30,807 --> 00:07:32,604 (MOUTHS) 100 00:07:46,127 --> 00:07:49,437 Have either of you two heard of chest wheezles? 101 00:07:49,607 --> 00:07:53,964 - I think he plays for Man United. - Thanks (!) What about you, Mark? 102 00:07:54,127 --> 00:07:57,244 I thought he played for Portsmouth. 103 00:07:57,407 --> 00:08:01,878 Hi, lads. Nice cup of tea? Not get me one? Not trying to avoid me, are you? 104 00:08:02,047 --> 00:08:05,960 I might buy one of these. Sharp, aren't they? Take your 'ead off, that. 105 00:08:06,127 --> 00:08:10,006 Specially if you slipped on some lubricant or butter substitute. 106 00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:13,796 I slipped recently on a ladies' hairdressing magazine. Funny way to slip. 107 00:08:13,967 --> 00:08:16,925 Funnier than slipping on a banana. What do you think, cowboy? 108 00:08:17,087 --> 00:08:18,440 Banana. 109 00:08:18,607 --> 00:08:20,484 Banana. 110 00:08:20,647 --> 00:08:22,126 Nana. 111 00:08:22,287 --> 00:08:24,755 - Banana. - Bananas. 112 00:08:26,287 --> 00:08:28,642 - Banana! - I know! 113 00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:30,957 Well, it is a classic slip. 114 00:08:31,127 --> 00:08:35,279 Anyway, lads, before anyone slips, just tell me, where is my money?! 115 00:08:35,447 --> 00:08:37,517 (COCKS GUN) 116 00:08:38,887 --> 00:08:42,084 And where is my private property? 117 00:08:42,247 --> 00:08:45,683 - And where's my Tess? - She's left. 118 00:08:45,847 --> 00:08:50,204 - Where's she gone? Is she safe? - She's fine, but she don't want to see you. 119 00:08:50,367 --> 00:08:54,918 - What do you mean? Where is she?! - Excuse me, I'm in charge here. 120 00:08:56,047 --> 00:08:59,198 And where is the stuff you stole from my safe? 121 00:08:59,367 --> 00:09:01,005 - They've got it. - Excuse me. 122 00:09:01,167 --> 00:09:04,603 - Tess took that. - What? Where did she take it? 123 00:09:04,767 --> 00:09:08,237 Excuse me, I am the police officer here, thank you. 124 00:09:08,407 --> 00:09:13,401 May I inform you that you are all under arrest? Your story, my friends, will end, 125 00:09:13,567 --> 00:09:17,082 with you chained to the wall of one of your English dungeons. 126 00:09:17,247 --> 00:09:19,397 Deprived of life's essentials 127 00:09:19,567 --> 00:09:23,845 like wine, water, women, wieners and ''The Jay Leno Show''. 128 00:09:25,887 --> 00:09:27,559 (SCREAMS) 129 00:09:28,407 --> 00:09:29,760 (GUNSHOT) 130 00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:43,199 (RINGS) 131 00:09:48,647 --> 00:09:51,366 - Hello? - Oh, Tony, where have you been? 132 00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:54,963 I'm sorry, I passed by the pop-in centre on my way home 133 00:09:55,127 --> 00:10:00,076 and they asked me if I could, erm...help with a frieze they're making on the back wall 134 00:10:00,247 --> 00:10:04,286 using, erm...tin foil and...crepe paper. 135 00:10:04,447 --> 00:10:08,645 It's about the history of flight. I'm working on Concorde 'cause I'm the youngest. 136 00:10:08,807 --> 00:10:13,835 - I'll be back for tea, though. - Oh, good! It's herrings tonight! 137 00:10:14,007 --> 00:10:16,043 No, it's OK, I'll have the macaroni. 