1 00:00:01,376 --> 00:00:04,755 Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:09,051 Remember the day I said this, "You are the nuttiest, the stupidest, 3 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,303 the phoniest fruitcake I ever met." 4 00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,680 You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered-- 5 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,934 - Shut up. Shut your fat mouth. - Make me. 6 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,144 Make you? 7 00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:22,439 I'm gonna bounce you off every wall in this office. 8 00:00:22,731 --> 00:00:25,526 Try it, and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. 9 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,738 Or should I say, funnier? 10 00:00:29,905 --> 00:00:33,742 You know-- You know, I always wanted to pop you one. 11 00:00:33,909 --> 00:00:35,827 Maybe this is my lucky day, huh? 12 00:00:35,994 --> 00:00:38,497 You disgust me. I hate you. 13 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:40,207 - Are you as turned on as I am? - More. 14 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,042 Bet me. 15 00:00:48,465 --> 00:00:50,801 Sure got quiet in there all of a sudden. 16 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,886 You don't think he killed her? 17 00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:57,766 No. Even in death she wouldn't be that quiet. 18 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:01,353 What do you think they're doing in there if they're not fighting? 19 00:02:20,766 --> 00:02:22,768 Well, isn't it nice that for once we're not fighting? 20 00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,603 Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 21 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,612 Let's go someplace. 22 00:02:33,779 --> 00:02:37,407 Someplace where we can feel free to express what we're feeling right now. 23 00:02:37,783 --> 00:02:39,451 Great. How about the couch? 24 00:02:41,370 --> 00:02:42,829 The couch. 25 00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,125 Well, who said we always had to be serious? 26 00:02:47,292 --> 00:02:49,795 - Oh, will you stop joking. - Well... 27 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:54,800 I wanna go someplace intimate, someplace... 28 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:56,677 ...romantic. 29 00:02:57,260 --> 00:03:00,430 Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Romantic, yeah. 30 00:03:01,431 --> 00:03:02,683 My apartment? 31 00:03:03,809 --> 00:03:06,478 - Your apartment? - There I go again. 32 00:03:07,479 --> 00:03:10,440 - No, I think that's a good idea. - Well, that's why I said it. 33 00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:12,651 Yes, your apartment. 34 00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:15,445 The place you spend half your life, and I've never even seen it. 35 00:03:15,654 --> 00:03:16,738 That seems so right. 36 00:03:16,905 --> 00:03:18,824 I think you're gonna like it. 37 00:03:19,616 --> 00:03:21,034 I'll give you my... 38 00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:24,454 My famous guided tour... 39 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,456 ...starting in the bedroom... 40 00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:31,336 ...and ending in heaven. 41 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,431 - Come on. - Okay. 42 00:03:42,597 --> 00:03:44,599 - Oh, Sam. - What, what? 43 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,852 I've changed my mind. 44 00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:55,402 No, no. No, I mean about your apartment. I'm sorry. 45 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:57,320 I know you're gonna think I'm overly sensitive, 46 00:03:57,487 --> 00:04:00,490 but, Sam, you've been with a lot of women. 47 00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:03,368 No, I have not. There have not been that many women. 48 00:04:03,535 --> 00:04:05,412 That gets exaggerated here in the bar. 49 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,414 There haven't been that many, really. 50 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,541 How many have there been? 51 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,711 Well, I don't know, maybe, four hun-- 52 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:17,549 Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys. 53 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:20,093 Maybe that's more than my share, but it's all behind me now. 54 00:04:20,635 --> 00:04:22,721 Well, see, that's what I mean. 55 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:25,432 I wanna be special. 56 00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:29,102 I wanna go someplace where you've never been with any other woman. 57 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,147 Well, all right. Okay, that's easy enough. 58 00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:35,525 Like where? 59 00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:38,779 How about a hotel? 60 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:43,283 Oh, yeah, that's great. That's great. 61 00:04:43,450 --> 00:04:45,368 But one you've never been with anyone else. 62 00:04:45,535 --> 00:04:47,496 Well, all right. All right. Fine. 63 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,374 That's easy. 64 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,087 Okay, hotels, hotels. 65 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:57,923 Hey, there we go. 66 00:04:58,840 --> 00:04:59,674 Nope. 67 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,136 Nope. 68 00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,930 Well, I'll be darned. 