1
00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:04,796
<i>Hey,</i> Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:05,756 --> 00:00:08,675
Coach, you got the next round ready
for the ladies in the backroom?

3
00:00:08,884 --> 00:00:12,304
- Almost, honey, almost.
- Okay. Aren't they a cute group?

4
00:00:12,471 --> 00:00:14,723
The Golden Eighties Club.

5
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,560
Yeah, a bunch of old widows
and spinsters get together

6
00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:21,438
and play Connect the Liver Spots.

7
00:00:22,898 --> 00:00:25,776
I agree with Diane, Carla.
They're absolutely adorable.

8
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:28,820
Oh, Coach, you like anybody
who calls you "sonny."

9
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,739
Yeah.

10
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,199
All set, Diane.

11
00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:36,578
Wow, this is quite a load.
Well, I'll just take two trips.

12
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:41,667
Yes, now, there is a
nonprofessional for you.

13
00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:44,753
Last round, I got them all in one trip.

14
00:00:45,379 --> 00:00:47,047
Okay.

15
00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,719
One more beer.

16
00:00:53,595 --> 00:00:56,098
- Like me to carry it for you?
- No.

17
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:57,599
No problem.

18
00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:02,229
I'll simply do as the noble women
of primitive tribal cultures

19
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:05,566
have been doing for centuries.
I'll balance it on my noodle.

20
00:01:11,530 --> 00:01:14,449
Those sweet little old ladies
are gonna love this.

21
00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:34,177
- Wow, look! It's Lawrence Welk!
- No, stop!

22
00:02:56,426 --> 00:02:59,805
- And you're wrong.
- In your hat.

23
00:03:00,013 --> 00:03:03,141
I kind of lost track here, Carla.
What round's this?

24
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,185
I can't count that high.

25
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:08,647
Just so we can follow the fun,
what's this fight about?

26
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,191
We're not fighting, Carla.
We're merely discussing

27
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:14,069
a little difference of opinion.
Vodka, rocks, two.

28
00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:19,408
I think Sam is a heartless, mindless,
slack-jawed cretin, and he disagrees.

29
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,828
But I'm sure he'll
see reason eventually.

30
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:25,497
Let me know
when his head lights up.

31
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:29,376
As usual, you have to take
a connecting flight to get to the point.

32
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:36,258
We were talking about the way
you don't trust me, motor mouth.

33
00:03:36,842 --> 00:03:40,470
No, broken brow, we settled that.

34
00:03:40,679 --> 00:03:43,098
You were proven wrong,
and we moved on.

35
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,308
- As I recall--
- Sam, give me credit for having

36
00:03:45,475 --> 00:03:48,812
enough intelligence to humiliate you
in the right subject area.

37
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:54,776
My favorite couple,
Steve and Eydie Amin.

38
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:59,531
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!

39
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,703
Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?

40
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:07,748
Yeah, with a lot of
expensive surgery, maybe.

41
00:04:10,876 --> 00:04:13,795
Actually, this is Emily Phillips,

42
00:04:14,004 --> 00:04:16,256
and she runs
a little boutique downtown,

43
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:17,924
and I've just taken them on
as a client.

44
00:04:22,637 --> 00:04:25,682
Why are they so excited?
You told me you had lots of clients.

45
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:28,268
They're just naturally
happy people in here.

46
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,353
Yeah, they sing the livelong day.

47
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,901
Hi, welcome to Cheers.
I'm Sam Malone.

48
00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:38,278
- Oh, thank you.
- So, what kind of boutique is it?

49
00:04:38,445 --> 00:04:41,740
Oh, it's just a little dress shop
struggling to survive, really,

50
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:44,910
but thanks to Norm, I'm gonna get
a very healthy tax return.

51
00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,245
Yeah, well, I just did
a few simple things.

52
00:04:47,454 --> 00:04:50,707
For example, she wasn't even writing
off her cockroaches as livestock.

53
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,713
I'm so proud of us.

54
00:04:56,922 --> 00:05:00,550
We women have taken our place
in society as never before.

