Yeah, that was my postal supervisor.
They need me down at the branch office to help handle the holiday deluge.
Terrific, and now this. My coat's underneath this mess.
All right, everybody, come on up here and get your jackets, will you?
This is official government business.
Come in.
- Carla. - Got it, Sam.
Stand back, I'm going in.
I'll find you, you little...
Got it.
Carla, this is obviously not my--
Put it on, or I tear off the clothes you're wearing.
Yes, ma'am. Yes, God bless you, Carla.
Well, at least dogs won't attack their own, huh?
Allow me.
Thank you.
Watch this.
How do you do that without burning your hand?
I don't.
Hey, Sam, show her some of the other tricks.
Oh, you know a lot of tricks, do you?
Yeah, I know my share.
Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend.
All right. You're gonna like this one. Watch this.
Sammy.
Good evening. Welcome to Cheers. What can I get you?
What's your bartender's specialty?
He's got a great batch of hot buttered rum going. How's that?
Sounds good. Make it a double. I've just had the worst day of my life.
Well, you know what I always say? "Life is like a Chinese banquet.
Between the Peking duck and the sweet-and-sour fish,
you have to expect a little chicken-feet soup."
So laugh, darn you, laugh.
I've just been told I have six months to live.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be facetious. I'm terribly sorry.
- I went on and on like a ninny. - Hey, miss, can I get you something?
Sammy, how do you do this trick? You know, that one.
It's all in your mind, Carla. The trick is, while you're doing it,
think about the most pleasant thing in your life.
Being burned by this match would be the most pleasant thing in my life.
- Sam? - Yeah?
You have to talk to that man over there alone at the table.
Why?
Well, he came in here because he just found out
- he's got six months to live. - Oh, come on.
You sure that's not just an opening line?
Sam, what kind of a reptile would say something like that
as a sexual overture?
Nobody. I mean, not me, that's for sure.
Well, he seems to want to talk about it.
Well, I'll talk to him.
How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to live?
I'll tell him I have five.
- What's he drinking? - Hot buttered rum.
Hey, everybody, now watch this. Watch this.
Hey, way to go, Coach. You did it. You must have a high threshold of pain.
- I don't know the meaning of the word. - Pretty tough guy there, huh?
No, he doesn't know what "threshold" means.
Thanks, Normie.
Hi, can I join you?
My name is Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar.
- Malcolm Kramer. - How do you do?
Before I retired, I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago.
You know, this may be none of my business, but...
Have you thought about getting a second opinion?
I mean, doctors do make mistakes.
Every doctor I've been to has given me the same diagnosis,
and I've been to 12 of the world's leading specialists.
Well, maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.
How's your drink?
Excellent. You're a very good bartender.
- Thank you. - I don't believe that.
They sound as if they're having a good time.
You know, I worked my way through Harvard Business tending bar.
- Some of the best years of my life. - Do you think you've still got the touch?
- You mean it? - Why not? Come on.
We only got two rules around here. No empty glasses on the bar,
and if somebody belches, blame a waitress.
You got it.
Oh, Lord, I wish that I'd been born in Borneo
If half those photographs Are really so
Say, can you picture me Beneath a pepper tree?
I'd be so peppery With all those wild women
He did it!
What am I yelling about? I bet against him.
Thank you very much.
You never lose it.
This guy's terrific.
I mean, really. He's a great storyteller, and he really knows what he's doing.
I mean, really, we should have an older guy behind the bar.
- The customers would like it. - What about you, Coach?
Oh, I'd like it too.
- I'll think about it. - Thanks, Sam.
We're getting low on beer mugs.
Can someone wash these out for me here, please?
- I'd love to. - You like washing glasses?
You bet. Suddenly I feel like an 18-year-old college boy.
Me too. See one around?
You're on, cutie.
Then how the reindeers loved him
About time you got back.
Well, what's the big deal? The wind shot right through that old thing.
And those lifesavers had to be at least a year old.
Boy, if Boston ever knew how close it came
to a catastrophe, there'd be panic in the streets, I'll tell you.
