All right, locking it up.
Who needs a ride home?
Come on, who needs a ride home?
Well, I guess we're all sober enough to drive ourselves tonight, Coach.
Looks like you get to go straight home for a change, there, Coach.
I've never driven straight home alone. I wouldn't know how to do it.
Okay, Coach, you can take me.
Oh, what a prince.
- Thanks, Norm. I owe you one. - Anytime.
- Good night, now. - Good night.
You can drop me off at Kenmore Square.
I can catch a cab from there, take me back here to my car.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm just having a little late-night fun.
Listen, pencil neck, you're starting to get on my nerves.
Please don't call me pencil neck.
I am not a pencil neck.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you pencil neck, guzzle-head.
Name-calling.
The last refuge of the monosyllabic.
I don't know what that means, but I heard "slob" in there.
Hey, come on, Diane, Carla, you go at each other every night.
We're starting to get scouts in here from the roller derby.
Listen, I mean it, you guys do something about this, or I'm gonna...
I'm gonna think about some personnel changes around here.
Oh, what choice do we have, Sam? We don't like each other.
Now, Carla, Sam's...
Carla.
Sam's making good sense.
You could knock me over with a feather, but he is.
We need to sit down together and talk this out.
That's nuts. What's there to talk about?
Listen, I want you to sit down and settle this, or else.
- We'll do it. - Carla?
We'll do it.
Can we use this table?
Oh, you mean here?
No, no. You know, I was thinking more along the lines
you go out, you know, to one of your homes or a coffee shop,
down by the docks, maybe.
Sam, we'll lock up. Don't worry about it.
Now is the time. This is the place.
Unchecked rage is like a festering wound.
Laughs aplenty tonight.
Look, you expect me to leave the two of you down here without a referee?
Oh, come on. What could happen, huh?
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Two women left alone, who hate each other,
in a room filled with glass and alcohol. Silly.
This was your idea. Good night.
All right, all right, all right. Check the locks twice, okay?
Aye, aye, captain.
And make sure the lights over the bar are out.
Lights over the bar, right. Good night.
Maybe you should check the thermostat.
We'll do that. Yes. Thank you.
Good night. And goodbye.
I have no life insurance, just this place.
Good night.
Okay.
Let's sit down,
relax and open the lines of communication.
I want a drink.
Wonderful.
Let's have a bottle of wine.
I think we've got your favorite, Chateau Guam.
I'm talking a drink.
I'll make it.
Wonderful. Okay.
You're gonna like this.
And I'm gonna use...
I only do it for special occasions.
Well, Carla, thank you. I'm honored.
You're really getting into the spirit of this thing.
What's the drink?
Family recipe. We call it Leap Into an Open Grave.
You're kidding.
My Uncle Joe stumbled across it when he was making a car bomb.
You're kidding, right? Carla?
One for good luck.
Oh, nice touch.
Now, keep those glasses moving
so the fumes don't burn a hole in the ceiling.
Delicious.
And it goes right to your head.
No one in my family lives past 43.
Okay.
Let's chat.
You know, I don't know what we're talking for.
We're totally different kind of people. We're never gonna get along.
We're not totally different.
Name one similarity.
Well, we...
We're both women.
Why do I get the feeling that we're jerking our chain here?
No. There's more.
We... We both share the same job.
Of course, I'm not as good at it as you are.
Doesn't take a genius to notice.
But thank you.
You know, Carla, I particularly admire the way you handle passes.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Guy in the back room tonight asked me if I wanted to play something called
the Shepherdess and the Hun.
Which part did he want you to play?
This is fun, isn't it?
The easy give-and-take between two working gals.
You know, I think we're coming together.
That's the Open Grave.
Give it another 15 minutes
and you'll be French-kissing the sump pump.
No, no, seriously. We're connecting. I'm certain of it.
Yeah, people need people.
I'm a people person.
I can be there for you, Carla. I wanna be there for you.
Please. Benefit from my depth.
This stuff, great.
You would do that for me?
You'd listen to me?
With all my heart, mind and soul.
