Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
A gift.
- Who's it for? - It's for Harry.
Why are you giving a gift to that con man?
To pay him back for all the times he's conned us.
Coach found a trick wallet in a novelty shop.
Yeah, what you do is, you open it up, see, honey, and...
flames come up right up to your face.
- Isn't this a little cruel? - No.
No, no, it's harmless really.
That's why we didn't give it to you.
- He's coming. Here he comes. - Okay.
Hey, Harry!
Boy, am I glad to see you, Harry.
- You are? - You bet. Are you kidding me?
You are a valued customer and a friend.
I was feeling kind of bad about all the times I kicked you out of here,
so I just wanted to show you there was no bad blood between us.
- It's from all of us. - For me?
Well, gosh, guys, I never expected anything like this.
I mean, no one's ever given me anything voluntarily.
- Should I save it for Christmas? - No, no, please, Harry.
Open it now, really. Come on, it's a hot one.
Oh, it's a wallet.
- Well, it's just a little gesture. - It's beautiful.
I can't wait.
I'm so touched.
Hey, don't mention it.
Gee, Harry, aren't you gonna open it?
Oh, sure.
Harry, back from your face a little, so we can all see.
- Gee, it was funnier in the store. - There must be 50 or 60 bucks here.
You guys are too much.
I'll never forget this. Thanks a lot. Gosh.
Did that wallet look familiar to anybody?
- Your beer! Use the beer! - Don't you dare.
Come on, you guys, my boyfriend has been dying to see this Hagler fellow,
and how's a waitress like me gonna come up with $200?
- Come on. - I don't care what you do, lady,
we can scalp these tickets at the arena.
Oh, okay, I'll pay. I'll pay the $200.
Coach, will you give me my purse, please?
I still think it's exorbitant for a prizefight.
Hey, it's Marvin Hagler.
- It's the prizefight of the year. - Yeah, yeah.
I assume that a check will do?
Yeah, anything.
Make it out to "Phil Keppler Medical Corporation."
I thought I recognized that natural compassion, doctor.
He's a lucky man. By the way,
I could remove that little thing in my office in about 30 minutes.
- Sammy? - Yes.
Surprise.
Don't tell me. The exhibit of Norwegian woodcuts is back in town.
- Holy moly. - What is it, Sam?
- Look at this. - Holy moly.
- Surely it's not that big a thing. - Are you kidding me? Look.
- Holy moly. - Holy moly.
Boy, how'd you do it? I mean, these things are impossible to get.
Well, it wasn't easy.
They originally belonged to two young men in the bar,
but after I was finished waiting on them--
They were two old men.
They succumbed to my charms.
Oh, they were two blind men.
Thank you so much.
Later on tonight you can redeem that for a real thank-you.
Know what I mean? Come on, let's go.
- We don't have that much time. - Oh, Sam, there's one proviso
with the fight tickets.
That you not take me with you or tell me about it later.
Okay. Gee, I wonder who I should take.
Yeah.
All right, you guys, I gotta change. You figure this out amongst yourselves.
I cannot believe I'm going to the Hagler fight.
Oh, Diane, I love you.
All right, we got one ticket and four guys.
- What are we gonna do? - I got a great idea, right?
I think of a number from one to ten.
Who comes the closest gets to go with Sam.
- Fair enough. - Fair enough? Okay?
- Normie. - Seven.
- Carla? - Nine.
- Cliff? - Two.
I'll say three.
Wait a minute, Coach, you can't say anything. You know what it is.
- I know. It's six. - Why'd you say three?
Three's my lucky number.
Hey, now, Coach, I want in on this too.
- Get away from me! - Get out of here!
Sam.
- Sam? - I don't know about this new cologne
you bought me, Diane. One or two showers, and it's all gone.
Sam, I want you to know
that what you just said out there just now
set my heart to pounding.
Boy, one thinks one knows oneself,
but all those preconceptions fly out the window
when the man in your life says "I love you."
Who said that?
You did.
Oh, hey, honey, don't worry about that.
That doesn't mean anything.
- It doesn't? - Oh, no.
I've used that as a line on 100 girls.
You've never said it to me.
Are you kidding? I wouldn't waste a line on you.
Now, what I mean by that is
is you're not the kind of girl that you use a line on.
You're the kind of girl that falls for sincerity.
I don't mean that either.
Come on, it's just something I say.
"I love you." I say it to the Coach all the time.
I say it to anybody who gets me tickets to the Hagler fight.
I just say it. That's all.
Sam, get back in here.
I think I know what you're saying.
When I and everyone else in the world say "I love you,"
we are opening up the very core of our being.
