Gee, anytime I hear "A Foggy Day in Old London Town," I think of my wife.
Was that--? Was that your song, Coach?
No, but Sinatra sang that, Sam,
and it always reminds me of that movie, From Here to Eternity.
You took her to see that on your first date, huh, Coach?
No, that movie reminds me of Hawaii.
You and your wife met in Hawaii?
No, I've never been to Hawaii, Diane. Neither has Wally Engels.
I'll take it.
Coach, who's Wally Engels?
An old pal of mine in the Navy. He introduced me to my wife.
Boy, that's some memory you got there, Coach.
Yeah, huh, Sam.
Now that song brings back some great memories for me.
Oh, yeah? Really? What?
They were playing it the day my daughter got married.
Yeah?
That's all.
We sure get them in here, don't we, Sam?
- Hello, Sam. - Hey, Becky.
Boy, long time no see, huh?
Yeah, I finally got transferred back to Boston.
I really missed this city and a lot of its landmarks.
Speaking of which, when do you get off?
Oh, I don't get off anymore, Becky.
What--
What I meant by that was Diane and I are going together here.
- Who? - Oh, I'm sorry.
Diane Chambers, this is Becky Hawley.
- Hi, Becky. - Hi, Diane.
Diane and I have been going together now--
Oh, what?
Nine, ten months.
Four.
Whatever.
I'm really glad to see you have such a nice thing going, Sam.
Although, I must say, I will miss the fun that we used to have.
Well, I got something a lot better than fun now.
I got good, solid pleasantness.
- You're a real rush yourself. - Yeah.
- Oh, I didn't mean to upset anyone. - Oh, Becky, you didn't.
I've come to terms with Sam's past.
It doesn't bother me a bit. Besides, I'm not the jealous type.
- Well, Sam, I guess I'll be seeing you. - Yeah, good to see you again.
You too.
Hey, why don't you--
Why don't you let me walk you to your car, huh?
Or on second thought, maybe I'll just stand behind the bar here for a while.
- I liked her. - Yeah, I'll bet.
Have an accident, Sam, or are you just glad to see me?
Both, Coach.
Two Cutty rocks, Sam.
- Norm is late again today. - Yeah, I noticed.
It's beginning to eat into my beer profits.
I'm gonna have to raise the price of a draft here just to get even.
That'll be $11 dollars there, Cliff.
You know, he hasn't been in before 5:00 all week.
You don't suppose Norm has finally got himself a job, do you?
No, no. if Norm had gotten a job,
he would've told us all about it, you know.
Gee, I hope he didn't tell me and I forgot.
No, I'd remember forgetting something that big.
No, I think Cliff's right.
If Norm got a job, he would've made a big deal about it.
You know, yesterday I saw something very disturbing.
The price of peroxide went up?
I was born a blond.
What were you saying?
Well, on my way here,
I saw a fellow who looked very much like Norman,
sneaking in the back door of Melville's kitchen.
Now, he looked so much like Norman, I said hi to him,
but he pulled his coat over his face and ran inside.
What would Norm be doing in Melville's kitchen?
I think Norman's been reduced to taking a job
as a busboy or a dishwasher.
No, no, Norm would never stoop to something like that.
He probably just went in to beg for table scraps, that's all.
Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I just thought of something.
Oh, I thought I heard a clank.
About a week ago, Norm asked me if a real man would wash dishes.
- Oh, no. - I don't believe it.
It's impossible to escape the conclusion.
I found a way.
Now, look, I'm not gonna believe that my buddy,
a professional man like myself, has been reduced to scrubbing
pots and pans in a fish house.
I mean, if he had, there'd be telltale signs.
You know, he'd come in reeking like a mackerel.
Get out of here! Go on, beat it. Scram. Out of here.
Beat it! Get out of here! Hey, get--
Go on! Get out of here!
Well, that proves it. He's either washing dishes at Melville's,
or he's driving a herd of cats to Dodge City.
No, Sam, he'd need at least 200 head for that drive to Dodge.
- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm.
- Can I draw you a beer, Norm? - No, I know what they look like.
Just pour me one.
- Hey, Norm, what's with all the cats? - What? Animals like me.
Good, because no human is gonna.
Norm, you smell like low tide in Bridgeport.
Must've been that tuna sandwich I ate.
What'd you do, eat it or roll in it?