You know...
Thank you.
There are moments when I just wanna spill my guts, you know what I mean?
Yes.
I mean, I got things...
...one thing in particular...
...that I've been carrying around inside of me for a long time.
Tell me.
I mean, I barely know you.
Well, Carla, you brought it up. You obviously want to get it out.
Yeah, maybe I do, but...
Carla, I swear, I'll keep my mouth shut.
I swear.
About five years ago...
...Sam threw a party here.
The big guy was still on the sauce then,
so every night was an excuse for a big bash.
Anyway, this one time, he was too tanked to drive home,
so I took him.
I helped him upstairs.
To his bedroom.
One thing led to another...
...and nine months later Gino was born.
Gino?
Sam's son.
Carla, I don't believe this.
Me neither. You're gonna die.
Sam.
Sam did this?
He's a beast!
Oh, no.
No, Sam's been really good about it.
I mean, he's always helped out with the kid.
I never blamed him for anything.
It was as much my fault as his.
But you bore the child. You are raising the child.
You plucky little soldier, you.
Diane...
...Sam and I are the only ones that know.
Understand?
Carla, I...
I just wanna hug you right now.
I feel kind of close to you too.
People
People who need people
Good God.
Carla, my goombah.
I like somebody who knows when she's had enough.
Hi. Sorry I'm back.
Sorry. I forgot my bubble gum.
I know that sounds crazy...
Oh, my God, Carla, you killed her.
Don't get your hopes up, Sam. I just mixed her a drink.
Oh, Carla, you made her an Open Grave.
Yeah, and she leaped right in.
I mean, she's out cold. I mean, this is irresponsible.
Hey, I tried to slow her down.
I'm gonna... I'm gonna take her home.
- Will you get her things for me? - Yeah, sure.
Did you straighten everything out, the two of you?
Oh, yeah. You know, it was great.
She got sickening,
and I told the biggest lie I could think of, and she started to sing.
Well, why did you do that?
She brings out the little devil in me, Sam.
I don't know, I was getting a buzz on, feeling loose,
I just decided to have some fun with her.
- What did you tell her? - Sam, it's something I told Diane,
and she swore she would never tell another living soul.
She'll tell you tomorrow.
- Afternoon, everybody. - Hey, Norm.
How's it going, Norm?
Daddy's rich and Mama's good-looking.
- Good evening. - Oh, hi, Diane.
How are you?
Hey, sis, how's my buddy feeling today?
Well...
...I got up this morning,
I washed my face, I shaved my tongue...
...came right in.
However,
no regrets.
Evenings like that come seldom in a lifetime.
- How are you, Carla? - Oh, fine, thanks.
And how is poor little Gino?
A little hungover, are we?
I can't keep anything from you.
You know, I know something to stop hangovers.
Oh, thank God. Help me. What is it?
Don't drink so much.
Thank you.
But thank you, Sam, truly,
for getting Carla and I together at last.
You're welcome.
She really is a wonderful woman, isn't she?
Yeah, she's all right.
And her children are truly wonderful too.
Yeah, if you like chain saws with feet.
But I understand that Gino
is an extraordinarily fine young man.
Which one's he?
He's who he is.
Hey, Sam, where's my bourbon and ginger?
Oh, yeah, sorry. Coming right up, babe.
You're slipping, sweetheart.
You're staring at me.
- Oh, was I? - Yeah.
Right through me, as a matter of fact.
Oh, I gotta get home to the little lady.
Tonight's my tenth wedding anniversary.
- Hey, hey, congratulations! - Thank you.
- Big plans, huh? - The biggest. Going out for pizza.
It gets me back here about 10:00.
A whole quarter.
I'm gonna name the Ferrari after you.
Now, look here, miss...
- No, you look. - Hey, Carla.
- My office, right now. - Sam, a quarter.
That's a whole dollar below insult!
- Carla, right now. - Sam.
It wasn't her fault. She was deliberately snubbed...
Diane, she's my employee.
- This is none of your business. - Wait...
Stay out of it, Diane.