69 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:09,267 - Forget it. - Come on. We're being silly here. 70 00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:12,354 Why don't we--? Why don't we go to your place, huh? 71 00:05:14,940 --> 00:05:17,275 Well, I guess that could be all right. 72 00:05:17,442 --> 00:05:20,445 - Oh, great, great. - Oh, wait, wait. 73 00:05:20,612 --> 00:05:21,905 Sam, it's so filthy. 74 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:25,826 Oh, no, no. It doesn't have to be, not if we care about each other. 75 00:05:32,999 --> 00:05:35,836 No, I mean my apartment. 76 00:05:36,002 --> 00:05:38,505 I haven't straightened it up for days. 77 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,215 I don't care about that kind of thing. 78 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:41,967 It doesn't matter as long as we're together. 79 00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,969 It doesn't matter where we are. 80 00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:47,514 Oh, Sam, that's beautiful. 81 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:51,393 We're not talking pigsty, are we? 82 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:54,104 No, of course not. 83 00:05:54,271 --> 00:05:56,356 All right, then. All right. Come on. 84 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:59,067 - Okay, okay. - Oh, boy. 85 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,532 She better be great. 86 00:06:08,994 --> 00:06:13,874 I know that you must be curious about what Sam and I were talking about. 87 00:06:14,040 --> 00:06:16,167 We wanna be totally honest with you. 88 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:27,846 It is said that fools rush in where wise men fear to tread, 89 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,307 but the heart has a wisdom of its own. 90 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:35,645 And Sam and I have decided to traverse the fall line of our aloneness. 91 00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,820 - What's she talking about, Sammy? - I don't know. 92 00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:46,990 Does this have to do with what we were talking about? 93 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:48,909 Of course. 94 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:52,621 Diane and I decided we're gonna start messing around. 95 00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,291 There you go. 96 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:58,251 - Great. - So we'll see you all later, huh? 97 00:06:58,418 --> 00:06:59,461 There you go. 98 00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,672 Wait, wait. 99 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,966 I feel damned by faint praise. 100 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,052 - What's wrong? - What do you mean, "What's wrong?" 101 00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,054 - Nothing's wrong. - No. 102 00:07:11,056 --> 00:07:14,267 You don't seem very happy about our announcement. 103 00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:15,894 Well, you know, Diane, 104 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:18,271 - it's just kind of sudden. - Sudden. 105 00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:20,607 It just happening kind of fast. 106 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,109 Yeah, we wish you all the luck in the world. 107 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,779 Yeah. It won't be enough. 108 00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:29,866 Oh, no, no. 109 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,618 I know what you're thinking. 110 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,537 You're thinking that Sam and I have different backgrounds, 111 00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:37,499 ambitions, dreams. Well, let me tell you. 112 00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,585 We have one thing very much in common. 113 00:07:40,752 --> 00:07:44,130 I got it. They were both born brunette. 114 00:07:47,092 --> 00:07:48,134 No. 115 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:52,722 We have a willingness to be vulnerable to one another. 116 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,977 I think I see a trip to Ye Olde Leash and Leather shop coming up. 117 00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:07,904 I am sorry that you're all so cynical that you can't accept Sam and me. 118 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:10,365 Well, it doesn't bother us. We believe in us. 119 00:08:10,532 --> 00:08:12,242 - Right, Sam? - Yeah, you bet. 120 00:08:12,409 --> 00:08:14,536 It's gonna be great. We're gonna have a lot of fun. 121 00:08:14,703 --> 00:08:16,746 I may have to work a little harder on this one, 122 00:08:16,913 --> 00:08:18,999 but it's gonna be worth it. 123 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,543 - Thank you, Sam. - You're welcome. 124 00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,504 Now, if you will excuse us, 125 00:08:24,671 --> 00:08:29,801 we are going to go out and begin our lives together. 126 00:08:29,968 --> 00:08:34,973 There's more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your beer mugs. 127 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,976 What did you mean you're gonna have to work a little harder on this one? 128 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,602 It was off the top of my head. I didn't mean anything. 129 00:08:39,769 --> 00:08:41,980 Well, I think they might have misunderstood. 130 00:08:42,147 --> 00:08:44,107 No, I'm sure they understood exactly what... 131 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:58,204 Thanks for picking the flowers for me in the park, Sam. 132 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,999 Well, thank you for paying the fine. 133 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:04,377 We make a good team, huh? 134 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,963 So, what do you think of my place? 