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My name is Carl Palmer.
I've returned home to find the son I abandoned in Catterick when he was just four years old.
This is the story of that search.
Where is my money?!
I'm gonna find somewhere safe to hide this money.
- (SCREAMS) - There's a caravan. Meet you there in an hour.
- (GUNSHOT) - Look after that briefcase for me, will you?
- God! - I just wanted to go ten miles up the road
to find my son after 20 years. This is ridiculous.
Star dive!
(SIzzLING)
What was that?
- D...did you hear something? - Yeah.
- What was it, then? - I dunno. I never 'eard anything.
That's not on fire, is it?
(SNARLS)
Hush, whisht, washt, whisht! Sounds like a dog.
- (CLATTERING) - (FOOTSTEPS ON ROOF)
The dog's climbing on the roof!
Clever dog. Good dog!
- Piss cans. - (THUD )
Dog's had a dump on the roof. Dirty dog!
What if it's the owner of the caravan?
No way, man, the owner'd never have a dump on his own caravan.
Unless the owner of the caravan...was a dog.
(CACKLES)
(HOWLS)
You're right, Chris. That's a dog, all right.
I know. I know! And what's more, you've eaten all his Swiss rolls.
I did, didn't I?
- (LIQUID SPLASHES) - It's 'aving a slash on the roof.
- Nasty dog. Naughty dog! - (SPLASHING CONTINUES)
Thirsty dog.
That smells like brandy.
It is brandy.
A dog that piddles brandy. We are rich beyond our wildest dreams!
Hush and wish and stop listening to that.
If it piddles brandy, maybe those two dumps it laid on the roof,
they might be, erm...
- Cigars. - Cigars.
Big, big, Havana cigars. Go and have a look, Chris.
Shit, it's fruit cake!
It shits fruit cake? Bingo!
No, it's that nutcase who wants his money and wants to kill us.
- Oh, no! - Bolt the door!
OK, thanks very much.
Got all that, thanks. Bye.
(AEROPLANE)
Why's he spreading brandy on the roof?
'Old on a minute, Chris.
Brandy is a highly flammable liqueur.
(He's gonna burn the caravan down.) End of life story.
Shit, man, my lighter's not working.
(HEAVYMETAL GUITAR)
(WHIMPERS THEN SCREAMS)
- (SCREAM ECHOES) - Shit. Tess.
(GASPS) I-it's a trout.
No. Shit. It's a perch.
And it's bloated.
The clever bastard.
Stand back.
(EXPLOSION)
(GASPS AND SCREAMS)
(SCREAM ECHOES)
(BOTH SHOUT)
What is it? I wanna kill it!
- No! - Wanna kill it!
- It's not worth it, Chris. - Hold me back!
-(FARTY BUzzING) - (BOTH YELL)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Right, hold that.
(FARTY BUzzING)
There goes the balloon I sent in to discourage 'em.
- (BALLOON BUzzING) - (PANTING)
(SCREAMS)
All right, this is it, you pigs!
I'm sick and I'm listening to you
because I am dirty! And I'm telling you there's real dirt outside!
And it's all my fault. House-proud, I am!
And this is Howard Peel! He's on the show.
This is all my fault! I'm talking to you about rapper!
There's only people here that know the creature! And it's my fault because I've got an empty car!
YOU FUCKERS!
Tess? Are you OK, Tess?
Florida. Oh, Tess, you cow!
The money. The money!
Looking for your briefcase? Don't bother. She took it.
My Tess took it.
Full of money, was it? She left my money.
Good girl, Tess.
This money is to pay for me to have personal operation
to restore for me my missing parts.
Jesus, he chopped you up bad, didn't he? Have you got the missing part?
Yes, it is preserved in Tess's icy box.
- If it was frozen quickly, it should be OK. - Yes, I know all that!
I've seen ''Holby City'', I listen to Jimmy Young, all that shit.
But if the tide is against me,
I fear I will be just one-arm bandit.
