Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
You got any fresh coffee?
- Mm-hmm. - Great.
Oh, Carla, boy, I hate to criticize, but I can't believe you actually read
these sleazy scandal sheets. I mean, look at this. Even I'm above this.
"Bigfoot Stole My Wife."
"Have Aliens Taken Over Your Pet?" I mean, this is garbage.
For your information, Sam, I don't read those articles.
I think they're just as stupid as you do.
I get it because they happen to have a great crossword puzzle.
Okay, let's see. Hmm, seven across.
"Five-headed cow born in Vermont."
Maybelle.
Uh, 16 across.
"State with the most UFO babies."
Arkansas.
I don't believe you.
Thirty-two across. "The aphrodisiac found in every kitchen cabinet."
Uh, I don't know what that one is. Let me see what 14 down is.
"Where Franco's brain is being kept alive."
Fish tank.
Okay, so, the fifth letter of the aphrodisiac is an A.
Now I remember. Oregano.
Trash.
Hi, sweetheart.
Oh, come on, don't look at me like that.
I know we haven't spent that much time together lately, but
an awful lot's been happening down at Cheers. Let me just grab a beer.
Anyway, this woman, Irene Blanchard, walks into the bar a few weeks ago,
and Coach falls for her like a ton of bricks.
Kind of like when we first laid eyes on each other.
Yeah, well, next thing you know, he's taking her out on the town
and they've been seeing each other every night since.
So I guess it wasn't totally unexpected when Coach comes in tonight and--
Hey, hey, hey, I saw that yawn.
Well, I can finish this story tomorrow.
Come on, let's you and me turn in, huh?
No. No! Shh. You'll wake up Vera.
- Norm? - Be right up, dear.
You stupid dog.
I hope she's not in the mood to talk...
or anything.
Antony, everything under control?
Yeah, Ma. What'd you think? The place'd be on fire?
Never mind, wise guy. I was a little worried,
this being your first time watching the kids alone.
- Yeah, I know, but it was no sweat. - That's my little man.
It feels good to get off my feet.
- Hey, where are the kids, anyway? - Locked in the hall closet.
- Well, let 'em out. - Yeah, sure, Ma.
I didn't say now.
Would you like another piece of pie, Cliff ie?
Ah, well, Ma, I shouldn't, but I can't resist your gooseberry pie, Mom.
Wipe your chin, dear. That's a good boy.
Did you have a nice time tonight at Cheers?
- Yeah, it was okay. - Did you meet any young ladies?
Well, no, but there was some excitement, though.
Remember I told you about the Coach and that woman Irene?
Well, tonight he asked her to marry him and, uh, you know, she said yeah.
Next thing you know, she gets a call from her daughter,
and Irene's won the lottery. Two million smackers.
- Good Lord. - Yeah, yeah.
We're kind of worried, though. I mean, she seemed to forget all about Coach when she won that dough.
Well, maybe it'll work out.
Cliff ie, when are you going to take me to Cheers to meet your friends?
- When hell freezes over. - What was that?
Uh, when I get the front seat of the car fixed, Ma.
Fine.
Hello.
What are you wearing?
- Hello, Frasier. - I'm not Frasier.
I'm not wearing anything. Does that excite you?
Frasier, I know it's you. It's very late.
Blast! You always know it's me.
You always do the same thing.
I just called to say I love you.
Oh, that's sweet.
You're the most thoughtful boyfriend I've ever had.
That's not saying much.
Oh, speaking of Sam... Ooh, this is good.
That woman Coach has been seeing, Irene,
has a daughter, Sue,
and when they came in a few weeks ago,
Sam offered to pick up Sue so Coach would be with Irene,
but she turned him down flat. She was great.
And the best thing is it's really been bugging Sam--
And then tonight, she did it again.
I hate to admit it, but I'm enjoying it.
You little devil. Well, my dearest, I will bid you goodnight.
By the way, I really don't have any clothes on. This phone booth is freezing.
Goodnight, Frasier darling. Sweet dreams.
Curly, I'm going to really give it to you this time.
Good Lord, aren't all the eight-year-olds in bed by now?
