- What a great day. Hey, Cliff. - Hey, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.
- You got something funny, Coach? - Yeah, Sam.
This salesman came by this morning with these new napkins.
Read that one. It's terrific.
- This isn't funny. - Well, no, that's not the funniest, no.
Read some of the others.
- What others? - Oh, here.
I bought 30 gross. Take your pick.
Thirty gross of two hunters saying, "Did I hear a buck snort?"
No, no.
They're all different, Sam.
Well, I'll be darned.
That salesman.
But two bucks snorting is funny every time.
You should've asked me before you did this, Coach.
Gee, I'm sorry, Sam.
I was sure you were gonna love them.
These things are a real conversation starter.
No, Coach, this is not a conversation starter.
- Did you see these awful napkins? - Yeah, they stink.
See what I mean? The place is abuzz.
Well, folks, the Sox need a rally here,
as they bat with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning.
The Yanks may have it sewed up, though, as they lead 5 to nothing.
Here's your drinks. Go, Red Sox!
Miss, which drink is which here?
What does this look like, the Pepsi Challenge?
Sam, Carla's getting her drink orders mixed up
because she's watching that silly game.
Snitch face.
You know, if you tried that at St. Clete's School for Girls,
we'd have given you a pink belly that glowed in the dark.
I'd kind of like to see that.
- Afternoon, everybody. - Hey, Norm!
- Norman. - How you doing, Norm?
Cut the small talk and give me a beer.
- So, Norm, how come you're late? - Boss kept me after.
- Got chewed out a little bit. - Yeah, what for?
I don't know. Guess he doesn't have a dog.
All right. Hey, our prayers are answered, Normie, babe.
- Yastrzemski's up with a man on. - Yeah, it's the fountain of youth.
- Yeah. - Come on, now.
Now we're gonna get something going. All right, come on, now.
You and me, babe. You and me, Yaz. Come on. My hero.
Popped it up.
- Sox lose again. - You old fossil.
That's it. That does it.
May I have your attention, please, everyone.
I have an announcement to make.
As of right now, Carla Tortelli is no longer a Red Sox fan.
No, no, really! I mean it this time.
Now, stop that, okay.
Have I said that before?
Give everybody a drink on me, Sam.
- What's the occasion, Fred? - My sister Louise died.
Congratulations, Freddie. Just in the nick of time, huh?
Oh, yeah, I was getting pretty low on funds.
What's going on?
Well, Fred here is the youngest of 12 brothers and sisters
of a very wealthy family.
And I never cared for any of them.
Every time one of them dies, Fred here inherits all their money.
I think that's ghoulish.
Yeah, so did we the first six or seven times.
Remember the night two of them drove off the cliff in the fog?
Talk about a party.
Okay, how we doing here? Cliff.
Yeah, another one, Sam, but hold the napkin, huh?
Hey, what do we have here, a Red Sox bar?
Sorry about that, fans. Another tough one in the loss column.
Boohoo.
We're closed.
I just came from a classic massacre of Boston by the Yankees.
Tonight on the news you can watch the low lights.
You know, I can't see why you people are such bad losers.
You've had so much experience.
Who do you like, the Yankees?
Another swift Bostonian.
Yeah, I'm a Yankee fan.
Back in the real city, they call me Big Eddie.
Pig Eddie?
Hey, pal, you made awfully good time getting over here from Fenway.
I still hear the TV tubes cooling.
Oh, I left right after the Red Sox fans had their seventh-inning wretch.
- Can I help you? - Yeah. Give me a draft.
You know, Big Ed, the Sox are doing okay.
Yeah? Since 1918,
the Yankees have won 23 world championships.
And the Sox, zip.
Wanna talk about major poets from New England
as opposed to New York?
Wanna talk about Nobel Prize winners in medicine?
No!
Philistines.
Fred, another round for everybody?
No, Louise didn't have that much money. But I'll be back.
My 90-year-old brother Bob is hooked up to so many wires
you can get the Super station on him.
- See you. - So long, Freddie.
Hey, tell him we'll be thinking of him during the next electrical storm.
- Bye. - Good night, Fred.
- You homesick for the Bronx? - Yeah.
Here.
You'll have to forgive Carla.
She gets a little overemotional at times.
But please bear in mind, you are in an alien camp.
Tact is perhaps your wisest recourse.
What'd you get, a vocabulary for Christmas?
How would you like to take a flying leap up a knuckle sandwich?
Well, you gather my inference.
Hey, come on, everybody, take it easy.
We're trying to run a nice, friendly bar here.
Come on, everybody sit back and relax.
Read a napkin.
Great shot, kid.
Well, you must admit, the man's a jackal.
Hey, hey.
I know you.
- What's your name? - Sam Malone.
- Yeah, that's it. - Yeah, I usually get it right.
Hey, you used to be a relief pitcher for the Boston Red Sox, huh?
- That's right. - Hey, you didn't stink.
Thanks.
As I recall, you had a darned good hard slider.
And here you are, schlepping drinks.
The great Sam "Maybe" Malone.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. That is "Mayday."
- Let me buy you a drink, Sam. - No, thanks.