I'll phone an ambulance for you, mate. Think yourself lucky. The copper was shot.
It all started the other day at Neil's Wheels.
That poor guy's the proprietor, Neil.
Shot in the head by a scumball with a Beretta and relieved of 50,000 bucks.
Look at him now. Got the mind of a six-year-old,
but the sexual appetite of a 17-year-old.
Spends all day jerking off watching ''The Powerpuff Girls''.
Guy who shot him is the same guy who shot me.
Monstrous-looking guy with black teeth and black eyes.
And a black heart beating inside his chest.
My God!
Come on, mate, it'll be all right.
- You heard of Mickey Bell? - No, I haven't heard of Mickey Bell!
He's a bit of a legend. He's only got one arm. He's got loads of mates and he works.
Works for an estate agent's, puts up their ''for sale'' signs, you know?
He just runs up the pathway with the post in his good arm,
and then just rams it straight into the ground.
It's always straight and... It's a beautiful job, he does.
His good arm, it's strong as an ape's.
He can lift three or four kids and hold them there for ages and whistle for 'em.
Yeah, but I don't vant to lift up other people's children. I vant two arms.
Hey, mate, imagine if you had two arms, but on the same side.
No, I'm not going to imagine that!
I vant one arm on either side, like an aeroplane.
With one hand I can caress, and with the other I can point to things that need fetching.
Tess won't vant the attentions of a one-armed man.
Don't be too sure. Heard of Dave Lee?
No, I haven't! I suppose he's a legend, is he?
Yeah, he is, actually, especially with the women.
He gets loads of sex and he hasn't got any arms. He works at the model village.
They finished off his stumps with leather. There's little pouches in one side.
He puts little tools in. On the other side, there's a larger pouch
which they put the leaflets in for him to hand out to the visitors.
He got caught having sex behind the town hall.
But it's only 18 inches high so everybody saw him.
Yes, but I don't want to have sex behind miniature buildings!
Look, I am telling you, I want two arms so I can...have the clap,
two arms like Val Kilmer,
two hands so I can indicate to Tess that she is ten out of ten, not five.
Maybe I will never love again.
Course you will, mate. Have you heard of Foxy? Eric Fox?
No, I haven't heard of Eric fucking Fox!
- I suppose he's a fucking legend, too, is he? - He is.
He's only got one hand, right,
but he's just married the most beautiful girl in Hartlepool
and she won ?10,000 on the lottery.
Really? What, Vednesday or Saturday?
- Well, it was a Thunderball. - So, Saturday.
Saturday, yeah.
Anyway, she loves him despite the hand,
despite the fact he's HIV-positive, and doesn't mind that he's only got five fingers to...
SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
You don't understand! It is not just my arm. I have also lost my penis.
I had it preserved in a jar.
The money was supposed to pay for its reinstatement.
- Now it is lost. - Hold on. A cock in a jar.
I saw one earlier. It might be yours.
Where? Where? Tell me, where is it?
It was nearby. It was only about 20, 25 minutes ago.
- Come on, man, think! Come on, please! - The river just behind the woods.
(GLASS SMASHES)
That's i', yeah, I remember saying ''Oh, look, a cock in a jar. ''
Oh, joy. Now I will be complete.
You must take me to it now.
I'm sorry, mate, there's no point. Somebody stood on it and crushed it.
- Sorry. - (No.)
No. No!
No! It can't be true!
Wait! Maybe it was somebody else's missing cock in a jar.
Oh, no!
I am doomed!
No! No!
No penis.
There, I've given you a make-over. You look lovely.
- (GROWLS) - Go on, get 'im, Chris.
(LAUGHS)
I'm not a mistake to be Tipp-Exed out.
I'm a real human being with real thoughts, things I wanna do and say.
Y...you are a...a real human being, Chris.
A very...special human being.
At last I've found a true friend.
I like you as well, Mark.
You're the first friend I've 'ad for a long time.
Still, it's not over till the fat lady sings.
- No offence intended. - Oh, none taken.
