Cheers. Carla, it's your little girl.
What?
The baby? Well, bring her to the phone.
The baby is crying, and they can't make her stop. I'll try a lullaby.
God couldn't be everywhere. That's why he created mothers.
- And postal carriers. - You got her?
Okay, now put her ear to the phone.
Sweetie. Sweetie.
Okay. Oh, good girl. Good girl, okay. Now, listen to Mama.
Too ra loo ra loo ra
Too ra loo ra li
Too ra loo ra loo ra
- Hush, now don't you cry - Hush, now don't you cry
Too ra loo ra loo ra
Too ra loo ra li
Too ra loo ra loo ra
That's an Irish lullaby
- She's asleep. - Yeah!
Thanks, everybody. Thanks a lot.
Hey, everybody. Drinks are on me. I got my raise.
Hey, congratulations, Cliff.
- Thank you. How are you, Normie? - Congratulations, Cliff.
Thank you.
Oh, Norm.
Normie, Normie, Normie.
You know, I know you're a proud guy, Norm,
but you've been out of work a long time.
And I feel I've got to at least try to share my good fortune with you,
so I know what your answer is gonna be to this,
but would you please allow me to loan you $500?
Sure.
- Beg your pardon? - Sure. I'd love it.
How soon can I get it?
You know, Norm, my greatest fear was that you'd say no
because you'd be afraid it'd hurt our relationship.
No, no. Can I get it in cash?
Sure, yeah, sure. I guess our friendship's pretty solid, huh?
Yeah, I mean, we're the kind of guys
who knows what the other guy's gonna say before he even says it, huh?
Yeah, I was wrong this time.
- Hey, Sam. - Hey, Mort. How you doing?
- What will you have? - Let me have a draft.
Sam, you gotta help me. I got big trouble.
Really? What's the problem?
The coach of my kid's Youth League Baseball team just quit,
and I figure you're a natural for the job.
Boy, I'd love to, Mort, but I don't have any time around here.
I spend half my life trying to keep this bar on its feet
and the other half trying to keep Diane off hers.
Well, I gotta find somebody. I mean, this is a real good team, Sam.
We got a real chance of winning the pennant here.
Wait a second. Does anyone wanna manage the team here?
Sam, wanna hear a crazy idea?
What about me?
Well, Coach, that's not a crazy idea. That's a great idea.
Well, I knew it was either one or the other.
Just give me a second here. Coach, this is perfect for you.
I mean, you got some extra time on your hands.
You know the game. It'd be good for you.
Come on, Sam. You know I never managed.
The highest I ever got was third-base coach.
- Mort? - Yeah.
Hey, don't worry about it. You're gonna be great.
- Sam, can I talk to you about this? - No, no, not right now. Not right now.
- Sam, you think I can handle it? - Of course you can.
- Come on, you're not kidding? - I'm not kidding.
- Mort, you got yourself a manager. - Hey, great, Coach.
I'll introduce you to the kids. They're over at the park.
God, things are going so fast. Sam, I'll be back before you know I'm gone.
I'll probably be back before I know I'm gone.
Sam.
I just got a real strong feeling.
Carla, watch the bar.
What?
I mean about this idea that Coach will manage the team.
I sense disaster.
Oh, come on, what are you talking about?
I mean, the guy's home life is a can of Spaghetti O's and reruns of Baretta.
This will be good for him. I mean, every guy needs a hobby, right?
I wish I had time for one.
Norm,
you've got time to make your own coal.
Sam, this is serious.
Everybody knows that there can be a lot of pressure in children's baseball.
The parents take it very seriously.
Well, I'm afraid that they'll take somebody as gentle and guileless
as the Coach and eat him alive.
You're kidding me. He's been in the big leagues.
This is not gonna be pressure for him.
No, no, wait a minute. He was working for somebody else.
He was never the boss.
I'm telling you, I can't get rid of this feeling. Something's wrong.
Hey, hey, Diane, you can have your feelings, but this is guy stuff.
I mean, there's a male bond that happens between men
that women just don't understand.
Hey, sweetheart, sweetheart, look, this is part of me that is private.
