1 00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:03,962 Yeah, that was my postal supervisor. 2 00:00:04,171 --> 00:00:07,466 They need me down at the branch office to help handle the holiday deluge. 3 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:12,137 Terrific, and now this. My coat's underneath this mess. 4 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,848 All right, everybody, come on up here and get your jackets, will you? 5 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,725 This is official government business. 6 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,393 Come in. 7 00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,188 - Carla. - Got it, Sam. 8 00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,483 Stand back, I'm going in. 9 00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:32,324 I'll find you, you little... 10 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,373 Got it. 11 00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,004 Carla, this is obviously not my-- 12 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:49,007 Put it on, or I tear off the clothes you're wearing. 13 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:52,010 Yes, ma'am. Yes, God bless you, Carla. 14 00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:58,767 Well, at least dogs won't attack their own, huh? 15 00:02:15,927 --> 00:02:17,220 Allow me. 16 00:02:18,722 --> 00:02:20,140 Thank you. 17 00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,644 Watch this. 18 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,397 How do you do that without burning your hand? 19 00:02:27,564 --> 00:02:28,774 I don't. 20 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,906 Hey, Sam, show her some of the other tricks. 21 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,367 Oh, you know a lot of tricks, do you? 22 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,160 Yeah, I know my share. 23 00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,121 Show her the one about the disappearing girlfriend. 24 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,042 All right. You're gonna like this one. Watch this. 25 00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:55,133 Sammy. 26 00:02:57,803 --> 00:03:00,722 Good evening. Welcome to Cheers. What can I get you? 27 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,432 What's your bartender's specialty? 28 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,352 He's got a great batch of hot buttered rum going. How's that? 29 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:08,980 Sounds good. Make it a double. I've just had the worst day of my life. 30 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:15,362 Well, you know what I always say? "Life is like a Chinese banquet. 31 00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:18,407 Between the Peking duck and the sweet-and-sour fish, 32 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:20,659 you have to expect a little chicken-feet soup." 33 00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:22,911 So laugh, darn you, laugh. 34 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:26,540 I've just been told I have six months to live. 35 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,086 Oh, dear. 36 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,798 I'm sorry. 37 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:39,136 I didn't mean to be facetious. I'm terribly sorry. 38 00:03:39,386 --> 00:03:43,056 - I went on and on like a ninny. - Hey, miss, can I get you something? 39 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:49,438 Sammy, how do you do this trick? You know, that one. 40 00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:52,441 It's all in your mind, Carla. The trick is, while you're doing it, 41 00:03:52,607 --> 00:03:54,401 think about the most pleasant thing in your life. 42 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:58,029 Being burned by this match would be the most pleasant thing in my life. 43 00:04:01,158 --> 00:04:03,285 - Sam? - Yeah? 44 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,622 You have to talk to that man over there alone at the table. 45 00:04:07,789 --> 00:04:08,540 Why? 46 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:11,793 Well, he came in here because he just found out 47 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,713 - he's got six months to live. - Oh, come on. 48 00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,007 You sure that's not just an opening line? 49 00:04:18,508 --> 00:04:22,345 Sam, what kind of a reptile would say something like that 50 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:23,722 as a sexual overture? 51 00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:28,226 Nobody. I mean, not me, that's for sure. 52 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:34,316 Well, he seems to want to talk about it. 53 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,735 Well, I'll talk to him. 54 00:04:37,569 --> 00:04:40,113 How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to live? 55 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:42,866 I'll tell him I have five. 56 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:46,077 - What's he drinking? - Hot buttered rum. 57 00:04:46,453 --> 00:04:49,414 Hey, everybody, now watch this. Watch this. 58 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:56,713 Hey, way to go, Coach. You did it. You must have a high threshold of pain. 59 00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,091 - I don't know the meaning of the word. - Pretty tough guy there, huh? 60 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,594 No, he doesn't know what "threshold" means. 