138 00:10:16,207 --> 00:10:20,758 - Don't be daft. I give that to the rabbits. - All right, Mum, I'd better go. Bye. 139 00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:30,685 Right, lads, do exactly what I say. You've got to trust me on this. 140 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,839 Chris, go and fetch me a plant pot. 141 00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:41,323 Plant pot. Check. Over. 142 00:10:41,487 --> 00:10:46,277 Mark, I want you to get me some weedkiller, some slug pellets and some compost. 143 00:10:46,447 --> 00:10:48,597 - Right, off you go. - OK. 144 00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:54,520 (MUSIC: SPOOF COP SHOW THEME) 145 00:11:09,567 --> 00:11:10,920 (GUNSHOTS) 146 00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:21,680 What size pot? 147 00:11:21,847 --> 00:11:23,838 - Just a small one, Chris. - Two-inch? 148 00:11:24,007 --> 00:11:25,998 No, bigger than that. 149 00:11:27,127 --> 00:11:29,925 - Four-inch? - Four-inch is fine. That's a bigger pot! 150 00:11:30,087 --> 00:11:32,078 I know! 151 00:11:39,687 --> 00:11:41,120 (GUNSHOTS) 152 00:11:46,847 --> 00:11:48,838 (WHIMPERS) 153 00:12:00,127 --> 00:12:02,197 Aargh! Come on! 154 00:12:12,247 --> 00:12:13,805 (WHIMPERS) 155 00:12:13,967 --> 00:12:16,435 One thousand, two thousand, three thousand. 156 00:12:21,807 --> 00:12:23,684 Right, there's the compost, 157 00:12:23,847 --> 00:12:25,599 there's the slug thingies. 158 00:12:25,767 --> 00:12:28,361 I got Pathbust, which is in a powder form, 159 00:12:28,527 --> 00:12:31,917 and Weeds Away, a fft-fft, so it's up to you. 160 00:12:32,087 --> 00:12:33,600 I'll take the Pathbust, Mark. 161 00:12:33,767 --> 00:12:37,157 - Sure you don't want the fft-ftt? - No, the Pathbust's fine. 162 00:12:37,327 --> 00:12:39,443 - I'll take the fft-fft back. - Good boy. 163 00:12:39,607 --> 00:12:42,519 - Goodbye. - No, good boy. 164 00:12:42,687 --> 00:12:44,279 Goodboye. 165 00:12:53,207 --> 00:12:54,845 Thank you, Chris. 166 00:12:55,927 --> 00:12:59,078 Right, come on, remember. Remember. 167 00:12:59,247 --> 00:13:01,397 It's 200g of slug pellets. 168 00:13:04,567 --> 00:13:07,604 Three kapok, chewed and distressed. 169 00:13:13,447 --> 00:13:15,119 (SIGHS) 170 00:13:32,647 --> 00:13:35,798 (SNIFFS) Fanny Fresh! 171 00:13:35,967 --> 00:13:38,162 - Come to me! - (SCREAMS) 172 00:13:38,327 --> 00:13:40,443 Weedkiller. 173 00:13:40,607 --> 00:13:42,359 200g. 174 00:13:44,647 --> 00:13:46,922 Two scoops of compost. 175 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,277 This is the clever bit. 176 00:14:04,207 --> 00:14:05,526 Get up! 177 00:14:05,687 --> 00:14:07,643 Get up, you shits. 178 00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:09,843 This is it. You're dead. 179 00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:19,086 What the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be a bomb? 180 00:14:19,247 --> 00:14:21,681 Learn it in the army, did you? 181 00:14:21,847 --> 00:14:24,725 No, I...I saw it on ''The A-Team''. 182 00:14:28,807 --> 00:14:30,638 (GUNSHOTS) 183 00:14:37,407 --> 00:14:39,557 Jesus, man, Ian, thanks. 184 00:14:39,727 --> 00:14:43,720 - Yeah, erm...thanks, mate. - I thought we were dead men then. 185 00:14:43,887 --> 00:14:47,277 Oh, you're all right, lads. I watched this whole episode develop 186 00:14:47,447 --> 00:14:49,881 from over there near the tropical fish. 187 00:14:50,047 --> 00:14:53,244 At first, I thought it was an episode of ''The Beadle's About'', 188 00:14:53,407 --> 00:14:55,637 but when the Beadle himself didn't appear, 189 00:14:55,807 --> 00:15:00,676 after the second shooting, I thought, ''This is probably a real-life situation.'' 