How about a beer, chief?
How about an ID?
An ID?
That's very flattering.
Wait till I tell the missus.
Military ID.
"First Sergeant Walter Keller. Born 1944."
That makes you 38.
Must have fought in Vietnam.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What was it like?
It was gross.
Yeah. That's what they say. "War is gross."
I'm sorry, soldier.
This is the thanks we get.
Sumner, this is crazy.
Diane, we're about to be married.
Married! Congratulations! Why don't we celebrate with a drink?
I think not.
I give it six months.
Perhaps we won't have children right away.
Come on. Let's sit here.
Sumner, now, we have a plane to catch.
Diane, if we're going to be married,
I insist you have my grandmother's antique old wedding ring.
Didn't you say that ring still on your ex-wife's finger?
I don't need it.
You're enough for me.
True, but symbols are important.
Just let me call Barbara and see if she's home.
Ah, the phone's back here.
As long as we're here, let's celebrate with some champagne.
Hello?
Sam?
Are you Sam?
Yes.
Yes, he's here.
Someone named Vicki.
No, no, no, no.
No. She knows you're here. I told her you're here.
Now, look.
I'm sorry. I was wrong.
He had to step out.
Where?
Well... I think what happened is...
He... had to...
He had to go to mime class.
Yes. Yes, I'll take a message.
You're welcome.
Well?
You're a magnificent pagan beast.
Thanks. What's the message?
Now, listen. I didn't like doing that.
I'm sorry. If I didn't own this place, I'd fire me on the spot.
Tell you what. For lying for me, I'll buy your first drink.
Oh, I'd like a bottle of your best champagne.
It wasn't that great a lie.
No, no. We'll pay for it.
We're on our way to get married.
Oh, well. Hey, then this is on me. Congratulations.
Good news, Barbara was home and she said I could come over.
Ah, well. Do you want me to go with you?
No. It could get a trifle sticky.
Besides, if she saw the dazzling beauty
who's about to succeed her, it would break her heart all over again.
Oh, Sumner. I'm not beautiful.
Blasphemy.
So where's the ceremony going to be?
We're getting married tomorrow in Barbados.
Oh, hey. Nice.
I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane,
Professor of World Literature at BU.
He has an article in the current Harper's.
Diane's been my teaching assistant for almost two years.
Today I was sitting in my office with Diane.
I looked up from my Proust.
She had her nose in her Yates.
And I said to myself
I would be crazy to let this girl get out of my life.
So right there on the spot, I said, "Let's get married."
What he actually said was,
"Come with me and be my love,
and we will some new pleasures prove."
That's Donne.
I certainly hope so.
No, no. John Donne, the poet.
Ah. well, that's lovely.
Listen, I must dash. I'll be back in ten minutes.
- Excuse me, what's your name? - Sam.
Listen, Sam, old man. I have an errand to run.
Diane is going to stay here.
I'd appreciate it if you would keep an eye on her.
For you, Sumner, old man. I'll keep both my eyes on her.
Sumner?
Am I stupid to let you go see a woman you were once in love with?
Oh, my darling. I'm leaving you alone in a bar.
Which one of us is the stupider, Sam?
Too close to call.
In any case, you sit over here at the bar and you chat with Sam while I'm gone.
I'll be back before you know it with your wedding ring.
That's quite a fella, your fiancé.
Listen, you don't have to make conversation with me.
Nothing personal, but I'm not in the habit of talking with bartenders.
I understand. One's trying to move into my neighborhood.
You call that a football team?
What's wrong, Coach?
What's wrong? The Patriots did it again.
This is going to be the worst draft yet.
They got a first-round pick, right Sam.
Did they get a jack rabbit for the backfield? No!
A gunslinger at quarterback? No!
A linebacker they get, Sam, a linebacker.
I don't know, Coach. I've seen a good linebacker turn a whole team around.
Yeah. Me, too.
Oh, hi.
Hello.
I hope nobody told you the bus goes by here.
No. She's going to be sitting here for a while.
Excuse me. I hate to keep asking for special attention,
but could you not discuss my private life with everyone that comes in?
What would you like me to tell them?
I don't care.
She's a hooker.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
Carla's late again.
Aw, nuts.
Okay, I'm late!
My kid was throwing up all over the place!
If you don't buy that excuse, I'm quitting!
Cause I don't work for a man with no compassion for my children!
And it doesn't look like your exactly swamped here!
I'm usually very punctual! If you don't like it, that's fine
because this ain't such a great job to begin with!
I'm gonna change!
Think I was too hard on her?
- Hey. Hi, Coach. - Hi, Carla.
Hey, The Patriots finally got the linebacker that they needed, huh?
What are you nuts? They're up to their ears in linebackers.
You know, that's true.
They do have a lot of linebackers over there.
