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Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
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Hello.
3
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Oh, hi. What can I get you?
4
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I'm a phone company repairman.
5
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Oh, I'm a bartender.
Ernie Pantusso.
6
00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:19,728
Phil Ryan.
7
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I got a call
to come down here.
8
00:00:22,064 --> 00:00:23,815
Gee, there must be
some mistake, Phil.
9
00:00:23,982 --> 00:00:26,235
I didn't call
for any repairmen.
10
00:00:26,401 --> 00:00:27,945
I think
Sam put in a call, Coach.
11
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He did?
Gee, that's strange.
12
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He didn't say anything to me
about it.
13
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I better give him a call
and find out what this is all about.
14
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Bum luck, Phil. Phone's out.
15
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Give him
a couple of seconds.
16
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Say, Phil?
17
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Uh, I hate to impose on you,
18
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but since they got you down here
on this wild-goose chase,
19
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would you mind taking a look
at the phone?
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Sure.
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Thank you.
22
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:06,191
Lucky thing he happened by here,
huh, Carla?
23
00:01:06,358 --> 00:01:09,611
Sometimes fate
takes a hand, Coach.
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Hi, everybody.
25
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I bet you're surprised
to see me
26
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on my night off.
27
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Yeah, we didn't hear your broom
pull up.
28
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What are you doing here tonight?
29
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I'm having dinner upstairs
with Frasier and his mother.
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She's a seafood aficionado,
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and we think she'll like
the bouillabaisse at Melville's.
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You're having dinner
with Frasier's mother?
33
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You actually deduced
34
00:02:48,126 --> 00:02:50,462
I'm having dinner
with Frasier and his mother
35
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when all I did
was say it in your presence?
36
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No flash cards,
no crib notes on your sleeve?
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Uncanny.
38
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Well, we're a little edgy
tonight, aren't we?
39
00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:03,975
But I guess
I can't blame you.
40
00:03:04,142 --> 00:03:06,687
Meeting Mom is a big step
in a relationship.
41
00:03:07,229 --> 00:03:10,774
Granted, meeting
your prospective fiancé's mother,
42
00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:13,694
especially when
she's an eminent psychiatrist
43
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trained to spot the slightest quirk
in a person's behavior,
44
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could be a nerve-wracking evening
45
00:03:20,784 --> 00:03:22,619
for somebody who's actually
going to be there.
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00:03:22,786 --> 00:03:24,538
But I'm not. Good night.
47
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Chickening out, huh, Diane?
48
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,167
Absolutely not.
They're 12 seconds late.
49
00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:31,461
Hey, come on.
Get back here.
50
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,505
Sit down and have
a glass of wine.
51
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:34,715
Coach?
52
00:03:36,633 --> 00:03:39,511
Sit down now, honey,
and just relax.
53
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:41,263
Everything's going to be fine.
54
00:03:41,430 --> 00:03:44,641
Just remember--
now, don't snap your gum,
55
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,144
don't chew
with your mouth open,
56
00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:49,938
and for God's sakes,
don't play with your bra straps.
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00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,360
I'll try to remember
that, Coach.
58
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:56,903
Well, trying's not good enough.
59
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,697
I'll just have to write it down
for you.
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00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:00,949
Afternoon, everybody.
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00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,034
- Norm!
- Norman.
62
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:05,746
Well, what would you say
to a nice beer, Normie?
63
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,164
"Going down?"
64
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:11,752
Listen, uh, Coach...
65
00:04:11,918 --> 00:04:12,753
Yeah?
66
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,004
Do me a favor,
and, uh,
67
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,797
don't make a big fuss
over me today, okay?
68
00:04:15,964 --> 00:04:16,965
- You know?
- You got it.
69
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:21,052
You know, no cakes, candles,
party hats, singing. None of that, huh?
70
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:22,596
Okay.
71
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,349
You know, because, really,
72
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,894
it would be so embarrassing,
you know what I mean?
73
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,395
And no gifts, all right?
74
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:34,024
Yeah...
75
00:04:36,485 --> 00:04:38,445
Whatever you do,
don't ask me how old I am today.
76
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:40,781
Normie, is today your birthday?
77
00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:43,450
Coach, you remembered, huh?
78
00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:48,455
Hey, everybody,
it's Normie's birthday.
79
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,960
All right, let me buy
the birthday boy a drink here.
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00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,379
Please, you're making
too big a deal out of this.
