1 00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:05,422 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:07,758 Could I have some suds there, Coach, please? 3 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,051 Yeah. 4 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:12,346 So, Normie, how's it going? You got Vera pregnant yet? 5 00:00:14,890 --> 00:00:17,518 - Not yet. - Well, what's going on there, Norm? 6 00:00:17,684 --> 00:00:20,145 It's been a few months. I'm getting a little disappointed here. 7 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:22,606 Cliff ie, I'm doing my darnedest, all right? 8 00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:24,900 Anything to get Vera off my back. 9 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,276 Your back? 10 00:00:26,443 --> 00:00:30,197 Norm, I think I see a little problem with your technique. 11 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,949 Coach, can I have a pencil 12 00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:34,076 and a rather large piece of paper, please? 13 00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:36,828 All right, all right, look. 14 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:38,705 Anyone see Orosco hit a homer last night? 15 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,416 Oh, what a fluke, huh? A relief pitcher. 16 00:00:41,583 --> 00:00:43,043 Yeah, unbelievable, huh? 17 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:44,962 Well, Sammy, what kind of hitter were you? 18 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,589 I remember hitting .211 one year. 19 00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,466 In your dreams. 20 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,469 Coach, one Scotch, rocks, please. 21 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:55,264 Yeah, Sammy, I don't think you ever hit over a .150. 22 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,891 Wait, wait, wait, I got 20 bucks says he did, big guy. 23 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,893 Ooh, you're on, sucker. All right, all right, 24 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:01,812 kiss that Andrew Jackson goodbye. 25 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:06,858 It is beyond me why the two of you insist on making a contest 26 00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,902 out of the most meaningless issues. 27 00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:12,072 Oh, no, no, no, on the contrary there, Diane. 28 00:01:12,239 --> 00:01:14,866 We also address ourselves to some of the most vital 29 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:16,535 and meaningful issues of our times. 30 00:01:16,702 --> 00:01:18,704 For instance, if Southeast Asia 31 00:01:18,870 --> 00:01:20,914 were to be obliterated by a nuclear attack, 32 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,624 Norm here would have to push a peanut 33 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:25,294 up Boylston Street with his nose. 34 00:01:25,460 --> 00:01:27,421 Yep. But only as far as the corner, Cliff ie. 35 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:29,464 Come on, peace. 36 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:41,995 Hi. Is this the Pequod? 37 00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,247 Well, this is Sam Malone here. 38 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,416 Yeah, I'd like to make reservations for two 39 00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,502 in one of your cozier rooms for the weekend. 40 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:50,796 All right, that's great. 41 00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,798 Yeah, I'll see you Friday night, late. 42 00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:58,261 Sam, I happened to hear you mention the Pequod. 43 00:02:58,428 --> 00:02:59,388 Yeah, that's right. 44 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:02,391 That wouldn't be that charming little inn 45 00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:04,518 that you and I went to last fall? 46 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:07,020 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 47 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:08,188 I didn't think. 48 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:10,065 This is going to bother you, isn't it? 49 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,900 Oh, of course not. 50 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:14,152 Whatever you do now is your own concern. 51 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,947 Take a different woman there every night of the week. 52 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:19,282 Actually, it's easier to have them meet me there. 53 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:23,245 Oh, this is going to bug you, 54 00:03:23,412 --> 00:03:25,247 me going there with somebody else, isn't it? 55 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,165 Not at all. 56 00:03:27,332 --> 00:03:29,918 Oh, yeah, this is bugging the hell out of you. 57 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,628 I tell you what, I tell you what. 58 00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,004 I-- I'll go someplace else. 59 00:03:33,171 --> 00:03:34,881 - I understand. - Don't be ridiculous. 60 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,508 It doesn't "bug me," 61 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,176 as you so eloquently put it. 62 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:39,553 Oh, yeah? Tell me this. 63 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,430 Would you take Frasier there? 64 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:43,140 As a matter of fact, 65 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,142 Frasier and I have been to several places 66 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,685 that you and I frequented. 