55
00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:04,513
Working, doing,
rising on merit through the ranks.

56
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:09,309
We are taking our place alongside of,
and in many cases, above men.

57
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:13,104
Once exploited, now we are equal.

58
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,607
Hey, honey, shake it up.
I'm dry over here.

59
00:05:16,691 --> 00:05:18,360
Excuse me.

60
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,197
Oh, would you pardon me for
a moment, Norm? I gotta call the shop.

61
00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,241
- Sure.
- You know, I really like

62
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:26,451
this Cheers place.
Do you come here often?

63
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,288
- Well, what do you consider often?
- Oh, two or three times a week.

64
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,207
Then I don't come here often.

65
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:35,210
- Can I have a beer, Coach?
- Yeah.

66
00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,212
Norm, you told her you had
a lot of big clients?

67
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,215
Yeah, 75. I figured 200
would be stretching it

68
00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,384
for someone working
out of the trunk of his car.

69
00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:48,640
What's going on, Norm?
You seem kind of friendly.

70
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:54,229
She just brought me in here to
celebrate the outstanding work I did.

71
00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:56,898
Oh, I don't know, Norm.

72
00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,109
I kind of sense something
between the two of you.

73
00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:03,029
I could feel the temperature in here
rise when you two walked in.

74
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:05,031
Norm, you're her new accountant.

75
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,909
Have you gone over her figure?

76
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,413
Does she have sizable assets?

77
00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,666
Yeah, has she shown you
a couple of capital gains

78
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,294
that'd make you liquidate
your holdings?

79
00:06:17,460 --> 00:06:19,254
All right.

80
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:23,592
It's all very well to be witty here,
but you guys don't understand.

81
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,094
You know, she's just
a very nice lady

82
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:28,972
and she just wanted to bring me in
here to show me a little appreciation.

83
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,016
That's what you think, Norm.

84
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:34,477
Haven't you noticed those subtle
little looks she's been shooting at you?

85
00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:36,980
- What do you mean?
- Like you're a juicy steak

86
00:06:37,188 --> 00:06:39,608
soon to be sizzling on her grill.

87
00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:42,861
Here she comes. Here she comes.
Here she comes.

88
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:46,281
- Where do you wanna sit, Norm?
- That table right there is fine.

89
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:47,616
What can I get you to drink?

90
00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:50,827
Oh, I'm sure whatever you have
will be fine with me, Norm.

91
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:55,916
Oh, come on. Don't be ridiculous.

92
00:06:56,124 --> 00:07:00,462
Oh, I don't know. Let's just submit this
to our resident expert on women-ology.

93
00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:04,257
Well, I don't usually think
of myself that way.

94
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:08,261
I'd be happy to share any thoughts
I have with you, Cliffo.

95
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,930
So, what do you think, Sam?

96
00:07:12,057 --> 00:07:14,100
I think she's scouting your territory.

97
00:07:14,684 --> 00:07:17,520
Norman, ignore these blatherskites.

98
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:21,191
They're just having fun
at your expense.

99
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,193
She's absolutely right, Normie.

100
00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:28,156
The emptiness of their lives causes
them to cast aspersions on your own.

101
00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:33,286
- You can say that again, Coach.
- No, I can't, Diane.

102
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:40,043
I happen to know
these guys are joking.

103
00:07:40,251 --> 00:07:43,129
They know as well as you do
that if anything did happen,

104
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:46,257
it would injure irreparably
the special one you love.

105
00:07:46,424 --> 00:07:49,886
Oh, come on, Diane, I'd get over it
in a couple of weeks.

106
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,641
Look at the way
she's looking at you, Norm.

107
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:57,143
She is hot for your bod.

108
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:00,855
Here you go.

109
00:08:01,064 --> 00:08:05,402
There you are.
I've been getting lonely.

110
00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:09,072
Would you excuse me
just for a moment, please?

111
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:11,533
You're right,
the woman's a she-devil.

112
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,955
- What am I gonna do about it?
- Well, the course is clear, Norm.

113
00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,457
You're gonna stand up tall,
act like the man you are,

114
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,376
and submit to her every demand.

