1 00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,254 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,049 I'm sorry it has to be like this-- 3 00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:09,343 - Why? - Mm... 4 00:00:10,636 --> 00:00:13,263 Back up the garbage truck, Cliff ie. 5 00:00:13,430 --> 00:00:15,265 Entering Dump City. 6 00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,851 Hey, hey, hey, hey! 7 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,478 Come on, let's have a little sensitivity here. 8 00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:21,522 I mean, that's a living, feeling human being there 9 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,982 who's about to be blown out of the water. 10 00:00:24,983 --> 00:00:26,318 Coach, you want to stand aside? 11 00:00:26,485 --> 00:00:27,861 I can't see anything here. 12 00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:30,197 Sam, I know it's my fault. 13 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,199 I should have said something sooner. 14 00:00:32,366 --> 00:00:34,576 No, I'm sorry. lt-- It's just that I told you, 15 00:00:34,743 --> 00:00:37,204 it's a rule with me. Now, it's the right thing to do. 16 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,122 I-- I think we both realize that. 17 00:00:39,289 --> 00:00:40,582 - I suppose you're right. - Yeah. 18 00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:43,418 But don't you think that if we just worked-- 19 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:45,587 No, come on. Let's make a-- Let's make a clean break. 20 00:00:45,754 --> 00:00:48,924 Stop now, and we'll still have all those terrific memories. 21 00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:50,676 Now, go, go. 22 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,719 Come on, don't make it any tougher. 23 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:55,180 - Goodbye, Sam. - Goodbye. 24 00:00:55,347 --> 00:00:57,349 Available in paperback 25 00:00:57,516 --> 00:01:00,310 wherever nauseating trash is sold. 26 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,971 You wanna tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? 27 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,014 Well... 28 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,807 She looked perfect to me. Body was a ten. 29 00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,017 - Yeah, so was her face. - Yeah. 30 00:02:22,184 --> 00:02:23,477 So was her I.Q. 31 00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:25,854 Sam's kind of gal. 32 00:02:26,021 --> 00:02:27,939 She was married. 33 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:31,068 Nah, nah, nah. She just told me just now. 34 00:02:31,234 --> 00:02:32,736 I mean, that-- that's something I don't do. 35 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,404 I don't mess around with married women. 36 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:35,947 Me either. 37 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:40,702 Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere. 38 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,788 Hey, hey, I draw lots of lines. 39 00:02:42,954 --> 00:02:44,998 As a matter of fact, there are three categories of women 40 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:49,086 I never get involved with-- married, underage, and comatose. 41 00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,922 He's added one. 42 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,759 Sam, may I have my purse, please? 43 00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,804 What're you grinning about? 44 00:02:58,970 --> 00:03:01,181 Oh, I was just confirming once again 45 00:03:01,348 --> 00:03:04,518 what a fortunate thing it was that you and I split up. 46 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:08,897 Now my love life is stable and yours belongs in one. 47 00:03:15,362 --> 00:03:17,239 I'll have to share that one with Frasier. 48 00:03:17,406 --> 00:03:19,366 Puns are his greatest pleasure. 49 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:21,451 You mean now that he's sleeping with you? 50 00:03:30,502 --> 00:03:34,923 Carla, that was a mean-spirited, tasteless insult. 51 00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,216 Why aren't you chortling? 52 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,009 Leave me alone. 53 00:03:38,176 --> 00:03:40,762 I've got the worst toothache in the history of the world. 54 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:43,932 Oh, must be an impacted wisdom fang. 55 00:03:44,766 --> 00:03:45,767 Die! You're going to die! 56 00:03:47,060 --> 00:03:48,937 Carla, why don't you do with a toothache 57 00:03:49,104 --> 00:03:51,898 what I used to do when I played in the minors? 58 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:52,941 What's that, Coach? 59 00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,818 Saw a dentist. 60 00:03:58,780 --> 00:03:59,656 You're right, Coach. 61 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,742 I'm going to have to go tomorrow. 62 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:04,661 You know, I got my bad dental habits from my parents. 63 00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:07,080 They taught me to brush after every war. 64 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,958 Coachie, how about one for the road, huh? 65 00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,126 Right. 66 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,421 So, Normie, how's Vera doing? 