190 00:15:00,847 --> 00:15:03,441 It's real enough. This bloke's trying to kill us. 191 00:15:03,607 --> 00:15:06,565 - We'd better get off. - I realised I recognised him. 192 00:15:06,727 --> 00:15:08,843 He attacked me in the pub. 193 00:15:09,007 --> 00:15:13,762 Now, that's strange, isn't it? That I encounter this assassin on the very day 194 00:15:13,927 --> 00:15:16,964 that my sperm count is slightly higher th... 195 00:15:19,047 --> 00:15:20,605 I know! 196 00:15:36,127 --> 00:15:39,483 - What are you doing? - What I should have done 20 years ago. 197 00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:43,720 I'm driving down the middle of a river. There's safety in a river. 198 00:15:43,887 --> 00:15:46,685 No tracks, no prying eyes, no worries. 199 00:15:46,847 --> 00:15:49,202 - Here we go! - (ALL SCREAM) 200 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,684 - (QUACKING) - I think I just ran over a trout. 201 00:15:59,447 --> 00:16:02,996 - What are you doing in my house? - Give me your Fanny Fresh. 202 00:16:03,167 --> 00:16:04,839 I don't know where it is! 203 00:16:05,007 --> 00:16:06,838 - Oh. - I don't! 204 00:16:07,007 --> 00:16:09,157 - No! - Oh, please! 205 00:16:09,327 --> 00:16:13,366 Somebody somewhere's got to believe me! 206 00:16:13,527 --> 00:16:14,926 HEY! 207 00:16:16,287 --> 00:16:20,838 (MACHO AND ECHOING) Get your nose avay from my woman's prat. 208 00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:29,723 (TESS) Shit! 209 00:16:29,887 --> 00:16:32,321 How old are you?! How old are you? 210 00:16:32,487 --> 00:16:34,762 How old are you? Tell me! 211 00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:37,441 How old are you? Tell me! 212 00:16:37,607 --> 00:16:41,998 - How did you lose your hand? - I'll tell you if you say how old you are. 213 00:16:42,167 --> 00:16:45,159 - I'm 52. - I... Really? 214 00:16:45,327 --> 00:16:47,761 You don't look it. You look mid-forties. 215 00:16:47,927 --> 00:16:50,600 Thanks. So how did you lose your hand? 216 00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:53,565 I'll tell you. It was bitten off by a lamb. 217 00:16:53,727 --> 00:16:55,922 - Huh? - OK, Mr so-called 52-year-old, 218 00:16:56,087 --> 00:16:57,998 I'm 47, what's the big deal? 219 00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:02,763 If you want to reach 53 before your next birthday, you'd better get out of here 220 00:17:02,927 --> 00:17:07,478 and never cast a shadow over my girlfriend's bush again! 221 00:17:07,647 --> 00:17:09,558 Now go! 222 00:17:13,327 --> 00:17:17,559 (CHANTING) You're only 47! You're only 47! 223 00:17:18,527 --> 00:17:20,643 (HARP MUSIC) 224 00:17:21,967 --> 00:17:26,040 (CHRIS, ECHOING) The bank of the river's a great place. 225 00:17:26,207 --> 00:17:28,801 A feature of this stretch between 'ere and Catterick 226 00:17:28,967 --> 00:17:33,324 is the marvellous variety of marginal grasses such as bulrushes and reeds 227 00:17:33,487 --> 00:17:38,880 providing a friendly environment for small birds and mammals such as reed warblers, bank voles, 228 00:17:39,047 --> 00:17:41,561 and if you're very lucky, the occasional otter. 