115
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:24,838
Thank you, Cliff. Now can I have
an opinion from someone

116
00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,548
who's had a date this century?

117
00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:31,011
Norm. You told her
you were married, right?

118
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,221
Of course. She knows about Vera.

119
00:08:33,388 --> 00:08:35,348
I mentioned her at least
a couple of times.

120
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:37,726
My wedding ring's right out there
for everyone to see,

121
00:08:37,934 --> 00:08:39,686
that pawn shop on Boylston Street.

122
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,107
You see, Norman? You see?

123
00:08:44,315 --> 00:08:47,777
You're always making these crass,
adolescent jokes about Vera.

124
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:51,406
Now it's getting you into trouble.
This woman probably takes you seriously.

125
00:08:51,614 --> 00:08:53,658
Now she thinks that you don't care
about your wife.

126
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:57,120
Don't listen to her, Norm. How many
chances do you get? Go for it.

127
00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,538
- Be a man, Norm.
- Come on.

128
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:02,333
You people are recommending
that Norman commit adultery.

129
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:05,628
It happens all the time, stick.

130
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,422
That's the way life is.

131
00:09:08,423 --> 00:09:11,468
I'm telling you, the only difference
between <i>Dynasty</i> and the real world

132
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:13,845
is they got better haircuts.

133
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,639
What do you think, Sam?

134
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,810
Norm,

135
00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:24,647
I think it's stupid to jump into bed
with somebody you're working with.

136
00:09:28,568 --> 00:09:33,073
I didn't mean stupid
in the unintelligent sense.

137
00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:35,784
Don't mind Sam.
He's a little depressed.

138
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:38,745
This is the year his age
caught up with his IQ.

139
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,792
That's years away.

140
00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:49,756
Norm, look,
do you find her attractive?

141
00:09:49,964 --> 00:09:51,299
Of course, she's very attractive.

142
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:54,302
Yeah, well, if it was me
she was attracted to,

143
00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:56,930
I wouldn't be wasting time
hanging around some bar

144
00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:00,266
- talking to a bunch of jerks.
- Yeah, Norm, do something.

145
00:10:00,475 --> 00:10:02,936
- Come on. Come on. Come on.
- Yeah, Vera'll never find out, Norm.

146
00:10:03,144 --> 00:10:06,397
- Is anything wrong, Norm?
- Hey, he's gonna take care of you.

147
00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:07,941
Don't worry.

148
00:10:08,817 --> 00:10:10,485
Just a sec, Emily.

149
00:10:10,693 --> 00:10:13,446
All right, Norm.
Now, look, if you're scared,

150
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:16,616
I'll take charge of this.
I mean, with me it won't be sinful.

151
00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:18,660
Just unsightly.

152
00:10:20,203 --> 00:10:23,331
All right, look, if you're interested,
strike while the iron is hot.

153
00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,215
Norman, will you do me a favor?

154
00:10:32,423 --> 00:10:34,425
- Yeah, what? What do you want?
- Call Vera.

155
00:10:34,592 --> 00:10:35,718
- Why?
- Just do it.

156
00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:38,930
Call her and listen to her voice

157
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:41,766
before you rend asunder
the inviolate garment of your marriage.

158
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,394
- Oh, Diane, I don't-- Please.
- The phone.

159
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,396
- Come on.
- Are you afraid, Norman?

160
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,439
What, you think I'm afraid
to talk to my own wife?

161
00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:51,776
All right.

162
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:59,325
Emily, be with you in a minute.
Quick business call here.

163
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,580
Hello, Vera, this is Norm.
I'm at Cheers. It's 8:05.

164
00:11:03,788 --> 00:11:06,457
You need me, you've got
the number here. Bye.

165
00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:08,835
Norm, when did you get
the answering machine?

166
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,670
I didn't, Coach. That was Vera.

167
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:18,678
Norman. Norman, I think that you'd
better give the lady what she wants.

168
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,181
She is a client.
If you don't come across,

169
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:24,350
she's gonna drop you
like a bad habit.