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00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,300
There you are,
my darling.
82
00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,719
At last you two meet.
83
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:05,597
The woman who gave me life
and the woman who gives me life.
84
00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:07,432
- Oh, Frasier.
- Oh, Frasier.
85
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:09,392
Forgive me.
86
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,812
I lose my head in the company
of beautiful women.
87
00:05:11,978 --> 00:05:13,522
Dr. Crane--
88
00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:16,066
Oh, please, dear,
call me Hester.
89
00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,068
Hester,
it's a pleasure.
90
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,611
Oh, it's
my pleasure.
91
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,530
Let me take your coat, Mother.
92
00:05:21,905 --> 00:05:23,198
Diane?
93
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:27,744
Here's the list of tips
I promised.
94
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,038
Thank you, Coach.
95
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,331
I also
added instructions
96
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:33,959
for a dainty way
to dispose of gristle.
97
00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:39,881
Oh, Frasier, she's lovely.
98
00:05:40,048 --> 00:05:42,425
You know, he's made no secret
of the fact,
99
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,220
but even he didn't do you
justice.
100
00:05:45,387 --> 00:05:50,892
Well, in an anxiety-provoking
situation such as this,
101
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:54,479
one tends to respond
with exaggerated compliments.
102
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:55,647
Let me just be frank.
103
00:05:55,814 --> 00:05:57,774
You are the most strikingly
handsome woman
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00:05:57,941 --> 00:05:58,900
I've ever laid eyes on.
105
00:05:59,067 --> 00:06:00,360
Oh...
106
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,655
Something exciting
is happening here.
107
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,283
Exciting,
but not surprising.
108
00:06:06,449 --> 00:06:09,578
I say, by the end of the evening
you two will be thick as thieves.
109
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:13,039
Only if we can't resist the temptation
to pig out on cheesecake.
110
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:16,793
Hey, Doc.
111
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,003
Doc.
112
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Uh, Vic's ready for you
upstairs.
113
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I hope everybody's
got an appetite.
114
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I'll never eat again.
115
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Let me, uh,
hurry on up
116
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and make sure
we've got a good table.
117
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:31,016
I'm thick with Vic.
118
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:33,852
Well, Mother...
119
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Oh, boy, you see that?
120
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What?
121
00:06:37,981 --> 00:06:39,774
Well, Frasier purposely
avoided
122
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:41,443
drawing me
into the conversation.
123
00:06:42,527 --> 00:06:44,321
Yeah, I noticed that, too,
Cliff ie.
124
00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:45,780
What's his problem?
125
00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:49,159
Oh, he knows how well-versed I am
in his field, Coach.
126
00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:52,162
I've embarrassed
many a professional so-called expert.
127
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,663
Actually, Cliff,
128
00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:57,459
I think you've embarrassed
everybody you know.
129
00:06:57,626 --> 00:07:00,295
Well, as long as you're saying it,
it's not bragging.
130
00:07:01,880 --> 00:07:03,381
Hey, Norm!
131
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:04,382
When did you get here?
132
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,134
Thirty-six years ago
today.
133
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,219
Yeah, it's my buddy Norm's
birthday today.
134
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:09,971
- Is that right?
- Yep.
135
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:12,015
Well, I think the birthday
of one of my best customers
136
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,892
deserves a little
of the old bubbly.
137
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,310
No, no, no, no.
138
00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:16,227
Well, maybe you're right.
139
00:07:16,394 --> 00:07:18,813
- Hey!
- Just kidding, just kidding.
140
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,857
- You got me!
- Open this up on the double there,
141
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:22,025
will ya, Coach?
142
00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,485
Congratulations, man,
and many happy returns.
143
00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:24,444
Thanks.
144
00:07:24,611 --> 00:07:27,030
Just as long as
you don't go singing "Happy Birthday".
145
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,573
You know, 'cause I'd really
hate that, you know,
146
00:07:28,740 --> 00:07:29,866
if you sang "Happy Birthday".
147
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,328
Yeah, just because it is my...
Happy...
148
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:35,830
- Happy Birthday to you...
- No!
149
00:07:36,915 --> 00:07:39,042
- Happy Birthday to you...
- You guys.
150
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,586
Cut it out.
Come on, now.
151
00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:44,965
Happy Birthday, dear Norm
152
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,385
Hold on!
153
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:49,344
Norm!