135 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,340 Very nice. This the bedroom? 136 00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,302 Nice? 137 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:14,387 I want you to know that I'm putting a lot of energy 138 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,222 into the decorating of this place. 139 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:20,643 - Well, it shows. Where's the light? - Oh, it's over by the bed. 140 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,813 Oh, I think I just stepped on your cat. 141 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,940 Oh, my God. I think I just killed it. 142 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,861 No, my mistake. I just stepped on your giraffe. 143 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,489 Oh, Mr. Jammers. 144 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,495 This place is lousy with stuffed animals. 145 00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:41,498 They're not stuffed animals. They're my friends. 146 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:43,958 Let me introduce you. Now, Mr. Jammers you've met. 147 00:09:44,125 --> 00:09:47,420 And over here we have Freddy Frogbottom. 148 00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,547 You named all these silly things? 149 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,674 Don't call them silly. 150 00:09:51,841 --> 00:09:53,802 Mr. Buzzer will sting you. 151 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,097 Mr. Buzzer? Don't tell me. Let me guess. 152 00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,807 That must be the bee, right? 153 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,684 Boy, this is definitely weird, Diane. 154 00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,650 That is exactly what's wrong with you. 155 00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:12,112 - What's wrong with me? - Yes. 156 00:10:12,695 --> 00:10:15,573 I should've known that you wouldn't have any imagination about this. 157 00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:21,538 No sense of whimsy. You're so earthbound, so uninspired. 158 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,040 I can't believe you're making such a big deal out of this. 159 00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:29,629 Sam Malone, those animals happen to be a part of me. 160 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,840 Now, why can't you just indulge that without--? 161 00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:34,926 - What are you doing? - I'm taking my pants off. 162 00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,178 Why? 163 00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:40,140 Well, not to give Mr. Buzzer a target. 164 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,978 We're arguing. We're having a fight. 165 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,313 How could you take your pants off when we've having a fight? 166 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:48,773 It's not gonna last all night. 167 00:10:48,940 --> 00:10:50,942 I don't wanna be overdressed when it ends. 168 00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:54,404 Get out of here. Get out of my apartment. 169 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:57,657 - You want me to leave? - I demand that you leave. 170 00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,784 Well, let me just tell you a little rule I have. 171 00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,369 Mr. Malone takes his pants off. 172 00:11:01,536 --> 00:11:04,789 He doesn't put them back on again until he finishes business. 173 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,291 Bet me. 174 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,459 Diane, would you please ju-- 175 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,920 Would you give me a break and let me put my-- 176 00:11:12,964 --> 00:11:14,841 You are despicable. 177 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,802 I never wanna look at your fat, ugly face again. 178 00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:18,928 Get out. 179 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,848 Come on. I'm losing the mood here, Diane. 180 00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,438 You're gonna lose a lot more than that. 181 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,607 Hey, just wait a second. 182 00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:31,900 You wanna know the truth? 183 00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:35,069 It wasn't four women, it was 400 women, easy. 184 00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,488 - They'd have to be. - Damn. 185 00:11:47,749 --> 00:11:49,125 You know what I was just thinking? 186 00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:52,587 Most of the guys that, you know, I broke into the majors with, 187 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:53,880 they're all gone now. 188 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,591 You mean, gone to the great beyond, Coach? 189 00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:58,384 No, Alan. Dead. 190 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,097 I can't understand it, you know. 191 00:12:03,264 --> 00:12:06,643 You wonder-- You're born, you grow up, you die. 192 00:12:06,809 --> 00:12:09,020 Is that the end? Is that it? 193 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:13,983 Well, you know, there's various theories about an afterlife, Coach. 194 00:12:14,776 --> 00:12:17,487 Well, you know, millions believe in reincarnation. 195 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:19,822 You mean, like, when you come back as a chicken? 