Excuse me.
I'm here in response to the ad in the newspaper
about Mrs. Tortelli's children.
Oh, what, is she trying to sell them again?
- What? - Never mind. Never mind.
- Carla? - Yeah, what is it?
There's a lady here to see you.
- Oh, yeah? - I'm Miss Gilder.
We spoke earlier about your ad for a tutor?
Yeah, yeah. Have a seat over there and we'll talk.
I'm taking five.
Okay.
Here are my résumé and references, Mrs. Tortelli.
You will see that I teach all subjects.
I have a great deal of experience,
and, if I may say so myself,
I am very highly recommended by those for whom I've worked.
Forget that.
Have you ever been in any major military skirmishes?
- What? - Look, it's very important
that I know that you can handle yourself.
Would you stand up for a minute?
- Give me one. - Give you one what?
Your best shot. Right here.
Coldcock me, honey.
- Don't hold back. - Waste her.
- Lay one on her. - Let's go.
You don't really expect me to strike you?
Hey, six bucks an hour.
Great shot.
Sit right down here and we'll work out the details.
Afternoon, everybody.
Hey, Norm.
Norman.
What's the story, Norm?
Thirsty guy walks into a bar... You finish it.
Norman, you are looking especially spry today.
Thank you.
Matter of fact, I joined a health club today.
Oh, good for you.
- Nice facilities? - Excellent snack bar.
Norm, it's gonna add years to your life, I'm telling you.
Coach, I felt I had to do something.
Hey, Sammy,
this guy over here doesn't believe me about your bar slide.
Would you mind serving one up just to save my good name?
My pleasure, Cliff.
Thank you, Sam. Let's clean this garbage out of here.
Clear the runway.
- Okay, Sammy, anytime you're ready. - There you go, Sam.
Hit the bricks, pal.
Okay, okay. How do you do it?
Well, that's just one of my two hidden talents.
The other one is just as impressive.
But you could hardly charge a buck for it.
Cheers.
Yeah, just a sec.
It's for you, Sam.
Give me a second, Coach.
I'll put you on hold.
- Thank you, Coach. - All the classy joints do that.
Hello, Sam Malone.
Hey, yeah, of course I know who you are, Rick Walker.
Well, it's not too crowded.
Well, if you're across the street, come on over.
Yeah.
Hey, we're in luck here.
A genuine Red Sock is on his way over.
No kidding?
Oh, wow.
- What are you doing? - Hey, Sam,
I don't wanna Boston Red Sock to come in here
and get a glass with lipstick on it or crud at the bottom.
Sit up straight, will you?
So, who is it, huh?
Evans? Rice?
Yaz?
You heard of Rick Walker?
He can use that one.
- Carla. - For five years,
when that farm boy was pitching for Detroit,
we couldn't win a game against him.
Then he signs with the BoSox for big bucks,
and now he's leading the league in early showers.
Carla, he's supposed to be a very nice guy,
and I'm just glad not everybody feels the same way you do about him.
- Hi, Sam. - Hey, Rick.
I'm sorry about that.
That's okay. For me this is cordial.
- How you doing? - Good.
Nice to see you. Come on, let's sit down over here,
and have a little privacy.
Thank you.
Now, Sam, I know it's a little crazy
for a perfect stranger to come in here asking for advice,
but the pitching coach said you were the one man in this world
who could help me.
Well, I'm flattered.
Yeah, he said if anyone knows about slumps, it's you.
The legend lives on, huh?
Sam, can I buy you a beer?
No, thanks. I don't drink anymore.
Oh, yeah, I heard rumors you used to hit the bottle sometimes.
Well, they're true.
Did you ever drink during a game?
Never on the mound. It sets a bad example for the catchers.
Did drinking help, Sam?
No, quite the contrary.
Hey, how about an early shower?
- Carla, come on. - The guy's a rag arm.
I'm sorry.
Hey, Sam, didn't that guy used to be a pitching coach for the Red Sox?
Yeah, that's Ernie Pantusso. He works here now.
That's a good idea. Come on, let's ask him some stuff here.
Coach, I want you to meet Rick Walker.
Hey, Rick, how are you? It's nice to meet you.