61 00:05:06,890 --> 00:05:07,891 Thanks, Normie. 62 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:10,685 Hi, can I join you? 63 00:05:10,936 --> 00:05:13,438 My name is Sam Malone. I'm the owner of the bar. 64 00:05:13,605 --> 00:05:15,440 - Malcolm Kramer. - How do you do? 65 00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:19,486 Before I retired, I owned a chemical plant outside of Chicago. 66 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:23,448 You know, this may be none of my business, but... 67 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,575 Have you thought about getting a second opinion? 68 00:05:25,575 --> 00:05:27,160 I mean, doctors do make mistakes. 69 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,788 Every doctor I've been to has given me the same diagnosis, 70 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:32,624 and I've been to 12 of the world's leading specialists. 71 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,920 Well, maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack. 72 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:40,507 How's your drink? 73 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:42,509 Excellent. You're a very good bartender. 74 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:45,554 - Thank you. - I don't believe that. 75 00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:48,348 They sound as if they're having a good time. 76 00:05:48,598 --> 00:05:51,476 You know, I worked my way through Harvard Business tending bar. 77 00:05:51,643 --> 00:05:55,105 - Some of the best years of my life. - Do you think you've still got the touch? 78 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,402 - You mean it? - Why not? Come on. 79 00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:04,322 We only got two rules around here. No empty glasses on the bar, 80 00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:06,533 and if somebody belches, blame a waitress. 81 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:07,701 You got it. 82 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:13,039 Oh, Lord, I wish that I'd been born in Borneo 83 00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:18,503 If half those photographs Are really so 84 00:06:18,670 --> 00:06:21,548 Say, can you picture me Beneath a pepper tree? 85 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:28,054 I'd be so peppery With all those wild women 86 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:30,473 He did it! 87 00:06:30,849 --> 00:06:32,642 What am I yelling about? I bet against him. 88 00:06:32,809 --> 00:06:34,603 Thank you very much. 89 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,813 You never lose it. 90 00:06:40,692 --> 00:06:41,651 This guy's terrific. 91 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:45,530 I mean, really. He's a great storyteller, and he really knows what he's doing. 92 00:06:45,697 --> 00:06:48,700 I mean, really, we should have an older guy behind the bar. 93 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:51,536 - The customers would like it. - What about you, Coach? 94 00:06:51,703 --> 00:06:53,622 Oh, I'd like it too. 95 00:06:54,039 --> 00:06:56,374 - I'll think about it. - Thanks, Sam. 96 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:58,001 We're getting low on beer mugs. 97 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,836 Can someone wash these out for me here, please? 98 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,672 - I'd love to. - You like washing glasses? 99 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:05,884 You bet. Suddenly I feel like an 18-year-old college boy. 100 00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,928 Me too. See one around? 101 00:07:09,471 --> 00:07:10,847 You're on, cutie. 102 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,643 Then how the reindeers loved him 103 00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:16,645 About time you got back. 104 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:20,398 Well, what's the big deal? The wind shot right through that old thing. 105 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,487 And those lifesavers had to be at least a year old. 106 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:30,158 Boy, if Boston ever knew how close it came 107 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:33,286 to a catastrophe, there'd be panic in the streets, I'll tell you. 108 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,039 Listen, Kramer, that's Cliff. He's my best friend. Give him a beer. 109 00:07:36,373 --> 00:07:38,166 That's Mr. Kramer. He's a customer. 110 00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,335 Oh, a customer. Why, if it's all the same to you, 111 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:43,880 I'd rather have my potables prepared by a competent mix ologist. 112 00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,174 Cliff, you wanna be a little sensitive here? 113 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:47,968 Sam's letting him do this as a favor. 114 00:07:48,176 --> 00:07:50,720 Doc says he's going belly-up in a few months. 