Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I'm sorry it has to be like this--
- Why? - Mm...
Back up the garbage truck, Cliff ie.
Entering Dump City.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Come on, let's have a little sensitivity here.
I mean, that's a living, feeling human being there
who's about to be blown out of the water.
Coach, you want to stand aside?
I can't see anything here.
Sam, I know it's my fault.
I should have said something sooner.
No, I'm sorry. lt-- It's just that I told you,
it's a rule with me. Now, it's the right thing to do.
I-- I think we both realize that.
- I suppose you're right. - Yeah.
But don't you think that if we just worked--
No, come on. Let's make a-- Let's make a clean break.
Stop now, and we'll still have all those terrific memories.
Now, go, go.
Come on, don't make it any tougher.
- Goodbye, Sam. - Goodbye.
Available in paperback
wherever nauseating trash is sold.
You wanna tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy?
Well...
She looked perfect to me. Body was a ten.
- Yeah, so was her face. - Yeah.
So was her I.Q.
Sam's kind of gal.
She was married.
Nah, nah, nah. She just told me just now.
I mean, that-- that's something I don't do.
I don't mess around with married women.
Me either.
Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Hey, hey, I draw lots of lines.
As a matter of fact, there are three categories of women
I never get involved with-- married, underage, and comatose.
He's added one.
Sam, may I have my purse, please?
What're you grinning about?
Oh, I was just confirming once again
what a fortunate thing it was that you and I split up.
Now my love life is stable and yours belongs in one.
I'll have to share that one with Frasier.
Puns are his greatest pleasure.
You mean now that he's sleeping with you?
Carla, that was a mean-spirited, tasteless insult.
Why aren't you chortling?
Leave me alone.
I've got the worst toothache in the history of the world.
Oh, must be an impacted wisdom fang.
Die! You're going to die!
Carla, why don't you do with a toothache
what I used to do when I played in the minors?
What's that, Coach?
Saw a dentist.
You're right, Coach.
I'm going to have to go tomorrow.
You know, I got my bad dental habits from my parents.
They taught me to brush after every war.
Coachie, how about one for the road, huh?
Right.
So, Normie, how's Vera doing?
Well, she's all right,
but she's nagging to get a new house.
Well, having any luck in finding one?
Well, we've got to get rid of the old one first.
Well, you know, Norm,
I've been thinking about getting another place.
It's yours.
I'd like to take a look at it first.
The man's a shrewd buyer, Coach.
Yeah. What's wrong with where you're living, Cliff?
Well, nothing really, Coach. I just thought
it'd be about time I got a place of my own.
Oh.
A place of your own? Where do you live now?
Oh, you know where I live.
No, I've never been there.
I...
live at home.
At home? Whose home?
My parents' home. No big deal.
Good night, guys.
Parents?
Cliff ie, wait, you live with Mommy and Daddy?
I live with my mother, Norm.
Well, why?
Oh, it's not out of choice, Norm.
It's out of more of a sense of responsibility.
You see,
my father abandoned us a couple of years ago,
and I've sort of become the man of the house.
So, you got, like, a curfew or anything like that?
Curfew, come on, Norm,
I can stay out as long as I want as long as I call by 10:00.
Good night, Sam.
Good night, Coach.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're closed.
That's okay.
I'm not a customer.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Well, you found him. I'm Sam Malone.
I'm Maxine's husband.
Not the Sam Malone, a Sam Malone.
Not the one you're looking for, though.
I mean, he hasn't been around here for--
Why'd you do it, Sam?
Oh, now, wait, wait! You just listen to me.
I did not know that she was married.
Come on, she just told me today,
and the second I found out,
I called it off. I mean, that was it.
I mean, ask her.
I may have done a lot of lousy things in my life,
but I do not mess around with other men's wives.
So, what are you saying? It's all her fault?
No, no, I-- I'm not saying it's anybody's fault.
It was just a-- a big mistake, that's all.
I know-- I know we've all been hurt by this...
and I'm sorry.
What am I doing?
I mean, who am I kidding?
She's a tramp.
I mean, I think I've always known it
and I've never admitted it.