67 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:16,047 Well, she's all right, 68 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,924 but she's nagging to get a new house. 69 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,927 Well, having any luck in finding one? 70 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:23,597 Well, we've got to get rid of the old one first. 71 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:25,098 Well, you know, Norm, 72 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,725 I've been thinking about getting another place. 73 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,685 It's yours. 74 00:04:28,852 --> 00:04:31,021 I'd like to take a look at it first. 75 00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:33,231 The man's a shrewd buyer, Coach. 76 00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:35,817 Yeah. What's wrong with where you're living, Cliff? 77 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,444 Well, nothing really, Coach. I just thought 78 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,780 it'd be about time I got a place of my own. 79 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:40,989 Oh. 80 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:42,908 A place of your own? Where do you live now? 81 00:04:43,074 --> 00:04:44,701 Oh, you know where I live. 82 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,077 No, I've never been there. 83 00:04:46,244 --> 00:04:47,245 I... 84 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:48,622 live at home. 85 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:52,042 At home? Whose home? 86 00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,711 My parents' home. No big deal. 87 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:55,796 Good night, guys. 88 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,047 Parents? 89 00:04:57,339 --> 00:04:59,466 Cliff ie, wait, you live with Mommy and Daddy? 90 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,093 I live with my mother, Norm. 91 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:03,261 Well, why? 92 00:05:03,428 --> 00:05:04,888 Oh, it's not out of choice, Norm. 93 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,057 It's out of more of a sense of responsibility. 94 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,266 You see, 95 00:05:08,433 --> 00:05:10,101 my father abandoned us a couple of years ago, 96 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,229 and I've sort of become the man of the house. 97 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:14,439 So, you got, like, a curfew or anything like that? 98 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:15,982 Curfew, come on, Norm, 99 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,693 I can stay out as long as I want as long as I call by 10:00. 100 00:05:20,695 --> 00:05:21,738 Good night, Sam. 101 00:05:22,364 --> 00:05:24,115 Good night, Coach. 102 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:33,834 Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed. 103 00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:34,918 That's okay. 104 00:05:35,085 --> 00:05:36,211 I'm not a customer. 105 00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,255 I'm looking for Sam Malone. 106 00:05:38,421 --> 00:05:39,798 Well, you found him. I'm Sam Malone. 107 00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,633 I'm Maxine's husband. 108 00:05:43,552 --> 00:05:45,595 Not the Sam Malone, a Sam Malone. 109 00:05:45,762 --> 00:05:47,264 Not the one you're looking for, though. 110 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:49,099 I mean, he hasn't been around here for-- 111 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,934 Why'd you do it, Sam? 112 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,812 Oh, now, wait, wait! You just listen to me. 113 00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,939 I did not know that she was married. 114 00:05:56,106 --> 00:05:57,732 Come on, she just told me today, 115 00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,025 and the second I found out, 116 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,902 I called it off. I mean, that was it. 117 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:01,945 I mean, ask her. 118 00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,824 I may have done a lot of lousy things in my life, 119 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,076 but I do not mess around with other men's wives. 120 00:06:08,243 --> 00:06:10,954 So, what are you saying? It's all her fault? 121 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:13,790 No, no, I-- I'm not saying it's anybody's fault. 122 00:06:13,957 --> 00:06:17,168 It was just a-- a big mistake, that's all. 123 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,422 I know-- I know we've all been hurt by this... 124 00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:22,757 and I'm sorry. 125 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,304 What am I doing? 126 00:06:27,470 --> 00:06:29,431 I mean, who am I kidding? 127 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:32,142 She's a tramp. 128 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:34,978 I mean, I think I've always known it 129 00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:36,605 and I've never admitted it. 130 00:06:39,065 --> 00:06:40,650 You got anything to drink? 131 00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,615 Yeah, I think I got a bottle here someplace. 