When you say it, you are just clearing your throat.
Well put.
- Sam. - I'm getting confused here.
You just gave me tickets to a fight that you know I wanna see,
and now you won't let me go see it.
What is this, some kind of test or something?
What does our relationship mean to you?
It means a lot.
- Go on. - Oh, thank you.
Sam, stop.
I have spent three months writing in my journal, filling page after page
with thoughts concerning us.
I have consumed entire weekends trying to discover
exactly what our relationship means.
And what do I get from you? "It means a lot."
- Can you see why I'm so furious? - Sure.
You work on it for months, and I get it just like that.
If you leave, we're through.
Don't give me ultimatums. I hate ultimatums.
You give me an ultimatum, and we're through.
- What? - That's better.
- So? - So, Sammy,
guess who cut the high card for the extra ticket?
Come on, Harry.
But please, Harry, don't get us in any trouble tonight.
Come on, Sam, I'll be good.
In fact, I'm driving.
What kind of car do you wanna take?
She aches just like a woman
Queen Mary, she's my friend
Come on, Diane, I know you're up. Your candles are on.
- What do you want? - I wanna come in, I think.
Insy-daisy.
Hey, hey. Wow, you're drunk.
Wow, you're stupid.
I'll be sober in the morning.
What are we drinking here, huh?
Vino.
Listen, Diane, I know why you're doing this.
It's my fault, and I'm sorry.
- Don't flatter yourself. - No, it is, it is.
I mean, my walking out in the middle of an argument wasn't exactly--
Boy, you know, when I was a kid, I used to have nightmares
about places like this.
Think you could...? Yeah.
No bats.
Listen, listen, I came over here for a reason.
I brought you this. Come on, it's a present. Open it up.
You bought me a present at this hour?
Hey, what's time?
When your lady's owed a present, she gets a present.
What is it?
It's a boxing-glove purse.
- How much did you pay for this? - Hey, price is no object.
Obviously.
Big shot.
Big athlete shot.
Boy, you really are bombed. I better get you some coffee here.
I am bombed.
But I have been doing some very clear thinking tonight...
...about us.
I have decided...
...that if it isn't worth examining what we have,
maybe we don't have anything.
Oh, come on, wait a minute here.
You're not thinking about ending us, are you?
I'll have you know that when I was in high school...
...I was voted the girl most likely to marry into old money.
Here, drink this. It'll make you feel better.
Nothing's gonna make me feel better,
but this will make me feel better.
Okay, wait a minute.
Now, you're upset about my not thinking
about our relationship, am I right?
- Yes, sir. - All right.
I will start thinking about our relationship.
Maybe we should take some time off here.
You know, not see each other for a while.
That way I'll just have one thing on my mind the whole time.
One more than you usually have.
Come on, not now. Listen, how long should we take?
I don't know.
A week would be nice.
Oh, well, all right, all right, we'll split up for a week,
then we'll get back together and we'll compare thinks.
- Yes, sir. Fine. - Okay.
However, I must warn you,
if you come up with nothing, and I come up with nothing--
Hey, come on, don't worry about that.
I'll come up with something. I promise.
You sure you're gonna be all right?
Yes, sir.
I'm not going to waste any time at all.
I'm going to start thinking right now.
That's my girl.
I thought I was a disgusting drunk.
- What a night! - Well, it's not over yet here, Alan.
Everybody please step into Clifford's Poker Emporium.
If you put a gun to my head, I couldn't remember the last time
I was in an all-night poker game.
Cliff, these cards you bought at the strip joint,
the sexy ladies are all wearing bikinis.
Yeah, that's right. You gotta rub it off with a dime there, Alan.
- Let me see, will you, Cliff? - Sure.
Hey, there's something wrong here. I can't get the bikini off my girl.
Story of your life, big guy.
Boy, I tell you, that's the first time I've ever been in the Combat Zone sober.
Just goes to show you...
...you can still have a good time without drinking
as long as you're surrounded by naked broads
shaking their wallies in your face.
Words to live by, gentlemen.
Boy, we did have a good time, didn't we?
Well, it's all thanks to our fearless leader who won the chugging contest,
yelled crude remarks at the strippers and punched out a couple of bouncers.
- Where is our leader anyway? - There she is right now.
Hey, Carla!
Hey, Norm, you left these in the car.
Now, why did the stripper throw them at you, Norm?
Hey, women happen to be attracted to me, Alan.
Like moths to a flame, you know. Like honeybees to a flower.
Like flies to a road apple.
- Get out of here. - I blushed.
- Oh, boy. - Carla,
how do you know so much about that Combat Zone?