229 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:43,957 Chris, is the otter an indigenous species? 230 00:17:44,127 --> 00:17:47,836 Yes, Carl, it is indigenous, and it's protected under the Wildlife Act. 231 00:17:48,007 --> 00:17:49,804 Oh, yeah, rock on, Parliament. 232 00:17:49,967 --> 00:17:51,923 You got that right, Mark. 233 00:17:52,087 --> 00:17:54,885 (CARL) And what about, er...the bank over there? 234 00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:03,880 Tess! 235 00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:05,844 Tess, my love! 236 00:18:06,007 --> 00:18:07,963 It is safe now. 237 00:18:08,967 --> 00:18:10,764 Let me in, my darling! 238 00:18:12,727 --> 00:18:14,957 OPEN THIS DOOR, YOU BITCH! 239 00:18:19,527 --> 00:18:23,236 - (GASPS) - Hello, Tess. Where are you going? 240 00:18:32,047 --> 00:18:33,526 Vere's the jar? 241 00:18:33,687 --> 00:18:36,599 Vere is the jar? VERE IS THE JAR, TESS? 242 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:40,726 - What do you mean? - This is what was stolen from the safe. 243 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,684 The jar should be in it! 244 00:18:42,847 --> 00:18:44,724 Oh my God, think. Vere is it? 245 00:18:44,887 --> 00:18:47,242 Vere is my prong jar? 246 00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:52,083 Oh, my... 247 00:18:52,247 --> 00:18:55,159 I am overvelmed with nausea. 248 00:18:55,327 --> 00:18:57,716 Shit, Roy, what's 'appened to you? 249 00:18:57,887 --> 00:19:02,085 - Oh, my God, what's happened to your hand? - It is in this carrier bag. 250 00:19:02,247 --> 00:19:05,557 That madman severed it with a curved blade. 251 00:19:05,727 --> 00:19:07,399 A Bowie knife. 252 00:19:07,567 --> 00:19:11,116 Maybe felching. Something fucking Persian, anyway. 253 00:19:11,287 --> 00:19:13,278 You're twiddling my tits, i'nt yer? 254 00:19:13,447 --> 00:19:16,359 No, Tess, I wish I was. 255 00:19:16,527 --> 00:19:20,236 Oh, please help me! You were a nurse. What do I do? 256 00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:25,121 Oh, my God, what's all that blue stuff? 257 00:19:25,287 --> 00:19:29,519 Bilberry Polar Krush. I was hoping the ice would preserve the hand. 258 00:19:29,687 --> 00:19:32,247 OK, look, I'm gonna have to work really fast. 259 00:19:32,407 --> 00:19:35,717 I'll put the hand in my freezer, clean and suture the stump. 260 00:19:35,887 --> 00:19:37,764 - (SHRIEKS) - No, it's the only way. 261 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:39,883 An ambulance wouldn't get here in time. 262 00:19:40,047 --> 00:19:43,323 Help me, please! I need hand relief! 263 00:19:59,887 --> 00:20:01,525 Dickhead. 264 00:20:02,687 --> 00:20:04,678 Fucking chaffinch! 265 00:20:05,727 --> 00:20:08,764 Calm down, Roy, I'm sure your jar is safe. 266 00:20:08,927 --> 00:20:11,157 Nobody's interested in it apart from you. 267 00:20:11,327 --> 00:20:14,080 And you, Tess. 268 00:20:14,247 --> 00:20:18,604 It must still be in the Range Rover. It must have fallen out of the bag. 269 00:20:24,007 --> 00:20:26,202 Oh, I was so close! 270 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:30,406 Just a few more thousand pounds and the operation could have gone ahead! 271 00:20:30,567 --> 00:20:34,480 Come on, Roy, tell me the truth. How did you lose it? 272 00:20:34,647 --> 00:20:38,765 And don't tell me it was when you crashed your Ferrari in Sorrento. 