- Hey, Coach, how about a beer? - Forget it, Harry.
Now, Sam says I can't serve you anymore. You're a flimflammer.
Oh, no, no, it ain't for me. I'm expecting a friend.
- A friend? - Yeah, yeah.
He asked me to order it for him.
He did. He did. In fact, he wrote it down.
- "One beer." - Now, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait.
Wait one minute. One minute, Harry. Let me see that.
Yeah, one beer.
Harry, I just had to make sure.
Okay.
That'll be one buck.
A buck. Let's see. Gosh, I thought I had a dollar.
Well, I got a ten. You got change?
Yep, absolutely.
Here you go. A five and four ones, Harry.
Oh, look at this. I have a buck after all.
I don't need the change, Coach. Why don't you give me my ten back?
Right.
- Here you go. - There you-- Wait, wait, wait, no--
Coach, I don't wanna carry around all these bills.
Listen, give me a 20 for the whole thing. What do you say?
You got it.
Nobody move.
Come on, Coach, don't you see what he's doing?
I mean, he's shortchanging you.
Oh, no, no, Sam, he's outsmarted me before, but not this time.
No way. Believe me.
Coach, how much money are you giving him?
- Twenty bucks. - How much is he giving you?
Oh, darn you, Harry.
Sam, I'm just trying to keep in practice.
Coach, I tell you what, I'll give you a $30 bill.
- We'll call it even. Okay? - What do you think, Sam?
There's no such thing as a $30 bill, Coach.
You wanna bet?
Get out of my bar, Harry. Come on, now, scoot.
Wait a minute. You owe me ten bucks. What is this, a clip joint?
I'm sorry. Here. Now go on.
You know, Sam-- You know, you've got the wrong idea about me.
No, I don't. Now, Harry, you got ten seconds to get out of my bar.
And give me back my watch, Harry.
I'm just trying to help you guys out.
I mean, if you wanna upgrade a little bit--
- Out. - I'm out. I'm out.
- Afternoon, everybody. - Hey, Norm!
Give me a beer, will you?
How's life treating you, Norm?
Like I just ran over its dog.
You're a little late, Norm. How come?
Vera dragged me down to the mortuary.
Had to arrange for our funeral.
You thinking about dying, Norm?
We don't have any dates circled yet, but...
you know Vera, she likes to plan ahead.
Yeah, we're gonna get cremated.
No kidding? What are you gonna do with the ashes?
You know, I wanted to throw them in her mother's face...
...but I think we're gonna have them scattered over the Adirondacks.
- Hello, everyone. - Hi, Diane.
I'm sorry I'm late, but you'll be delighted when you hear why.
We were just delighted that you were late.
I had the most fabulous after-class discussion
- with my art history professor. - Oh, yeah?
Yeah. I now feel, unequivocally, I have a full grasp of impressionism.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Do Kirk Douglas.
Sam, I am sorry I was late.
Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Yeah, yeah, but you wouldn't.
Cheers. Yeah.
Coach, your friend Walt.
Oh, Walt. Walt.
Walt, Walt, my God, it's so good to hear from you.
Oh, I'm so glad the operation's over, Walt.
Listen, I didn't wanna say anything beforehand, Walt,
but, you know, I didn't think your chances going in there were too good.
Oh, it's tomorrow?
Well, listen, don't worry about it, Walt, you'll fly right through it.
It's a piece of cake.
- Hello, everybody. - Dave!
Oh, the famous sportscaster.
- Hi, Coach. - Right on, man.
Hey, Dave, we watch you here on the news every night.
- Oh, great. - You do the best sports report in town.
Well, well, what do we have here?
Hi. Dave Richards. I'm an old teammate of Sam's.
Diane Chambers. I'm Sam's new waitress.
- Sam have his brand on you yet? - Hardly.
Oh, well, good, then you're in for a lucky day.
Not only am I incredibly good-looking,
I'm also incredibly rich and incredibly nice.
And incredibly married.
Well, I am sorry to hear that.
- You are? - Yes.
I was hoping to reject you based solely on your personality.
Too skinny.
Can I have Coach buy you a beer?
- No, Sam, I'm here on business. - Yeah, I noticed.
How would you like to be my interview on the 6:00 news tonight?
- Hey, that's terrific! Sam! - Yeah!
You wanna interview me? I haven't been in baseball for years.
Hey, I understand perfectly.
