Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hey, everybody.
I'm back from my Florida vacation.
Yeah, good to be home again, back with the old gang.
Hey, how you been, pal? Glad to, buddy.
Look at that. There's the old bar, huh?
It hasn't changed a bit.
Hey, you're back. Good to see you.
- Hey, it's good to be back. - Oh, it's you.
You know, from behind, you look like a friend of mine.
Oh, hey, you kidder.
You kidder. I'll get you for that.
- Hey, so, hiya, Coach. - Hi, Cliff ie.
Boy, did I have a spectacular time down there in Florida,
basking up the old Florida sunshine.
Hoo! I'll tell you. Really got my head screwed on straight, too.
You know, Coach, that experience changed me.
I'm now at one with the cosmos.
No more getting caught up...
One with the cosmos, Coach.
No more getting caught up
in the petty irritations of day-to-day life...
I'm just the kind of guy...
Yeah.
I stood on many a wind-swept beach--
And felt a oneness...
Felt... l--
Anybody want a "My-tie?"
"My-tie," Cliff!
Lookie, look!
Do you get it? "My-tie?"
My tie, Cliff ie!
Good afternoon, everybody.
Norm!
Beer, Normie?
You know how to make it sound tempting,
you fast talker.
Guess who, buddy.
Hey, Cliff ie.
Missed you the last couple of days.
I've been gone two weeks now.
I know.
Oh, God, I missed this guy!
So Norm, how's Vera?
Any luck getting her in the family way yet?
Still working on it.
Hey, Norm, you want a kid?
Ah, not really.
I'm just kind of going along with it
to shut Vera up, you know.
She says she wants to start a family
so she'll have something to do.
Poor Norm here's been shooting blanks
for the last couple of months.
Little louder, Cliff, we'll dance to it, huh?
Come on.
Hey, don't worry, Normie.
You'll be planting your seed before you know it.
I hope so.
The doc says if something doesn't happen soon,
we may have to take a drastic step.
You mean...
Yeah, sleep together.
Our prayers are with you, big guy.
Thank you. Thank you.
So, Coach, how's Sammy been doing since I have been away?
Ah, just about the same, Cliff ie... Terrible.
Yeah, you should have seen him the other night, Cliff ie.
He walks in here with this lady librarian, right?
- Yeah. - She's off-duty, right?
They both have a snoot full.
The lady librarian's got--
Hey, gang!
Ah, never mind.
My story's obsolete.
- Coach? - Yeah.
This is my bar, isn't it?
Yeah, it sure is, Sam.
See? I told you I owned a bar.
Ooh, I like it, Sam.
Well, it's not much, but then again, I am.
Hey, Sammy?
I think you got one over the legal limit there, buddy.
Hey, Cliff ie's back!
How was your vacation?
Ooh, my vacation. You remembered, huh?
Atlantic City, right?
Yeah, it was terrific. Thanks a lot.
What branch of the service
are these young ladies in?
I stole them off the front of a parade last night, Coach.
At this very moment,
there are 26 tuba players marching right into the river.
Show them your stuff there, girls.
God, I love it.
Excuse me, Sam.
Ooh...
While you're waiting for runway clearance...
Do you mind taking a look at this?
Well, this is a piece of paper, isn't it?
Yeah.
And those are words. Well this is a--- a letter something.
It is Joanne's resignation.
Hey, girls, take a break and give your dimples a rest, huh?
What?
We lost another waitress
because she said she found out
she wasn't the only girl in your life.
Aw, nonsense, Carla.
She's been listening to vicious rumors.
Sammy, this means that I have to work alone again.
I mean, we can't keep a waitress in here
because you keep breaking their hearts.
Well, obviously I need a good talking to.
Sammy, this is serious!
We have gone through eight waitresses
in six months.
Bet you I can remember all the names.
Dee Dee... Carlene, Angela...
Sneezy, Dopey, Donner, and Blitzen.
Okay, girls...
Ho!
