1 00:00:11,803 --> 00:00:14,431 - Evening, everybody. - Norm! 2 00:00:14,598 --> 00:00:15,891 Norman. 3 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:17,059 What's new, Norm? 4 00:00:17,226 --> 00:00:18,894 Most of my wife. 5 00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:24,441 Norm, I thought you were going up to Maine for the holidays with Vera. 6 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:26,443 - Yeah, I am, Coach. - So, what happened? 7 00:00:26,610 --> 00:00:28,904 Nothing, nothing. Vera drove up last night 8 00:00:29,071 --> 00:00:31,281 and I had to stick around for an interview today, so... 9 00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:32,574 I'm gonna drive up tonight. 10 00:00:33,158 --> 00:00:34,701 She left me the directions here. 11 00:00:35,786 --> 00:00:37,454 Should have no trouble finding the place. 12 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,498 Getting away, eh, Norman? 13 00:00:39,665 --> 00:00:40,958 Yeah. 14 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,585 Yeah, we got just the two of us. 15 00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:51,468 Oh, there are big trees up there, you know. 16 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,388 Got a frozen lake... 17 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:57,349 ...one radio station. 18 00:00:58,475 --> 00:01:00,602 That sounds very romantic, Norman. 19 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,730 Yeah. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? 20 00:01:05,023 --> 00:01:07,776 Where can a guy go for a good time around here? 21 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:13,532 Enjoy. 22 00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:17,077 Norman. Norman. 23 00:01:18,203 --> 00:01:21,081 No, hey, wait, wait. Pal, pal, please. I can't... 24 00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,000 I can't do that to the Navy. 25 00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:17,656 Hey, if you're in the mood for gum, I can get you a fresh stick. 26 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,869 Actually, I was looking for bugs. 27 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,747 Try the blond girl's hair. 28 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,626 Say, you're from England, huh? 29 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:31,420 How'd you guess? 30 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:34,881 Well, because you sound smart even when you say stupid things. 31 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,843 I hope you won't think me presumptuous... 32 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,514 ...but dark, exotic women like you bring a fever to my blood. 33 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,559 Wow, classy. 34 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,105 My name is Carla. What can I get you? 35 00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:54,735 How do you do, Carla? 36 00:03:58,113 --> 00:04:00,949 My name's Eric Finch. 37 00:04:02,033 --> 00:04:03,660 - Gin and bitters will do. - Okay. 38 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:06,329 You know, you have an interesting profile. 39 00:04:06,496 --> 00:04:09,374 - What? - Neapolitan, right? 40 00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:11,918 That's right. My grandfather was from Naples. 41 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,713 So we have an interesting saying in my business, 42 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,591 "Giving your heart to a Neapolitan girl is like 43 00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,886 forgetting to burn your codebook." 44 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:23,430 Oops. Blast. 45 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:25,140 Now I've bloody well done it. 46 00:04:25,348 --> 00:04:28,101 - You're not a spy or anything like--? - Quiet, please. 47 00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:31,772 Please, don't say anything more. You might put my life in jeopardy. 48 00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:33,356 - You see that man there? - Yeah. 49 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:38,487 He might be the secret agent from some foreign country's intelligence. 50 00:04:39,154 --> 00:04:41,031 I'd hate to live there. 51 00:04:42,574 --> 00:04:45,368 Hey, all right. All right, here's a little-known fact. 52 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,078 - Your smartest animal... - Yeah? 53 00:04:47,245 --> 00:04:48,163 ...is the pig. 54 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:50,791 - Oh, no, dolphin. - What? Hey, they look pretty stupid. 55 00:04:50,957 --> 00:04:52,709 - I'm telling you, your average oinker. - Yeah? 56 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:55,587 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scientists say if a pig had thumbs and a language, 57 00:04:55,754 --> 00:04:57,881 he could be trained to do simple manual labor. 58 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,591 You mean, they'd be part of the work force? 59 00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,552 Yeah, yeah, they'd give you 20, 30 years of loyal service, 60 00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:05,764 then at their retirement dinner, you could eat them. 61 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,392 - All right. - No, for me the smartest animal 62 00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,269 - is a pigeon. - What? 63 00:05:11,561 --> 00:05:14,481 A thousand cars on the turnpike, they find mine. 64 00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:18,235 No, I have to give my vote to the ants. 65 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,946 - Oh, how do you figure that? - You ever see those farms they build? 66 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:23,573 - Oh, yeah. - They build those things without plans. 