Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Remember the day I said this, "You are the nuttiest, the stupidest,
the phoniest fruitcake I ever met."
You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered--
- Shut up. Shut your fat mouth. - Make me.
Make you?
I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office.
Try it, and you'll be walking funny tomorrow.
Or should I say, funnier?
You know-- You know, I always wanted to pop you one.
Maybe this is my lucky day, huh?
You disgust me. I hate you.
- Are you as turned on as I am? - More.
Bet me.
Sure got quiet in there all of a sudden.
You don't think he killed her?
No. Even in death she wouldn't be that quiet.
What do you think they're doing in there if they're not fighting?
Well, isn't it nice that for once we're not fighting?
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Let's go someplace.
Someplace where we can feel free to express what we're feeling right now.
Great. How about the couch?
The couch.
Well, who said we always had to be serious?
- Oh, will you stop joking. - Well...
I wanna go someplace intimate, someplace...
...romantic.
Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Romantic, yeah.
My apartment?
- Your apartment? - There I go again.
- No, I think that's a good idea. - Well, that's why I said it.
Yes, your apartment.
The place you spend half your life, and I've never even seen it.
That seems so right.
I think you're gonna like it.
I'll give you my...
My famous guided tour...
...starting in the bedroom...
...and ending in heaven.
- Come on. - Okay.
- Oh, Sam. - What, what?
I've changed my mind.
No, no. No, I mean about your apartment. I'm sorry.
I know you're gonna think I'm overly sensitive,
but, Sam, you've been with a lot of women.
No, I have not. There have not been that many women.
That gets exaggerated here in the bar.
There haven't been that many, really.
How many have there been?
Well, I don't know, maybe, four hun--
Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys.
Maybe that's more than my share, but it's all behind me now.
Well, see, that's what I mean.
I wanna be special.
I wanna go someplace where you've never been with any other woman.
Well, all right. Okay, that's easy enough.
Like where?
How about a hotel?
Oh, yeah, that's great. That's great.
But one you've never been with anyone else.
Well, all right. All right. Fine.
That's easy.
Okay, hotels, hotels.
Hey, there we go.
Nope.
Well, I'll be darned.
- Forget it. - Come on. We're being silly here.
Why don't we--? Why don't we go to your place, huh?
Well, I guess that could be all right.
- Oh, great, great. - Oh, wait, wait.
Sam, it's so filthy.
Oh, no, no. It doesn't have to be, not if we care about each other.
No, I mean my apartment.
I haven't straightened it up for days.
I don't care about that kind of thing.
It doesn't matter as long as we're together.
It doesn't matter where we are.
Oh, Sam, that's beautiful.
We're not talking pigsty, are we?
No, of course not.
All right, then. All right. Come on.
- Okay, okay. - Oh, boy.
She better be great.
I know that you must be curious about what Sam and I were talking about.
We wanna be totally honest with you.
It is said that fools rush in where wise men fear to tread,
but the heart has a wisdom of its own.
And Sam and I have decided to traverse the fall line of our aloneness.
- What's she talking about, Sammy? - I don't know.
Does this have to do with what we were talking about?
Of course.
Diane and I decided we're gonna start messing around.
There you go.
- Great. - So we'll see you all later, huh?
There you go.
Wait, wait.
I feel damned by faint praise.
- What's wrong? - What do you mean, "What's wrong?"
- Nothing's wrong. - No.
You don't seem very happy about our announcement.
Well, you know, Diane,
- it's just kind of sudden. - Sudden.
It just happening kind of fast.
Yeah, we wish you all the luck in the world.
Yeah. It won't be enough.
Oh, no, no.
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking that Sam and I have different backgrounds,
ambitions, dreams. Well, let me tell you.
We have one thing very much in common.
I got it. They were both born brunette.
No.
We have a willingness to be vulnerable to one another.
I think I see a trip to Ye Olde Leash and Leather shop coming up.
I am sorry that you're all so cynical that you can't accept Sam and me.
Well, it doesn't bother us. We believe in us.
- Right, Sam? - Yeah, you bet.
It's gonna be great. We're gonna have a lot of fun.
I may have to work a little harder on this one,
but it's gonna be worth it.
- Thank you, Sam. - You're welcome.
Now, if you will excuse us,
we are going to go out and begin our lives together.
There's more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your beer mugs.
What did you mean you're gonna have to work a little harder on this one?
It was off the top of my head. I didn't mean anything.
Well, I think they might have misunderstood.
No, I'm sure they understood exactly what...
Thanks for picking the flowers for me in the park, Sam.
Well, thank you for paying the fine.
We make a good team, huh?
So, what do you think of my place?