- Can I get you a beer? - That'd be great.
Listen, I'm sorry things are not going good for you out there.
Yeah, Coach, I just don't know what I'm doing wrong.
- Sam? - Yeah.
Who is that man?
That's Rick Walker. He's a relief pitcher for the Red Sox.
Poor guy, he's in a slump. He's going through hell.
Try to get out of those things, the worse it gets.
Well, you know what he needs...
Meditation.
Gives you total serenity.
Well, maybe I could suggest it to him.
It worked for me.
I used to have this facial tic.
I started meditating, it went right away.
Really?
- Absolutely. - What kind of tic?
Oh, well, it was hardly noticeable.
- Come on, let me see it. - No.
I got rid of it. It's a thing of the past.
So, anyway, suggest meditation.
It just might do wonders.
Yeah, I can see it did wonders for you, right?
Well, I am a living endorsement.
Gotcha.
Sam, what am I gonna do?
Well, have you ever thought about meditation?
- I've tried everything, Sam. - Really?
Please, Sam, forget that meditation, will you?
What he needs to do is beef up his sex life.
You know, see a little bit of the ladies, take the edge off.
He's right. Sam here has taken more edges off than a carpenter.
Listen, Rick,
in my day, there was always a lot of attractive young dames
outside the stadium waiting for the ballplayers.
They're still there, Coach.
You kidding?
Say hello to Rosie McGonagal for me, will you?
Different ones are there, Coach.
Yeah.
Listen, now he's been in baseball for a long time.
Maybe there's something to this stuff about sex.
No, Sam. Now, I appreciate the suggestion here,
but I just don't think that's the answer.
Oh, wait. Now, wait just a minute.
Don't say that it's not the answer until you've tried it.
Diane. Diane.
Excuse me.
My name is Diane. I have done this for years...
...and I'll tell you, I would be happy to teach you how to do it.
Well, Diane, this is very kind of you, but I don't think--
No, no. Please, do me the favor of trying it with me.
Is she serious?
Oh, yes, she's serious.
She does it all the time. She just said so.
That's right.
Do you...?
- Oh, are you kidding? Him? - No, no.
He'd just make jokes.
Well...
Well, okay then. Okay.
What time's good for you?
Well, personally, I like to get at least half an hour of it in before breakfast.
Look, anytime is all right with me.
Darling, I like you.
You know, there is something so beautiful
about experiencing it outdoors.
Don't people stare at you?
Yes, sometimes.
But they end up learning something.
Sometimes people even join in.
You know, all this talk has gotten me so excited,
what the hell, let's do it now.
- Outside? - Oh, no, no.
It's a little cold, and I prefer to take my shoes off.
Sam, could we use your office, huh?
Wait a minute, I'm sorry. Listen, I let this go too--
No, no, we don't need to hear from Mr. Skeptic.
Rick here is after something, and I can show him where it is.
You gotta start doing different things.
You gotta, I don't know, maybe discover
some little rituals or superstitions.
Maybe, you know, start carrying around a lucky charm.
I know that sounds silly.
But what you gotta do now is break up your routine.
Did you have any superstitions there, Sammy?
Well, yeah, I had one crazy little one.
I never pitched to anybody named Reggie, Willie or The Bull.
Well, you did have the lucky charm, Sam.
Yeah, I did. That's true.
Well, what was it?
Well, it was a bottle cap that I found once.
For some reason I picked it up and started carrying it around with me.
And after a while, I guess I figured it had something to do with
things going my way, that's all.
Dog, I sure could use that bottle cap.
Oh, it doesn't have to be this one.
It could be any bottle cap, really, or anything.
Sam, you still have it?
Well, yeah.
I just started carrying it around, more as a superstition than anything else.
Could I borrow that for a couple days?
- This? - Please, Sam.
Now, this could mean my whole career.
Well...
A couple of days? Sure, I guess so.
I can't guarantee that it's gonna work.
Hey, Sam, listen, I'm desperate. I'll try anything.
This is great. Thanks a lot.
Yeah, don't mention it. Hey, let me buy you another beer.
No, thanks, I got practice.
And I'll see you in a couple days.