You are one of the best relievers the Red Sox ever had.
Carla's right. You're still a big name in this town, Sam.
We could do the interview right here in the bar.
You couldn't ask for more than that, Sam.
And besides, you owe me a favor.
- I do? - Yeah.
Remember that night in Chicago in 1973? Those two young--?
Dollars I borrowed? Oh, yeah.
Two young dollars?
Yeah, I hate it when they're wrinkled.
Look, I'm out of practice. It's been years since I did an interview.
Hey, come on, Sam, it's good advertising.
- It would help business. - Right, Carla.
And we can all be on TV. I'd like to see myself on TV.
No, you wouldn't. Trust me.
Trust me on that.
Come on, Sam, I haven't got all day.
- Yeah, come on, come on. - Come on, Sam.
- Do it! - Come on!
Sam, everybody in this bar wants you to do the interview.
Almost everybody.
- What do you mean? - Oh, never mind.
Will you excuse me for just a minute?
Diane, can I talk to you in the backroom for a minute?
- Certainly. - Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I just have to discipline an employee.
- Oh, can I watch? - No.
Okay, what's the problem?
What makes you think I have a problem?
Because you've got that Sam-is-a-chowderhead-
and-he-wouldn't-understand- if-l-drew-him-a-picture look.
- I do get that sometimes. - Yeah.
Sam, the fact of the matter is that you are an ex-jockstrap.
- Ex-jock. - You...
That's ex-jock. Now, how many times I gotta tell you that?
Well, what is the origin of the word "jock"?
I-- From the French, "Jacques."
Sam, those 'where are they now" interviews on TV?
- Yeah? - They're depressing.
You know, anytime you put a "former" in front of someone's name,
even the most attractive, bright, successful guy--
Excuse me, excuse me. "Attractive"?
Yeah. Even then, you know, something--
I didn't know you thought I was attractive.
Well, you know, when the light strikes you in a certain way,
and your hair's combed just right, and I'm standing back a ways,
you're sometimes somewhat unrepugnant.
Yeah, that's what women call me, "tall, dark and unrepugnant."
The point I am laboring to make here
is that whenever I see an old athlete trying to relive his glory days on TV,
I can't help but feel sorry for him, and I don't wanna feel sorry for you.
Wait a minute. Feel sorry for me?
Hey, look, I resent that. You don't have to feel sorry for me.
You know who you should feel sorry for?
I'll tell you who you should feel sorry for.
You should feel sorry for the Flintstones.
I beg your pardon?
Well, yeah, they're opposite the 6:00 news,
and when everybody finds out that "Mayday" Malone is on,
Bedrock is gonna be a very lonely little town.
Martina Navra--
No. Martina Navra-mama-Jamma. No.
- Martina-- - Hey, Dave, let's do it.
- All right! - Yeah!
That's great, Sam.
Give me 20 minutes, I'll bring the crew right back.
You got it. That'll give me just enough time to slip into my shawl and blanket.
Dave, this is a really good idea.
Yeah, it's pretty good, isn't it?
Yeah, about time you got around to "Mayday."
Well, actually, I'm really kind of excited that he agreed to do the interview.
You know, John McEnroe canceled out on me.
So Sam was your second choice?
No, Gerry Cheevers is out of town with his horses.
- Third? - M.L. Carr has laryngitis.
Fourth?
Jim Rice is out of town, and Robert Parish was last week,
and Becky Bannerman, the junior high school gymnast, is on a field trip.
But Sam was the first retired guy you thought of?
- No, well-- - I said,
Sam was the first retired guy you thought of.
- The very first. - He's honored.
The Celtics got going pretty good, eh?
Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.
I'm practicing my floating coin trick.
Pardon me?
Just a little something I do.
So, what, it's a rigged-up coin, huh?
No, it's just a half-dollar.
Take a look.
- A trick or something, huh? - No, no trick.
- Strings and wires, stuff like that? - No, no wires, no strings.
I just take the coin, I hold it in the air about like that,
and then I let go of it real careful,
and it just stays there.
It floats.
It hangs there.
What am I, a goof?
There's no way you can make a coin hang in the air. No way!
- You got five bucks if I can't do it? - Yeah, I-- Ten! Ten bucks!
No, wait. Wait a minute. Am I being hustled here?
You are gonna give me ten bucks if I cannot do it?
You're onsville, pal. Come on.
- I couldn't do it. - No, you couldn't.