132 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:50,118 Scotch all right? 133 00:06:50,285 --> 00:06:52,287 Yeah. Yeah, bring it over, will you? 134 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:57,626 You're not a... mean drunk, are you? 135 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,504 Nah. Just a stupid one. 136 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,465 By the way, don't flatter yourself 137 00:07:03,632 --> 00:07:05,050 thinking that you're the first, huh? 138 00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:06,927 I mean, there have been others. 139 00:07:07,510 --> 00:07:09,429 Just out of curiosity, 140 00:07:09,596 --> 00:07:11,264 they still with us? 141 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:19,439 If she just weren't so damn gorgeous, Sam. 142 00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:22,567 Yeah, I know, I know. It's... 143 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:26,738 it's tough being married to a beautiful woman. 144 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:29,574 - Oh. - You know-- You know, it-- 145 00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:31,576 It's like that sweet old love ballad says. 146 00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,165 "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, 147 00:07:37,332 --> 00:07:41,127 never make a pretty woman your wife. 148 00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,546 From my personal point of view, 149 00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:45,048 get an ugly girl to marry you." 150 00:07:45,215 --> 00:07:46,967 Remember that? 151 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:49,344 Oh, I should have listened! 152 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,598 I'm really sorry, Sam. 153 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:54,599 Oh... 154 00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,476 I've been out of my mind. 155 00:07:56,643 --> 00:07:58,645 Women! Look what they bring us to. 156 00:07:58,853 --> 00:08:00,438 Oh, I'll tell you, you know, 157 00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,107 they put you through hell, don't they? 158 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:03,274 Yeah. 159 00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,402 You know, I get the feeling they-- they enjoy it too. 160 00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:06,569 Yeah. 161 00:08:06,736 --> 00:08:09,489 Why don't I-- why don't I just hold on to this, huh? 162 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:12,993 Put it some place where it's not going to do any damage. 163 00:08:13,159 --> 00:08:14,494 Yeah. 164 00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:18,456 Gee, I wish I hadn't done that. 165 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:24,879 Hey, everybody! 166 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:25,964 Great day, isn't it? 167 00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:27,632 Carla, did you get your tooth fixed? 168 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:28,633 Yep. 169 00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,177 I am never going to be afraid 170 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:32,512 to go to the dentist again. 171 00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:33,763 Oh? 172 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,348 I found a way to communicate with him. 173 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,766 How's that? 174 00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:39,894 - Well, as he leans in with his drill... - Yeah 175 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:43,565 I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention, 176 00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:46,651 and I said, 177 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:49,320 "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?" 178 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,450 - All right. - Carla? 179 00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:56,494 Did that work? 180 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,371 We're having a late dinner. 181 00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:02,751 Sam! 182 00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,502 What the hell happened to you? 183 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:07,464 Oh, nothing, really. Nothing at all. 184 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,383 What do you mean nothing? You come limping in with a cane. 185 00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:15,805 Well, there was a little trouble in the bar last night, 186 00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:16,848 but it was no big deal. 187 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:20,060 Well, well, what happened, Sam? Come on. 188 00:09:26,357 --> 00:09:29,402 Well, a... a thief broke in, 189 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,739 and I had to run him out, 190 00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,658 and I caught a bullet in the leg here. 191 00:09:35,825 --> 00:09:37,243 A bullet in the leg! 192 00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,953 Well, no, come on, it-- it's no big deal. 193 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,623 Let's just go back to our business, huh? 194 00:09:45,251 --> 00:09:49,089 Good Lord, Sam, you grappled with an armed marauder? 