Listen, Kramer, that's Cliff. He's my best friend. Give him a beer.
That's Mr. Kramer. He's a customer.
Oh, a customer. Why, if it's all the same to you,
I'd rather have my potables prepared by a competent mix ologist.
Cliff, you wanna be a little sensitive here?
Sam's letting him do this as a favor.
Doc says he's going belly-up in a few months.
Gee, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Those are the breaks, huh? - Yeah.
Mr. Kramer, I'm sorry to do this to you,
but you wanted me to let you know when it was 11:00.
Oh, right. I've got a plane to catch.
- Oh, gee, you're really gonna leave? - Yes.
I don't want them to call me the late Malcolm Kramer before it's official.
Thank you, Sam.
Any time, Malcolm. Listen, you come back before--
Soon. Come back real soon.
Good night, everybody. And, thank you.
- Good night. - Good night.
I've had a wonderful time, just when I needed it.
And someday I hope you'll appreciate how much I really did enjoy it.
- Take care. - It was nice meeting you.
- Goodbye, Mr. Kramer. - Now that's a nice guy.
Thanks, Norm. My pop always told me to say goodbye.
Excuse me.
What you people did this evening was magnificent.
It strengthened in me a faith in humanity
that gets a little shaky at times.
I want you all to know that
there's nothing that I wouldn't do for any of you.
- Hot dog! - Drop the skivvies and dance.
Maggots.
Okay, okay, who's the wise guy who shoved the IOU in the tip glass?
Let me see this. It's not an IOU.
This is...
This is a bunch of writing I don't understand, is what this is.
- Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam? - No. No, it's English.
In your case, that qualifies.
All right.
"To whom it may concern:
Please be advised that herewith I amend my will to provide the following:
As a token for their kindness, I leave the sum of...
...one hundred thousand dollars to the gang at Cheers."
- Signed, Malcolm Kramer. - What?
Is this a joke?
Cliff, check that out. See if it's valid.
Let me in here.
Well, yeah, I don't wanna pronounce judgment too hastily, Coach, but,
well, yeah, I think there is a precedent
in the case of Pennoyer v. Neff,
when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction.
Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you?
I work for the law firm of Sing and Fleckman.
Take a look at this, will you? Tell me what it means.
Well, I presume his intent here was to have everybody at Cheers
- split up $100,000 when he died. - I'll be darned.
You know, I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a line.
Oh, Sam, who would use a line like that?
Not me.
One hundred grand. Now what does that come out to each?
It looks like approximately $2,500.
Well, minus my accounting fee, that's 100 bucks.
- We each get 100 bucks? - No, you split 100 bucks.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
It doesn't say anything about dividing it equally.
There are a lot of these people here
who didn't give the guy the time of day, you know?
- Now, that's true. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.
It doesn't matter anyway. This paper is worthless.
- What do you mean? - Look, in order for a will to be valid,
according to Massachusetts law,
the stipulations must be precise and the document's gotta be signed
by at least three witnesses, which this isn't. I'm sorry.
Well, hey, come on.
It's a beautiful souvenir of an evening of generosity and goodwill.
To hell with that. I want my money.
- Money. Money. Money. - Money. Money. Money.
Hey, wait, wait, wait. Hey. Hey, I got an idea here.
I got an idea.
If we can bring him back, we could get him to write a valid will,
and then he can stipulate exactly who he wants to get how much.
Sure. The guy's on his way to the airport.
If you hurry, you can catch him at the hotel.
- All right, I'll go get him. - Why you?
Well, he liked me best.
Oh, yeah, Norm? What makes you think so?
Well, he embraced me, if you must know.
What are you talking about? We never saw that.
All right, it's wasn't an overt embrace.
It was more like, you know, we hugged with our eyes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Look, look, look, whoever goes
is gonna have an opportunity at sweet-talking the guy,
so I think we better send somebody that we all trust.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay, I'll go.
You? You'd shoot your mother in the back for two bits.