67 00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,062 It's so refreshing to go to a museum with someone 68 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,856 who doesn't slide across the marble floors 69 00:03:51,022 --> 00:03:52,899 in their stockinged feet. 70 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,735 Hey, those paintings look a lot better 71 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,111 if you go by fast. 72 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,531 Anyway, listen, 73 00:03:59,698 --> 00:04:01,742 I will make sure that they don't put me 74 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,535 in the same room at the Pequod. 75 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,162 I could care less. 76 00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,581 Room number 12. 77 00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,543 Hey, you know, that was a great room, 12. 78 00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,379 You remember when that nor'easter blew through 79 00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:18,633 and we had to stay inside by that big old fireplace? 80 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:19,968 Yeah. 81 00:04:20,135 --> 00:04:24,264 We listened to the wind lashing against the panes, 82 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:25,891 the rain on the roof. 83 00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:28,935 Yeah, huddled under that big comforter. 84 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,771 I never felt safer. 85 00:04:30,937 --> 00:04:31,980 Me either. 86 00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:35,817 You weren't there, Coach. 87 00:04:35,984 --> 00:04:37,903 Oh, I thought you meant now. 88 00:04:39,738 --> 00:04:42,491 Sam, please, go. 89 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,367 Have a good time. 90 00:04:44,534 --> 00:04:47,162 Just don't do anything I wouldn't do. 91 00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,331 Gee, I'm afraid I've lost that list. 92 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:52,292 Hey! 93 00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:54,002 I remember you! 94 00:04:54,169 --> 00:04:55,754 You're that blonde waitress. 95 00:04:56,713 --> 00:05:00,300 And you're Carla's incredibly loathsome ex-husband. 96 00:05:00,759 --> 00:05:02,219 How do you like that? 97 00:05:02,385 --> 00:05:03,929 We both stuck in each other's minds. 98 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:05,597 Sit down. 99 00:05:05,764 --> 00:05:07,015 You want anything? 100 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:09,100 Thank you. I'll have a Coke. 101 00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:11,561 Be sophisticated. We're in a bar. 102 00:05:11,728 --> 00:05:13,313 Coca-Cola. 103 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,483 No, no, order some kind of drink. 104 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,860 I'd like something in a coconut. 105 00:05:19,027 --> 00:05:20,946 You're something in a coconut. 106 00:05:21,112 --> 00:05:22,531 Two Scotches. 107 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,075 Hey, Nick, this is a surprise. 108 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:26,868 How you doing, Sam? 109 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,787 You dumped Carla by now, right? 110 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:30,330 Well, we're no longer going together, 111 00:05:30,497 --> 00:05:32,499 but Carla dumped me. 112 00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,417 She dumped you? 113 00:05:34,584 --> 00:05:36,545 Sam, you boggle me. 114 00:05:36,711 --> 00:05:37,671 Well, wait a second. 115 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,214 I did dump that blonde waitress there. 116 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,011 Nick! 117 00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,055 What the hell do you want? 118 00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:48,139 Hey! 119 00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,309 Is that the kind of hello I deserve? 120 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,895 No, bend over, and I'll give it to you. 121 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:55,605 I got to talk to you. 122 00:05:55,772 --> 00:05:57,107 I would have come by the house, 123 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:58,733 but I didn't want Loretta to see 124 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,485 my humble beginnings. 125 00:06:01,528 --> 00:06:03,363 I need a simple favor. 126 00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,323 Unless it's setting your eyebrows on fire, 127 00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:06,491 forget it. 128 00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:09,035 I used to drive you crazy. 129 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,161 Yeah, yeah, yeah... 130 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,997 I came because I want a kid. 131 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,585 Shouldn't you be baking your biscuits 132 00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:18,670 in Blondie's oven now? 133 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,632 I'm talking about one of ours. 134 00:06:22,799 --> 00:06:25,093 I'm talking about the fruit of my loins. 135 00:06:25,260 --> 00:06:26,928 Would you guys like to step into my office 136 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,555 - so you can have a little privacy? - No. 137 00:06:28,722 --> 00:06:29,681 Please. 138 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,433 What's this about, huh? 139 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:32,934 As you know, 140 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:36,229 I am now married to the goddess, compared to you, Loretta. 141 00:06:37,689 --> 00:06:40,275 She's physically unable to have any kids. 142 00:06:40,442 --> 00:06:41,902 As this is breaking her heart, 143 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,446 plus I don't want anybody thinking I'm not doing my job, 144 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,240 I figured I'd just take one of our old ones. 145 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:53,163 You want me to give you and that Twinkie 146 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,956 one of my children? 147 00:06:55,123 --> 00:06:56,666 Product of my seed! 148 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,001 Hey, hey, please, please. 