195 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,175 You could have lost your life! 196 00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,136 Well, yeah, I guess I could have, 197 00:09:55,303 --> 00:09:56,429 but that's something 198 00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,014 you only think about afterwards, really. 199 00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,266 Whew, talk about guts! 200 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,894 Ah, no, no. It had nothing to do with guts, Norm. 201 00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,395 It's just reflex. 202 00:10:04,562 --> 00:10:06,189 I mean, I am an athlete. 203 00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,608 Let's hear it for Mayday. Another save, huh? 204 00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,320 Oh, now, come on. 205 00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:15,198 Will you sit down here? 206 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:17,075 No, no, no. I think I'll stand. 207 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,285 Gee, Sam, you should give us some details. 208 00:10:21,329 --> 00:10:23,081 Details, huh? 209 00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:28,419 All right, all right, that's easy enough. Well, Coach... 210 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,340 These guys burst into the bar and basically-- 211 00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:34,676 Wait, I thought it was just one guy. 212 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,470 No, I just said one guy had a gun... 213 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,974 ...that I saw. 214 00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,351 I mean, they could have all had guns, 215 00:10:43,518 --> 00:10:46,187 but as soon as they... saw what I did to their pal, 216 00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:47,522 they just took off out of there. 217 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,317 I mean, basically, they were all cowards. 218 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,902 Yeah, amen to that, Sammy. 219 00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:54,112 Anyway, Coach, 220 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:56,531 the guy was holding his gun on me, 221 00:10:56,698 --> 00:10:58,783 and, well, 222 00:10:58,950 --> 00:11:00,451 I waited for the right moment, 223 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,371 and then I just kicked out with my leg, 224 00:11:03,538 --> 00:11:05,290 kind of like, 225 00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,958 oh, I guess the closest comparison 226 00:11:07,125 --> 00:11:08,168 would be Bruce Lee, really. 227 00:11:12,547 --> 00:11:15,383 Let's see, I made contact with the gun, 228 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,343 and he pulled the trigger, 229 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:18,970 bullet caught me in the leg, 230 00:11:19,137 --> 00:11:20,180 and the gun went flying. 231 00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:22,599 And the rest just took off out of there. 232 00:11:22,765 --> 00:11:24,309 Mayday! 233 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,936 Mayday, Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! 234 00:11:27,103 --> 00:11:28,980 Come on, you guys. Come on. 235 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,899 I guess I really shouldn't have done it, 236 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:33,026 but I'll tell you something. The next time, 237 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,236 one of those drunk, drugged-out punks 238 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:38,531 decide to break in, and take advantage of an honest citizen, 239 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,450 they'll think twice about it, I'll tell you. 240 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,121 You guys... 241 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:47,332 Just like the old days, huh, Sam? 242 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,375 - Hey, Coach. - Way to go, Mayday? 243 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,668 Ow! 244 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:55,465 Well, I still dance on it, huh? 245 00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:59,802 Coach, I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark. 246 00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,222 It's all that cheese. 247 00:12:13,983 --> 00:12:15,735 Sam, when you say in the leg-- 248 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,029 All right, all right, so it wasn't exactly the leg. 249 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:19,322 It was a little higher up. 250 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:23,243 Well, the important thing is that you're okay. 251 00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,286 But exactly how did they manage 252 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,830 to shoot you in the "I know what"? 253 00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,707 Well... Well, you know, 254 00:12:29,874 --> 00:12:31,626 when you're surrounded by armed marauders 255 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:33,670 with automatic weapons... 256 00:12:33,962 --> 00:12:35,588 Bullets ricocheting-- Sam! 257 00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:36,756 Maxine! 258 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,384 When my husband left last night with a gun, 259 00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:40,760 I never, ever thought he would-- 260 00:12:40,927 --> 00:12:42,095 Of course you didn't think. 