- Hey, hey, hey, my mother's a saint. - Why don't you send Coach?
- You all trust Coach, don't you? - Oh, yeah.
- Okay, here I go. - All right.
- I'm with it. - All right, Coach.
Go, Coach.
- Go, Coach. - Coach, just play it cool, huh?
We don't wanna appear too eager and scare the guy off.
- Yeah, yeah. - Right, right.
Tell him his adopted son Norm sends his love.
Right, Normie.
Hey, listen, I want all you guys to know that it's an honor and a privilege
that you picked me for this job,
and I hope I can answer all of your expectations.
What were your expectations?
Yeah, yeah, Coach has been gone nearly an hour now, Normie.
Yeah, I wonder what he's up to.
Okay, Sammy. Okay, this is it.
This will satisfy the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
and all we need is Kramer's signature, three witnesses,
- and we got it. - Hey, hey, hey.
Just because you did a little typing, don't think you'll get a bigger cut.
Listen, on behalf of the federal government,
I better take a look at this.
Well, yeah, you misspelled Massachusetts, first of all.
- What? - Yeah, well, look, on the face of it,
this is all prima facie non corpus interruptus anyhow.
Quit wasting our time, Tom. This guy, I don't know.
- What kind of lawyer are you anyway? - You wouldn't know if I told you.
Oh, yeah? Well, try me, Raymond Burr-brain.
Well, I'm not actually an attorney yet.
I'm gonna take my bar exam next month.
All right, the guy's here on false pretenses.
Yeah, yeah, let's strip him and boot him out in the snow.
- Yeah! - Hey, you guys--
- Will you--? - Hey, hey, hey, come on.
Take it easy, will you? This is getting crazy. Settle down.
- Hey, they're back. - Hey, hooray for Mr. Kramer.
What took you so long, Coach?
Oh, Sam, I had to dig the car out, put on the tire chains--
Why didn't you just take a cab?
Well, I figured it wasn't worth it. The hotel's only a block away.
I want you to say hello to my best friend, Mr. Kramer.
Coach said there was some problem about my will.
Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people,
and now they're asking you to repeat it.
You do that to me every night.
I'm waiting for you to get it right.
Mr. Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture,
but you didn't tell us how you wanted us to split it up.
Yeah, you see, what we got here is a real problem.
Who gets what? These bozos,
or my five precious children.
Posing for this picture is the longest they've ever stood without crutches.
Peddle those monsters somewhere else. It's tonight that counts.
Remember those great times we had standing right over there?
Yeah, Mr. Kramer, how can you ever forget
that delightful walk you and I took over to the jukebox?
Hey, don't forget who you turned to in your hour of need
when you wanted to know the time.
- You didn't tell me. - Hey, what am I, Big Ben?
Mr. Kramer, why don't you just give all your money to your relatives?
- Bad idea. Bad idea. - Oh, no.
- I don't have any close relatives. - Well, you do now, Merv yn.
- My name is Malcolm. - May I call you Merv yn?
That was my... That was my father's name.
Mr. Kramer, you could give this money to charity.
- Hey, I am charity. Beat it. Beat it. - Yeah, we're all charity.
Sam, I don't have any time to deal with this.
Besides, life's too short, and I have a plane to catch.
I'm gonna sign the money all over to you,
and you can divide it as you see fit.
- Oh, no, no, Mr. Kramer, please-- - Sorry, Sam, I've gotta run.
- Don't do this to-- - Goodbye, everybody. Good night.
- And, thanks again. - Bye, Mr. Kramer.
Good night, Mr. Kramer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be a stranger. Sammy.
Come on, would you? Stop it.
Now I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square,
but, please, just no appeals to friendship and sentiment,
and none of that kissy-kissy stuff.
How much evidence do you need, Sam?
Does there have to be bloodshed? Destroy the will.
- Let's kill her! - Yeah!
- What's it gonna be, Sam? - Yeah, come on, Sammy,
- walk like a man. - Okay.
Now, everybody in this room right now gets an equal share, and that's it.
- What? - That's the law. I wrote it.