You got anything to drink?
Yeah, I think I got a bottle here someplace.
Scotch all right?
Yeah. Yeah, bring it over, will you?
You're not a... mean drunk, are you?
Nah. Just a stupid one.
By the way, don't flatter yourself
thinking that you're the first, huh?
I mean, there have been others.
Just out of curiosity,
they still with us?
If she just weren't so damn gorgeous, Sam.
Yeah, I know, I know. It's...
it's tough being married to a beautiful woman.
- Oh. - You know-- You know, it--
It's like that sweet old love ballad says.
"If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,
never make a pretty woman your wife.
From my personal point of view,
get an ugly girl to marry you."
Remember that?
Oh, I should have listened!
I'm really sorry, Sam.
Oh...
I've been out of my mind.
Women! Look what they bring us to.
Oh, I'll tell you, you know,
they put you through hell, don't they?
Yeah.
You know, I get the feeling they-- they enjoy it too.
Yeah.
Why don't I-- why don't I just hold on to this, huh?
Put it some place where it's not going to do any damage.
Yeah.
Gee, I wish I hadn't done that.
Hey, everybody!
Great day, isn't it?
Carla, did you get your tooth fixed?
Yep.
I am never going to be afraid
to go to the dentist again.
Oh?
I found a way to communicate with him.
How's that?
- Well, as he leans in with his drill... - Yeah
I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention,
and I said,
"We're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
- All right. - Carla?
Did that work?
We're having a late dinner.
Sam!
What the hell happened to you?
Oh, nothing, really. Nothing at all.
What do you mean nothing? You come limping in with a cane.
Well, there was a little trouble in the bar last night,
but it was no big deal.
Well, well, what happened, Sam? Come on.
Well, a... a thief broke in,
and I had to run him out,
and I caught a bullet in the leg here.
A bullet in the leg!
Well, no, come on, it-- it's no big deal.
Let's just go back to our business, huh?
Good Lord, Sam, you grappled with an armed marauder?
You could have lost your life!
Well, yeah, I guess I could have,
but that's something
you only think about afterwards, really.
Whew, talk about guts!
Ah, no, no. It had nothing to do with guts, Norm.
It's just reflex.
I mean, I am an athlete.
Let's hear it for Mayday. Another save, huh?
Oh, now, come on.
Will you sit down here?
No, no, no. I think I'll stand.
Gee, Sam, you should give us some details.
Details, huh?
All right, all right, that's easy enough. Well, Coach...
These guys burst into the bar and basically--
Wait, I thought it was just one guy.
No, I just said one guy had a gun...
...that I saw.
I mean, they could have all had guns,
but as soon as they... saw what I did to their pal,
they just took off out of there.
I mean, basically, they were all cowards.
Yeah, amen to that, Sammy.
Anyway, Coach,
the guy was holding his gun on me,
and, well,
I waited for the right moment,
and then I just kicked out with my leg,
kind of like,
oh, I guess the closest comparison
would be Bruce Lee, really.
Let's see, I made contact with the gun,
and he pulled the trigger,
bullet caught me in the leg,
and the gun went flying.
And the rest just took off out of there.
Mayday!
Mayday, Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
Come on, you guys. Come on.
I guess I really shouldn't have done it,
but I'll tell you something. The next time,
one of those drunk, drugged-out punks
decide to break in, and take advantage of an honest citizen,
they'll think twice about it, I'll tell you.
You guys...
Just like the old days, huh, Sam?
- Hey, Coach. - Way to go, Mayday?
Ow!
Well, I still dance on it, huh?
Coach, I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
It's all that cheese.
Sam, when you say in the leg--
All right, all right, so it wasn't exactly the leg.
It was a little higher up.
Well, the important thing is that you're okay.
But exactly how did they manage
to shoot you in the "I know what"?
Well... Well, you know,
when you're surrounded by armed marauders
with automatic weapons...
Bullets ricocheting-- Sam!
Maxine!
When my husband left last night with a gun,
I never, ever thought he would--
Of course you didn't think.
Why would you think about something
that has nothing to do with anything
that's ever happened to me?