- Thanks a lot. - Go get them, kid.
- See you. - So long, Rick.
Oh, hey, Rick.
Hey, Sammy, how about another beer down here, all right?
Sure.
Sam, I never thought you'd part with the bottle cap.
Come on, Coach.
It's only gonna be for a couple of days.
It's not like it's special or anything, magical.
Hey, Cliff ie.
Here you go.
Gee, I hope you haven't lost your other talent too.
Did Rick Walker pitch again last night?
Yeah. He got another save.
Boy, that old bottle cap comes through again, huh?
Let's see, that's three saves and two wins in two weeks,
and all of a sudden the whole city of Boston is in love with that kid.
Yeah, everybody but Sammy.
Yeah.
Sam and his prescientific notions of magical bottle caps.
Well, you gotta admit he's had a lot of bad luck.
- And how. - Sorry I'm late.
What is it today, Sam?
Oh, nothing too exciting. I locked my keys in the car.
Hey, I won the pool.
Cliff wins it three days in a row. It's uncanny.
What did you have yesterday, Cliff?
It was scrapes and nicks, and he cut himself shaving.
And the day before that, I had stubbing something.
Still hurts.
Tell me. What do you like tomorrow?
I see a mine shaft.
Sam, come on.
Please tell me that you don't think these things are happening to you
because you've lost your talisman.
Look what's happening to Rick Walker with that bottle cap.
I mean, he's turning into a Hall-of-Famer.
He was on AM Boston this morning.
No kidding, Sam, what did he say?
I don't know.
I left my TV set next to the heater last night.
It exploded.
- Were you hurt? - No, no.
Luckily, I was unconscious in my bathtub.
Sam.
Do you realize that you are causing these accidents yourself?
What are you talking about?
Well, you've obviously got something else on your mind.
You're not concentrating,
so you're making all these terrible things happen to you.
Sammy, let me have a Dewar's rocks and a red wine.
- Coach, listen. - Yeah.
How many games did he win with that silly thing in his pocket
that he takes it so seriously?
None.
- None? - None.
Well, if he didn't win any games, why does he think it's a good-luck charm?
Diane, it had nothing to do with baseball.
I knew it.
I knew there was more to this than what he was saying.
Come on, tell me, why is it so important to him?
Please, Diane, I can't tell you.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Come on, Coach. I'm real curious.
Okay, you can ask me a yes-or-no question.
Okay.
- One question? - Yes.
Sam, would you take that, please.
Sammy, you grabbed the coffee pot by the sides.
- Yes, I did. - Doesn't it hurt?
"Hurt" is not the right word.
Hey, hey. Anybody have any money down on the coffee pot?
Sammy, you've gotta get that bottle cap back.
For the first time in my life, I'd rather be me than you.
Yeah, Sam, ask the kid for the cap, will you?
I mean, he's going good now.
Maybe he's rolling again.
He's got the old confidence back.
Yeah, maybe he just doesn't need it anymore.
Sam, please, give him a call. He'll understand.
- Go on. - Think so?
- He'll understand. Please. - Absolutely. Go on. Right now.
Well, all right, if you guys insist.
Hey, wait a minute, Sammy.
You can't call him now. The game just started at Fenway.
The Red Sox take the field.
It's a beautiful night here in Fenway Park.
Well, I guess you're right.
Well, I can survive nine innings, huh?
With your luck, it will go into extra innings.
And that's out number three. Walker has done it again.
He retires the side, and we head into the bottom of the 21st inning.
Perfect.
No kidding? Norm, is it the 21st inning?
Let's see.
I get 22, but this one could be the national anthem.
Yeah, well, that's a little bit too much baseball for me.
- I'm heading out of here. - Not me, Cliff ie.
I'm a real Red Sox fan. I stay till the very last out.
It's closing time, Norm. I can't serve you anymore.
Not like it's the World Series or anything.
Good night.
- Good night, Norm. - Wake up, Diane.
- Cliff ie, let's go do something, huh? - No, not tonight, Norm.
I gotta be down at the post office in a few hours to pick up my bag.
Yeah, I gotta go crawl into bed with mine.
Well, I think I'm gonna get on home too.