154
00:07:49,511 --> 00:07:50,595
Are you all right?
155
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:51,721
Are you okay,
buddy?
156
00:07:51,888 --> 00:07:53,431
Yeah, yeah. I'm all right.
157
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,475
Ooh, that sucker nearly hit me.
158
00:07:57,352 --> 00:07:59,437
Hold-- hold--
hold still now.
159
00:08:02,023 --> 00:08:04,651
Why don't you, uh,
sit down here for a second?
160
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:05,777
Nah, nah.
161
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,362
You all right?
162
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:08,363
Yeah.
163
00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:09,864
How many fingers I got?
164
00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:10,782
Three.
165
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,659
Not you, Coach.
166
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,452
Three.
167
00:08:14,619 --> 00:08:16,663
Sure, after I give him
the answer.
168
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,124
- You sure?
- Yes, I'm fine.
169
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,166
Uh, now, wait
a minute, Sammy.
170
00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,627
The primary symptom
of postprandial trauma
171
00:08:22,794 --> 00:08:24,421
is a blurring
of the metatarsals.
172
00:08:24,587 --> 00:08:27,090
Cliff, shut up.
173
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,383
Oh, okay, fine,
I'll shut up.
174
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,801
Go ahead
and wallow in ignorance.
175
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,679
I think we're reentering
the Dark Ages here.
176
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,265
Do we gain an hour
or lose an hour there?
177
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:37,100
Would you guys
cut it out?
178
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:38,977
Hey, listen, why don't you
go see a doctor?
179
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,520
- That thing hit you pretty hard.
- Nah, I'm all right.
180
00:08:40,687 --> 00:08:42,188
No, come on.
Play it safe.
181
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:44,190
Go to the emergency room.
I'll pay for it.
182
00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,817
No, no, no,
a little rap on the head,
183
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:47,027
doesn't even hurt anymore.
184
00:08:47,193 --> 00:08:48,278
Normie's right.
185
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,031
I got a rap in the head
all the time in baseball.
186
00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,449
I never
went to a doctor.
187
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:55,910
- And you'll keep my glass chilled?
- Yeah, yeah.
188
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,294
Yeah, yeah,
terrific, Normie,
189
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:05,378
I'll pass that on.
190
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,088
Hey, listen, everybody,
191
00:09:07,505 --> 00:09:08,548
Normie's just fine.
192
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,675
They're just keeping him
in the hospital overnight
193
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,135
to do a few more tests
on him.
194
00:09:12,302 --> 00:09:15,513
A lot of people
miss the whimsy in Jung.
195
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,433
He's given me
many a chuckle.
196
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,393
I wrote one of my favorite
papers about it.
197
00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:22,020
It's entitled, tongue in cheek,
of course,
198
00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,481
"Hello, Jung Lovers."
199
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:27,400
How clever.
200
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,320
Oh, dear.
201
00:09:30,487 --> 00:09:31,321
Something just struck me.
202
00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:34,115
I hope I haven't
dominated the conversation tonight.
203
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:35,867
Oh, nonsense, Diane.
204
00:09:36,034 --> 00:09:37,202
The wine and your verbiage
205
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:38,787
were the perfect complement
to our meal.
206
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,539
Now, listen,
why don't you two have a seat
207
00:09:41,706 --> 00:09:44,501
and I'll get us a fine cordial?
208
00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,795
Will you entrust me
to make the selection?
209
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,214
Now, I have a very special
little treat in mind
210
00:09:49,380 --> 00:09:51,382
that I've just discovered,
and I'd like to surprise you with it.
211
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:53,384
Oh, Frasier, you're mad,
but I love you.
212
00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:55,595
Three cans of Schlitz.
213
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:03,603
Listen, and listen carefully.
214
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:08,316
Stop seeing my son or,
as God is my witness, I'll kill you.
215
00:10:11,736 --> 00:10:13,154
Something to munch on.
216
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,531
Yum, yum, yum.
217
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:16,741
Now listen to me.
218
00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:17,951
I have a gun.
219
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,244
I know how to use it.
220
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:22,872
Here we are.
221
00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,208
Oh, doesn't that
look lovely?
222
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,918
What do you
call it?
223
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,212
Well, it's a delightful
pear liqueur.
224
00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:32,132
Oh, sounds delicious,
doesn't it, Diane?
225
00:10:35,718 --> 00:10:37,554
I think she likes it.