170
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:28,188
Norman, has it come to this?

171
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:30,440
Are you going to sell your virtue
to the first person

172
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,358
who buys you a drink in a bar?

173
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:36,571
If you were a woman,
I think we'd have a name for you.

174
00:11:36,571 --> 00:11:39,199
I kind of like "Becky."

175
00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:47,790
I realize "Norma" is closer.
You just have to add U-H, but...

176
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:51,628
Could everybody please
just back off for a second?

177
00:11:51,836 --> 00:11:54,547
Since when does my private life
become the subject of public debate?

178
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:57,550
- You backing out, Norm?
- Now, come on, come on, guys, lay off.

179
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:01,387
Okay, Sam, okay. Hey, Norm,
we were just kidding with you.

180
00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:03,389
We knew you really wouldn't do it.

181
00:12:03,598 --> 00:12:05,225
Yeah, we know
what kind of guy he is.

182
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:07,393
Yeah, we know he wouldn't
cheat on Vera.

183
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:11,231
All right, all right, all right.
Norm, look,

184
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,524
we'll even sing your wedding song
for you. Ready, guys?

185
00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,985
- Sure.
- And...

186
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,404
<i>Yes, dear</i>

187
00:12:20,406 --> 00:12:21,491
<i>Of course</i>

188
00:12:23,451 --> 00:12:25,036
<i>Right away</i>

189
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:29,249
You guys think I'm the world's
heavyweight champion wuss, don't you?

190
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,084
Unchallenged.

191
00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:36,422
All right, stand back
and eat my dust.

192
00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,260
Storming Norman is primed for love.

193
00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:43,596
You better hurry up, Norm.
She's on her way out.

194
00:12:44,389 --> 00:12:47,475
Hey, Emily.
Hey, Emily, wait up.

195
00:12:47,976 --> 00:12:49,602
What, are you trying to ditch me?

196
00:12:50,395 --> 00:12:52,647
Norm, it's obvious that you'd
rather be with your friends.

197
00:12:52,855 --> 00:12:56,192
- I just feel in the way here.
- No, look, that was rude. I'm sorry.

198
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,152
I'd just...

199
00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:00,405
- ...like to make it up to you.
- No, that's okay.

200
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,199
No, please. Let me buy you dinner
or something.

201
00:13:04,909 --> 00:13:06,703
That might be nice.

202
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:10,206
The thing is, though, I don't feel like
being around people anymore.

203
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,333
Yeah, me neither.

204
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:18,631
I guess I could fix a little something
over at my place.

205
00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,468
Sounds good.

206
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:29,475
Norm, Norm. Norm!

207
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:32,603
- Just a sec.
- You don't have to go through with this

208
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,355
- if you don't want.
- I know, I know.

209
00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:37,567
Just one question, Sam.
Have there been any innovations

210
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:41,863
in the women's undergarment industry
since 1965?

211
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:46,659
No.

212
00:13:59,964 --> 00:14:03,217
Oh, I'm so disappointed in Norman.

213
00:14:03,426 --> 00:14:07,805
Diane, the problem you're having
is just a simple lack of understanding

214
00:14:07,972 --> 00:14:09,807
of the male of the species.

215
00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:12,727
See, man was not made
to be monogamous.

216
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:17,815
It's an artificial, unnatural phenomenon
imposed from without.

217
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,610
The human male can never
have enough women.

218
00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:23,071
Or, in your case, any.

219
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:30,953
Don't be too hard on Norm.
He hasn't had that much experience.

220
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,581
I think he kind of got swept away.

221
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:38,419
You know, it makes me almost grateful
you've had the amount of experience

222
00:14:38,628 --> 00:14:40,421
you've had with women.

223
00:14:41,005 --> 00:14:44,842
- Oh, yeah?
- Yes. I think by now

224
00:14:45,009 --> 00:14:49,764
your curiosity is satisfied,
your inexplicable lusts sated.

225
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:53,851
If our relationship remains
as strong and vital as it is now,

226
00:14:54,018 --> 00:14:58,314
you'll have no need for sexual
experience with another woman.