Say, Norm, everything okay? Any luck finding a job?
- Let's just drop it, huh? - Okay.
Oh, here, Normie. You need a napkin there.
Gee, Normie, look at your hands. They're all red and rough and wrinkled.
- Hey, so is your brain. Okay? - Oh, come on.
- I'm sorry, Coach. - That's okay, Norm.
Everybody, look, I'm sorry.
- I might as well come clean here. - Please.
I'm washing dishes up at Melville's, okay?
The unemployment ran out. I had to do something.
Here, give me your hands. This'll cut the smell.
Oh, Norman, you must be hopelessly depressed.
Last night I went home so depressed I almost jumped out my window.
There's so many cats down there, they would've broken the fall.
That--
Those guys out there-- There's only a scouting party.
Go on, get out of here!
Norman.
There's dignity in any work.
Now, don't be ashamed of physical labor.
Oh, no, Diane. I know exactly how Normie feels.
When I was a youngster, I was a busboy.
And I'm telling you, the humiliation, the getting ordered around...
It's more than a man can take.
Hey, get a beer over here, huh, grandpa?
Yes, sir, right away.
Dishwasher.
I guess I've sunk about as low as an accountant can sink.
I graduated 30th in my class.
Now I spend my afternoons watching lettuce float.
Norman, I've got it.
You're an accountant. You should be accounting.
Sam, why don't you put Norman on as your accountant?
- Yeah, Sam. - Oh, great idea.
Oh, that'd be fabulous.
- I already have an accountant. - Well, fire him and hire Norman.
- Yeah. - That's how it works.
Diane, can I speak to you over here for a minute?
- Certainly, certainly. - What's the matter?
- Don't you think it's a good idea? - Oh, no, you bet.
I just wanna tell her in private how much I like it.
Sounds like Ms. Chambers is going to get a buss on the cheek.
Let's hope it's going at least 80.
No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen.
There are two areas of my life that I don't want anyone to touch.
Now, I've already told you about one of them.
- And I didn't. - I know. You've been good about that.
The other area is my business.
Now, I worked very hard to get this bar, and it's been a struggle to keep it.
Now you've got me committed
to turning my books over to a dishwasher.
He's not a dishwasher. He's an accountant and he's a friend.
You're right, he's my friend. But how do I know he's a good accountant?
He hasn't been hired for over a year. There must be some reason.
That just means he's highly motivated to do a good job.
Besides, you only have to keep him on long enough
to help him get his pride back.
Sammy? Say, I don't wanna put you on the spot here.
I don't have to be your accountant. I could always just kill myself.
Yeah, yeah, this man has options here, Sam.
Sam, now it's true.
Hiring Norman has emotional overtones.
But without emotions, the mind becomes a stagnant pond.
And let's face it, in your case,
we're not exactly dealing with white-water rapids in the first place.
Okay, all right, fine. I'll put Norm on.
But just-- Hey, just remember, when I have to fire him later on,
you're gonna be responsible for him losing what's left of his self-respect.
How can we miss with such a positive attitude?
Norm.
Hey, you're my new accountant.
- Hey. - All right.
- Sammy, I am honored. - Well, yeah.
I want you to know this is one of the great moments of my life, Sam.
Oh, give me a break. One of your greatest moments?
Easy, Sam. There have only been two.
I'm aware you're doing this out of pity,
but I want you to know you just got the best damn accountant around.
Yeah, I'll second that.
What? That he just got the best damn accountant around?
No, that he's doing it out of pity.
Oh, here he is, ladies and gentlemen...
...Norm "Render unto Caesar's that which is zilch" Peterson.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Diane, a little more coffee, please.
- Oh, Norman, I'm proud of you. - Yeah.
When there's a job to be done, you put the beer aside.
That's because I wanna do a good job for Sammy there.
Isn't that nice? isn't that nice, Sam?
How's it--? How's it going, Norm?
Almost done, Sam.
You're not gonna be disappointed, big guy.
I found a couple things in there, you know.
Gonna have the best damn tax return that's ever been audited.
Oh, lighten up, will you? It's a tax joke. Come on.
Boy, Sam, you know, there's a bounce in Normie's step
I haven't seen in months.
You know, tonight may be the turning point in that man's life.
He might come out of that office, his job complete.
Who knows, maybe even make amends with Vera,
- start building a new life. - Oh, that would be wonderful.
