- Hello, everyone. - Hey, Diane.
I am in a wonderful mood today.
I spent the weekend at an Indian film festival.
It left me euphoric.
Oh, I love Indian films. I mean, I remember Fort Apache.
Just thinking about it makes the hair on my arms go up.
- Look, there they go. - No, no, Coach... No, no.
We're not talking about American Indians.
Hey, hey, hey, I can make the hair on my arms stand up anytime I want.
See?
- Wow, Carla. - Hey, you think that's something?
Cathy Settudicato, my best friend at Saint Clete's,
belched the whole 23rd Psalm at the talent show once.
That's good, but I knew this guy once, Randy Evans, first baseman,
he could make his eyeballs vibrate. I always wanted to be able to do that.
Randy Evans? Who'd he play for?
I think he spent most of his career with the Cleveland Indians.
Speaking of Indians, do you remember Fort Apache?
Just thinking of it...
Those bumps, whoa!
- Hi, Sam, Coach. - Hey, how are you, Marshall?
Hi, Marshall. How's everything at school?
Oh, fine.
Could I have a beer, please?
Of course, Marshall.
Hey, Marshall. Good to see you, sexy.
- Hi, Carla. - So how you doing, huh?
My uric acid is up to 7.5.
That explains that twinkle in your eye.
Diane. Diane.
This is Marshall. Marshall, Diane.
- Hi, Marshall. - You're gonna love this kid, Diane.
Very smart. Teaches at a college.
MIT.
See, he can spell good too.
Marshall teaches one of those subjects I know nothing about.
Could you narrow that down just a bit?
- I'm in cybernetics. - Right, cybernetics.
Listen, the more we learn about cybers,
the better we'll be able to control them. Right?
Why did you get into computers, Marshall?
Well, I enjoy integrating formerly unassociated
supporting elements to maximize a probability ratio
by functionally interweaving the input data.
Hey, hey, watch it, Marshall. I'm heating up.
Marshall can make his computer do incredible things.
Gets it to write poetry, play games. Even makes predictions.
- Elections, sports. - Sounds like fun.
You...
You got any hot tips for us there, Marshall?
The Celtics will lose today.
Watch your tongue, Marshall.
No, let me show you. Take a look at this.
Can't argue with that, Sam.
You see, this shows correlation
between the Celtics' win-loss record
and the relative activity of the Van Allen radiation belt.
Isn't that the one that Buster Crabbe wears on TV, Sam?
I know it sounds a little crazy, but just by coincidence,
I noticed that the days the belt is in a state of flux,
the Celtics are always beaten.
Are you sure about this?
I mean, your computer wouldn't be pulling your leg, would it?
Oh, no, my computer never kids, Sam.
He appreciates a good joke, but he never tells one.
Do you mind if I borrow this for a while?
- Oh, sure. - Thanks.
- I have to go now. - Yeah.
So long, Marshall.
- Goodbye. See you, Carla. - Hey, hey.
Don't break too many hearts now, Marshall.
I get around you, and my testosterone goes up 78 percent.
Do you really find me attractive?
Hey, I love a stylish guy.
You got the new wet look, you know?
Your hair, your palms...
- Coach? - Yeah.
When was the last time you had a sure thing?
Rosie McGonagal.
No, no, no. Coach,
I'm talking about betting against the Celtics.
Sam, you can't do that.
Come on, Marshall's never wrong.
But we never betted against a Boston team before, Sam.
- We've never done anything like that. - I kn... I know, I know, I know.
Sam, you better think hard about this.
I mean, all of our customers will turn against us.
- I know. They'd never forgive us. - Forgive us?
They'd hate us for the rest of our lives.
But, of course, we're not gonna live forever, are we?
I'll get it down.
Hey, Sam, Sam. Sam, you can't let any of the boys know about this.
- Hey... - It's gotta be quiet.
I can't even remember what we were talking about, Coach.
Sam, we were talking about betting against the Celtics.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Thanks.
- Thanks. - I worry about him.
- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!
- Norman. - What's doing, Norm?
Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst.
I happen to be the guinea pig.
- Boy. - Rough day, Norm?
Yeah, Vera read a woman's magazine over the weekend.
Article says you gotta put romance back in the marriage.
- You're in trouble. - Yeah.
So she says I gotta act like we're courting, right?
I got to call her up for a date, buy her flowers,
- take her someplace fancy. - Well, that sounds good.
- Yeah, I'm a romantic guy.
So I go down to the corner and use the pay phone,
call her up. She turns me down.
Who needs this? Who needs it?
Hey, it's game time, Sammy.