67 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:28,370 To ants. For all you do, this one's for you. 68 00:05:29,704 --> 00:05:32,290 Hey, Coach, who do you say is the smartest animal? 69 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,585 I gotta say Francis, the talking mule. 70 00:05:38,588 --> 00:05:40,841 No, Coach, I don't think you're catching on here. 71 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:42,926 There was a real guy talking for that mule. 72 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:47,180 It wasn't so much that he could talk, it was what he said, right, Coach? 73 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:51,810 Yeah, that's right. And it was a lot better than that drivel that Mr. Ed was giving us. 74 00:05:52,936 --> 00:05:56,731 - Good point. - Hey, Sam? A gin and bitters. 75 00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:58,441 Hey, everybody, come here. 76 00:05:58,608 --> 00:05:59,985 Don't anybody look suddenly, 77 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:03,446 but there is a guy sitting over there who's a secret agent. 78 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:05,448 - Oh, that's ridiculous. - Come on. Really? 79 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,158 Thanks for being so cool. 80 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:11,496 - You mean, like a spy or something? - You mean, like James Bond? 81 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:14,040 Hey, Norm, Jack, come on. Stakeout time here. 82 00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:18,461 - What makes you think that? - Well, he kind of opened up to me. 83 00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:23,133 I was sitting there talking to him, and he said he thinks I'm sexy. 84 00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,136 They're trained to lie. 85 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:31,683 You know, Diane, he just got back from Ankara, 86 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:36,396 and he says that I'm cuter than any of the Bulgarian girls he saw there. 87 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:40,108 Well, I'm not surprised. Ankara is in Turkey. 88 00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,361 Great. I really wanted to know that. 89 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:47,616 Another fascinating fact from the answer geek. 90 00:06:49,451 --> 00:06:50,660 What's the matter with her? 91 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:53,705 Why are you always doing that? You're always correcting people. 92 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:56,207 - No, I'm not. - Oh, I stand corrected. 93 00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:00,378 - Oh, come on, that doesn't count. - I'm wrong again, Coach. 94 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:04,382 All I said was it doesn't sound like he knows what he's talking about. 95 00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,927 Who in the world would make the mistake of thinking that Ankara 96 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,680 - is in Bulgaria? - Well, Francis wouldn't. 97 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:16,603 If you're a spy, then how come you're sitting with your back to the door? 98 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:21,900 Because I can see the door reflected in your beautiful eyes. 99 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:24,736 That old line. 100 00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:29,157 Your eyes remind me of an etching that I once bought in Norway. 101 00:07:29,824 --> 00:07:32,035 I paid 200 guilders for it. 102 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:34,788 The currency in Norway is the krone. 103 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,415 - Oh, Diane. - If you have a license to kill, 104 00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:39,334 can I use it a second? 105 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,086 - She's right. - She is? 106 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:46,549 Of course. That's how we broke down Norway's economic system. 107 00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:50,762 By infiltrating the government with foreign currency. 108 00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,931 - Is that right? - Oh, Diane? 109 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:56,559 In that way, we undermined the people's confidence 110 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:59,187 in their totalitarian regime. 111 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:03,066 Norway doesn't have a totalitarian regime. 112 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:06,069 Hey! Get it over here! 113 00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:12,075 Pardonnez-moi, I believe my employer craves a word. 114 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:21,751 - You bellowed? - Yes. Yeah, I did. 115 00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,503 What are you trying to do? 116 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:27,966 I don't believe that guy is a spy for one minute. I think he's lying. 117 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:31,594 What? A customer in a bar is telling tall tales 118 00:08:31,761 --> 00:08:35,181 just to impress a cocktail waitress? Call 60 Minutes. 119 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,810 All right. 120 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,896 When you put it that way. The thing is-- 121 00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:43,440 Look, look, listen. 122 00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:46,192 Why do you suppose people come to bars in the first place, huh? 123 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:49,612 Oh, let me take a wild stab at that one. Perchance to drink? 