149 00:06:58,168 --> 00:07:00,712 Look, Nick, this is outrageous, even for you. 150 00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,339 What's the big deal? You got five. 151 00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:05,842 Carla, don't let this recidivist strong-arm you. 152 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:10,221 There is no bond greater than that of mother and child. 153 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,891 He's talking of your babies, 154 00:07:13,058 --> 00:07:14,851 the issue of your womb. 155 00:07:15,060 --> 00:07:17,812 Oh, would anyone mind if I went into my office? 156 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:23,485 Carla, see reason. 157 00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:25,904 Look, why don't you take out an ad in the paper? 158 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,238 You never really know 159 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:28,990 what the kid's going to look like, 160 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:31,493 but I can't believe that you'd be fussy. 161 00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:37,707 What is this, Days of Our Lives? 162 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:38,917 I want my own. 163 00:07:39,084 --> 00:07:40,418 I don't want somebody else's. 164 00:07:40,585 --> 00:07:42,379 Mind your own businesses. 165 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,175 Carla, I didn't think you'd be so cold-hearted, 166 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:48,468 but since you are, 167 00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:50,136 I have no choice but to do 168 00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:51,930 what I'm trying to avoid at all costs. 169 00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:53,556 What? Breathe through your nose? 170 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,141 No! 171 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,477 I'm taking you to court. 172 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,649 Hey, you can't do that. 173 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:03,650 Oh, no? 174 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,151 I happen to have an attorney, Carla, 175 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:07,445 and he reassureses me that I got a very good case. 176 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:09,072 In fact, he thinks 177 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:12,367 I can get all five kids and you as a maid. 178 00:08:14,285 --> 00:08:16,496 I'm letting you off easy. 179 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,748 Hey, Tom, you're a lawyer, right? 180 00:08:18,915 --> 00:08:20,083 Can he do this? 181 00:08:20,250 --> 00:08:22,836 Well, Sam, family law is not my specialty here. 182 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:23,837 However-- 183 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:24,879 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, 184 00:08:25,046 --> 00:08:26,840 wait, hold on there, Oliver Wendell Homely. 185 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:30,969 Exactly what is your specialty, blowing the bar exam? 186 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,471 Hey, I'm going to pass it this time, wise guy. 187 00:08:33,638 --> 00:08:34,723 Don't you worry about it. 188 00:08:34,889 --> 00:08:36,016 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm not worried. 189 00:08:36,182 --> 00:08:37,809 You've taken it in every state in New England. 190 00:08:37,976 --> 00:08:39,978 Look, Carla, you're talking to a man here 191 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,439 who thinks affidavit's a Jewish wine. 192 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,484 Now-- if he knows anything, 193 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,445 he knows more than you. 194 00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:49,446 Thank you, Carla. 195 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:51,031 Finish what you were saying there, Tom. 196 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,365 Yeah, yeah, we can't wait. 197 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,034 Actually, Carla... 198 00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:56,327 there's a good chance he could get custody here, 199 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,580 if he can prove that you're an unfit mother. 200 00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,081 Thank you, counselor. 201 00:09:00,248 --> 00:09:02,459 And who do you think they're going to pick? 202 00:09:02,625 --> 00:09:05,962 Me, a sincere, hard-working family man, 203 00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,714 or you, a hard-up waitress 204 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,716 who leaves her kids night after night 205 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,593 to come to a sleazy bar, huh? 206 00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:12,886 Hey, hey, watch it! 207 00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,638 Yeah, she's off Thursday nights. 208 00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,349 I can also prove 209 00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:21,853 that you consort with men of questionable character. 210 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,605 What are you talking about? 211 00:09:23,772 --> 00:09:25,356 You got the morals of a sewer rat. 212 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,317 Not to worry. If you knew your law, 213 00:09:27,484 --> 00:09:29,152 you would have read up on a little thing 214 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:32,238 in the Bill of Rights called the double standard. 215 00:09:33,323 --> 00:09:35,992 Yeah, watch the bureaucrats take that away from us too. 216 00:09:37,118 --> 00:09:38,828 You're bluffing. 217 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,705 Court costs money, you know. 218 00:09:40,872 --> 00:09:42,916 And unless the TV repair business 219 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,835 has increased dramatically, you make diddly. 