Then again, he might drink till he passes out with his head in a toilet.
It's too close to call really.
I just hope he's not trying too hard to impress me.
Well, what if he is? You're helping him out. He appreciates that.
I just don't like taking chances with the IRS.
I mean, I was very satisfied with my old accountant.
Every year I'd pay two, three grand in taxes. I'd pay them.
There'd be no trouble. That's all I want from Norm. No chances, no risks.
Sam, you just worry too much.
- Normie's a great accountant. - How do you know that, Coach?
Because my mother always used to say:
"Everybody has one thing they're great at."
Yeah, and with Norm we've eliminated everything
but accountant and great white hunter.
- Here we go, Sam. All done. - How'd it come out, Norm?
I'll let my return speak for itself, Cliff ie.
I'm getting back $15,000?
We make camp here, bwana?
Of course babies can eat pizza. Just put it in the blender.
Excuse me, do you have a cigarette machine in the back?
- Backroom. - Thank you, beautiful.
What did you call me?
- Beautiful. - Sounded different the first time.
- Beautiful. - That was the word.
Good afternoon, everybody.
- Norm. - Norm.
- Norman. - How about a beer, Norm?
Hey, I'm high on life, Coach.
Of course, beer is my life.
Hey, there's my boss man. How's it going, buddy?
Pretty good. Just waiting for that great big tax refund to come rolling in.
You figure out what you're gonna do with that loot?
Well, I think that some of it should go for something sheer, sexy,
and, yes, a little breathtaking for the special someone in his life.
I think you're right. What are you, an extra large, Norm?
In peignoirs, yes,
but I can squeeze into a large teddy.
Wait, wait, wait, you gotta check these out here.
- Here-- Lookit here. - Printed matches.
- Just spread them around there. - "Norm Peterson incorporated.
An Accountancy Firm."
Oh, it's very impressive, Norm.
Business must be good, huh, Normie?
Yeah, Coach, it just took Sammy here having faith in me
and my getting a little faith in myself. And stuff sort of took off.
- Bingo. - Yeah.
How many new clients do you have now besides Sam?
Just one other, but I've been hustling a little bit
and I got some nibbles, I think.
- Which reminds me-- Diane? - Yeah.
- Here's your return. - Oh, thank you.
- A nice healthy refund, huh? - I thought you'd like that.
All those psychiatrist's fees were deductible, Diane.
And those daily sessions back in February.
We're talking a gold mine here.
Shut up, Norman, I'm better. I'm better.
Sam.
February was kind of a rough month, wasn't it?
You're kidding.
Listen, what you've done for Norman is a miracle.
- I am very proud of you. - It was nothing.
Don't be modest.
You stood by him when he needed you.
When he told you you were getting $15,000 back, even I blanched.
And money means no more to me
than it does to the creatures in the forest, or the beasts in the field.
Oh, Sammy, give me a hand here with this stuff.
- Coach, you get that? - Yeah.
Cheers. Sam, it's for you.
- I'm busy. Can you take a message? - Can I take a message? He's busy.
Yeah. Right.
Right, right, right.
Sam, it was your accountant, Sy. He said he put everything--
Bell Day. Bell Day.
And--
And he said your tax returns are ready.
What the hell's going on here, Sam?
What do you mean? About Bell Day?
No. Did you send in the return I prepared for you or not?
No, Norm, I didn't.
Why not?
Well, I probably should have told you this,
but I'm real conservative when it comes to money.
Okay, let me just get this straight here.
You don't trust me or my work,
so you had somebody else do your taxes.
No-- Fifteen-thousand-dollar refunds scared the hell out of me.
I mean, I've never gotten any kind of refund before at all.
You know why? That accountant you had is a wimp, Sam.
I went through those previous returns.
The guy wouldn't know a deduction if he sat on it.
What are you trying to say, Sammy? That Norm pulled a $15,000 boner?
Yeah?
Come on. I was just trying to protect myself.
Any one of you would've done the same thing, right?
Oh, come on. You would too, and you know it.
Hey, let's just-- Let's just drop this, all right?
I didn't want Norm to do my taxes in the first place, you remember?
Just goes to show you, you shouldn't do business with friends.
Then you're safe going into business with anybody in this room.
- Yeah. - You got it.
Oh, come on now. Isn't anybody on my side here?