- ...some of our top stories... - Good, some late news.
Well, let's see what's on the old tube here.
On Capitol Hill...
Well, I watched some news over the weekend. That's good enough, I guess.
Nyuck! Nyuck! Nyuck!
Oh, great. I love this one. They're doctors.
Hey, Diane.
Surprise. Found something else of yours lying around my place.
Remember this?
Good Lord.
Is that for wearing or signaling aircraft?
Well, this is your teddy, isn't it?
I don't know which of your mindless bimbi
left that in your apartment.
If she paid money for it, she should be seen to and chemically altered.
Hey, uh, what, you don't like the color?
What made you think that was mine?
Well, you're the only person I know that shops at those fancy French places.
"The House of Ooh La La."
Get it away from me. It's horrendous.
Wow.
This is lovely.
Do you want it?
Me? Oh, I can't take this, Sam.
No, no, please, go ahead.
God, thanks.
Oh, from the House of Ooh La La.
Evening, everybody.
Norm!
Norman.
Tell us what you know, Norm.
Oh, God's in his heaven and something, something, something.
- How about a beer? - Yeah, that's it.
See, your Florida tan is far deeper, far richer,
than your ordinary, common run-of-the-mill tan.
As a matter of fact, I've got a patch over here.
I'll show you the distinction.
I see Cliff found somebody he hasn't bored to death
with his Florida spiel yet, huh?
Marco Polo didn't talk about his trip this much.
Now, you see how the rayon sock...
Oh, gee, it's 7:00. You wonder where the evening's gone.
Yeah, I'll remember where I was.
So will I.
Nice guy.
- So, where's the Coach? Is he off or what? - No, he's in the back working.
I understand Irene postponed the wedding again.
Oh, what's that make? Three times now?
Can I have a Stoli, rocks, Sam?
Yeah, I don't think he's seen much of her since she became Miss Moneybags.
Yeah, yeah, just like a woman. I tell you, they're only good for one thing.
And for you, not even that.
No, I'm kind of worried. I mean, this doesn't seem to faze Coach.
He just keeps going on like nothing happened.
Yeah, it's like he's got his head in the sand.
- Did my fiancée call, Sam? - Uh, no, Coach, not today.
- Well, when she does, I'll be in the back, huh? - Hey, Coach, uh, wait a second here.
Let me have a little talk with you.
Uh, everything going along all right with you and Irene?
- Yeah, sure, never better. - Ah.
Well, I hear she changed the wedding date again.
- What's the story? - Well, it's just nerves, Sam.
- You know, you know, it's only natural. - But you've hardly seen her lately, Coach.
Well, she's been making all these wedding plans.
I'm not worried about it.
Coach, she moved and she didn't tell you where.
Well, I am a little worried about that,
but with all the excitement, she probably just forgot.
Coach, listen, listen to me.
Look, I'm going to tell you straight, and you just better listen to me right now.
Wait a minute, Sam.
Before you do,
- could I ask a very special favor of you? - What?
Sam, would you please be my best man?
Oh, Coach... Oh, sure, sure.
I'd be proud to.
Thanks, Sam.
Now, if I can just clear this with Irene.
Well, what does she care who your best man is?
No, it's not Irene. It's Sue.
Uh, if you showed up at the wedding,
she said something about hiring a sniper.
Well, she can't stop thinking about me.
Obviously, little Miss Sue has a bad case of Sammy-it is.
Sometimes known as the Swine Flu.
Sam, admit it. The poor woman had a low threshold
for overbearing bores.
Well, I got an idea.
May--maybe I could, uh, send her a relief map of my body.
Or you, you could send her a life-sized portrait of your brain.
I know a good miniaturist.
Nah, that's not sexy.
Hi, everyone.
Ooh.
Is Ernie here? I'd like to talk to him.
He'll be honored you remembered his name.
Carla, come on, stay out of this.
Uh, yeah. Uh, Coach?
- Somebody here to see you. - Is it Irene?
Yeah, it is.
Irene, I haven't seen you since the night I proposed.
How are the wedding plans going?
Well, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Ernie.
Well, what?--what did you want to do?