196 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:24,619 Well, not necessarily as a chicken, Coach. 197 00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:27,080 The Hindus believe that what you come back as 198 00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,873 depends on your behavior in this life. 199 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,378 You know, if you led a good life, you'll come back in an elevated state. 200 00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,088 Like Colorado. 201 00:12:37,799 --> 00:12:40,593 No, Coach, more like a king or a prince. 202 00:12:41,803 --> 00:12:44,430 You know, conversely, if you've not led a good life, 203 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,183 you'll come back in a more, you know, lowly condition. 204 00:12:47,350 --> 00:12:50,353 Last time out I must've made a real ass out of myself. 205 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:56,150 I figure if you're dead, you're dead, and that's what it should be. 206 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:59,821 This idea of living forever doesn't appeal to me. 207 00:12:59,988 --> 00:13:01,823 Yeah, I can see why, Paul. 208 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,162 - Oh, hey, Sam. - Sam. 209 00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:10,623 Sammy, what do you think about death, huh? 210 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,125 Too good for her. 211 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:14,585 I don't wanna talk to anyone. 212 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,087 I mean that. 213 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,091 - I knew it. - Yeah, we told them so, huh? 214 00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,051 - Had to happen. - They wouldn't listen to us. 215 00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,469 Forget it, will you, Norm? 216 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,930 There's something wrong with Sam and Diane. 217 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:28,391 Oh, Coach, we're talking about Sam and Diane. 218 00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,893 Oh, we are? Well, that's better. 219 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:33,938 - It's none of our business. - I think we ought to do something about it. 220 00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,149 We didn't exactly give them our blessings when they left here. 221 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,776 You get right down to it, everybody deserves a chance. 222 00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:41,195 Fellas, I think we owe Sam an apology here. 223 00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,739 I'm gonna have a little chat with Sammy. 224 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,783 Norm, he made it clear that he doesn't wanna be disturbed. 225 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:49,412 He didn't mean me. Sammy and I are pals. We're tight. 226 00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:50,455 Sure. 227 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,334 Sammy. Norm. 228 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,044 Get the hell out of here. 229 00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,046 You bet, buddy. 230 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,924 That was inspiring, Norm. 231 00:14:03,051 --> 00:14:04,510 - I'm sorry. - No, we're sorry. 232 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:07,805 No, we're all just a little sorry about what we said about you and Diane. 233 00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:10,975 - No, no. - You're no worse a match than anybody else. 234 00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:12,602 Any two people are gonna be a long shot. 235 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:15,563 You're right, Sammy. You know, long shots come in some time, 236 00:14:15,730 --> 00:14:19,692 - and maybe this one will. - No, no, you guys were right. 237 00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,861 I must've lost my mind there for a minute. 238 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:26,616 Tell you, though, the old Sam Malone is back, boys, ready for action. 239 00:14:26,783 --> 00:14:28,993 You know what, I'm gonna grab the first woman that comes by 240 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:30,453 and I'm gonna go crazy. 241 00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,459 Yeah, Carla, what is it? 242 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:38,961 Nothing. 243 00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,633 Yeah, I tell you, it feels good to be finally, you know, rid of her. 244 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:46,094 Coach, let me have a soda here. I tell you, things are gonna be 245 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,013 a lot more the way they used to be around here than they ever were. 246 00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,890 Glad to hear you say that, Sam. 247 00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,934 - You're gonna be the better man for it. - You bet. 248 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:55,311 Hey, Coach, you're not buying this, are you? 249 00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:58,356 Buying it? Carla, I'm not even following it. 250 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:02,819 Hey, Carla, I mean it. 251 00:15:02,985 --> 00:15:05,613 Oh, yeah. I believe you, Sammy. I do. 252 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,408 But, you know, I could tell you how to get Diane back. 253 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:14,247 Tell you what, if you're interested, I'll be down at the end of the bar here. 254 00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:30,638 Well, it's gotta be good for a laugh, huh? 255 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:39,605 How? 256 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:43,609 Women have always come pretty easy to you, Sammy. 