Listen, all I wanted to do was try to protect my business,
and not offend Norm in the first place.
Sam, I'm standing by you.
I may not agree with you, but I admire your courage.
- I know exactly how you feel. - Oh, you do?
Yes, I've had personal experience standing against the majority,
resisting the force of public opinion for the sake of personal principle.
Is that right? Like what? When?
Well, my senior year,
I fought single-handedly to integrate my sorority.
Hey, you hear this? Well, what? They wouldn't let blacks in?
Well, it wasn't exactly blacks. That's really not the point.
- The point is that I-- - Well, what was it? Some other race?
- Well, no. - A religion?
- Well, it wasn't exactly a religion. - Well, come on, who? Who?
Girls with...
What?
Who wouldn't they let in?
Girls with poorly publicized coming-out parties.
And within a couple of months,
- they blended right in. - Thank you.
If you don't trust me as an accountant, you don't trust me as a friend.
Hey, now, come on. Stop right there.
Listen, you gotta learn to separate business from friendship.
No, no, no. The only thing I have to separate is you from my life.
Hey. Hey, come on. Listen, if I get into trouble with the IRS, I could go to jail.
And you know what happens to pretty boys when they go to jail, huh?
You know-- You know, your attitude is unprofessional.
- Now I'm unprofessional? Is that it? - Yeah.
- You know what you are? - Listen, guys, don't say anything--
- What? - You're a backstabber.
What? You know something, you are a big baby, Norman.
- Hair hat. - Ham hock.
Gooseneck. This is fun.
We are not the ones fighting here, spaghetti breath.
You're a bad guy, Malone.
- B-A-D, you're bad! - You're starting to get on my nerves.
- The truth hurts, huh? - Oh, my God!
Will the two of you listen to yourselves
standing there arguing, bickering.
You're making a mockery out of Bell Day.
Sammy, Sammy, Sammy. I've just been through
- the roughest year of my life. - I know that.
The only thing that kept me going was the belief in myself,
and the hope someday somebody else would say:
"I believe in you too, Norm."
- I thought you'd be that guy for me. - That won't work.
You're trying to lay a guilt trip on me. I think that stinks.
Fine. I'm out of here. I'm going for good.
Hey, you better mean it, because I don't want you coming back in here tomorrow
thinking this whole thing's gonna blow over.
Yeah, as a matter of fact-- Hey, listen, you go out that door,
I don't want you back in my bar. I mean it.
Okay, fine, you got it.
Before I go, I gotta settle one thing with that man.
Norman, now wait. Don't do anything silly. Please.
You better stay out of this. This is part of the male ritual
that you don't know anything about.
I'm coming in, Malone.
Okay, Norm, how do you wanna do this?
I don't wanna go, Sam.
Oh, hey. Hey, come on. Man, I didn't mean that--
Hey, hey. Come on.
Listen, listen, we're not gonna get anywhere
unless you start acting like an adult here.
Come on, fella.
Come on.
Here. Here you go.
Here, here, here.
This bar's all I have, Sam.
You people are my family.
You're my brother.
Oh, well, you're my brother too, Norm.
Sam.
Norm,
hey, you're my accountant.
- You mean it, Sam? - Right after this tax season.
I'll take it.
- But I don't wanna beg. - No.
So as we see, the roots of physical aggression in the male of the species
is found right here in the old DNA molecule itself.
Right up here at about 1 o'clock, as I recall.
- Fascinating, Cliff. - Oh, yes, Diane, fascinating.
You hold onto your hat too, because the very letters, D-N-A
are an acronym for the words "Dames Are Not Aggressive."
They stand for deoxyribonucleic acid.
Yes, but parse that in a Latin declension,
and my point is still moot.
You know, Cliff, if it's true that a little knowledge is dangerous,
you are a walking time bomb.
Oh, thank you, Diane.
Let's talk about the gas turbine engine for a while.
Coach.
Coach, buy my buddy a beer, will you?
Coming up.
So you didn't resort to physical violence?
Nope. As a matter of fact,
I want you all to meet my new accountant.
- Hey. - All right, Norm.
Congratulations, Normie.
As it turns out, I've been with the wrong guy for the last ten years.
Thanks, Sam.
Thank you, Norm.
Well, this is such a beautiful moment seeing you two friends reconciled.
I could almost cry.
- Girls. - Yeah, boy.