Very nice. This the bedroom?
Nice?
I want you to know that I'm putting a lot of energy
into the decorating of this place.
- Well, it shows. Where's the light? - Oh, it's over by the bed.
Oh, I think I just stepped on your cat.
Oh, my God. I think I just killed it.
No, my mistake. I just stepped on your giraffe.
Oh, Mr. Jammers.
This place is lousy with stuffed animals.
They're not stuffed animals. They're my friends.
Let me introduce you. Now, Mr. Jammers you've met.
And over here we have Freddy Frogbottom.
You named all these silly things?
Don't call them silly.
Mr. Buzzer will sting you.
Mr. Buzzer? Don't tell me. Let me guess.
That must be the bee, right?
Boy, this is definitely weird, Diane.
That is exactly what's wrong with you.
- What's wrong with me? - Yes.
I should've known that you wouldn't have any imagination about this.
No sense of whimsy. You're so earthbound, so uninspired.
I can't believe you're making such a big deal out of this.
Sam Malone, those animals happen to be a part of me.
Now, why can't you just indulge that without--?
- What are you doing? - I'm taking my pants off.
Why?
Well, not to give Mr. Buzzer a target.
We're arguing. We're having a fight.
How could you take your pants off when we've having a fight?
It's not gonna last all night.
I don't wanna be overdressed when it ends.
Get out of here. Get out of my apartment.
- You want me to leave? - I demand that you leave.
Well, let me just tell you a little rule I have.
Mr. Malone takes his pants off.
He doesn't put them back on again until he finishes business.
Bet me.
Diane, would you please ju--
Would you give me a break and let me put my--
You are despicable.
I never wanna look at your fat, ugly face again.
Get out.
Come on. I'm losing the mood here, Diane.
You're gonna lose a lot more than that.
Hey, just wait a second.
You wanna know the truth?
It wasn't four women, it was 400 women, easy.
- They'd have to be. - Damn.
You know what I was just thinking?
Most of the guys that, you know, I broke into the majors with,
they're all gone now.
You mean, gone to the great beyond, Coach?
No, Alan. Dead.
I can't understand it, you know.
You wonder-- You're born, you grow up, you die.
Is that the end? Is that it?
Well, you know, there's various theories about an afterlife, Coach.
Well, you know, millions believe in reincarnation.
You mean, like, when you come back as a chicken?
Well, not necessarily as a chicken, Coach.
The Hindus believe that what you come back as
depends on your behavior in this life.
You know, if you led a good life, you'll come back in an elevated state.
Like Colorado.
No, Coach, more like a king or a prince.
You know, conversely, if you've not led a good life,
you'll come back in a more, you know, lowly condition.
Last time out I must've made a real ass out of myself.
I figure if you're dead, you're dead, and that's what it should be.
This idea of living forever doesn't appeal to me.
Yeah, I can see why, Paul.
- Oh, hey, Sam. - Sam.
Sammy, what do you think about death, huh?
Too good for her.
I don't wanna talk to anyone.
I mean that.
- I knew it. - Yeah, we told them so, huh?
- Had to happen. - They wouldn't listen to us.
Forget it, will you, Norm?
There's something wrong with Sam and Diane.
Oh, Coach, we're talking about Sam and Diane.
Oh, we are? Well, that's better.
- It's none of our business. - I think we ought to do something about it.
We didn't exactly give them our blessings when they left here.
You get right down to it, everybody deserves a chance.
Fellas, I think we owe Sam an apology here.
I'm gonna have a little chat with Sammy.
Norm, he made it clear that he doesn't wanna be disturbed.
He didn't mean me. Sammy and I are pals. We're tight.
Sure.
Sammy. Norm.
Get the hell out of here.
You bet, buddy.
That was inspiring, Norm.
- I'm sorry. - No, we're sorry.
No, we're all just a little sorry about what we said about you and Diane.
- No, no. - You're no worse a match than anybody else.
Any two people are gonna be a long shot.
You're right, Sammy. You know, long shots come in some time,
- and maybe this one will. - No, no, you guys were right.
I must've lost my mind there for a minute.
Tell you, though, the old Sam Malone is back, boys, ready for action.
You know what, I'm gonna grab the first woman that comes by
and I'm gonna go crazy.
Yeah, Carla, what is it?
Nothing.
Yeah, I tell you, it feels good to be finally, you know, rid of her.
Coach, let me have a soda here. I tell you, things are gonna be
a lot more the way they used to be around here than they ever were.
Glad to hear you say that, Sam.
- You're gonna be the better man for it. - You bet.
Hey, Coach, you're not buying this, are you?
Buying it? Carla, I'm not even following it.