115 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:55,183 Gee, I'm sorry to hear that. 116 00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,477 - Those are the breaks, huh? - Yeah. 117 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,355 Mr. Kramer, I'm sorry to do this to you, 118 00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:02,190 but you wanted me to let you know when it was 11:00. 119 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:04,359 Oh, right. I've got a plane to catch. 120 00:08:04,526 --> 00:08:06,903 - Oh, gee, you're really gonna leave? - Yes. 121 00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:12,993 I don't want them to call me the late Malcolm Kramer before it's official. 122 00:08:14,536 --> 00:08:15,870 Thank you, Sam. 123 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,874 Any time, Malcolm. Listen, you come back before-- 124 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:24,170 Soon. Come back real soon. 125 00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,923 Good night, everybody. And, thank you. 126 00:08:27,132 --> 00:08:28,133 - Good night. - Good night. 127 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:31,386 I've had a wonderful time, just when I needed it. 128 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:37,183 And someday I hope you'll appreciate how much I really did enjoy it. 129 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,894 - Take care. - It was nice meeting you. 130 00:08:40,103 --> 00:08:42,897 - Goodbye, Mr. Kramer. - Now that's a nice guy. 131 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,860 Thanks, Norm. My pop always told me to say goodbye. 132 00:08:52,490 --> 00:08:53,950 Excuse me. 133 00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:58,580 What you people did this evening was magnificent. 134 00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,750 It strengthened in me a faith in humanity 135 00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,669 that gets a little shaky at times. 136 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,713 I want you all to know that 137 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:09,007 there's nothing that I wouldn't do for any of you. 138 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:13,094 - Hot dog! - Drop the skivvies and dance. 139 00:09:15,597 --> 00:09:17,098 Maggots. 140 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:26,399 Okay, okay, who's the wise guy who shoved the IOU in the tip glass? 141 00:09:26,858 --> 00:09:29,569 Let me see this. It's not an IOU. 142 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:32,280 This is... 143 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,908 This is a bunch of writing I don't understand, is what this is. 144 00:09:35,325 --> 00:09:37,911 - Is it in a foreign tongue, Sam? - No. No, it's English. 145 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:40,789 In your case, that qualifies. 146 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:46,252 All right. 147 00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,922 "To whom it may concern: 148 00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:54,803 Please be advised that herewith I amend my will to provide the following: 149 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:59,432 As a token for their kindness, I leave the sum of... 150 00:09:59,724 --> 00:10:02,602 ...one hundred thousand dollars to the gang at Cheers." 151 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:05,146 - Signed, Malcolm Kramer. - What? 152 00:10:05,688 --> 00:10:06,856 Is this a joke? 153 00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:11,277 Cliff, check that out. See if it's valid. 154 00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:15,490 Let me in here. 155 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:20,620 Well, yeah, I don't wanna pronounce judgment too hastily, Coach, but, 156 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,622 well, yeah, I think there is a precedent 157 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,874 in the case of Pennoyer v. Neff, 158 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:29,629 when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction. 159 00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,216 Tom, you're a lawyer, aren't you? 160 00:10:33,675 --> 00:10:36,219 I work for the law firm of Sing and Fleckman. 161 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,055 Take a look at this, will you? Tell me what it means. 162 00:10:41,683 --> 00:10:44,686 Well, I presume his intent here was to have everybody at Cheers 163 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:48,106 - split up $100,000 when he died. - I'll be darned. 164 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,192 You know, I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a line. 165 00:10:51,401 --> 00:10:54,070 Oh, Sam, who would use a line like that? 166 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,655 Not me. 167 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:59,200 One hundred grand. Now what does that come out to each? 168 00:10:59,409 --> 00:11:02,745 It looks like approximately $2,500. 169 00:11:02,954 --> 00:11:05,582 Well, minus my accounting fee, that's 100 bucks. 170 00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:08,793 - We each get 100 bucks? - No, you split 100 bucks. 