227
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:00,566
Oh, my God.

228
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,195
What do you mean, "Oh, my God"?

229
00:15:05,988 --> 00:15:11,160
Well, I just never thought about
that before. My last woman.

230
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:15,873
- You do agree, don't you?
- I don't know. I--

231
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,042
Why not?

232
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:21,796
Hey, come on. Something
could happen to you, you know?

233
00:15:22,004 --> 00:15:27,885
You could die or go insane. Or what
happens if you don't age that well?

234
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:31,556
You-- What would happen
if I went down in an airplane

235
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:34,892
over South America someplace
and was taken captive

236
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,437
by a tribe of huge women...

237
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:42,650
...who made me their sex slave?

238
00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:47,447
Forced by High Priestess Bettina
and her handmaidens

239
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:52,076
to satisfy them
day after day after day.

240
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,998
I mean, come on.
Be realistic, Diane.

241
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,961
- My God, I just thought of something.
- What's that, Coach?

242
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:05,465
What if Vera calls and
she wants to know where Normie is?

243
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,341
Tell her he stepped out.

244
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:10,386
That's kind of flimsy, Carla.

245
00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:13,222
Okay, he went to a movie
with you, Coach.

246
00:16:13,431 --> 00:16:15,349
Oh, yeah, that's nice.

247
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:18,227
Gee, Norm and I haven't been
out together in a long time.

248
00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:23,274
Okay, okay. I can't go through with it,
Mrs. Peterson.

249
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:26,444
- Norm's out with a dame.
- Give me that!

250
00:16:27,403 --> 00:16:31,240
Coach, if you were at the Alamo,
we'd all be wearing sombreros.

251
00:16:32,909 --> 00:16:35,495
What? Emily who?

252
00:16:36,537 --> 00:16:39,248
Oh, yeah, Norm's dame.

253
00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:44,045
Of course he isn't here. I thought
he was pitching woo with you.

254
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,758
You're kidding.

255
00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,470
- Oh, man, it figures.
- What, what, what, what?

256
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:56,307
- Yeah, yeah, I'll tell him to call you.
- What?

257
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,852
We should've known.
Norm chickened out.

258
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:01,479
Oh, come on.

259
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:02,897
What happened?

260
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:06,275
He dropped her off at her apartment
and went to park the car.

261
00:17:06,484 --> 00:17:10,154
That was two hours ago,
and she hasn't seen him since.

262
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:13,491
If he has any pride,
he's killed himself.

263
00:17:14,617 --> 00:17:17,078
Carla, he just came to his senses.

264
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:18,913
He came to his knees.

265
00:17:19,080 --> 00:17:22,875
He did the decent, honorable
and moral thing.

266
00:17:23,084 --> 00:17:25,753
Yeah, and we're gonna make him
pay for it the rest of his life.

267
00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,922
Okay, quiet, everybody.
Here he comes.

268
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:30,883
Now, just act like
you don't know anything.

269
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:33,844
Yeah, something tells me
you boys can handle that.

270
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:40,726
She's an animal.

271
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:46,315
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm!

272
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,612
I'm spent.

273
00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,324
Give me a beer, Coach.

274
00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,955
She couldn't get enough of you,
huh, Norm?

275
00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:03,874
Cliff ie, I had to climb out
the fire escape.

276
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:08,379
You gotta give us all the details, Norm.
And I mean details.

277
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:11,173
I don't know. Is everybody
over 21 here?

278
00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:14,176
- Norman, don't do this.
- Shut up and let the man talk.

279
00:18:14,385 --> 00:18:15,845
So come on, Normie, give.

280
00:18:16,512 --> 00:18:18,973
Well, I think this
just about says it all.

281
00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:22,518
Whoa, Norm, major hickey.

282
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:27,064
That's the only one I can show you
in mixed company, Cliff ie.

283
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:30,776
Norm, I hate to see you
make a fool of yourself,

284
00:18:30,985 --> 00:18:32,236
but Emily called.

285
00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:37,950
She wants more?
That woman is insatiable.