Come on. I didn't mean all that stuff about your ball club.
- Come on. Have a drink with me. - No, I don't drink.
A baseball player that don't drink?
He doesn't drink anymore. That's it.
Oh, that's-- That's what happened. And I thought you just lost it.
Hey, hey.
He licked his booze problem three years ago.
Hey, what was it like pitching to two guys at the same time?
Better yet, what was it like coming in with bases loaded, and so were you?
- Easy. I got her, I got her. - It's okay, everybody, I'm fine.
Sammy, you get a minute, you wanna put a head on this here, bud?
You all right?
Yeah, I think I better get this looked at.
Here's a doctor. Lives right near here.
No, I was thinking something more on the lines of an attorney.
- Oh, here's a guy. He's excellent. - Coach.
No, thanks. I got my own, and he's damn good.
Listen, Sam, you're legally responsible
for the actions of your employees. You know that, don't you?
She got carried away. It was a stupid mistake. I'm sorry.
Mistake? That was an assault, in front of witnesses.
Hey, I didn't see anything. I still don't.
Hey, listen, Sam, I ain't got nothing against you. You run a clean bar.
Fire her, and I'll forget the whole thing.
Come on, come on. Look, there must be some other way we can settle this.
Yeah? What do you suggest?
Well, I certainly think an apology's in order, don't you, Carla?
Hey, I'm willing to listen.
Listen, Sam, you fire her, or I'm gonna take everything you got.
Well, that's it. Happy hour is over.
Carla, what you did was reprehensible.
You do what you can.
- Talk to your lawyer, Sam? - Yeah, I finally got through to him.
- So, what'd he say? - Well--
If he's worth a dime, he said by statute and precedence
this would be considered a tort.
And there is, therefore, substantial grounds for cause of action.
How'd you know that?
Well, I picked it up in pre-law.
I thought you were an English major.
Well, that was after art and before psychology.
Is there anything you weren't in college?
Blonde.
Check the yearbook, Carla. Check the yearbook.
- Don't. Just stop. - Sam.
Look, I'm sorry I got you in trouble.
I promise, it won't happen again.
How--? How am I supposed to believe that, Carla?
I mean, you've flown off the handle too often.
When?
You don't remember throwing a man's change at him from across the bar?
The correct change.
Carla, Carl-- Look, you have a history of being...
- Abusive with customers. - I'll handle this.
A history of being abusive with customers.
Sam, he was insulting you.
You're so stupid, you don't even know when you're being insulted?
Carla, I appreciate you defending my honor,
but I used to be a baseball player. I'm used to people riding me.
I mean, in Yankee Stadium, I had to face 50,000 Eddies.
I can defend myself without having to call in Spider-Lady.
Yeah, I did make a couple of nice moves, didn't I?
- Like when I swung-- - Carla, Carla, sit down.
Look...
I'm your friend, and I like you.
But I'm also a businessman, and as a businessman,
I don't like what you did tonight.
Look, you know, I could get tough with you.
I mean, my lawyer wants me to do exactly what Eddie asked.
Fire me?
Come on. That's crazy.
Carla...
...I could lose the bar.
Sam, you can't fire me.
I need this job.
Think of my kids.
If I didn't have this job, I'd have to stay home with them.
Hey, Sam, you're not actually thinking about it, are you?
Sam, this is Carla we're talking about.
I know it's Carla we're talking about, Coach.
Excuse me.
- May I make a suggestion? - Sure, honey, go ahead. What?
Well, I have a very close friend who is a clinical psychologist.
- That could work. - What could work?
Well, I don't know, Sam. Give the kid a chance to talk.
This friend mentioned to me one time
that he has a therapy group for people who...
I hope you'll forgive me, Carla.
For people who can't control their tempers.
You think I'm wacko.
Nobody used the word wacko.
Now, you don't have to be wacko to see a psychologist.
Perfectly normal, happy people consult psychologists.
In fact, get ready to laugh,
I have consulted him professionally myself.
Are you one of his better jobs?
I'm trying to help you.
Carla, look, this might do you a lot of good.
Now you think I'm crazy.
I think you're a person who's got a lot of anger inside her.
Yeah? Well, stick it.
Come on, would you?
Look, Sam, I grew up on Federal Hill.
I had six older brothers and sisters.
I mean, I worked all my life to get this mean.
Now you're telling me I have to learn nice?
Carla, I'm giving you one more chance. Take it.
Okay.
Look, if I go see whitey's shrink...
...will you let me stay on?
Show me you're serious, get some help,
and, yeah, I'll keep you on.
Thanks, Sam.
- Come on. Let's go home. - Oh, this is great.
I mean, just great. A minute ago, everything seemed so hopeless.
I thought we were gonna lose Carla forever.
And all of a sudden, it's all turned around. I feel wonderful.
All we have to worry about now is Eddie taking my bar away.
That didn't last long.
Oh, I'm sorry. Pre-law...
...was after literature and before psychol--
No, wait, I'm wrong again.
Indian studies totally slipped my mind.
How could I forget that? It changed my life.
All right, fine, Eddie, yeah. See you in 15 minutes.
- So Ed's coming over? - Yeah, he's on his way.