- Move the date up or something? - Ernie, would you please sit down?
Oh, sure, come on.
Do you know where I was tonight?
Uh, probably at home...
wherever that is.
I went to the governor's mansion for dinner.
Holy mackerel.
I--I guess you didn't think I'd want to go, huh?
No, the point is,
ever since I won that money, I've been meeting new people,
experiencing new things,
and there's a lot more I still want to do.
I'm talking about Paris, Monaco, London.
- Well, I'd be perfectly happy with Six Flags. - I know you would.
Ernie...
This is really...
This is very hard for me.
I wouldn't want to hurt you for the world, but the plain truth is
I'm not the same person I was three weeks ago.
That person loved you.
You're a good man,
but I've been married to a good man.
I've never been obscenely wealthy.
Money changes people, Ernie.
Well, it hasn't changed me. I mean, I'm engaged to a very wealthy woman,
but I'm still the same simple guy I always was.
Ernie, I-- I don't think we're engaged anymore.
I'm sorry.
I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.
Wait a minute. There's nothing to forgive,
because this isn't you talking. It's the money.
You've got to get this out of your system, Irene,
and...
you'll come back to me.
I wish I could make you understand.
Look, we set a wedding date, right?
That date is still set,
and when that date comes along, I'll be right here waiting for you.
Goodbye, Ernie.
Have a wonderful life.
Irene, you're crazy. This isn't goodbye.
Yes, it is.
- Oh, no, honey, it isn't. - It is.
Boy, she's going to make one hell of a wife, ain't she?
Isn't it romantic?
Da-da-da-da-de-da-da
Yeah, it's a-- What I like is a nice, clean break.
Da-da-ta-dum
- Whoa! - Oh.
Coach.
Pretty spiffy there. What's the occasion?
It's only my wedding day. Some cologne, please.
- You heard from Irene, Coach? - Well, not for a while,
but you're not supposed to see the bride
before the ceremony anyway, are you?
No, but you're supposed to know
whether or not she's in the country, at least.
Sam, will you stop worrying
about every little thing, like countries, huh?
- All right. - This is a very happy day.
Uh, folks... Folks,
I have an apology to make.
A lot of you can't be invited to the wedding,
because it's going to be a small, private affair.
- I'm sorry some of you had to be left out. - Like the bride, huh?
That really hurts.
Then I haven't lived in vain.
Diane, I'm sorry,
but you can't sing at the wedding like you offered to.
I understand.
Yeah, just standing there looking geeky will be entertainment enough.
Sam, I'm going to go in
and check on my honeymoon reservation.
Looks like the Coach is headed for Dump City,
and he's got his pedal to the metal.
I still say there's something touching about it.
A man with that much hope and faith in a relationship is very rare.
So's the oxygen to your brain.
Look, Diane, you're not helping him by saying stuff like that.
We've got to get the Coach to face reality.
Come on, Diane.
I mean, you of all people should realize how painful it is
to love somebody who doesn't love you back.
Ah, yes, your sobbing, your whimpering,
your moony-eyed sighs have not gone unnoticed.
You must have dreamt that about me.
So the dreams about me continue, huh?
Still have the one about the white horse?
One end of it.
Sam, the day I met Frasier Crane,
I stopped looking for Mr. Right.
Yeah, that would discourage me too.
Why don't you two either hit each other in the face or shut up?
- We're trying to deal with the Coach here. - All right, Carla, you're right,
but is there anything wrong with a man believing that the woman he loves will come back to him?
Yes, when the chances that she will are "none" and "forget it."
Well, I'm sure that if Irene knew how strongly the Coach still felt about it,
she'd make an effort to talk to him and straighten him out.
Yeah, but we don't even know how to get in touch with her.
Ooh, but I do know how to get in touch with her daughter, Miss Frostbottom.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to give her a little message to pass on to her mother,
and she can keep a little of it for herself.
- Ooh, yeah. - That's it.
Yeah, a little message about a couple of women
that don't know the first thing about being decent to folks...
- All right. - All right.
Hi, babe, Sam Malone. Busy tonight?