273 00:20:38,927 --> 00:20:43,045 - It was struck by lightning when it was proud. - Yeah, right (!) 274 00:20:43,207 --> 00:20:47,837 But, my darling Tess, you will still love me whatever happens? 275 00:20:48,007 --> 00:20:53,604 You would never leave me over such a tiny little thing as this. Would you? 276 00:20:53,767 --> 00:20:58,363 Look, Roy, I know this isn't the ideal time, but there's something I've gotta tell you. 277 00:20:58,527 --> 00:21:01,439 - Oh, no. Oh, no, Tess. - This is gonna hurt. 278 00:21:01,607 --> 00:21:04,599 No! No! No... (SCREAM ECHOES) 279 00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:08,680 - What was that? - Sounded like something having a shit. 280 00:21:08,847 --> 00:21:10,678 I'm like that after parsnips. 281 00:21:10,847 --> 00:21:12,166 This is ridiculous. 282 00:21:12,327 --> 00:21:16,366 I just wanted to go ten miles up the road to find my son after 20 years. 283 00:21:16,527 --> 00:21:19,200 I'm freezing, I'm starving, 284 00:21:19,367 --> 00:21:23,201 there's a psychopath trying to kill us, and we're wanted by the police. 285 00:21:23,367 --> 00:21:28,077 - We have got ?50,000 worth of money. - Yeah, but you can't spend it if you're dead. 286 00:21:30,727 --> 00:21:34,037 Look, lads, we don't know how this is gonna end up, 287 00:21:34,207 --> 00:21:38,325 but I'd like to volunteer meself as the first person to be eaten. 288 00:21:39,247 --> 00:21:42,717 That's very kind, but I don't think it's quite come to that yet. 289 00:21:42,887 --> 00:21:45,162 Well, actually, er...Carl, 290 00:21:45,327 --> 00:21:47,557 I am feeling a bit peckish, like. 291 00:21:47,727 --> 00:21:50,878 Look, lads, before we commit ourselves to eating Chris, 292 00:21:51,047 --> 00:21:53,845 I'll see if I can find summat else to eat, 293 00:21:54,007 --> 00:21:58,842 and subject to your approval, like, I'm gonna find somewhere safe to hide this money. 294 00:22:01,167 --> 00:22:04,921 There's a caravan just up there. I'll meet you there in an hour. 295 00:22:05,087 --> 00:22:07,806 If I don't come back, just assume I'm dead, right? 296 00:22:07,967 --> 00:22:13,405 And if you find me son, tell 'im I love 'im, yeah? And tell him what happened. All right? 297 00:22:18,567 --> 00:22:20,637 What did 'appen? 298 00:22:30,407 --> 00:22:32,284 (HEAVY BREATHING) 299 00:22:48,807 --> 00:22:51,685 - Tess! - Carl! 300 00:22:53,007 --> 00:22:54,804 What are you doing 'ere? 301 00:22:54,967 --> 00:22:57,037 (HEAVY BREATHING) 302 00:23:00,447 --> 00:23:03,280 There's something living in 'ere. They're all stocked up. 303 00:23:03,447 --> 00:23:07,918 - Right, come on, let's go wait in the river. - No way! Th...they've got Swiss rolls. 304 00:23:08,087 --> 00:23:11,762 - What if someone catches us? - You're not listening to me properly. 305 00:23:11,927 --> 00:23:16,842 - They've got, er...Swiss rolls. - It's not worth it. Come on, let's get out of 'ere. 306 00:23:17,007 --> 00:23:19,999 And...fig rolls. 307 00:23:22,167 --> 00:23:24,362 All right, knickers, then. I'm in. 308 00:23:27,407 --> 00:23:28,886 Sorry. 309 00:23:29,047 --> 00:23:30,446 I'm sorry, Mummy. 310 00:23:30,607 --> 00:23:32,006 Yes, I'm sorry. 311 00:23:32,167 --> 00:23:39,005 I'm sorry, Mummy, er...but I'll be... I'll be a bit late home for tea tonight. 