Say, you know, I've got a question for you, Diane.
Whatever happened to the old metric system?
Weren't we supposed to change
all those measuring cups?
So that was your act of heroism?
Mayday's moment of truth?
Getting shot in the fanny
while in flight from a jealous husband.
Oh, now wait! Who said I was running away?
How else do you explain the location of your wound?
Well, I could have been coming at him
and turned a somersault to throw off his aim.
You know, you're very lucky
that you didn't get any brain damage.
Okay, all right, let's get our facts straight here, huh?
I did not know she was married.
I cut it off as soon as I found out.
And I was not running away.
I was putting the gun in my back pocket
- when it-- when it went off. - Oh-ho-ho...
This is a perfect comment on your lifestyle.
- Will you answer me one question? - What?
When you went to the doctor,
did you ask him to get the lead out?
Oh, Frasier's going to love that one, isn't he?
Oh, Frasier's weekend is made.
Come on, enough jokes.
Just do me one favor.
I will not change your dressing.
No, no, no, no, listen,
just back me up on this, will you?
If everybody finds out what really happened...
They might make you the butt of their jokes.
I'll save that one for his birthday.
Come on, just promise me, will you?
Just-- Just don't say anything, huh?
Sure, Sam, I won't blow your story,
- but I must warn you. - Hmm?
The bigger the lie,
the bigger the fool one might appear later to be.
Well, whatever.
The thing is that, I did get a little carried away,
but it-- there's no harm done, and it's all over.
So let's just forget it.
- Sam? - Yeah?
Come quick. There's a film crew from the 6:00 news out here.
Oh, gee, how about that?
Gee, I wonder what they want, huh?
Mayday! Mayday! Mayday! Mayday!
So, Cliff ie, you going to buy Norm's house or not?
Oh, yeah, you betcha, Coach.
Yeah, don't tell him I said so,
but the building inspector I sent down there to check it out?
He says his house is in terrific shape.
- Coach, draft, please. - Yeah.
Well, why wouldn't you want to tell him a thing like that?
Coach, the guy is really hot to sell.
I'm going to low ball him on this one,
take his shirt,
and he's going to end up looking like a giant sap.
Clifford!
I can't believe my ears.
Gee, and I've never believed your hair or your nose.
What does that leave us?
You would take advantage of your best friend?
Oh, Diane, friendship has its place,
but not in the world of business--
Especially in real estate,
where it's strictly dog-eat-dog.
One fidoburger coming up!
Oh!
- Norm! - Yeah.
Could I have your ear for a second?
Sure.
Despite my building inspector's protest,
I've decided to put a bid on your house.
There it is. Yup, I'm afraid that's
going to have to be my top offer.
Whoa! You got yourself a deal!
- Hey--! - What?
Yeah! Hey, everybody, I sold the house!
- Normie sold the house. - Wait'll I tell Vera.
I can look at that place with the pool room now.
Wait, Norm, Normie, you know, that's an eight there.
An eight? I thought it was a two!
Ooh, at last. English-speaking neighbors.
Hey, hey, Norm,
there's something about this house I don't know.
-What is it? - The market value.
You know that paper's not notarized there, Norm.
It was an honor meeting Boston's newest hero, Sam.
Oh, thanks.
Anybody ever tell you you were like Gary Cooper?
Yup!
Well, good night. Great place!
Thank you. Yeah, thanks very much.
What a night.
Two hundred bucks in tips.
What're you going to do with all that money, Carla?
I am going to spend it all on my kids.
Good girl.
How many gunny sacks and one-way tickets
do you think it'll buy?
Gee, I don't know, Carla.
Aw, come on, what--?
What are you looking at me like that for?
- Never mind. - No, come on. What's the problem?
You're living a lie, Sam.
Oh...
I know, you won't listen to me,
but our parents were right
when they said no one profits by deceit.
Oh, sorry there, Diane,
tonight's receipts are making too much noise.
I can't hear you.
Okay.
I honestly don't care what you do,
but I must say, I'm a little disappointed.
Oh, you sure you don't want to hang around,
and get naked and roll around in all my money?