- I know. - Ahh, isn't that lovely?
Now stand up and get on your boxes, you couple of fairies!
GET ON YOUR BOXES!
(MOBILE RINGS)
- Hello, Mum. - Hello, love, what you doing? What's that noise?
Oh, that's a...hedge trimmer. I'm helping a couple of old ladies at the centre.
Oh, you're such a good lad, Tony.
- I'd better get on. I've got dead-heading to do. - OK, love, I'll see you at teatime.
Now get on your boxes!
Not so fast, you...daft bastard.
Oh, look who it is! It's Don Johnson!
Oh, yeah, watch this then, you dickhead.
- Huh? - Wow!
(FAST CELTIC DANCE MUSIC)
Oh, here's daddy come to save his two little boys!
Shit!
Glad you could come! I'm gonna burn your face off now.
I hope you don't mind! (LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
Star dive!
Come on!
Wow!
- Come on, guys, let's get the hell out of here. - I know!
We'll be all right, you know. It was self-defence.
He was gonna kill us, wasn't he?
You saw what he did to that copper and them other people.
If the worst comes to the worst, I'll take the blame.
I might even end up a hero.
Right, we're 'ere for a reason, there's your son's house, so what are you waiting for?
Chris, I don't think I can do this.
It's not fair on 'im, you know?
Let's just leave it, yeah?
'Scuse me, Mark.
What's the matter with you, eh?
You can't back out now. You abandoned him, you abandoned me and our mam.
You never see anything through. Get your arse in gear and get over there!
I can't do it, Chris.
All right, then, I'll do it.
- Was the hand frozen immediately? - Yes, Doctor.
- How was it frozen? - In Polar Krush, Doctor.
- Good. What flavour? - Bilberry, Doctor.
Hold on a minute. Polar Krush don't do a bilberry flavour.
Well, maybe it was blueberry, doctor.
Well, which was it, woman? If there's a new flavour, I need to know!
Yes, Doctor.
Best of all was Detroit 1979
when I blew the lid off of Tony Felucci's hydraulic scam.
I had the bastard in the palm of my hands and I crushed him like a sparrow's skull.
Er...are you nervous about seeing your son, then?
Yeah, I am.
It's been 20 years, you know.
He might not remember me, never mind want to actually see me.
Ah, he'll recognise you, all right. 20 years is nowt.
I mean, er...some people on ''This Is Your Life'' haven't seen each other for 40 years.
They recognise each other all right.
Besides, you're a fairly striking-looking fella.
So what do you remember most about him?
Well, just his lovely little face, really, you know,
and, er...he had this really odd way of eating his soup.
- It's just daft, really. - Yeah.
Anyway, what about you, Mark? What are you gonna do?
Oh, well, the first thing I'll do is find somewhere to live.
I might put down my share of the money as a deposit on a flat.
Then hold a couple of grand back, maybe get meself a Y-reg Citroen Berlingo for deliveries.
- What sort of deliveries? - Well, it's a very versatile vehicle, the Berlingo.
Maybe floral deliveries, erm... birthday paraphernalia,
maybe do deliveries for a Christian bookshop. I haven't really thought about it yet.
Look, Mark, about the money.
Oh, no, listen, I shouldn't presume I'm gonna get a share.
No, Mark, it's not that.
You see, when I left you, I went into the woods, and I found Tess's cottage, like,
and I left the briefcase there for safe keeping, you know.
But when I went back, she'd booked some tickets to Florida
and...the briefcase was gone,
so I reckon that's probably the last we're gonna see of it, to be honest.
Oh, well, easy come, easy go.
- What a cow, eh? - Yeah, what a cow.
Shame, really, 'cause you really liked her, didn't you?
Yeah, I did.
- Yeah, I really did. - It'll be all right, Carl.
- Plenty... Plenty more pebbles on the beach. - Yeah.
Don't worry about it.
(DOORBELL)
Hello, Judy. I'm Chris Palmer, brother of your ex-husband Carl,
and I'm 'ere to ask permission for him to see his son at your earliest convenient occasion.