261 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,638 Why would you think about something 262 00:12:43,805 --> 00:12:45,056 that has nothing to do with anything 263 00:12:45,223 --> 00:12:46,266 that's ever happened to me? 264 00:12:48,017 --> 00:12:49,978 Say, you know, I've got a question for you, Diane. 265 00:12:50,144 --> 00:12:51,938 Whatever happened to the old metric system? 266 00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,690 Weren't we supposed to change 267 00:12:53,856 --> 00:12:56,276 all those measuring cups? 268 00:12:56,442 --> 00:13:00,029 So that was your act of heroism? 269 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,698 Mayday's moment of truth? 270 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:02,949 Getting shot in the fanny 271 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,701 while in flight from a jealous husband. 272 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,412 Oh, now wait! Who said I was running away? 273 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:11,582 How else do you explain the location of your wound? 274 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:15,086 Well, I could have been coming at him 275 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:19,382 and turned a somersault to throw off his aim. 276 00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:21,217 You know, you're very lucky 277 00:13:21,384 --> 00:13:23,469 that you didn't get any brain damage. 278 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:28,725 Okay, all right, let's get our facts straight here, huh? 279 00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,269 I did not know she was married. 280 00:13:31,436 --> 00:13:33,271 I cut it off as soon as I found out. 281 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:34,605 And I was not running away. 282 00:13:34,772 --> 00:13:36,441 I was putting the gun in my back pocket 283 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:38,693 - when it-- when it went off. - Oh-ho-ho... 284 00:13:40,403 --> 00:13:43,698 This is a perfect comment on your lifestyle. 285 00:13:43,865 --> 00:13:45,908 - Will you answer me one question? - What? 286 00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,410 When you went to the doctor, 287 00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,746 did you ask him to get the lead out? 288 00:13:49,912 --> 00:13:51,748 Oh, Frasier's going to love that one, isn't he? 289 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:54,625 Oh, Frasier's weekend is made. 290 00:13:54,792 --> 00:13:57,754 Come on, enough jokes. 291 00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:59,714 Just do me one favor. 292 00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:02,592 I will not change your dressing. 293 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:03,760 No, no, no, no, listen, 294 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,219 just back me up on this, will you? 295 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:08,139 If everybody finds out what really happened... 296 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,224 They might make you the butt of their jokes. 297 00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,063 I'll save that one for his birthday. 298 00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,940 Come on, just promise me, will you? 299 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:20,526 Just-- Just don't say anything, huh? 300 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,405 Sure, Sam, I won't blow your story, 301 00:14:24,572 --> 00:14:26,407 - but I must warn you. - Hmm? 302 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,159 The bigger the lie, 303 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:30,661 the bigger the fool one might appear later to be. 304 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,246 Well, whatever. 305 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:37,335 The thing is that, I did get a little carried away, 306 00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,670 but it-- there's no harm done, and it's all over. 307 00:14:39,837 --> 00:14:40,880 So let's just forget it. 308 00:14:41,047 --> 00:14:42,006 - Sam? - Yeah? 309 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,634 Come quick. There's a film crew from the 6:00 news out here. 310 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:45,885 Oh, gee, how about that? 311 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:48,346 Gee, I wonder what they want, huh? 312 00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:53,267 Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! 313 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:06,364 So, Cliff ie, you going to buy Norm's house or not? 314 00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:09,492 Oh, yeah, you betcha, Coach. 315 00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:10,868 Yeah, don't tell him I said so, 316 00:15:11,035 --> 00:15:13,246 but the building inspector I sent down there to check it out? 317 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,123 He says his house is in terrific shape. 318 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:16,958 - Coach, draft, please. - Yeah. 319 00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:20,586 Well, why wouldn't you want to tell him a thing like that? 320 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,547 Coach, the guy is really hot to sell. 321 00:15:22,713 --> 00:15:24,424 I'm going to low ball him on this one, 322 00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,300 take his shirt, 323 00:15:26,467 --> 00:15:28,553 and he's going to end up looking like a giant sap. 324 00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:30,388 Clifford! 