- I don't know what happened. - I'll tell you what happened.
You just got stuck with ten bucks.
Coach! Coach!
- Who is this clown? - Which clown?
Harry! Harry, please.
- Harry. - Sam, I'm going. I'm going.
I was just playing, okay?
But whoever owns a Honda, thanks for the lift.
He take you for anything, Norm?
What'd you say, Coach?
I didn't hear you. I'm practicing suspending this coin in midair.
Here, here.
- No, Carla, don't, I'm fine. - All right, all right.
You know, he's gonna ask you, "What's your greatest memory in baseball?"
And I'll tell you what it is.
It's gotta be that double-header against the Orioles in '72.
He saved both games with seven pitches.
- Seven pitches. - No, no, now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, will you? Wait a minute.
You wanna talk about excitement, huh?
Sam, tell them about opening day in New York.
You come out of the bullpen in the seventh,
the bases are loaded with pinstripes, Bobby Murcer's at the plate--
He hit a 400-foot home run off me, Coach.
My God, it was the most exciting thing I ever saw.
Coach, this is Sam's interview.
Why would he wanna talk about something bad happening to him?
You're right, Carla. I don't know what it is.
You know, sometimes I just think of the smartest thing to say,
and then it comes out so stupid.
That doesn't make any sense.
Well, you should've heard it before I said it.
- Everybody ready? - Yeah.
Well, "Mayday"...
- ...knock them dead. - Thanks.
- You ready, Sammy? - Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I am. Dave, listen, I'd like to do this if you don't mind.
First, we can talk about whatever my greatest thrill in sports was,
then I wanna talk about my triumph over alcoholism.
- Good. Very good. - Yeah, it could be powerful.
- Yeah. - Very powerful.
- Yeah. - Then we could talk about Cheers,
what I'm doing now, and if you have any time left over,
we can talk about what I'd do about the crisis in the Mideast.
Yeah, the Cubs got that thing by three and a half games, don't they?
Should be a stimulating evening.
Ready, Dave.
Okay, a little bit more to the left, guys.
- Roll tape. - Rolling.
Action.
I'm standing here in a popular Boston watering hole called Cheers.
What's wrong with his voice?
- Come on, Diane, this is television. - Cut the tape, Ernie.
- Come on, Sam. - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- I mean, really. I gotta start over now. - I know. You'll be all right.
Gee whiz.
- Roll it, Ernie. - Rolling.
I'm standing here in a popular watering hole called Cheers.
Most of you probably recognize the guy standing next to me.
Or maybe you don't when he's not in his Red Sox uniform.
But this is Sam "Mayday" Malone,
ex-great relief pitcher from the Boston Red Sox
and now owner and bartender here at Cheers.
- How you doing, Sam? - I'm all right, Dave. Thanks.
That's great.
You've been out of baseball, what, five years now?
- Yeah, yeah. - Do you miss it?
Well, you know, I miss the fans.
The people of Boston were very good to me.
Yeah.
Tell us about some of the great moments you had here, Sam.
Well, I guess I'd have to say one day in Baltimore.
Oh, great. You wanna tell us a little bit about that, Sam?
Well, it was-- I was working both ends of a double-header.
It was the old story. First game, bottom of the ninth,
I'm coming in with a man on second and third,
we're holding onto a one-run lead against the Birds.
And Boog Powell's coming up.
I could feel the wind from his warm-up swings.
I mean, the guy had the heaviest bat in the league.
Papers are full of him.
So I figure the only way I'm gonna get this guy,
as good as he's going, is if I challenge him on the first pitch.
If I try to get cute, he's gonna kill me.
So I decide I'm gonna make him wait on me, make him sweat a little bit.
You know, I adjust my cap a couple times,
go down to the rosin bag a couple times,
walk around the mound two or three times.
Then when I figure he's getting good and antsy, I--
Dave, John McEnroe just called.
He said he's got something he wants to get off his chest.
McEnroe.
Hey, Dave, what...?
Sam, thank you. I'll catch you later, huh?
What happened?
Well, I guess he got a better interview.
No, no, what happened to the Boog person?
He grounded to third.
Come on, Coach, let's serve some drinks here.
Yeah, right, Sam.
Tennis is a sissy game.
Come on, we got some thirsty people, right?
- Damn shame, Sammy. - No. No sweat, no sweat.
Listen, I'm gonna be in back, cleaning up.