257 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,862 Now, you have finally got yourself a toughie. 258 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,239 Let me tell you how to handle her. 259 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:51,617 Now, I don't care what we women say 260 00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:55,746 when we get dressed up and go on the Phil Donahue Show. 261 00:15:57,457 --> 00:16:00,376 Every woman wants to be controlled. 262 00:16:00,543 --> 00:16:02,628 Even your Miss Egghead there. 263 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:07,175 Women like power, Sammy. Raw, naked power. 264 00:16:07,717 --> 00:16:11,095 The reason I stayed with Nick so long was because he had power. 265 00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:13,473 Sure, he was a gentleman sometimes. 266 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,058 Like, he would take me out 267 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:19,896 to a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. 268 00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:23,483 They'd call our number, and he'd go get it. 269 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,406 But once we got behind that bedroom door, Sammy, 270 00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,241 he called the shots. 271 00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:33,409 She's right, Sam. 272 00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:37,663 You know, one time I had to get tough with Vera, really lay down the law. 273 00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,166 The next night I came home, she was waiting for me 274 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:42,919 wearing nothing but a Saran Wrap bikini. 275 00:16:45,004 --> 00:16:47,173 I haven't been able to look at a sandwich since. 276 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,681 You know, you're right. 277 00:16:56,265 --> 00:17:00,895 I mean, I have let her have her way every step in this relationship. 278 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,397 She is, she is. She's leading me around by the nose. 279 00:17:03,564 --> 00:17:05,316 - That's what I said. - She's not gonna do it anymore. 280 00:17:05,483 --> 00:17:08,069 She has picked the wrong guy to have a power play with. 281 00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,278 She'll love it. 282 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,863 You know what I'm gonna do? 283 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,241 I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna tell little Miss Chambers 284 00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,035 that there's a time to put up, and there's a time to shut up. 285 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:19,539 And this is the time for her to put up and shut up. 286 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:23,125 - She'll have him for breakfast. - He's a goner. 287 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:24,835 Oh, he's dead in the water. 288 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,299 So tell me, where did you get a tan like that? 289 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:31,592 Were you in the sun or something? 290 00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:33,511 My tan? What are you talking about? 291 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,972 - Look at your tan. - Yeah, I love the sun. 292 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:38,099 You know, I couldn't live where there wasn't any sun. 293 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:40,768 Oh, I know. I don't know how prisoners stand it. 294 00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:42,395 Diane, open up. 295 00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:45,565 Go away, Sam. 296 00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:47,650 I'm meditating. 297 00:17:48,442 --> 00:17:51,571 Now, open the door, Diane. I have something I wanna say. 298 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,621 Oh, Sam, how much more evidence do you need 299 00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,665 that we were not made in heaven? 300 00:18:02,832 --> 00:18:05,293 We turn into idiots in each other's company. 301 00:18:05,459 --> 00:18:08,045 The difference in your case is barely perceptible, 302 00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:10,798 but it's starting to bother me. 303 00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:13,884 Diane, open the door. It's the last time I'm gonna tell you. 304 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,469 Well, who the hell do you think you are? 305 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:18,973 I'm Sam Malone, and that was your last warning. 306 00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:21,601 What are you doing? 307 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,978 Sam, stop it. 308 00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,653 Well, now you've done it. Yes, you broke my door. 309 00:18:33,070 --> 00:18:34,363 You're gonna pay for that, ape. 310 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:37,366 Ape. Oh, I like that. 311 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:38,951 Yeah, I like that. Ape. 312 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,663 You know, you are gonna pay for a lot of things. 313 00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:53,799 Now, get in that bedroom, woman. 