- Cliff. - Yeah.
Answer that for me, will you.
You betcha, Coach.
Cheers.
Carla? Yeah.
Carla! It's for you. Sounds like trouble with the kids.
- I'm not here! - Carla.
Give it to me. Give it to me. Here.
What is it?
Seraphina's where?
Well, cut her down!
No, I don't care if it helps the TV reception, cut her down!
And if I get home and find that you've flushed the car keys again,
you've had it! And by the way,
any more problems tonight, and you're adopted.
Your real mother is Doris Slobotkin,
555-8921.
- You think that's gonna work? - One in a million chance,
but I gotta take it.
- Hello, everyone. - Hey.
- Hi, Diane. - Hi, Diane.
Sounds like you had a pretty nice day off.
Well, it was so nice, I don't know if I'm ready to talk about it yet.
However, if you insist...
I went out with David from the anthropology department.
He took me up to New Hampshire.
We walked in the woods, we communed with nature.
We stayed in a little inn where John Adams slept.
Yeah, lots of guys sign the register that way.
Well, now I know why I didn't want to talk about it.
You know, I had a pretty nice day off myself.
Taffy and I went sailing up at Marblehead.
Taffy?
Sailing? You?
You got a problem with that?
Oh, no, no.
It's just that I thought your idea of romance
was brunch and a cockfight.
I love sailing.
After seeing Ordinary People,
I've been trying to get my kids interested in it.
Hey, come on.
- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!
How's life treating you, Norm?
Like he caught me in bed with his wife.
- How about a beer, Norm? - Yowza.
Sammy, I'm gonna bring some company in this afternoon.
- Who are you bringing in, Norm? - My new superior.
Gotta butter him up a little bit, you know?
Figure I'll bring him in here for a drink, maybe catch some dinner upstairs.
- Why not take him to your house? - My wife lives there.
Gotcha.
Oh, one thing, you guys.
Hey, you don't know me in here, okay?
- Why? - I don't want him to think I'm a barfly.
- Right. - Oh, don't call me Norm, all right?
Gotcha, Norm.
Diane, would you get some singles up at Melville's, please?
Aye, aye, skipper.
Coach, I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some wine.
- Pardon me. - Oh, hi.
I'm looking for a Diane Chambers.
You're in luck. We got a Diane Chambers.
I beg your pardon?
I hope you only want one.
Do you sense, as I do, that this conversation is an exercise in futility?
Oh, thank you very much.
My name is...
My name is Ernie Pantusso, but you can call me Coach.
- Rebecca Prout. - Hi, Becky.
Diane and I shared a suite at Bennington.
No kidding. Sam and I shared a Chunky bar in Cleveland.
Where is Diane Chambers?
Oh, Diane. She's upstairs. She'll be down in a minute.
Well, I'll just sit at a table and wait.
Okey-dokey.
- Thanks for your help. - You're welcome. Any time.
Rebecca?
- Rebecca! - Diane!
What a wonderful coincidence, huh?
I never come into a place like this.
I... I'm doing research for a paper...
Hey, hey, hey. What the hell's going on here?
Oh, a serving girl.
Would you bring us a bottle of wine?
Only if I can spit in it.
Diane, it's all right.
I know that you work here.
All right, how did you find out?
I called your mother.
She took her head out of the oven long enough to fill me in.
Oh, God, I've missed you.
I'll never forget those long afternoons in the quad,
drinking champagne,
eating brioche with strawberry preserves.
Reading and talking Schopenhauer.
Yeah, well, enough Schope talk.
That's the beauty about being a mailman, Norm.
I don't have to play smoochy-woochy with my superiors the way you do.
Cliff, believe me, it's worth it for accounting.
I love numbers.
God help me, I love them.
Now, me, I like the challenges.
Dogs, vicious kids, those hard-to-find mailboxes.
You think accounting's boring, eh?
I miss one digit, a whole company goes in the toilet.
I'll tell you, when it all makes sense is Mother's Day.
You know, delivering a card to some old hag.
You know, watching her eyes mist up.
Kind of gets me right behind the old ballpoint, you know what I mean?
Hey, you wanna talk sentimental, pal?
You take that same old crone,
save her a couple of hundred bucks on the short form.
Then I know why the big guy put me here.
I actually get paid to stand here and listen to great conversations.
Rebecca, there's something wrong.
Oh, you could always see through my façade of gaiety.
Elliot and I have parted.
Oh, Rebecca, no.
You and Elliot?
Oh, well, you were together forever.
I know.
It all began when Elliot got his doctorate in ichthyology.
His eye began to wander, and the first thing I knew
he'd taken up with a young student on a squid expedition.