124 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,448 Wrong. Wrong. They could do that at home. 125 00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:54,284 They come here to shoot off their mouths and to get away with it. 126 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:58,788 Listen, in this bar, everybody gets to be a hero. Now, what's the harm? 127 00:09:00,123 --> 00:09:05,420 Sam, any kind of lie is eventually destructive. 128 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:10,508 I was raised and educated to prize truth above all else. 129 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:16,056 This from a woman wearing rubber eyelashes and a padded bra. 130 00:09:18,016 --> 00:09:21,603 - Oh, that's a lie. - I'm gonna need some proof. 131 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,565 Look. Look, all I'm saying is that if this guy 132 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,651 wants to be a spy, humor him, indulge him a little bit. 133 00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,821 - Sam... - Now, come on, what's the big deal? 134 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,491 - Okay, okay, he's a spy. - There you go. 135 00:09:42,832 --> 00:09:44,167 Excuse me. 136 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:50,173 Carla here, she inadvertently blew your cover before... 137 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:52,133 Oh, boy. 138 00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:57,055 So I understand you're in the spy game, huh? 139 00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:01,851 Yes. Sir, what's it like to be a spy? 140 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,939 We swear, not a word you say will ever go beyond this room, right? 141 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,525 We never go beyond this room. 142 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:14,614 Can I really trust you chaps? 143 00:10:14,781 --> 00:10:17,367 Oh, yeah. Sure, trust us. Hey, all right, everybody swear. 144 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:20,703 - Yeah, we swear. - Cross my heart. 145 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,747 What you've got to understand 146 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:26,292 is that we're not all like what we're portrayed in the cinema. 147 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:31,256 We don't think of ourselves as heroes. We're just out there doing a job. 148 00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:34,384 Putting our lives on the line for democracy. 149 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:39,389 Hey, tell us about your most hair-raising mission, huh? 150 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:43,017 Yeah, you ever get betrayed in the sack by a Russian babe? 151 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,188 Let me tell you something about Russian women. 152 00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:50,817 The cold weather makes them very passionate. 153 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:54,487 Lake Wannamucca, here I come. 154 00:10:56,865 --> 00:11:00,326 You asked me about my most exciting adventure. 155 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:05,582 I think of Romania, 1973. 156 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:11,004 Yes, I was captured by the dreaded RPB. 157 00:11:11,921 --> 00:11:14,048 The "ripba." 158 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:18,845 They're every bit as fiendish as you've heard. 159 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:23,183 They even used the infamous twister on me, the devils. 160 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:27,979 - Wait, what's the twister? - It's a ride at Coney island. 161 00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,355 Those animals. 162 00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:33,359 Hey, Diane, why don't you just shut up, huh? 163 00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,237 Carla, he's been lying to you. 164 00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:37,697 - Okay? - No, he hasn't. 165 00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:42,702 You are not a history expert. You majored in poetry. 166 00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:45,205 Tell her you haven't been lying, Eric. 167 00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,960 Hey, tell her you haven't been lying, Eric. 168 00:11:57,508 --> 00:12:00,011 She's absolutely right. 169 00:12:05,308 --> 00:12:07,936 You mean, you've been lying the whole time? 170 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,732 The whole time. 171 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,234 Let me get this straight here. 172 00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,945 Cold weather does not make women passionate? 173 00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:21,449 I'll see Vera in the spring, what the hell. 174 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,286 Why did you lie to us? 175 00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:29,540 Because... 176 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:32,543 ...my life is... 177 00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:38,049 ... very unexciting and it's very dull. 178 00:12:39,342 --> 00:12:41,678 I've been a failure at everything I've ever tried to do. 179 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,513 But, you know, 180 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:48,059 sometimes, late at night, in a friendly bar, 181 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:54,649 I sometimes can make someone believe that I'm interesting. 182 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,987 But you're much too smart for me. 183 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:03,324 You don't need any illusions. 