Turn on that set, pour me a beer, and let's start dribbling.
What do you say?
Hey, how you doing, Coach?
Now...
Cheers.
Diane's busy at the moment. Can I say who's calling?
Her mother? Oh, well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Chambers.
I'm Sam Malone.
Yeah, she mentioned me, huh?
No, no, I'm not scratching myself at the moment.
Yeah, hold on a second. I'll get her for you.
Diane, it's your mother.
Take it from me, you're not adopted.
Thank you.
Mommy?
What?
Oh, no.
No.
I'll be all right.
I'll call you back later, okay?
Elizabeth is dead.
Oh, gee, Diane, that's awful.
Member of your family?
Elizabeth Barrett Browning.
She was our family cat.
A cat?
You scared us, Diane.
You should've said that right off the bat, Diane.
Diane, you spend a lot of time with the cat?
Well,
since I left home, I've only seen her during the holidays.
Too bad.
All right, we got tip-off time here.
- Hey. - Hey, not bad.
What is that? What?
Can I have another beer, please?
Yo, Diane, you working or what? Come on.
All right, come on, now.
- Right there. There he goes. - Easy. Right there.
- Hey. - I am sorry to interrupt,
but I have something important to say.
Since I have been here,
I have struggled to make certain changes in myself
in order to fit into the general milieu.
- And you're doing a very good job. - It has not been easy.
However, I am proud to say that, for example,
I no longer have to cover my eyes when I watch a hockey fight.
In one case, I even took sides.
But now,
in my moment of crisis,
it is glaringly apparent that no one here
has made any effort to understand my sensibilities.
No, no... This is me.
Diane.
There's something my father used to say when we had a death in the family.
Maybe it'll help.
He'd say,
"Sprinkle the ashes,
all that tangibly remains of our dear one,
but thank God for the intangibles,
the impact of his life on ours."
We remember the smile,
frown,
the quizzical look.
Oh, the love, the courage...
Hey, the commercial's over now.
The fun times, the hurt, the fun, the moments of searching,
risk, affirmation and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Come on! Go Celtics! Go!
Hey, sorry I'm late. The Celtics start without me?
Yeah, they did, Jack.
- They're losing without him too. - How we doing?
Down nine with a minute and change.
We can still pull this out, right, Coachie?
Oh, sure, Norm.
I wish I had some money on the Celtics.
Don't you wish you had some money on the Celtics, Sam?
Go wait on somebody, huh, Coach?
A good idea. I will go wait on somebody.
Miss.
I'm all by myself. I only ordered one beer.
Well, didn't I see you with some other people before?
I was here last night with some people, but they're not with me tonight.
Oh, I see.
They're all gone.
Well, everything in life comes and goes, huh?
Things that matter the most to us are taken away
when we can least afford to lose them.
And in the end, everything we strive for comes to nothing.
- I'll take away the extra beers. - No.
Suddenly I'm in the mood for all of them.
Hey, hey, hey, Vampira. Come on, get to work here.
Oh, Carla, could we talk for a minute?
I really need to talk to somebody.
Carla, please.
Have you ever lost a pet? Have you ever had a pet?
Are you kidding me?
I've been through it 1,000 times with the kids.
Goldfish, parakeets, turtles.
No, no, no.
A cat is different.
Yeah, you can't flush a cat.
Carla, I know you're not going to believe this, but I do admire you.
I believe it.
You are so tough.
You keep your head up no matter what.
How do you do that?
Well, I'll tell you, Diane.
You see, I always look on the bright side.
I mean, no matter how lousy a situation is,
I can always find something in it to make me happy.
What good could you possibly say about a loved one dying?
It ain't me.
Yes, that's ten unanswered points! We still got time!
- Yeah, come on! - Yeah, terrific.
Yeah, terrific.
Swish! Larry Bird did another one!
Another one already, huh?
We're only down by three!
Come on, now... Shoot the inbound pass!
Three seconds! Shoot it!
All right, come on there.
Damn, he missed!
All right!
It was a heartbreaker in the closing seconds tonight at Boston Garden...
Pitcher's elbow.
Sometimes I lose control of it
during intense moments of sorrow.
Coach,
I think maybe if I went out and got a breath of fresh air,
it might fight back these tears. You wanna join me?
- No, I feel terrific, Sam. - Join me, Coach.
Oh, yeah, I do feel a cry coming on.
Right.
Yeah, boy, they're really taking it hard, huh?
Did you ever lose a pet?
Like an animal?
- No, no. - Yeah.
I never had a pet, Diane, but my grandfather had a dog
that I loved very much.
Oh, what did you call him?