How's that grab yer?
Are these photos all of Paul?
Paul? Oh, Paul Anthony!
He's been called Tony since he were four.
He's grown up now, i'nt he?
Oh, he's a wonderful son.
Always does a lot of voluntary work. He's a very caring lad.
Chris?
Aye, aye, 'ere he comes, walking across the grass.
Have you, er...told him about the money?
No, I probably won't mention it, Mark. He'll have forgotten about it already.
Money's never meant much to 'im. He prefers his woodpeckers.
So come on, then, Chris, how did it go? Did you see him?
I'm afraid it's bad news, Carl.
You can't see him.
- He's gone. - What do you mean, ''he's gone'', Chris?
Oh, Carl, I don't know how to tell you.
He's not 'ere any more.
Oh, Carl, he's... he's...
- Yeah, he's what, Chris? Come on. - He's de...
- Chris? - He's...
Oh, come on, man, spit it out.
He's gone.
To Angola.
What's he gone to Angola for?
He's a big businessman. He's in the oil industry.
He hasn't been back here for five years.
He's doing really well.
Did she say when he's coming back next?
No.
What about an address? Has she got an address for him?
She said you can write a letter and she'll pass it on to the company, and that's it.
Oh, she'll pass it on to the company, yeah? And that's it.
Shame, isn't it?
Still, he can always write to 'im.
Maybe they could meet up one day if he decides to come back.
Yeah.
So what are you gonna do now, my new friend?
- Oh, well, now that the money's gone... - What money?
Oh, nothing. Erm... First thing I'm gonna do is find a place to live.
Why don't you come and live with us at our mam's house? It's a super place.
- Will that be all right? - Yeah.
What about Carl?
- Carl'll do as he's told. - Get in!
- All right, lads? - It's Ian! Have you got a new car, then?
No, no, no, I've just come back from me wife's funeral.
Uh?
D'you want a lift anywhere? I'm going to Northallerton.
Yeah, you can take me down the pub.
'Ow do you do? I'm Mark.
Erm...I'm sorry to hear about your wife. Was... was it sudden?
Well, the medics have been trying to tell me she's been dead for nine month,
but I don't think that's right.
I mean, yes, she was very cold, yes, she was very quiet,
but come on, I would know if me wife was dead better than anybody, wouldn't I?
Truth is, she's always been cold ever since I met her,
you know, both sexually and in the kitchen.
But to answer your question, yes, it was very sudden. Came as a great shock.
When I last left the house, I'd put her in the hot water tank to warm her through.
I'd also filled her with cavity wall insulation foam using a bicycle pump up her arse.
I mean, she should've been as warm as toast.
But when I got home, she'd just bloated up to the shape of the cylinder tank and become brittle.
D'you know? I think it was the bumpy ride in the ambulance to the hospital that killed her.
But will I get an apology from the Highways Department
or a promise to reduce the number of speed bumps?
No, no, no, no, I very much doubt it.
Are you and your mate coming in for one, Ian?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, no, no, no, no. - Oh, right.
Right. I'm sorry, Ian, yeah?
(CARL) And there the story ends.
Well, at least, that's what I thought.
Until two weeks later, we all met up again at the pub.
♪ If I had something
♪ That I could shout about
♪ I would shout i' out the window
#Just to let you know
♪ If I had one song
♪ That you could sing along
♪ I would sing i' on your radio
#Just to let you know
♪ But I don't have a thing
♪ And I don't have a song
♪ I only have these words to say
♪ I don't know
♪ What the world is for
♪ If i' isn't for making love
♪ And I don't know what the world is for
♪ If i' isn't
♪ For making love, love, love, love
♪ Love, love
♪ If I had one light
♪ I could shine on you
♪ I would shine i' on your very soul
#Just to see you through
♪ Though I don't have a light
♪ I do have a soul
♪ Only my soul... ♪
That's your lot. Television's going back on now.