Step right this way, ladies.
It's time for the half-time show
at the Sammy-dome.
Here you go, step lively.
Poor Sam.
Yeah, my heart bleeds for him.
Yeah, sure, Cliff ie,
he looks like he's having a lot of fun,
but, believe me, this is just the first stage.
He's going to end up drinking himself senseless.
He's turning into a real jerk, you know?
Spends all his time boozing,
chasing skirts,
and loving and leaving waitresses.
I wonder what set him off?
Suppose maybe it might have been Dia--
Diabetes!
You were going to say that name, weren't you?
- No, I wasn't. - Yes, you were.
You know my rule.
But I didn't say it.
I don't even want you to think it.
Use that name
and I will give you a sunroof.
All right, look, look.
What difference does it make
how it started?
Hey, the important thing
is can we do anything to stop him?
If we can't stop him, can we join him?
Sammy!
If we can't join him, do you think he'd let me watch?
Cheers.
Yeah, he's here. I'll give him the message.
Normie, it's Vera.
She says to hurry home. Her cycle is at its peak.
Again?
Her cycle has more peaks than the Adirondacks.
Hey, all systems are go there, big fella.
Even Secretariat got to wait until he was in the mood
once in a while.
Birds do it Bees do it
Even educated fleas do it
Poor Coach.
After all you went through with Sam,
seeing him right back there, where he was.
Yeah, really-- really, Carla,
it-- it's eating me up.
I'm telling you, I'm so desperate
I feel like I'm going to do something crazy.
As a matter of fact, I am going to do something crazy!
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Coach. What're you going to do?
I know exactly what Sam needs.
Coach, your apron.
He's got an apron!
Please just put them down over there, Boggs.
Thank you, Miss.
Now I know why I became a chauffeur
instead of a longshoreman.
I would have been 72 on my next birthday.
I appreciate your bringing me home, Boggs.
Well, your mother and I felt very strongly
that the first face one should encounter
on leaving a place like that should be a friendly one.
Speaking of mother,
why didn't she ever visit me there?
Well, she wanted to visit you, Miss Diane,
but you know how uncomfortable she is
around psychiatrists.
She could have written me a letter.
And let them see her handwriting?
Boggs, that's insane.
Well, as your mother would say,
let's see them prove it in court.
Which reminds me,
I should be getting back to her right now.
Well, thanks again for driving me home, Boggs.
It's my pleasure.
I must say, it's so nice to see you happy again.
Boggs, I think I'm as happy as I've ever been.
I have a new life.
All these wonderful things have happened to me.
I'm better now.
Ah!
Miss?
I'm fine, Boggs.
I was just a little startled.
It's a perfectly normal reaction.
Perfectly.
Oh!
Who is it?
It's Ernie Pantusso.
Coach?
What do you want?
Diane, I have to talk to you.
It's important.
Coach,
you're a dear man,
and I love you and I've missed you,
but you're part of a period of my life
that I want to see fade into memory.
Do you understand, Coach?
Coach?
Western Union.
This is a man I could never resist.
How have you been?
I'm fine, honey. How've you been?
I'm okay, thank you.
I'm sorry I had to fool you that way, you know.
Hi.
Perhaps I should be taking this opportunity
to be going along.
Well, say hello to Mummy.
Why don't you have her call me?
You know how she feels about telephones.
Well, tell her to write.
Or I'll write.
Or maybe we'll just run into each other sometime.
Nothing would please her more.
Goodbye.
How many pairs of socks
do you figure a guy like that has?
I have no idea.
Can I get you something?
I don't know exactly what I've got.
I've been away several months at a sana... vacation.
I've had a vacation.
Oh, gee, you didn't happen to run into Cliff ie, did you?
No.
Did he have a nervous... vacation, too?
Oh, he's a wreck. Oh...
Listen, Diane, have you given any thought
to stopping by the place and saying hello to everybody?
Coach, that wouldn't be a good idea.