184 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,787 Good night, miss. 185 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,840 Before you say anything, 186 00:13:19,590 --> 00:13:22,135 I would just like you to know that I could not feel any worse 187 00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,012 than I do at this very moment. 188 00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:26,014 So sorry. 189 00:13:26,597 --> 00:13:28,891 I forgot the tip. 190 00:13:30,977 --> 00:13:32,854 Merry Christmas. 191 00:13:36,024 --> 00:13:37,900 Wrong again. 192 00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:53,541 Failed, I blew it. I quit. 193 00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,419 I don't belong in a place like this, and there's no point in arguing. 194 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,670 Who's arguing? 195 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:03,009 I am opinionated, I am stubborn, I am smug. 196 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,596 A little louder. They can't hear you in the back room. 197 00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:11,017 I wouldn't have believed it, but I'm a total washout as a cocktail waitress. 198 00:14:11,225 --> 00:14:13,728 - I don't belong here. - Stay in touch, kid. 199 00:14:13,895 --> 00:14:18,066 - Carla. - Diane. Diane, please, listen. 200 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:20,985 I don't know exactly what's going on here, 201 00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:23,196 but it looks like you booted a grounder, right? 202 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:26,491 - Right. - You know what I used to say 203 00:14:26,657 --> 00:14:29,243 to one of my ballplayers when he made a mental error? 204 00:14:29,911 --> 00:14:33,039 - What? - Nothing. That's why I got fired. 205 00:14:35,750 --> 00:14:38,836 Diane, come back. Wait, come back here. Come back here. 206 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:42,006 Look, you made a mistake, that's all. Now make up for it. 207 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:45,385 Go find the poor guy. Bring him back here and apologize. 208 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,095 Well, that's a wonderful idea, 209 00:14:47,261 --> 00:14:48,930 but I wouldn't know where to begin to look for him. 210 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:53,059 Well, I think your British Embassy could probably help you there. 211 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:56,062 Yeah, I've got a pretty good ear for dialects, 212 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,940 and my instincts tell me limey. 213 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,363 His name is Eric Finch. 214 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,658 All right, I'll do it. 215 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,580 I am going to comb this city. 216 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:17,291 I'll look everywhere. Every hotel, every restaurant, 217 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,586 every cheap dive. I'm going to find this man or die trying. 218 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,463 Excuse me. 219 00:15:23,214 --> 00:15:24,382 Look who's back. 220 00:15:25,049 --> 00:15:26,134 I... 221 00:15:27,009 --> 00:15:29,470 I just came back to try and explain to you why I did what I did. 222 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:31,722 - No, come on. - Don't be silly. 223 00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:34,559 Yes, Mr. Finch, come on, will you? 224 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,145 Everybody in the bar exaggerates a little. 225 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:40,314 Sure. For example, I'm not really this good-looking. 226 00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:44,735 Come on, everybody in bars tell stories. 227 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,238 You just got a little carried away there, that's all. 228 00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,032 - That's right. - I'm afraid I'm the victim 229 00:15:50,199 --> 00:15:54,245 of a sort of over active imagination. 230 00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:58,082 You see, when you spend 12 hours a day 231 00:15:58,249 --> 00:16:02,587 in a room alone writing, writing, writing, you... 232 00:16:02,753 --> 00:16:05,298 Sometimes you just lose touch with reality. 233 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:09,093 So I'm awfully sorry, and I beg your pardon and good night. 234 00:16:09,260 --> 00:16:12,054 No, no, no. You write? 235 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:15,349 Yes. Mostly verse. 236 00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:19,103 - Farewell. - Wait, you write poetry? 237 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,772 I'd love to hear some. 238 00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:23,566 We all would. 239 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:26,611 - Oh, yes, yes. - Yes, absolutely. 240 00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:34,327 You know, it's not often we have a guy in here who can write poetry. 241 00:16:34,494 --> 00:16:38,831 We got a guy in the men's room, Sam, that writes some terrific stuff. 242 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,669 - Gin and bitters, right? - Yes. Thank you very much. 243 00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:45,505 - Are you published? - Oh, no, no. 244 00:16:45,671 --> 00:16:49,467 I don't even send my stuff in. I'm not really very good. 245 00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:53,888 Oh, don't be silly. You let me be the judge of that. I majored in poetry. 246 00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:55,932 I thought you majored in philosophy. 247 00:16:56,599 --> 00:17:01,812 No, it was psychology, but that was before literature and after French. 248 00:17:02,480 --> 00:17:04,607 No, no, no that was after art history. 249 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,234 And before anthropology. 