You're no fun anymore.
Hello again, Sam.
Hello... Marvin.
How you doing?
Well, this thing has turned out pretty good for you, hasn't it, Sam?
Oh... yeah.
I saw you on TV.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
There you were,
the scum who was messing around with my wife.
And they're treating you like you're some kind of hero.
You want to stop pointing guns at me, Marvin, huh?
- Sam? - Huh?
Don't mind me, just carry on as if I weren't here.
Hey, hey, hey! You're not going anywhere.
Now, come on, Marvin, let her go, will you?
What? Why? So she can call the police?
The police?
Obviously, sir, you don't know me.
I strongly believe there is
far too much government interference in our lives as it is.
Hey, get back here.
Hey, this is crazy. I mean, I...
I was already shot once because of you.
I mean, we're even.
Oh, no, Sam, we're not even, not yet.
You know, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work!
I mean, all I can think about is you and my wife--
Diane, isn't that a run in your stocking?
Oh, my, you're right.
What a nasty run. Look at that.
Just put some nail polish on it.
Oh, oh, I don't think
nail polish will work on a run this large...
and high up on one's thigh.
Do you, Marvin?
Look, shut up!
Hee-yaw! Ooh!
Oh!
Oh, just... working a cramp out.
There you go.
You'd better not try that again.
Don't worry.
All right, move over here.
Excuse me, Marvin?
Listen to me.
You're having trouble with your marriage, aren't you?
Believe me, I understand how you feel.
Oh, come on, nobody understands how I feel.
I do!
Oh, sure, sure!
You ever been in love with trash?
Yes!
This disgusting pile right here.
Sam?
Exactly.
He's trash.
But I...
I love him with all my heart.
Why?
Because...
I gotta.
You tell me. Why do you love her?
Because neither one of us can help it.
But I'm asking you as a favor from one sucker to another,
don't waste my fella.
Sam, is this true? You and her?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
I don't deserve her, but then, who does, huh?
And what do we get for loving them?
A punch in the face, a kick in the gut,
a one-way ticket to Heartbreak City.
This guy's a stockbroker. Why you talking like this?
You know, lady, you're right. You know exactly how I feel.
You know, the biggest favor
I could do for this lady right now
is shoot you.
Oh, way to go, sweetheart.
Actually, we're not that close at all.
Just the occasional movie date, that's all.
I'm not going to shoot you. You know why?
Because it would hurt her more than it would you.
Thank you.
Yes, thank you.
Look, by the way,
if you ever get tired of him and you want someone
who can give you a nice, quiet home life, think of me.
Mighty attractive offer.
I don't believe this.
You just saved my life with that ridiculous story.
I-- I'm not sure I know what to... do to thank you.
Well, I can think of something,
but I don't think you're prepared to do it.
Hey, come on, of course I am.
Let's just... maybe go in my office here.
Unfortunately, I'm injured,
so you're going to have to do most of the work.
Good night, Sam.
Oh, come on, I was kidding. I was kidding.
Come on, I know--
I know what you're thinking about.
You want me to set the record straight with everybody
about what happened the other night.
Right?
All right, all right, I will.
As a matter of fact,
I'm going to call the newspaper right now.
Well, I didn't ask you to do that.
I know, I know, but I'm going to,
because it's important.
Because your respect for me is important to me.
I always pretend it isn't,
but the truth is,
I want you to think I'm a good person.
- Really, Sam? - Yeah, really.
Sometimes you surprise me, Mr. Malone...
and it's wonderful.
Yeah...
Hello, yeah,
can I speak to city desk, please?
Well, is anyone else in?
Well, who--? Who am I speaking to, then?
Oh, well, all right.
Emily, this is, Sam Malone,
and I'm calling because I...
Oh, you heard about that, huh?
Well, listen, the thing is
that a lot of people have been making a big deal--
Well, I'd like to meet you too.
Well, what time do you... get off work?
No, 4:00 a.m.
Hey, hey, hey, that's no problem for me.
No...
That's great, yeah.
Well...
Afraid?
Well, Emily, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't, but the--
Emily, you're not married, are you?