325 00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,348 I can't believe my ears. 326 00:15:32,515 --> 00:15:35,685 Gee, and I've never believed your hair or your nose. 327 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:39,814 What does that leave us? 328 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:43,234 You would take advantage of your best friend? 329 00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:45,570 Oh, Diane, friendship has its place, 330 00:15:45,736 --> 00:15:46,988 but not in the world of business-- 331 00:15:47,155 --> 00:15:48,197 Especially in real estate, 332 00:15:48,364 --> 00:15:50,950 where it's strictly dog-eat-dog. 333 00:15:51,159 --> 00:15:53,953 One fidoburger coming up! 334 00:15:54,912 --> 00:15:55,913 Oh! 335 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:56,956 - Norm! - Yeah. 336 00:15:57,123 --> 00:15:58,749 Could I have your ear for a second? 337 00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,293 Sure. 338 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,128 Despite my building inspector's protest, 339 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,547 I've decided to put a bid on your house. 340 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:06,674 There it is. Yup, I'm afraid that's 341 00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,051 going to have to be my top offer. 342 00:16:09,635 --> 00:16:12,054 Whoa! You got yourself a deal! 343 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,181 - Hey--! - What? 344 00:16:13,347 --> 00:16:15,183 Yeah! Hey, everybody, I sold the house! 345 00:16:15,349 --> 00:16:17,226 - Normie sold the house. - Wait'll I tell Vera. 346 00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,520 I can look at that place with the pool room now. 347 00:16:19,687 --> 00:16:22,648 Wait, Norm, Normie, you know, that's an eight there. 348 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,108 An eight? I thought it was a two! 349 00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:26,360 Ooh, at last. English-speaking neighbors. 350 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:27,862 Hey, hey, Norm, 351 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:29,489 there's something about this house I don't know. 352 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:30,781 -What is it? - The market value. 353 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,826 You know that paper's not notarized there, Norm. 354 00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,829 It was an honor meeting Boston's newest hero, Sam. 355 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:38,122 Oh, thanks. 356 00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:40,625 Anybody ever tell you you were like Gary Cooper? 357 00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:42,877 Yup! 358 00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:45,379 Well, good night. Great place! 359 00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:46,839 Thank you. Yeah, thanks very much. 360 00:16:47,381 --> 00:16:48,508 What a night. 361 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,219 Two hundred bucks in tips. 362 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:54,263 What're you going to do with all that money, Carla? 363 00:16:54,430 --> 00:16:57,350 I am going to spend it all on my kids. 364 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:58,726 Good girl. 365 00:16:59,185 --> 00:17:00,728 How many gunny sacks and one-way tickets 366 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,522 do you think it'll buy? 367 00:17:04,148 --> 00:17:05,608 Gee, I don't know, Carla. 368 00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:09,153 Aw, come on, what--? 369 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,947 What are you looking at me like that for? 370 00:17:11,405 --> 00:17:14,033 - Never mind. - No, come on. What's the problem? 371 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,453 You're living a lie, Sam. 372 00:17:17,620 --> 00:17:18,538 Oh... 373 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:21,040 I know, you won't listen to me, 374 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,875 but our parents were right 375 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:24,835 when they said no one profits by deceit. 376 00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,171 Oh, sorry there, Diane, 377 00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:29,006 tonight's receipts are making too much noise. 378 00:17:29,173 --> 00:17:30,633 I can't hear you. 379 00:17:31,217 --> 00:17:32,385 Okay. 380 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,720 I honestly don't care what you do, 381 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:38,349 but I must say, I'm a little disappointed. 382 00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:40,810 Oh, you sure you don't want to hang around, 383 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:44,355 and get naked and roll around in all my money? 384 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:49,360 You're no fun anymore. 385 00:17:56,867 --> 00:17:57,702 Hello again, Sam. 386 00:17:57,868 --> 00:18:01,414 Hello... Marvin. 387 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,666 How you doing? 