- What? What are you doing? - Sam--
Now it's over. It's done. Let's just everybody get back to normal here.
We should have killed her when we had the chance.
Well, I hope that's taught you all a lesson.
Coach, you mean about not being greedy about money?
No, always dispose of flaming materials properly.
I guess we should've known.
Guys like us don't get that kind of money.
Well, look at it this way, guys.
We're no poorer now than we were when we came in here tonight.
Yeah, he can talk. You're gonna be a lawyer someday.
- Yeah, yeah, but a bad one. - Hey, wanna give me a break, huh?
Well, Cheers is Cheers again.
And I'm relieved.
I'm going to go thank Sam. And all of you should too.
And by the way, with all the insanity about the will,
no one said a word about my new hairdo.
It stinks.
There. Now was that so hard?
Sam.
What you did out there was fine and noble, and I'm very proud of you.
And I can tell by the look on your face that you're proud of yourself, huh?
Yes, Diane, I am. I'm proud and...
...rich.
What's that?
This little baby is my ticket to happiness.
This is the will. I palmed it and I burned a phony one.
- What? How? - Are you kidding me?
I do magic, remember?
Watch this.
Oh, lookie here.
That is the most avaricious, unregenerate,
rapacious thing you have ever done.
Wait a second here. A couple of those words didn't sound very nice.
How's this?
You have sunk so low, you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's heinie.
Well, that's clear, but why? I mean--
I thought it was pretty good. I saw what those people were doing,
going at each other's throats out there.
It occurred to me that this was the best possible solution.
Oh, come on, come on, look at it logically.
How are you going to explain your newfound riches to them?
Give me a little credit here. I'm not gonna
change my lifestyle all of a sudden. My purchases will be simple.
A television maybe. A pair of shoes.
A couple pair of pants.
Trip to the Canaries in my brand-new 60-foot yacht.
Oh, I know what you're worried about. Hey, come on. You're my sweetie.
I'm gonna split the money with you.
Think about all the good you can do with this money out there, huh?
What good could come of this?
Charities.
Well, I suppose one could do wonders with a lot of money,
if one were so inclined.
I could donate to environmental charities.
- Donate. - Fight world hunger.
Save endangered species and grab up that fabulous silk dress at Claudine's.
- Yes, yes, yes. - Oh, no. No. Now I'm doing it.
- I won't let you do this to your friends. - What are you gonna do? Rat on me?
Oh, wait a second here. Wait a second.
This is what we're talking about here, isn't it, huh?
You're crazy.
Well, yeah, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid.
You're very stupid.
I'll tell you how stupid I am. I see through you like a book.
That stupid.
You want my money.
What are you gonna do? You gonna blackmail me for it, is that it?
Oh, you just lost your boat ride, baby.
Hey, you can't slap me. I'm a rich guy.
How much longer are you gonna keep doing this, huh?
I don't know you. I've never seen you like this, and I don't like it.
Oh, come on, come on. Don't let this come between us.
I want you to help me spend the money.
Come on, it's gonna make us so happy.
It's already making me miserable.
Well, just wait till you see the fun we have out on that boat together.
Damn! Boy, if that guy would just kick off in four months,
we could have that baby in the Atlantic by spring.
Did you hear what you just said?
Oh, my God.
That was a horrible thing to say, wasn't it?
Six months would be fine. We could catch the Gulf Stream.
Sam.
Oh, what's happening to me? I'm turning into a horrible person.
Yes, you are.
I'm gonna do what I should have done the minute I set eyes on this evil thing.
I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me.
That was the right thing to do, Sam.
Now, let's just forget that any of this ever happened.
Oh, yes, let's.
I hate myself for what I just thought.
No. No, I won't even say it.
I know you didn't...
- ...but let me know better. - Come on.
Come on, do you think that I would really do something like that again
after what I just went through?
- I'm sorry. - All right.
Of course not.
Any person who would do something that vile
would have guilt eating away at his guts for the rest of his life.
I hate her.
I really, really do. I hate her so much.