You're just gonna have to stay away from it.
So it's hands-off, no trespassing, keep out, end of discussion. Really.
Very well.
And from now on, there's a part of me that's hands-off to you.
Just my luck, it'll be one of the parts I care about.
- Sam, can I ask you a question? - Shoot.
Where do you stand on breast-feeding?
As I recall, I liked it.
Oh, no, I mean me with my baby in here.
Oh, Carla, I guess it's cheaper than a piano player.
Look, Sammy, you know,
I'm just tired of having to run home to feed her all the time during my shift.
I should have done like I did with all my other kids.
You mean you didn't breast-feed the other four?
No, they went right to raw meat.
- Hey, everybody. - Hey, Cliff.
- Thank you, Norm. - Say, remember that--?
Remember that money you were gonna lend me?
Oh, of course, Norm. Look, you're a friend of mine,
you're in need, and I'm here to help you.
- I've got your money. - Great.
Look, is a handshake good enough for you?
- Sure. - Not for me.
- A loan application? - That's right.
Hey, it's a loan we're talking about here, not a handout.
I don't wanna go through this kind of humiliation, all right?
I mean, I wouldn't be asking for this unless I really needed it.
All right, Norm. I got you. Just kidding around here.
Thank you. This is gonna go a long way to pay a lot of bills.
You know, I really should think of something nice for Vera too.
Hey, Norm, how about a candlelit dinner for two?
Great. Come on. We'll talk about Vera later.
Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the Titans.
Come on, move it.
Let's go.
That's a well-drilled team, Coach.
Thank you, Sam.
- Yeah, and look at you, Coach. - Oh, thank you, Diane.
Coach, how about doing the honors here?
Oh, yeah, sure, Sam. Fellas, this is Sam "Mayday" Malone.
Probably the greatest relief pitcher the game of baseball ever knew.
Then he hit the bottle, and he was through in less than a year.
Remember that.
Hi.
And this is Diane. She's smart.
Let me introduce my boys to you, Sam.
This is Peewee, Moose, Juice, Goose, the Tank,
the Chancellor, the Bull, the Cannonball Express,
Specs and Dynamic Duo.
Well, so, what have you guys been working on so far, Coach?
- Nicknames. - Yeah.
But the party's over now, Sam, and we start busting some butts.
I'll have these guys in shape within the week.
Well, there you go.
Well, isn't that always the way with children?
The delightful melding of their innocence with your wisdom.
Yes, we teach them, but they leave their impression on us--
Deviate.
Forget it, Diane. I can handle this. I got a way of communicating with kids.
All right, everybody file out. Except you, Specs.
- Let's go. Move it. Move it. - See?
- Come on, guys. - Okay, okay.
Maybe this thing will be a good experience for him, huh?
Yeah, he's standing a little taller, has a light in his eye.
He's like a whole new person.
Specs, you get only one chance to make a mistake on this team.
Go home and tell your mother you're a flop.
A whole new person I dislike intensely.
Hey, Coach, Coach. Hey.
You gonna kick him off the team for that one little incident?
No, Sam, that's not the only reason. He's leading the league in errors.
The only thing he's had his hands on all week is Diane's keister.
Who the hell are you guys talking to?
We've been talking stupid to a duck.
Well, we kept it quiet.
She's hungry.
Okay.
- Well, here's dinner. - Hey!
Hold it, please.
Oh, Carla, come on. It makes us a little uncomfortable.
- Okay, okay, I'll go in Sam's office. - Thank you.
Whatever happened to modesty?
Really, who would wanna look at something like that?
- Have you guys seen Miss June? - Who?
Hey, what do we got here?
Oh, dear, Norm's in season again.
Coach is a little late this evening, isn't he?
Yeah, the game must have gone into extra innings.
How are those Titans doing?
They have not lost a game since Coach took over.
Coach has lost his sweet disposition. He's turned into a tyrant.
Yeah, but he's winning, Diane,
and winning is the most important thing here.
Well, I don't think winning is the most important thing here.
Well, good, then you won't mind losing this argument.
- Over my dead body. - Hey, don't bring last night into this.