388 00:18:03,874 --> 00:18:06,377 Well, this thing has turned out pretty good for you, hasn't it, Sam? 389 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:07,920 Oh... yeah. 390 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,171 I saw you on TV. 391 00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,339 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah. 392 00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,049 There you were, 393 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:15,344 the scum who was messing around with my wife. 394 00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:17,638 And they're treating you like you're some kind of hero. 395 00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,433 You want to stop pointing guns at me, Marvin, huh? 396 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:21,851 - Sam? - Huh? 397 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,061 Don't mind me, just carry on as if I weren't here. 398 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:25,438 Hey, hey, hey! You're not going anywhere. 399 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,024 Now, come on, Marvin, let her go, will you? 400 00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:29,984 What? Why? So she can call the police? 401 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,944 The police? 402 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,988 Obviously, sir, you don't know me. 403 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:35,489 I strongly believe there is 404 00:18:35,656 --> 00:18:38,075 far too much government interference in our lives as it is. 405 00:18:38,242 --> 00:18:39,535 Hey, get back here. 406 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:42,288 Hey, this is crazy. I mean, I... 407 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,873 I was already shot once because of you. 408 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,041 I mean, we're even. 409 00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,711 Oh, no, Sam, we're not even, not yet. 410 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,715 You know, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work! 411 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,134 I mean, all I can think about is you and my wife-- 412 00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,471 Diane, isn't that a run in your stocking? 413 00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,808 Oh, my, you're right. 414 00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,394 What a nasty run. Look at that. 415 00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,938 Just put some nail polish on it. 416 00:19:08,105 --> 00:19:09,649 Oh, oh, I don't think 417 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:12,026 nail polish will work on a run this large... 418 00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:13,861 and high up on one's thigh. 419 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:14,862 Do you, Marvin? 420 00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,405 Look, shut up! 421 00:19:16,572 --> 00:19:18,074 Hee-yaw! Ooh! 422 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,451 Oh! 423 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:23,996 Oh, just... working a cramp out. 424 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:25,956 There you go. 425 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,503 You'd better not try that again. 426 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:31,796 Don't worry. 427 00:19:31,962 --> 00:19:32,797 All right, move over here. 428 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:33,798 Excuse me, Marvin? 429 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:36,425 Listen to me. 430 00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:39,011 You're having trouble with your marriage, aren't you? 431 00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,724 Believe me, I understand how you feel. 432 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:45,851 Oh, come on, nobody understands how I feel. 433 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:48,145 I do! 434 00:19:48,312 --> 00:19:50,272 Oh, sure, sure! 435 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:52,358 You ever been in love with trash? 436 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,276 Yes! 437 00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:59,490 This disgusting pile right here. 438 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:04,662 Sam? 439 00:20:07,289 --> 00:20:08,833 Exactly. 440 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:10,501 He's trash. 441 00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,420 But I... 442 00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,339 I love him with all my heart. 443 00:20:16,507 --> 00:20:17,800 Why? 444 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,430 Because... 445 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:24,098 I gotta. 446 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:30,187 You tell me. Why do you love her? 447 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:33,733 Because neither one of us can help it. 448 00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:38,195 But I'm asking you as a favor from one sucker to another, 449 00:20:38,362 --> 00:20:40,364 don't waste my fella. 450 00:20:40,531 --> 00:20:43,033 Sam, is this true? You and her? 451 00:20:43,200 --> 00:20:44,952 Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. 