226
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:39,764
Well, I hate to leave
your company again so soon,
227
00:10:39,931 --> 00:10:42,058
but I must, uh,
visit the men's room.
228
00:10:42,225 --> 00:10:43,184
You know what they say,
229
00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,854
you only rent
a Chateau Lafite Rothschild.
230
00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,939
I'll go with you.
231
00:10:48,106 --> 00:10:49,983
Well, Diane,
there are some things
232
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:51,192
a man must do alone.
233
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,529
If you love me,
you won't do this now.
234
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:59,159
Well, it's a peculiar test
of a man's affection,
235
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:02,120
but, uh, I think I'm up to it.
236
00:11:03,246 --> 00:11:05,498
You know, I've just
had an inspiration.
237
00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,584
What say we go
to an intimate cabaret
238
00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:08,793
and hear some jazz?
239
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,422
Oh, that's a wonderful idea,
Frasier.
240
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:15,049
How do you feel about it, Diane?
241
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,552
Diane, you're white
as a sheet.
242
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:18,678
Are you okay?
243
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,973
I'm a little tired, Frasier.
244
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:24,601
Why don't you and Hester
go alone without me?
245
00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:25,852
No, we wouldn't
think of it.
246
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:27,562
No, no, I insist.
247
00:11:28,229 --> 00:11:30,815
Um, I'll be fine. I'll call a cab.
248
00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:33,193
I wouldn't want to interfere
with your fun time. Please.
249
00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:35,445
She's tired. Don't press her.
250
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,030
Go home, dear.
251
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:38,656
Rest.
252
00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:42,744
You need a night on the town
like you need a hole in the head.
253
00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:47,790
I'll be fine.
254
00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:49,042
Thank you.
255
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,460
Very well.
256
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,879
I'll, uh, call you later.
257
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,429
So, how'd dinner go?
258
00:12:01,596 --> 00:12:03,556
She wants to kill me.
259
00:12:04,349 --> 00:12:06,476
You got to start picking up
some checks, Diane.
260
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,279
Sam, I have to ask you
a question,
261
00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:21,032
and promise me
you won't make a joke out of it.
262
00:12:21,199 --> 00:12:22,283
Okay? Promise.
263
00:12:22,450 --> 00:12:23,326
Yeah, I promise.
264
00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:24,327
What's up?
265
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,287
Do you think I'm crazy?
266
00:12:27,872 --> 00:12:28,790
Yes.
267
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:35,505
Now that we've gotten the joke
out of the way,
268
00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:36,839
will you please help me?
269
00:12:37,423 --> 00:12:39,676
I know this is a strange question,
but it's important.
270
00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:43,680
Do you think I'm... crazy?
271
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,348
Yes.
272
00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,643
I should have known better.
273
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:51,062
You're incapable
of a rational conversation.
274
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,939
Everything has to be
some flip remark.
275
00:12:53,106 --> 00:12:54,774
Well, all right,
now wait a minute.
276
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,819
Do you mean are you crazy
like seriously unbalanced,
277
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:00,238
like losing your grasp
on reality?
278
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:01,489
Yes.
279
00:13:01,656 --> 00:13:03,950
Oh, well, then... yes.
280
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:09,038
When you're ready
to discuss this as an adult,
281
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,790
then we will talk.
282
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:15,003
Say, do I, uh, sense
a bit of tension
283
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:17,005
between you
and dear old Mother Crane?
284
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,300
Well, I don't want to blow this
out of proportion.
285
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:24,595
Doesn't every woman feel
their mother-in-law-to-be
286
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:28,725
is an evil, dark-hearted,
psychotic murderess?
287
00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:30,768
I mean, competitor?
288
00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:33,104
What exactly did she say?
289
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,440
I don't remember it
word for word.
290
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,068
Something about "I have a gun,"
and "I know how to use it."
291
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:40,528
And then before she left,
292
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:43,323
she said I needed
a night on the town
293
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:44,866
like I needed
a hole in the head.
294
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:47,785
That's kind of cute.
295
00:13:49,871 --> 00:13:50,872
Cute?
296
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:52,999
You think a death threat
is cute?
297
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:57,712
Well, not as a rule, no,
but, uh, you know, come on,
298
00:13:57,879 --> 00:14:00,298
you know, your sense of humor's
not exactly your strong point.
299
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,925
Now is it possible
that this lady's joking with you?