That's exactly what it was. Your last night.
Oh, now, come on.
Come on. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.
Come on, don't be mad. Don't be mad.
Look, what are we arguing about?
I mean, Coach is just being dedicated, that's all.
Yeah, you know, I never thought I'd say this about another man,
but Coach may have the attributes to be a good postal carrier.
Dedication, intensity and single-mindedness.
Yeah, the inability to recognize the word "fragile."
Yeah.
I still say this was a mistake for Coach to--
Don't touch me.
It's not a mistake. He's got a hobby, that's all. I mean, he's having fun.
- Fun. - I can stand physical errors,
but I can't stand mental errors.
After this one, boy, somebody's gonna have to go.
- What happened, Coach, you lost? - No, we won, but by only one run.
What's the point in winning if you can't humiliate the other team?
You gotta intimidate them, Carla.
Crush them. Crush them. Crush them, Carla. Crush them.
Hey, now, there's a fun guy.
Well, he's not having the kind of fun you're talking about,
laughing and giggling and running barefoot through fields.
That's woman's fun.
Woman's fun?
Yeah. Yeah, Coach is having men fun.
I mean, he's active, he's working hard, he's getting the job done.
Do you believe anything you're saying?
No, I'm lying, but that's another men fun thing to do.
- I am going to go talk to the Coach. - No, no, come on.
- Just leave him alone. Leave him. - Sam, he's obsessing.
I know all the signs.
I had a small obsession myself until I got some help.
- You did? - Yes.
I was obsessive-compulsive about neatness.
I demanded that everything be in its proper place.
But now look at the--
Look at the laissez-faire attitude I have about my apron.
Now, in the old days, I would have insisted
that it be pencil, pen, pencil, pen, pad.
Well, now it doesn't matter if it's
pen, pencil, pen, pencil, pad.
Or pencil, pencil, pen, pen, pad.
Or even pencil, pen, pad, pencil, pen.
There's one thing I cannot have and that's this:
Pad, pen, pen, pencil, pencil.
That's just irritating me.
Sam, we got any more of those antacid tablets?
Coach, you've been throwing down a lot of those recently.
Yeah, and a hell of a lot of good they've been doing me.
Hey, Coach. Hey, Coach, hey, it's kind of busy out here.
- Are you working tonight? - Not a chance, Sam.
- We play our division rivals tomorrow. - Hey, wait. Wait a second.
You got a job here. I mean, if you're not gonna do your work,
I'm gonna have to replace you or something.
Listen, Sam, do what you have to do, but stay out of my office.
- Maybe we both ought to go in. - Just let me do the talking.
- Oh, you won't even know I'm there. - Much like last night.
No, no, I'll save my left-hander for Saturday.
What am I thinking about? I don't have a left-hander.
Coach.
Those boys are children.
And childhood is supposed to be a time when you're free to play a game
just for the fun of it.
- You know? - Fun.
That's right.
Fun. That's it exactly.
Fun.
That's why they're making all those mistakes. They're not having any fun.
Well, they're gonna learn how to have fun,
or they're not gonna play an inning on my team.
Coach, Coach, Coach.
Sit down. Sit down right now.
Take a deep breath here.
Now, don't you think that you're--?
Coach, let it out.
Don't you think that you're overdoing this a little bit?
Sam, come on, you know what it takes to win ball games.
Coach. Coach, you're doing this
because you think you have to make up for the fact
that you never made it in the big leagues. But you don't have to do that.
I mean, you were a damn good coach.
- I was? - You bet.
And it wasn't because you were tough. It was because you cared.
I mean, my God, how many times did you walk me up and down
the locker room before games, pouring coffee down my throat?
No one else would have bothered to do that.
You're right, Sam. I was a lovely man.
But it's not enough, Sam.
Look, I'm a contender for the championship, Sam.
Look, when I go out there, all those parents, Sam, they cheer for me.
- They cheer me on. - Really?
Now, after all we've been through, you're asking me to give all that up?
- Well, I-- - Coach, tell us this.
Sure, you walk out there, and you hear the cheers.