250 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,028 Oh, no, no, we're forgetting Indian studies here. 251 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:16,827 - And Manchurian folk dancing. - All right. 252 00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:22,917 At any rate, I would love to see some of your work. 253 00:17:23,584 --> 00:17:26,754 Well, I just don't have anything with me at the moment except 254 00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:30,758 - it's all in here. And here. - I must hear one. 255 00:17:31,133 --> 00:17:32,260 - Really? - Yes. 256 00:17:32,593 --> 00:17:36,055 All right, well, I'll try something. Let's see, how did that go? 257 00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:41,561 She I love (alas in vain!) 258 00:17:41,727 --> 00:17:45,189 Floats before my slumbering eyes 259 00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:48,234 And when she comes She lulls my pain 260 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:53,197 And when she goes What pangs arise 261 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:58,494 - My God, that's lovely. - I kind of liked it. 262 00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:03,749 - What do you think there, Sir Norm? - I think it'll look great up on the tiles. 263 00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,253 Mr. Finch, I am awestruck. 264 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,257 - Me too. It's great. - Please, tell us more. 265 00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,634 Well, maybe not so soon after the first one. 266 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,886 Give us a little chance to rub down the goose bumps. 267 00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:22,184 This is a night I will never forget. 268 00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:26,814 It so happens that I am on speaking terms 269 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,567 with one of the poetry editors at The Atlantic Monthly. 270 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:32,361 - Really? - Yes, he spoke at my college once. 271 00:18:32,528 --> 00:18:35,156 I'm going to call him and tell him about you. 272 00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,491 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 273 00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,202 Hey, aren't you getting a little carried away here? 274 00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:43,414 May I have the phone? Yes. And loving it. 275 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,250 Humoring the guy is one thing. 276 00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:48,836 I mean, he can have all the fantasies he wants in my bar, 277 00:18:49,003 --> 00:18:51,422 but don't you think you're going a little too far to make him feel good? 278 00:18:51,672 --> 00:18:55,593 Sam, the poem that he wrote is excellent. 279 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,303 Scratch a liar, find a poet. 280 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,263 No, no, no. So he memorized one. What's that prove? 281 00:18:59,972 --> 00:19:04,435 Sam, we are now in my area of expertise. 282 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,938 When we want to talk about poetry, we come to me. 283 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:11,400 When we want to talk about jock itch, we come to you. 284 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:13,069 Don't say that. 285 00:19:14,403 --> 00:19:16,989 Yes, may I speak to him, please? This is Diane Chambers. 286 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,743 He's chatting with John Updike? 287 00:19:20,910 --> 00:19:22,703 Well, interrupt. 288 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:26,415 No, I'm not kidding. I have something that is going to make John Updike 289 00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,001 seem like pretty small pommes de terre. 290 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,962 - Diane, I wouldn't do this if I were you. - Yes, I'll wait. 291 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,590 Would you leave me alone, please? 292 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:38,594 Mr. Finch, he really should hear this directly from you. 293 00:19:38,761 --> 00:19:40,805 Will you come over, please? 294 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:44,266 What is your best work? 295 00:19:44,433 --> 00:19:47,770 Well, there's a little something that I dashed off this morning 296 00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,772 - I'm sort of proud of. - Wonderful. 297 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,775 Yes, hello, my name is Diane Chamber-- 298 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:56,779 Yes, I know you're very busy, but I have a wonderful surprise for you. 299 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:59,031 Please, will you just listen for a moment? 300 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,784 First alert, Cliff ie. Strap yourself in, pal. 301 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:03,953 Dive! Dive! 302 00:20:09,625 --> 00:20:12,920 Excuse me, we are about to make literary history here. 303 00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:16,966 Hello? 304 00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:23,180 My heart is like a singing bird 305 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,891 Whose nest is in the watered shoot 306 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,685 Now that's a poet. 307 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:31,355 Thank you. My heart is like an apple tree 308 00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:34,608 Whose bough is bent With thickset fruit 309 00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,820 - My heart is like a rainbow shell - My heart is like a rainbow shell 310 00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:41,198 - That paddles on a halcyon sea - That paddles in a halcyon sea 311 00:20:41,365 --> 00:20:44,285 My heart is gladder than All these things 312 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,746 Because my love Has come to me 313 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:52,877 The nuns taught us that in school. I get tears just remembering. 