300
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:06,471
Well, anything is possible,
but what's funny about...
301
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,849
a hole in the head?
302
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,105
Is it possible?
303
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,734
Oh, I feel so foolish.
304
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,235
She must think I'm a twit.
305
00:14:21,402 --> 00:14:22,987
Don't worry about that,
because when I first met you,
306
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:24,322
I thought you were a twit too.
307
00:14:26,407 --> 00:14:29,035
Boy, this gal
is a real kidder, huh?
308
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:33,373
I mean, we're talking
veritable goose.
309
00:14:34,749 --> 00:14:36,626
Well, fortunately,
we're having lunch together
310
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:37,877
so I can show Hester
311
00:14:38,044 --> 00:14:40,713
that I can give as good as I get.
312
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,594
Afternoon, everybody.
313
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:47,804
- Norm!
- Normie!
314
00:14:47,970 --> 00:14:48,805
What's up, Norm?
315
00:14:48,971 --> 00:14:50,264
Everything
that's supposed to be.
316
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,559
Hey, Norm, how're you doing?
317
00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,353
I hear you spent the night
in the hospital.
318
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:56,354
Yeah, yeah.
319
00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:57,438
I'm okay, though.
320
00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:58,731
I'm fine.
321
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,984
Here, uh, you can just take care
of this at your leisure, I suppose.
322
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,280
Six-hundred
and eighty-three dollars?
323
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:08,908
- Yeah.
- Just to have your head checked?
324
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,618
Yeah, isn't that something?
325
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:13,830
Well, they did a whole battery
of tests on me, Sam.
326
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:16,707
Hey, I thought the important thing
is that I'm okay, isn't it?
327
00:15:16,874 --> 00:15:18,042
Well, no.
328
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,710
Well, now I mean, yes,
329
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:22,130
but $683!
330
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:23,756
Well, Sammy, uh,
331
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,384
the cost of diagnostic testing
has gone up dramatically.
332
00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,720
I read recently where it's
run into billions every year.
333
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:33,057
Gee, I didn't know
so many people got hit by corks.
334
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,186
What all'd they do to you
down there, Norm?
335
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,729
Mostly routine stuff.
336
00:15:39,647 --> 00:15:42,233
Well, I did take care
of one other little matter.
337
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,318
Like what?
338
00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:46,320
Oh, I had a little mole removed.
339
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,448
And you stuck me with it?
340
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:51,701
Norm, where did you
have a mole?
341
00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:55,037
That, uh, must have been
the one on your butt there, huh?
342
00:15:56,789 --> 00:16:01,127
Uh, Norm, I didn't know
you were that... vain.
343
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:03,796
Who's ever going
to see your rear end?
344
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,507
You're just
about to, wise guy.
345
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,889
I think you took advantage
of me here, Norm.
346
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,391
Well, Sam, I figured
you'd want to throw in the mole.
347
00:16:15,558 --> 00:16:18,019
Makes a nice birthday gift,
you know.
348
00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,521
All right, you want to be
hard-nosed about it, come on.
349
00:16:20,688 --> 00:16:22,064
I'll pay for it. Hey, come on.
350
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:23,649
- No, no, no.
- No, yes.
351
00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,151
Happy birthday.
352
00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:27,278
Thank you, Sam.
353
00:16:27,445 --> 00:16:28,654
It's just what I wanted.
354
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,114
You're welcome.
355
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:31,449
You know, I know
it's a little early,
356
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:34,410
but I wouldn't say no
to a tummy tuck for Christmas.
357
00:16:35,411 --> 00:16:36,913
I'll think about it.
358
00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:39,749
Oh, hey, Diane,
look who's here.
359
00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:45,087
If you have knees,
prepare to slap them now.
360
00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:47,048
Hello, dear.
361
00:16:47,215 --> 00:16:48,424
Hello, Diane,
are you feeling better?
362
00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,176
- Much better, thank you.
- Good.
363
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,762
If, uh, Sam the slave driver
will let us steal you away,
364
00:16:52,929 --> 00:16:54,388
I have reservations
for three for lunch.
365
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:55,723
Oh, sounds good.
366
00:16:56,474 --> 00:17:02,188
Hester, I've been thinking a lot
about our little talk last night.
367
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,066
I hope you've been thinking
long and hard.
368
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:06,442
I have.
369
00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:08,194
Frasier,
370
00:17:08,361 --> 00:17:10,655
I came to a decision last night.