But what is it costing you, Coach?
Well, let's see, I had to buy a jock strap...
Hey, how's my baby?
- I'm fine, honey, but I'm a little busy. - Carla, come on in.
- I'm just gonna check her out. - Okay.
Coach.
You do what you want with your team.
- Thank you, Sam. - Where are you going?
- Oh, please, leave me alone. - Sam.
Oh, there, there, Lucia.
- Now, doesn't that feel better? - I wish I could do that.
There, there, Coach.
- Thanks, Carla. - My pleasure.
Sam?
You're not going to accept that?
Look--
What is the problem you're trying to solve here?
I mean, the Coach is happy, the families are happy,
the kids are happy--
Here, here. Here are Coach's happy little players right now. Hey.
Are you on the sauce again?
We're miserable.
Yeah, we came to quit. We can't stand it anymore.
Yeah, and the pressure's getting to us.
Yeah.
All right. Maybe you--
Maybe you guys ought to tell the Coach to his face.
Yeah, we'd like to do something else to his face.
- Yeah. - What are you guys doing here?
They came by to quit.
Well, forget it, Diane. Nobody's quitting.
Well, I am. I can't take it anymore.
You're too hard on me. I can't sleep. My pets hate me.
I'm starting to smoke again.
I have had enough, and I'm through.
- Me too. - Yeah.
- So you're gonna quit, huh? - Yeah.
That's what I got on my hands, a bunch of quitters, huh?
- Yeah. - Well, go ahead and quit.
I can go it alone. Who needs you? Go on. Get out of here. Quit.
- Thank you. - Quit.
- Nice guy. - Get back here!
Line up against that bar, all of you.
Hut.
Now, I got a little story for you.
And I hope it just sticks with you for the rest of your life.
Sam, what's a good story?
I don't know.
What's a good story?
Well, Coach, why don't you tell them a story about a real mean guy?
- Mean guy? - Yeah.
Hey, the one you used to tell me, the Pledge of Allegiance.
Oh, him.
Listen, when I was a kid in school, just about your age,
I had this teacher, a real mean guy, a guy named Mr. Spires.
He always wanted me to learn the Pledge of Allegiance.
And one day in assembly hall he had me say it in front of the whole school.
I had stayed up the whole night before trying to learn it.
But when I got up on that stage, I drew a complete blank. I was lost.
And this Mr. Spires guy says:
"Nobody in this auditorium is gonna leave until Pantusso remembers."
I stood there, and it seemed like forever,
with everybody laughing at me.
It was probably the worst day of my life.
And the point, Coach, is that you finally did learn the Pledge of Allegiance?
No, Sam, I never learned it.
Yeah, but you respected Mr. Spires for trying to help you.
No, I hated his guts, Sam.
But looking back on it now, you respect him for it.
No, no, he died, and I was glad he died.
Thank you, Coach, I'm sure the guys enjoyed that inspiring story.
I guess I must have said the wrong story, huh?
- Well, I don't know-- - No, Coach, you told the right story.
Well, why did I say it?
Because you don't want these guys to leave here
hating you like you hated Mr. Spires.
Holy mackerel.
So that's what you had on your minds, huh?
Well, listen to me.
Nobody but nobody's gonna turn me into a Mr. Spires.
You understand?
And, Coach, there's gonna be some changes around here.
Yeah, you bet your boots there's gonna be some changes.
From now on there will be no two-a-day practices, you understand?
You're lucky if you're gonna get two a week.
And any game we play, everybody plays,
even the lousy ones, like you, Peewee.
You got it? And if we win, we win. And if we lose, well, tough noogies.
Shut up.
Carla, give these guys sodas till they drop.
And I'm buying it.
Shut up. Shut up. Turn around and have your sodas.
Diane,
if we lose tomorrow, it's your butt.
You've made me so happy.
- We finally got our Coach back. - Yeah.
Yeah, things are gonna be even better than they were before.
Oh, there's beauty in art. There's beauty in nature.
I think that applies to human nature too.
Things are allowed to take their own course.
We have to be tolerant of each other. We have to be open--
Your pad's upside down.