Oh, my ex always used to take me there.
He loved the theater.
You know...
...we were actually there for the premiere
of College Girls Totally Nude.
- No kidding. - Isn't this terrific?
I mean, the whole week.
Nothing against Diane, but it feels so good to get out with the guys again.
Oh, yeah.
Sammy, you made a big mistake telling Diane "I love you."
You say that to a girl, they make a big deal out of it.
Say it to a guy, it doesn't mean anything at all.
Go ahead. Go ahead, say it to me, for example.
Norm, I love you.
I was wrong.
Hey, well, time's running out there, Sammy.
What are you gonna tell Diane
when she wants to hear the results of your thinking fest?
Boy, I don't know. You know, I've been thinking about it
a million times, but I keep coming up with nothing.
I mean, what's the big deal here? I don't need a week.
I mean, what was I known for when I was playing ball, huh?
Giving up tape-measure home runs?
- Chasing anything with a skirt? - Drinking yourself senseless?
Coming through in the clutch.
- Oh, right. - Right, that's it.
Yeah. No, no, I need the pressure, you know,
slugger at the plate, bases loaded,
thousands of fans chanting, "Mayday, Mayday, Mayday."
You'll see. You'll see.
Tomorrow will come, and I'll be there.
Well, it's getting on there, Sammy. Tomorrow's today. It's past midnight.
You don't think she's gonna come marching in now. Nobody's that crazy.
Evening, everyone.
I'm back.
Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.
Oh, Sam, I couldn't wait to see you
after an excruciating week of deep and torturous soul-searching.
But I wouldn't wanna get in the way of your fun times.
No, no, come on, you're right. It's a party. It's a victory party.
You see, I got it.
- You got what? - Our relationship.
I mean, tonight, all of a sudden, it came perfectly clear.
And I decided to celebrate there.
Oh, Sam, that's wonderful. Well, tell me.
Oh, I can't wait to tell you. I can't wait.
But I just need a couple of minutes to polish it up.
It's pretty good, but I need to just rearrange the words just a little bit.
Two minutes?
- Of course. - All right.
Stall.
- Diane. - Yeah, hi, guys.
You...
...go anywhere?
Well, I spent some time at Cape Cod.
I love it in winter.
Yeah, I have a theory about how Cape Cod was formed.
You know, geologically speaking...
Excuse me.
Well?
Mayday. Mayday. Mayday.
- Sam. - Oh, you surprised me.
I forgot what I was gonna say.
Well, I'm sorry. I'm just too excited.
You have things to tell me. I have things to tell you.
Oh, tons.
So?
You know, one of the things I've discovered
is that I'm a very shy person. Do you mind going first?
Oh, well, of course not.
- Great insight. - Yeah, thank you.
All right then, this is the way I'd describe our relationship.
It's more than like.
Beyond fondness.
Verging on deep affection.
There's a vital physical component
bordering on the passionate.
However...
...it has not reached the level at which we will abandon
our reservations about a complete commitment.
Well, that's how I see things.
Ditto.
Ditto?
You're telling me I waited a week for "ditto"?
You took my answer.
No, no, all right, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
No more stalling.
I'll just tell you right here.
I couldn't come up with anything.
I'm sorry. I really wanted to do this.
I don't understand.
I'm usually so good under pressure, but I just drew a blank.
Honey, I have no idea why we're together.
Oh, Sam.
Neither do I.
- You don't? - I don't have a clue.
- What about what you just said? - No, I read it in a book.
It sounded nice, but it's not us.
- Is it? - I don't know. I wasn't listening.
Sam.
Oh, please, please, whatever we do right now,
don't say, "What are we doing?"
What are we doing that I can't say, "What are we doing?"
Here we go, here we go.
I was going to say that it's totally hopeless.
That I can't make any sense of our relationship at all.
Why do we have to make any sense of it?
I mean, I think it's stupid. Whenever you think too much about something,
it loses all its sense. I mean obviously,
the only reason why I'm with you is because I lo--
What, Sam?
I said, the reason why I'm with you is because I lo--
You "lo--"?
Well, you know what I mean.
Well, what's the matter? Can't you say it?
No, of course I can. I lo-- I lo-- I lo--
Don't you see?
That phrase that you threw around so casually
is now impossible for you to say.
And why can't you say it?
Because with me, it's no longer casual.
I'm important to you.
I matter.
No, no, this is silly. I mean, I can say anything I wanna say.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.
A peck of pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick. See?
- Okay, now say the other thing. - All right.
I lo-- I lo-- I lo--
Hey, everybody, Sam can't say he loves me.
Who can?