A doctorate changes a man.
But there'll be others, right?
And in the meantime, you still have your work.
Oh, you'd think so.
I used to find enormous comfort translating Russian poetry.
- I know. - But no more.
Even when I went back over my favorite,
Karashnikov's "Another Christmas of Agony,"
it failed to soothe me.
Mischa the dog lies dead in the bog.
The children cry over the carcass.
The mist chokes my heart,
covers the mourners.
At least this year we eat.
Well, if that didn't pick you up, I'm at a virtual loss.
What I need is to blot out Elliot's memory.
Well, that's exactly what you should do.
I'm looking for a man.
Pardon?
Diane, I've been thinking about this very carefully
and I think what I need is something I've never had before.
An evening of unbridled, bestial pleasure.
I want to burn at the stake of passion.
Rebecca, you're very vulnerable right now.
Please don't do anything foolish.
I've never done anything foolish in my life,
and it's high time I did.
Now, the man I'm looking for should be peasant stock.
Tall, dark, strong. Hairy arms.
But most important, he should be unintellectual.
One-word sentences.
- Do you know anyone like that? - No!
Diane, did you get the small bills?
Oh, yeah, right. Excuse me.
- Here you go, Coach. - I need a ten in silver, honey.
Would you get it for me, please?
- Okay, Coach. - Thank you.
I'll be right back. You just sit very still,
sip your wine slowly.
Damn!
- Hi there. - Hi there.
Come here often?
Yeah, just about every day. I work here.
I couldn't help noticing your arms.
Yeah, I get a lot of comments on these.
They go all the way down to my hands here.
- What's your name? - Sam, change.
Why? I like myself this way.
Hey, Sam, two bourbons, straight.
Diane, it's him.
- What? - I want him.
Who? The gay guy with the war wound?
You can't fool me.
He's exactly what I'm looking for.
You're not interested in him yourself, are you?
No, of course not.
Then I'm going for him before I lose my nerve.
Sam. That woman over there is a dear friend of mine.
Now, she is going through a very difficult period.
So whatever she asks you, please, just say no.
- What? - No.
- Diane? - Yes?
- Would you excuse us a moment? - Fine.
Would you object to joining me in my hotel room
for an afternoon of wild animal passion?
No!
What's your name?
Does it matter?
No.
Diane, Sam's not back yet.
So? Who cares?
I would, if he took off with my friend for two hours.
One hour and 53 minutes.
Sam always did like day games.
Well, what do you say, Mr. Stabell, this looks like a good place, huh?
Nor...
What are you gonna have, strangers?
Let me get this, Mr. Stabell.
- I think I'll have a Perrier. - Perrier.
- Give me a beer. - Beer.
Wait a minute, now. Beer.
Sounds like a refreshing change. I think I'll have a beer.
Coach.
Listen, promise you'll hold me to one beer tonight.
- One at a time? - No, for the whole night.
- The whole night? - Yeah. Promise.
Thank you.
Yeah, here we go.
Two tankards of their finest ale.
Let's talk.
- Hey, Sammy. - Hey.
Hi, Sam.
- Diane, Sam's here. - So?
I'm gonna be in my office back here.
Well, hey, nothing going on here, huh?
Dead.
You know, I think I'm gonna stretch my legs,
get a little exercise, fresh air.
Gotta take it easy.
I have no respect for a man who can't control himself
when it comes to drinking.
Yeah, me neither.
How could you do that to that poor woman?
- Do what? - Do what?
Thank you, Mr. Quickpants.
Rebecca is a very vulnerable person coming off a shattered relationship.
How could you go off with her?
She said, "Would you mind?"
Would you mind?
Those three words are all that separate you from a rutting pig.
That and my aftershave.
How dare you try to be funny when I hate you.
Come on. What's the big deal here? I mean, we're all adults, aren't we?
Yes!
Contrary to your assumption, I am not a prude.
I have a very healthy attitude toward, you know...
Answer me one question.
Are you proud of what you did today?
I don't kiss and tell.
Oh, the pig develops scruples.
Hey, come on. Look, I'm just kidding you.
Nothing happened, all right?
And he compounds it by lying.
No, no lie. I swear, nothing happened.
You mean, Rebecca came to her senses.
No. No, I stopped it.
Oh, I get it.
You got angry because she considered you nothing but a stud service.
No, I liked that.
The problem was that I couldn't shut her up.
Now, no offense, but your friend is very boring.
She's depressing and she's long-winded.
And those dismal Russian poems. I mean, they don't even rhyme.
After listening to two hours' worth of frostbite and famine,
I decided to get my balalaikas out of there.
- You turned a woman down? - Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, here I am, all primed for a wonderful afternoon...