371
00:17:10,821 --> 00:17:12,907
When and if we marry,
372
00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,034
I think we should commit
"Mommie Dearest" here
373
00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:16,285
to a rest home,
374
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,788
making sure that beating
and starving
375
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:20,414
are the only forms
of recreation.
376
00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:21,999
Diane!
377
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,127
- I, uh, beg your pardon?
- Diane...
378
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:27,004
In fact, I feel like
slapping your face right now.
379
00:17:27,171 --> 00:17:30,258
Take me out of here
this moment.
380
00:17:30,424 --> 00:17:32,218
Well, it's a joke.
381
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,095
Come on. I'm obviously kidding.
382
00:17:34,262 --> 00:17:37,181
We're not going to put the woman
in a rest home.
383
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,724
We'll have her
with us always.
384
00:17:38,891 --> 00:17:40,226
We're going to have her stuffed.
385
00:17:44,855 --> 00:17:47,316
And I'll even slit her throat
in the process.
386
00:17:47,483 --> 00:17:48,609
Thank you, Sam.
387
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,657
I've never encountered
such hostility,
388
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,242
personally
or professionally.
389
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,201
I'm leaving.
390
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:58,911
No, no, just a minute,
let's all take a beat.
391
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,959
Now, the three of us
are going into Sam's office
392
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,586
and we're going to work
this thing through.
393
00:18:06,752 --> 00:18:09,964
There's got to be
some logical explanation.
394
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:11,966
And there'd better be, Diane.
395
00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:13,884
Well, it's a joke.
396
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,344
It's all joking.
397
00:18:15,511 --> 00:18:16,971
Hester, you're with me
on this, aren't you?
398
00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:20,099
If terrible threats
constitute jokes,
399
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:22,810
no, I'm not with you
on this.
400
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:30,610
Okay, time to take stock here.
401
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,862
I'm not crazy.
402
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:35,615
Right, Diane?
Right you are.
403
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,577
A whole year of my life.
404
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:43,831
Hester, I was trying
to joke with you
405
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,583
like you were
joking with me.
406
00:18:46,417 --> 00:18:47,460
And if you weren't joking,
407
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,879
then you threatened my life last night,
and I think you--
408
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,672
- I what?
- She what?
409
00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:55,760
She said that
if I didn't stop seeing you,
410
00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:57,053
she'd shoot me.
411
00:18:57,928 --> 00:19:00,139
This was obviously a mistake.
412
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,932
Oh, no!
413
00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,601
You know perfectly well
you threatened my life.
414
00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:04,894
Diane, for heaven's sake!
415
00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,271
I will not stay
and be talked to like this.
416
00:19:07,438 --> 00:19:11,192
Frasier, she is a rude,
boorish, spiteful woman,
417
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:15,696
who, for some reason that I don't understand,
resents me terribly.
418
00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:17,365
Now, Mother, please.
419
00:19:17,531 --> 00:19:19,283
Liar, liar,
pants on fire.
420
00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:21,661
Diane.
421
00:19:21,827 --> 00:19:24,580
I'm not lying. She is.
422
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:25,956
And if you love me,
423
00:19:26,123 --> 00:19:27,917
you'll stand up for me right now
when I need it.
424
00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:28,918
But, Diane, I--
425
00:19:29,085 --> 00:19:33,172
Frasier, I'm asking you
to leave with me now.
426
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:35,549
Frasier,
427
00:19:35,716 --> 00:19:37,593
this is
the most important moment
428
00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:38,844
in our relationship.
429
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,972
If you abandon me now,
that's it.
430
00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:52,692
Mother,
why did you threaten Diane?
431
00:19:53,901 --> 00:19:56,278
You believe her?
432
00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:57,863
Yes.
433
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,826
Oh, God.
434
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,329
I've lost you.
435
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,837
Oh, Frasier, I did say
those terrible things,
436
00:20:13,003 --> 00:20:15,381
but, believe me,
I had good reason.
437
00:20:15,548 --> 00:20:17,591
Okay, she said them,
but she had good reasons.
438
00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,427
Not good enough.
439
00:20:19,593 --> 00:20:20,469
They'd better be good.
440
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:23,764
The best in the world.
441
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,892
Oh, I wanted to save you
442
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:29,979
from ruining what could be
a brilliant career.