171 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:11,546 Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. 172 00:11:11,713 --> 00:11:14,674 It doesn't say anything about dividing it equally. 173 00:11:14,841 --> 00:11:16,551 There are a lot of these people here 174 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,553 who didn't give the guy the time of day, you know? 175 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:22,015 - Now, that's true. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute. 176 00:11:22,557 --> 00:11:26,269 It doesn't matter anyway. This paper is worthless. 177 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,397 - What do you mean? - Look, in order for a will to be valid, 178 00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,107 according to Massachusetts law, 179 00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:34,611 the stipulations must be precise and the document's gotta be signed 180 00:11:34,777 --> 00:11:37,780 by at least three witnesses, which this isn't. I'm sorry. 181 00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,490 Well, hey, come on. 182 00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:43,995 It's a beautiful souvenir of an evening of generosity and goodwill. 183 00:11:44,495 --> 00:11:46,414 To hell with that. I want my money. 184 00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:50,251 - Money. Money. Money. - Money. Money. Money. 185 00:11:50,460 --> 00:11:53,963 Hey, wait, wait, wait. Hey. Hey, I got an idea here. 186 00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:55,006 I got an idea. 187 00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:58,885 If we can bring him back, we could get him to write a valid will, 188 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:02,597 and then he can stipulate exactly who he wants to get how much. 189 00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:05,767 Sure. The guy's on his way to the airport. 190 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:07,435 If you hurry, you can catch him at the hotel. 191 00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,063 - All right, I'll go get him. - Why you? 192 00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,272 Well, he liked me best. 193 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:13,274 Oh, yeah, Norm? What makes you think so? 194 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,276 Well, he embraced me, if you must know. 195 00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,278 What are you talking about? We never saw that. 196 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,530 All right, it's wasn't an overt embrace. 197 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:23,409 It was more like, you know, we hugged with our eyes. 198 00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:25,745 Yeah. Yeah. 199 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,623 Look, look, look, whoever goes 200 00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:31,125 is gonna have an opportunity at sweet-talking the guy, 201 00:12:31,292 --> 00:12:34,462 so I think we better send somebody that we all trust. 202 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:37,131 Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Okay, I'll go. 203 00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,842 You? You'd shoot your mother in the back for two bits. 204 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:43,721 - Hey, hey, hey, my mother's a saint. - Why don't you send Coach? 205 00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:46,724 - You all trust Coach, don't you? - Oh, yeah. 206 00:12:46,891 --> 00:12:49,519 - Okay, here I go. - All right. 207 00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:51,479 - I'm with it. - All right, Coach. 208 00:12:51,688 --> 00:12:53,439 Go, Coach. 209 00:12:53,648 --> 00:12:56,359 - Go, Coach. - Coach, just play it cool, huh? 210 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:58,653 We don't wanna appear too eager and scare the guy off. 211 00:12:58,820 --> 00:13:00,196 - Yeah, yeah. - Right, right. 212 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,657 Tell him his adopted son Norm sends his love. 213 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:04,450 Right, Normie. 214 00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:08,955 Hey, listen, I want all you guys to know that it's an honor and a privilege 215 00:13:09,163 --> 00:13:10,832 that you picked me for this job, 216 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,252 and I hope I can answer all of your expectations. 217 00:13:20,341 --> 00:13:21,551 What were your expectations? 218 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:35,356 Yeah, yeah, Coach has been gone nearly an hour now, Normie. 219 00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:36,941 Yeah, I wonder what he's up to. 220 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,610 Okay, Sammy. Okay, this is it. 221 00:13:39,819 --> 00:13:42,697 This will satisfy the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, 222 00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:46,242 and all we need is Kramer's signature, three witnesses, 223 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:47,744 - and we got it. - Hey, hey, hey. 224 00:13:47,952 --> 00:13:50,830 Just because you did a little typing, don't think you'll get a bigger cut. 225 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:54,167 Listen, on behalf of the federal government, 226 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,419 I better take a look at this. 227 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,632 Well, yeah, you misspelled Massachusetts, first of all. 228 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,634 - What? - Yeah, well, look, on the face of it, 229 00:14:03,801 --> 00:14:07,013 this is all prima facie non corpus interruptus anyhow. 