- That's our job, Sam. - It's my bar, Carla.
Listen, Carla, will you watch my customers
while I'm gone, please?
Sure. I'll go over, act geeky, give them the wrong drinks.
- They'll never know you're gone. - Thanks.
Sam, this could be a crucial moment in your life.
It is vitally important that you handle your emotions properly.
The worst thing that anyone in a situation like this
could do right now is to repress his feelings.
Diane, get out, please.
You need to lash out.
To release yourself.
Scream.
- Get out! - Wonderful.
All right, now...
We need now to move away from the brute gut release of emotions
into the more cerebral.
Tell me in one sentence what you perceive
to be your problem right now.
You won't leave.
Let's come back to that.
Other people have been through what you're feeling.
Even, in a slightly different way, myself.
Would you like me to share an experience from my life
when I was horribly defeated and humiliated?
Diane, I don't wanna hear a lead-in-a-high-school-play story.
It's not a lead-in-the-high-school-play story.
Well, I don't wanna hear a I-didn't-get- asked-out-for-the-junior-prom story.
It's not an I-didn't-get-asked-out- for-the-junior-prom story.
Well, I sure as hell don't wanna hear a I-didn't-get-elected-cheerleader story.
Okay, if you're just gonna make a big joke about it.
I hit it, didn't I, huh?
- Come on, I hit it. - Oh, Sam, I was terrific.
Look, what happened to me today put a period at the end of my career.
The last thing I need is a cheerleader right now.
Well, that's what you need the most.
Hey, you know,
I was looking at you at that interview today.
Yep. I didn't see a washed-up ex-former has-been.
No. I saw a guy who has a great deal to look back on with pride.
And a great deal to look forward to with hope.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Of course, it didn't hurt that you were standing next to a Cro-Magnon.
But, Sam, here's the point.
You know, you have to put the past behind you.
You have to turn and face the future. Look at it.
You have to open your eyes, see what's right in front of you.
You're young, you're alive. Feel that. Feel that in your whole body.
Appreciate what you've got. Live for today.
Go for it, Sam. I tell you, go for it.
Are you okay?
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm...
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Oh, hey, look.
One of my lights is out.
It's a reflex, Sam, you know?
I learned it in a class, Practical Feminism.
What was your final, crippling a Buick?
Look, I'm sorry I had to do that,
but I came in here with very honorable intentions
of trying to help you out.
No, no, I'm sorry, you're right. Thank you.
Look, I really appreciate you coming in here.
It's the high point of my day.
How long have you wanted to do that?
Do what?
Kiss me.
How long have you denied that burning desire?
It just came to me. It was an impulse.
Good.
Because if you've been thinking about anything between us,
it is out of the question.
No, no, I haven't.
Good.
Listen, Diane...
...thank you.
I will put the past behind me,
and tomorrow I'll feel better, but tonight I'm gonna feel bad.
Okay?
Yeah, okay.
Hey, Sam, will you do me a favor?
You want me to try and take your purse, right?
Okay, I deserved that.
No, I'm curious. I wanna hear about the Boog-er.
- The what? - The guy from Baltimore.
Listen, Diane, I know when I'm being patronized.
I may not have had 80 majors, but I know when I'm being patronized.
Second game, bottom of the ninth, Boog's up again.
- Again? - Oh, yeah.
I'm seeing the clown in my dreams.
See, if I serve him a gopher ball, we're five games out of first place
with only eight to play.
Now, there's only one guy on base, but it happens to be Don Buford.
I mean, he's over there on first base dancing around.
I had to go over there 20 times.
To talk to him about dancing?
No, no, no, you see, you gotta throw the ball to first
to keep the runner close to the bag.
- If you don't, what happens is-- - Wait, wait.
Don't you throw the ball at the batter?
Look, this story's going nowhere. Why don't we just forget it.
Oh, good, now we have time for my cheerleader story.
All right, all right, Buford's on first.
- Where? - Right here.
Right there. Put it down, put it down. Easy mistake, gentlemen.
Easy mistake.
Let me give you another shot. Let me give you another shot.
Once again. Anyone can make that mistake. Once again.
- Again. Once, twice, three times. - I wanna double up.
Let me give you a hand. Which one?
- I wanna double up. - Right here.
Right there. Gentlemen, gentlemen-- Oh, one more time, one more time.
Please, please, please, please.
I'm trying to give you a chance to break even. I feel just terrible.
Again.