Coach. Coach, Sam just called Carla an employee.
No kidding.
How did Carla take it?
Coach, what do you think he's gonna do to her back there?
Probably nothing. Just bawl her out a little.
How dare he chastise her. She can barely scrape out a living.
How much suffering does the poor woman have to do?
She's raising four children,
not to mention that one of them is Sam's...
One of Carla's kids is Sam's kid?
No.
No, I didn't say that.
Wait a minute. Let me figure this out.
Now, wait...
Sam knows Carla five years, right?
And Carla's youngest kid Gino is seven and a half.
Well, that's it. That works out.
Wait a minute.
- Gino is seven and a half years old? - Yeah.
And Sam and Carla have only known each other five years?
Right. But who would ever figure that Gino was Sam's kid?
She lied.
She deliberately lied.
You mean that Gino's not Sam's kid?
- No. - Holy mackerel.
This is gonna break Sam's heart when he hears this.
I reached out to her.
That weasel.
Coach, what do you do when you are so furious
that you have to do something?
Well, I know you'd think it's kind of crazy,
but I bang my head on the bar.
Doesn't sound crazy to me. It might do me a lot of good right now.
Well, okay.
No, no. Oh, Coach. Stop that, please.
You feel better?
Yes, thank you. How about you?
Well, I feel fine. I mean, to me it's kind of, you know, a picker-upper.
Hello. My name is Carla. I'll be your slave for the evening.
No, I won't do it.
I won't give her the satisfaction.
She's just waiting for me to break her confidence.
She can play me for the fool, but she will not tarnish my dignity.
This is none of your concern.
Hello, my friend, my dearest confidante.
How's your rotten, lying little mouth?
Gotcha.
"One thing led to another, and then Gino was born."
I knew it. I knew you'd tell.
You had to tell somebody our secret to find out.
- That's beside the point. - No. I knew you couldn't keep it.
You hold your secrets like you hold your booze.
Telling me that story was reprehensible.
Oh, lighten up. You wanna be my friend?
You wanna get along? Let your hair down.
How about I take your hair and scour the sink with it.
Is that a Brillo shot?
Only if it offends you.
You sound like a lady who is getting tired of her teeth.
I'm tired of your teeth and all the vermicelli in between.
Cliff, in my office. Get her...
Be quiet!
Think Sammy can handle that one, huh, Coach?
Gee, I hate to see that kind of thing happen between women.
Yeah, I know what you mean, Coach. Women fighting is very unladylike.
Unless, of course, they're wallowing around in mud pits.
Yeah.
Now, somebody, please, tell me what's going on.
Last night, out of the goodness of my heart,
I reached out to this little twerp.
- No, no, no. - And she deliberately duped me
into believing that you were the father of one of her children.
- Me? - Yes.
She referred to it as a joke.
Snicker, snicker.
I told her we fooled around once and Gino was the result.
Gino?
You told her that you and...
And you thought she and I...
Gino?
Your... Your Gino?
You should have seen her face. Her chin was in her lap.
Of course, laugh at the fool. Laugh at my expense.
- Show her a picture of Gino. - Oh, yeah, okay.
You think he's funny-looking.
You wanna see what makes Gino laugh?
- Oh, yeah. - His real dad.
Let me see.
Well...
Hey, look, whitey. I'm sorry.
I know I can be a real pain sometimes.
And I know that I take things a little too seriously at times.
I guess I need to be reminded of that.
Well, I'll always be there for you.
Listen, I want you two to shake hands.
You're all right.
Hey, maybe we can go to a movie one night.
Fine. When?
I'll get back to you.
I'm proud of you. I really am.
I'm proud of you for holding your own with Carla.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Sam, could I ask a little
off-the-cuff question?
Sure.
Who took me home last night, you or Carla?
You don't remember?
No.
We both did.
Who put my pajamas on?
Carla did.
You'd already left by that time, right?
No, no, no. No, I was still there.
You mean watching?
No, no, I was in the other room, minding my own business.
On my good behavior,
trying on your lingerie.