286
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,954
She wanted to know where you were.
She said you didn't show up.

287
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:45,124
And everybody here knows it.

288
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:47,627
Of course.

289
00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:50,504
What do you expect her to do?
Brag about it?

290
00:18:50,713 --> 00:18:53,174
I mean, only a crass lowlife
would do something like that.

291
00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,136
Let's you and me go back
and talk in the poolroom.

292
00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,764
Sure. Big guy wants
some pointers now.

293
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,516
Sure, Sammy, I'll fill you in.

294
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,978
What a pathetic display.

295
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,147
I'm ashamed God made me a man.

296
00:19:08,314 --> 00:19:11,067
I don't think God's doing a lot
of bragging about it either.

297
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,072
I didn't even have
the guts to go in, Sam.

298
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:18,949
I've been sitting out in the car
for the last two hours.

299
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:22,495
What about your hickey here?

300
00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:26,040
I got one of those little vacuum
cleaners in the glove compartment.

301
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,918
I'm such a coward.

302
00:19:30,086 --> 00:19:32,088
No, come on, Norm.

303
00:19:33,130 --> 00:19:36,926
You know, meaningless affairs
aren't all they're cracked up to be.

304
00:19:37,093 --> 00:19:39,178
I've had lots of them.
You think they made me happy?

305
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,722
- Ecstatic.
- Yeah, but that's me, Norm.

306
00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:47,019
You're a different kind of man.

307
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,230
Yeah, you're telling me.

308
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:52,650
- Sammy?
- Yeah.

309
00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:54,276
Can I make a confession
to you right now?

310
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:56,946
Oh, please don't. I'm not--

311
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,322
Sam...

312
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:01,117
...I love my wife.

313
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,036
That's not as bad
as I thought it was gonna be.

314
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:07,039
- Yeah, wait a second. It gets worse.
- Oh, God.

315
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,583
Vera is the only woman
I've ever had.

316
00:20:10,418 --> 00:20:14,880
Now, when you say "had,'
you mean...?

317
00:20:15,089 --> 00:20:16,507
Yes.

318
00:20:17,216 --> 00:20:19,051
- Come on, man, be serious.
- I am.

319
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,595
Well, what's wrong with that?
What's wrong--?

320
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:27,226
I mean, I don't even want
other women, Sam.

321
00:20:28,477 --> 00:20:30,563
All right, don't get me wrong.
I get urges, okay?

322
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,356
- All right.
- But if I acted on those urges,

323
00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:34,358
I'd be no better than a rutting pig.

324
00:20:35,151 --> 00:20:37,653
A happy, singing, dancing,
rutting pig.

325
00:20:42,032 --> 00:20:44,869
Well, I-- I don't know
what this all was about.

326
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:47,580
I mean, you make it sound like
you're confessing a crime here.

327
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,373
Come on, Sam,
people don't go bragging around

328
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:51,167
how they love their wives.

329
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:54,003
When was the last time you saw
guys sit around a bar slamming beers,

330
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:57,298
exchanging great tales
of marital bliss, huh?

331
00:20:59,383 --> 00:21:02,386
So those jokes about Vera
are a bunch of baloney, huh?

332
00:21:02,595 --> 00:21:04,096
I mean, you really love her, huh?

333
00:21:04,305 --> 00:21:08,684
Of course I do. Most of them
aren't even true, you know.

334
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:11,687
- Like that one about the tentacles?
- Yeah.

335
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:19,111
Well, I can only speak for myself
here, but I think that's wonderful.

336
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,946
I don't know.

337
00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:25,201
Yeah, you know, you may
not believe me, but I envy you.

338
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:27,495
- You envy me?
- Yeah, I do.

339
00:21:27,703 --> 00:21:31,081
I used to think that
the more women I conquered,

340
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:34,585
the more it would make me a man.
But, now, I guess

341
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,837
I'm just looking for the right one.

342
00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:38,547
- And now you found Diane.
- That's right.

343
00:21:38,756 --> 00:21:41,383
Boy, when they made her,
they broke the mold.

344
00:21:41,592 --> 00:21:43,427
Tried to pretend
like it was an accident.