You can't admit the truth, can you?
What? What? What is the truth?
Decency finally won out.
You did the right thing. You were noble.
No. No, I was bored.
Unconsciously, you were sensitive to her suffering,
and you didn't want to take advantage of that.
- You think so? - Yes.
Sam Malone, you're a better man than you're willing to admit.
You know, well, maybe you're right.
Maybe I am kind of turning into a sensitive guy.
Maybe I'll never look at another woman again
and see her as a mere sex object.
No, scratch that thought.
It was my favorite audit.
It nearly cost my marriage, but it was worth it.
Gotta go for the gusto.
I like your enthusiasm, Norm.
You're a workhorse.
Clydesdale.
You know, I'm having one heck of a time.
I don't usually do this, but let's have another.
Coach, two more beers.
- Can't do it, Norm. - No, no, it's okay now, really.
Norm. Norm, I'm not letting you down.
- You said one beer. - All right, all right. All right.
One beer for my friend.
- Oh, that's different. - He'll have a pitcher.
Diane?
I've come to say goodbye.
Forever.
Oh, Rebecca, what's wrong?
I'm not attractive to men.
- What? - First Elliot,
and now what's-his-name.
Rebecca, I'm sorry.
Do you have to believe in God to be a nun?
It helps.
What did Sam do to you?
Who's Sam?
- The... The bartender. - Oh, nothing.
That's the problem.
Oh, Diane.
He found me repulsive.
No, no, Rebecca, this must be a misunderstanding.
He climbed out the window.
I'm going back there to talk to Sam.
He must know that he's hurt you this way.
I originally wanted to be a dancer, Norm.
You're a pig.
I haven't moved. How'd I get back to pig?
You have ruined a human being.
- Who? - Rebecca.
- She's sitting out there right now. - Mother Russia?
I'm not here.
Sam, she's crushed.
I have never seen this woman so depressed,
and, believe me, I have seen this woman depressed.
I believe you.
Well, you have to do something.
She is seriously upset, and it's your fault
for the way you rejected her.
Well, wait, wait. Where are you going?
I'm going to bring her in.
No, come on. Just give me a minute to build a window or something.
You're going to restore her confidence.
What am I gonna say?
Well, just tell her that the reason you rejected her
wasn't because you found her unattractive.
Well, what was the reason?
I don't know.
Well, tell her that you belong to someone else.
That you lost your head for a moment, you're an uncaring worm.
I was laughed at by the other boys, Norm.
Rebecca, may I speak to you in here for a moment, please?
But don't they always laugh at the graceful fellows?
Hello, Rebecca.
Hello again.
When I left the hotel,
I may have given you the wrong impression.
You see, I thought there was a fire.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Rebecca, I... I might not have been totally fair with you.
The reason I left was I'm... Well, I'm kind of seeing another person.
Oh, I was afraid this was going to happen.
You're making excuses to spare my feelings.
No, no, no, this is true. I really am seeing somebody else.
- Please. - Rebecca.
You are a very desirable woman.
He does happen to be going with somebody, that's all. Me.
- You? - You?
We can tell it now, yes.
Today we had a tiff right before you came in,
and Sam used you to make me jealous.
And then when push came to shove, he finally remembered
what a wonderful thing that we have together.
Isn't that right? Sweetheart?
Oh, yeah. Sure.
You betcha.
Yes, Sam and I are deeply and passionately in love.
I can't believe it.
- Well... - You two?
It's incredible.
I'd never have put you two together.
Well, I know it does test the limits of human logic...
...but, like you, I was growing bored with bright, articulate men.
- You were, huh? - Sure.
I was looking for meat and potatoes,
and Sam here, the old side of beef, really fit the bill.
You know, I was getting kind of bored with beautiful, sexy, sensuous women.
I decided to go for pleasant.
Yes, believe it or not,
I actually prefer a man who's thick and ordinary.
You know, I guess I'm kind of old-fashioned.
I like a woman who does what her man tells her.
Oh, hey, lookie there. My shoe's undone.
Will you get that for me, honey?
What, darling?
Would you tie my shoesie-woosie for me?
She loves doing these little things for me.
That's a little tight there, honey.
- How's that, sweetheart? - Well, that's much better. Thank you.
Well, all of a sudden, I feel like I'm intruding.
I can see that there's such emotion in this room.
- Well, thank you for everything, Diane. - Oh, Rebecca, thank you.
It was wonderful to see you again.
- I'll write you. - Oh, good.
Things will work out.
You...
Let go!
Let go of me!
- You get your hand out... Just get... - You had the gall...
That's the kind of passion I was hoping I'd find.
You'll find it, Rebecca.