Why do you ask?
Does anyone there ask about me?
No, that Carla won't let them.
Diane, listen, I want you to come back to Cheers
and have a talk with Sam.
Talk with S-s-s...
S-s-s...
Yes, it's very important.
Maybe S-s-s... S-s-s...
S-s-s... S-s-s...
S-s-s...
Maybe the bartender there...
didn't tell you about our last conversation,
but it ended in wrath and acrimony.
I vowed never to return to Cheers,
and I want to make this very clear to you.
Nothing in heaven or hell will ever get me back there.
Sam.
Diane, you might be my last chance.
Sam's boozing again.
Oh, dear.
Poor S-s-s...
Poor, dear S-s-s...
...am.
Well, I'm back.
Norm!
What'll it be, Normie?
A transfusion with a head on it.
- Normie? - Yeah?
Are you sure you want to have a kid?
I don't know.
You know, once the monster comes along,
your whole life is going to be different.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Coach, you've had kids.
Does a baby change you?
Are you kidding, Normie?
It can't even change itself.
Well, I'll have to remember that.
- What day is it? - Friday.
Well, that's it for me.
Good night, everybody. Have a good evening.
Sam! Sam! Please, you can't leave.
Why not?
I... because a friend of yours is dropping by this afternoon,
and I kind of promised that, you know, I'd keep you here.
Oh, hey, great!
One of my old buds, huh?
I smell high times coming.
Well, no, actually, it's one of your old girlfriends.
Ooh, better still.
Hope it's one of the wild ones, Coach.
But then again,
they were all wild, weren't they?
Well, no, they weren't all wild.
Hold it right there, Coach!
If you're talking a--
If you're talking about the stick,
I'm going to pull your lower lip up over your head
like a cabbage leaf.
Aw, come on, cut it out, Carla.
Diane's not coming back here.
She said she's not coming back.
Well, she just might come by.
What makes you say that?
Because I asked her.
You what?--
Sam!
Come on, what the hell did you do that for?
I knew you were going to hate this,
but, please, just listen to what she has to say.
Promise me.
Oh, oh, I--
I know what this is all about.
It's this drinking crap, isn't it, Coach?
How many times I got to tell you?
I'm drinking because I like it,
because it tastes good, and because I want to.
Oh, G--
Coach, I don't want to see Diane Chambers.
Well, you're going to have to see her
because she's coming by here any second now!
God!
We are all sitting around here like we're at the Queen's Tea,
and that thing is on its way.
In fact, it's very close.
I can sense it.
Oh!
It's here!
And it's going to walk in
and say something.
Stay out of this, Carla.
Hello...
Sam.
Hi there.
Did you forget something?
I just dropped in
to see how everyone was doing.
Oh, I just got back from Florida, Diane.
Everybody's doing fine.
You're looking pretty good.
Thank you, Sam.
How're you doing?
Oh, I've never been better in my entire life.
Oh, for God's sakes, will you stop it, Sam?
You've been boozing with two hands
ever since Diane walked out on you.
Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry.
You know, you both are crazier than hell.
I threw her out of here
and my drinking has got nothing, repeat nothing,
to do with Diane Chambers.
You hear that, everybody?
Nothing!
No, you're all wrong.
Sorry.
I did start drinking when she left.
I was celebrating.
Celebrating the day I got rid of you.
You hear that, everybody?
Celebrating.
Well, let me tell you something, Sam.
I have two birthdays now.
One to mark the occasion when my mother bore me,
and one to commemorate my glorious rebirth
when I walked out of here.
Just one more time--
You did not walk out of here.
I kicked you out,
and I would do it again,
except no man deserves that much pleasure in one life.
Your brain could find shelter in the shade of a snow pea.
Hey!
Don't, Sam!
Please.
I didn't come here to fight with you.
I came here to help.
Ah.
Well, I've never been happier in my entire life.
What're you going to do?
Help me out of all my happiness?
You're the one person who could do it.