314 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:57,173 - No fooling? Tears? - Yeah. They used to whack us with their beads. 315 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:02,678 Yes, Rossetti, you're right. 316 00:21:04,013 --> 00:21:06,390 Thank you for settling that bet, wonderful. 317 00:21:06,557 --> 00:21:09,643 Now, to whom could I speak about a subscription I--? 318 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:15,483 I don't believe this guy. I mean, you cannot believe a word 319 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,860 that comes out of his mouth. 320 00:21:18,027 --> 00:21:21,655 You know, if you could fix TVs and crack walnuts on your forehead, 321 00:21:21,822 --> 00:21:24,033 you could be my ex-husband. 322 00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:29,580 Mr. Finch, or whatever, I don't know what your real story is 323 00:21:29,872 --> 00:21:33,167 and believe me, the last thing I want is for you to tell me. 324 00:21:33,501 --> 00:21:36,378 But I want to thank you for entertaining us here tonight. 325 00:21:36,545 --> 00:21:38,839 I'm really glad you came. 326 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,591 Thank you very much, Sam. 327 00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:42,802 My real name is Thomas Hilliard III. 328 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:44,595 Well, whatever. 329 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,641 You know, you have a very charming saloon here. 330 00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,559 Well, thank you. I'm glad you like it. 331 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:53,771 And to show you how much I like it, 332 00:21:53,938 --> 00:21:55,105 I'd like to buy it. 333 00:21:58,692 --> 00:22:00,611 How much is it worth to you, Sam? 334 00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:04,114 This guy's not gonna give up. Wait, wait, wait. Let me guess, let me guess. 335 00:22:04,281 --> 00:22:08,160 You are an eccentric millionaire who hangs around bars 336 00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:11,789 and tells stories about himself just so he can have fun with the people, right? 337 00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:15,042 Kind of like Howard Hughes, eh, Mr. Hilliard? 338 00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:18,212 Please don't mention that name. He died owing me money. 339 00:22:23,092 --> 00:22:24,927 You... 340 00:22:25,094 --> 00:22:29,348 - Well, Sam, how much? - Well, gee, this is kind of sudden. 341 00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:33,936 Let's see, I guess what, 20, 30 people come through the doors every night. 342 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:35,938 One million dollars seems fair to me. 343 00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:38,482 - You've got it. - Hey, hey, Sammy, 344 00:22:38,649 --> 00:22:42,152 - I think you're forgetting the jukebox. - He's right. I'm sorry. Two million. 345 00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:47,449 I think you're taking advantage of me, Sam. 346 00:22:49,994 --> 00:22:54,790 Hey, look at me, everybody. Scratch a bartender, find a millionaire. 347 00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:56,834 - This is not funny anymore. - Oh, stop it. 348 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:59,795 I was right about him from the start. He's a sick, sick man 349 00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:02,840 with a very warped sense of humor. He doesn't care who he hurts. 350 00:23:03,007 --> 00:23:04,049 I won't take it anymore. 351 00:23:04,216 --> 00:23:06,677 - He's a pathological liar. - Oh, Diane, that's silly. 352 00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:10,764 Excuse me, Mr. Hilliard. 353 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,809 Oh, my... 354 00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:14,852 ...God. 355 00:23:15,019 --> 00:23:18,063 I just wanted to let you know I'm here with the car. 356 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,857 Thank you, Robert. I'm ready to go. 357 00:23:22,651 --> 00:23:25,571 I'm sorry we couldn't do business, Sam. 358 00:23:25,738 --> 00:23:28,490 A million and a half, and I'll throw in a blond waitress. 359 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,912 Those papers you've been waiting for have arrived from Geneva, sir. 360 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:35,497 Good, I'll sign them on the plane. 361 00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:43,964 - Hey, get that piece over there. - I got it, I got it. 362 00:23:44,131 --> 00:23:47,885 Oh, Sam. Will you ever be able to forgive me? 363 00:23:48,052 --> 00:23:50,054 Oh, come on. I'd never sell this place. 364 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:53,015 - Hey, I got the date. - Wait a minute, this is a decimal point. 365 00:23:53,182 --> 00:23:57,895 I've never felt so abused. I was wrong every step of the way. 366 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:00,147 I thought he was lying when he was telling the truth. 367 00:24:00,314 --> 00:24:02,524 I thought he was telling the truth when he was lying. 368 00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:07,029 From now on I will not believe anything anybody says on any subject. 369 00:24:07,196 --> 00:24:09,239 Oh, come on, you don't mean that. You serious? 370 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:10,449 You bet I am. 371 00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:13,494 You know, I think I'm falling in love with you. 372 00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:16,038 Really?