When was the last time he was here, Sam?
Three weeks.
Oh, gee, then he's seen the napkins, huh?
Ed?
You don't mean that swineherd Ed that's suing you?
Yeah, that's the one.
Oh, I see what you're doing.
You're taking advantage of the fact that it's Carla's day off
to bring Ed in and fool him into thinking that you fired Carla.
It's a crass ploy.
I'm gonna tell him that Carla's in therapy
and ask him to understand.
My way's better.
Hey, that Ed guy is not my favorite person.
I think he's a big pansy making a big fuss over some intense pain.
How many times did you play hurt, Sam?
- Now and then. - I must have got hit by 100 fastballs.
As a matter of fact, it became a specialty of mine.
Wait, you specialized in getting hit?
- Yeah. - He led the league
in HBPs two years in a row.
"Hit by pitches."
See, I perfected it when I was down
with the St. Louis Browns organization, Diane.
I could get to first base on any pitch.
I mean, what I'd do was, I'd get up there
and lean my body into the pitch, right?
Well, sometimes I took one right in the old melon.
But I really made a science out of it.
I became a master.
Well, here, try to miss me.
Diane, stand right there. Now, I got the batter's box
marked off back there at exactly 60 feet 6 inches.
You ready? Okay, here we go.
- Has he done this before? - Lots.
You know, Diane, back in those days,
we didn't wear batting helmets either.
Sam, this is ridiculous.
He gonna stay back there all night unless you throw the ball.
- Okay, honey, I'm ready. Let her rip! - Come on, baby!
All right, all right.
I'm not gonna get it anywhere near him.
That's the whole point.
I'm on my way to first.
Way to hum, girl. Right in the old honeydew.
I really had to dive for that one. But I still got the old touch.
Hey, hi, everybody.
Carla, hi.
It's Carla, Sam. And Ed's on his way over.
Thanks for reminding me.
Carla.
What the hell are you doing here on your day off?
I brought my shrink by to meet you all.
He wanted to put the names with the faces.
Dr. Graham, this is my boss, Sam.
- How do you do? - Hi. How you doing?
And this is Coach Pantusso.
Hello, Doc. So you're a psychologist, huh?
You know, our jobs are a lot alike.
You mean, because we both listen to people's problems all day?
Well, there's that too.
Thank you. It's really nice to meet you, doctor.
- Hello, doctor. - Well, hello, Diane. How are you?
In what sense?
- Pardon me? - Oh, you mean, "How are you?"
Right? Not, you know, "How are you?"
Well, if that's what you meant, I'm fine.
- Good. - It's really good to see you,
- but I should get back to work. - Okay.
Nothing personal. I'm just a hard worker, you know?
Not that I'm obsessed with work.
Diane, why don't you get some pretzels.
- Thank you. - Hi, Sam.
What's she doing here?
Ed, why don't you sit down way over there.
Listen, I...
I asked you over here to talk about Carla tonight.
You see, she's still working here.
I thought my attorney made my position absolutely clear on that.
Well, yes. Yes, he did. He did.
Hey, table for one. Sit down.
See, Carla is seeing a therapist.
She's trying to work things out.
She's trying to become the kind of waitress
that you'd enjoy being waited on by.
You just ended that sentence with two prepositions.
Don't you have customers to deal with?
That ended with a preposition too.
Don't you have customers to deal with, mullet head?
- Look-- - Better.
So you're in therapy, huh?
Yes.
I've come a long way, though.
Well, I don't believe it, and I want you out of here.
Ed, it's a long process.
- Sometimes-- - Sam.
Hey, Ed.
Give me a break.
I mean, I've been working damn hard,
and I'm better.
- Yeah? - Yes.
Boston stinks.
This bar stinks.
It's all right, it's all right.
You're a crummy waitress.
- Oh, now, wait a minute-- - No, no, let it go.
- You're doing wonderfully. - Hang in there, Carla.
You're short.
You're obnoxious.
You're a terrible dresser.
- That's low. - No.
Sam Malone was a terrible pitcher.
Ted Williams was overrated.
Bobby Orr was a wimp!
Eddie-- Eddie, I'd stay away from hockey.
I hit a sore spot, huh? Okay.
The Bruins are a bunch of ugly,
stupid sissies!
Come on, Ed. I mean, how much more do you need?
Okay, Sam. I'm gonna drop the whole thing.
Working here is punishment enough.
Hey.
I wish you hadn't said that about the Bruins.
- Why, you a Bruin fan? - No.
I'm a Bruin.
Let me walk you to your car.
I wanna show you some of those sissy things I got suspended for.
All right!
- Carla, that was wonderful. - Thanks.
- I'm so proud of you. - So tranquil. A new woman.
My psychologist. My psychologist.
- How did you do it, honey? - Nothing to it.
I mean, I've been working really hard on this, haven't I, doc?
I mean, we had some great sessions.
I just used this little trick Dr. Graham taught me.
I imagined a small point way off in the distance.
Hey, Carla. Where's that beer I ordered?
Shut up, we're celebrating.
And I just keep thinking of that point. He never fazed me, I'm telling you.
Like, a little deep-breathing, relaxation...