220 00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:47,921 You know, every time you open your mouth, 221 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,130 you show your ignorance. 222 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,217 It so happens that the Tortelli Television Hospital 223 00:09:52,383 --> 00:09:54,302 has just come off a record-breaking quarter. 224 00:09:54,469 --> 00:09:56,304 I'm going to tell you how good we're doing. 225 00:09:56,471 --> 00:09:59,599 I got 10 men working under me, and two of them is American. 226 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:03,728 Nick, even if I wanted to give you those kids, 227 00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:05,146 they wouldn't want to go with you. 228 00:10:05,313 --> 00:10:06,981 The young ones don't know who you are. 229 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:09,192 The old ones hate your guts. 230 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:10,985 I don't believe what I'm hearing. 231 00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,237 Anthony loves me. 232 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,822 No, he doesn't. He's the oldest. 233 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,032 He's the one who best remembers you walking out on him. 234 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,283 He thinks you're a creep. 235 00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:19,410 - He thinks I'm cool. - He calls you a scuzzball! 236 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,246 He didn't learn language like that from me! 237 00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,872 He didn't learn anything from you! 238 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,916 Hey, hey, come on! We're getting complaints 239 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:27,627 from the nuclear testing range next door. 240 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,671 Nick, we're going to be late 241 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,756 for that Menudo concert. 242 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,676 Oh, yeah, Menudo. 243 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:36,928 I won the tickets on the radio. 244 00:10:37,095 --> 00:10:38,429 What is it, anyway? 245 00:10:39,806 --> 00:10:41,391 Go to your concert. 246 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:44,060 You ain't getting no kid of mine. 247 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,438 I know how to cut this short. 248 00:10:47,605 --> 00:10:49,566 Carla, I want to talk to you alone. 249 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,151 Oh, no, no, forget about it. 250 00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:52,443 I got nothing 251 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,070 I want to talk to you about alone. 252 00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:56,322 Just a little chat, Carla. 253 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,074 Between you and I. 254 00:10:59,909 --> 00:11:01,911 Private matters. 255 00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,290 Well... 256 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,710 okay. 257 00:11:08,877 --> 00:11:10,962 Sam, can we use your office? 258 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:12,297 Why? 259 00:11:12,463 --> 00:11:14,299 What secrets could you possibly have left? 260 00:11:14,465 --> 00:11:15,842 No, no, no, no, don't answer that. 261 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:17,427 Use my office. 262 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,096 Gee, Sam, Carla looked awful nervous going in there. 263 00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,181 Who wouldn't be? 264 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,932 Whenever Nick gets a woman alone, 265 00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:26,186 he can wrap them around his little finger. 266 00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,479 Well, Carla's a pretty tough little nut. 267 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,523 I think it'll take more persuasion 268 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:31,816 than Nick can muster 269 00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,651 to break the primordial bond 270 00:11:33,818 --> 00:11:35,320 between a mother 271 00:11:35,486 --> 00:11:37,530 and her first-born offspring. 272 00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,241 Mommy, the kid is ours! 273 00:11:40,450 --> 00:11:42,327 - Daddy! - We're a family now. 274 00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:44,704 Let's go stuff our faces till we get sick. 275 00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:46,039 Sounds good. 276 00:11:52,253 --> 00:11:54,380 What you all looking at? 277 00:11:55,673 --> 00:11:58,092 You never seen a jellyfish before? 278 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,940 Normie, Normie, Normie, 279 00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,067 I hate to be the one to tell you this, 280 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:17,487 but Sam's batting average never went past 149. 281 00:12:17,654 --> 00:12:20,657 - There it is, right in the stat book. - 149, but-- 282 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:22,116 Right. You know, 283 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,410 and I don't want to be the kind of guy who rubs it in, 284 00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,662 so just let me say... 285 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,542 Yeah? Yeah? 286 00:12:31,709 --> 00:12:33,544 Well, I have a little bad news for you, Cliff ie. 287 00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,755 It so happens I made a side bet with the Coach 288 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,340 that if you won, you'd be obnoxious, 289 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:39,968 so I come out even. 290 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,766 Hey, troops, I'm back! 291 00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,601 What? What's so funny? 