I'll see you tomorrow, Sam.
Come on, Carla, I'll give you a lift.
No, I don't wanna miss any of the game.
Come on, you can hear it on the car radio.
How far away is your car?
- About a block and a half. - Wait. Let's wait for the right moment.
We now pause ten seconds for station identification.
Coach, the keys!
Which direction?
One block north and about a half a block east.
Right.
Or did I take the bus today?
Good night, Diane.
Sam, don't worry about a thing. It's gonna be all right.
Well, I guess I'll knock off too. Okay?
Yeah.
Yeah, I could...
I could go to the all-night bookstore in Cambridge...
...or I could go home and make myself a cup of tea.
- What do you think I should do, Sam? - Score.
That would have to be the bookstore.
There's a line drive. And if it stays fair, that's a home run.
It's fair and it's gone.
All right.
The game is over and my baby's coming home.
May I ask a question?
Could you hold that question for a minute?
I got a very important phone call to make here.
You're calling Rick, right?
Yeah, I think that's his name.
Do you have the number of the "bullpit"?
No, no. They'd probably be in the bunkhouse by now.
Marty, hey, yeah, well, it's Mayday Malone.
How you doing?
Yeah, thank you. I'm doing fine.
Listen, is Walker there?
Well, all right, when he gets out of the shower,
tell him to call me here at Cheers.
All right? Okay, thanks.
I believe you had a question there.
Oh, well, I guess it isn't important now.
It's just that I know that this bottle cap has nothing to do with baseball
and I was sort of hoping that you'd tell me what it's all about.
I know you've been curious.
I haven't wanted to tell you the real situation
because you'll think I'm silly.
Well, would it ease your mind at all if I told you I already think you're silly?
Yeah, that might help a little bit.
You see, that little bottle cap keeps me from drinking.
Silly, huh?
You don't hear it speaking, do you?
Well, nothing beyond an occasional little small talk.
It is a very little bottle cap.
All right, I'll bite.
How does it keep you from drinking?
Just out of curiosity.
It's the cap off the last bottle of beer I ever drank.
The last anything I ever drank.
I remember holding onto that bottle cap during some pretty rough nights.
I mean, I'd wake up in the morning and I'd have its imprint in my palm.
I mean, it was flat, because I was squeezing it so hard.
When I was tempted to have a drink, sometimes I'd look at the bottle cap,
and it would stop me.
That's a pretty great little bottle cap, huh?
You wanna know something really crazy?
The last couple of nights...
...I've really had an urge to have a drink.
- That's probably for you. - Probably.
Listen, thank you.
Thank you for listening.
Oh, well...
If I wasn't here, I'd be at home in bed with The Brothers Karamazov.
Don't say it.
Hello. Hey, Rick.
How you doing?
Hey, that's a pretty terrific win you got there for yourself.
Yeah, congratulations.
Listen...
...I guess you're kind of back on the beam now, wouldn't you say?
Well, you know, I was thinking this afternoon, you remember...
...I loaned you a bottle cap or something?
Well, this is gonna sound funny, but I'm kind of missing that dumb thing.
You did?
Well, why didn't you tell me that, Rick?
No, no. That's all right.
No, never mind, that's--
What's wrong?
He lost it a week ago in Kansas City.
He was putting off telling me about it.
Kansas City.
One town I've always wanted to see, huh?
We'll jump on a plane...
Oh, well...
What's the difference? Easy come, easy go, huh?
Come on, Sam, let's get out of here.
Go home. Diane...
I tell you what, even better, let's just talk, you know?
What are you gonna tell me that I haven't heard 100 times, huh?
Come on, Sam, it's important that you not be here tonight, huh?
You don't wanna be in a bar.
Where am I gonna be tomorrow night?
And the next, and the day after that, huh?
I'm gonna be in a bar, right?
But you're gonna feel better tomorrow.
No.
No, I'm gonna feel better tonight.
Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you...?
Why don't you watch me get drunk?
I'll get real sick.
- Sam, no. - Don't.
Just don't.
I guess I gave the wrong one to Rick, huh?
Hey, I'm sorry. Are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I knew you could do it.
- I knew you could do it. - Your...