Grandpa.
I meant the dog.
Oh, the dog. Bruno.
What happened to him?
He fell down in the bathtub and died.
I meant the dog.
So did I.
My grandfather, the poor old guy, got run over by a bus.
You know something, Diane?
Nobody's ever listened to my story before,
and it's good to get it off your chest, you know?
If ever I can be there for you, Diane,
just let me know, and I'll be there.
- Well, actually... - Excuse me, Diane.
- Jack Daniel's. - Thank you.
Miss? Miss?
I ordered this on the rocks.
No. No.
Look, it's not that bad.
It's not that bad, really. Sweetheart, it's no problem, really.
Look, I'm sorry.
I like it this way. Look, look.
Good. Good.
Darling... Miss? Miss? Here's a tip for you.
Thank you.
Five bucks for a couple of tears?
And I can't believe you're that upset over an animal dying.
Well, you obviously have never had a pet yourself.
Yeah... I have too.
- What? - I had a dog.
Cutest little guy. Floppy ears, big eyes.
I remember I used to take him for a walk every morning.
Great way to meet women.
So you loved this dog because you could use him as a come-on?
Oh, no.
Well, you probably don't even remember his name.
Well, sure I do. It was Fluffy.
Or Buffy or something.
Or was that one of the girls he helped me to meet?
I can't recall.
Oh, come on. What is it you want?
I wanted a little sympathy.
Well, why didn't you say so?
Sam, there are subtleties of expression.
I have been saying so all day with the look in my eye,
the knit of my brow, the set of my posture.
Well, how come you just don't use words?
No.
No, I'm gonna sympathize.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Tell me about your cat.
- I don't wanna talk about it. - Well, tough.
Well,
I was...
...pretty lonely as a child.
I wasn't close to anyone in my family.
My father traveled frequently,
and my mother was incredibly social.
So Elizabeth was my closest friend and confidante.
That cat could really keep a secret.
- That's good in a cat. - Yeah.
Well, she was the only one in my life who was always there.
When everybody else was mad at me, she always liked me.
When I'd hide when my parents argued, she'd come with me,
and whenever I was sick,
she never left my bed until I was well again.
And then...
...when I was...
...12 years old, my parents separated.
It was maybe the worst night of my life.
Believe it or not, I actually thought about throwing myself in the lake.
But then I...
...looked down at this cat in my lap, and I thought,
"Well, who would take care of Elizabeth?"
She saved my life that night.
And I know it's crazy and it's irrational, but...
Oh, Sam, I can't help thinking that last night when her time came,
she must've wondered where I was.
Sam, you're crying.
No, I'm not.
Yes, you are.
Your eyes are all red, and your nose is running.
I'm allergic to cat stories.
I can't believe this.
Oh, Sam, this is so sweet.
You poor kid.
Wait.
What are we doing?
We're sharing our grief.
Sam, this doesn't feel like sharing grief.
Well, grief's kind of a tricky thing.
- What do you say we get back to it? - Sam,
you're exploiting this whole situation, and it just doesn't feel right to me.
What are you talk... Exploiting?
We got caught up in some really wonderful emotions just now,
and I would hate to see that turned into something sexual.
What are you accusing me of here?
I'm not accusing you of anything.
I would just like to know why this is happening.
What difference does it make why it's happening?
Look, we're helpless.
I mean, we're swept away. What else can we do?
Sam.
You have never been helpless where women are involved.
Oh, jeez.
Your problem is that the only way you can relate to women is sexually.
Oh, well, you wanna know what your problem is?
You always gotta think about things. You always gotta talk about things.
I mean, what are we doing this for? What does it mean?
What are we gonna do? That makes me so mad!
An unexamined life is not worth living.
You know, while we're talking about problems,
you wanna know what really, really bugs me about you?
- Fine. - The way you eat pretzels.
- Pretzels? - Yeah, that's right.
Three bites. Not two, not one like the rest of us, but three bites.
Do you wanna know what bugs me about you?
- Oh, I'd love to. What? - The cologne you always wear
is totally without nuance.
- Oh, my God! - Yes.
Well, that must explain all the laughter behind my back, huh?
I don't know why I ever try to talk to you.
Every conversation we've ever had is an ordeal.
Then let's not have any more.
- What do you say? - Fine.
I'll tell you something else.
You won't catch me trying to come on to you again.
You're right, you won't.
Hey, we agree on something, don't we?
No, no.
I think we agree on one other thing.
That I am getting the hell out of here.
Two things. Diane?
- What? - Wait.
- What is it? - I'm sorry about your cat.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- I'll see you tomorrow. - All right.