292 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,437 Normie just lost a bundle to Cliff ie on a bet. 293 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:52,730 Yeah? 294 00:12:52,897 --> 00:12:54,607 But the Coach just lost a bundle to me. 295 00:12:56,985 --> 00:12:59,362 Yeah, but the funniest thing is, Sam, 296 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,698 is the whole thing was based on the fact 297 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:04,867 that you couldn't hit a baseball to save your life! 298 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,579 You know what's even funnier than that, Sam? 299 00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:09,747 What? 300 00:13:09,914 --> 00:13:11,749 Cliff ie spends 30 bucks on a book 301 00:13:11,916 --> 00:13:13,126 to win a $20 bet. 302 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:16,045 Yeah? Yeah? 303 00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:17,297 Well, you lent me the money. 304 00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:19,090 You know I'm never going to pay you back. 305 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,427 Oh, you... 306 00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:27,390 You know, the way you positively revel 307 00:13:27,557 --> 00:13:30,893 in each other's defeat is totally reprehensible. 308 00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:35,398 Are you ever as pleased with each other's good fortune? 309 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,567 Who's had any? 310 00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,076 Oh... Oh, boy. 311 00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,078 Boy, I tell you, it's good to be home. 312 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:50,538 Oh... 313 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:53,082 How was the Pequod, Sam? 314 00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:54,292 Pequod? Oh, yeah... Great. 315 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:56,377 Was it everything you remembered it to be? 316 00:13:56,544 --> 00:14:00,173 Come on, Diane, why torment yourself? 317 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:01,841 So you really went, huh? 318 00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,301 Yeah, of course, I did. 319 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:06,596 Did you enjoy the fruit basket Frasier and I sent to your room? 320 00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:08,139 - The fruit basket? - Yes, 321 00:14:08,306 --> 00:14:10,224 - the fruit basket. - The fruit basket? 322 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,976 The fruit basket. 323 00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:15,688 Yeah, okay, okay, yeah, we-- We loved the fruit basket. 324 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,899 We didn't send a fruit basket. Damn! 325 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:19,442 I knew it. 326 00:14:19,609 --> 00:14:20,860 Sam... 327 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,695 your heart wouldn't let you go to that place 328 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,946 with another woman. 329 00:14:24,113 --> 00:14:26,032 I find that very sweet. 330 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,579 She won that one, didn't she? 331 00:14:31,788 --> 00:14:33,456 Ah, not necessarily. 332 00:14:33,623 --> 00:14:35,375 Not so much. 333 00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:47,637 Hey, everybody. 334 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,139 Oh, hi, Carla. 335 00:14:50,306 --> 00:14:51,766 Isn't it a great day? 336 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,894 You know, as I got up this morning 337 00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:59,148 and I was feeding my four-- count them, four kids-- 338 00:14:59,315 --> 00:15:03,319 I said to myself, "Carla, you are so lucky. 339 00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:07,073 I mean, think of all those poor, miserable human beings 340 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,033 who have five or more kids. 341 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:11,202 Instead of just four like me." 342 00:15:11,369 --> 00:15:13,162 Carla, you don't even miss this kid at all? 343 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:16,290 You kidding? I can't even remember his name. 344 00:15:16,457 --> 00:15:18,960 - Anthony. - My baby! 345 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:23,172 The one time I remember something! 346 00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:24,549 Come on. 347 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:27,135 Upsy-daisy. 348 00:15:27,301 --> 00:15:29,178 If you felt this way, 349 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:31,931 why on earth did you give that child away? 350 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:36,018 Because I could never say no to that man. 351 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:41,107 You know, I never even wanted to go out with him in the first place. 352 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,859 He won me over. 353 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,861 I didn't want to go to bed with him. 354 00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,863 He won me over. 355 00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:50,283 I didn't want to marry him. I didn't want to have five kids. 356 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:54,579 Our whole history is me saying no and him winning me over. 357 00:15:54,745 --> 00:15:56,038 You know, like the other day in there? 358 00:15:56,205 --> 00:16:01,919 He held my hand and he got real close to me 359 00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:05,590 and then he batted those eyelashes at me, 360 00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:08,259 and he said, 361 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:11,762 "Carla, you know why I want that kid? 362 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:14,432 'Cause he is a part of you. 363 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:17,101 He's the only part of you I have." 364 00:16:17,268 --> 00:16:19,729 Nick said that? 365 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:22,315 Look, let's not even discuss it. 366 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,484 It's over. The kid is his. 367 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,694 He's coming by today to have me sign the papers. 