I love to see a woman who isn't afraid to take her luggage out for a drink.
Carla, she doesn't want to be disturbed.
Oh, well. Tell Her Nibs I'm sorry.
Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norm!
How are you doing, Norm? What do you know?
Not enough.
Hey, Coach. What do you think of The Patriots' draft, huh?
Forget it, Norm. They need linebackers like I need antlers.
Yeah? I say that new linebacker's going to put them in the Super Bowl.
You know, he'll probably do that.
Gee, I've got an awful headache, all of a sudden.
Sox lost again today, Sam.
Sure could have used you coming out of the pen, buddy.
Not in the shape I'm in, Norm.
Yo, Miss.
Wouldn't you love to see Sammy there flinging the old horsehide again?
Flinging what?
Don't you know who this is?
He use to be one of the best pitchers in baseball.
Samuel "Mayday" Malone.
I coached this kid down in Pawtucket in Double-A ball,
and up here with the Red Sox.
He was one of the best relievers ever to play the game.
Take it easy, Coach.
No, I mean it. He was the very best, as sure as the Earth is round.
You don't believe that, Coach.
No, I never used to believe it, Sam, till I saw those pictures from the space shuttle.
You know, Sam once struck out Cash, Kaline, and Freehan
with the tie-in run on second.
How long is the wimp convention in town?
Carla, heel.
Well, if you were so good, why aren't you still playing?
I developed an elbow problem.
I bent it too much.
You were a drunk?
Are you kidding? He was a great drunk!
Anything that kid did, it was great!
I was not a great drunk.
I was a good drunk.
Are you drunk now?
No. I haven't had a drink in over three years.
I for one am proud you licked it, Sammy.
Must have been hell.
Why do you own a bar?
I bought it when I was a drunk.
And I held on to it for sentimental reasons.
Yo, Miss.
What you reading, a book?
Excuse me.
Where is your bathroom?
Next to my bedroom.
Down the hall.
So, what's Goldilock's story, huh?
Never mind.
- Come on, Sam. - Why can't you tell us, huh?
Yeah, come on. What's the big deal?
Take it easy, will you?
Sam's kinda shy about this sort of thing.
So, I'll fill you in. She's a hooker.
She's not a hooker.
Well, no. She's not a hooker, Sam, in the traditional sense.
No, she's not a hooker at all.
She's the finest lady I've met.
My head is killing me.
Look...
Look, she does not want to be bothered.
She's waiting for her fiancé.
They're going down to the Caribbean tonight to get married. Okay?
They missed you.
Another beer, Norm?
Well, yeah. One more quick one, Coach. Thanks.
He's not back yet?
No.
Why don't you make a run for it?
You're a bitter little person, aren't you?
Yeah. Well, I have a right to be.
My husband left me with four kids.
- Four kids? - That's right,
and after I paid his way through school, hustling drinks.
What school did your husband go to?
The Colletti Academy.
Of TV repair.
So the minute he graduated, he left me.
Said I wouldn't fit in with the other repairmen's wives.
Big shot!
- He sounds like a cur. - Yeah.
Well, he's not all bad.
He still fixes my set
and only bills me for parts.
If it's my missus, I'm on my way.
Cheers. Yeah, just a second.
Is there an Ernie Pantusso here?
- That's you, Coach. - Speaking.
I'd like two drafts and a scotch on the rocks.
You know, there's a group over there
arguing about the sweatiest movie ever made.
The what?
What movie did people sweat the most in?
That's easy. Rocky II!
No, no. Not even close. Body Heat!
- Sweat City. - Ben-hur.
The boys in that galley sweat like pigs.
No, no, Alien. Alien! Buckets.
This is the night before my wedding,
and I'm in the middle of a sweat contest.
Hey, uh, speaking of sweat, here's a little-known fact.
Women have fewer sweat glands than men,
but they're larger and more active.
Oh, the human body, huh?
Yeah, but see,
consequently they sweat more.
- Really? - Sure.
How about you, Miss?
What are your perspiration patterns?
Oh, Sumner. I'm so glad to see you.
I've been sitting here listening to these men
argue over the sweatiest movie ever made.
Cool Hand Luke.
Hey, that's the one!
What happened to you?
You said 10 minutes.
It's been over an hour.
Diane, that woman is extraordinary.
- Did she give you the ring? - I couldn't take it.
- We've got a plane to catch, right? - Diane.
I love you,
but when I was with Barbara just now, something stirred inside me.
Well we can talk about it on the flight to Barbados.
I can't fly to Barbados when I'm this confused.
Sumner, it's okay. The pilot knows the way.
Oh, I love your wit.
Oh, you're a beautiful child.
Let's go to Barbados.
Who isn't here?
- Me! - Me!
Cheers.
Just a minute.
Hey!
If you're not, I apologize, but is your name Sumner Sloane?