312 00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:42,125 I'm sorry, Mummy, I'll be a bit late home for tea. 313 00:23:42,287 --> 00:23:45,563 I...I got a flat tyre 314 00:23:45,727 --> 00:23:48,685 and I had to deal with it properly. 315 00:23:49,687 --> 00:23:54,636 I'm sorry, Mummy, I had a flat tyre and I had to deal with it! 316 00:23:54,807 --> 00:23:58,277 (WHISTLES) 317 00:23:58,447 --> 00:24:00,483 So are you two getting back together? 318 00:24:00,647 --> 00:24:03,366 No, no, I was just tending to his wounds. 319 00:24:03,527 --> 00:24:05,563 No, me and him are history. 320 00:24:07,927 --> 00:24:12,921 (MUSIC: THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH'S ''HOT ON THE HEELS OF HEARTBREAK'') 321 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:23,319 ♪ If you could pull yourself away from that mess 322 00:24:25,407 --> 00:24:29,844 ♪ Surely if you can pack a punch, then you can pack your dress 323 00:24:31,207 --> 00:24:34,483 ♪ 'Cause hot on the trail of self-pi'y is wilderness 324 00:24:37,007 --> 00:24:41,683 ♪ Like hot on the heels of heartbreak is happiness 325 00:24:42,767 --> 00:24:46,077 ♪ It's an upward struggle just to be yourself 326 00:24:46,247 --> 00:24:47,965 ♪ Be yourself 327 00:24:48,127 --> 00:24:51,881 ♪ And if I climb too hard I'll end up on the shelf 328 00:24:54,567 --> 00:24:58,480 ♪ When sorrys have been said and tears, tears are dry 329 00:25:00,367 --> 00:25:03,962 ♪ I'm still the easy route to easy ride 330 00:25:06,487 --> 00:25:10,036 ♪ If you could just have a good word wi' h yourself 331 00:25:12,207 --> 00:25:16,246 ♪ Convince yourself, you're you and no one else 332 00:25:18,047 --> 00:25:22,086 ♪ Restore your confidence and your pride 333 00:25:23,967 --> 00:25:29,644 ♪ A soldier don't need no one by their side 334 00:25:29,807 --> 00:25:32,605 ♪ It seems as though there's only me to blame 335 00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:34,166 ♪ You to blame 336 00:25:35,727 --> 00:25:39,163 ♪ Pushover must be my middle name 337 00:25:41,247 --> 00:25:45,206 #Just because you flush love down the drain 338 00:25:47,127 --> 00:25:50,915 ♪ Doesn't mean your li' tle heart can't be reclaimed 339 00:25:52,927 --> 00:25:56,761 ♪ Next time I choose to love, I'll take good aim 340 00:25:59,127 --> 00:26:02,563 ♪ Miss out on his sweet talk and his blame 341 00:26:04,607 --> 00:26:06,598 ♪ Then when I miss the target 342 00:26:06,767 --> 00:26:08,803 ♪ You can't complain 343 00:26:10,727 --> 00:26:14,356 ♪ It's only the sure shot actually feels the pain 344 00:26:16,527 --> 00:26:20,156 ♪ It's only the sure shot actually feels the pain 345 00:26:22,887 --> 00:26:25,481 ♪ It's only the sure shot 346 00:26:25,647 --> 00:26:30,163 ♪ Actually feels the pain ♪ 347 00:26:32,207 --> 00:26:34,323 Shit! I've gotta go, Tess. 348 00:26:34,487 --> 00:26:38,765 Look after that briefcase for me, will you? I'll be back as soon as I can. 349 00:26:38,927 --> 00:26:41,043 Don't be long. 350 00:26:41,207 --> 00:26:43,084 I'm gagging for it. 351 00:26:46,767 --> 00:26:48,359 (SIGHS) 352 00:26:51,687 --> 00:26:54,485 - Cheers, Chris. - I know. 353 00:26:57,087 --> 00:26:58,406 Whoa... 354 00:27:04,207 --> 00:27:06,357 Oh, yeah. 355 00:27:19,967 --> 00:27:23,596 God! Pickle my prat, look at all this money! 356 00:27:48,807 --> 00:27:53,562 # And whistle while you work... # Ooh! (MUTTERS) 357 00:27:57,487 --> 00:28:02,356 Ha! I always said these things could kill you. Never mind.