230 00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:11,392 Quit wasting our time, Tom. This guy, I don't know. 231 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:14,395 - What kind of lawyer are you anyway? - You wouldn't know if I told you. 232 00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:16,439 Oh, yeah? Well, try me, Raymond Burr-brain. 233 00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:20,526 Well, I'm not actually an attorney yet. 234 00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:22,528 I'm gonna take my bar exam next month. 235 00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,489 All right, the guy's here on false pretenses. 236 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,283 Yeah, yeah, let's strip him and boot him out in the snow. 237 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,911 - Yeah! - Hey, you guys-- 238 00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:32,663 - Will you--? - Hey, hey, hey, come on. 239 00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,209 Take it easy, will you? This is getting crazy. Settle down. 240 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:39,545 - Hey, they're back. - Hey, hooray for Mr. Kramer. 241 00:14:51,099 --> 00:14:52,308 What took you so long, Coach? 242 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:56,062 Oh, Sam, I had to dig the car out, put on the tire chains-- 243 00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:57,897 Why didn't you just take a cab? 244 00:14:58,231 --> 00:15:01,609 Well, I figured it wasn't worth it. The hotel's only a block away. 245 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,863 I want you to say hello to my best friend, Mr. Kramer. 246 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,616 Coach said there was some problem about my will. 247 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:12,954 Mr. Kramer, you made a wonderful gesture to these people, 248 00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:14,789 and now they're asking you to repeat it. 249 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:16,999 You do that to me every night. 250 00:15:20,128 --> 00:15:22,630 I'm waiting for you to get it right. 251 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,678 Mr. Kramer, it was a wonderful gesture, 252 00:15:28,886 --> 00:15:32,515 but you didn't tell us how you wanted us to split it up. 253 00:15:32,932 --> 00:15:36,269 Yeah, you see, what we got here is a real problem. 254 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,980 Who gets what? These bozos, 255 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:43,234 or my five precious children. 256 00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:50,116 Posing for this picture is the longest they've ever stood without crutches. 257 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:54,954 Peddle those monsters somewhere else. It's tonight that counts. 258 00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:58,583 Remember those great times we had standing right over there? 259 00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:01,377 Yeah, Mr. Kramer, how can you ever forget 260 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:04,714 that delightful walk you and I took over to the jukebox? 261 00:16:04,922 --> 00:16:07,133 Hey, don't forget who you turned to in your hour of need 262 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,384 when you wanted to know the time. 263 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,970 - You didn't tell me. - Hey, what am I, Big Ben? 264 00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:17,518 Mr. Kramer, why don't you just give all your money to your relatives? 265 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,021 - Bad idea. Bad idea. - Oh, no. 266 00:16:20,229 --> 00:16:24,066 - I don't have any close relatives. - Well, you do now, Merv yn. 267 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:27,653 - My name is Malcolm. - May I call you Merv yn? 268 00:16:28,070 --> 00:16:30,907 That was my... That was my father's name. 269 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:36,412 Mr. Kramer, you could give this money to charity. 270 00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:40,374 - Hey, I am charity. Beat it. Beat it. - Yeah, we're all charity. 271 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,337 Sam, I don't have any time to deal with this. 272 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,589 Besides, life's too short, and I have a plane to catch. 273 00:16:46,797 --> 00:16:48,799 I'm gonna sign the money all over to you, 274 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,177 and you can divide it as you see fit. 275 00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:53,596 - Oh, no, no, Mr. Kramer, please-- - Sorry, Sam, I've gotta run. 276 00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:56,015 - Don't do this to-- - Goodbye, everybody. Good night. 