No, all I really want you to do is see a friend of mine.
He's a man I met recently at a sana... vacation.
She's been locked up
in a home for the silly in Connecticut
for three months.
I was not locked up.
I could come and go at will.
And, besides, it's not true.
And how did you know about it?
I got a cousin who's a private dick.
I wanted to find out if you were really gone.
And you were really gone.
I entered Goldenbrook of my own volition
for a little rest, relaxation...
What are you laughing at?
Well, I've had women get depressed when they left me,
but I've never had one that went--
Charm like yours
is a hard thing to live without, all right.
It had nothing to do with you, Sam.
After I left here, I decided I needed to regroup.
I needed to go someplace and take a good look at myself.
Ah, shock treatment.
Carla, let's help Sam first.
And when the psychiatric profession
has gained confidence from that triumph,
we'll put every man Jack of them on your case.
Sam?
Will you please just meet this man?
Come on, Diane.
Look, it...
Yeah, I'm drinking again, but it-- it's not...
it's not the same thing.
This time, it's good-time controlled drinking.
Before, it was negative.
Now it's for fun.
It won't kill you to talk to the guy, Sam.
Coach, it's a waste of time.
Am I right, Carla?
See what the Stick's friend has got to say.
Oh, come on, Carla, you don't think...
You listening to this, guys?
Sammy...
I just want to say this
because you're my friend, all right?
Don't get all defensive,
but maybe you are drinking
a little more than you should.
Well, so are you.
I already have a mother, lush-face.
Sorry.
I just think maybe you ought to hear the guy out.
Hey, Sammy, the way I see it
is it can't do any harm
and psychiatry has come a long way
since the snake-pit age.
Sam?
They're all trying to tell you you need help.
I know what they're saying. And I know why they're saying it.
Coach here has gotten them all to gang up on me.
Boy, I tell you,
when you try to be a fun-loving drunk,
you sure find out who your friends are.
Okay, Sam, fine, forget it.
Drink all you want.
But I know the real reason you're doing it.
Oh, what are you talking about?
What real reason?
Well, you're afraid
that I'm right about you and the doctor.
And one thing in the world you can't stand
is admitting that I'm right about anything.
Wrong again.
You're scared, Sam.
Okay...
if I go see this guy, and he tells me
that I'm just a happy, well-adjusted souse,
which he will,
if the quack has a brain in his head,
would you all please leave me alone?
Of course. Won't we?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, fine.
Tell him to drop by.
I'll try to fit him in between dames.
Why don't you say hello to him right now?
Hello, Sam.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sorry I startled you.
This is weird.
Diane told me that you're basically a good,
open-minded person and that you'd be responsive,
so I took the liberty of dropping by a little early.
She actually said something nice about me, huh?
She says a lot of nice things about you.
Really?
So what say we go somewhere
and have a cup of coffee
and... get to know each other?
Okay. Fine.
A few cups of Irish coffee and a chat it is.
Do you mind if I freshen up a little bit?
- Fine. - Thank you, Sam.
Boy, you sure are back in here
for somebody who said they were never coming back in here.
Human beings change, Sam.
I've changed. So can you.
And rest assured, my coming here is a one-time visit.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but you just called me human for the first time.
I guess I just needed a little time to think about it.
I knew it.
- What? - I knew it.
What? Knew what?
Aw, come on, are you kidding me, Coach?
Don't you see what's going on here? She's nuts about me.
Her young Dr. Killjoy there
is just her way of saving face
to get back in the bar.
Gee, I don't know, Sam.
I... Oh, come on.
I know the look.
She's in love.
Well, I have to run.
Diane, you're a remarkable woman
to help a man who's caused you so much grief.
I'm free of it now, Frasier.
I'm free of so many things
now that I've fallen in love with you.
I am the luckiest person on earth.
The second luckiest.
No, no.
Not here, Diane.
Of course.
I get carried away sometimes.
I understand.
That's why I love you.