345
00:21:45,596 --> 00:21:47,932
See? There, you're doing it.
You're doing it too.

346
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,433
- And you know why?
- Well, no.

347
00:21:49,642 --> 00:21:52,478
Because you're a guy, you see?
And deep down we're all terrified

348
00:21:52,686 --> 00:21:54,688
- of being wusses.
- Yeah.

349
00:21:54,897 --> 00:21:57,191
Now, someone's gotta pay for that.
It might as well be the women.

350
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,402
Hey, ain't that--?
Boy, I'll tell you.

351
00:22:00,611 --> 00:22:05,616
I'm terribly sorry, but I couldn't help
overhearing what you just said.

352
00:22:05,825 --> 00:22:09,161
- How much?
- Well, everything.

353
00:22:09,495 --> 00:22:12,998
See, I discovered accidentally if you go
into the first stall in the women's room,

354
00:22:13,165 --> 00:22:15,543
wet your ear and jam it up
against the wall,

355
00:22:15,751 --> 00:22:19,296
you can hear the occasional word.
Just be glad I did.

356
00:22:19,505 --> 00:22:21,465
Listen to me. Now, Norman,

357
00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:24,093
I have something to say to you
because I can help you.

358
00:22:24,260 --> 00:22:26,178
And I want to say it to your face.

359
00:22:26,345 --> 00:22:28,430
You are a ladies' man.

360
00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:31,350
- I am?
- Yes.

361
00:22:32,184 --> 00:22:36,188
You're a one-woman man, and every
woman loves and respects that.

362
00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:39,400
I don't think you should live your life
in deference

363
00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:42,236
to what some
beer-swilling swine think.

364
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,697
Gee, I always have.

365
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:48,200
Norman...

366
00:22:49,201 --> 00:22:52,079
...they're unhappy with their marriages
or lack thereof,

367
00:22:52,246 --> 00:22:55,499
and they're waiting out there
for you to throw yours away

368
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,751
and lower yourself to their level.

369
00:22:58,502 --> 00:23:01,338
Oh, I hate them.
God, I hate them.

370
00:23:02,131 --> 00:23:03,716
Me too.

371
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:06,135
I tell you, it's time I faced up to it.

372
00:23:06,510 --> 00:23:09,305
My marriage is
my most prized possession.

373
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:12,766
And next to my Honda Civic,
my only possession.

374
00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:15,978
I happen to love my wife,
and I don't care who knows it.

375
00:23:16,145 --> 00:23:19,398
- All right. Hey, man.
- Hey, you guys, listen up out here!

376
00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:22,526
- You're a wimp, Norm.
- I happen to love my wife.

377
00:23:22,735 --> 00:23:25,029
I'm not about to throw away
11 years of marriage.

378
00:23:25,195 --> 00:23:28,574
- Oh, isn't he sweet?
- You're a wuss, Norm.

379
00:23:28,782 --> 00:23:30,784
Hey, let me finish, will you?

380
00:23:30,993 --> 00:23:32,786
Come on, Norman,
stand up to them.

381
00:23:32,995 --> 00:23:33,996
Come on, man, you--

382
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,206
Hey, I'm not gonna throw away
11 years of marriage.

383
00:23:36,832 --> 00:23:39,460
I'm looking for someone
to haul it away.

384
00:23:40,169 --> 00:23:42,630
All right, let me tell you a little bit
about my honeymoon suite,

385
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:45,507
or as I call it, the dead zone.

386
00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:48,719
Hey, you wanna see an impression
of my wife,

387
00:23:48,928 --> 00:23:50,596
Vera Peterson,
at the dentist's office?

388
00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,182
Where's my jacket? Where--?

389
00:23:53,349 --> 00:23:55,434
This is gonna be great.

390
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:57,478
Oh, shut up.

391
00:23:58,020 --> 00:24:00,230
Doctor, would you please
clean my fangs?

392
00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:04,276
Do you believe this?

393
00:24:04,485 --> 00:24:05,861
Just a sec.
I don't wanna miss this.