277 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:58,351 - And, thanks again. - Bye, Mr. Kramer. 278 00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,061 Good night, Mr. Kramer. 279 00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:03,189 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't be a stranger. Sammy. 280 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:08,194 Come on, would you? Stop it. 281 00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:12,031 Now I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square, 282 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,034 but, please, just no appeals to friendship and sentiment, 283 00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,328 and none of that kissy-kissy stuff. 284 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:20,206 How much evidence do you need, Sam? 285 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,917 Does there have to be bloodshed? Destroy the will. 286 00:17:23,167 --> 00:17:24,335 - Let's kill her! - Yeah! 287 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:33,219 - What's it gonna be, Sam? - Yeah, come on, Sammy, 288 00:17:33,386 --> 00:17:35,388 - walk like a man. - Okay. 289 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:40,101 Now, everybody in this room right now gets an equal share, and that's it. 290 00:17:40,309 --> 00:17:42,395 - What? - That's the law. I wrote it. 291 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:47,984 - What? What are you doing? - Sam-- 292 00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:58,536 Now it's over. It's done. Let's just everybody get back to normal here. 293 00:18:06,502 --> 00:18:09,964 We should have killed her when we had the chance. 294 00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:12,174 Well, I hope that's taught you all a lesson. 295 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,011 Coach, you mean about not being greedy about money? 296 00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:18,889 No, always dispose of flaming materials properly. 297 00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,685 I guess we should've known. 298 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:24,812 Guys like us don't get that kind of money. 299 00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,772 Well, look at it this way, guys. 300 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:30,067 We're no poorer now than we were when we came in here tonight. 301 00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:32,320 Yeah, he can talk. You're gonna be a lawyer someday. 302 00:18:32,570 --> 00:18:36,991 - Yeah, yeah, but a bad one. - Hey, wanna give me a break, huh? 303 00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,744 Well, Cheers is Cheers again. 304 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,329 And I'm relieved. 305 00:18:41,537 --> 00:18:46,751 I'm going to go thank Sam. And all of you should too. 306 00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:50,129 And by the way, with all the insanity about the will, 307 00:18:50,296 --> 00:18:52,798 no one said a word about my new hairdo. 308 00:18:53,507 --> 00:18:54,759 It stinks. 309 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,845 There. Now was that so hard? 310 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,765 Sam. 311 00:19:03,017 --> 00:19:07,688 What you did out there was fine and noble, and I'm very proud of you. 312 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:13,444 And I can tell by the look on your face that you're proud of yourself, huh? 313 00:19:14,278 --> 00:19:17,365 Yes, Diane, I am. I'm proud and... 314 00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:19,950 ...rich. 315 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:28,125 What's that? 316 00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,670 This little baby is my ticket to happiness. 317 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,714 This is the will. I palmed it and I burned a phony one. 318 00:19:34,298 --> 00:19:37,301 - What? How? - Are you kidding me? 319 00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,512 I do magic, remember? 320 00:19:39,720 --> 00:19:41,514 Watch this. 321 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,357 Oh, lookie here. 322 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,319 That is the most avaricious, unregenerate, 323 00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:57,446 rapacious thing you have ever done. 324 00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:02,702 Wait a second here. A couple of those words didn't sound very nice. 325 00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:05,204 How's this? 326 00:20:05,371 --> 00:20:09,917 You have sunk so low, you would need a ladder to kiss a snake's heinie. 327 00:20:11,836 --> 00:20:14,880 Well, that's clear, but why? I mean-- 328 00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:17,633 I thought it was pretty good. I saw what those people were doing, 329 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:19,427 going at each other's throats out there. 330 00:20:19,677 --> 00:20:22,304 It occurred to me that this was the best possible solution. 331 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,391 Oh, come on, come on, look at it logically. 332 00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,437 How are you going to explain your newfound riches to them? 333 00:20:29,645 --> 00:20:31,355 Give me a little credit here. I'm not gonna 334 00:20:31,522 --> 00:20:36,402 change my lifestyle all of a sudden. My purchases will be simple. 