452 00:20:45,119 --> 00:20:47,830 I don't deserve her, but then, who does, huh? 453 00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:51,542 And what do we get for loving them? 454 00:20:51,709 --> 00:20:53,544 A punch in the face, a kick in the gut, 455 00:20:53,711 --> 00:20:55,755 a one-way ticket to Heartbreak City. 456 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:58,549 This guy's a stockbroker. Why you talking like this? 457 00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:03,262 You know, lady, you're right. You know exactly how I feel. 458 00:21:03,429 --> 00:21:04,638 You know, the biggest favor 459 00:21:04,805 --> 00:21:06,515 I could do for this lady right now 460 00:21:06,682 --> 00:21:07,767 is shoot you. 461 00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,310 Oh, way to go, sweetheart. 462 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,353 Actually, we're not that close at all. 463 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,355 Just the occasional movie date, that's all. 464 00:21:13,522 --> 00:21:15,274 I'm not going to shoot you. You know why? 465 00:21:15,441 --> 00:21:17,693 Because it would hurt her more than it would you. 466 00:21:17,860 --> 00:21:20,070 Thank you. 467 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,406 Yes, thank you. 468 00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:30,122 Look, by the way, 469 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:33,292 if you ever get tired of him and you want someone 470 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:37,213 who can give you a nice, quiet home life, think of me. 471 00:21:39,048 --> 00:21:40,966 Mighty attractive offer. 472 00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,430 I don't believe this. 473 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:49,391 You just saved my life with that ridiculous story. 474 00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:54,396 I-- I'm not sure I know what to... do to thank you. 475 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,273 Well, I can think of something, 476 00:21:56,440 --> 00:21:58,442 but I don't think you're prepared to do it. 477 00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:00,945 Hey, come on, of course I am. 478 00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:02,822 Let's just... maybe go in my office here. 479 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:04,281 Unfortunately, I'm injured, 480 00:22:04,448 --> 00:22:06,325 so you're going to have to do most of the work. 481 00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:10,663 Good night, Sam. 482 00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:13,457 Oh, come on, I was kidding. I was kidding. 483 00:22:13,624 --> 00:22:15,000 Come on, I know-- 484 00:22:15,167 --> 00:22:16,377 I know what you're thinking about. 485 00:22:16,544 --> 00:22:18,379 You want me to set the record straight with everybody 486 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:19,797 about what happened the other night. 487 00:22:19,964 --> 00:22:20,881 Right? 488 00:22:24,510 --> 00:22:26,387 All right, all right, I will. 489 00:22:26,554 --> 00:22:27,555 As a matter of fact, 490 00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:29,640 I'm going to call the newspaper right now. 491 00:22:29,932 --> 00:22:31,600 Well, I didn't ask you to do that. 492 00:22:31,767 --> 00:22:33,185 I know, I know, but I'm going to, 493 00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:34,353 because it's important. 494 00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:37,523 Because your respect for me is important to me. 495 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,026 I always pretend it isn't, 496 00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,403 but the truth is, 497 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:44,280 I want you to think I'm a good person. 498 00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:49,034 - Really, Sam? - Yeah, really. 499 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:59,879 Sometimes you surprise me, Mr. Malone... 500 00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:03,215 and it's wonderful. 501 00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:05,259 Yeah... 502 00:23:07,219 --> 00:23:08,262 Hello, yeah, 503 00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:11,140 can I speak to city desk, please? 504 00:23:11,557 --> 00:23:13,976 Well, is anyone else in? 505 00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:16,020 Well, who--? Who am I speaking to, then? 506 00:23:17,313 --> 00:23:20,107 Oh, well, all right. 507 00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:22,401 Emily, this is, Sam Malone, 508 00:23:22,568 --> 00:23:24,695 and I'm calling because I... 509 00:23:25,654 --> 00:23:28,908 Oh, you heard about that, huh? 510 00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:30,659 Well, listen, the thing is 511 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:33,621 that a lot of people have been making a big deal-- 512 00:23:33,787 --> 00:23:36,832 Well, I'd like to meet you too. 513 00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:40,961 Well, what time do you... get off work? 514 00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:42,171 No, 4:00 a.m. 515 00:23:42,338 --> 00:23:43,881 Hey, hey, hey, that's no problem for me. 516 00:23:44,048 --> 00:23:45,299 No... 517 00:23:46,550 --> 00:23:49,219 That's great, yeah. 518 00:23:49,386 --> 00:23:50,387 Well... 519 00:23:51,597 --> 00:23:52,973 Afraid? 520 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:56,393 Well, Emily, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't, but the-- 521 00:23:56,769 --> 00:23:58,354 Emily, you're not married, are you?