Hey, Carla, I mean it.
Oh, yeah. I believe you, Sammy. I do.
But, you know, I could tell you how to get Diane back.
Tell you what, if you're interested, I'll be down at the end of the bar here.
Well, it's gotta be good for a laugh, huh?
How?
Women have always come pretty easy to you, Sammy.
Now, you have finally got yourself a toughie.
Let me tell you how to handle her.
Now, I don't care what we women say
when we get dressed up and go on the Phil Donahue Show.
Every woman wants to be controlled.
Even your Miss Egghead there.
Women like power, Sammy. Raw, naked power.
The reason I stayed with Nick so long was because he had power.
Sure, he was a gentleman sometimes.
Like, he would take me out
to a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant.
They'd call our number, and he'd go get it.
But once we got behind that bedroom door, Sammy,
he called the shots.
She's right, Sam.
You know, one time I had to get tough with Vera, really lay down the law.
The next night I came home, she was waiting for me
wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap bikini.
I haven't been able to look at a sandwich since.
You know, you're right.
I mean, I have let her have her way every step in this relationship.
She is, she is. She's leading me around by the nose.
- That's what I said. - She's not gonna do it anymore.
She has picked the wrong guy to have a power play with.
She'll love it.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell little Miss Chambers
that there's a time to put up, and there's a time to shut up.
And this is the time for her to put up and shut up.
- She'll have him for breakfast. - He's a goner.
Oh, he's dead in the water.
So tell me, where did you get a tan like that?
Were you in the sun or something?
My tan? What are you talking about?
- Look at your tan. - Yeah, I love the sun.
You know, I couldn't live where there wasn't any sun.
Oh, I know. I don't know how prisoners stand it.
Diane, open up.
Go away, Sam.
I'm meditating.
Now, open the door, Diane. I have something I wanna say.
Oh, Sam, how much more evidence do you need
that we were not made in heaven?
We turn into idiots in each other's company.
The difference in your case is barely perceptible,
but it's starting to bother me.
Diane, open the door. It's the last time I'm gonna tell you.
Well, who the hell do you think you are?
I'm Sam Malone, and that was your last warning.
What are you doing?
Sam, stop it.
Well, now you've done it. Yes, you broke my door.
You're gonna pay for that, ape.
Ape. Oh, I like that.
Yeah, I like that. Ape.
You know, you are gonna pay for a lot of things.
Now, get in that bedroom, woman.
Okay.
Sam,
would you give me a minute to slip into something flimsy?
Yeah, sure.
Diane?
Yes?
You--? You talking to somebody in there?
Oh, I'm on the phone, Sam. Just a second.
You're making a telephone call?
- Who did you call? - I was calling the police.
Would you like some coffee while we wait?
You were calling the police? Why?
Well, if you're gonna act like a marauding Hun,
you have to expect to be treated like one.
You take cream, right?
Yeah, but no, no...
Wait a minute. Are you serious?
You called the cops on me?
Well, yes, I'm completely serious.
I've got fresh ground but I think it might take a little time.
They said they'd be right over.
No, look. Hey, come on, wait a second.
I mean, I'm not doing anything here.
Sam, you broke into my apartment. I have the evidence.
You know, you're a loon, that's what you are. You're crazy.
I'm getting the hell out of here.
Oh, you have to run, huh?
Well, I'll just call the police and give them your address.
You--
You make me so mad sometimes.
- I'd like to take your face and just-- - Excuse me.
Be very careful what you say.
It could be used against you in a court of law.
So, what's the final verdict on the coffee?
What--? What are you doing to me, Diane?
I'm losing my mind here.
I mean, the first time I saw you, I said to myself,
"Now, that, that could be the woman who's gonna make me happy
for the rest of my life."
And now, I'd be happy just to stay out of jail.
You make me sorry I was ever born.
- Oh, God. - Sam, I know how you feel.
Don't let them take me away, huh?
Sam, I think the important thing here
is that we've both learned something tonight.
You've learned that violence and hostility
have no place in a romantic relationship.
No, no place at all. No place at all.
And...
...I've discovered something too.
What?
I like the lift part.
I like it a lot.
You know, you've made my life a living hell.
I didn't want you to think I was easy.
Let me just kick these things off the bed here.
Why don't you put them in the other room.
- Oh, come on. - I'll be less inhibited
if they're in the other room.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Okay, now be very careful because some of them are old and sensitive.
Don't you think maybe you ought to call the cops off?
Oh, silly Sam, I never called the police.
Sam, will you make sure that Gary Gorilla and Mr. Jammers
aren't next to each other? They don't get along.
Not to worry.
They're a mile apart.