For the rest of your life. Yeah, well, I thought that's what you were going to say,
but, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, before you hang up on me here,
this phone call doesn't have anything to do with you.
It's about your mother and the way she's been treating the Coach.
I mean, I think it stinks. I don't even want to tell you
how enraged I am over the phone, so how about we get together for dinner tonight, huh?
Yeah, well, I knew you were going to say that,
but, uh, listen up here. I don't want to go to dinner. I already ate...
So did we.
So, uh, how about a drink?
Well, I knew you were going to say that too,
but, uh, I've got news for you, I don't drink, so, yeah,
who feels stupid now, huh?
You agree with me?
Well, yeah,
well, you should be ashamed of your mother, Sue.
I mean, come on, what's going on here?
Corfu?
Oh, no.
Oh...
Yeah, well, thanks.
Boy, you know, I'm beginning to hate the women in that family.
What is it?
Irene's engaged to another man, some hotshot
foreign industrialist millionaire.
Said his name was Glods or something.
Stanislaw Glods? Ooh, what a catch.
Anyway...
She's living with him in Corfu, wherever the hell that is.
Hmm, Corfu, yeah, poor man's Pensacola.
- Cheese it. Here he comes. - Don't anybody say anything about this.
- Any calls, Sam? - No, uh, Coach, no calls.
You mean Irene didn't call?
Coach, I don't think Irene's going to call... ever.
Oh, Sam, you're so young. You're so young.
Hey, Coach, she's engaged to another man.
I just spoke to her daughter. Some rich European guy.
Oh, heavens to Betsy.
It looks like I've been left at the altar. Whatever shall I do?
Coach, will you wake up and smell the coffee?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, Diane. Take it easy, will you?
Coach, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to yell at you. Please forgive me.
It's okay, honey. It's okay.
Up until a few moments ago,
I, too, was a holdout for a happy ending,
but even this new, seemingly incontrovertible evidence
hasn't shaken your faith a fig.
How can you be so certain?
Right here, Diane.
The human heart-- who knows how it works?
Well, it's essentially an involuntary muscle, Coach,
- activated by electrical impulses-- - Exactly!
No one. It works by feelings, Diane.
All my feelings tell me that she'll be back. You understand?
She'll be back here before closing time.
Isn't that romantic?
Ta-da-da-da-da da-dum-da-da
Nothing's sadder than a man holding on to a dead dream.
Unless it's a blonde woman struggling to keep her hopes up.
No, I think it's a tall ex-baseball player who clings forlornly--
Come on, Coach. How about the three of us
go out and get something to eat, like old times?
I thought I knew her.
I--I was so sure she'd come back today.
Well, maybe she had a family crisis...
like her daughter fell off her broomstick.
- Sam. - Oh, sorry.
Coach, how about a pizza? You love pizza.
Oh, no. No, I don't, Diane.
You can't crawl in bed with a pizza.
Well, maybe you could, but a pizza can't keep you warm.
Well, maybe it could, but you can't kiss a pizza.
- Your lips'd get kind of-- - Uh, Coach, we get the point.
You know what really hurts the most?
What?
I thought right up to the very last moment that she'd call.
How could I have been so wrong?
You just wanted it to happen so badly, you never thought it wouldn't.
No, Diane, no. I never doubted it. I thought we'd get together,
but I guess the money did change her.
I guess it did.
You want to know something?
I'm starting to wonder if we would have made that good a couple.
Come on, let's get some pizza.
Boy, life with her sure ain't boring.
Coach, don't answer that phone. We both know, like you do, that it's Irene,
but why not teach her a lesson?
No, Diane, if she was thoughtful enough to call...
Yeah, look, look, honey, let me do the talking.
If I hear your voice, I might change my mind.
You're better off with the rich guy. I realize that, even if you don't.
Now, look, we had some good times. Just take care of yourself, huh?
I hope she understands.
Coach, wait a sec here.
Did you actually hear her voice on the phone?
I didn't have to, Sam. It was her.
So it's all over?
Well, it's all over for me, but...
I still feel sorry for her.
Poor kid.
It's her.
Isn't it
Romantic?
Merely to be young On such a night as this?