443
00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:35,234
I just can't stand the picture
of you being married
444
00:20:35,401 --> 00:20:38,863
to a pseudo-intellectual
barmaid.
445
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,365
No offense intended.
446
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:44,493
None taken.
447
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:46,036
Ça ne fait rien.
448
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,623
Mother, I can't believe this
of you,
449
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,292
a woman who has always been
450
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:54,295
the most gentle, rational
human being I've ever known.
451
00:20:54,462 --> 00:20:55,713
Oh, my dear boy,
452
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:58,090
you know that I would never
follow through
453
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,009
on my threat to kill her.
454
00:21:01,218 --> 00:21:04,555
You know, as I was
pricing revolvers this morning,
455
00:21:04,722 --> 00:21:08,601
I realized
how irrational my feelings were.
456
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:11,020
But don't you understand?
457
00:21:11,187 --> 00:21:14,064
I'd rather see you...
458
00:21:14,231 --> 00:21:17,818
shoveling sherbet
at Howard Johnson's
459
00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:20,070
in a silly hat and an apron
than...
460
00:21:20,237 --> 00:21:23,115
than make a bad marriage.
461
00:21:23,282 --> 00:21:25,993
Mother, you don't understand.
462
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,746
We're not going to have
a bad marriage.
463
00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:30,664
And I'm not going
to shovel sherbet.
464
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,709
But I would be happy
doing it
465
00:21:33,876 --> 00:21:35,920
if Diane
were at my side.
466
00:21:39,757 --> 00:21:41,175
Oh, Frasier...
467
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:44,512
I never realized
468
00:21:44,678 --> 00:21:46,931
how much this woman
meant to you.
469
00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:52,937
Of course,
I don't really understand why.
470
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:58,692
I never could understand
your spider collection either,
471
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:00,694
but I grew to accept that.
472
00:22:02,071 --> 00:22:04,907
Diane,
she's reaching out.
473
00:22:05,074 --> 00:22:05,866
Please.
474
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:13,916
Dr. Crane, I'm sorry
475
00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:17,378
if I made a bad first impression,
but I think--
476
00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:21,382
No, I know
it was a wrong impression.
477
00:22:22,591 --> 00:22:25,344
I may be a diamond
in the rough now,
478
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,346
but I'm a dreamer...
479
00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:31,851
and I have a habit
of making dreams come true.
480
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:35,437
When and if
I marry Frasier Crane,
481
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:38,816
I will be the kind of wife
and family
482
00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:41,068
you'll be proud to know
and claim.
483
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:44,280
Why, people will get tired
484
00:22:44,446 --> 00:22:46,448
hearing you boast
about your daughter-in-law.
485
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:51,161
Diane, I see
I've handled this so badly.
486
00:22:51,328 --> 00:22:53,455
Well, yes.
487
00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:59,461
I suppose I've made
a few mistakes myself.
488
00:23:00,838 --> 00:23:03,757
Oh, let's go out
and come in again.
489
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:05,718
I'd love to.
490
00:23:08,137 --> 00:23:11,682
This is the most incredible moment
of my entire day.
491
00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:13,851
You know what I'm going to do?
492
00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:16,478
I'm going to take
you two future best pals
493
00:23:16,645 --> 00:23:18,272
out to the finest lunch
in town.
494
00:23:18,731 --> 00:23:19,607
Sounds good.
495
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,650
Okay.
496
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:32,411
I need
a glass of water.
497
00:23:32,578 --> 00:23:34,622
Oh, you two,
you go ahead.
498
00:23:34,788 --> 00:23:36,248
I'll catch up with you.
499
00:23:40,294 --> 00:23:42,504
Oh, that's okay.
It's free of charge.
500
00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:45,841
I understand
you used to date that woman.
501
00:23:46,008 --> 00:23:48,385
I want to know
how much you'd charge
502
00:23:48,552 --> 00:23:50,304
to start things up again.
503
00:23:51,472 --> 00:23:53,599
You don't have enough money.
504
00:23:53,766 --> 00:23:54,683
How would you know?
505
00:23:54,850 --> 00:23:56,977
There isn't enough money.
506
00:23:59,313 --> 00:24:00,731
I know what you mean.
507
00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:02,483
No, I don't think you do.
508
00:24:02,650 --> 00:24:03,776
I think I do.
509
00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:05,861
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
510
00:24:06,028 --> 00:24:07,279
Oh, no.