368 00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,112 Damn it, Carla, 369 00:16:28,279 --> 00:16:30,072 if you don't want to sign, don't sign. 370 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,407 I mean, stand up to the guy. 371 00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,034 Well, of course I'm going to resist. 372 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,368 But all I have to do 373 00:16:34,535 --> 00:16:36,746 is be alone with him for a second and I melt. 374 00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:39,582 Then there's one simple solution. 375 00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:41,000 We shan't let you alone with him. 376 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,001 Right, everyone? 377 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,669 We shan't. 378 00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,884 Let's get this signed and over with. 379 00:16:54,180 --> 00:16:57,183 Carla? Don't you have something you wanted to tell Nick? 380 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,728 Do it. 381 00:17:00,895 --> 00:17:02,396 Yeah, yeah... Yes, there is! 382 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,402 I am not signing that paper. 383 00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:10,488 You can't have Anthony. 384 00:17:10,655 --> 00:17:12,406 I don't care what you say. 385 00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,242 I don't care what the courts say. 386 00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:15,618 I want my kid back. 387 00:17:15,785 --> 00:17:17,161 Yes! 388 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:20,373 Nick, I thought you said 389 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,458 Carla didn't give a hoot for the kids. 390 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,585 There's a new development. 391 00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,339 I can't do this. 392 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:29,549 What can't you do? 393 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:30,925 What do you have to do? 394 00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,218 I just realized 395 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,887 that Carla and I are both women... 396 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,267 And I can't do this to her. 397 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:41,602 I can't be a party to child stealing. 398 00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:42,728 What, are you crazy? 399 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,522 The kid's as much mine as hers. 400 00:17:44,689 --> 00:17:46,065 I'm sorry. 401 00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:47,733 I refuse. 402 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:50,695 I've got to put my foot down about something. 403 00:17:50,861 --> 00:17:55,533 And when I make up my mind, that's my final decision. 404 00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:57,326 While you're thinking about it, 405 00:17:57,493 --> 00:17:59,412 why don't you and I 406 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,415 go into Sam's office and have a private talk? 407 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:06,210 I don't think that's going to work this time, Nick. 408 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:09,171 Please? 409 00:18:09,380 --> 00:18:11,340 Well... 410 00:18:11,507 --> 00:18:12,425 okay, 411 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:14,468 but it's a waste of time. 412 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:16,512 We'll be right back. 413 00:18:16,679 --> 00:18:18,431 Nicky, you can keep talking and talking 414 00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,349 until you're blue in the face, 415 00:18:20,516 --> 00:18:22,435 but it's not going to change my mind. 416 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,604 You're not going to say anything... 417 00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:29,483 Carla, sign the paper. 418 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,236 What is this? 419 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:36,282 Boy, even a shot of vitamin Sammy doesn't work that fast. 420 00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,535 Carla... sign the paper. 421 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,037 No, I won't. 422 00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:42,204 - Sign it! - No! 423 00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:44,123 Hang tough, Carla. 424 00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:47,418 Carla, how about you and I, 425 00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:49,629 we go into Sam's office 426 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:52,923 and... have a private talk? 427 00:18:53,090 --> 00:18:54,842 Don't do it, Carla. 428 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,969 Carla, stay out here with us. 429 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:02,975 No, I have to go in there with him. 430 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:08,022 If I can stand up to him this one time... 431 00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,567 I can break his spell. 432 00:19:12,735 --> 00:19:13,736 And I think I can do it. 433 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,280 Carla, you got to know you can do it, Carla. 434 00:19:16,447 --> 00:19:18,032 I think I can do it. 435 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,329 Okay. 436 00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:24,538 Carla's in there 437 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,291 facing the greatest crisis of her life. 438 00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:30,461 I want everybody to be quiet for a moment, 439 00:19:30,628 --> 00:19:33,089 close your eyes, and send her 440 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,758 your most positive mental energy. 441 00:19:35,925 --> 00:19:37,551 Good idea. 442 00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:39,053 Guess it can't hurt. 443 00:19:39,220 --> 00:19:40,388 Okay, now come on, everyone. 