Yes, it is.
Hello.
No, no, no. It's all right.
She understands, and I understand.
Oh, Barbara, that's very human of you. I'll be right over.
And, Barbara, your depth frightens me.
- She insists that you have the ring. - Sumner.
We won't have time to catch our flight.
Well you call and get us a later flight.
I'll go now and get the ring from Barbara.
- Sumner? - Yes?
How about a kiss?
Maybe. I'll play it by ear.
Hey, cheer up, cookie.
He may have been in an accident.
I'm knocking off, Sam.
Home to my book.
Still working on that novel, huh, Coach?
Yeah. Going on six years now.
I just got a feeling I might finish it tonight.
You're writing a novel?
No. Reading one.
Wait a second, Coach. I want you to take Norm home.
- Norm! - Norm!
I'm up. I'm up.
One quick one, then I've really got to fly.
- I'm going to have Coach take you home. - Come on. I'll give you a lift.
All right. Thanks. Good night, Sam.
Hey, Coach. if we stop somewhere, I'll buy you a beer.
Norm, you're in here every night.
Doesn't your wife ever wonder where you're at.
She wonders.
She doesn't care.
Night, Sam.
Thanks for letting me bend your ear.
It's okay, Ron. Good night.
Boy, you must get real tired of hearing people cry in their beer, huh?
I wonder why people tell bartenders their problems.
It's kind of sad, isn't it?
Yeah.
These poor wretches
with no one in the world to turn to
but some stranger who mixes drinks.
I met Sumner two years ago.
I was so flattered when he actually went out of his way
to pick me as his teaching assistant.
I'm still kind of in awe of him, you know.
He's the most brilliant man I've ever known.
For the last two years,
he's been the most important thing in my life
and now I may be losing him.
Oh, hey, come on.
Look, you are a very attractive young lady.
Thank you.
Yeah. Sure.
Look, you're going to find someone
a lot better for yourself than that goofy professor.
Goofy?
Are you talking about Sumner?
I'm talking about Sumner.
You don't like Sumner.
I don't like Sumner.
You know why you don't like Sumner?
Because he's goofy.
No.
Because he's everything you're not.
He's well-bred.
He's highly educated. He's distinguished.
He's urbane.
You left out goofy.
I did not leave out goofy.
You were coming to it?
I should have expected this.
That goof will be on the cover of Saturday Review someday.
That goof is probably going to be on a beach in Barbados tomorrow morning,
rubbing suntan oil on his ex-wife.
I've had a real rough day,
and I'm now going to reward myself by getting out of here.
When Sumner comes back, will you tell him I've gone home.
Fine.
I forgot to change the reservations again.
Use this one.
Thank you.
Yes, I'd like to change the reservations
for Mr. and Mrs. Sumner Sloane.
Flight 481 to Barbados.
They did?
Are you sure?
No, thank you.
I'm sorry.
How did you know?
Bartender's intuition.
What a shame such an astute observer of human nature
ls stuck behind a bar.
That's what I think.
Well, why don't you bring your remarkable powers to bear
and enlighten me as to what my future holds?
I'm probably going to regret this,
but you could... work here.
Sam.
Shut up for a second, will you?
I need... I need two vodka gimlets.
One straight up, one blended, rocks.
Chivas rocks, soda. A Comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry.
A white wine spritzer with a twist.
One Old Bushmill Irish Decaf, hold the sugar.
What makes you think
that I would ever work in a place like this?
Simple really... you can't go back to the professor for work.
I need a waitress. You need a job.
You like the people here.
You think that they like you.
And the phrase 'magnificent pagan beast" has never left your mind.
Now, look, buster.
I do need a job,
and I'll find one.
And you can bet that it won't be waiting tables.
What are you qualified to do?
Nothing.
But somewhere there is a job that I'm perfect for,
that's perfect for me.
I'll find it.
And when I do, I'll know it.
Carla, what am I making?
Two vodka gimlets.
One straight up, one blended, rocks.
One Chivas rocks, soda.
A Comfort Manhattan, hold the cherry.
A white wine spritzer, with a twist.
One Old Bushmill Irish Decaf,
hold the sugar.
Your first customers.
Wish me luck.
Luck.
Hello. Welcome to Cheers.
My name is Diane. I will be serving you.
Why not sit down over here?
I should tell you parenthetically
that you're the first people that I've ever served.
In fact, if anyone had told me a week ago that I would be doing this,
I would have thought them insane.
When Sam over there offered me the job,
I laughed in his face.
But then it occurred to me...
Here I am. I'm a student.
Not just in an academic sense, but a student of life,
and where better than here to study life in all its many facets?
People meet in bars.
They part.
They rejoice.
They suffer.
They come here to be with their own kind.
What can I get you?
"Where is police? We have lost our luggage."