335 00:20:37,153 --> 00:20:40,614 A television maybe. A pair of shoes. 336 00:20:40,865 --> 00:20:42,366 A couple pair of pants. 337 00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:45,661 Trip to the Canaries in my brand-new 60-foot yacht. 338 00:20:50,374 --> 00:20:55,004 Oh, I know what you're worried about. Hey, come on. You're my sweetie. 339 00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:56,464 I'm gonna split the money with you. 340 00:20:57,256 --> 00:21:00,551 Think about all the good you can do with this money out there, huh? 341 00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,095 What good could come of this? 342 00:21:04,138 --> 00:21:05,389 Charities. 343 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:13,230 Well, I suppose one could do wonders with a lot of money, 344 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:14,565 if one were so inclined. 345 00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:16,984 I could donate to environmental charities. 346 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,570 - Donate. - Fight world hunger. 347 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:25,117 Save endangered species and grab up that fabulous silk dress at Claudine's. 348 00:21:25,326 --> 00:21:29,789 - Yes, yes, yes. - Oh, no. No. Now I'm doing it. 349 00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:33,793 - I won't let you do this to your friends. - What are you gonna do? Rat on me? 350 00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:38,589 Oh, wait a second here. Wait a second. 351 00:21:38,798 --> 00:21:40,549 This is what we're talking about here, isn't it, huh? 352 00:21:41,425 --> 00:21:42,343 You're crazy. 353 00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:45,012 Well, yeah, I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid. 354 00:21:45,221 --> 00:21:46,222 You're very stupid. 355 00:21:46,931 --> 00:21:50,601 I'll tell you how stupid I am. I see through you like a book. 356 00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:52,645 That stupid. 357 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:55,856 You want my money. 358 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,818 What are you gonna do? You gonna blackmail me for it, is that it? 359 00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,364 Oh, you just lost your boat ride, baby. 360 00:22:05,866 --> 00:22:08,786 Hey, you can't slap me. I'm a rich guy. 361 00:22:11,455 --> 00:22:13,165 How much longer are you gonna keep doing this, huh? 362 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:17,294 I don't know you. I've never seen you like this, and I don't like it. 363 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:20,297 Oh, come on, come on. Don't let this come between us. 364 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:22,258 I want you to help me spend the money. 365 00:22:22,466 --> 00:22:24,134 Come on, it's gonna make us so happy. 366 00:22:24,343 --> 00:22:25,761 It's already making me miserable. 367 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:28,973 Well, just wait till you see the fun we have out on that boat together. 368 00:22:29,181 --> 00:22:31,433 Damn! Boy, if that guy would just kick off in four months, 369 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:33,561 we could have that baby in the Atlantic by spring. 370 00:22:34,061 --> 00:22:35,896 Did you hear what you just said? 371 00:22:37,064 --> 00:22:38,899 Oh, my God. 372 00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,652 That was a horrible thing to say, wasn't it? 373 00:22:42,486 --> 00:22:45,406 Six months would be fine. We could catch the Gulf Stream. 374 00:22:45,573 --> 00:22:46,448 Sam. 375 00:22:47,491 --> 00:22:51,495 Oh, what's happening to me? I'm turning into a horrible person. 376 00:22:51,871 --> 00:22:52,788 Yes, you are. 377 00:22:57,084 --> 00:23:00,421 I'm gonna do what I should have done the minute I set eyes on this evil thing. 378 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,008 I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me. 379 00:23:10,764 --> 00:23:13,058 That was the right thing to do, Sam. 380 00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:16,270 Now, let's just forget that any of this ever happened. 381 00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:18,731 Oh, yes, let's. 382 00:23:30,284 --> 00:23:32,912 I hate myself for what I just thought. 383 00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:38,334 No. No, I won't even say it. 384 00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:42,922 I know you didn't... 385 00:23:43,547 --> 00:23:45,633 - ...but let me know better. - Come on. 386 00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:48,802 Come on, do you think that I would really do something like that again 387 00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:50,429 after what I just went through? 388 00:23:52,473 --> 00:23:54,058 - I'm sorry. - All right. 389 00:23:54,266 --> 00:23:55,601 Of course not. 390 00:23:56,143 --> 00:23:58,395 Any person who would do something that vile 391 00:23:58,562 --> 00:24:02,942 would have guilt eating away at his guts for the rest of his life. 392 00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:19,416 I hate her. 393 00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:23,963 I really, really do. I hate her so much.