314 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,474 Okay. 315 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:06,812 Sam, 316 00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:12,902 would you give me a minute to slip into something flimsy? 317 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,279 Yeah, sure. 318 00:19:29,877 --> 00:19:31,170 Diane? 319 00:19:31,337 --> 00:19:32,838 Yes? 320 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,758 You--? You talking to somebody in there? 321 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:38,511 Oh, I'm on the phone, Sam. Just a second. 322 00:19:41,639 --> 00:19:43,641 You're making a telephone call? 323 00:19:44,809 --> 00:19:46,894 - Who did you call? - I was calling the police. 324 00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,605 Would you like some coffee while we wait? 325 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:56,612 You were calling the police? Why? 326 00:19:56,779 --> 00:19:58,739 Well, if you're gonna act like a marauding Hun, 327 00:19:58,906 --> 00:20:00,741 you have to expect to be treated like one. 328 00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:01,909 You take cream, right? 329 00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,954 Yeah, but no, no... 330 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,082 Wait a minute. Are you serious? 331 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,667 You called the cops on me? 332 00:20:09,917 --> 00:20:11,752 Well, yes, I'm completely serious. 333 00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:14,296 I've got fresh ground but I think it might take a little time. 334 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:16,006 They said they'd be right over. 335 00:20:17,591 --> 00:20:18,968 No, look. Hey, come on, wait a second. 336 00:20:19,135 --> 00:20:21,637 I mean, I'm not doing anything here. 337 00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:25,891 Sam, you broke into my apartment. I have the evidence. 338 00:20:27,935 --> 00:20:31,772 You know, you're a loon, that's what you are. You're crazy. 339 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:34,358 I'm getting the hell out of here. 340 00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:36,152 Oh, you have to run, huh? 341 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,489 Well, I'll just call the police and give them your address. 342 00:20:40,948 --> 00:20:41,866 You-- 343 00:20:42,491 --> 00:20:44,577 You make me so mad sometimes. 344 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,538 - I'd like to take your face and just-- - Excuse me. 345 00:20:48,122 --> 00:20:49,790 Be very careful what you say. 346 00:20:49,957 --> 00:20:52,168 It could be used against you in a court of law. 347 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:55,921 So, what's the final verdict on the coffee? 348 00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:02,261 What--? What are you doing to me, Diane? 349 00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:03,929 I'm losing my mind here. 350 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,223 I mean, the first time I saw you, I said to myself, 351 00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,768 "Now, that, that could be the woman who's gonna make me happy 352 00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,436 for the rest of my life." 353 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:13,564 And now, I'd be happy just to stay out of jail. 354 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:18,194 You make me sorry I was ever born. 355 00:21:19,737 --> 00:21:22,531 - Oh, God. - Sam, I know how you feel. 356 00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,994 Don't let them take me away, huh? 357 00:21:29,330 --> 00:21:32,166 Sam, I think the important thing here 358 00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:35,044 is that we've both learned something tonight. 359 00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:38,881 You've learned that violence and hostility 360 00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:41,300 have no place in a romantic relationship. 361 00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,178 No, no place at all. No place at all. 362 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:45,805 And... 363 00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:48,891 ...I've discovered something too. 364 00:21:49,058 --> 00:21:50,184 What? 365 00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:53,187 I like the lift part. 366 00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,486 I like it a lot. 367 00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:20,005 You know, you've made my life a living hell. 368 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,467 I didn't want you to think I was easy. 369 00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:34,520 Let me just kick these things off the bed here. 370 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:36,105 Why don't you put them in the other room. 371 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:38,190 - Oh, come on. - I'll be less inhibited 372 00:22:38,357 --> 00:22:39,567 if they're in the other room. 373 00:22:39,733 --> 00:22:40,985 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 374 00:22:41,151 --> 00:22:45,322 Okay, now be very careful because some of them are old and sensitive. 375 00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:50,327 Don't you think maybe you ought to call the cops off? 376 00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:54,039 Oh, silly Sam, I never called the police. 377 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:12,516 Sam, will you make sure that Gary Gorilla and Mr. Jammers 378 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,144 aren't next to each other? They don't get along. 379 00:23:15,978 --> 00:23:17,438 Not to worry. 380 00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:19,273 They're a mile apart.