444 00:19:40,554 --> 00:19:41,639 This is important. 445 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:45,518 One... two... three. 446 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,983 Norman. 447 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:01,325 Come on, Carla, don't be so cold. 448 00:20:01,492 --> 00:20:02,660 I'm a lonely guy. 449 00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,120 You're not lonely. 450 00:20:04,286 --> 00:20:05,621 You're disgusting. 451 00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:09,166 All right, just hear me out on this. 452 00:20:09,333 --> 00:20:14,296 Anthony is the product of our love. 453 00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,339 None of that, either. 454 00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:16,716 I've had enough of your sweet talk 455 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,008 to last me my whole life. 456 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:19,802 I just don't want to hear that stuff, Nick. 457 00:20:19,969 --> 00:20:21,178 All right. 458 00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,639 Fine. 459 00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:28,811 No more sweet talk, no more touching. 460 00:20:28,978 --> 00:20:30,062 Right. 461 00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:31,897 How about I just... 462 00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:37,111 Stop it, Nick. Don't give me the look. 463 00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:39,196 No, not the look! 464 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:42,032 Call me 465 00:20:42,825 --> 00:20:43,826 Irresponsible 466 00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:45,536 Ooh, and the song! 467 00:20:45,703 --> 00:20:47,538 Oh, the look and the song! 468 00:20:47,705 --> 00:20:49,749 Call me unreliable 469 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:51,250 Call me-- 470 00:20:55,629 --> 00:20:57,548 I'll get the pen. 471 00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:00,968 Hey, wait a minute, do that again. 472 00:21:02,470 --> 00:21:04,054 Can't get enough of it, huh? 473 00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:16,609 Nothing. 474 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,278 Nothing?! 475 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:20,946 Zero! 476 00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:36,754 You should have stopped at your dumb look. 477 00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:38,798 What're you talking about? 478 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:40,925 I'm talking about this! 479 00:21:42,968 --> 00:21:45,262 Wow. I'm impressed. 480 00:21:46,555 --> 00:21:48,974 I didn't think you had it in you. 481 00:21:49,183 --> 00:21:52,228 This is the first time you stood up to me. 482 00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:54,730 You resisted my charms. 483 00:21:57,191 --> 00:21:58,275 You win. 484 00:21:59,693 --> 00:22:01,070 Hey, hey, wait a minute there, 485 00:22:01,237 --> 00:22:02,446 wait a minute. 486 00:22:02,613 --> 00:22:05,199 I know better than that. 487 00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:07,368 Your heart wasn't in it. 488 00:22:07,535 --> 00:22:09,537 You know how much that kid meant to me. 489 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,748 What are you talking about? I did my best. 490 00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:15,501 Maybe I don't have it anymore. 491 00:22:15,668 --> 00:22:17,962 You have more of it now than you ever did. 492 00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:19,588 You just went easy on me. 493 00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:21,632 I busted a gut! 494 00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:25,636 Nick, you went easy on me, didn't you? 495 00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:28,764 Maybe I did. 496 00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:32,226 Maybe I didn't. 497 00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:38,065 Well... 498 00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,568 if you did... 499 00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:42,111 thanks. 500 00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,781 And if you didn't... 501 00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:51,161 Take care. 502 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:57,418 Hey, everybody. I got my kid back! 503 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:03,841 Come on, Loretta. 504 00:23:06,552 --> 00:23:08,929 Congratulations, Carla. 505 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,431 What's your secret? 506 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:11,849 She knows when to shut up. 507 00:23:12,016 --> 00:23:13,017 When? 508 00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:14,768 - Now! - Oh. 509 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:18,522 I hope today has been 510 00:23:18,689 --> 00:23:20,316 a good lesson for you. 511 00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:23,360 I hope it has somehow diffused the notion 512 00:23:23,527 --> 00:23:26,906 that you have some magic power you can wield over women 513 00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:28,657 to make them bend to your will. 514 00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:32,661 Mr. Tortelli, I find you beneath contempt. 515 00:23:32,828 --> 00:23:34,038 You know, 516 00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:35,873 before you're so hard on me, 517 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,792 I'd like to tell you something about myself. 518 00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:41,295 What? 519 00:23:42,546 --> 00:23:44,048 It's confidential. 520 00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,764 What? 521 00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,475 I can't hear what you're saying. 522 00:23:54,642 --> 00:23:56,727 All I can feel is your warm... 523 00:23:56,894 --> 00:23:59,104 that is to say, your hot... 524 00:23:59,271 --> 00:24:00,397 breath on my... 525 00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:01,857 Oh!